On Jealousy

My roommate from first year got into med school. I know about it because of facebook. And I am wildly, nonsensically jealous of her.

This doesn't make any sense, it's not like I've ever expressed a desire to get into med. It's not like I was trying at the same time she was and I didn't get it. It's not like anything. It doesn't make any sense. And the only reason I can think is that she is- and was- a Pretty Girl.

I think more than anything I still want to be one of them. I want to rewrite my past so I was tall and had boobs in the 8th grade, so I was athletic and popular and still smart, so I got all those awards for having the highest social studies grade and be a three or four star athlete. I want to change it so that I figured out makeup somehow and figured out clothes and came to my adult life looking like the girls who look put together every day.

There's not even an excuse for me anymore. I could do all those things, I know that. This isn't my old roommate's fault; she was always very hardworking and I'm sure that this was no exception. She deserves good things and I'm happy for her. She isn't a bad person. And I could be one of Those Girls too, if I wanted, I could let go of my inhibitions about everything in life and start wearing makeup and dressing myself nicely and fuck, I don't know, going out to drink?


I feel like maybe there's also a lot of pressure on me to want to go into med. My dad is a physician, and I'm doing lab work in a medical science lab, and I guess the other lab I was in was medical science too. I have good grades and a desire to help people and I'm interested in biology and health research. I still feel like I could do it... it I wanted to. Do I want to? I don't know. I do want to do a master's degree, or a Ph.D. I do want to work in science. I've considered a job outside of academia, in industry. I've considered programs to become a genetic counselor and a cytogenetic technologist. I don't really know what I want to do.

And med always looks so impressive- just like law or dentistry would too, I'd imagine. But med always seems to take the cake. Everyone has such high respect for doctors (rightfully so), everyone knows medical school is hard to get into and hard to complete and that a life of work as a doctor is challenging and demanding but also rewarding and part of that reward, I think, is being judged very positively in your community for your vocation. I can't lie and say none of that appeals to me. But I think I need to make a career choice based on the fact that I love the work I am doing and it feels important and rewarding to me. But it still feels like I'm always going to be ranked against my peers that went into med.

I have friends that want to get into med (and I have no doubt they will). Redbeard wants to get into med (and again, no doubt). These people are all smart and talented and hardworking- just like my first year roommate. Just like me, I hope. But I feel like no matter what I do, especially at this point in my life, it's never going to look as impressive. That people will judge them as smarter and more talented and harder working than me (and consequently all the other kids who don't do med or any professional program but instead do research or go into industry, or even teaching, which I guess counts as a professional program of sorts anyway). There's such prestige associated with getting into med, and that's what I want.

It feels stupid but it's human, and I know that. It's human to want to be praised and thought of as a good, smart kid- I want the things I do to reflect well on my parents, too, even though I know it's not my job to make them look good by having their offspring succeed. I know my dad would be happy that one of his kids followed in his footsteps. I know my parents would be able to help me since they're both involved in health careers.

I just... I think about medicine. I think about learning about the body and how it works, and that seems cool. I think about applying that to actual people, and... ick. I think about long days and charts and paperwork, and billings. I know my dad loves his job. I don't think I've ever heard of or met a doctor who didn't love theirs. I just don't know if it's for me and I feel like there's so much pressure on me to keep that option on the fence all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if arts degrees are appealing for that reason. Because maybe if I just got an English degree instead, everyone who knows what my dad does would shut up about asking me if I want to get into med. I know these people mean well, I'm not mad at them, they're certainly not trying to offend. But god, I'm so tired of getting asked and having to answer. They don't react one way or the other when I tell them maybe or just plain out "no, I don't think so." But I can never fully commit one way or the other and it feels like there is always some kind of silent pressure on me to swing towards yes, and I think it's because I'm in a field that's so close already. Do you know how many times in first year I heard biology majors say they wanted to go into med? It's like half the program here has their heart set on being doctors. It's insane.

I think the jealousy too is that like- the hardest part is over, and I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. In med, you have classmates and instructors who want you to stay in the program and will help you out. Once you finish, you can get a job anywhere you want, and it will pay well. You barely have to plan your life out anymore. And that- that- is what I think is most tempting. The security- not just financially, but like, in terms of thinking. I'm sitting here wondering, is it worthwhile to get my masters and then my PhD, or should I just get a PhD, but will that even be useful? Should I bother doing special training programs for biotech? I think I want to work in industry for a while because I like the idea of applying results more than just generating them, like in academia. But what if I take those courses and get in there and hate it? But in academia you have to be so much to the community, you have to teach and research and be involved... Like, if I was just in med, I could just say "all right, now I can just focus on the next two years of class. Then, I can just focus on the two years of"... fuck, is it residency? I don't know how med school works. Then the big decision is specializing, and getting through that training, and more residency, and then you have to start out and deal with hurdles like that but then you just... keep... working. And it feels like you get like built-in job security because we always need doctors. And if you're something special like a highly trained surgeon your job is high stress and high reward and you will always been in demand. Always. Whereas in industry... I'll be competing forever.



I've just had a really bad day, and everything sucks right now and I have one year of my degree left and I have NO IDEA what to do with my life. I know I should just concentrate on my classes and clubs and having a good final year and working hard and learning what I can from my research project. This year I was given opportunities to present which let me learn that I have some good presentation skills, even if they do need a little honing; with help, I was able to design really good, logical presentations and learned what should and shouldn't go into them and that you NEED TO MAKE GRAPH TEXT REALLY BIG and I actually had so much fun with that and felt so confident afterwards. I loved my research project. So maybe I am talented? Maybe? Maybe I'm good at writing too, even if that needs a little honing? I realized the other day when hearing that a program required 3 reference letters that I had at least 4 people I could ask who are all big fancy PhD people.

Maybe I'm doing something right after all??

I still wish lab jobs paid minimum wage, though.

-swegan

When everyone else is friends

This keeps happening to me, and I hate it.

This semester, in terms of Being Social, is so much better. The building is still mostly the party krew- I've heard them described as "cliquey" and honestly that about sums it up. They're still nice people and all, and I've had some nice one-on-one conversations with a few of them, but together, they're a group, and they don't need anyone else. I'm still not sure how anyone gets in that group beyond knowing someone in it from high school and liking to go out and party. Dance is great, I have been getting closer with most of the team, and especially with three of the girls (two of whom are very talkative, which makes it easy). Everyone in my lab course is so nice and chatty and we're all in the same boat, which leads to people trying to arrange schedules in lab. Plus having something in common with people, no matter how small, makes it much easier for me to talk to them. I'm really good at small talk now. AND I got invited to a little potluck tonight which was mostly people I've known and befriended in my past few years at the building, and it was actually way nicer than I thought to see everyone again. I even got some advice on apartment renting this summer.

But in each case, there's always been something someone said that lets me know that other people are way closer to each other than I am with most people. "Oh, it's way softer than that blanket I got you for last christmas!" or "If you weren't here every weekend I'd probably never clean my room" or just "oh man, remember last weekend?" "Oh yeah, someone else from dance texted me to let me know!" (while I have the numbers of two people). I know people aren't trying to exclude me, they're just trying to talk to their friends about shared memories. But it really bums me out,  because I realize I don't have a connection like that with any of the people involved, just when I finally start to feel like I'm getting good at this, this is normal! Oh, wait, no, other people have the numbers of everyone on the team. Oh wait, other people are good enough friends to buy people presents. Oh wait, other people have more history with each other. Oh wait, everyone else is more outgoing than me.

It really makes me cling to the friends I have who I have some kind of history or deeper connection with. Carina is one example, along with Redbeard, and many of my friends from home. And I know these people still like me, and probably do want to be friends with me, and I know I make that really hard. I swear to god I'm trying to put myself out there but I still feel like I'm just not good at it.

Obviously I can still make friends. I realize very much that never again in my life will I be so constantly surrounded by people my own age who are also growing and eager, grasping at every opportunity we see. I realize people still want to be friends with me and include me. I don't think everyone hates me, it just seems like everyone is becoming better friends with each other.

I wish I wasn't so quiet, so much of the time. It takes me so long to finally open up to people, though I think my average time is getting shorter. And I really do appreciate everyone who takes the time and effort to stick with me and get me to talk. But I also get that sometimes I just come off as quiet and awkward and that makes it difficult for other people to deal with me sometimes because talking to people who are quiet and awkward is no fun at all (there are still people more quiet and awkward than me and I find it so difficult to talk to them), and that just really blows.


I still just wish I knew how to be normal. I wish I had played sports in high school or something. I wish I didn't second guess everything. I don't want to be like everyone else, but... I want to be like everyone else, just with my own twist on it that doesn't involve anxiety. I don't want to be the one who worries too much. I don't want to be the quiet one who can't just make interesting conversation. I don't want to be the one who never knows what to text to people, ever, at all. It feels all at once like I'm doing too much second guessing of how everyone will react to me putting myself out there more, and that I just don't know how people act. I feel like some weird kind of outsider, an imposter who can put on the mask and fake the facade and be happy and smile but inside I'm worrying. They didn't do something like that with me. No one does. Do I really have good friends? Are we just casual buddies? Will they forget me as soon as they leave? Is our entire relationship just small talk?

It would be so nice if I could turn the worry off. Like, for good. Just be myself and try my best and be nice and see how everything worked out. But I can't. Lord knows I try, every single fucking day, to turn the worry off. Maybe I'm just too open about it. Maybe other people worry this much too but they don't say anything about it because it's taboo to say? I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I was more normal than this.

yer pal,
swegan

Disappear

So, on the weekends I get really lazy about eating. Also about leaving my room, showering, and putting clothes on. Unless I'm expecting to see people, it doesn't really matter, and I mean, I guess most of that is fine, except for the eating thing.

And it's not even that I'm intentionally not eating, I just get distracted by other things and then think "shit I should do homework" and only when my stomach is like "swegan, food" am I like "oh shit right" and head into the kitchen to make a bowl of oatmeal and today that is what happened but then I went down for dinner. I ate a good amount, wanted to eat more, and suddenly I just felt ill. Like, if I took another bite, I was going to gag. Which usually happens when the texture of food is off, but this was beef stew, and it was really fucking good, and I wanted to eat more but at the same time my brain was just not having any of it. So I ate what was left of my rice, debated dessert before hearing my parents' voices in my head saying "If you're hungry enough for dessert, you're hungry enough to keep eating" and realized I didn't want dessert either because the thought of eating any food at all just made me feel nauseous. So I quit and came back upstairs.

But like,the sick thing is, I know I don't eat a lot, but there's still some fucked up logic in my brain of "this keeps you skinny." Like, whenever I see a body positivity thing, I'm like hell yeah good for you and see all these women loving their bodies, whether they are fat or chubby or whatever, and I am proud of them and happy for them but still on some level, glad I am not them, and afraid of becoming them. Which is really, really unfair to everybody, those women and myself.

It's almost like... I'm happy about body positivity, but glad it doesn't have to apply to me? Like oh thank god I don't have to struggle. But then there's a little voice in the back of my head saying yeah, but if you eat a certain way, you might. People might make mean comments about you in public or look at you in a judgy way if you dare to do something as shocking as eat in public. And don't forget the criticism about how you let yourself go. You were so skinny once. What happened?

It's this paranoia, this fear, that's always at the back of my mind. I worry sometimes it drives more of my decisions than it should. And I buy candy a lot (not recently since I've been so busy), but whenever I do I have to tell myself so much that it's ok, and I still feel guilty about it. Like, first of all, this isn't healthy for you, second of all, it's going to lead to this condition you are afraid of. For no good reason. It's not like if I wasn't this skinny I'd be any less smart or kind or loved or capable, but I'm still afraid of it.

And it makes me so jealous of boys. Do they even get this shit? Maybe now they do, I don't know, but when I'm around boys and men they just seem to... eat. And like, not make comments about what they're eating. I watch the girls in my building and notice how they often comment on their food, or their general eating habits, even when they generally like to eat a bunch of food. The girls are all aware of how they interact with food: how much they eat, when they tend to want to eat, whether they're always hungry or always full. Boys don't comment on that nearly as much as the girls do. And I feel like some part of that is just because they're not really aware, they don't really think about it too much.

And then even with my boyfriend, we have a class together around lunch three times a week, and his lunches look good but I know there's no nutritional value in a lot of them and so even though I want to make myself lunches like that, I can't let myself. And he always just says "food is important" and eats and I'm left there trying to make myself feel not-guilty because hey, there's vegetables in my soup, and those are good for you.

I know some of this must be from getting raised by a mother who was once a dietitian, but it's hard to draw the line between where I'm concerned about the nutritional requirements of my diet and where I'm just concerned about how much food there is at all. Like there shouldn't be guilt associated with eating, should there? I've never wanted to be one of those women who says "oh, I'm so naughty, I had a whole piece of cake at lunch!" or who just orders a salad with dressing on the side or who won't order dessert unless someone splits it with her or who will refuse cake at a party or who says things like "I've been so good today that I deserve to eat this cookie/bag of chips/piece of cake/other kind of junk food" but like that attitude is so tempting when it is surrounded in the language of "oh, but it's about health- I still eat, I just eat healthy" except now the guilt is about making unhealthy choices rather than just making choices. Which I guess is better because it means people are eating, but... it still sounds so fucked up that people should feel guilty for eating something. And then that last comment gets into vegetarianism/veganism which is not the issue here.

All I know is that I wish I could just exist without devoting so much brainpower to worrying about what goes in my body. I mean, maybe there is an advantage to that- I will feel better if I try to eat better- but I wish you could have that mindset without the guilt. And I wish I wasn't so afraid of becoming fat, even a little bit.

Which is the most fucked up thing of all, because on these weekends when I don't eat, some part of me says that's better, because it's better for me to lose weight than to gain it. Like that me losing any weight at all is a good thing because it's always better to be smaller, if possible. Like how little I eat is something I get to brag about, how small I am is something that is just how life works for me, aren't I so lucky. It's better for me to be tiny, tinier than I am now, than it is for me to dare get any bigger. And that is the part that worries me. I don't even really know what a healthy weight is anymore. Does my BMI even matter? How is it that at the size I'm at, my BMI is closer to overweight than it is to underweight? Why am I so hyperaware of this? Why do I care?

I don't really have any answers. I just know that I have to keep eating to live and function properly. So I will, and I'll try not to beat myself up about it. And try to work through all my fears that are so unfair, but that I don't really think are my fault.

yer pal,
swegan

Strict

I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the ideal child, I hit it pretty close.

I know how vain that sounds, I get it. But I'm starting to think there's a great deal of evidence for it. When my parents made rules, I obeyed them, no matter how much my friends insisted it was unfair or wrong. There may have been times when I was tempted to rebel, in simple, tiny ways, but I never did. I was always too afraid.

Hearing the stories of other kids who grew up with strict parents is always interesting. Most of them are online, a few are real life, and all of them make me think that my parents weren't nearly that bad. I was allowed to have friends over if I wanted. When I got a car (and hey,  I got a car), I was allowed to go places as long as I told my parents where I'd be going, who would be there, and when I'd be back, and gave them the address of where it was. Which I guess seems reasonable. I know they were just worried. It wasn't like they never allowed me to go out. Freckles and I got bothered about practicing piano a bunch, but we were never forced to practice, though my mom tried several reward techniques. After a certain age, we were allowed to monitor our own junk food intake- not that there was much in the house to begin with. We were allowed to have friends over and sleepovers and eventually, to walk to the corner store alone. When I became a teenager, my mom finally let me ride my bike further than just up and down the street in front of the house. When I graduated, my mom let me go to a grad party at the last minute, despite the fact that a month earlier she and my dad had barely let me out for a different one. I got a cell phone in high school. I had a very decent allowance. We were allowed to hang out at the mall unsupervised with friends. As I got older, they got much more lenient.

But then I think about how I'm so scared of life now. Being here, being away from home, has helped so much; I'm not afraid to get on the bus for an hour to go get my skates sharpened (that was a bad choice of location on my part). I'm not afraid to just walk down my own street and window shop. I'm not afraid to be out when I please. But I'm still afraid. More so of big adult things, like getting a credit card on my own, or spending large amounts of money, or making my own travel plans, but still.

I'm not really sure if that comes from me or my parents. On the one hand, big adult things are scary for a lot of people, even those who had really lenient parents. Some people just don't like to go out and explore much, that's just how they are. On the other hand, I do know people who just... for them, trying new things or giving themselves permission to do something they love or even just find something they love- it's easier for them. I can tell.

I just wonder- because there were so many things I wasn't allowed to do because my parents were concerned, am I forever destined to be the annoying person who worries about everything? "Let's go out drinking! Swegan, do you want to come?" Sure, but I don't want to drink, and how are you guys getting home? Does anyone need a ride? Okay, but no puking in my car. Where is this place? Are you sure that part of town is safe? "Just order something new, like I'm ordering this drink and I've never had it before." Yeah, but what if I hate it? Then I've spent money on something I don't even like. And it's wasted on me. It just goes down the drain, or in the trash. "In order to participate in this, you're gonna need to have [things I do not currently own]." Okay, but I don't really know if I like this yet. Am I sure I want to buy all this stuff? What if I hate it? Then I've wasted a bunch of money and now I have crap I don't need and will never use taking up space. "So just sell it online." How? Don't you have to make an account somewhere? How do I meet up with people? How do I decide on a price? What if they're creepy? It's better just to not bother, then I don't have to worry at all. "Just get a credit card." Okay, but I look really young and naive. How am I supposed to know if the bank is pulling a fast one over me? How do I know if I'm getting a shitty deal that will end up costing me money? And how do I pay that off? Isn't it time consuming? I'd have to go to the bank... I'll just do it later. "Skating hours are Sunday from 3-4:45." Okay, but those hours are prime homework time for me. I really want to skate, but... school's gotta come first. I'll see how it looks next Sunday... ooh, but wait, I won't be here. Well, maybe the Sunday after? (Then I consequently forget). "Come hang out." But I have all this stuff I want to get done so I'm not up working until 11. I need to get enough sleep. If I don't, I get dizzy and grumpy and it's no fun at all. Plus I want to make sure I study adequately for this exam. I have to get these things done. I have to get SOMETHING done, I haven't done anything all day.

Do you see what I mean? I never let myself do anything. And it sounds a bit like my worries are overwhelming the way I've phrased it, but they're really not. This is just how I think. This is how I operate. Unless I can completely justify doing something 100%, unless I'm completely (or reasonably) sure it's a good idea, unless I'm totally convinced there's really no chance of it messing my life up or ME messing my life up, I just won't do it. And sometimes it doesn't really matter, like when I order my favourite thing at a restaurant all the time, but other times it does, like when I can't get a credit card and thus still haven't built up any credit at all.

Sometimes I think it helps to think of all the things I just do now that my parents are none the wiser about. They don't know my study habits, or my eating habits. They don't know that sometimes I leave my building at 10:30 and walk down the dark alley to Safeway. They don't know that sometimes I go for walks in the river valley and get lost. They don't know that I rode the bus into the north end of town for an hour, maybe into a questionable area, just to get my skates sharpened. They... well, okay, they know I took the bus home from the airport instead of just calling a cab. I just... I know these are stupid, tiny little things. I do. But to be able to live my life, at least in part, like it's really mine, like I get to decide how I spend my time, is incredibly freeing. Which is what makes me think my upbringing was "strict" in any way at all.

I know I'm still a stick in the mud, despite the fact that I know people don't hate me. People like me, but they also find me amusing. I worry about everything. Constantly. I can't stop it. I don't really want to. I didn't spend my teenage years running about, doing what I wanted to. I spent a lot of them at home, in my room, doing homework (there's the other thing- I was and remain a very boringly good student. In science, no less).

This may explain why I found it so wonderful when I was finally allowed to drive myself to school, even though I was still late. For some reason, being late when it was my fault didn't give me nearly as much anxiety as when I was late and exactly who was at fault was less clear. Because driving myself to school allowed me, in some small way, to control my own life. Not to mention I got home a hell of a lot earlier, and my parents didn't have to deal with having to come pick me up.

I'm still not good at this. I think maybe it's just that a lot of other people I know had to grow up much sooner than I did. I was given the luxury of remaining a child when I was still a child. Now I have to grow up, and when it seems like everyone around me is just unafraid to do simple things because they want to do them, I feel very, very lame. Sometimes it feels like I'll never catch up, like I'll forever be a step behind my friends as we progress into our adult lives. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only so intensely self-aware of this because I'm growing up now, rather than at 11 or 13 or 16.

The other thing that I know to be true is that one day I won't have my parents to lean upon. I won't have them around to tell me what to do, even when I want them to tell me. I've gotta have my shit figured out by then if I have any hope of coping.

As for my parents being strict... the issue is best summarized by explaining the facebook rule: I wasn't allowed to make an account until they said so. This is a weird rule; it's pretty hard to enforce (and was considering neither of my parents were on facebook at the time) or police, and yet I never even thought about going against it. And I didn't. Perhaps this says something about my parents' ability to trust me (and I am glad now that I wasn't permitted access to something that permanent when I was 13, oh my god), but I also think it says a lot about me. Or the time my parents forced me to write all my grade 10 exams, even though I was exempt due to my grades (they argued that there weren't going to be exemptions later and I should learn how to study now). Everyone (including my teachers) thought that was insanely unfair, and asked why I didn't just... not do it. And I could have, too; my mom never followed me into the school when she dropped me off. I could have just sat in the hallways or a bathroom for a long enough time that it would make it seem like I had finished the test, and called them to pick me up, and lied through my teeth. "How was the exam?" "Fine." But no, I went and wrote them all anyway.

Long story short: I don't have an ounce of rebellion in me, at least not when it comes to my parents, and I still don't know if that's because of me or them.

yer pal,
swegan

Competition

A long time ago, an aunt of mine shared an article on facebook. I don't remember exactly what the title was, but I do remember that the jist of the article was about "don't do so much! Slow down and enjoy life!" I remember feeling incredibly bitter about that. How in the fuck, I thought, am I supposed to slow down and yet compete with everyone my age for the same scholarships and jobs??

Of course, the article's intended audience was obviously people around my aunt's age: people who have already done any post-secondary they might intend to do, people who are no longer young, people who have had kids and gotten married and worked for quite a while. You know, like, real adults. People with established careers and nice houses and cars, shit like that. I am not one of those people, obviously.

A lot of my insecurity about the stuff in the last post revolves around this. I'm happy not doing a lot, for the most part. I feel like I ought to be more well-rounded, but a lot of the worry there comes from the fact that I'm painfully aware of how well other people my own age are doing. This, coupled with the fact that I've always felt like I'm in the bottom of the top of the heap, gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I've never had a leadership position in my life. I'm not one of those kids who gets Really Good Holy Shit Amazing grades (and I get pissed whenever a character in a book that is depicted as Smart has a 4.0, because I know literally nobody with a 4.0 (or if they have one, they're not telling me)), I'm just one of those kids who gets Grades That Are Good. Like, my GPA isn't bad, but I'm always so aware of the fact that it could be better by it being LITERALLY 0.1 BELOW WHAT I'D NEED TO GET ON THE HONOR ROLL (I am so mad about this, in case you couldn't tell). I have some volunteer experience, but I'm always aware of the fact that I could have more (and the bulk of mine is from high school, anyway).

The other issue is that I tend to befriend people and like people who, at least in my eyes, can successfully do this- volunteer in things, get actually really good grades, maintain a group of friends. Win scholarships. That sort of shit. Some of them excel in certain categories more than others, but that's just the thing: they excel. I've never really felt like I excelled at anything. The only time I remember being the best was in 7th grade when the unofficial class appointed #1 smart kid left for four months, and I, as the unofficial class appointed #2 smart kid, became #1 for a brief and glorious period of time. I was never the best at piano. I was never the best at dance. I was never the best at writing (though, I suppose, I was the most prolific of anyone I knew for quite some time).

I still feel that way, that I'm this weird kind of Good Mediocre, that I'm doing okay, but I could still be doing better. And I feel that I can't just sit there, complacent, and accept that I'll probably get somewhere being Good Mediocre, because I feel like- and this is compounded by the fact that I attend a large university- there are literally hundreds of thousands of my peers who are competing for the same stuff I am. I know that's not quite accurate; my university isn't that big, nor is my faculty (though it is the biggest), nor is my specialty, nor is the group of people interested in my field of interest (medical research, at the moment). But there are still other kids out there, and they are studying harder and volunteering more and winning more awards than I am, and they are always out there.

I know I should strive to do better, all that, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm already doing as much as I can reasonably expect of myself, and other times I look at the amount of effort other kids put into assignments I decided were not worth that much stress, and I think there's your problem. While other kids are doing shit like going to the prof and the TAs and spending hours working over some god-awful what-the-fuck-is-this genetics problem set, I said "this is worth 5% of my grade and my biochem midterm next week is worth 40%" (and yet I still did not study hard enough for that biochem midterm) and consequently put in about 8 times less effort into the problem set. Unless those kids are lying (which, if you are, literally go fuck yourselves I hate you), it feels like I'm not doing enough. Constantly. Which is annoying, because I know how to fix some of those problems, but not all of them, and all of it stresses me out probably more than the aspect of getting a degree and having to venture off into the real world.

Then, I think, there are still heaps of students who say things like "I don't feel like going to class today, let's go get lattes" or who sit in class and look at tumblr and facebook and youtube instead of paying attention. I am definitely doing better than those kids: I save my tumblr and facebook and youtube for when I'm at home and supposed to be reading some stupidly boring chapter in my chemistry textbook (guess what, I barely did any of the reading for all 4 chem courses, and I've passed them all with varying kinds of Bs), or for after the hour of 8 (or 9, or even 10, depending on the point of the semester) when I know I'm not productive anymore and can't get anything done. But I don't really care about those kids. They're not even good competition.

And in that, I think- maybe those kids who are trying that hard are good to have around, because they make me try harder. Wouldn't I just get lazy if I knew I was already at the top? Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm not the best- certainly not at everything, maybe not at anything right now. I'm still good enough to get a few awards, I still push myself enough to participate in a few things outside of class, I still have a pretty decent social circle. And maybe, because it's August and this is probably one of the last summers of my life during which I get to be this lazy, I should go and watch TV with my sister.

yer pal,
swegan

It's late and I don't know what I'm doing

All of this is weird to navigate.

I told Ptarckas we could still be friends, and I want that to be a reality, but somehow I don't know if that's even possible. I trusted him with a lot of stuff, and I'm wondering now if that was a bit naive. Not because I think he'll betray my trust, but just... I don't know.

I think the thing is that trusting other people feels false now. Like oh, hey, you know this bond we're developing, this relationship, this feeling that's growing between us? I've felt this with someone else. Someone else has meant this to me. I've said this to people before, and I've meant it. I've told other people this story. There is still an interesting element of Oh, so this is what that's like, but I feel really phony about it.

Which is ridiculous. People get involved in multiple relationships all the time! People date varying numbers of people! Some people don't date much because they think carefully about what they want and what they can offer, and other people, like me, apparently have to learn that from experience. I know now that I want something serious. I want someone who wants something serious. I want to be romanced- I want someone to just get me some fucking flowers and I don't want to have to ask for them. I want someone to take me out on fun dates sometimes- not just always sitting at home (which, don't get me wrong, is also nice, especially after a long week of classes, particularly ones with midterms). I want someone to feel crazy about me, tell me stupidly sweet things, feel the same way I feel about them. I want someone who doesn't need to fully understand what's happening, but embraces it anyway. I want someone who wants me back, just the way I want them.

I also want someone who doesn't like to go away for long lengths of time, particularly long lengths of time where I can't contact them, and I want someone who doesn't have stupid, life-threatening hobbies. So not everything is perfect- although I seem to have found someone who can give me everything I asked for up there in that last paragraph.

I just keep comparing backwards. I keep saying god, I really hated that one thing or man, I really can't date somebody who does this or Wow, I really need that out of a relationship, I'm glad I know that now. But I know I can't keep looking back forever, and yet I feel I need to be allowed to--for at least a little longer--because things have happened very fast.

I just can't help but feel like to someone out there this must look like Oh, there she goes, already on to the next boy and it does bother me that some of this feels the same as my last relationship. It's different, but some parts are the same, and that makes me feel totally ... like I'm not being genuine. It also makes me worry that this one won't work out either.

I know these thoughts are silly. I know that, because of who I am, some element of any relationship I get into is always going to be the same. And that's not because I don't recognize the ... I don't know. I don't really know what I'm getting at. I just don't want to feel- I don't want him to feel- like he's just another boy. Like he's just some passing fad. I don't want to treat people like passing fads. And yet I feel that, by feeling in any way similar to how I felt about the last boy, I am doing just that. This is a different person, ergo you must treat them completely differently is the fucked up logic swirling around my head. And I know, I know it is stupid. Trust me.

I mean... it is different, it is going to be different, because he is a different person, after all. But I'm still the same person. Not entirely, obviously, but... mostly. So it's reasonable to expect me to do some of the same things, right? Like the sweetie thing? God, I just...

I think maybe it's just wanting to give something unique of myself. Wanting them to have something special and personal, just for them, some part of me, some version of me. I don't think that's totally stupid. But I think there's only really one version of me, and that might be the version I give to people. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that different people are special, right? Unique? Each their own person?

It's probably just a result of this happening so fast. I went from one person to the next faster than I thought I would be comfortable with. I keep underestimating how comfortable I'll be with things. I keep thinking it will take me so long to adjust. And I keep being wrong. I don't know how these feelings snuck up on me so fast and so strong, and I feel awful about it still. Isn't something wrong with me? I just broke up with someone! Two months ago, not even! And now I'm saying these things to someone else? What's wrong with me?

Is it possible my last relationship had begun to fall apart as this one started to begin, without my knowing it? Is it possible that that comment that made it clear there was no future was when I started to pull away? And someone else was there to ... to what, distract me? Make me wonder about what it might be like with someone different? Make me aware of the fact that I didn't have to stay in a relationship I wasn't sure about?


I think maybe I'm too loyal. I stick around, not wanting to hurt people, when really I should be taking care of myself. This isn't the first time I've done this, and I think I handled it better the second time around, but... still. I have to look out for myself. I've only got one life, and once I realize I'm doing something I don't really want to be doing, and that feeling sticks, I think I need more courage to act. But perhaps one day my loyalty will come in handy, too, when I do want to make a more serious commitment. And then it will be good. For now, I need to be realistic.

Speaking of realistic, it's 1:36 AM and I have work in the morning. So, I should probably end this here.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Well, today was infinitely better

I swear to god, one of these days I will find a way to keep nail polish from chipping after having it for like 4 hours. Freckles paints on gorgeous and garish pink sparkles for me, I take a shower (and like half my fucking hair comes out) and now it's chipping. What the fuck. Why.

Today was more balanced. I think maybe I got everything out of my system yesterday. Did a lot less stuff today, but that's ok. That was the whole point of this weekend, to get away, to relax, to potentially solve my boy problems. Have I solved them? Noooo. I'm starting to wonder if there is a good solution.

I can't let go of Ptarckas. I can't. On some level, I feel like there would be a logic to it, but I can't let go. I'm too attached to him. I miss him now, after not talking to him (or anyone else outside of this cabin) for a whole weekend. Powerfully. The thing I notice is that I don't miss this other guy. At least not in the same way. Because while I have memories of being with Ptarckas, I don't have that with the other guy (not that I haven't thought about it, obviously).

I'm just so worried I'm going to regret whatever decision I make down the road, that if I let him go, I'll regret it because not having someone to snuggle with will be the thing that destroys me while everything else is fine, but on the other hand, if I hang on, it could go nowhere, I could leave him when I leave my undergrad and then have all that change happening at once.

I will talk to him about this again, even though it's the same damn stuff all the time. Our conversations just go in circles now. We care, but will it work? Can we last? God, this sounds so weepy and dramatic, like I'm... well, 19. Maybe I'm supposed to get all weepy and dramatic about relationships. Maybe that's ok. Maybe it doesn't fucking matter and what the hell is wrong with me being a weepy, dramatic child? Why does it matter? This is my hurt, I'll react to it how I like, and if you're going to make fun of me for it, leave.

But it has been a good weekend. Freckles and I have been planning adventures, and Fex and I planned a little one for next week. I got away from life. I got through more of my Europe book, which, while interesting, gets a little dry after a while. European history is kind of fun to read. It's kind of like reading really summed-up tales of kings, and princes, and the glory of nationalistic and liberal revolutions, but it's real, it really happened. I'm king of already familiar with this particular bit of history anyway, so that helps, I'm sure. I think European history might be one of my Things, like writing (if these blog posts count then I'm back, bitches), or social justice, or ... I can't think of any more things. Dancing, maybe, insofar as I enjoy it and have been known to have wicked dance parties when my roommates go out of town.

Tomorrow we go home, which is very Not OK since this is literally my favourite place on earth (it trumps even my love for beautiful Ireland), but... ehh. I will talk to Ptarckas again, which makes me happy.

yer pal,
swegan

How to Be a Person

I'm starting to see people as mashups of things they enjoy, know. Various hobbies, things they like learning about, people they're fans of, what they spend their time doing. Which is probably why I find all my friends so cool and awesome, because they come with a wide range of varying activities and interests and I think that means I've got a good group of friends. Some of those interests I share, some I don't, as would be expected.

Which raises the question of why I find describing my interests and activities so hard. I got asked that earlier this year, "what do you do for fun?" and the question has stuck with me longer than I think it was intended to. I didn't have a good answer. At one point I would have said writing, but I don't know that that's true anymore. I'm trying to make it true. I could say reading, except that I don't do much of that when I'm in the midst of the semester. What do I do for fun?

To be honest, I am the kind of person who needs a lot of down time. I think I'm pretty introverted (though I will almost always say yes to an invitation to hang out, because being with friends is always a good time- always), but more so than that, I think I just... I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up from my family? We never really do exciting stuff- going to classical music concerts is about as exciting as it gets. We all like to recharge and relax by doing things like watching TV, or sitting around reading and eating. We're very, very lazy. So when I went off to university, I'd go to class, come home, do some work, and then stop around 8 or 9, and then for the next three hours, I'd just browse the internet. Facebook. Tumblr. Netflix. The usual. And on the weekends? I'd waste time on the internet until 1 PM, do homework haphazardly until 8 or 9... and then spend more time on the internet.

I'm not very adventurous, either. Whether it's going on an actual adventure, or just going to a bar, I'm always afraid of what might go wrong. There is also the aspect of me not wanting to spend money on something unless I feel like it's worth it. This has led to a lot of internal crises when debating whether or not to buy food, but also when debating whether or not to get A Thing that is for An Activity. If I don't already do that Activity, how can I justify spending money on the Thing? What if I hate the Activity? I'll just find another way. And then I never do.

I suppose one way to fix this is to ask what I want to do. What do I want to do? I want to see my friends more. I want to go to the library more. I want to bike more. I want to read more. I want to go on a trip- nothing big, just a day thing, possibly a couple of days- with friends. I've never actually done that without my parents before, because I am the biggest dweeb in existence. I want to be the kind of person who goes out and does stuff, who goes for walks in the trees to calm down. I want to volunteer more. I wanna go to more things, like plays, and shows, and concerts. I want to learn how to do things like cook and put on makeup and dance (not all the same time, obviously). I have random dreams of doing some kind of canoe trip through the wilderness and doing a road trip across Canada and down the Oregon coast, possibly to California.

And I know it's ok to get stuck in the semester for a little while, to get stuck in work for a little while. To just come home and do lazy things and get myself through it. Despite how boring that sounds, I like school. I really do. I have for a long time. I like that I finally found a degree I want to get. I like that I might get to do an independent study. I like all of it. I like the school, my building, the people, the city (despite how little I've seen of it).

I think maybe the issue is something like I'm still stuck feeling like I'm a kid, or like I'm 15, or whatever. Like I can't leave my house without getting a ride and I can't try all the crazy insane things I wanted to try as a kid. Like I can't try something I think might be interesting because my parents are with me and for some reason that is prohibitive. I think I need to learn how to live, maybe. Something like that.

This year was slightly better. Went to a couple of plays, a ballet, a folk music festival. Spent a couple of evenings cooking/baking with Carina. Went for more walks. Went out on the street I live on (it's got lots of little boutiques and stores and stuff) more often. Took a partner dancing class. I think that's improvement from first year, where the most adventurous thing I did was go to a bar for the first time.

It's weird to think that I have two years of university experience now. I'm not sure how that happened. I intend to make more of the last two, especially now that I'm familiar with the campus, have some friends, am pursuing a degree that I want to pursue, and am getting used to the "my parents aren't here to tell me not to do something" thing, which is honestly pretty fucking great.


Well, I don't really know what to do about next year except to say that I should attend more of the science guest speaker stuff at the uni... also the feminist guest speaker stuff, since I didn't get to go to ANY of it this year because it was ALWAYS AT THE SAME TIME AS MY GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGY CLASS. And see more plays put on by the uni. And try and go for more walks, and cook more food, and take more dance classes, and find fucking SOME kind of volunteer commitment in which to put my efforts that does not make me feel as guilty as EPASS does. Also, go to a party, because I've done that literally once, and it was a grad party, and I spent at least 15% of it ogling the stereotypical hot guy in school, who was wearing full-body spandex and pulling it off pretty fucking well, might I add (I realized at grad when he said he wanted to become a dentist that he just looked like a dentist and for some reason that was the end of my being attracted to him). Well, ok, that's a lie. My building has had some parties at which I totally killed it with my dance moves. Also I went to a club one time for like half an hour.

The experiences I remember best from this past year are the ones that are different. Something as stupid as sitting somewhere different in ochem, to cooking with Carina, to the time I went on like an hour and a half walk around campus, to the time I got to see The Nutcracker for the first time (and consequently found why Tchaikovsky hated it: the music is beautiful, but the plot is terrible). I think that says something.

ANYWAY. This is long enough, and I have laundry to do.

yer pal,
swegan

On Eating

Apparently I've gone back to the weight I was at when I finished my first year of university. Somebody even mentioned to me the other day that it looked like I'd lost weight since Christmas, which made me a little conflicted. Typically, that should be a comment that people are happy to hear, because losing weight is framed as Always a Good Thing. I was slightly glad, because it meant that my plan to stop gaining weight worked (obviously), but then I found myself feeling like I was too small.

Then I realized how stupid the whole thing was. How much of my mental energy is spent worrying about how much I eat and how much I've walked and whether or not my jeans still fit the same way? Christ, I downloaded a calorie counting app at one point this year (which was interesting in that I learned how many calories I generally ate in a day and that sort of stuff), but like... using that app was exhausting. I stopped a while ago and do not regret it. Not to mention the forums were full of people who were like "I EAT ONLY LEAN CHICKEN AND BROCCOLI AND BROWN RICE FOR DINNER AND GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY" and that was so not the kind of person I wanted to be.

I just miss being a kid, but I can remember even then thinking about this kind of shit. I had a few friends who were always concerned about their weight, and I can remember girls talking about diets and skipping breakfast as early as the 6th grade. I remember feeling glad that I didn't have to worry about any of that, because I was a tiny little twig of a girl who ate and ate but never seemed to get any bigger. Until I did, and thank god for that, because I would not want to be that tiny again.

Of course, growing up in my house has always been interesting re: eating. My mom was a nutritionist at one point, and I remember not having dessert like ever as a kid. I also remember a lot of whole grain everything and regular mealtimes, which have since gone the way of the dinosaur in this house. I don't even know what happened. There's almost always junk food around now, and I don't even know what's happening for dinner tonight. So far I've eaten half a bag of $1 chips from Bulk Barn that I bought on Friday. Nobody has called me for dinner or anything... I think my parents are both just tired and knowing they have work tomorrow makes them more tired. I think this is where my horrible eating habits in university come from. There have been weekend days when I don't eat until dinner just out of sheer laziness, and by the time dinner rolls around, I'm lightheaded and going "Oh, god, never again, you need to eat food, swegan, oh my god" but it still continues happening. It got to the point where I bought instant oatmeal because that was the lowest-effort food I could think of to keep around that was also sort of healthy.

My mom, of course, has had an interesting impact on this, from her comments about me (none of which I can forget, of course), to her comments about herself (which are far more common and make me really sad). I feel like my mom is really insecure, and I'm trying not to pick that up, while also trying to find ways to reassure her that she is fine, and that no one cares (she was worried that my unshaven legs would scare boys away (and also people in general I think) but to date, the only people who even seem to care are her and this girl in high school I didn't really like anyway), but I know that I'm probably not going to change her mind.

This year, though, I just started thinking about the whole concept of taking up space. Like I realize that I don't take up very much, and sometimes that does bother me. I already look like such a child, and being tiny makes me feel like people don't take me as seriously or something. Like, I'm not as formidable, I don't know. I was just looking around and wondering what it would be like to be male and take up space in that way. To be tall, and have MAN SHOULDERS and big feet and stuff like that. I think in general men get socialized to take up more space, while women get socialized to take up less, so that might have something to do with it.

anyway. I got distracted and now any other thoughts I had on the matter are gone.

yer pal,
swegan

This was supposed to be about struggle but it's just a mess of midnight thoughts

Earlier this year, I told a friend that Michael Buble's "I've got it easy" was the song that described my life, and I don't think I was entirely wrong. Anyone who knows me knows that my life is a fucking cakewalk. I mean, sure, I get to have problems like anyone else, but they're always so much easier to deal with. And I am grateful for that, really. I don't think it would be fair not to be. I know I've been given a lot of opportunity in life, and I feel very lucky because of that, and kind of view it as my duty to do well and work hard so that, should I ever have kids, I can do the same for them (which is what my parents have told me is their goal on several occasions).

The funny thing is, I feel like people get admired for having to struggle. Well, ok, maybe not that, but for dealing with those struggles in an admirable way. I've never had to struggle for anything before (apparently not even to pass ochem, which makes me feel weirdly guilty because I know people who worked their butts off studying for that who deserved a much better mark than what they got, and definitely better than what I got), so I don't get admired for that.

And I admire people for this, too. Just, people who work hard in general. I mean it when I say that I find literally all of my friends inspirational in some way, because they are all so amazing. Some of them have been lucky like me, they come from a family with some money and they don't have to work as much. Some of my friends work full time and get degrees. I am amazed by all of them. Which is how I think I pick good friends, because they make me feel like I ought to do more, be more, try harder. I know the whole point of good friends is that they make you feel good about yourself, too, and that's my point- my friends don't make me feel bad about myself, but they do make me feel like I could do more. Not even just with volunteering or working, too, but with trying to be a better listener, or trying to be more generous, or trying new things, or keeping my mind open.

I think it's probably good to be proud of one's friends. It makes sense. And I am proud of them. They're all doing different things, yeah, and that's great, and each of them has a bunch of qualities that make me like them. I dunno, you guys, I'm just getting all mushy now, like I do all the fucking time.

I don't even know why the writing in this post is so weird. Probably because I picked up a couple of cheesy christmas romance novels (MY WEAKNESS!) (no actually) at the used bookstore with Vince the other day and the writing in them is... not bad, but just like... generic. They're like, drugstore novels. And I'm not knocking them, since obviously I have a weird thing for them, but still. I suppose generic writing has its place. And I mean, more books is never a bad thing. Plus, if there's anything I've learned from my friends who I clearly love so much, it's that it's ok to like weird shit. Like the shit you like! As long as you're not hurting anyone, your friends probably won't care. Although lately it seems that I just tend to like the underdogs of things: skim milk, Poland, Hawkeye, WWI.... nobody appreciates them enough, so I take it upon myself to do so, because they are awesome.

I don't even know where the writing is in this post anymore. I just like all my friends because they make me want to do better and because they love me as I am (yet are not afraid to be like "swegan no that is not a good thing to do").

Anyway, if I can't struggle, I can at least continue my quest to be one of those genuine warm-hearted people like those girls in high school that everybody just likes. Not really sure why that's become one of my missions in life, but there it is.

yer pal,
swegan

Schoolwork

Spring cleaning for me has partially involved going through all my old school stuff. I kept all of it. I've already gone through 16 folders filled with school stuff, old stuff Freckles and I drew as kids, random stories and bits of writing, old sheet music for piano, piano theory notes, and a surprising amount of perfectly good blank paper. I've gone through all the school stuff and sorted out the big assignments or things that caught my attention, and had decided to recycle most of the other stuff. I asked mom where I should put it, and she offered the suggestion of taking it out to the cabin to use to start fires.

I was surprised at how completely against the suggestion I was. I mean, I was planning on recycling this stuff anyway. I don't need it. I don't need my old math notes, or social studies notes, or even old biology notes. I don't have any reason to keep it beyond the fact that I'm a giant sentimental loser who hangs onto things forever and ever because they all have memories.

Ptarckas informed me that he was happy to burn his school notes, for the reason that he hadn't enjoyed grade school a whole lot. When I saw Artifex, Nerd, and Tupperware yesterday, they all said they had gotten rid of their old school notes (maybe not Artifex, I can't remember). Tupperware said that he burned them.

I just... I can't burn them. I can't do it. I put a lot of effort into making those notes. I was a good student. Burning all of this stuff feels like all the proof I had that I worked hard and did well is gone. Like it was pointless putting in all the effort I did. And I put in probably too much effort. All my life I've been praised as a hard worker, a good student, a "pleasure to have in class" (I can't tell you how many times I got that comment on report cards).

This still doesn't explain why I was so okay with recycling this stuff. I think maybe it's because I could get rid of it all at once, and just walk away, and deal with it (I really am a sentimental loser, you guys. Trust me). I just want it out of my room, because then I have room in that drawer for things that are a bit more important, like, y'know, tax stuff, and university papers (not my university notes, though I'm having trouble throwing those out as well... and also selling my textbooks, though that's more just me being lazy and too timid to find out how to sell them), and also I want to free up room in my closet for things like clothes and books. All the clutter in my room is stressing me out, and these notes are a big part of that.

Maybe it's because I based so much of my identity on school for so long? "Good student" has been a piece of my identity all my life, even as the others changed- as "dancer" and "writer" slowly fell away and I had less and less by which to define myself. Burning all this stuff feels a little like destroying a part of myself, as cheesy and nerdy as that sounds. In all of these notes is countless hours of hard work spent learning sometimes things I hated. There are numerous margin poems full of exhaustion at how many things we had to cover, or how little I cared about what we were learning, and endless tiny doodles.

It's sort of like burning a scrapbook to me, I guess. Maybe for some people it feels good to get rid of school notes because they hated school, because it meant nothing to them, because other things were more important. I loved school. I still do.

I don't know. I don't know why I'm hanging onto this so much. I just want to let go of it so I can have some fucking space in my room for new things, but I can't.

I think for my own mental health I should probably just dispose of these in the original way of my choosing- recycling. It's all paper, anyway, and I've kept the really significant things, the things with memories written into them, or more hard work than usual. I can see myself dumping these notes into a recycling bin and walking away. I cannot see me handling it well if I had to watch them go up in flames, especially at the cabin because that would mean that I'd have to watch as they slowly disappeared over months. They all need to go at once, and it needs to be instantaneous.

I can't explain why that's better. I have no reason for it. It just is. That's what I want to do, and with my newfound sense of "I'm an adult now bitch" I will be able to be like "sorry, mom, I need this for my own sanity."


One thing I did find surprising was how much I wanted to keep my old history notes. I think that class was probably one of the most valuable for getting me interested in something I can remain interested in for life. Not even just war history (though my love for WWI history runs deep) (WWII is cool too I guess), but all the rest of it, too. I really liked learning European history. I almost wonder if I would have found Canadian history as interesting if I had learned it when I was 16 instead of when I was 9, but then again, maybe Europe just has a cooler history (or maybe it is just given more attention and credit).

I know I'll probably get over the loss of all my useless space-wasting notes once I just get rid of them. I have historically been a very resilient person, and I don't expect that will change now.

yer pal,
swegan

Sweet baby jesus

I remembered my blog that existed primarily during middle school and throughout 9th grade. Thankfully, it is locked. But dear god, it is an adventure to read.

For one thing, I had way too much time on my hands when I was 14. There are wayyyyy too many entries from that phase of my life. But I did get to go back and remember Sposh, quacking, and other 9th grade delights I had since forgotten about. I'm not even sure that 9th grade was real. It feels too bizarre now.

Some highlights:

-Oh lord, that pink trenchcoat. I still have that thing. I have had it since the 8th grade. As expected, it fits me a little differently now, because I look a little bit different than I did when I was 13.

-OH LORD, THE SASS. "I only need to be known as existent to the people who have brains bigger than grains of sand." U GO, 13 YEAR OLD SELF. PROUD OF U.

-ALSO PROUD OF MY 13 YEAR OLD SELF FOR GETTING PEOPLE SUSPENDED BECAUSE THEY WERE NASTY TO ME legit like I should put that on my fucking resume that's how proud of that I am. I GOT A FORCED APOLOGY. THE GLORY.

-There is now an entry from May 5, 2009, entitled "Blurt Alerts and Goat Boy's 180." Quality writing, everyone. Quality writing. I am so good at titles.

-Apparently my Era of Having Bangs began on May 1, 2009. That's almost 6 years now. DANG.

-Farticles. That is all.

-Yes, farticles are exactly what you think they are. My 8th grade science teacher had a very creative way of explaining diffusion

-I think I missed the point of not having to blog every day (she says as she has currently been doing so to procrastinate on finals and avoid boy problems)

All right, we're getting into things from 7th grade now, and nothing good can come of that. 7th grade me would be hella proud of me now, and would also think that I got totally hot, so that's all that matters. Also, it's 2:30 AM, and sleep is probably a good idea.

No, nevermind. I have reached the first entry. May 9, 2008. I've been blogging in one way or another for about 7 years. Not really sure that's impressive, especially considering all the entries before I turned about 16 or 17 are absolutely horrible and should never be seen by anyone ever.

One last fun tidbit: my 5th or 6th entry ever was entitled "Chain Mail: Do YOU Believe in it?" which is now officially in the running for Best Title, along with the blurt alerts and goat boy one, and possibly also the angst-ridden "Bad things don't happen in threes, they just happen to me!!!!!" which was all about how I kept not getting paired with my crush in the 9th grade. I had my fucking priorities in order.

yer pal,
swegan

Year in review

I know this is something you do in December, and TECHNICALLY I still have one exam left, but it's the kind of scenario where it's literally impossible for me to fail at this point (also impossible for me to get an A with the stupid grading scheme they use, which I swear is not the same as the other courses. Anyway, I decided to clean up my room a little, which takes way less time when I'm not at home because I don't have like long lost childhood art in here or like books of theory music that I can't bring myself to throw out yet because I put lots of effort into that. All I have in this room is whatever I came in with, and whatever I added in the course of a year. Also, realizing how much childhood crap I have in my room at home has led me to try to be LESS of a pack rat because I have realized that at some point I'm gonna have to take all my crap out of my room at home and that scares me because that's a lot of crap and I'm gonna have to throw stuff out and it's gonna make me emotional.

I'm just trying to think about what happened this year. I can't believe I've gone through two years of university. Also, it's been 10 years since I finished elementary school, which feels weird but also like it's been longer.

I guess I could start with courses. I took two genetics courses (one was technically still bio). I took Ochem I and II, and let me tell you, that was not fun. I took stats, which was gross but I passed. I took biochem, and two WGS courses, and two psych courses- which led me to realize that I hate psych and do not want to take any more psych courses ever again. But I got through all of them. I went to every single fucking lecture. So far in university, I've only ever skipped one lecture, and that was because there weren't any later flights home before thanksgiving. I'm sure my Chem 101 prof didn't notice and I still got a B+ in the course.

I have been out to probably two bars all year, and have consumed probably two alcoholic beverages total. So there's not much going in terms of partying. I joined my building's RA board and proceeded to do barely anything- I volunteered for the halloween party, was informed that I was no longer needed once I showed up, and then volunteered again for our end-of-year party last Friday, which was a total flop because no one came, but I still danced. So I've only embarrassed myself dancing once this year.

I kinda made two new friends via having them as lab partners (hello to one of them, who now knows about this blog and so I'm assuming will read this at one point). That was fun. As for the rest of my classes... I'm apparently bad at making friends. Carina and I are still friends, and she was trying to get us to branch out this year, but that didn't really happen because I'm a chicken and was like "why I already have friends" but that may not be entirely true. And I suppose I became better friends with the two girls I've roomed with, and I'm very sad that they won't be living here next year.

I attempted NaNo again. Only got 40K in and realized earlier this week when re-reading it that the characters are too much like me, to the point where I wrote actual conversations that I've only had in the last month (which is a little bit creepy). I haven't gotten much more into writing since then, but I want to at this point, and now I have another writing friend, which is having more of an effect on me than I originally expected. It's almost like knowing somebody who also enjoys it and will talk to me about it makes me think about it more or something. Currently working on that friend re: NaNo (by this I mean they are afraid to do it which is silly because it's fun and I will prove this somehow). We'll see how next year goes. And the summer too, I suppose.

I suppose Ptarckas and I have gotten closer, too. We have been dating for almost two years now, which feels like forever when you're not even 20. Still not really sure where that relationship is going (Ptarckas has expressed similar feelings on this), but I figure I'm still young so that's OK.

I've also gotten my finances in order, this semester especially. Which, ironically, helped me to stop the freshman 15 (which, yes, I now realize was completely harmless and not nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be).

As for things outside of school... I'm still in EPASS, but I'm not really feeling like that's going anywhere. My role is extremely limited both by my lack of knowledge about anything related to space science and my unwillingness to learn anything about it. I mean, there are still things I could do, but I haven't really done them. I don't know what's going on with that. Then there's the RA board, which was interesting and well worth it despite the fact that I did very little. Also, I suppose, there were the dance lessons in the fall semester. Those were pretty fun and it was nice having something to do outside of school (with Ptarckas, no less). I also attempted to join a TRX class this semester but that fell through because of "low enrollment" unfortunately. Looking at doing some ballet classes next  year because what the hell, I need some interests outside of school and I am painfully shy and foot-dragging when it comes to getting involved in things.

Plus, there were just little things. I went to a french play with Carina early on in the fall. I understood none of the parts that weren't in English, and it was about alcoholics, so they poured water all over themselves all the time instead of drinking all that water, to mimic the drinking, so that was interesting. We also went to another play this semester, which was thankfully all in English and very well done (but very long, my god). I also went to a folk festival in my building which Ptarckas and his father were doing sound setup for, and that was far more interesting than I thought it would have been. Yesterday was probably the last time I went out and did something, going to the theme park with Ptarckas. I went on a big roller coaster for the first time. The theme park that comes through my hometown in the summer is what it sounds like- mobile- so they don't really do big roller coasters. We got one of the pictures from the "action camera" too, and that was fun to look at.

I just... I'm all mushy now. This all came from cleaning my room and finding little things I had forgotten about. I don't want to go home, especially given the suckiness of last summer, but I'm determined to make this summer not suck. I've just gotta do more stuff. I can't just come home at the end of every day and sit around on the computer. Also, hopefully the project I'm working on at the lab will let me be more involved. I get the feeling that last summer was extremely last minute and that's why I spent so much time doodling on filter paper and making blotting buffer and running endless protein gels. I learned a bunch of stuff, don't get me wrong, but I often found myself feeling useless and in the way. I just wanted something to do. And I guess I could try to do a little more travelling. Even just to some national parks near where I live, or back up here for a couple visits...

I do miss my home and my family and home food. I miss watching movies with my family and eating outside with my family and being at the cabin with my family. I miss the fast internet and how gigantic and comfy my bed is. I miss my little sister, adorable little cupcake that she is. I miss my friends whom I haven't seen (or talked to I AM VERY SORRY) in ages. I also miss summer, despite the fact that I have exactly 0 pairs of shorts that fit me. I miss the thunderstorms and the late sunsets and the campfires. I do not, however, miss the bugs, but I'll take what I can get.

All right. I probably should do some studying at some point. Also get out of this room... I have a bad habit of staying in here all day when I don't have anything to do.

yer pal,
swegan

I am so mad about sex in the media

Like oh my god it is so inaccurate and wrong!

This is mostly talking about movies/TV shows with teenagers or young adults in them, that sort of age. Sex inevitably comes up in most of them, and I suppose the portrayal is accurate in that that's what happens most of the time. And then there's all this confusion muddled up in "do I wait?" and shit like I just have so many things I want to scream at the characters every time this gets brought up on a show like

1) If you can't have a straightforward conversation about sex, it's probably a bad idea to have sex
2) You are allowed to do it now or wait until you're married, it really doesn't matter. It's up to you.
3) If you're excited about it, looking forward to it, etc, those are probs good signs that you're "ready" or that you'll handle it well
4) It is going to suck the first time. Like a lot. That is normal. It is nobody's fault and I really hate that on a lot of shows relationships end b/c the first time having sex was bad. Like, news flash, if you had waited until your wedding night, it would also have been bad too. Also, it will probably continue to be not-great for a while. Practice makes perfect.
5) THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO DO. I don't mean like, be totally chaste, I just mean there are other things to do with someone you are sexually attracted to beyond sexual intercourse. There is like this whole range of other activities that are still a lot of fun that are not sex and do not carry with them the same risk of pregnancy (yes, I get this only applies to straight couples. That is my only experience). Furthermore, that is a good way to work up to being comfortable with someone, establishing trust, intimacy, being able to discuss things with them, etc. I say this b/c it bothers me immensely that teenagers in media go from just making out to full-out having sex and there is no in between, which is totally ridiculous and unreasonable. (Pls don't interpret this as having to do other things first, just be aware that this range between complete chastity and sex totally exists and is there to explore).
6) It is probs not a bad idea to know about the other person's anatomy/your own anatomy.
7) Bring. More. Than. One. Condom. Oh. My. God. The first one might break, or you can't get it on right, or the first round sucks and you want to try again after half an hour of doing something else. You never know.
8) Also, just saying- it is not going to be a big painful, bloody mess. If you're going slow and everyone's nice and turned on and especially if there is lube involved, everything should be fine. Slightly uncomfortable and a little "Oh, so that's what that's like" but not painful and messy and bloody. I hate this lie. I mean, maybe there's bleeding for some people, I don't know, but I really don't think that there should be. Vaginas can push babies out. A penis should not do that much damage.

That ends Swegan's Sex Talk. Seriously, I'm just so frustrated. Oh, but one last thing:

9) Pls keep checking up on each other, like ask "how are you doing" periodically or something like that. Just because someone says initially that they're OK with something doesn't mean they'll continue to do so. Also, this means that if you're like "welp I am not wanting to do this anymore" that you should say something. And if someone says stop, stop. Like, completely. That one is a no brainer. And this ties into the communication thing again (#1).

Honestly, I'm starting to think that the most important thing any good relationship has is good communication. If someone doesn't feel comfortable communicating or isn't being listened to, the relationship needs work or is not good.

And like, jesus christ, there is no appropriate period of time after starting a relationship at which you need to have sex. None at all. You can go on the first date, or wait a year. Whatever suits you, and your partner, obviously.

Furthermore, this has to be something you can talk to a doctor/your doctor about, too. Even if you get all embarrassed talking to them about ANYTHING relevant to sex. Doctors are there to help, for srs.

Just... be smart. Pls don't be like the kids in the media who feel all awkward about their first time being bad and blame each other or their connection and who only have one condom and who can't talk about sex or communicate during sex and just... be safe. Do whatever the hell you want with your partner, as long as you both agree and you're being safe.

I know this is pretty high and mighty of me given my limited physical-stuff-in-a-relationship-experience, but I think it works pretty well. IMO, sex should be something fun, something that you look forward to and enjoy, and should never ever make anyone feel uncomfortable.

And hey, it's totally fine to just not want sex in a relationship, or to want the relationship to be JUST sex, or any mix in between.

I feel like all of this is totally "Duh" to me... actually, I kind of hope that it's "duh" to everyone, and that at this point Laci Green has managed to educate a large portion of young adults about safe sex and things of the like (I am once again going to mention that she has a kick ass youtube channel which actually taught me a bunch of stuff that I am kind of relaying to you here, so you should all look it up regardless of whether this post was like "wow really?" for you or "uh, DUH" for you.)

anyway, I'm done. I need to get up early tomorrow.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Men and Feminism

Get ready for another boring post, y'all

SO. I want men to have a piece of the gender equality pie, too. BUT. I have an issue with the way Men+Feminism gets brought up.

First off, I would like to state that making a statement- a tweet, an essay, a big ugly tumblr post- that talks about the issues faced by women and girls does not immediately imply that the poster does not care about the way gender norms and expectations affect men. I don't understand why this is, but I can't care about women in STEM fields anymore without being a horrible bigot because "what about men?" well, I don't know. Issues like women in STEM are personal to me, being a woman in STEM myself (who, thankfully, has faced almost none of those problems- so that clearly indicates progress!), so I'm more likely to care about them in a vocal way.

The issue is that this doesn't imply I don't care about men being underrepresented in other fields, like nursing or education (unless I'm backwards on those; I'm working with stereotypes here. Pls let me know if I'm wrong), but it does imply that I care about women being underrepresented in STEM fields (Altho- if I'm not wrong, it's mostly chemistry, math/stats, computer science, and physics that are missing a lot of women, while fields like psych, bio, and medical sciences are more equal at this point).

The same thing goes for caring about something like sexual assault against women or catcalls. Those are problems that women face every day, most often at the hands of men. Does this mean I think all men are evil? If you think that's what I imply by caring about those things, you've colossally missed the point.

Overall, the issue seems to be that unless your statement includes all the people in the world ever, you're apparently discriminating against someone. Heaven forbid that I should make a statement exclusively about the issues of women and girls. Heaven forbid I don't include men for 5 seconds. Really? It's ridiculous.

The same goes for those young feminists who try to use feminism as a way to give them a victim complex so that they don't have to be responsible for anything: people can talk about the issues men face re: gender equality without mentioning women. However, I've found that the opposite problem is true more often, but guess what? I'm stating this here both because it's true AND because if I fail to mention it, I'm a horrible misandrist feminazi!!

I'm not sorry for the exaggeration. I'm really getting tired of this shit.

I have also been told that western feminism focusing on western problems instead of the problems faced by women elsewhere in the world is super lame, like "oh we don't have real problems, they have real problems." For that, I offer the following:
1) I agree that the work of non-western feminist activists should be talked about, and their voices amplified. That's important work, and they deserve to be heard.
2) I am not an expert on the problems women face in other parts of the world. I don't want to pretend that I am by offering solutions or advice to people from other parts of the world.
3) It is not my place to go and "save the poor oppressed women" in other parts of the world. That makes me a white savior, and trust me, that is not a good thing. My job is to listen to the women and men there that are helping to improve the lives of women, to offer help when I am asked and when I can help, and to share their stories and activist work.
4) No matter how much I learn about what the life of women in other countries is like, I will never be an expert. It is not my place to have an opinion on how to solve problems women face elsewhere. Like I said, it is my job to support women there who are doing that work, and to pay attention to it. I do agree that in the western world, we often get blinded by what's going on here so we don't see what's happening elsewhere. I agree that that needs to change.
5) This isn't to say that all women not in North America are suffering, either. The statement of "We must make everywhere else like the western world, where women have it soooo good!" is again, indicative of the whole white savior thing.

This is why I focus on the problems faced by western women. Yes, those still exist- and not just common "people" problems, but problems based on gender.

"But don't you care that men face problems too??!??!"

Did you even read the post??? Of course I fucking do. I have lots of men in my life whom I love deeply, and I want them to get a piece of the gender equality pie, same as me.

Overall: I think the "YOU FORGOT ABOUT MEN" is a way to shut down important discussions of the problems of women and girls by accusing them of not including everyone ever in the world. Wow, sorry my statement wasn't universal enough for you.


It's like caring about one endangered species. It doesn't automatically mean that I think other endangered species aren't important, and I don't have to talk about every single endangered species in the world every single time I say something.

yer pal,
swegan

ok but like what even is love

I'm for serious on this one

Like, everyone describes it as something so overwhelming and amazing and "I love you more every day." This makes me worried because I definitely do not feel overwhelmed by my relationship with Ptarckas, and the way I feel about him is definitely not overwhelming or exciting or a huge rush. I just like hanging out with him and talking to him and doing stuff together, no matter what it is.

I suppose there was one point in the relationship near the beginning when everything was very exciting and new and I maybe did feel like that. I still feel like I love him, but I don't really know what that means. I don't want to see him hurt, I want him to be happy, and I enjoy being around him. Is that really all that love is?

I just feel so lied to. Pop culture paints love as very different from this, and I kind of feel like literature does as well. But it seems like it would be absolutely exhausting to feel that way about someone all the time, not to mention distracting. I have school to focus on- I can't be distracted by being starry-eyed all the time.

For now, I have decided that if we both like this arrangement we have and we both feel like we love each other, we really shouldn't care what other people think. If that's how this is going to work, then that's how it's going to work.


The only thing I have for sure right now is that we discussed this earlier, and the tone of the conversation made me very afraid we were heading for disaster. That was distracting. I was sick with worry, even though it really turned out to be nothing- but the relief I felt was still overwhelming. I don't know if this is just me being stubborn or if I'm just used to this- I don't know. I just knew that if we were to stop seeing each other, I would be really sad and lonely, and I didn't like the idea that he would be too. So it seems like continuing the relationship is the logical idea...

Ugh. I don't know how to do this. But I guess that's what being young is for?

yer pal,
swegan :S

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

God, I hate it when people ask me this. But, let's see.

I think I'd go ahead and get my PhD in biology. Even the brief wikipedia readups of the antibodies/"primaries" that i have to put on the westerns fascinates me. cancer is fascinating. The ways in which it proliferates and sustains and spreads are vast, but that also means there's a lot of potential to take it out. The other day I was reading about DNMT3a, which is DNA methyltransferase 3a. Typically thought to be involved in the methylation of (I think?) CpG sites in DNA in early development but maaaybe also later when methylations are copied (transferred- things in science seem to actually be named very simply and to-the-point) during DNA reproduction. It was so cool. Plus, there was a girl in the lab who did her PhD defense last Tuesday, and for some reason I got really excited for her, imagining how hard she would have been working to get to that point, to get her doctorate. And I think that's when I knew that biology was where I was meant to be, and I was going to get my PhD if it killed me.

But then again... if I wasn't afraid of it, I'd also be a doctor. Doctors are important. I know I am fully capable of getting myself through med school, if I put my mind to it. But the problem is that med school really doesn't appeal to me, because I'm kind of scared of the work. I'm also kind of scared that I'd hate the work after school. Although this didn't stop me from daydreaming about being an MD PhD the other day. The best of both worlds, really... although the guy I was reading about was a pediatric oncologist, and I can't imagine that job must be fun.

I would also write more. I think maybe I don't write because I'm scared. Or maybe because I don't want to. Either way, I hate that I made such a big deal out of it because now everyone still acts like I'm prolific when the reality is I don't write anymore. I don't. I don't want to. It's exhausting. It's hard work. I don't want to be a writer anymore. I don't know why. It kind of feels like something inside of me either shriveled up and died, or just left- I hope it's the latter, because then it can come back.

I think I'd also have gone to visit my boyfriend at one point, and my other friends in my uni city. I'd have gone down to the nearby national park only an hour south of me to hike and enjoy nature. I'd have invited friends out to the cabin.

I'd also look more into doing a semester abroad.

I'd probably quit EPASS. lord knows I've been thinking about that for a long time. But I feel so guilty about it, like because my parents donated a bunch of money to the fundraiser and it is good volunteering experience and the people I've met in the group are so nice and they really do need help, but honestly... space is cool, and so is this project, but I kind of feel like... I dunno, like I'm not helping, like I fell behind on reading because the reading was really boring to me, like there's maybe a reason I don't check my emails nearly often enough, maybe a reason there hasn't been a newsletter for over a month? Mom and Dad said that they only donated as much as they did because I was involved, which does not fucking help with the guilt. I feel like I signed up for this, I need to keep at it. I'm also scared that if I were to leave, the people in the group would hate me, which is actually completely unfounded because those people are not shitty people. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about it, but I'm also starting to wonder if someone else can't do my job better than I can. Someone who cares more than I do. I feel so horrible about not caring, when I've been given this opportunity. And aren't you supposed to take every opportunity? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing right now, snagging every single one that comes along? That, to me, feels like it would leave me overloaded.
I seriously need to make up my mind on this. On the one hand, if I did end up leaving before returning to uni, my parents would know and get mad. On the other hand, if I waited until I got up there, I'd have to do it face to face and idk if I could get through that without crying. Maybe I'll see how many new recruits they get from the clubs fair? If a bunch of people join, I'd feel less bad about leaving... ugh. This has been tearing me up for weeks. I feel like the shittiest club member in the world, and I don't know why, since it's a free country and I'm allowed to leave if I want to. It's not like I work for them.

I think I would travel more. Alone. If I wasn't afraid of being approached by strangers because I am small, naive, and female. If I wasn't afraid of trying new foods.

Honestly, I think I'd probably eat differently, too. The other week I got in a seriously debilitating internal argument over a bag of chips which ended up with me deciding to start working out, which has actually ended up in a dramatic reduction of sad feelings which is totally not what I was trying to get out of it at all but kind of is what I'm trying to get out of it now (seriously, being home has really made me sad, which makes absolutely 0 sense).

And also, I would probably have more sex. I mean, not that I'm currently HAVING any, but you get my point. I think we would all do that. Come on. I HAD TO PUT THIS IN HERE. It's the truth. If I wasn't so afraid of getting pregnant...

I'd also probably take more dance classes and be less worried about it being a waste of money. Dance makes me happy. It always feels like something I can be good at and something I was born to do.

I don't actually know if all of these things are good ideas, or if doing them will improve my life or make me happy. Some of them, probably. Others, ???

I think this question is still worth taking the time to answer, though. You can learn a lot about yourself.

yer pal,
swegan :)

How To Fix Everything In My Fucking Life

I think lately why I've been feeling sad is because I keep feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. Like for starters, I need to show up earlier at work. There's another girl there who is studying for her MCATs by taking night courses at the same time as she's doing a summer of lab work and she comes in at 8:30, right when the lab opens. I need to research more at home so that I can actually understand what it is I'm researching and come to conclusions like I was asked to.
Furthermore, I stopped exercising. I need to do that because I am still gaining weight and too much more will be too much for my frame. Like I should be riding my bike, every day, at least five laps around the lake, and while I'm at it, I need to stop buying chocolate pretzels from bulk barn.
That way, I can save money to go out with friends, because I've fucked up at that, too. Does it matter that the movie starts at 10 on a weeknight? Of course not, I need to do these things with friends! Or else I won't have any!!!! Obviously all plans with friends must be attended. Friends are important. Friends are one of the most important things in the world.
While I'm on the subject of relationships, it seems like I should end my current one since I am dating someone who doesn't really have a direction. Who cares that he makes me happy! Who cares that I'm only 18??? I need to worry about the future NOW, obviously. And I need someone who will be able to support me financially when I inevitably have 2.5 kids at 30 and need to buy a house.
And on the topic of the future, I need to get my schooling together. Like start taking a foreign language, and volunteer more- obviously I need to do all of that AlbertaSat reading so that I can be super helpful, and I should be filling the newsletter with fun space news and interviews with people who work for the group. Oh, and I should really also enroll in a physics course- I only have two labs, I can handle the extra one. I'll just put it on Wednesday nights!!! No big deal, right? Of course not. Because if I'm going to go to med school, I'll need to get used to working hard.
Med school, you say? Well, of course! It's the only logical choice for someone like me because I'm hardworking and driven, and definitely smart enough to do it. Plus if I want to maintain this kind of lifestyle, I need to have a good job. It's either this or something like dentistry. Research isn't solid enough, and it requires a lot of school that is not as laid out as med school. Which is why I need to take physics!!! And foreign languages!! And volunteer more! I should probably spend my next summer break volunteering somewhere far away, only to come back to work at a lab job again, maybe in a different lab. And I need to make sure I keep my GPA above 3.5 so I can get research grants, because THOSE look really good on med school applications!!
And then with finances, I need to start investing in stuff, and putting money in an RRSP. And I need to stop spending so much- I should only spend on necessary stuff, like clothes. And time out with friends, I guess. Which is why I need to stop buying myself things like expensive swimsuits when they have them for $15 at target!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. OOPS.

AND THEN THE KICKER: I must do this all while pretending that I am ok. Lately I am walking around feeling like I am not allowed to not be ok, and telling my parents that I have felt sad for the past two weeks results in my mom insisting that it's because I spend all my time in my room. Thanks, mom. That's really helpful. That clearly also explains my sudden need to scream at anyone who drives the slightest bit incorrectly on the way home- before I start crying, that is.

I don't know what's wrong and lately I just feel like it's me. I am not doing things right. And the worst part is, there's really an easy way to fix this. It's just that now I feel like I might be too late in some areas, particularly the friends one. I've really fucked up there.

I guess all I can do is move forward and try. Maybe not with this, which would obviously make my parents happy (hooray, our daughter has plenty of friends and is normally social with good grades and bright doctor future ahead of her with her boyfriend who is also on the path to success and pays for dinner sometimes (yeah, that actually came up tonight)), but with friends, and with exercise. The rest, I don't know.

I don't know.


I think I'll start with riding my bike sometimes and doing more things with friends. I feel like that is, at the least, a good place to start. Maybe I have seriously fucked up some relationships. I can still try to fix them. Also I can fix my habits of being inconsistent with what time I will stay out until. Usually I am more willing to stay late if the event starts earlier than if it starts later. I need to quit being inconsistent like that.

One step at a time, I guess.

yer pal,
swegan

p.s. on an unrelated note, i have spent the weekend at my dad's cousin's cabin with her daughters, mine and freckles' second cousins. They're adorable beyond belief and really easy to entertain and i have actually really been feeling relaxed and enjoying myself. and i finished the last book in the mortal instruments series today. A very good conclusion, I thought. Left me with feelings, but also left me feeling satisfied. It was a good wrap-up. I strongly recommend the series (The Mortal Instruments).
Just so you know I'm not always all weepy-sad like this. Today was actually a good day. I just think a lot sometimes.