Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking back on the things I've done


Couldn't help it.

But I felt that it was necessary to make a list. It's been a big year- mainly because it's the year I became an adult, and that always seems to be a big year of finishing and starting.

1. Got into the university I am now attending
2. Wrote lots of diploma exams
3. Finished my Extended Essay
4. Finished my second Internal Assessment
5. Completed 2 oral exams
6. Received my high school diploma in the mail
7. Travelled to London and France with my school and family
8. Completed 13 World Exams
9. Finished high school
10. Got my IB diploma
11. Travelled to Ireland with my family
12. Got a job in the lab I worked in last year for a second summer
13. Moved away from home to go to university
14. Joined EPASS and was assigned to be an apprentice PM
15. Made a friend in my bio class!
16. Made a friend in my philosophy class (this ties into 18 greatly but they are still separate things)
17. Turned 18.
18. Began a relationship
19. Finished my first semester of university

I realize some of these may seem more important than others, but they're all still big things. 2014 for me looks a lot less eventful- in summary, it will be second semester, job & travel over the summer, and then first semester of second year. Which is fine- it'll be nice to have a year that's less busy so I can focus on working at things and figuring out some more direction for my life. Oh, and learning how to be an adult better. And possibly trying to be active more regularly- especially now that my class schedule doesn't conflict with rec skate times 3 days a week. I realize skating might not be the most intense exercise ever, but it's still something and the closest to flying I can possibly get.

It's been a good year, a learning year, a year of change and growth and doing new things. But I'm still looking forward to a year of slower growth and learning, and adapting. A year of reflection, if you will.

Most of my New Year's resolutions always revolve around trying to be a better person, trying to be kinder to others, to not say mean things, to listen to other people more, and to be fair to myself and others. This year I think I should add that I should commit more to keeping in touch with friends, and that I should do more writing. I've done a bit recently- thinking of doing some more today. Hopefully by the time NaNoWriMo 2014 rolls around, I'll be back in the saddle and ready to win again.
A small thing I'd like to do as well is explore my new city more- the city I'm going to university in- and maybe to learn how to do makeup to a greater extent than I do now. I feel like having that knowledge could be really fun, but I'm still so afraid to try. Oh, and I want to be able to touch my toes with my legs straight. I feel so lame not being able to do that.

However, I'm not setting the goal of "losing weight", for obvious reasons. I just hate that after New Year's, all gyms have these ads out offering discounts to help people "fulfill their New Year's resolutions" or "lose the weight you gained over Christmas." Guess what, not everyone considers getting into better shape to be something to pledge to do in the new year. I've included exercise because it helps with my mood, making me more stable. Also I think it helps me get better sleep and just makes me do better in school in general, probably because of the sleep and endorphins. If I happen to get into better shape as a result, then so be it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Oh, Happy New Year's Eve!

Some days I feel like such a hypocrite

Like on skype, sometimes there's people online that I just don't want to talk to, so I set my status to busy and do something else, and this can be anyone- some days it's everyone, and I just turn skype off, or some days I just want to talk to one particular friend, so I set it to busy and just talk to that person, and then there's some times when people have sent me messages and I have just ignored them and then come back later when I was ready to talk and been like "Jeez, sorry, I didn't see that." Sometimes I have legitimate reasons for doing this, like I've been studying for a while and so I only want to talk to one or two people in the background as a sort of break, but then other times I'm just online and I don't feel like being social. And I feel like that makes me such a bad person.

There are some people who I never even have conversations with anymore. My parents, of course, are always disappointed to hear that I don't talk to people like Omnia much anymore, or even Artifex, and I think the last time I talked to Tudo was on the Europe trip over easter, maybe. And then there's other friends who don't even have a nickname that I've basically stopped talking to altogether, and it's like I still comment on their facebook posts and that feels like a relationship but it's not really.

I did get together with some friends over the break I haven't been talking to regularly, Artifex and Nerd and Tupperware and another friend who doesn't have a nickname on here for some reason (I'm too lazy to make it up now). I was surprised at how well Nerd and I got along- he still makes inappropriate comments, but he's much less condescending and full of himself than he used to be, and there were times at that lunch when he would be telling a story, and Artifex and the other friend (okay seriously she needs a nickname can I call her...Clara, yeah, Clara) (oooh I just realized that's like Clara from the nutcracker, nice) would say something to one another and he would just be talking to me for a second, and it was weird. I guess we did get along well once upon a time, and he's still a decent guy at heart. He seems to be turning back into that more, which is good, because seriously, he's a great guy when he's decent. And that lunch was fun (although it was what prompted the "innocence" post, as Artifex commented on my post before that at lunch, saying that I had "changed" when actually that change occurred at like the beginning of twelfth grade... or even the year before... although to be fair, nobody really knew about that because it wasn't super obvious).

I miss Artifex. I feel like I've been an absolutely horrible friend to her. I never text her, I only ever see her when I'm back in town, and I comment on her facebook stuff, but... I dunno. We had some good skype calls for a few weeks in October, which died down, and now she's never on skype while I'm ALWAYS on skype so I guess that's just kinda all over the place. The thing is, Artifex is one of those genuinely good people. Her generosity and kindness have always amazed me and she has always been the absolute best to me, and yet I've done basically nothing at all to communicate with her.

I feel like... even with Vince and Lucy and I, things aren't the same. And I guess it's naive to expect that they would be, we're in very different places now (what I mean by that is that university's different than high school) (don't "duh" me you know what I mean), and I still have a lot of faith that that friendship will hold on for a while. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, but moving away really does make it hard to keep relationships intact, even with facebook and skype and email and yadda yadda yadda.

The thing is, I feel pretty bad about how many friends I've made in university so far, which is like two (this is including Grag) (Ooookay I'm gonna start calling him Ptarckas instead) (I call him detective Ptarckas on skype and he doesn't mind) (DON'T. ASK.) and then the EPASS people, whom I haven't seen in like a month because finals. Shit. I haven't even been reading the textbook for that because break... I suppose I could do a little of that. It was actually interesting and informative and good project management stuff to know. I need to put more effort into that. And don't get me started on the expense template protocol the other assistant and I were supposed to do, and the big meeting I missed (albeit because I was driving home although I probably didn't know that I was leaving that day when I filled out the poll and just whatever).

Okay, I made some notes for the expense templates (most of which are just questions). I feel less guilty now. It's a very informal document but I feel like that's okay at this point, because we can turn those notes into a formal protocol document together or something (meaning the assistant PM and I) (PM sounds like prime minister like no that means project manager) (I am not the prime minister's assistant/trainee shadow/apprentice) (that would be cool though).

*blows bangs upwards* I suppose I am maybe getting a little worked up about the friends thing. People do drift apart a little, and none of us are used to this. It was bound to happen. I know it's natural for people to come and go, especially now that many of us have moved so far away. And I suppose making friends in a new place takes time. I'm doing okay, I guess. And I've been quite okay with doing okay, since my grades have been stellar (by my own judgement)... I guess life isn't about doing great things and being a perfect person who helps everyone and does everything right. Life is about sometimes doing and sometimes doing well and sometimes not doing when you can't and right now I'm somewhere between doing and doing well and what more do you really need?

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, December 23, 2013



It's bad enough that people automatically assume I don't swear and act all startled when I do. Like yes, I am a human being, I am completely normal, I swear sometimes. Big fucking deal, that's it, that's all. The worst was back in high school when people would always be like "OMFG SWEGAN SWORE" like fuck yes I did is your life really that boring that this is big news to you?

I realize people aren't doing this to be mean but it gets really fucking annoying (especially when people are like "you swear a lot on your blog" WOW REALLY I HAD NO IDEA THANKS FOR TELLING ME) (IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A PLACE TO VENT OR ANYTHING) (WHOA IMAGINE THAT). I have to deal with this all the fucking time and I'm sick and tired of it. I am the same age as all of you. I have been alive for the same number of years and had my own share of life experiences. I am not more innocent, and if I am, THERE HAVE GOT TO BE OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT IF WE MUST TALK ABOUT SOME DEFINING TRAIT I HAVE. Like, fuck, seriously? I am not some tiny little baby and I am tired of being treated like one.

This is in part why I think I enjoy my relationship so much, at the moment- because there is quite a bit of physical... intinmacy, I think is the word, going on, and neither of us is making a huge deal out of it. Newsflash: I'm a grown up, I think about sex, I have desire, I swear. Just like everybody else. Now can we all move on with our lives and stop freaking out because I said the word fuck? Like fucking hell, you guys, there are better things to freak out about.

In news that is perhaps less interesting but more worth my time (I feel), I currently have 6 candles in my room because it is actually 13 degrees in here. No, seriously. I grabbed the laser thermometer (WHICH IS THE COOLEST THING EVER) and took the temperature. On my windows, it's 12. I HAVE TO CHANGE IN THIS ROOM. IT IS WAY TOO COLD IN HERE.
Also I just blew them all out with a fan, because that is dramatic and cool and stuff.

yer pal,

Saturday, December 14, 2013

God damn I am a fucking wizard

I have this skirt and I decided to try it on a couple of different ways, and let's just say I can go from "holy shit fucking sexy" to "I am the CEO of the corporation that will run your corporation into the ground" to "isn't this a lovely dinner party" like FUCKING THIS IS WHAT VERSATILITY IS. Now all I need is eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man, and I'm all set. Unfortunately, I haven't attained that level of wizard status yet, but I am capable of curling my hair with a straightening iron and I did that successfully on the first try and I can also make my lips look as red as the blood of the men I could kill if I could use liquid eyeliner successfully.

I've just been living in jeans and hoodies b/c finals and I wanted to put on something that felt more feminine. This has definitely done the trick. I am a fucking goddess right now, you guys. And I will RUN YOUR CORPORATION INTO THE GROUND AND LOOK FUCKING FABULOUS WHILE DOING SO HELL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Friday, December 13, 2013


"done my first semester of university!" "Finally finished my last final, what is this free time!" "Omg, so good to be done" like SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE OH MY GOD I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE BEING DONE FOR GOD'S SAKE
I feel that on some level I understand how the engineers feel, because they have exams until like the 20th which is just super lame. I mean engineering is difficult enough already, and then to put all the exams that late? That's just cruel. But anyway. I'm done on Monday, and I have a chem final today. But of course I have two exams left on Monday. It couldn't just be bio or math, no, it had to be both. And whenever I try to take a break, I end up looking at facebook, and every day is just another "done" status that makes me want to claw people's eyes out with jealousy. QUIT SHARING YOUR JOY. SOME OF US ARE STILL STUDYING. AND ALSO FORGOING ENJOYING THINGS LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS/SIGNIFICANT OTHERS FOR THE SAKE OF STUDYING. I was so looking forward to seeing Grag again this evening but nooo, I realized I have to study instead. I am so tired of studying. I am so. Fucking. Done. Plus being finished later means that I can't go home until later which means fewer days to visit teachers and just UNIVERSE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Seriously, though, I know it's not fair to be mad at people who are done, but I just feel so anxious all the time, like I haven't studied enough, or that I'm going to fail, and then I have to hear feedback from everyone else on their exams and then my fucking roommate is done TODAY, ugh, UGH I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I'M SO MAD.
I would much rather be done sooner than have more time to study. You have no idea. If I had had math and bio this week as well, then today would be my last day and I could like fucking go home on the weekend or something. Sigh. At least traffic won't be too bad on Wednesday, I'd think.

You know what this is ridiculous. After that math thing tonight I am coming home and making popcorn and watching Bar Rescue until I fall asleep. It's a pity party, because I am so deep in self pity right now it's not even funny. I have all day Saturday and all day Sunday to study and like my fucking bio final is only worth 30% of my grade anyway so who even cares. I'll pass it and that'll be the end of it. And I don't care what my roommate does this weekend, as long as she's quiet Sunday night. Party somewhere else. And if people are planning on partying Sunday night, well, then I'm fucked. Sigh. But I guess I'll get to sleep eventually and there's not much I can do. Also I have absolutely no problem with getting up, knocking on doors, and asking very kindly "can you guys please keep it down I have two exams tomorrow and I really need to sleep" and then saying "Can you fucking shut up I am trying to fucking sleep I have two fucking exams tomorrow" if they don't listen the first time.

Ugh. I just hate everything right now, everything is anxiety and it feels like it'll never be over.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Monday, December 9, 2013



I'm not even going to tell you whose house I slept over at, because I'm sure you can all infer from the way my life (and thus my posts) have been going. It seemed like an okay idea at the time, but then neither of us got any sleep (their bed was really small) and in the morning we both admitted we'd had a terrible sleep. Like, really terrible. And then we were waiting for the train (after I convinced them to come with me to the train station) I just started crying, I was so tired and sad. Now I'm home and I'm less sad, still tired, but I'm going to start studying at SOME point, I swear. My philosophy final is tomorrow, as is perogy night (ugh) but Grag and I are going to hang out AFTER our philosophy final and he has decided to eat dinner here to maximize that time. However, he will NOT be sleeping over, because... oh, fuck, you guys, I slept at his house last night. AND THAT'S ALL WE DID, WAS ACTUALLY SLEEP. THE REASON I DID NOT GET SLEEP WAS NOT BECAUSE OF STUFF IT WAS JUST BECAUSE OF DISCOMFORT AND THE FACT THAT THE BED WAS SMALL. So he will not be sleeping over because THAT IS A VERY BAD IDEA. Thankfully, our exam isn't until tomorrow, so I have a great opportunity to get a full night's rest tonight and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow.

It was fun until I decided not to catch the late train and go home (WHY DIDN'T I CATCH THE TRAIN AND GO HOME DAMMIT PAST SWEGAN). He rolled over at 8:30 and was like "You're awake?" and I was like "I've been awake all night" and he was like "Damn, that means you had as bad of a sleep as I did" so yeah we were both pretty sorry about that. I said next time we would have to build a fort so that we'd have more room. Also we should have more pillows. When in doubt, pillows. Pillows. I"M REALLY TIRED OKAY. I WANT TO NAP BUT NO I SHOULD STUDY. At least a little bit. And then I have to move my car tonight and also explain to my roommate why I didn't come home last night (she is currently at the library) (or so I'd assume because she is actually responsible) and also probably I should stop doing things like this because this is the second meal in the last week I've missed and haven't crossed my name off for and I feel kind of bad about that.



yer pal,

Saturday, December 7, 2013


*exaggerated breathing from yelling so much*

But UGH seriously like I started reading that book again, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap again and I know I read it before and posted about it but I can't find that post and I think when I read that book I stopped telling myself I was bad at math, because that's what all the girls in the book did, and that's when I started saying no you know what I am actually good at math. I'm not some crazy math genius, and that's okay, I don't have to be, but I am not bad at math. I'm not. I'm good at math. And I think, as crazy as it is, saying that to myself has helped me do better in math, has helped me keep up in math, because I actually started believing that I was capable of solving problems.

And I think that helps, too, to believe you're good at stuff. I think I've mentioned before that it is a surprisingly good method to maintain your self esteem to be fake-full-of-yourself, like everything I'm walking in my big parka and I overheat, I think "Wow, I'm so hot" and then my brain a second later is like "Damn straight you are" and I just smile and like god, you guys, it's the best. It's the best when I can dance in front of my mirror in my hot pink short shorts and think wow, look at your legs girl, they fine. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL SILLY. Feeling silly is better than feeling sad, I've found.

And anyway, it's not just about thinking that you're beautiful, but thinking about all the stuff you can do, too. Like I'm good at math, like I said, and I'm good at writing, too, and I'm good at research. There's definitely room for improvement, but there's always room for improvement.

Speaking of things that need room for improvement... I really need to study. I haven't actually started yet (today) and I really need to get on that. I'm going to type out all my philosophy notes and start rereading stuff. But I know I can pass philosophy. I'm good at philosophy. Obviously, again, there's room for improvement, and yeah so what I got a 70 on my essay, I tried and I had a lot of other stuff going on, too.

And my mom just texted me "Dude, you won"t believe it, ut we are at church again...dont text me back." followed by a party emoticon and I am now very confused like did my family convert to the religion du jour of the town I come from while I've been gone?

yer pal,
swegan :)

On my parents

Becoming an adult is weird.

I was definitely one of those teenagers who trusted my parents quite a bit. I sought out advice from them frequently, and often followed unwanted advice because I knew it was the right thing to do (although it pissed me off that I couldn't just figure things out for myself a lot of the time). I'm still quite close to them, and we get along very well, but I have this trouble with thinking of them as being wrong about anything. My parents are both very intelligent, and I find it incredibly difficult to argue with them, especially since they agree on a lot of things and back each other up.

The issue of "do what you love" vs. "do what will get you a career" is an interesting one, as it is for everyone. On one hand, I think my parents have a point emphasizing that my life will have much less stress in it if I have a secure career or employment of some sort, but I think that's the whole reason why they pushed me away from the arts, that's the whole reason why when I was 6 they violently shattered the dream I had of being an artist. At the time I had thought that people just picked whatever job they wanted and grew up to do that and they would be okay and have enough money, and my mom's saying "Well sure, you can be an artist... if you want to starve" really stopped that train in its tracks. And I feel like my entire life, it's been that way- no matter what career I've picked, they've found a way to find its worst aspect and play that up to me. It's not just me, either- my sister has probably had it worse than me, because I eventually took an interest in science.

And I don't regret that. Science is interesting, science is fascinating, science is what I want to work in. But at the same time I hate the idea that it pleases them, these parents who want me to succeed so badly that they've chased all the other dreams away, whether it was the dream of being an artist at 6 or a writer at 12, or even a researcher at 17. And all the time when people ask why I'm studying biology, career always comes up. I was discussing it with the PM for EPASS, and he stopped me and said "yeah, but are you studying biology because you love it or because you can get a job in it?" and I stopped and thought and said I was hoping that I could find a balance there- something I loved that was reasonable and would probably result in some career stability.

The other thing is that my parents are giving me a lot of financial support- without them, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. They've always thought that it's important to support me (and my siblings) as we get an education, so that we can (and I indirectly quote), "get a good job and do the same for our kids." Which is a nice sentiment. But at the same time it makes me feel like I have to get a good job in order to qualify for that financial support, and that's stressful. It would be nice, yes, to be able to do university on my own terms, but now I feel like I'm not allowed to drop a class or fail anything, since I'm not the one footing the bill. Going to university for five years costs more money, so I'd sure as hell better graduate in four or head into med school or something along those lines. And I just hate that. I feel like prioritizing school is important, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I can't prioritize anything else. It also makes me feel pretty useless. I'm horrendously bad at finding volunteering opportunities, which makes me miss being a part of NHS last year, and I know volunteering gives such a good sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're actually doing something and I miss it so much but volunteer opportunities just intimidate me. It was hard enough to go to the nursing home and do things.

I think I might need to accept the fact that I might be introverted, just a little bit. It wouldn't be surprising, now that I think about it- there's lots of introverts in my family. My dad is like that, he's quiet and doesn't talk much, but he has a circle of people he really cares about and cares for. My sister is painfully shy and has close friends who she talks with about anything (I feel privileged to be one of those friends, although it's not that surprising since I've known her all her life). I have an uncle whom I've only seen about three times in my life, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I get the feeling he's just not a very social person.
My mom, though, has always pushed it on me that I need to spend time with my friends, that I need to call them to have three hour phone conversations, because otherwise they wouldn't feel like I loved them or appreciated them. And for her it was so easy to call up friends and chat; for me, using the phone has only recently become not horribly terrifying. It used to make me cry, the idea of trying to call up friends. I prefer electronic communication, but my mother has always insisted that it's not good enough, it's not instant enough, you'll never get an answer unless you just call them, honey. But I don't want to, calling is so intrusive, it demands your attention NOW, whereas a text can wait there until you are ready to respond. Besides, I used to be ridiculously terrified of dialing a wrong number.
I am just now thinking maybe there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out on weekends, with only wanting to spend time with select people, with wanting to spend time with myself. Maybe I am introverted and maybe I like being alone and maybe there's actually nothing wrong with that when I've been lead to believe my whole life that that's abnormal and weird, what weird people do, and I'll never be successful and happy if I don't do that.
Maybe it's okay that I like to spend a lot of time with myself. Maybe it's okay to find comfort in that. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and it's not like I want to excommunicate myself completely. I will reach a point at which I need social contact, and that is why I have my circle of friends.

It's just very liberating to be able to think, no, my parents aren't always right, and not have them here to contradict it. For so long I have been stiflingly close to them and not allowed to make a lot of my own decisions about my own life. However, now that I think about it, isn't the money in my RESP my money? As in, if I want to take five years to go to school instead of the traditional four so that I can have more time for volunteering or just feeling less stressed, I can do that? I'm starting to think it might be nice even to just have that option. My classes next semester all sound so terribly difficult- chemistry (now it's harder), math (also harder), biology (this one's okay), women's and gender studies (the essays in here might kill me), and astrophysics (I am now severely worried about the physics part). Although.... didn't I think last semester that philosophy might be a big pile of awful and hard? Philosophy turned out to be very interesting and even though I have been saying for the past couple of weeks that I might not take any more, that might be a lie... I might take more philosophy. Fuck, I need arts credits, and not a lot of arts courses interest me. Maybe one of these classes will be too hard, but I did just have an epiphany.

I thought, you know what, if I need to drop a class and I've carefully considered all the factors and come to the conclusion that it's the right decision, it is my life and my choice to make, after all. And if it turns out to be a mistake, then so what? Aren't I supposed to make mistakes? Am I not supposed to try things and make my own path, or something like that? This is my life, not my parents', and while I greatly appreciate their support, I can't let it be control.
Part of this involves my relationship as well. It is not up to my parents to tell me what I am and am not ready for, it is up to me and me alone. They are not the ones dating this boy, I am, and even though it's weird for me to think of myself as a grownup, I am a grownup now. I think I am doing just fine so far. And if they do pull out the financial support rug, well, I've got some savings, I'll figure something out. But my parents still care about me, and in the end, I should seriously figure out if Registered Education Savings Plans are actually money that now belongs to me to use towards my education or if that's still my parents' money.

I think I also need some sleep. I still have a lot of studying to do. On my own terms, of course, which means sleeping in past breakfast (although today's Saturday, so brunch is on for the weekend, yessssss) again and then wasting time until lunch (or brunch b/c WEEKEND), and then working all afternoon.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Friday, December 6, 2013


It is really hard to study for chemistry when my mind is very focused on a very different kind of chemistry. Also my mind keeps saying "so what if you could go back to past swegan on the first day of philosophy and make her turn around and look at Grag and be like "hey... hey guess what... YOU'RE GOING TO DATE HIM. And you know what else? YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM. And you know what the best part is? YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT AND YOU TWO ARE GOING TO ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER SO MUCH THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE THE FIRST DAY AFTER CLASSES END AND CASUALLY JUST HANG OUT AND DO STUFF FOR LIKE 7 HOURS.
I am not kidding, that actually happened, and it was... well... you see, as the amount of stuff we do increases, the less I can reveal to the world. Well I could reveal it, but it's of a highly personal nature and so I'd really rather prefer not to. But I will say that being an adult is great because now there is literally no limit to what I can do. All I have to do is stick to my comfort zone (and his) and we will be fine. *waggles eyebrows* or more than fine, if you know what I mean.

ANYWAY. Finals are coming up and my poor roommate is so stressed out she can't sleep. I feel so bad for her, especially because the program she went into is really hard and she's just having trouble keeping up and keeping her mental state up, I guess. I had no idea that she was actually doing so poorly, and I feel really sorry for her, but I guess we all have to learn to deal with exams in our own time. My time was last year when I had 13 exams over two weeks. I look back on them now and they're not intimidating, but that's because I've already written them. Anyway, I only have four now (well technically 7 but I have already completed my lab exams and English) which is much better than last year, when I had four in ONE DAY. I made it through those, I can make it through this. Plus I have spent the day reviewing two subjects, and I will spend tomorrow reviewing two more (one of which will also be philosophy again because that's my first exam and damn if I'm not still terrified), and then the next day reviewing two more. Also, after the philosophy exam, Grag and I have decided to hang out and do stuff again. Until then, I will spend the weekend studying my ass off and procrastinating like no one has ever procrastinated before.

I already have procrastination planned for tonight. I will work until 9 (or maybe 9:30 b/c of all the procrastination I've been doing) (like yesterday) (yesterday was pure procrastination)


yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 1, 2013

"You are not owed a world in which only beautiful people enter your view"

I got a little distracted on Sparknotes trying to review for English, and stumbled across this article: http://community.sparknotes.com/2013/10/14/auntie-sparknotes-is-it-common-courtesy-to-cover-my-eczema. It's very, very true, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is silly and conceited. People don't always look perfect and they certainly don't owe it to anyone to cover up their imperfections. People have acne and rashes and scars, and that's that. I know I've been guilty of thinking things like this, too, and it is truly not a good thing to do (and I have been trying to replace it by thinking three nice things about that person every time I think something bad about them (re: appearances), which really helps because it forces me to see the beauty in other people, rather than what's not perfect about them) (and to recognize that they are people too).

It resonated with me because of a conversation I had last year with a couple of friends in the cafeteria. They told me this little story of how "some fat girl was just in here wearing this tank top that was way too tight, and it just didn't look good on her, y'know, like you have to dress for your body", etc etc. At the time I think I agreed with them, which was heinous and wrong and don't agree with people when they say that, please. Because I went home and realized that, wait a minute, there's something wrong here.
When people say "Dress for your body shape" usually it means "dress in the most flattering way" which I'm guessing roughly translates to "dress in the way that makes you look skinniest" and there is just something so fucked up about that I can't even.

This little incident, I thought, related to this article/advice thing/whatever as well. You don't have to dress a certain way to please people that think that if you're not dressing to look your skinniest you're doing it wrong. There's nothing wrong with dressing that way, but there's nothing wrong with not dressing that way, either. You don't owe it to anyone to dress a certain way. And if anyone tries to tell you that someone else looks "disgusting" squeezing out of their tank top, you can tell them that actually it's none of their fucking business and that you hope they have a nice day.

Dress is complicated because there's still some occasions where that's not okay, i.e., business things, formal functions, etc. But in everyday life, who cares? I just hope that everyone dresses warmly enough for the weather, because that is a matter of health and wellness and not just appearance and so I am a stickler for it. I mean if you think you can handle wearing a miniskirt at this time of year this far North, I applaud you, but I am still going to question your judgement.

This isn't to say that you have to like how people dress, either. You're not obligated to do that. But don't judge them based on their appearance- hell, if I had just said "no" to Grag when he asked me out because he wears sweatpants LITERALLY ALL THE TIME, where would I be now? The important thing to remember is that there are people in those clothes who might actually become really good friends, or even more than good friends (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN') if you just ignore the fact that you think their wardrobe is horrible and get to know them. (On the other hand, they might also be people you will not get along with. Dress is not an indicator of compatibility). I am a firm believer in the idea that personality is what counts, and if things do work out, then you won't really care about what they look like because you'll know that within is this awesome person that you get to know and hang out with. It's fantastic.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Someday all this will be stories and I like the idea of that

I like the idea of telling people about my university years someday, and getting to say "I had a fantastic first semester- I have no idea how it was so good, but I managed to do well in all my classes, visit home a couple of times, make new friends, get involved in an awesome club that allowed me to explore my interest in space, and I got a boyfriend." Like how. How is this happening. How am I doing this. IT LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE I HAVE MY LIFE ALL FIGURED OUT AND I STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD FEEL THAT WAY.

Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.

Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.

Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)

The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, November 24, 2013


So there's this link that was shared on my facebook page by the "Because I am a Girl Canada" page that I follow. It's an article in The Atlantic about some yahoo being invited to speak in "public" schools in the South of the US. It's all about "how to be dateable", and of course it enforces ridiculously sexist stereotypes (about both genders, might I add) that are just complete and total bullshit. The article (which is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/christian-speaker-tells-public-school-students-how-to-be-dateable/281488/) mentions that he has a site, so just for shits and giggles, I found it, and there was a "R U DATEABLE" quiz at the bottom so I thought hey, what the hell.
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's  house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!

Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.

I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I challenge thee

Say nice things about yourself to yourself when you are having a bad day.

Just stop when you walk in front of the mirror, and look at yourself. Look at you! Look at how gorgeous you are. Look at that hair, oh man, it's so fucking delightful. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT. And those eyes. HOLY WOW. They are really something. And your cheeks, when you smile, when you frown, when you cry- absolutely fucking gorgeous, all the time. Isn't it amazing, how beautiful you are when you look at yourself?

Look at the rest of you, too. I like to look at my hands, I love my hands, they're so tiny, slender, elegant. If I bend them the right way, I can convey a meaning of different things, I can write story after story with these hands and fingers. And my arms! Oh my goodness, look at them, with random little bumps here and there- isn't that funny? And the freckles in a triangular shape on my arm- aren't those neat? I just love them. And that mole, there, on my right arm- that's how I learned to tell the difference between right and left as a kid.

And my legs. Holy fucking hell, legs. LEGS. Legs are great. Muscular legs, lean legs, flabby legs. All of them. Love them. Fucking beautiful. They get you places. They let you dance and run.

And even if you don't have these things, you're still beautiful. Look at you, look at all you still have! You are still human, you still have a beating heart, a digestive system, a pair of lungs that let you breathe in all the air around you. And when you do, there's still gas exchange, and then those gases are pumped through the heart to the brain, to the organs, and everything functions. Maybe it doesn't always function right, but the underlying biology is still there, and there is so much inherent beauty in that, in all its complexity.

And look at all you can do! Everyone can do things. Maybe they're not things that are "useful", but you can still do stuff. You can pick flowers, or sing, or pick things up, you can communicate and learn, love, cry, you can become anything. You can become a vast array of things with your vast array of skills. And maybe you don't have a really cool one, like drawing or beatboxing or being able to come up with poetry on the fly. So what? Those talents are just as beautiful and wonderful as any of yours. You don't have to be excellent at things, either, to feel good about them. I can make outfits. Woohoo! Look at that, look at that thing I can do. I can come up with stories- I am so proud of that. I wear that like a badge of honour.

And feelings, look at all the feelings you have! You are human, after all, and humans have so many different emotions, and they are so different for everyone. And they are such wonderful mysteries, as is everything else about the brain, about the body, about people. People are such puzzles, mysteries of biology and personality and decoration.

Let's just stop there for a minute, and zoom back out. Just look at you- all of you. Everything you have done and will do, everything you are doing, the ways in which you have chosen to dress and decorate yourself, the things you can do, the things you wish you could, the thoughts you have from day to day. People are just so beautiful, and you are a person.

Yesterday, I had to wake up at five thirty. I was exhausted and grumpy all day, and I didn't do as well on my essay as I would have liked. So on my way down for dinner, I stopped in front of the mirror, and looked at all the positive things I see in myself. I think the best thing is that I am far from perfect, but I get up every day anyway, and just try to get through the day, plan for the future, make people laugh, learn something new. You are imperfect too, and you have still done things. And you can do more things now if you want. All you have to do is get up anyway, get up despite, and someday it will start feeling more like getting up because.

I just feel like I have all this self-esteem coming out of me, radiating off like waves. Sure, maybe I procrastinate and can sometimes accidentally say really mean things, and sometimes I'm clumsy and embarrass myself, and I often don't pick up on things that are sometimes embarrassingly obvious. So what? I'm still here. I get up because I am worth getting up for, because I know people want to see me today, because I want to go to school and learn, because I want to try and make someone else happy. And some days, yes, I get up despite the fact that going to math does not sound like my idea of fun. But you just gotta keep trying anyway.
That's why I don't like the quote "do or do not, there is no try" because it draws such a distinct line between success and failure. There is try, and sometimes it's all you can do. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't even try. Pick yourself up and keep going anyway.

People are just so beautiful, and I just feel like the world is, too. And life, life is so amazing, and that's why I'm studying biology.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

K but then there's those words tho

Like words where you know what they mean, you know there literal definition, but the connotations just make the word so much more awkward. Like the word caress, for example. That word to me comes loaded with a bunch of sexual connotations even though I think it just means to stroke something gently, but then stroke is also a weird word with odd connotations, and I just don't know how to phrase anything in a way that doesn't make me feel dirty.

I should mention this is based on real events. Yesterday, Grag and I figured out our classes ended at the same time, so he came with me to my car and helped me brush it off and even scraped off some of the ice for me, which was nice, and then we walked back to the university and found this little bench area in the business atrium (at least I think that's what it was) and sat there for a while, facing the window so we could watch the snow. After a lot of awkward talking, I FINALLY convinced him to hold my hand (even after he was like "I'm blatantly ignoring your wishes" and scooted away and then he leaned over and tried to rest his head on my shoulder and it's like oh you poor baby squirrel what are you even doing, you don't know what you're doing do you like goodness me, he really hasn't been in a relationship before, has he?), and I was wearing a sweater- shirt that only went down to my elbows. He kept looking at my arm like it was something interesting (it's just an arm, like that's it that's all, folks), and then he said he didn't understand jewellery and touched my arm and said "this part is cute" and then touched my watch and was like "but I don't understand how this adds to it" and after allowing myself a moment of OHWOWTHATWASSUPERSSWEETANDALSOVERYSMOOTHGOODJOBMAN I pointed out that my watch helps me to, y'know, know what time it is and all. And then he just left his hand on my arm, and this is where the word "caress" comes in, but it sounds so fucking awkward to be like *puts on awkward actor voice* "he caressed my arm" like that just sounds really really REALLY intimate but that is actually the best way to describe what was going on and dear lord was it ever nice. Also very sweet, but then that's the kind of person he seems to be around me.
I admitted to him yesterday over skype later (just sending IMs, nothing exciting) that I had really liked when he did that, like a lot, like holy wow pls do that again at some point in the future. Which he did try to do again today, although the philosophy hallway was much more crowded and so I kind of grabbed his thumb sort of so I could stop him without it being weird. BUT BUT BUT we are going to try to do a movie night on Saturday, which will be fun because movies and snuggling and OMFG YAY but also a little bit nervewracking because oh okay I am just casually going to end up MEETING YOUR MOTHER YEAH NO BIG DEAL NO PRESSURE AT ALL HAHAHAHAHAHA I am just so worried about coming off mean or bitchy or stupid or picky (I am eating dinner there. Dinner. I AM eATING DINNER AT HIS HOUSE YOU GUYS I AM GOING TO DIE wait does this mean i have to bring something NO yes? NO HOW DO I ADULTHOOD AUHOUANOUTOWHJDFANSOUQ I THOUGHT ADULTS BROUGHT WINE TO DINNER??) (no swegan calm down you will be fine omfg you are 18 obvi you don't have to do everything right okay) and also that the four cats he owns will cause my allergies to kill me. That's a little bit nervewracking as well. However, he has promised to clean, and I will take my claritin or whatever even though it makes me all loopy. Better loopy than, well, puffy-eyed and crying, I suppose.

IN OTHER NEWS I have 5 million things to do this week KILL ME NOW UGH this math assignment like I have just given up already I am not even kidding like I have been working on it nonstop for ages and i am so fucking done with trying to find the concavity of functions like x^(7)*ln(x) like NO THAT IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE AND THIS ASSIGNMENT IS RIDICULOUS SIR. The fact that I have the function from the homework memorized should tell you something. I'm at 34.8% now, which is something, but I'd like to at least pass. However, it's only worth 1% of my grade so... it can get put on the backburner. It's assignment 8, anyway, and the lowest percentage one we get is dropped, so it's like even if I did shitty on the last two that's still 7% of my grade that I'll get that's actually good and like I WILL FUCKING TAKE THAT. Besides with stuff like my chem lab final next week, I have bigger fish to fry. Well, that and a biology presentation and a philosophy quiz on thursday. SRSLY U GUISE THIS WEEK IS GONNA SUCK until friday.

Friday I get to go to this festival-type-thing that's apparently a really big deal. It's featuring two famous Canadian artists (though the type of art I won't specify) and I'm going with Carina and another of her friends. It actually looks like it'll be super interesting and inspiring, and besides, it's culture! I'm going out with friends! Yay! Having a life! Doing things! Also Carina is super-duper cool. I don't know if I have mentioned that before. She appreciates all my bio class jokes. Friends who appreciate things like that are like friends who don't mind that I talk during movies: real keepers. Srsly people who let me talk during movies are the best. And I do try not to talk in intense scenes, or when other characters are talking. I just like to make witty comments. Hopefully Grag doesn't mind, although if he does, I will shut up (as I will do when watching movies with anyone who doesn't like that sort of thing). However, Artifex, Lucy, Freckles, and maybe even Vince don't mind when I do, and this is perhaps why they are some of my closest friends.

Anyway I've been up for almost 17 hours so now I get to attempt to counter that with about 7 hours of sleep. Yay.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Oh so that's what winter is

I woke up this morning and it looked like a blizzard outside. I rolled over, checked the weather forecast on my phone, and it was like 'Snowfall warning' and 'it's only -10 outside but it feels like -20" and just ALL THOSE COMMENTS DESCRIBING WINTER THAT WERE JUST "Welcome to hell" MAKE SENSE NOW LIKE OH.

Seriously, though, it's really coming down out there. I had thought yesterday that I'd go to the library and study, but I don't want to go out in this unless I absolutely have to. I guess it's safe to pull out my parka and heated mittens now, also... which means the end of hand-holding outside, which is kinda disappointing, but hey you can still hold someone's mitten-hand, y/y? Although probably no more walks will happen if it keeps snowing and blowing like this. This is very disappointing. All those walks we took were so much fun and I was like "wow if we keep doing this this relationship is gonna be so good for my health" but nooo, now it has to be winter. UGH CANADA PLS.

Of course the benefit of winter is that it's all cozy and so that's romantic. But it sounds weird saying that. NOOO SWEGAN, YOU ARE AN ADULT, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY ROMANTIC. But it still feels weird saying that. Fuck, it still feels weird saying I have a boyfriend. Yep. Yeah that's weird. That's super weird.

In other news, I should be writing, because I have two characters who are adults who CAN be romantic without it being weird, if they would just realize they're meant to be already, augh.

Do you ever feel like you have friends but you don't? Like I know there's people I could talk to and Lucy and I live in the same city, for crying out loud, but we never see each other. I see Carina in bio and we're going out to a festival-thing next friday (her and I and someone else I don't know). I talk to Vince on skype a lot, and also her friend that she introduced me to who does not have a nickname as of yet. I talk to people in my building quite a bit, and I think some of us might be going out to a movie tonight, but I'm not sure. I talk to my roommate. I talk to the guy who sits next to me in math (we may or may not have math together again next semester, so I guess that's nice). I talk to the people around me in English a little bit. I interact with people on facebook... does that count? I don't really know. I feel like last year I had all these friends I spent all this time with and we had all our classes together and we were really close,and this year it's different, and I feel weird about the fact that I don't really mind. I spend a lot of time just by myself, talking to friends via the internet... is that so bad?

Also, whenever I list friends, I never include people I am in a relationship with, because of course everyone just wants to see the people they're in a relationship with all the f*cking time and it is seriously annoying b/c I am like "no, no I need to have balance in my life" but that's really hard to do when literally all you want to do is not that. UGH WORDS PLS.

It isn't UNreasonable to see people you're in a relationship with more than twice a week, though, is it? How do I do this without turning into one of those people who have no life outside of their boy/girlfriend? Ugh. UGH. UGH THIS IS STUPID UGH UGH UGH. UGH I HAVE ALL THIS HOMEWORK TO DO THIS WEEKEND. Like editing my english essay that's worth half my grade! And studying for the chem lab final which apparently is a real kick in the ass and some girl last year thought she did well and got 2/20 on it! And doing math, because that's always so much fun! And typing up info for my bio presentation! Actually that's it. Jesus, and I'm stressed out over this? I had more homework than this last year in IB. Perhaps it's because the stakes are higher? That's gotta be it, because that chem lab final is super terrifying. BUT AS AN ASAPSCIENCE VIDEO JUST INFORMED ME, oxytocin, which apparently is "the cuddle hormone" and not the "uterine cramps hormone", helps to relieve stress. And how is it released? Through positive social interaction. AND GUESS WHO'S GETTING A LOT OF POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION NOW, HAHAHAHA oh wait but I don't get to see Grag again until Tuesday hahahahaha.

Well I guess I should write my novel now.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


I am now in a relationship. Also currently waiting for my mother's disapproval. Sigh.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I got to go to Grag's karate class tonight, and after the first hour when the parents and their small children left because small children have school in the morning, I was invited to try. Apparently I wasn't that bad, which I think stems from all the dance I did as a kid. The setup of the class was very similar.

After the class he noted that when I had attempted to take him down (we had to do that with everyone and there is probably a better name for it but this was my first time going to any sort of karate class at all so deal with it) was pretty much the closest we've ever been physically. Which was actually true. When we finally got off the bus at the university again I had literally been trying to hold his hand all night and so finally I just sort of brought it up in conversation and was super subtle-but-not-subtle about it and he was all "Well, as someone with no relationship experience, I suppose you could just ask... do you want to hold hands?" And I smiled like an idiot and reached down and held his hand and I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH PEOPLE OMFG IT IS THE BEST.

Also at one point on the bus he kind of indirectly described himself as my boyfriend, which I then indirectly validated, so... yeah. I think it's pretty clear that it's a real relationship.

Of course now I'm being all stupid and can't think about anything else and I just feel like a giant idiot from smiling so much. It's kind of sad. I really need to get something done. LIKE MY ENGLISH PAPER, AHHHHH. HALF MY GRADE AND NOT VERY GOOD. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. (according to the peer review my thesis is unclear and not original (too late to change it now though yolo i guess) and my paragraphs aren't very well organized and I'm too wordy and need to be more concise) (which is why I'm glad I have no class tomorrow morning so I can start to make that paper better)

Oh, and the Christmas party is a thing that will be happening and he was saying tonight that he's got a suit for it and like dress shoes and everything and it's like WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW I WILL THINK OF NOTHING ELSE I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE I LIKE DRESSED UP YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS IT IS RIDIC. ALSO MISTLETOE IS A THING THAT HAPPENS AT CHRISTMAS. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS. *internally panics and is excited at the same time*

No it will be fine our TA is nice and all we have to do is present our data and like analyze it that is not that hard IT WILL BE FINE CALM DOWN.

yer pal,
swegan :)


Just had a brief, 3 second moment where I felt at home.

I'm not at home, I'm in my apartment/residence, for school.

I think I'm going to take this as a good sign. Now I have another home.

In other news I meant to do my chem problem set but spent the last 1.25 hours on tumblr instead.

yer pal,

Monday, November 11, 2013

But more importantly, today is Remembrance day

And Remembrance day is very important.

This past easter I had the opportunity to go on a school trip with a couple of history teachers. We visited a lot of battle sites in northern France, all with Canadian ties. We saw Vimy Ridge, the battlefield, tunnels, and memorial, and we saw Beaumont-Hamel, where the Battle of the Somme resulted in the Newfoundland regiment being quite wiped out, and we saw Juno beach, the memorial centre, and the cemetery outside of Arromanches. At that cemetery, we were all given a flower to put at whichever grave we wished as a way to show respect.

Visiting that cemetery isn't easy. It's very hard to walk up and down the rows of graves, reading the name and age of each soldier, reading the epitaphs someone wrote for them. I placed my flowers at the grave that finally made me cry.

B.147929 Private
R.J. Neault
The North Nova Scotia
Le 8 Julliet 1944 Age 23
Our son and brother
Never a father to be
Sacrificial child

After being able to see these places, see how the scars of wars are still there even 100 years later, Remembrance day takes on a very different meaning. Those wars were fought so long ago, and although learning about them in school gives them their own kind of significance, I'm very grateful that I had the privilege to be able to go and see where those battles were fought, because it really puts everything in new perspective. It feels more real to me now that I've seen the places where those people fought and died so long ago, so that I enjoy the rights I have today.

After that visit, I think of those people much more often. Because of those wars, because of the people who fought in them, I enjoy the right to obtain an education, to work in whatever field I choose, to live where I want, to freely express myself in words and beliefs, to criticize my government, to protest, to change the world some more. I think a big part of the reason I love my life so much right now is because of all those privileges- I love being able to live away from home in a big city, being able to attend an excellent university to study biology. I love that I'm able to do that freely, that I'm able to be a feminist, to be critical of the world around me as it applies to women and femininity. I'm grateful that I'm allowed to be an atheist, to believe that the world exists as it is due to chance and physics and universal laws. These things shouldn't be taken lightly, these privileges.

Because I live in a free society, I'm allowed to come home for our long weekend, to dance around to whatever kind of music I want as I pack my suitcase to head back up to school tomorrow, after visiting my old teachers who helped me through the IB program- another privilege (though it didn't always feel like it, I'm very grateful that I had the opportunity to pursue my education that way). And because people fought and died in wars a very long time ago, I live in a free society.

So I guess the right thing to say would be thank you. Although I know many of those soldiers are now dead and thus can't hear my thanks, it's still the right thing to say. If they were alive, I have a feeling they'd be happy to know that they were successful, that because they gave their all, fought, served, and died, their countries remained free. That's an incredible accomplishment, and I'm incredibly thankful that I'm allowed to live in one of the societies protected by those soldiers and doctors and officers and pilots and many other people who fought in long-ago wars.

Thank you.






Art-Anna... you are literally my favourite right now. Keep being amazing.


yer pal,

I have so many more words to write before I catch up, ughhhhhhhh.

Sometimes I forget that the majority of people in the world still believe in some kind of god

Sometimes I forget that when people say the word god, they actually mean something, when to me it's just a word that's tacked on at the end of "oh my" to form a common phrase. The word god doesn't mean anything to me, it doesn't hold any significance. And a lot of the time, I keep forgetting that the majority of the world is completely unlike that.
I'm not going to complain about it. Believe whatever you want, I don't care, whatever keeps you happy at night. I'm completely satisfied with the belief that I am a small speck in a big universe and I'm going to die someday and that will be the end of me, that I am in total control of my own life, that everyone else is also in total control of their lives, and that nothing other than that fact and the laws of physics which govern the universe cause anything to happen.

Of course, I get a nice little reminder when people on facebook post religious stuff. I saw this the other day, and at first it seemed okay, and then I kept reading. I really should have stopped:

"Apparently the White House referred to Christmas Trees as Holiday Trees for the first time this year, which prompted CBS presenter, Ben Stein, to present this piece which I would like to share with you.

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejewelled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a nativity scene, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorist attacks, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what a bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein
 — with Terry Reed."

*cracks knuckles* oh, where do I begin?

Oh, poor baby, you have atheism shoved down your throat? How about we don't have religion in public schools because not everyone believes it anymore? I'm not saying let's not have religious discussion in school- by all means, let's have a class that teaches about the various different religions in the world, their beliefs and practices, so that people can make up their own minds. What I'm against is people acting like atheism is wrong and being "shoved down their throats" and like atheism is the immoral thing that's causing all these bad things to happen.
Newsflash: school shootings don't happen because schools are secular. School shootings happen because of bad gun laws and people who somehow get it in their heads that shooting other people is okay. That has absolutely fucking nothing to do with your god. Nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING.
That's what I really hate about this, it implies that religion is the only way through which people can be moral. Second newsflash: I'm a moral person (according to societal standards), and guess what, I am totally not religious. WHOA HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?? Well, maybe it's because I'm a human being who was raised by human standards, by parents who raised me to be honest and kind, parents who raised me not to steal and hurt other people, simply because those things hurt other people, sometimes myself, and so I shouldn't do them because, at the bottom of it all, humans are social creatures who need to be able to live together to survive, so hurting each other isn't really in our best interests. The end.
Another bit I really hate is the "we aren't allowed to worship god." WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHO THE FUCK IS STOPPING YOU OH MY GOODNESS, all we are saying is that if you want your kids to learn the bible, don't make the school do it, because the school is where kids who come from families who don't follow the bible go too. Maybe those families believe in another holy book, or, like mine, no holy book at all. And, you know what, I actually have several bibles lying around the house because WE WERE FUCKING GIVEN BIBLES IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Don't even whine to me that public schools are completely atheist if I was given a fucking bible in a public school in Canada. That is such an absolute load of fucking crap.
And the whole thing is written under the bias of a person who believes that god exists, too. Third newsflash (have you been living under a rock?): there's actually no proof of that. No, literally. There's none. NONE. And don't try to use the bible argument. "Oh, well god exists because it says so in the bible." Who wrote the bible? "It is the word of god." So... to assume the bible is truth, one has to assume god exists, which is the only way to get proof that god exists (unless you're Descartes and you work out the causal principle, which can also be argued to be incorrect). That's a circular argument, that's a logical fallacy. I can't accept a deductive argument based on premises like that. If the premises aren't true, the conclusion isn't true.

Just. The whole thing. Pisses me off so much. People like this... I just don't understand how they function on a daily basis. You guys are aware that other people in the world believe other things, right? You can't change that. You can't do anything about it. There's lots of people who don't believe what you do, people like me even, who don't believe in any sort of higher power. How does that sit with you?
I have accepted that there are plenty of other people in the world who don't believe what I do, and I'm fine with it, so fine with it that often times I actually forget that that's the case. I don't have to prove my beliefs to anybody, I don't need them shoved down other people's throats and stuffed into the minds of children for me to be satisfied with them. I don't need to build buildings about it, I don't need to write books of crazy stories about it with a list of ironclad rules that have severe punishments. No, my belief is simple: I should be a good person because it is to the benefit of myself and to the benefit of those around me, often equally.
This is another part of religion I don't like; often times I've heard kids say things along the lines of "first comes god, then comes others, and then lastly, myself." That's just not healthy. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, looking out for yourself. Look after others, too, but for crying out loud, have some balance. Help people, but don't be afraid to help yourself, don't be afraid to ask for help. Just keep things balanced. That is all I can say.

I am just so sick and tired of being called immoral because I don't believe the same fairy tale that a large portion of the world believes. I think Miley Cyrus actually said something to this effect, something like "Going out doesn't make you a bad person, just like going to church doesn't make you a good person." Just because you're religious, doesn't automatically mean you are better and wiser and more moral than me. You are just another human being, just like me. Your beliefs do not make you better- likewise, they do not necessarily make you worse. However, there are some people in the world who do use their beliefs in such a way that I think it does make them worse, like those people who think that "religious freedom" means that their religion is the only way and that no others, like atheists, should have religious freedom- this has a lot to do with birth control in the states. If you don't like birth control, don't f*cking use it. But just because you don't like it doesn't mean you get to impose your way of life on other people. Sorry, sweetykins, that's not how the world works, and it's about time you grew up and realized that.

I do realize this post is pretty nasty and condescending, and I realize that I should be the bigger person, but sometimes that's really hard. Sometimes this happens.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people who are religious and choose to go to church and read the bible and believe that jesus died for our sins. I do have something against people who judge me for not being religious and doing all that stuff that goes with it. If you want to quietly live out a religious life, go right ahead, just leave other people out of it when they ask, okay?

And for the love of the nonexistent god everyone seems to believe in, can you not pray for me? Seriously. I'm fine. I don't need it, it's really annoying and just kind of patronizing. Don't pray for the salvation of my soul. Just let me be. I don't need saving, thanks. I'm just fine.
Oh, and don't be that woman on Google+ who thought it was okay to tell me I was angry and confused and did need help. Don't try to tell others what they're feeling, k? K. All settled then.

yer pal,

Sunday, November 10, 2013


but first GRAG REMINDS ME OF NILES SO HARD OMFG. I think it's the hair. Well, that, and sometimes the way he speaks. I dunno. It's like how my dad's cousin reminds me of Cameron Diaz, or how Zoey reminds me of Britney Spears (well, Britney Spears in like 2002). There is no explanation. There is just weird resemblance.

BUT BUT BUT he emailed me three times about three different things, one of which is this Christmas party that the students' union at our school apparently has. Since he volunteers, he gets to go, but he is also allowed one guest, and he invited me. :3 I should mention this is like, a fancy Christmas party with a theme, so I have to dress up, and EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FEELS SO ADULT OMFG IT IS WONDERFUL. The only problem now is that I don't actually have a dress that goes with the theme, but believe me, I'll sort something out. I have been freaking out about it all day. When I told my mother about it, she just said she hoped there would be no shenanigans, to which I responded: "Mom, if I say there won't be any shenanigans, there sure as hell won't be any shenanigans."
Can you wear a black dress to a Christmas party? Are these things adults are just supposed to know? FUCK WHAT IF HE WEARS A SUIT YOU GUYS AND HAS LIKE FUCKING DRESS SHOES AND EVERYTHING OMG I WILL LITERALLY DIE. It would be such a big jump from sweatpants and t-shirts and running shoes.

Now is when I realize I don't know how to hair, either. I guess if I can curl it somehow... I mean, I don't think Grag will really care what my hair looks like, but I care, and like 75% of every time I dress fancy is because I like dressing fancy. Also I think he mentioned this in part because I mentioned that I liked dressing fancy. He keeps doing that, remembering things I like. It's really sweet. I'm trying so hard to do the same thing back because I feel like that's how you show people you care about them. Or one way, anyway. However, so far I know very little about him other than that he does karate, is pretty nerdy (he plays dungeons and dragons, ergo, he is nerdy) (no like you can't dispute that with me that is how it is) (not that it's a bad thing), plays video games (sometimes??? I think??) and may or may not be a brony. Oh, and he's really good at philosophy. Well, I guess I know other things about him, too, but like... I don't really know what he likes. Geez. This is so hard.

Also I apologize for my entire blog being this lately but this does tend to happen. When I started university, this whole thing was university for like weeks and weeks, and I'm fairly certain this same thing that's happening right now may or may not have happened in grade nine. It's a good distraction from the fact that I'm about 8000 words behind on NaNo and have only written 3K today to catch up, which is just sad. Plus it was all dialogue, which I'm pretty proud of, but still. I wrote a scene. I can do better than that.
Also he's so f*cking sweet to me all the time I swear I'm going to get cavities if I don't talk about it.

But I did have a thought today, when I told mom about the guy who sits next to me in math and how his name is eerily similar to a history teacher I had in high school and she asked if he was cute-- I feel like my mother thinks that the guys that end up liking me are stereotypically attractive, and they never are. That's not to say they aren't attractive, just in different ways- this sounds really bad, but it's not, I swear- and I guess... I want to say my mom doesn't see that, but that's not quite it, either. I don't even think it's about that, it's about the fact that Grag is 22 and has basically done ... well, not a lot, since getting out of high school. I'm not going to lie and say that's attractive to me, either, but then again, it's not like it matters right now. I still think about middle school far more than I should, and that doesn't matter. I don't care if it's a stupid idea but right now I think, well, we get along, he's a good person, he's kind to me, and he's smart. I don't really see a need for much else. Well, he takes care of himself, too.
I think my mom... I think she just worries about me, but honestly I just wish she could be happy for me about this and then if it falls apart later, be sad with me. Literally everyone else I talk to is happy for me, even after I tell them what Grag is like (I feel so bad when people ask me if he's cute because... well, now I can say he's cute because he keeps doing all these fucking adorable things and just AUGH SO CUTE but as for the whole stereotypical-cute-boy thing, that's not really there for me), and the only person so far who's expressed such vehement disapproval is my mother. I can't even tell her that I think I can say we're dating now, because she'd protest it and it would just be depressing.

It's like, mother, you saw the guy I dated in high school, you saw how nerdy he was, how poorly he dressed, how not-stereotypical-cute-boy he was (I FEEL SO BAD SAYING THIS OMFG BUT PLS SAY YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN LIKE HOW IN BOOKS AND MOVIES THERE IS ALWAYS A CUTE GUY WHO IS ALSO SUPER NICE AND SMART AND YET IN REAL LIFE THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING COMPLEX AND BEAUTIFUL), and the only boy to like me before that also fits this category (although that was fifth grade and he wasn't very sweet, just awkward). I attract nerdy, sweet boys. That appears to be all. Probably a little because I'm a nerd myself. I don't attract the omfgsupercutewithperfecthair guys. I don't. And it's like you know what fine if that's how my life is going to be, that's really not that bad. It's not bad at all. It's not like I attract stupid asshole meanface boys, which would be far worse no matter how cute they were.

I just feel like saying "I care about what's on the inside" sounds way too corny and also way too not-humble like oh, look at me, look at how not-shallow I am. I am just as shallow as everyone else is- I mean, being physically attracted to people is important. But I think the thing is that physical attraction can grow out of just general attraction, but general attraction can't grow out of physical attraction alone, no matter how much 12-year-old-me may seem like a glaring counterexample. That wasn't general attraction. I don't know what that was. But trust me, it's way easier to become physically attracted to someone good (and I am using that term very vaguely here) than it is to someone bad. And I mean, everyone looks good when they dress up for something, so.... this should be a fun Christmas party.

I am just really hoping for dress shoes. You have no idea. What dress shoes. Do. To. My. Mind. (My sister earlier tonight said something funny along the lines of "well of course they do, everyone likes someone who dresses all fancy" or something- it was quite funny but I can't remember it now).

Oh god what if I actually suck at dancing OH NO.
No, no, I totally aced those dance units in gym in grades 9 and 10. I'll be fine... right? I mean obvi we won't be doing crazy country square dancing (which was so much fun tho actually) (I GOT TO DO THE ENTIRE GRADE 10 DANCE UNIT WITH NERD WHILE I WAS DATING HIM HOW DID WE HAVE SUCH GOOD LUCK OMFG) and it will probs be just as awkward as everyone else...

In case you couldn't tell by the length of this post, I'm a little nervous. And maybe just excited. Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. Hi Freckles. I know you are reading this, you little cupcake.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


So I have joined an engineering project on campus that is hoping to send a satellite to space on this NASA rocket in 2015. I need a nickname for it, too, because I can't actually say the name of it b/c then it gives away more of my location than I'm comfortable with. I'm thinking Engineering Project of Awesome Space Stuff, which, shortened, is EPASS, which is fine with me because it's easy to remember. Anyway, I got put as an apprentice project manager (b/c none of the technical stuff interested me at all) AND IT IS SO MUCH FUN OMG
I mean yes, there's work involved, and the other apprentice pm and I actually still have to create a spreadsheet to keep track of bi-monthly expense reports (which we designed... sort of... we sort of just made it very similar to a template, and he did most of the work b/c I don't know how to use excel) and I will probably get asked to do a lot of editing (FINE BY ME I LOVE FIXING GRAMMAR) and stuff. I still feel like I could do a lot more than I do... and speaking of which, the operations manager just quit so they need someone to do that, and the pm suggested the other apprentice and I do it. To be honest it frightens me a little, but I figure I can at least go see what operations is about before I make up my mind.
Basically what I do is go and try to learn how to do stuff, which is hard, yeah, but it's never super overwhelming. I do actually have a bunch of stuff to read (I have to have a knowledge of the technical aspects of the satellite on some level), but then again, I also have this giant long-ass weekend coming up so... I'm planning on doing a lot of reading, let's just say that. My chem textbook is packed away in my suitcase and my bio textbook has an online version, and then I have to read and edit an essay for a peer review (my english essay is kind of terrible and worth half my grade, so we'll see what I get out of the peer review), and then I have a math assignment I could start.
SPEAKING OF MATH ASSIGNMENTS... at an EPASS meeting tonight, after we had finished (well it was actually like 90% him b/c I don't know how to bs that well like holy crap it was amazing) I mentioned that now I would go home and work on this math assignment I was probably going to fail. And then I spent the next hour and a half getting help on my math assignment from the pm and the systems engineer (they happen to live together, and meeting was at pm's apartment (super handy since I live super close)) and it was actually so helpful and they were like "this is so fun" like omg HOW IS THIS FUN THIS MATH ASSIGNMENT LITERALLY MADE ME CRY LAST NIGHT but now I actually have a much better understanding of everything and I am just so relieved- that's the stress relief. Tomorrow the only homework time I have is 2 hours between math and bio, and then I have to skip my chem lecture to get to the airport on time for my flight out to the CABIN where I will see my family again and also get to sleep in absolute silence (well, aside from the trains that go by across the lake sometimes) and also not have to wear real clothes. Pajamas all day, every day, hell yes. Also, video games. I CANNOT WAIT TO PLAY SIMS AGAIN AND STUFF AND ALSO JUST DANCE WOOOOO. And movies! And junk food, and board games, and walks and snow and I get to see Sadie and just SO EXCITED.

Also Grag was super sweet today, which he basically is every time I see him, and at the EPASS meeting I may or may not have accidentally called him my boyfriend (which the systems engineer then proceeded to bug me about, saying "Oh, no, you called him your boyfriend, that's adorable") (I should mention the systems engineer also said on my way out the door "Say hi to your sexy boyfriend for me!" and omfg just EPASS meetings are seriously the best I am not kidding). Up until this point I had just said "we're going out" which is partially because when I said "dating" my mother freaked out and was like "nonononono, you're not dating, keep your options open" (that is extremely paraphrased btw) and I was like mom I can only date one person at a time I can't "keep my options open" wtf.
Anyway we had a serious relationship discussion today (well for like three minutes) (it was beautiful I've never had a serious relationship discussion before) so maybe he is my boyfriend now. I don't know. Labels are confusing. WHATEVER. We haven't even held hands yet. How can he be my boyfriend if I haven't even held his hand?

Blugh. Whatever. I'm going to do something productive now.
It's been a good day. AND I HOPE YOU ALL HAD GOOD DAYS TOO because you sure as hell deserve it, every last one of you beautiful fairy snowflakes.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Can I just share some more cute with y'all tho

SO Grag (srsly new nickname HE NEEDS A NEW NICKNAME) does Karate a lot. Annnnnd yesterday he said apparently I have a standing invitation to the dojo (I really hope I'm spelling that right) just... to watch a class, I guess. He said, and I paraphrase: "Everyone's been all 'So, when are you gonna bring her here?' and I was like 'I... can... mention...it!'" DO YOU GUYS REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS
Also apparently even his sensei (I REALLY hope I'm spelling that right- I'm going off of all those years I spent playing Club Penguin here, you guys) knows, because he said that he would use Grag as target practice for the day (or something) if I showed up. So basically, I'd get to watch him get beat up. I was weirdly excited about that.

I AM JUST SO FLATTERED THAT HE TALKS ABOUT ME TO OTHER PEOPLE LIKE I AM JUST LIKE *skips along through a field of flowers holding a white wicker basket and singing "The Sound of Music"*

I mean obvi he is pretty adorbs in that way already: last Thursday I mentioned that I really like Dean Martin, and what did he say when I sat down by him outside the philosophy room yesterday? "I have Dean Martin songs stuck in my head."
Me: "Really? Why?"
Him: "I looked them up on the weekend."

Oh hey look it's 4:20. Hahahahaha 420.

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNYWAY I should probably get back to things like writing my novel (as of now I am about 4445 words behind due to two days of not writing. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE 10K BY THE END OF TODAY I ONLY HAVE 5555 *ugly sobbing*

At least Aaron isn't shaping out to be a total butt. That's one of my MCs, btw. Also I have two characters named Anna and I'm not sure exactly how that happened. My other MC is named Emma because I seriously couldn't think of a better name okay whatever.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, November 4, 2013

What are you talking about I'm doing stuff

I'm sorry.

I also made this GIF because this is basically what I have been watching for the last hour instead of doing my chem problem set:

You're welcome
This show may or may not have made a Star Trek reference at one point. I am not even kidding. It was beautiful.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 2, 2013

My essays are literally shit and my hair is greasy as fuck and my butt hurts from sitting

Every day I think, you need to get some exercise, you need to get up and go downstairs and run or something. But then I just sit around eating skittles all day. I did get a draft of my philosophy paper done, but it's absolute shit, and my English essay is turning into a bunch of BS. If I don't even believe that Raju is a con man trying desperately to find an identity, how am I supposed to argue that he is??? AUGH FUCK EVERYTHING


Ugh. UGH. I'm sure I can at least pass it, which means I will pass English, which means that I will not have to take more than one other introductory English course. As it is I have to take that next year, since next semester the artsiest course I have is Women's Studies. But it's too soon to think about next semester.

Maybe I just feel bad about eating so many skittles. SO MANY FUCKING SKITTLES. Ugh. I feel so gross. Plus I'm supposed to be writing a novel this month! I have started that, btw, but I'm still behind on that right now. I mean it's going, and I like my MCs and they're fun to write, but just... I don't know.


Please tell me other first years feel this way, too, that I'm not the only one who just sits around and does nothing. Everyone else is like "I like to go to the library to study" and "I studied for 4 hours" and "Yeah we hung out on the weekend" and "Yeah he's cute and he asked me out" AND THEN WE HAVE ME, WHO STAYS IN ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WEEKEND LONG (literally if it wasn't for Alberta-sat meetings and meals I wouldn't even leave this apartment, or probably my room), GETS ASKED OUT BY A GUY WHO IS SUPER NICE BUT NOT VERY CUTE (or ambitious, like srsly what are you doing with your life) (I will elaborate on this in a second), AND DOESN'T HAVE RIDICULOUS EXPECTATIONS OF GRADES.

Girl next to me outside bio class, talking to her friend: Yeah, I checked my mark, and it was 37/45, and I was like 'That's so bad!' but then I was like, well, this is university, it's going to be different.
Me: *checks mark*
Me: 38/45 is 84%
Me: That girl got 82% on her bio midterm

It has come to my attention that people think anything below 90 is super terrible and I do not understand this at all. I have always been of the mindset that if I got 80 or higher on something, I was doing just fine and did not need to worry. 70-80 was still acceptable, although it meant I wasn't doing well in that class. Anything below 70 is a reality I haven't had to face yet and hopefully never will, but then again, who knows. And I have kept this philosophy, although 70-80 is slightly more acceptable now than it used to be. Like fuck, 77% on my first chem term exam? Dude chem is fucking hard, I will take that mark and run with it. AND 92 ON MY MATH MIDTERM MEANS I SHOULD SING IN GLORIOUS JOY, HOW DID I GET 92 ON MY MATH MIDTERM???
Actually I think I got 92 on my high school calc midterm as well. That's suspicious...

Anyway, dinner. First I should probably make my hair look less-like-shit. THESE SKITTLES ARE PUNISHING ME I FEEL SO ILL UGH.

yer disgruntled pal,
swegan :S

P.S. oh right, the grag thing. See, he's a pretty great person, but just... I feel like if we were to get serious (that sounds so funny omg), I would need to know he's actually going to do something with his life. Right now he's not even working, and he has literally two classes, volunteering commitments a few nights a week, and martial arts classes. That's it. My grandparents asked last night if he was working part-time ("Surely he must be" were my grandmother's exact words) and when I said no they looked so like... confused. Like "well why the hell are you going out with him then" confused.
Just. I feel like I can't be with someone in a serious relationship if they can't even take life seriously, just a little bit.
*points finger at self* YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB EITHER no, but I do have five classes and two labs and Alberta-sat commitments, thank you very much. Those keep me busy enough. Besides, I am working my way towards an actual degree with my university classes.

I'm not going to say what he's doing is wrong or bad or something. Just, it's really not attractive to me. But that's just me and that doesn't mean he should change. It just means that I might find it a leetle bit hard to form a real relationship.