Thursday, October 31, 2013

Okay but just

what is even happening

YES I AM STILL SUPER STRESSED OUT ABOUT MY PAPERS AND MY BIO LAB AND MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE BUT I JUST WENT ON A 1.5 HOUR WALK WITH A GUY WHO SAID, AND I QUOTE: "I hate it when reasonable ideologies like feminism get taken to extremes" AND I WAS JUST LIKE YES YOU THIS IS GOING TO BE A THING YOU RESPECT MY INTEREST IN FEMINISM YOU JUST EARNED 100000 POINTS IN YOUR FAVOUR also it is really shitty outside, like gray and depressing and cold and windy and the rain is blowing at an angle, and he still walked around with me. For an hour and a half. We walked down the same streets twice sometimes. At one point we sang a bit of "singin' in the rain" together. And just. We have the best conversations, I swear. We talk about everything and anything at all and he lets me blabber on for ages about stupid stuff and doesn't mind when I interrupt him at the end of a block to ask which way we should go next. I just like hanging out with him. A lot. And given the state of the weather today SHIT I STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR PARKING OOPS I SHOULD PROBABLY CALL and then I guess... then she'll know I tried to stop by a couple times. Anyway, as I was saying- given the state of the weather today, it's very clear that he really likes me if he was out with me in that weather for no reason at all. He also said he wanted to try and make my day less sucky (and I was pretty depressed earlier, so he succeeded) which was actually really sweet and just...

Earlier today I was mulling over the fact that the three guys who have liked me in my entire life have basically been the same: sweet boys who are really nerdy and have bad fashion sense. But I guess... it's the sweet part. It's the part where they can actually be really genuine people. Nerd was a really great person when I first met him, and he's still a pretty nice guy (albeit he can be a little condescending and kind of sexist... but he's still a nice person). It's the niceness that draws me in, the way I can have good conversations with people, the ways I can clearly tell that they like me. Suddenly his apparent lack of real pants and the fact that he's taking two classes (as if that's any way to figure out what you want to do (imo) (end sarcasm)) don't seem to matter as much. Plus he gave me a hug which I decided was a little bit awkwardly long but then decided was nice because I really needed a hug and also I think I actually like this guy, so..... not all bad, I suppose.

Funny because I was so blatantly against this a few weeks ago. WHY DOES MY MIND CHANGE SO QUICKLY? Ugh. Whatever. He's nice to me, we have great conversations, and he genuinely likes me. Like a lot. Like, it's actually pretty adorable and endearing. Like this might actually be a thing AND HE MIGHT ACTUALLY SING "Baby it's cold outside" WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE SINGING IN THE RAIN THING OMFG I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN SO MUCH THAT WOULD BE SO EPIC.

All I can think of now- with a smug little smirk on my face- is how much my parents would disapprove of all of this. But fuck that, it's my life, and if I want to let this become a thing, then I am allowed to let it become a thing. I'm a reasonable person, he's a reasonable person. The whole thing should be pretty darn reasonable. Plus at this point we're still at that stage where nothing is bad, and that's the best stage ever. PLUS HE IS UNDERSTANDING OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE A LOT TO DO and we end up seeing each other twice a week anyways.

ANYway I do have an essay to write. Actually, two. I think I should get some ideas going for my English essay, given that it's worth 50% of my grade...

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

You know what bugs me about tumblr tho

is plenty of people are like "yeah identify however you want, it's your sexuality, woohoo know thyself!" but then they turn around and are like "I don't trust anyone who says they aren't a little bit gay" and "Nobody is 100% straight" and I'm like FUCK HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU FAT LITTLE TURDS like you literally JUST SAID that people could identify however they wanted to. I identify as 100% straight and you are not at liberty to tell me that that is incorrect because YOU ARE NOT ME JESUS FUCK TUMBLR PLS STOP BEING SO HYPOCRITICAL OKAY like I'm not saying there's anything wrong with identifying as not-straight, like dude, like what you like and be who you are, but then don't try to insist that because sexuality is a spectrum, no one is allowed to exist at the extreme ends. Some people are 100% gay. Some people are 100% straight. Some people are somewhere in the middle. The end. Have a nice day.

I'm predicting if I put that on tumblr, tho (not that I could b/c I don't have one), people would be like "wow homophobe" and I'm like FUCK NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY HERE I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality like why should I have a problem with it I don't see a problem there, don't twist my words into garbled hate-speech.

IN LIGHTER NEWS my date went well :) we went out for brunch, he ate a lot more food than I did (lately I've noticed I have like no appetite... it's a bit worrisome but I'm still eating and making sure to eat lots of good food too), and then we walked around for like an hour and just talked about a bunch of stuff and it was really nice. It was freezing outside, but that didn't really matter (well I mean aside from my legs being very numb). I just didn't want the date to be over, so we just walked past my building, and over to the train station, and then back over like 10 blocks, and then all the way back to my building. It was a really long walk, now that I think about it. Damn. This relationship is already good for my health.
He was really nice, too, like he remembered previous things we had talked about and asked me about them and I asked him about what he did in the four years between high school and university, and I dunno, we just talked about stuff. Which is obviously the best kind of thing to be able to talk about. He did wear sweatpants, which was mildly disappointing, but I guess that didn't really matter much. Also it was really evident that he liked me, which was really sweet, and kind of makes me smile like an idiot. I mean it was clear already that he liked me given that he worked up the courage to ask me out, but still. I don't quite feel the same but it's like... I dunno.
Also... at one point when we were figuring out how to pay the bill (he got most of it, but I paid some too, and I feel like it was fairly even given how little I ate compared to him... either way I would have been totally cool with getting the bill, like it's not a problem, it wasn't that much) I looked over and saw his driver's license in his wallet. I have no idea when he had that picture taken, but in it it definitely looked like he had a full beard, with like full-on sideburns- a pirate beard. I had to take a break to laugh when he got up to use the bathroom. I just like the idea that he's capable of growing a pirate beard, it's really funny. AND THAT HE ACTUALLY DID THAT AT ONE TIME ALSO THAT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER HAHAHAHAHA I shouldn't be laughing like I don't want to be mean but like omg it was so funny.
I must also give more credit to the idea that he is secretly ripped. When I say secretly, I mean like he's always wearing these ill-fitting baggy pajama-esque clothes and so I can't tell. But he said something that made me think that he is, and also I only noticed today that DAMN the boy has nice arms. Like... well, y'know. Nice arms. I feel like the internet knows about this already, like I don't need to elaborate any more on it. Well, and the shoulders, but I always notice guys' shoulders so that's no surprise.

Anyway, there is going to be a second date at some point in time, so I think that's when you say you're dating someone. Not that it's a relationship (I decided with Vince today that a relationship is when you don't have to ask "so, do you want to do this again sometime?" like if you're in a relationship the assumed answer to that is just yes) (also you are allowed to hold their hand when you are walking together without having to awkwardly ask if you can hold their hand, I am adding that), but it's getting there.
I know I said to Freckles over the thanksgiving weekend that it wasn't going to happen, but hey, people change their minds. People also ask other people out and that changes people's minds. THINGS HAPPEN *waves arms about in air*

I have to wonder if he knows about this blog. IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS BLOG YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME, GRAG. Or else I will be hella mad that you know that I think you have nice arms.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, October 26, 2013


No but this is serious. I'm not going to be a little kid about this.
*suppressed giggles*

I should mention that I am still not 100% sure if I like this guy, I mean like no, I like him as a person and we have really good conversations and stuff, but I'm still not entirely sure I like him in a way where I want to date him. But clearly he likes me that way, because he's the one who asked me out in the first place.

Before you ask, no, this isn't Orchid. Actually Orchid still seems pretty cool but like dude I know literally nothing about you beyond the fact that you're in engineering. It was Grag. God, that's a stupid nickname. I need to change that. For now, uh... well... uh... yeah I really need to come up with a new nickname. ANYWAY IT WAS VERY AWKWARD AND ALSO I GOT VERY FLUSTERED. I have never actually been asked out on a date before, despite the fact that technically I "dated" someone in high school, and just like omg you guys it was so sad. I look back now and I'm pretty sure he tried to ask me out like 2 different times, once before class, and once about 20 seconds before he had to say "Do you want to go on a date" because seriously you guys, you have to be blunt with me. I am not good at picking up on subtle cues. I hate them. Just say what you mean already.
And by "subtle cues" I mean he said he was 22 (which is a major plot twist because I totally thought he was 18 so like my brain is still adjusting to this knowledge) and he was like "so it probably wouldn't be that weird if we went out" and I totally missed that, omg.

The thing is, since I've been telling people (who are not Vince who I think is still more excited than me) they keep asking "Is he cute?" and I'm like "Uhhhhhh...... not.... really...." I mean like... just..... like .... he has potential, I guess? I dunno, but I'm not really physically attracted to him at all so this date should be interesting. I'm really hoping he doesn't wear sweatpants, given that he wears them every other time I see him and it's just sad like omg dude you are a real adult why are you wearing teenager pants all the time.
Like okay on campus it's more understandable (even though I'd never wear sweatpants on campus like ever but I see other people doing that from time to time) but srsly I am pretty sure one of the cardinal rules of first dates is that you don't wear sweatpants. Unless the date requires that, but I'm not really sure what you'd have to be doing to require sweatpants... working out? Ugh. No, but I'm pretty sure going on a first date to a restaurant in sweatpants is like... no. I figure if he shows up in sweatpants, I'll be like "ugh do you even own real pants" like in a jokey sort of way and if he shows up in real pants, I'll be like "oh so you do own real pants"so like either way it's all good.

Well, it's tomorrow and I have to study for chem right now (ugh I don't want to UGH NO I WAS UP UNTIL 11 LAST NIGHT WRITING A PAPER NOOOOOOOOOOOO) but obvi I will put up how it went and all that. After telling Vince all the details, because she ships us (even though it may not turn out to be a thing) and I'm guessing she'll want to know. I did give her a play-by-play of how he asked me out, so.... yeah.

Okay, on a more somber note, I had a weird dream last night. It had to do with all those horrible boys from middle school ("The Blunder Boys", as a friend and I called them). They showed up at some... garage or something where I was with my family (only they looked really weird. It's hard to imagine how people will look once they've grown up) and I was like "ugh just ignore them" and I was all super cool I-don't-give-two-shits-about-you-little-shits and then for some reason they were like "what's the big deal" and I was so mad, I was like "Are you serious, you treated me like shit, you were so horrible to me, you ruined middle school for me, you were so mean I can't believe you" and then they fucking apologized.
I cannot tell you how happy that made me.
It's like, they finally realized what they did was shit and knew that they had to say sorry to me because it was the right thing to do and I was just so happy, like oh my god, you turned into decent people who have tried to right your wrongs.
I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty disappointed when I woke up and found out it was just a dream. Of course that would never happen in real life, I'd never get a genuine apology. And that's fucking fine. I mean getting an apology would be fantastic, but not getting an apology is fantastic too because it means I don't have to see them ever again. So either way, life is good, my friends. AND I STILL HAVE A DATE. Someone still thinks I'm cute enough and funny enough and nice enough to ask out. Honestly.

Shit, now I have half an hour before I need to go down to eat and then rush off to a presumably 2-hour alberta-sat meeting. I meant that still gives me loads of time to study chem later, and I guess jot down some ideas for my philosophy paper since I want to have at least some idea of what I'm writing by Monday. Next weekend I have to write a draft of my English paper and write up a bio lab, too... ugh I still have to do a chem pre-lab and bio lab statistics and then START the fucking write up and just like AAAAAH WHY IS EVERYTHING HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME FUCKING HELL. I need better time management. Tomorrow at this time I have to already BE at the diner. ugh why am I so bad at life today.

I guess I keep forgetting that I do have time to do homework throughout the week, too. I don't need to do it ALL right now. Like monday after chem I could just bury myself in the nice library and study for chem until like 6 and then rush home for dinner. I'm so nervous about chem. It's so hard now. I miss 11th grade chem, when everything was easy and I got 100% on pretty much all my lab write-ups. Shit I bet they pitched all those lab write-ups. DAMN THAT JUST MADE ME SAD I WORKED HARD ON THOSE.

okay srsly time to be a grownup. Sigh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

So I think it's time I stopped thinking about 7th grade

7th grade, 7th grade, 7th grade. Like honestly, it was how many years ago, and I think about it way too often. I'm not sure why. Yeah, I had a huge miserable crush on a guy who was nothing but horrible to me but I don't know why I inflate that and make such a big deal out of it, and so I decided to stop being such an asshole about it.
Look, that guy was not nice to me. He wasn't. He didn't handle anything well, he was totally rude and mean to me, he was not a great person in general. But then the other day I thought about his life, or what I knew about it. He lived near me, and I'm pretty sure his house consisted entirely of older brothers. It was common knowledge- or at least somehow I found out- that his mom had died when he was born. Well, he and his twin brother. And I just thought, well, okay. He's a person. And growing up without a mom has got to suck. I mean, like, on some level, I have some sympathy for the guy. Despite the fact that is a total asshole, I don't think his life was easy. I mean, he seemed well-adjusted enough and the scar on his face never bothered him a bit (plus he was one of the cool kids so nobody gave him any crap about it). I think he viewed me as making his life difficult or something. Here I was, this girl who still looked like she was 8 who was in the terms of my middle school a total loser because I had zero athletic ability, someone who didn't understand how to fit in. I tried so hard in middle school to just be normal, to just be like everyone else, but at the same time I didn't want to be like everyone else and everything just clashed in a horrible way because of that. I think part of it was physical- the other girls all developed fairly early, they all at least looked like they were 13, whereas some waitress mistook me for being in 3rd grade when I was 13. So I didn't have that going for me- I was short, flat-chested, still a kid. And there was nothing wrong with that, but everyone seemed to act like there was something wrong with that, and that was the problem.
So for some reason, perhaps because I broke the boundaries of what was acceptable or something, they decided to tease me. I suppose it was easy to get a reaction out of me, which was my biggest weakness. I think there were even times they'd ask me questions and hold a conversation with me in class and I wouldn't know that I was giving the totally wrong answers, that they were leading me on, playing on how naive I was and taking advantage of it, and everyone was watching and I didn't have a clue. His older brother was great at that. And maybe that's why I hate it when people decide to play tricks on me like that, decide to play on my naivete, and that's why I have absolutely no respect for people when they do that. I think that hurts more than anything else, than any of the name calling. The idea that everyone was laughing at me when I thought everything was fine.
Oh my god, I never even realized that until now. Fuck. Why did I decide to reflect on this?

No. 7th grade was a bad idea wrapped in more bad ideas and there was good there, I swear, there was good in that I liked my teacher and I was good at my classes and I got to read a lot and I had friends, I did, friends who didn't mind my weirdness and didn't take advantage of how stupid I was about other things. That's what good people do. I can't give him a free pass because his home life wasn't great. You don't get to be an asshole and get away with it just because other people have it better or worse than you do.

I need to chuck 7th grade into the trash, I need to forget about it. It's not doing me any good to remember hurt that happened in the past. People always say they have scars that will never heal and I still don't feel like I'm entitled to say that. I got called names, I got embarrassed, I got preyed upon. The end. So what. Other kids have to go through way worse, so who am I to act like any of that affected me? I went to the right high school, didn't I? I met people who showed me how to be and what good people are like, people who accepted me as I was with no questions asked, people who were just happy to have another member of the group. I will always be thankful for that, I will never regret the decision I made to go to that high school. It was such a life changer and I don't think I give it enough credit for that. High school was like finding out that I wasn't going to be a loser forever. High school was finding out that more than one teacher will like you because you're good at school and not at sports. High school was kindness and love and friendship. I remember writing in 9th grade "I feel happy, right to my core" and that was so alien to me, that feeling of everything's all right and you're doing fine, and it was so nice to find out I could feel that way and I could be that happy with my life and so I've tried my best to keep up relationships with people who make me feel that way, even though it's not always easy and I'm definitely not very good at it.

I think high school is important to remember when discussing middle school. Because middle school ended. There was a time when middle school was over, and I didn't have to go back again. There was a time when high school began and my entire life changed for the better. The bad stuff ended. It's over now and I don't have to go back anymore.

I do, however, have to go back to university, because my next class starts at noon and I want to be there early to eat my lunch. And it feels so good to say that, to know that even if life sucked once, I moved on (well, mostly) and didn't let it stop me. I have always tried to be resilient and I think I am, to some degree. I think I recover from setbacks quickly. I think I know how to get back on my feet, and you know what, I think that's a valuable skill to have but you have to get knocked down to figure it out and maybe I'm not quite standing up yet because I can't shake some things that happened to me when I was 12 that really aren't that big of a deal. But I guess all I can do is move forwards... towards my next class, my next day, my next year, etc. It's cheesy but cheesy stuff always comes out of posts like this.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 20, 2013

So last night I pretended to be 12

LET ME TELL YOU THERE ARE ABOUT 11 SONGS THAT TAKE ME BACK TO BEING 12 AND I MADE THEM INTO A PLAYLIST TOO. So now I can pretend to be 12 again whenever I want. Although I'm not sure why I like that so much, given that I was pretty stupid at 12 like everyone else. It is a truth universally acknowledged that being 12 is very hard and any mistakes made during that year should be forgotten forever.

And then I was just watching pop music videos for fun because I don't have a TV anymore so I have to do that on YouTube and I clicked on "Can't Hold Us Down" by Christina Aguilera and I was not expecting it to be so awesomely feminist AND MY DAY WAS JUST MADE, especially considering that most of the songs I listened to when I was 12 were incredibly sexist. I really had no taste when I was 12. But, as said above, that is excused/forgotten/whatever. Although it's hard to forget that when I had "Love in this club" stuck in my head all day. ALL. DAY.

Tomorrow I have to go back to school. Ugh. No. No. Weekends are never long enough. I've never understood why they weren't three days- a more even balance. But, whatever.

Actually I literally have nothing to write about like that is the level of excitement my life is at right now. Midterms are fun, you guys. Especially when you've got a stupid English project to go along with them, one that makes you trek into the city to go to the nearest public library that has a copy of a children's book based on an Indian fable that you need as a visual aid for your project, only to find once you get to the library and try to obtain a free library card that you need something with your current in-that-city address on it, which I don't have, so I trekked all the way into the city for NOTHING except the sheer joy of taking the train, which I love for no logical reason. Some days I just want to sit on the bus or the train and ride it all around the stops. Just sit there and look at the different routes. I want to ride the 7 bus through its whole route. I want to sit on the train and ride its whole route (this city's train is like, one line north-south. There isn't much of a train system yet but it's still handy for getting to the mall and stuff) (well and for kids people (but they still seem like kids) who commute to the university). I want to take weird buses I'd never take otherwise through suburbs I've never seen before and probably never will again. Y'know? I want that kind of adventure. I also really want to go for a walk in the park because I have been to like a grand total of 1 park here so far, and that's just sad. I can't drive around and go to them because this is a Big City and driving around in those is too complicated. Hence, the bus. Let the bus driver do the driving.

Well, look. Guess I did have something to write about after all.

yer pal,
swegan :)


Friday, October 18, 2013

Boys pls

I think Grag likes me. Although I'm not sure if that's in the sense of "I actually really like being friends with you and enjoy our conversations because you are a nice person" or in the sense of "omg, but do you like-like them?" and just. Thursday was weird, okay? He sang me some sneaking song from Pirates of Penzance (or maybe he was just singing it, idk) that's written in fortissississimo or something ridiculous like that, and he sang this out loud. On the sidewalk. On a busy street. IN HIS FRICKIN' SWEATPANTS. I dunno about you guys but that takes guts. Even just wearing those sweatpants. Oh my god, seriously dude, buy real pants.

And then today I went into the humanities library to look for some books for my English Library assignment, and when I found two of the four I was looking for I sat down at a study carrel and I looked up at one point and this guy was walking by and saw me looking up and stopped, and blew me a kiss, and when I frowned at him (because I couldn't be like "what the hell man" because it was a silent study floor), he just shrugged like "life is short, idk, I just felt like it" and then walked away. It was very very weird. It was a creepy kiss, too, like one half expected him to waggle his eyebrows and start speaking soft Spanish. I just. Why. Why did that happen. I'm so confused. Vince suggested that he was wheeling me, but honestly this happened in like the space of three seconds and I'm firmly convinced he did it for kicks. Just because he could. Or perhaps he was dared to blow a kiss at someone. EITHER WAY IT WAS WEIRD OKAY.

NO NOW THAT STUPID SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS AUGHAUOHSOUTNSODLKTHSOAU. Seriously though that guy is weird. Before the exam he said he had a song stuck in his head and I was like "oh that's too bad" and he was like "yeah and it's a dark and scary song" and I was like "okay" and he was like "about ponies" and I was like "okay I'm telling people you said that." You don't often meet people who listen to dark and scary songs about ponies. He tried to sing that later, too, to which I covered my ears like a five year old and said "NO I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA"

Also Orchid has mysteriously not been present at meals when I have. I've seen him like once since I got back from Thanksgiving. Like he's still way too adorable for his own good but it's like last year: it's really hard to have a crush on someone you never see. I suppose I can still appreciate his good-looking-ness, though. AND HE STILL ONLY SEEMS NICE ENOUGH. Like I know nothing about him. He told me more the night he was tipsy than he has at any other period of time.

AND THEN tonight the space-club-satellite-thing I joined is going to have a general assembly, followed by dinner out at some place and then laser tag. I'm debating not going to dinner because I have a meal already paid for downstairs that I could go eat right now, but... I dunno. Laser tag sounds like fun but everyone will hate me if I just sit around and don't eat while they're eating WHAT DO YOU GUYS HALP. Maybe I'll just eat now- I don't want to have to buy supper, as lame as that sounds... yeah that sounds really lame, wow- and then be like "oops I forgot can I just awkwardly tag along and not eat because I have eaten already I WANT TO PLAY LASER TAG." Although it's going to be hella late by the time we get back from all that... ungh. What to do, what to do.
I think I'll go. If everyone hates me for eating early, then they're lame butts because why pay for more food when I have already paid for this food that I should eat that is healthy etc. Also I'll be way too hungry to wait until 8, when the general assembly is done.


yer pal,
swegan :S

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I am far too young to have chronic back pain like this. My right shoulder is constantly bothering me. I think it might be because that's the shoulder I always put my backpack onto first, and it was the shoulder I always carried my backpack on if I carried it on one shoulder for a little ways. Either way there's a permanent knot there. Mom managed to work it out on the weekend (which was so nice, weirdly enough, since I hate back rubs) and I've been trying to keep it at bay ever since. I have this foam roller thing, maybe 6 or 8 inches in diameter (DON'T JUDGE ME FOR USING INCHES GUISE), and when you lie your spine along it and hold your arms out to the sides it's like HOLY I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE MUSCLES GOT STIFF. And then when you sit back up again, you can't help but stand up straighter. It's wonderful. Unfortunately I look a bit weird when using it so I can't actually use it with enough room for my arms unless my roommate's out. It's just so nice when you feel your muscles stop being tense and just relax.... it's a bit painful, yes, but in that way of stretching where if you just do it gradually it feels really nice after a while.
Mostly I needed to stretch my legs, though. They keep crapping out on me halfway to school. My knees, of course, are being little butts. I want to run so badly but I CAN'T BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY KNEES.

Anyway, that's about as much exercise as I get in. Stretching probably doesn't promote weight loss, but hey, I'm not trying to lose weight so I guess that solves that problem. It's just good for me to stretch out all my muscles, from my arms to my shoulders to my neck to my stomach to my legs. Ahhhhhhh....

I should probably get back to studying now. I have a philosophy test tomorrow and I'm freaking out a little bit... last time I started re-reading my notes on the weekend. This time, I haven't even looked at my old notes until today. Heh heh... well I can probably still pull another A- or whatever it is I got last time (does an 84 qualify as an A-? I thought it was a B-. HOW DO LETTER GRADES WORK I DO NOT UNDERSTAND) (oh look I googled it and one of the results was for my university... do not underestimate the power of google, my friends. Between my lab manual and that, it's all that's letting me pass my chem labs with the stellar grades I somehow get.

Oh okay so I did get an A-, and then I got a B on my chem quiz which is good considering how stressed I was about that, and I've been getting A+ on all my math assignments. Yay. We'll see how my midterms go... hahahahahahahaha bio midterm, more like "I sure hope you remember all the terms we've thrown at you which is like 20 per set of notes on average and also you should remember all those latin/greek root words for etymologies HAVE FUN KIDDIES" WHY AM I MAJORING IN THIS YOU GUYS IT'S SO HARD UGH
My prof said today though that that's because we have to learn how to speak biology so maybe things will get a little less term-heavy as I go into higher and higher levels of bio. Ugh, I hope so. Bio still seems like the easiest thing to major in to me though. I mean like... English major... how about no, too many essays. And no to chem as well, since even my PROF today was like "if you think atomic orbitals are hard wait until we get to molecular orbitals" and I was like "CHEM PROF NOOOOOO :'(" EVERYTHING IS HARD AUHRAOUENGOUAEHTAOUNGUSHGUGHUAHF

Whatever it's just this one semester and next semester will be very interesting since I am taking astrophysics and I am just now realizing the physics part of that might mean it's a very very very bad idea and so I'm like "do I just tough it out or should I switch out or what if all the other classes I want are gone and I have to take something dumb or something with a lab like *PANICKING NOISES*" But I am taking women's studies next semester... I switched that from a night class to be right after my labs, which might have been a bad idea, but whatever. I like this semester but of course the next one will be worse. I mean that was the only other time I could take it that fit, because astrophysics is only offered at one time which is stupid b/c it's like 3 pm like what the fuck I wanted to be done early. UGH I HAVE MATH AT 9 MWF AND THEN THREE FUCKING HOURS WITH NOTHING TO DO FOLLOWED BY BIO FOLLOWED BY AN HOUR OF NOTHING FOLLOWED BY ASTROPHYSICS NO I DON'T LIKE THIS WHY DID I DO THAT
I guess that's going to be prime homework time now. Either that or I could come home and take a nap for 25 minutes (half an hour leads to sleep inertia- not a good idea) (no seriously there's a whole science behind naps like there's videos and charts and shit it's very legit u guise) or I could just POWER HOMEWORK in the library or something.

It should be said about me that I like it best when I can go to class, get it done, and go home and work and be done. I don't like having it so that I work and then go to class. That's all wrong and backwards and *unhappy noises* noooooo.

Well I guess it's only one semester and it approaches summer so unlike this one, it will get warmer out as things get stressful. I suppose I'll fall into my schedule too. I feel like that guy from The Outsider (also known as The Stranger, by Albert Camus) who's like "mother said you can get used to almost anything" and I mean I'm still not in engineering so life isn't that bad. God, I'm so glad I didn't take engineering. WAY. TOO. MUCH. MATHY STUFF. Like I'm not the kind of person who can think something up in their head and then create it using math as a tool like no.

What am I going to do with my life. Sigh. I'm pretty sure a BSc in bio means I can do a) research, 2) medicine, or c) teach (well I mean I'd have to get more degrees for that but you see my point like I'd have to get my MD to do medicine obvs). NONE OF THESE OPTIONS APPEAL TO ME WHAT DO??

I suppose for now I should stop getting so ahead of myself and just focus on today, like studying for philosophy and doing my stupid english project.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Saturday, October 12, 2013

So yeah it's good to be home and all

but at the same time being home feels like going back in time and it's meshing uncomfortably with all that's happened in the last month and a half. I was a little homesick, sure, but the place I was staying was so nice and my classes are so reasonably challenging and the weather was so beautiful that I kind of miss that place now. I mean... I guess there's good here and there. Here I can eat when it's convenient for me and I can take as much or as little as I feel like I could reasonably eat. I can wear my short-shorts and Mamma Mia t-shirt out to the kitchen and just sit there and pet the dog and enjoy my breakfast. My bed is bigger, which is weird now because I'm not used to that anymore and I kind of like being able to bundle myself up in that room; I like being able to watch light enter the sky again in the morning, I like that room. I like that there's a Safeway a block away so if I want to buy snacks, I can (I mean within the limitations of my budget of course) and no one is around to judge me. THOSE LITTLE HERSHEY'S DROPS THINGS ARE MY KRYPTONITE I SWEAR TO GOD LIKE I WILL NEVER BE SICK OF THEM.

I like university, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. I like having time to myself and I like being responsible for my own life and getting myself places on time and I like that I walk lots so I'm in a better mood most of the time and I like the cute boys, I love that they're everywhere. I love that I decide how to manage my time now. I love that it's my life, I just love it. I mean yes my parents have been very supportive and helped out a lot more than I think I give them credit for, and I love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them, but holy adulthood, this is fun. I'm probably doing everything wrong and I don't even care. At least I'm the one who's doing it wrong. At least I'm making my own decisions. I dunno. It's just nice, the independence I have now. And I know now that to stay behind would have been the wrong decision for me. I mean, I miss my friends so much but I have been talking with all of them a lot. It feels too early to say so, but I think a lot of the friendships I made in high school will last for quite some time. And I want them to. I want to be friends with people like Lucy and Vince and Omnia and Haurie and Artifex and so many people who don't even have nicknames, such sacrilege, because I like them as people and they're just great and GAH, FRIENDS.

I guess home feels more like I'm part of a family again. University feels like just me. Which makes me sound incredibly selfish but no, what I mean is that I get to make my own life and it's a lot of fun. I'm sure this is still the easy part, but so what, we all get there in our own time. I'm not a fan of people being like "well you're only in high school that's just the easy stuff" like no fuck you they can't help that they were born later they'll get to the hard stuff later okay. Like yes being a university student is probably easy compared to other things in life but jesus fucking christ who even cares I have to start somewhere, don't I?
Considering bumping up my degree, though. I should have learned... I can always downgrade from an honors or specialization degree, but now I have to keep my grades high to upgrade to one, ugh. WHY DIDN'T I JUST APPLY FOR HONORS LIKE I HAD THE MARKS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Whatever. I guess as long as I do something with my general science degree in biology (the fine arts degree of the sciences, I swear to god) that's better than nothing. Also I could do grad school if I wanted, but that sounds very intimidating and like a lot of hard work and just no. Then again maybe it will sound different after I finish a bachelor's degree.

I had a thought about that the other day. Why is it a bachelor's degree? And then I thought back to the sexist days of the long-ago past (not to say that sexism doesn't still exist b/c it does just not in the same ways) when women weren't allowed to get an education and I thought "oh so maybe when young men were young bachelors they would go and get degrees, and that's why they're called bachelor's degrees, and then later when they were the masters of their household if they wanted to go back and get more education they would have a master's degree" and I'm not even sure if that's how it works but that makes a lot of sense to me. I'd love to be able to get a bachelorette's degree. Why don't they let you do that?
Although I suppose now it's more "undergraduate degree" and "graduate degree" than it is "bachelor's degree" and "master's degree", which is pleasingly gender-neutral and more up-to-date since, y'know, people don't have to get a degree right away. Getting a degree is optional (although I'm guessing it's way more common nowadays which just bums me out b/c that means more competition and I'm like UGH WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE SPECIAL I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WTF) and it's also a huge fucking privelege in terms of the world. Isn't it something like "if the world were a village of 100 people only 1 would have a university degree" like shit I AM PART OF THE 1% OF THE WORLD THAT IS GETTING A UNIVERSITY EDUCATION HOLY SHIT also why do we put "an" before words that start with vowels like "an apple" or "an eggplant" or "an example" but when you do it with university, "an university" is wrong?? u was a vowel last time I checked. Damn the English language, and thank god I'm a native speaker.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, October 10, 2013


/start angry blog rant
Don't ship real people unless they're already together and if you're going to do it because it seems like they like each other then don't fucking tell them about it pls and thank you it is very frustrating the end
/end angry blog rant
*Note: I had a longer post and decided it wasn't a good idea. Freckles and Vince are currently shipping me and this guy I had a conversation with today and whom I sometimes talk to in philosophy.

yer pal,
swegan >:(

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

But before I homework, a little analysis

This has been brought up by talking with Vince today about my eternal frustration with cute guys, or more specifically, the cute guy in the apartment below. (I would take away his nickname, but shit, an orchid is a pretty flower and he is a pretty boy, so it fits) (maybe that's how I came up the nickname maybe it isn't THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW). She pointed out that it kind of sounds like I only really like Orchid because he is cute (shit guys he is adorable it is frustrating), and she kind of has a point. I mean, he seems like a decent person, unlike butthead from 7th grade (yes, butthead). Freckles said "he seems mean" but I don't think he is. He's just shy, I guess.
So I've decided that... well, I guess I can appreciate his adorableness, because he's hella cute, but I will do so in a way that is like the way I appreciate other cute guys I see on campus, and holy shit they are everywhere. But the point is, I don't know any of them, so I can't really claim to like them.
Then I told her about the guy who's in my bio 108 class who talks to me sometimes when we're both downstairs for a meal at the same time, and how it's much easier to talk to him and how he actually, y'know, acknowledges my presence. I mean, yes, he's nice, and easy to talk to, but I'm not attracted to him. Same thing with Grag. I really appreciate it when guys put some effort into their appearance- I mean like obviously everyone has hoodie days, and some people are more comfortable living in hoodies, and that's fine and dandy, but it's not what I'm attracted to. I don't think people should dress in a way that I deem appropriate, but when guys do put effort into their appearance it is nice. I mean, I put effort into my appearance, excepting hoodie days, so I don't think it's unfair to expect people to do that in order for me to be attracted to them.
And that's the problem again. Grag is super nice, and he's easy to talk to, and he makes philosophy a lot less boring, but I'm not attracted to him.
And then I reflected on my past. I have had many, many hopeless crushes in the past, but I think I really boil any romantic history I have down to two: 7th grade, and my relationship with Nerd.
In 7th grade, I remember exactly how I made the decision to like asshole mcbuttface, and it was not a good or rational decision making process at all. And the fact that I have to tell people about things made it worse, because he and his asshole mcbuttface friends decided that it would be fun to pick on me and try and make me miserable because I was this short little girl who looked like she was 8, got some of the best grades in the class, and had dared to have a crush on someone she thought was cute. That crush sustained through a lot of stuff it should not have sustained through and was just a giant horribly bad idea.
9th grade was very different. Nerd and I became friends first, and over time as groups of friends changed, we began to hang out more and more, and I grew to like him because he was nice to me, because I had fun when I was around him, and honestly, because there were some signs there that he liked me as well. That turned out... well, not-so-great, but it was a learning experience. I mean, I don't know if it was for him, but it was for me because I decided even though things didn't go so well I at least ought to get something out of it. As time went by I began to see more and more of what I had done wrong or could have done better, and now I know and can do better the next time I have a romantic relationship, and I also know what I expect out of someone for next time as well. He did things wrong, too, and I'm not going to say who did more wrong because really that doesn't accomplish much and also I'm probably a bit biased. Initially I blamed 99% of everything on him, and some of that didn't change... actually most of it didn't. I just came to realize I had done some of the things I blamed him for, too. Thankfully we were both mature enough about it to put it behind us and move on.

So based on these two incidences, I would say that liking Orchid is a very, very bad idea. Maybe if I get to know him better in the future. Until then, I will have to wait and see how my other new relationships turn out. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I honestly don't think he's a shitty person, but I don't know that.
Either way, he's fun to talk to when he's drunk, so there's that. Actually a lot of drunk people are fun to talk to, as long as they don't overstep their boundaries.


yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

This has been bugging me all day

But it was a good day, don't get me wrong. I finished my chem post-lab, I just have to copy it out now, and I'm almost done my next chem pre-lab (this is good b/c it's less to do on the weekend- which, being thanksgiving, is time I want to spend with my family, NOT doing homework) (also y'know I have to try and see Artifex and apparently also Omnia is coming home for Thanksgiving so I want to see her too AND MY PUPPY I WANT TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME PETTING HER AND KISSING HER AND GIVING HER LOVE OMG). We got two assignments for English instead of one, but one is to write a 1-2 page fable/ folk-story thing with an explicit moral. Of course the minute she gave us that assignment, my first thought was "Feminism. This story is going to be dripping in it. I am going to marinade my folk tale in feminism and leave it in the fridge the night before." I immediately thought of a tumblr post ( , Ashley Clements is seriously the best just like she's a feminist and she's a great actress and she just seems like such a nice person based on her tumblr and other stuff and just SO MUCH ADMIRATION SHE IS COOL K), but then I decided that wasn't really fair to use the same words and premise and wording that she used; ie. that would be some internet-form of plagiarism. But then, I figure maybe I can generalize an idea but still have feminism be blatantly obvious within the story. I'll figure it out. It'll be fun!
She didn't give us a topic for our papers, though. We just have to pick something. Which I almost hate more than being assigned a stupid topic. At least with a stupid topic I just have to find a way to make X work. Here I have to find an X first and this means halfway through the planning process I might (and I've learned to expect that I will) decide that my idea is stupid and scrap it.

OKAY BUT FOR THE BUGGING THING. Went down to eat early this morning b/c I had my 8 AM chem lab, and there was a table of a couple guys down there- the usual early morning crowd (2 of them are engineers so no wonder they're up early) (and one of the engineers was- you guessed it- orchid). Orchid made some comment about how it was still dark out, and I agreed. I said later "It's almost too dark out" which I actually realized might be a bad thing, and then I said "I kinda don't want to walk alone, it's so dark" or something like that. And NO ONE AT THE TABLE SAID ANYTHING. Like c'mon, guys. Seriously. I would have been fine with either of the other two being like "Oh I have an early class too, I'll walk with you if you want" like jesus, but no, nobody said anything and as I went back upstairs to brush my teeth I was like "you're all fat little turds" except not out loud.
And then over dinner (it was perogy night again... ugh. Perogy night means I am eating perogies and nothing else, b/c there's no vegetables and no meat (if you're lucky you might get a couple pieces of sausage in your saurkraut) (did I spell saurkraut right?) and so it's ALL PEROGIES and just noo, I need something else. I'm quickly getting sick of perogies) I was just minding my own business, sitting with the party group (I would call them the "party posse" but for some reason I feel as if they would find that cheap and lame) (although y'know to be fair they are good students who work hard and are also really nice, friendly people like they don't JUST party but they do it a lot more than I thought people did so that's why they're the party group the end) and I look over to find mr. pretty boy looking up at me under his pretty pretty-boy eyelashes and I'm like NO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T GET TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT YOU FAT LITTLE TURD I GAVE YOU AN OPENING THIS MORNING UGH but not out loud, of course. That fat little turd. I mean, come on, could I have been more obvious? Jesus! Stupid orchid and his stupid under-the-eyelashes glances (although I should mention up to this point those kind of glances were something I'd only read about and I didn't actually believe they were real but they are very real) (and very annoying in that they unnerve me greatly) and his stupid not-getting-the-hint AND THOSE OTHER FAT LITTLE TURDS AT BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

Seriously, though, I'm not that mad- I realize now I sound pissed about it. I'm more sort of jokey-mad, like it's funny to be mad. I dunno. I'm exaggerating- that's what I mean. I mean fat little turd is a term my friends and I use to refer to each other (I called Vince a "fat loser" as a joke last year and she thought I said "fat little turd" so it just stuck).

Speaking of that... I called someone in my chem lab a fat little turd today as a joke and I had to explain it, hahaha. There were three of us standing by the fume hood, stirring out copper solutions as the copper was turned into solid copper via the addition of zinc strips. One guy (my bench partner, actually) had been there for a while and quickly learned you have to add a lot more zinc strips, so he had a whole handful. The other girl and I had to go grab more, but he just gave us some from his handful, and we began a running joke-commentary on how he was our "zinc dealer" and it was just really funny. He left to get more and he was like "I know you guys need your zinc fix" and I was like "Yeah man, like c'mon, you're my supplier, where's the zinc" and he complained later about how hard it was to be a zinc dealer, always having to make zinc runs,and how it was just a little that got you hooked (i.e. before you needed more and more b/c some of the copper was being a butt and not precipitating) and I dunno, it was just fun.
Also- fun story. Later, I was still stirring my solution, and it looked kind of gray. So I shouted "why is it gray?!" (but you know, it wasn't really a shout but it was loud) and some guy from somewhere else in the lab shouted back "because you killed it!" and I was like "nooooo!" and he was like "you killed chemistry!" which was slightly less funny but I still just liked that "because you killed it line" like thank you, random person from my chem lab.

AND one other thing.
Today I was mulling again over something this girl said in 8th grade- don't worry, it's not petty. She was talking out loud and said "No sentence is 100% true" and my teacher laughed and said "except that one" and she was a girl who was never really nice to me, so since that day I have occasionally pulled that thought out and tried to prove her wrong.
And I realized in philosophy the other day, we do have a sentence that is 100% true- "I exist." Also, "I think." So I was like "HA YOU ARE WRONG." And then for some reason I thought she was right again, but I realize now that nope, I proved her wrong, and for some reason I am very happy about this. Proving people you dislike wrong is great. Unfortunately that means I also proved the teacher wrong, and I like that teacher, as a teacher and a person (I SHOULD EMAIL HER BUT as I have learned twice in life now, teachers are notoriously bad at responding to personal emails. I'm assuming it's because they've got lots of other email to deal with and are just busy in general). But, oh well. That girl was wrong and she wasn't a very nice person to people she didn't deem "cool" so hahaha on you.

Alrighty. It's late. I need to sleep now procrastinate on the internet until I realize I should really get some sleep.

OOH BUT ONE LAST THING: The team that did the LBD (Lizzie Bennet Diaries- search it on YouTube. Also can I just say that that series won an Emmy so it is good and that is some proof) is now doing another Jane Austen adaptation- Emma Approved (also search it on YouTube). It's good so far; I love Emma and I think they've adapted her perfectly. AND IT'S THE SAME EMMY-AWARD WINNING TEAM BEHIND THE SCENES SO YEAH IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE TOTES GOOD SO YOU SHOULD WATCH IT AND LOVE IT WITH ME (well and lots of other people). So. Watch that. Pls.

Actually though I'm so happy to just have another web series to keep up with (I mean, besides "The Autobiography of Jane Eyre" which is a similar thing to LBD but done by different people- it is also excellent in its own adorable way and also on YouTube so search that too yes). It was so fun keeping up with LBD episodes last year; watching them in the back of history class and screaming embarrassingly loudly at Ep. 98, that was the best. And my embarrassingly incredibly overdone to the stupid dumb ending of the LBD, which is still the most frustrating thing I have experienced to date. NO. YOU CANNOT END IT LIKE THAT, YOU FAT LITTLE EMMY-WINNING TURDS.

anyway, goodnight.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 6, 2013



Okay so I know last time my roommate brought a guy back they just ended up talking (apparently they had been dancing together most of the night), but then this morning I heard a male voice. So I opened the door and hers was open only a crack and I could hear a guy's voice. They were just chatting, laughing about things, talking about people or something. I couldn't tell whose voice exactly, but... let's just say I'm kind of a mess in terms of this whole crush thing this weekend b/c Friday night got me all wound up.

I don't want to be a jealous green monster and honestly I could kind of tell who it didn't sound like but shit I don't know. So I went out to throw something away, hoping she'd be like "oh that's my roommate" and, y'know, TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON. But nope. She's gone, he's gone, everyone's gone. Brunch doesn't start for another 25 minutes so I don't have an explanation.

Guh. I hate not knowing what's going on. I'm so confused and just... 25 more minutes and I can go downstairs and eat. and then after that I'll get started on my homework (there was no new glee, but there was a new HIMYM so I watched that and teared up a bit at Lily's speech, feeling all the feels of that wonderful show). I'm still a mess and I think brunch with people- any people from the building, god, anyone at all- will be just the thing to straighten me out and put me back in order. I'm so lonely, honest. Maybe I should have gone out last night, but I was too much of a mess to do that. I'm just a mess. God, I need to go back to class again. Class always gives me more practical things to focus on, like calc and plants and atoms and skepticism and books. Also I should probably go outside and walk around. There's that cute little suburb area by the rink, and really just everywhere around here is gorgeous with the trees and the air and the smell.

It's been a long weekend.

yer pal,
swegan :\

UPDATE: It was the same guy from before, and again (as I thought), nothing happened. She said I'd have to come out to a country bar sometime. I think it could be fun. That won't be for a couple of weeks, though (since I go home for thanksgiving).
I just really need to know what other people were doing last night. The curiosity is killing me.

UPDATE: Brunch was... interesting. Got down there early and ate with some other people in the building, though the nervous energy was driving me insane. Soon enough the people I went out with Friday and some of the other people they usually go out with came down, and I spent the rest of brunch eating my muffin slowly, bouncing my feet up and down like a crazy person, and finally I just decided I couldn't eat anything else and basically booked it up two flights of stairs until I got tired and walked the rest of the way and then I vacuumed and now I am much calmer. It's a relief. I feel like whatever was inside of me- that pent up nervous energy- is gone. Now, I can focus. I feel so zen.


And and and

I am not always good at remembering birthdays. I apologize for this.

Anyway, last night was interesting. I'm pretty sure I lost my mind and I'm not sure yet if I've found it again. I asked my roommate who was going out, and she listed off a bunch of people, none of whom was orchid, and then I looked out my window later as I was trying to close it and I saw that his light was still on. So my inference was that he didn't go out, which is extremely fucking suspicious because I said I wasn't gonna go out. Although I'm thinking maybe he just left his light on because I thought I heard him and my roommate come up here late last night and then leave again or something, I'm not sure, I just know I heard a boy's voice. Roommate's still asleep so I'll ask her about her night later.

Ugh, I have to do math today. Ugh. UGH. NO. But I'll do it first so I have the most time to work on it. And I"m definitely going down to brunch at 11:30 sharp, and you all know why, and it's because I'm slowly going crazy, 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch. I swear to god, last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep and I decided to go over the events of the day and previous night to summarize things and I completely lost my train of thought remembering how orchid kept saying "but you're the birthday girl!" DO YOU SEE HOW HORRIBLE THIS IS I AM FREAKING OUT OVER SOMETHING AS INCONSEQUENTIAL AS A BOY YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT OKAY PLS HELP. I should not be that distracted by the way he says words. That is just nuts. Crazy. INSANE.

See this is my problem: when I like someone, I LIKE someone, and I can't help myself. Hopefully Monday will cause me to see things more clearly.
Although speaking of Monday... give me a sec to grab my horrorscope that Freckles sent me (she gets to read the 17 magazines that are being sent home still while I am not living at home.

Although I haven't had any funny FB exchanges so uh... we'll see about that.
And for the record: I don't believe in horrorscopes, but I like the good ones anyway. I like to pretend I believe in them when they're this good.
Monday, October 7th, here I come!

Also right now I am going to watch glee and then do math and then go eat. Also I should probably put on, y'know, clothes that aren't pajamas (I am wearing my hot pink/neon yellow short-shorts. I love these shorts but I have a feeling other people will not appreciate them as much).

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, October 5, 2013

It's been one of those insanely good days for no reason

Like I woke up this morning super tired and my roommate wasn't back. So I went down for breakfast- guess who I ran into on the elevator as it stopped on the third floor? Yes, that's right. So inside I was cackling like "HAHAHA TOTALLY PICKED A GOOD TIME TO GO DOWN AND EAT" and then everyone else from last night was down there too, so it was even better. My roommate came back after and I told her about my night- she just said hers was "interesting" and settled down to homework. I did too, and then I had a meeting for this satellite project thing I joined (I am an assistant project manager, you guys! I'm all official and legit! Kinda-sorta) and got to meet the other assistant project manager and go over stuff, like how they do documentation and use all these different internet programs to organize things. The other assistant is super nice, which is good because I think that means I'll be able to work with him easily. We already have a task to get started on, and then apparently I get to find out about the finances of the group and how they work later with the actual project manager. Honestly, it all sounds so dull when I talk about it but really it's very interesting and what they're doing is so... awesome. Like they're building a satellite to send into space, and they're being very professional about it- proper documentation, organizing the group and giving it a hierarchy, holding regular meetings, using these programs to assign tasks and make charts and set things up... it's admirable. It's also a very daunting task so I think they're really thankful for the new recruits. I'm really glad I went to clubs fair and saw the booth and signed up for it.
I came home- I don't know where my roommate is, she's gone again (this seems to happen a lot, but she is a bit more social than I am and she only came home and woke me up at 3 AM once because she forgot her keys (and she was very sorry about it the next day, so, y'know, she's responsible))- and went down for dinner right at 5. I've learned if I go down early I can get all the food while it's hot and fresh and just YUM. Plus there's usually still chocolate milk in the milk machine, and also most of the people I like to sit with go down pretty early for supper. This means I don't have to sit alone.
PLUS guess who caught the elevator up with me? Heck yes, that's right. He also asked if I had any plans tonight. I said no, after last night (not that it was terribly cray or anything) I just needed a break. And I guess I could go out again, but I feel like I shouldn't. I'm planning on trying to have a bit more alcohol than 1 drink when I go home next weekend, when I am in the company of my family and in the safety of my home, just so I can see what it feels like. I learned what it tastes like and what it does to other people last night (and beer still tastes like vomit to me so I don't understand why people drink it like wow that is DISGUSTING)), but I was too scared to find out what it did to me. Orchid did say "come on! Let's do a shot!" at one point, to which I vehemently shook my head. He kept calling me "the birthday girl" too, although nobody else did, and for some reason it sounded really nice when he said it.
Also I should mention the fact that he was asking about my plans kind of sounded to me like "'Cause if you are I'll tag along" which I don't know if it was but I don't know, augh.
Wow do I sound pathetic or what? Geez. I kind of am, but people make idiots out of themselves in the name of people they're attracted to all the time. I dunno. I feel like it's lame for me to get this crazy over one guy but at the same time I feel like everyone does this, gets crazy over one person they like, and falls asleep at night overanalyzing everything and just... I think it's a human experience. Which validates it for me. IT IS OKAY TO BE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE. The important thing is that this... crush (god I feel like I'm 13 when I use that word) is just one thing in my life, amidst all this other stuff like all the new friends I'm making, the satellite project, Amnesty International meetings (I seriously need to start volunteering for stuff in there, I don't feel like I'm doing anything), all the books I'm reading, and school. I'm keeping busy, but not so busy that I'm tired all the time. I'm making sure to take time for me, too, since I know that's important. Oh, and I'm trying to do things like vacuum and take out the garbage and stuff, because my roommate keeps doing that and I feel bad about it. I need to step up and start doing some work.

Speaking of my roommate, I wonder where she went... Maybe back to whatever hotel her friend is staying at (her friend's birthday was the day after mine so she went out with her, which was totally fine with me- I would have done the same thing). I dunno. I'm not her mother, I'm not going to check up on her all the time. I'm assuming she has her keys and she's out doing whatever she's doing. She'll be fine. She's more used to the world than I am.

I should probably do some math, but I'm being lazy and I totally don't want to. Kind of just feel like curling up with my book and finishing it. The main character in the book appears to be reacting to Italy the same way I reacted to Ireland, so that's interesting, and really great to read. I'm glad to hear it's a human thing to fall in love with a country for absolutely no logical reason. I may not like their overly-religious-not-very-feminist-or-fair stance on abortion, but the history is so... so... and the countryside. God, the countryside. I still remember when we descended through the clouds and they gave way and I saw the ground for the first time and how my first thought was I love it. It's beautiful and I love it. No other country has ever made me feel that way. I just love Ireland, okay you guys? Also I will go to riverdance again if it's the last thing I do.

My hands are slowly drying out, as is my knowledge of math, so I should probably deal with that.

yer pal,
swegan :)



But I still had a lot of fun.

CONTEXT: Some people in the building (mostly people I met through my roommate) took me out to a couple of bars because my 18th was a couple days ago. They pre-drank and I'm pretty sure what I had was a cooler. It tasted like orange starburst and was pretty much the only drink I had- even though we played quarters (I think it was quarters? We were spinning quarters and slamming down beer cans anyway; it was fun) (and I was REALLY GOOD AT SPINNING THE QUARTERS YOU GUYS). Everyone else went through a few beers, and I took such tiny sips that I don't even think I finished my drink.
That was also fun because I was sitting straight across the table from Orchid and we kept glancing at each other and I was like BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE FUCK YES. I am done with trying to not like him, I have the most pathetic crush in the world. Although I do think I kind of managed to flirt a little bit, but that was later.

Lucy was supposed to come over, but she called almost as soon as I went down to join them in pre-drinking to say that she didn't think it was a good idea to go out onto the street we were going out on, that she didn't think it was safe for my first time, and that she didn't feel safe going. I was pretty upset by that, but she offered to take me out tomorrow or Sunday. I'm going to have to pass, because I don't think I can handle going out two nights in a row, and it was super not-cool of her to bail on me last minute. I mean, I realize I didn't really tell her where we were going until the last minute because I didn't even know until the last minute, but she still had like a whole hour to text and say "I don't think that's a good idea."

After that I called mom and had decided not to go out, but after playing some drinking games I was feeling a little less bummed out, so I did decide to go out. Of course mom made me tell her who I was going out with and where I was going and made me give her the number of one of the girls I was going out with and said if she didn't hear from me by one she was calling the police. It was ridiculous. I mean, I appreciate that mom cares about me and worries about me, but, y'know, I am legally an adult now. I could still recite the alphabet backwards without stopping- which I think qualifies me as totally sober enough to make the decision to go out. It's not like she was going to be able to stop me. It was kind of nice to think that.

Anyway, the first bar we went to the bouncer looked at my ID, then did a double take to make sure I was 18, and then wished me a happy birthday. The music in there was so loud omg, and eventually one of the girls I came in with told the bartender I was the DD and wanted a drink that wasn't alcoholic but looked like it was. I think what I got was a fake margarita, and it was disgusting- I shit you not, it tasted like vomit. One of the guys who came out- not orchid- downed the rest of it as we left. I told him later it was non-alcoholic, and he said he could guess.

We went to stand in line at another place after that- I tried to talk to Orchid as much as I could on these walks to places; he and I usually ended up walking behind the other three we went out with and he was tipsy so he talked more than usual. God, he's adorable when he's tipsy.
Anyway the second bar we went to we had to wait in line behind a group of like 10 smokers, but eventually we got in and sat down; the two guys played a few rounds of buck hunter, and then the girls took me to the dance floor. It was fun, although some drunk guy tried to hug me and was like "you know this song!" and so I pushed him off, and he looked at me awkwardly and then tried again, so one of the girls took my hand and spun me away. It was so... I don't know the word, clever maybe, what she did. I was impressed. Then later this extremely creepy guy in a suit jacket was staring at that same girl, and her friend had to spin her away, and then he kept staring at me and so I shook my head, but he just kept staring at me and I tried to zip up my coat, feeling uncomfortable (jesus I was in a pink Darth Vader t-shirt), so he started trying to button up his jacket, and eventually I convinced the girls that we had to move because I was seriously uncomfortable. I've never felt more like a piece of meat in my life, and even after I shook my head no at him! No means no, you fucking asshole.
He followed us over, but there were other people in the way. I think he may have tried to grope some girls after that, and then we had started talking to some also-drunk guy who seemed significantly less creepy, and then they walked me back over to where orchid and the other guy were sitting, and I sat there with them.
As that was happening, after the girls went back to dance, suddenly there were seven security guards pinning some guy to the floor in the middle of the bar. I didn't get a good look, but I saw a flash of his wrist and the suit jacket and I thought, oh my god, it's the creepy guy. Security escorted him out and I felt much better after that. Although the other guy (wow I feel bad not giving him or the girls a nickname- they'll probably get nicknames in the future, but right now I'm too tired to think of any) and orchid were super not-drunk-at-all, so they just kind of sat there and looked depressed. I tried not to look really creepy as I snuck un-subtle glances but god fucking damn you guys I told you this crush was pathetic. *buries head in hands* ugh. I try, I promise.
Shortly after that we went home, although the girls went back to the first place so I walked back with the two guys. We had a nice conversation, and I think I may have called orchid "adorable" at one point (he was telling us what he thought of canada as a kid, okay? It was adorable). I think that was the extent of me attempting to flirt.

Anyway. Now I'm at home, ears feeling like they're full of cotton, stomach a bit sloshy, teeth freshly brushed to remove the taste of the non-alcoholic margarita. God, that was so gross.
And I don't know why, but I had so much fun. Just going out and being able to go out and order drinks if I wanted and drink if I wanted and just... it was so new for me and I was enthralled by all of it. It was a good time. Plus, now I'm not so scared of alcoholic bevarages (it seriously took me a half hour to work myself up to having the first sip. I'm not kidding you. I was petrified). Orchid did try to convince me to do a shot though- everyone was like "you're the birthday girl, you're allowed to be wasted!" and I was just like "yeah but this is my first time having alcohol so um yeah nope." They kept trying to devise plans to get me even a little tipsy. I don't even think I was buzzed. I felt so sober the whole time, although at the beginning of the night I felt proxy-drunk-- I was acting drunk even though I wasn't, because everyone else was (sort of).

I feel like such a young adult. Definitely won't be doing that tomorrow night, though. Or probably very frequently. I'll have to work my way up to having more alcohol (I do not want to get wasted. That does not sound like fun. I don't even want to be drunk. I think I'll settle for tipsy, just to see what it's like). I came home and drank an entire glass of water and had 2 advil, as per my dad's instructions. I feel fine now. A bit tired, a bit desperate, but fine. Seriously debating telling my roommate (crap I didn't give her a nickname either, I need to do that) (Lily maybe?) (i dunno) that I have the most pathetic crush in the world on Orchid, though. Although I'm not sure what she'd do about it. I'm afraid it would be weird. We'll see what happens.

All in all- a great adventure. I'm really glad I went out.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

It's been a good day

Like for example I ran into cute-guy-from-the-apartment-below-me when I went to safeway to get my club card today and we walked back to the building together and up the stairs and I may or may not have done that thing where you're behind someone on the stairs and you awkwardly notice their butt because it's like right there and I was like oops shit now this is awkward. But the walk itself was pleasant. Also I am still not sure if he thinks I'm creepy or not.

And on the way home after philosophy (during which I slyly looked over at Open Studies Major Guy's paper to learn his name (we got our papers back, btw. I got 84 so I am very happy) (oh also I got 77 on my chem quiz so yay to that as well)) I walked like an extra block east down this gorgeous tree-lined street covered- and I mean COVERED- in leaves and there was this cat and I stopped to say hi to it and it meowed and rubbed itself against my legs and it was really cute and nice even though I was allergic to it. It is the bane of my existence that cats like me and I am allergic to them.

And I just turned south after that and walked the rest of the way home along these beautiful suburban streets like omg the houses and trees and just IT'S SO PRETTY so I have to do more exploring now. There's lots of suburbia around me but I don't see a lot of it b/c I mostly just walk to school and back and that's it. Campus is pretty, but those little streets are magical.

I also gave myself a lazy afternoon b/c I did hella homework yesterday. I would have gone out and walked but it was getting late by the time I decided I was done with homework for the day. I'm trying to keep up with math and chem b/c those are the hardest subjects... well, and philosophy. Our quiz was really, really easy, so I'm not really taking it as much of an indicator of how I'll do. Although I think I'll pass, so that's good. Also Open Studies Major Guy (he might need a nickname too, I talk to him a lot) (before you start jumping all over this, I don't find him cute, but he's nice to me and funny and I like talking to him) (also I swear to god he has only one outfit in his closet and people like that are always a mystery to me like how do you wash your clothes that often and not have them shrink) walked with me to the edge of campus and I was like "are you heading this way?" pointing the way I was going and he said "well I don't have anything to do... I could follow you home but that would be really creepy" and I was like "yeah" so he just went home. I would have walked around talking to him for a while, but as nice as he seems, I don't know him. I don't exactly think it's a good idea to walk around with some guy I barely know who just seems nice.

And then I ran into cute-guy-from-the-apartment-below-me at dinner also. It has been a day of many sightings of cute-guy-from-the-apartment-below-me.

OHHHH ALSO The girl who sits next to me in bio added me on facebook! FRIEND ACQUIRED HECK YES BECAUSE SHE IS AWESOME YAY!

Okay. Nickname assignment time. I have a few people that I keep mentioning that need a nickname.
girl-who-sits-next-to-me-in-bio: Carina
open-studies-major-guy: Grag (do not ask me how I came up with this one but it is brilliant)
guy-from-english: stegosaurus (stego for short)
cute-guy-from-the-apartment-below-me: Orchid

Do not ask how I come up with my nicknames. They are given and they are eternal. They cannot be changed. They are forever. And they are secret. If you figure out how I came up with your nickname, congrats to you. If you ask, you shall receive no answer. Often because I forgot how I assigned them. That is the way of the blog.

yer pal,
swegan ;)

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

On some level I do like being away from my parents though

Like because mom likes to mom me and that means her suggesting that I go out to the lounge in Earl's the first time I drink instead of a bar and she just... sometimes she has such horribly negative opinions on how a situation will turn out, like if I go out to a bar with my roommate and her friends no one will notice me and when I say "i don't feel good i want to go home" no one will pay attention and it's like THANK YOU, MOTHER, I AM SURE I WILL BE FUCKING FINE AND I WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR OPTIMISM OR AT LEAST NOT PESSIMISM ON THE SUBJECT ALSO.
Jesus fucking christ. She tells me "well, you really shouldn't be doing that dear" every time we have a chat and it's like I don't want to share my life with her now because all she does is tell me what I should be doing and I'm like YOU KNOW WHAT MOM IT'S MY LIFE AND I AM ALLOWED TO MAKE DECISIONS NOW SO HAHAHAHA so if I decide to go out to a bar on my birthday weekend and it turns out to be shitty then it turns out to be shitty, the end. If I go out to Earl's, no one will want to come with me because it will not be anyone's idea of a good time and y'know, I don't give two shits about the alcohol, but I really just want to be out with people. So going to Earl's really doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

I mean obviously I don't really want to drink too much, but I think it's a good idea to see how alcohol affects me at some point. I don't like carbonation so I probably won't like beer, which I guess is a good thing because beer is holy hella calories and I'm just hoping they can respect that I don't want to get hammered, I don't want to get drunk, I don't want to get wasted. I'm just curious, is all. I want to test the waters or whatever. Besides, maybe I'll enjoy the bar scene. How do I even know? I can't hate on it until I've tried it.

I'm hoping to bring Lucy along b/c a) she is one of my best friends and I want to spend time with her, b) she probably will not drink very much either so hopefully the peer pressure won't get to either of us too much, and c) SHE IS AWESOME AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN LIKE AGES. Also she just doesn't seem like the party-er type either- we were both IB nerds back home so we both know how weird it is that everyone's so normal here.

OH ALSO the girl who sits next to me in bio showed up early today, and wished me happy birthday and then said we should go out drinking sometime, since we both can now and inside I was like "YAY DOES THIS MEAN WE ARE FRIENDS BECAUSE YOU ARE COOL AND ALSO YOU SHIP OUR BIO PROF AND TECH GUY WITH ME WHICH IS ALSO AWESOME" but I think it is a good sign, which makes me happy because we get along really well and she is, as aforementioned, pretty dang awesome. I mean, come on, shipping bio prof and tech guy is pretty odd. But that doesn't even matter. Today we discussed ways to get them back together- bio prof showed up looking so sad and we decided that they're not going to get back together on their own. Clearly we have to mess with his notes so that he has to call tech guy. I miss tech guy. I like bio, but the mid-class breaks b/c our prof uses Internet Explorer were nice. (I don't know why tech guy didn't just tell him "omg just use another browser"). ANYWAYS ONTO NORMAL PEOPLE THINGS HAHA.

As far as things go with cute boys, which is basically like in reverse, I am not sure what to make of cute guy who lives in the building and is friends with my roommate. I mean like, he seems okay, but I don't know if he thinks I'm creepy for friend-requesting him (which was, I realize now, not a good idea b/c I didn't know him), or b/c I'm too obvious (srsly I am not that obvious, I am a fully functioning normal human being around him I swear), or if he's just shy or weird or something. He doesn't talk much, but then out of the blue he'll ask me if I have any midterms when we have to ride the elevator together. I am confused. He is cute but there does not seem to be much more than that and the last time I liked a guy solely because he was cute and completely ignored other factors about him it did not turn out well for me so I think I'll set my sights elsewhere instead.

Also I talked to open studies guy yesterday, since he came and sat next to me before philosophy. He seems a little odd, but then so am I. He told me that open studies means he's limited to taking two classes, and he signed up for it b/c he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. My approach to that would have been to just pick a major at random and start taking things (which is kind of what I did)... it seems that taking two classes at a time is not conducive to helping you find what you like. But I can talk to him easily enough, so that's nice. Plus if I miss a class now I could probably ask for his notes or something- it's so good to have a friend in every class. (Well except chem. Sitting in the front row has interesting consequences). And I talked to the guy who sits next to me in English and simultaneously reminds me of 3 people at once. He's nice enough, and we both seem to have the same opinion on the assignments (pretty stupid but what can we do but write them) and just yeah.

ALSO MY MATH MIDTERM LOOKS HELLA SCARY YOU GUYS EVERY SINGLE QUESTION ON THE PRACTICE HAD A ROOT AND TRIGONOMETRY AND e AND A FRACTION AND I WAS LIKE OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS and then the girl who sits next to me in math doodled a girl checking her phone while an octopus-type-monster peered at her from around a corner. She labelled the monster as "midterm" and then above wrote "ignorance is bliss" b/c we had decided to just not look at the practice midterm and psyche ourselves out.

Wow okay I have to go my nails are super long and it's driving me insane. Also... 8 am lab. Ugh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. OH YEAH IT'S MY BIRTHDAY I AM AN ADULT NOW WOOO too bad I spent it all doing homework. Oh well.