Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking back on the things I've done


Couldn't help it.

But I felt that it was necessary to make a list. It's been a big year- mainly because it's the year I became an adult, and that always seems to be a big year of finishing and starting.

1. Got into the university I am now attending
2. Wrote lots of diploma exams
3. Finished my Extended Essay
4. Finished my second Internal Assessment
5. Completed 2 oral exams
6. Received my high school diploma in the mail
7. Travelled to London and France with my school and family
8. Completed 13 World Exams
9. Finished high school
10. Got my IB diploma
11. Travelled to Ireland with my family
12. Got a job in the lab I worked in last year for a second summer
13. Moved away from home to go to university
14. Joined EPASS and was assigned to be an apprentice PM
15. Made a friend in my bio class!
16. Made a friend in my philosophy class (this ties into 18 greatly but they are still separate things)
17. Turned 18.
18. Began a relationship
19. Finished my first semester of university

I realize some of these may seem more important than others, but they're all still big things. 2014 for me looks a lot less eventful- in summary, it will be second semester, job & travel over the summer, and then first semester of second year. Which is fine- it'll be nice to have a year that's less busy so I can focus on working at things and figuring out some more direction for my life. Oh, and learning how to be an adult better. And possibly trying to be active more regularly- especially now that my class schedule doesn't conflict with rec skate times 3 days a week. I realize skating might not be the most intense exercise ever, but it's still something and the closest to flying I can possibly get.

It's been a good year, a learning year, a year of change and growth and doing new things. But I'm still looking forward to a year of slower growth and learning, and adapting. A year of reflection, if you will.

Most of my New Year's resolutions always revolve around trying to be a better person, trying to be kinder to others, to not say mean things, to listen to other people more, and to be fair to myself and others. This year I think I should add that I should commit more to keeping in touch with friends, and that I should do more writing. I've done a bit recently- thinking of doing some more today. Hopefully by the time NaNoWriMo 2014 rolls around, I'll be back in the saddle and ready to win again.
A small thing I'd like to do as well is explore my new city more- the city I'm going to university in- and maybe to learn how to do makeup to a greater extent than I do now. I feel like having that knowledge could be really fun, but I'm still so afraid to try. Oh, and I want to be able to touch my toes with my legs straight. I feel so lame not being able to do that.

However, I'm not setting the goal of "losing weight", for obvious reasons. I just hate that after New Year's, all gyms have these ads out offering discounts to help people "fulfill their New Year's resolutions" or "lose the weight you gained over Christmas." Guess what, not everyone considers getting into better shape to be something to pledge to do in the new year. I've included exercise because it helps with my mood, making me more stable. Also I think it helps me get better sleep and just makes me do better in school in general, probably because of the sleep and endorphins. If I happen to get into better shape as a result, then so be it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Oh, Happy New Year's Eve!

Some days I feel like such a hypocrite

Like on skype, sometimes there's people online that I just don't want to talk to, so I set my status to busy and do something else, and this can be anyone- some days it's everyone, and I just turn skype off, or some days I just want to talk to one particular friend, so I set it to busy and just talk to that person, and then there's some times when people have sent me messages and I have just ignored them and then come back later when I was ready to talk and been like "Jeez, sorry, I didn't see that." Sometimes I have legitimate reasons for doing this, like I've been studying for a while and so I only want to talk to one or two people in the background as a sort of break, but then other times I'm just online and I don't feel like being social. And I feel like that makes me such a bad person.

There are some people who I never even have conversations with anymore. My parents, of course, are always disappointed to hear that I don't talk to people like Omnia much anymore, or even Artifex, and I think the last time I talked to Tudo was on the Europe trip over easter, maybe. And then there's other friends who don't even have a nickname that I've basically stopped talking to altogether, and it's like I still comment on their facebook posts and that feels like a relationship but it's not really.

I did get together with some friends over the break I haven't been talking to regularly, Artifex and Nerd and Tupperware and another friend who doesn't have a nickname on here for some reason (I'm too lazy to make it up now). I was surprised at how well Nerd and I got along- he still makes inappropriate comments, but he's much less condescending and full of himself than he used to be, and there were times at that lunch when he would be telling a story, and Artifex and the other friend (okay seriously she needs a nickname can I call her...Clara, yeah, Clara) (oooh I just realized that's like Clara from the nutcracker, nice) would say something to one another and he would just be talking to me for a second, and it was weird. I guess we did get along well once upon a time, and he's still a decent guy at heart. He seems to be turning back into that more, which is good, because seriously, he's a great guy when he's decent. And that lunch was fun (although it was what prompted the "innocence" post, as Artifex commented on my post before that at lunch, saying that I had "changed" when actually that change occurred at like the beginning of twelfth grade... or even the year before... although to be fair, nobody really knew about that because it wasn't super obvious).

I miss Artifex. I feel like I've been an absolutely horrible friend to her. I never text her, I only ever see her when I'm back in town, and I comment on her facebook stuff, but... I dunno. We had some good skype calls for a few weeks in October, which died down, and now she's never on skype while I'm ALWAYS on skype so I guess that's just kinda all over the place. The thing is, Artifex is one of those genuinely good people. Her generosity and kindness have always amazed me and she has always been the absolute best to me, and yet I've done basically nothing at all to communicate with her.

I feel like... even with Vince and Lucy and I, things aren't the same. And I guess it's naive to expect that they would be, we're in very different places now (what I mean by that is that university's different than high school) (don't "duh" me you know what I mean), and I still have a lot of faith that that friendship will hold on for a while. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, but moving away really does make it hard to keep relationships intact, even with facebook and skype and email and yadda yadda yadda.

The thing is, I feel pretty bad about how many friends I've made in university so far, which is like two (this is including Grag) (Ooookay I'm gonna start calling him Ptarckas instead) (I call him detective Ptarckas on skype and he doesn't mind) (DON'T. ASK.) and then the EPASS people, whom I haven't seen in like a month because finals. Shit. I haven't even been reading the textbook for that because break... I suppose I could do a little of that. It was actually interesting and informative and good project management stuff to know. I need to put more effort into that. And don't get me started on the expense template protocol the other assistant and I were supposed to do, and the big meeting I missed (albeit because I was driving home although I probably didn't know that I was leaving that day when I filled out the poll and just whatever).

Okay, I made some notes for the expense templates (most of which are just questions). I feel less guilty now. It's a very informal document but I feel like that's okay at this point, because we can turn those notes into a formal protocol document together or something (meaning the assistant PM and I) (PM sounds like prime minister like no that means project manager) (I am not the prime minister's assistant/trainee shadow/apprentice) (that would be cool though).

*blows bangs upwards* I suppose I am maybe getting a little worked up about the friends thing. People do drift apart a little, and none of us are used to this. It was bound to happen. I know it's natural for people to come and go, especially now that many of us have moved so far away. And I suppose making friends in a new place takes time. I'm doing okay, I guess. And I've been quite okay with doing okay, since my grades have been stellar (by my own judgement)... I guess life isn't about doing great things and being a perfect person who helps everyone and does everything right. Life is about sometimes doing and sometimes doing well and sometimes not doing when you can't and right now I'm somewhere between doing and doing well and what more do you really need?

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, December 23, 2013



It's bad enough that people automatically assume I don't swear and act all startled when I do. Like yes, I am a human being, I am completely normal, I swear sometimes. Big fucking deal, that's it, that's all. The worst was back in high school when people would always be like "OMFG SWEGAN SWORE" like fuck yes I did is your life really that boring that this is big news to you?

I realize people aren't doing this to be mean but it gets really fucking annoying (especially when people are like "you swear a lot on your blog" WOW REALLY I HAD NO IDEA THANKS FOR TELLING ME) (IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A PLACE TO VENT OR ANYTHING) (WHOA IMAGINE THAT). I have to deal with this all the fucking time and I'm sick and tired of it. I am the same age as all of you. I have been alive for the same number of years and had my own share of life experiences. I am not more innocent, and if I am, THERE HAVE GOT TO BE OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT IF WE MUST TALK ABOUT SOME DEFINING TRAIT I HAVE. Like, fuck, seriously? I am not some tiny little baby and I am tired of being treated like one.

This is in part why I think I enjoy my relationship so much, at the moment- because there is quite a bit of physical... intinmacy, I think is the word, going on, and neither of us is making a huge deal out of it. Newsflash: I'm a grown up, I think about sex, I have desire, I swear. Just like everybody else. Now can we all move on with our lives and stop freaking out because I said the word fuck? Like fucking hell, you guys, there are better things to freak out about.

In news that is perhaps less interesting but more worth my time (I feel), I currently have 6 candles in my room because it is actually 13 degrees in here. No, seriously. I grabbed the laser thermometer (WHICH IS THE COOLEST THING EVER) and took the temperature. On my windows, it's 12. I HAVE TO CHANGE IN THIS ROOM. IT IS WAY TOO COLD IN HERE.
Also I just blew them all out with a fan, because that is dramatic and cool and stuff.

yer pal,

Saturday, December 14, 2013

God damn I am a fucking wizard

I have this skirt and I decided to try it on a couple of different ways, and let's just say I can go from "holy shit fucking sexy" to "I am the CEO of the corporation that will run your corporation into the ground" to "isn't this a lovely dinner party" like FUCKING THIS IS WHAT VERSATILITY IS. Now all I need is eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man, and I'm all set. Unfortunately, I haven't attained that level of wizard status yet, but I am capable of curling my hair with a straightening iron and I did that successfully on the first try and I can also make my lips look as red as the blood of the men I could kill if I could use liquid eyeliner successfully.

I've just been living in jeans and hoodies b/c finals and I wanted to put on something that felt more feminine. This has definitely done the trick. I am a fucking goddess right now, you guys. And I will RUN YOUR CORPORATION INTO THE GROUND AND LOOK FUCKING FABULOUS WHILE DOING SO HELL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Friday, December 13, 2013


"done my first semester of university!" "Finally finished my last final, what is this free time!" "Omg, so good to be done" like SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE OH MY GOD I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE BEING DONE FOR GOD'S SAKE
I feel that on some level I understand how the engineers feel, because they have exams until like the 20th which is just super lame. I mean engineering is difficult enough already, and then to put all the exams that late? That's just cruel. But anyway. I'm done on Monday, and I have a chem final today. But of course I have two exams left on Monday. It couldn't just be bio or math, no, it had to be both. And whenever I try to take a break, I end up looking at facebook, and every day is just another "done" status that makes me want to claw people's eyes out with jealousy. QUIT SHARING YOUR JOY. SOME OF US ARE STILL STUDYING. AND ALSO FORGOING ENJOYING THINGS LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS/SIGNIFICANT OTHERS FOR THE SAKE OF STUDYING. I was so looking forward to seeing Grag again this evening but nooo, I realized I have to study instead. I am so tired of studying. I am so. Fucking. Done. Plus being finished later means that I can't go home until later which means fewer days to visit teachers and just UNIVERSE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Seriously, though, I know it's not fair to be mad at people who are done, but I just feel so anxious all the time, like I haven't studied enough, or that I'm going to fail, and then I have to hear feedback from everyone else on their exams and then my fucking roommate is done TODAY, ugh, UGH I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I'M SO MAD.
I would much rather be done sooner than have more time to study. You have no idea. If I had had math and bio this week as well, then today would be my last day and I could like fucking go home on the weekend or something. Sigh. At least traffic won't be too bad on Wednesday, I'd think.

You know what this is ridiculous. After that math thing tonight I am coming home and making popcorn and watching Bar Rescue until I fall asleep. It's a pity party, because I am so deep in self pity right now it's not even funny. I have all day Saturday and all day Sunday to study and like my fucking bio final is only worth 30% of my grade anyway so who even cares. I'll pass it and that'll be the end of it. And I don't care what my roommate does this weekend, as long as she's quiet Sunday night. Party somewhere else. And if people are planning on partying Sunday night, well, then I'm fucked. Sigh. But I guess I'll get to sleep eventually and there's not much I can do. Also I have absolutely no problem with getting up, knocking on doors, and asking very kindly "can you guys please keep it down I have two exams tomorrow and I really need to sleep" and then saying "Can you fucking shut up I am trying to fucking sleep I have two fucking exams tomorrow" if they don't listen the first time.

Ugh. I just hate everything right now, everything is anxiety and it feels like it'll never be over.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Monday, December 9, 2013



I'm not even going to tell you whose house I slept over at, because I'm sure you can all infer from the way my life (and thus my posts) have been going. It seemed like an okay idea at the time, but then neither of us got any sleep (their bed was really small) and in the morning we both admitted we'd had a terrible sleep. Like, really terrible. And then we were waiting for the train (after I convinced them to come with me to the train station) I just started crying, I was so tired and sad. Now I'm home and I'm less sad, still tired, but I'm going to start studying at SOME point, I swear. My philosophy final is tomorrow, as is perogy night (ugh) but Grag and I are going to hang out AFTER our philosophy final and he has decided to eat dinner here to maximize that time. However, he will NOT be sleeping over, because... oh, fuck, you guys, I slept at his house last night. AND THAT'S ALL WE DID, WAS ACTUALLY SLEEP. THE REASON I DID NOT GET SLEEP WAS NOT BECAUSE OF STUFF IT WAS JUST BECAUSE OF DISCOMFORT AND THE FACT THAT THE BED WAS SMALL. So he will not be sleeping over because THAT IS A VERY BAD IDEA. Thankfully, our exam isn't until tomorrow, so I have a great opportunity to get a full night's rest tonight and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow.

It was fun until I decided not to catch the late train and go home (WHY DIDN'T I CATCH THE TRAIN AND GO HOME DAMMIT PAST SWEGAN). He rolled over at 8:30 and was like "You're awake?" and I was like "I've been awake all night" and he was like "Damn, that means you had as bad of a sleep as I did" so yeah we were both pretty sorry about that. I said next time we would have to build a fort so that we'd have more room. Also we should have more pillows. When in doubt, pillows. Pillows. I"M REALLY TIRED OKAY. I WANT TO NAP BUT NO I SHOULD STUDY. At least a little bit. And then I have to move my car tonight and also explain to my roommate why I didn't come home last night (she is currently at the library) (or so I'd assume because she is actually responsible) and also probably I should stop doing things like this because this is the second meal in the last week I've missed and haven't crossed my name off for and I feel kind of bad about that.



yer pal,

Saturday, December 7, 2013


*exaggerated breathing from yelling so much*

But UGH seriously like I started reading that book again, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap again and I know I read it before and posted about it but I can't find that post and I think when I read that book I stopped telling myself I was bad at math, because that's what all the girls in the book did, and that's when I started saying no you know what I am actually good at math. I'm not some crazy math genius, and that's okay, I don't have to be, but I am not bad at math. I'm not. I'm good at math. And I think, as crazy as it is, saying that to myself has helped me do better in math, has helped me keep up in math, because I actually started believing that I was capable of solving problems.

And I think that helps, too, to believe you're good at stuff. I think I've mentioned before that it is a surprisingly good method to maintain your self esteem to be fake-full-of-yourself, like everything I'm walking in my big parka and I overheat, I think "Wow, I'm so hot" and then my brain a second later is like "Damn straight you are" and I just smile and like god, you guys, it's the best. It's the best when I can dance in front of my mirror in my hot pink short shorts and think wow, look at your legs girl, they fine. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL SILLY. Feeling silly is better than feeling sad, I've found.

And anyway, it's not just about thinking that you're beautiful, but thinking about all the stuff you can do, too. Like I'm good at math, like I said, and I'm good at writing, too, and I'm good at research. There's definitely room for improvement, but there's always room for improvement.

Speaking of things that need room for improvement... I really need to study. I haven't actually started yet (today) and I really need to get on that. I'm going to type out all my philosophy notes and start rereading stuff. But I know I can pass philosophy. I'm good at philosophy. Obviously, again, there's room for improvement, and yeah so what I got a 70 on my essay, I tried and I had a lot of other stuff going on, too.

And my mom just texted me "Dude, you won"t believe it, ut we are at church again...dont text me back." followed by a party emoticon and I am now very confused like did my family convert to the religion du jour of the town I come from while I've been gone?

yer pal,
swegan :)

On my parents

Becoming an adult is weird.

I was definitely one of those teenagers who trusted my parents quite a bit. I sought out advice from them frequently, and often followed unwanted advice because I knew it was the right thing to do (although it pissed me off that I couldn't just figure things out for myself a lot of the time). I'm still quite close to them, and we get along very well, but I have this trouble with thinking of them as being wrong about anything. My parents are both very intelligent, and I find it incredibly difficult to argue with them, especially since they agree on a lot of things and back each other up.

The issue of "do what you love" vs. "do what will get you a career" is an interesting one, as it is for everyone. On one hand, I think my parents have a point emphasizing that my life will have much less stress in it if I have a secure career or employment of some sort, but I think that's the whole reason why they pushed me away from the arts, that's the whole reason why when I was 6 they violently shattered the dream I had of being an artist. At the time I had thought that people just picked whatever job they wanted and grew up to do that and they would be okay and have enough money, and my mom's saying "Well sure, you can be an artist... if you want to starve" really stopped that train in its tracks. And I feel like my entire life, it's been that way- no matter what career I've picked, they've found a way to find its worst aspect and play that up to me. It's not just me, either- my sister has probably had it worse than me, because I eventually took an interest in science.

And I don't regret that. Science is interesting, science is fascinating, science is what I want to work in. But at the same time I hate the idea that it pleases them, these parents who want me to succeed so badly that they've chased all the other dreams away, whether it was the dream of being an artist at 6 or a writer at 12, or even a researcher at 17. And all the time when people ask why I'm studying biology, career always comes up. I was discussing it with the PM for EPASS, and he stopped me and said "yeah, but are you studying biology because you love it or because you can get a job in it?" and I stopped and thought and said I was hoping that I could find a balance there- something I loved that was reasonable and would probably result in some career stability.

The other thing is that my parents are giving me a lot of financial support- without them, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. They've always thought that it's important to support me (and my siblings) as we get an education, so that we can (and I indirectly quote), "get a good job and do the same for our kids." Which is a nice sentiment. But at the same time it makes me feel like I have to get a good job in order to qualify for that financial support, and that's stressful. It would be nice, yes, to be able to do university on my own terms, but now I feel like I'm not allowed to drop a class or fail anything, since I'm not the one footing the bill. Going to university for five years costs more money, so I'd sure as hell better graduate in four or head into med school or something along those lines. And I just hate that. I feel like prioritizing school is important, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I can't prioritize anything else. It also makes me feel pretty useless. I'm horrendously bad at finding volunteering opportunities, which makes me miss being a part of NHS last year, and I know volunteering gives such a good sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're actually doing something and I miss it so much but volunteer opportunities just intimidate me. It was hard enough to go to the nursing home and do things.

I think I might need to accept the fact that I might be introverted, just a little bit. It wouldn't be surprising, now that I think about it- there's lots of introverts in my family. My dad is like that, he's quiet and doesn't talk much, but he has a circle of people he really cares about and cares for. My sister is painfully shy and has close friends who she talks with about anything (I feel privileged to be one of those friends, although it's not that surprising since I've known her all her life). I have an uncle whom I've only seen about three times in my life, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I get the feeling he's just not a very social person.
My mom, though, has always pushed it on me that I need to spend time with my friends, that I need to call them to have three hour phone conversations, because otherwise they wouldn't feel like I loved them or appreciated them. And for her it was so easy to call up friends and chat; for me, using the phone has only recently become not horribly terrifying. It used to make me cry, the idea of trying to call up friends. I prefer electronic communication, but my mother has always insisted that it's not good enough, it's not instant enough, you'll never get an answer unless you just call them, honey. But I don't want to, calling is so intrusive, it demands your attention NOW, whereas a text can wait there until you are ready to respond. Besides, I used to be ridiculously terrified of dialing a wrong number.
I am just now thinking maybe there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out on weekends, with only wanting to spend time with select people, with wanting to spend time with myself. Maybe I am introverted and maybe I like being alone and maybe there's actually nothing wrong with that when I've been lead to believe my whole life that that's abnormal and weird, what weird people do, and I'll never be successful and happy if I don't do that.
Maybe it's okay that I like to spend a lot of time with myself. Maybe it's okay to find comfort in that. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and it's not like I want to excommunicate myself completely. I will reach a point at which I need social contact, and that is why I have my circle of friends.

It's just very liberating to be able to think, no, my parents aren't always right, and not have them here to contradict it. For so long I have been stiflingly close to them and not allowed to make a lot of my own decisions about my own life. However, now that I think about it, isn't the money in my RESP my money? As in, if I want to take five years to go to school instead of the traditional four so that I can have more time for volunteering or just feeling less stressed, I can do that? I'm starting to think it might be nice even to just have that option. My classes next semester all sound so terribly difficult- chemistry (now it's harder), math (also harder), biology (this one's okay), women's and gender studies (the essays in here might kill me), and astrophysics (I am now severely worried about the physics part). Although.... didn't I think last semester that philosophy might be a big pile of awful and hard? Philosophy turned out to be very interesting and even though I have been saying for the past couple of weeks that I might not take any more, that might be a lie... I might take more philosophy. Fuck, I need arts credits, and not a lot of arts courses interest me. Maybe one of these classes will be too hard, but I did just have an epiphany.

I thought, you know what, if I need to drop a class and I've carefully considered all the factors and come to the conclusion that it's the right decision, it is my life and my choice to make, after all. And if it turns out to be a mistake, then so what? Aren't I supposed to make mistakes? Am I not supposed to try things and make my own path, or something like that? This is my life, not my parents', and while I greatly appreciate their support, I can't let it be control.
Part of this involves my relationship as well. It is not up to my parents to tell me what I am and am not ready for, it is up to me and me alone. They are not the ones dating this boy, I am, and even though it's weird for me to think of myself as a grownup, I am a grownup now. I think I am doing just fine so far. And if they do pull out the financial support rug, well, I've got some savings, I'll figure something out. But my parents still care about me, and in the end, I should seriously figure out if Registered Education Savings Plans are actually money that now belongs to me to use towards my education or if that's still my parents' money.

I think I also need some sleep. I still have a lot of studying to do. On my own terms, of course, which means sleeping in past breakfast (although today's Saturday, so brunch is on for the weekend, yessssss) again and then wasting time until lunch (or brunch b/c WEEKEND), and then working all afternoon.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Friday, December 6, 2013


It is really hard to study for chemistry when my mind is very focused on a very different kind of chemistry. Also my mind keeps saying "so what if you could go back to past swegan on the first day of philosophy and make her turn around and look at Grag and be like "hey... hey guess what... YOU'RE GOING TO DATE HIM. And you know what else? YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM. And you know what the best part is? YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT AND YOU TWO ARE GOING TO ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER SO MUCH THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE THE FIRST DAY AFTER CLASSES END AND CASUALLY JUST HANG OUT AND DO STUFF FOR LIKE 7 HOURS.
I am not kidding, that actually happened, and it was... well... you see, as the amount of stuff we do increases, the less I can reveal to the world. Well I could reveal it, but it's of a highly personal nature and so I'd really rather prefer not to. But I will say that being an adult is great because now there is literally no limit to what I can do. All I have to do is stick to my comfort zone (and his) and we will be fine. *waggles eyebrows* or more than fine, if you know what I mean.

ANYWAY. Finals are coming up and my poor roommate is so stressed out she can't sleep. I feel so bad for her, especially because the program she went into is really hard and she's just having trouble keeping up and keeping her mental state up, I guess. I had no idea that she was actually doing so poorly, and I feel really sorry for her, but I guess we all have to learn to deal with exams in our own time. My time was last year when I had 13 exams over two weeks. I look back on them now and they're not intimidating, but that's because I've already written them. Anyway, I only have four now (well technically 7 but I have already completed my lab exams and English) which is much better than last year, when I had four in ONE DAY. I made it through those, I can make it through this. Plus I have spent the day reviewing two subjects, and I will spend tomorrow reviewing two more (one of which will also be philosophy again because that's my first exam and damn if I'm not still terrified), and then the next day reviewing two more. Also, after the philosophy exam, Grag and I have decided to hang out and do stuff again. Until then, I will spend the weekend studying my ass off and procrastinating like no one has ever procrastinated before.

I already have procrastination planned for tonight. I will work until 9 (or maybe 9:30 b/c of all the procrastination I've been doing) (like yesterday) (yesterday was pure procrastination)


yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 1, 2013

"You are not owed a world in which only beautiful people enter your view"

I got a little distracted on Sparknotes trying to review for English, and stumbled across this article: http://community.sparknotes.com/2013/10/14/auntie-sparknotes-is-it-common-courtesy-to-cover-my-eczema. It's very, very true, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is silly and conceited. People don't always look perfect and they certainly don't owe it to anyone to cover up their imperfections. People have acne and rashes and scars, and that's that. I know I've been guilty of thinking things like this, too, and it is truly not a good thing to do (and I have been trying to replace it by thinking three nice things about that person every time I think something bad about them (re: appearances), which really helps because it forces me to see the beauty in other people, rather than what's not perfect about them) (and to recognize that they are people too).

It resonated with me because of a conversation I had last year with a couple of friends in the cafeteria. They told me this little story of how "some fat girl was just in here wearing this tank top that was way too tight, and it just didn't look good on her, y'know, like you have to dress for your body", etc etc. At the time I think I agreed with them, which was heinous and wrong and don't agree with people when they say that, please. Because I went home and realized that, wait a minute, there's something wrong here.
When people say "Dress for your body shape" usually it means "dress in the most flattering way" which I'm guessing roughly translates to "dress in the way that makes you look skinniest" and there is just something so fucked up about that I can't even.

This little incident, I thought, related to this article/advice thing/whatever as well. You don't have to dress a certain way to please people that think that if you're not dressing to look your skinniest you're doing it wrong. There's nothing wrong with dressing that way, but there's nothing wrong with not dressing that way, either. You don't owe it to anyone to dress a certain way. And if anyone tries to tell you that someone else looks "disgusting" squeezing out of their tank top, you can tell them that actually it's none of their fucking business and that you hope they have a nice day.

Dress is complicated because there's still some occasions where that's not okay, i.e., business things, formal functions, etc. But in everyday life, who cares? I just hope that everyone dresses warmly enough for the weather, because that is a matter of health and wellness and not just appearance and so I am a stickler for it. I mean if you think you can handle wearing a miniskirt at this time of year this far North, I applaud you, but I am still going to question your judgement.

This isn't to say that you have to like how people dress, either. You're not obligated to do that. But don't judge them based on their appearance- hell, if I had just said "no" to Grag when he asked me out because he wears sweatpants LITERALLY ALL THE TIME, where would I be now? The important thing to remember is that there are people in those clothes who might actually become really good friends, or even more than good friends (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN') if you just ignore the fact that you think their wardrobe is horrible and get to know them. (On the other hand, they might also be people you will not get along with. Dress is not an indicator of compatibility). I am a firm believer in the idea that personality is what counts, and if things do work out, then you won't really care about what they look like because you'll know that within is this awesome person that you get to know and hang out with. It's fantastic.

yer pal,
swegan :)