I understand the irony of this, but bear with me for a second.
Two weeks ago I cried in therapy finally admitting that I do, in fact, have a lifelong dream I want to pursue. Guess what it is? Anyone who has known me for a while will probably be unsurprised to hear- I want to be a writer. I want to be the person who gets to just sit at home in sweatpants and work on their book all day. I miss the creative process. I am so, so afraid of this, but it's been big to admit that it's what I want.
So, y'know. Being in a PhD program for cancer research seems like an odd place to have ended up. It's okay, because I'm also good at this and there is some genuine interest on my part, but it feels like the reason I got here was a combination of "smart kids do science" + "this is at least somewhat interesting" + "knowing this makes me feel smart, which feels good" + "I'm not terrible at this; in fact, I may actually have a bit of a knack for it." But none of those is "I feel a genuine passion for this" or "I like the style of work I have and the hours I'm able to keep" (well, maybe a little, but I do still wish I didn't have to go in at 6:30 AM due to booking issues- a classic catch-22 of people who are there at normal hours get first dibs on subsequent days of normal hours) or "I can see myself doing this for a long time" (the thought of that gives me a fair amount of anxiety). I think those are maybe important factors. Not to mention the more personal and subjective "I'd like to have a little more flexibility on where I can live" and "I like working at home infinitely more than I like having to be around people all the time."
So... what does this have to do with the blog? Maybe that's not necessary, since it's pretty obvious that a blog is about writing. But writing about what?
Well, since I've scaled back on my social media usage, I've found that there's actually a lot of creative energy in my brain. I've even opened a couple of documents on my computer solely for just writing out ideas and thoughts, including an entire course I outlined in my head (it's about teaching scientific writing and basic research, which I feel deserves its own course at this point). I started planning my story again. Turns out when you stop consuming endless fields of images and videos and other people's lives, you have more time and energy to create instead.
Here's the thing though: I'm scared.
Scared that if I pursue this, it will be a big failure.
Scared that I'll have a good idea, fail to protect it, and someone else will steal it and profit from it.
Scared of putting myself out there and being criticized, fairly or not (part of scaling back from social media included scaling back from comment arguments, which made me feel horrible and angry and on edge).
Scared I'll run out of ideas after like, two ideas.
Scared that I will have big dreams and expectations that will amount to nothing.
Scared that I won't like it after I try.
Scared of putting myself out there as a woman.
I know that all of these are just... not good enough reasons to not do it. I can think of counter arguments very quickly.
Scared of it being a big failure:
Then you will have accomplished just as much as you have now. Anything can fail, but that didn't stop you from going to school for your undergrad or graduate degree. It didn't stop you from doing a complicated extended essay topic in high school. It didn't stop you from auditioning for a performance swing dance team (which actually was something I failed at, incidentally). You'll never experience any success if you don't do anything.
Scared of idea-theft:
This seems unlikely, but you can protect yourself from this. Other people put themselves out there, why can't you? You are also likely to learn about this one way or the other in science at some point.
Scared of criticism:
That's life. You will have to learn to deal with it. It will be unfair sometimes. All you can do is try, there is literally no way to avoid this one, but not just with a blog.
Scared of running out of ideas:
I think every creative has this fear, but if your well of creativity is really that shallow, wouldn't you rather know? Then at least you can work on digging it deeper.
Scared of big expectations and dreams:
So keep your expectations managed. And let yourself feel what you feel. It's okay to be disappointed, frustrated, and upset. It's also okay if you don't feel those things. You've been going to therapy for too long now to let this hold you back.
Scared I won't like it:
Okay again, better to know this than to always wonder what if. Also- you can literally just quit whenever, this is just a side thing with no bearing on your wellbeing or current position.
Scared of the misogyny:
This one is, again, unavoidable at the moment. But you can be anonymous and have only people in your real life know who you are.
And yet... unsurprisingly, the fear is still there. That feeling is still real, even if all the reasons for feeling it don't stack up (it feels a little like those little grid visual illusions, where every time I look at a fear it disappears, but it feels like the others are still there until I turn my focus on them, and they disappear. The fear feels real even though I can't really "look" straight at it in my mind). That's something I am no longer surprised by- something I've been fortunate to learn in therapy and through exploring self help. Sometimes the feeling is just there anyway, demanding to be felt.
Well, you know what they say about courage!
