Some days I feel like such a hypocrite

Like on skype, sometimes there's people online that I just don't want to talk to, so I set my status to busy and do something else, and this can be anyone- some days it's everyone, and I just turn skype off, or some days I just want to talk to one particular friend, so I set it to busy and just talk to that person, and then there's some times when people have sent me messages and I have just ignored them and then come back later when I was ready to talk and been like "Jeez, sorry, I didn't see that." Sometimes I have legitimate reasons for doing this, like I've been studying for a while and so I only want to talk to one or two people in the background as a sort of break, but then other times I'm just online and I don't feel like being social. And I feel like that makes me such a bad person.

There are some people who I never even have conversations with anymore. My parents, of course, are always disappointed to hear that I don't talk to people like Omnia much anymore, or even Artifex, and I think the last time I talked to Tudo was on the Europe trip over easter, maybe. And then there's other friends who don't even have a nickname that I've basically stopped talking to altogether, and it's like I still comment on their facebook posts and that feels like a relationship but it's not really.

I did get together with some friends over the break I haven't been talking to regularly, Artifex and Nerd and Tupperware and another friend who doesn't have a nickname on here for some reason (I'm too lazy to make it up now). I was surprised at how well Nerd and I got along- he still makes inappropriate comments, but he's much less condescending and full of himself than he used to be, and there were times at that lunch when he would be telling a story, and Artifex and the other friend (okay seriously she needs a nickname can I call her...Clara, yeah, Clara) (oooh I just realized that's like Clara from the nutcracker, nice) would say something to one another and he would just be talking to me for a second, and it was weird. I guess we did get along well once upon a time, and he's still a decent guy at heart. He seems to be turning back into that more, which is good, because seriously, he's a great guy when he's decent. And that lunch was fun (although it was what prompted the "innocence" post, as Artifex commented on my post before that at lunch, saying that I had "changed" when actually that change occurred at like the beginning of twelfth grade... or even the year before... although to be fair, nobody really knew about that because it wasn't super obvious).

I miss Artifex. I feel like I've been an absolutely horrible friend to her. I never text her, I only ever see her when I'm back in town, and I comment on her facebook stuff, but... I dunno. We had some good skype calls for a few weeks in October, which died down, and now she's never on skype while I'm ALWAYS on skype so I guess that's just kinda all over the place. The thing is, Artifex is one of those genuinely good people. Her generosity and kindness have always amazed me and she has always been the absolute best to me, and yet I've done basically nothing at all to communicate with her.

I feel like... even with Vince and Lucy and I, things aren't the same. And I guess it's naive to expect that they would be, we're in very different places now (what I mean by that is that university's different than high school) (don't "duh" me you know what I mean), and I still have a lot of faith that that friendship will hold on for a while. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, but moving away really does make it hard to keep relationships intact, even with facebook and skype and email and yadda yadda yadda.

The thing is, I feel pretty bad about how many friends I've made in university so far, which is like two (this is including Grag) (Ooookay I'm gonna start calling him Ptarckas instead) (I call him detective Ptarckas on skype and he doesn't mind) (DON'T. ASK.) and then the EPASS people, whom I haven't seen in like a month because finals. Shit. I haven't even been reading the textbook for that because break... I suppose I could do a little of that. It was actually interesting and informative and good project management stuff to know. I need to put more effort into that. And don't get me started on the expense template protocol the other assistant and I were supposed to do, and the big meeting I missed (albeit because I was driving home although I probably didn't know that I was leaving that day when I filled out the poll and just whatever).

Okay, I made some notes for the expense templates (most of which are just questions). I feel less guilty now. It's a very informal document but I feel like that's okay at this point, because we can turn those notes into a formal protocol document together or something (meaning the assistant PM and I) (PM sounds like prime minister like no that means project manager) (I am not the prime minister's assistant/trainee shadow/apprentice) (that would be cool though).

*blows bangs upwards* I suppose I am maybe getting a little worked up about the friends thing. People do drift apart a little, and none of us are used to this. It was bound to happen. I know it's natural for people to come and go, especially now that many of us have moved so far away. And I suppose making friends in a new place takes time. I'm doing okay, I guess. And I've been quite okay with doing okay, since my grades have been stellar (by my own judgement)... I guess life isn't about doing great things and being a perfect person who helps everyone and does everything right. Life is about sometimes doing and sometimes doing well and sometimes not doing when you can't and right now I'm somewhere between doing and doing well and what more do you really need?

yer pal,
swegan :)