Yes, it is true, I have actually died. Well, obviously not, but I've been saying that a lot lately for very boy-related reasons, but that's not what this is about.
I realized today, as I finished reading a book I've already read like 3 times before, that I was happy. And I looked at myself in the mirror and just said that- "I'm so happy." But it's not an ecstatic kind of happy. It's more a sort of... content.
I'm used to my job now. Work is slow and easy this week, none of those days where we run around doing thing after endless thing, staying until 4 PM (which is good since both my lab partner and I seem a little ill at the moment). I've reached some kind of... something with my lab partner- she seems to accept that there are certain times of the day that might just coincide with someone else's break times at their job during which I am very preoccupied by my phone. She tells me things now and then and I enjoy hearing them. I've stopped telling her what to do all the time- she knows what she's doing. Not as much as I do, because I've been there forever, but she does. The brilliant part about this is that she knows all the theory behind the techniques we're using, while I know how to do the actual work required. We make a good team.
I've seen friends several times in the last few weeks, and that makes me feel very normal. All through my childhood my mom was always telling me to just call people, invite friends over, throw a birthday party, and I was always too nervous to do it. I don't know why high school was what got me over my phone anxiety, but it was. I'd still rather text to arrange things, but I can call people now, and hang out with them, and since I can drive and I'm an adult and have a job and pay for my own gas and all that, I feel more like I'm allowed to. It's my car, I'm driving it, if I want to go to a movie with friends and then hang out at one of their houses afterwards, I don't have to call and ask my parents for permission. It's very freeing. But the best part is that I get to see my friends. Actually really see them, because I am forcing myself to make the effort this summer. And it's great.
And the weirdest thing was that I started running. Not very regularly, mind you- the combination of getting my period with weirdly awful pre-cramps and cramp-cramps AND getting sick this week kinda meant that I was out for this week- but still. Running. What the hell? I hate running. Well, I did. And I'm not letting myself feel guilty about the irregularity of these workouts, either. All that fitness inspiration crap all over the internet keeps saying that you have to stick with it and there's no excuses and never miss a workout and it's like GOD, GET OUT OF MY FACE, jesus FUCKING christ. I'll work out if I feel like it because I like doing it and if I don't want to then I won't. I have an exuse this week: I'm fucking sick. And that's OK, because I can just start running again next week. Besides, I've rapidly learned that nobody fucking cares if my stomach is a little soft or if I have cellulite on my thighs, so the only person who really cared in the first place was me. So why care? I'm fine. I'm fine. I mean, I am sick (it's ok that I can't run, my nose is doing it for me! *drum kit*) but I'm fine.
I don't even know what this post is, it's such a big rambly mess. But I feel very at peace with my life right now. I don't really have any problems- I got my relationshit sorted out earlier. The chips fell where they did, and I like where they fell, and I'm really really happy about it. And Ptarckas seems ok too, and that means a lot to me, because he really deserves that. I see my friends regularly. I work out sometimes. I've started making myself food (I don't really know what happened to my family's way of existing while I was away, but it apparently involves a lot more cheap crap fast food pizza-and-hot-dogs than it used to), because I get the sense that my parents are tired from work because their jobs are way harder than mine.
But I have to end this post now. As good as it felt to write it, I have a call I need to make, and I want to be able to get it in before getting a good night's rest (before I inevitably wake up at like 6 anyway because of this fucking skylight in my room... okay, so maybe I have ONE problem, but that's a small problem to have).
yer pal,
swegan :)
Showing posts with label YAYNESS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label YAYNESS. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
I want to leave this behind
Work ended early today, like before-the-end-of-the-school-day-early. Consequently, I decided to try and go visit some teachers. I had two that I wanted to visit- both at different schools, unfortunately. I decided to try and visit my favourite teacher from middle school, one of very few good teachers that I had during that time. Unfortunately, she wasn't in, so I left a message with the receptionist (without a phone number or email god dammit oops) and walked back outside.
Coming at that time of day was probably a bad idea, but I didn't even stop to think of it. Leaving was much harder than going in. It was just that the din of voices was exactly the same as it was back when I was that age, all the kids shouting stupid stuff and going off in their different directions. The worst part was that getting back to my car required me to walk past a group of boys who looked to be about 12 and athletic.
As much as I've moved on from the specific people who used to bother me, that type- 12 year old athletic boys- still makes me nervous. And I've had people telling me that it's not healthy to still be wallowing in this, and that makes me so mad- I know it's not healthy. You think I like this? You think I like being unsettled by 12 year old boys in gym shorts? I have literally never met a 12 year old boy who is good at sports who isn't the worst kind of person. I don't want to feel that way, I don't want to have to make that judgement, but my experiences with 12 year old boys when I was 12 were the fucking worst and as a result I just can't handle being around 12 year old boys, apparently.
Driving away was therapeutic. I tend to talk to myself a lot- out loud; not the kind of talking where I'm having a conversation with myself, but more that I like voicing my train of thought when I'm alone. Doing it in the car is even better for some reason, probably because I'm definitely alone and not wondering if someone else can hear me. But I talked, and the closer I got to my high school, the more and more I realized how happy I was that I made the choices that I did.
Eventually I started crying. Because I was driving farther and farther away, because with every passing day, every passing second I get farther away from fucking middle school. I know it's ridiculous to be upset about this, especially because so many other kids had it so much worse than I did. But when lots of people tell you that you're a loser for three straight years as a kid, I guess some of that kind of sticks with you forever.
And this is why I thank the universe every goddamn day that my sister didn't go through that. She had her own group in middle school, she did her own thing, worked hard, made friends, and had fun, and I am so, so, so unbelievably glad that she was spared my experience of being a short nerdy loser. I know that to some extent, that experience made me who I am today, bla bla bla. But I still wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I had to take a few seconds to compose myself when I finally reached my old high school, because I was still crying about how happy I was. I never have to go back. I never have to go back. I went to a good high school and met people who just genuinely liked me for who I was and I think I have finally unlearned all the nastiness I was starting to adopt as a mechanism for trying to appear normal. I'm finally freeing myself of the idea that being normal matters, that I have to be a girl in a certain kind of way for people to like and accept me, or for my life to be rich and full and happy. To my friends in high school: I don't exaggerate when I say that you all rescued me from a potential future of me being nasty and bitchy and lonely.
I remember distinctly a moment near the end of 9th grade when I thought, so this is what it feels like to be happy, really happy, right at your core.
And university's even better, because I finally start to expect that people will be pretty decent and nice to me and even stupid stuff, like that boys will like me and not look at me and call me ugly and faggot and shove me into lockers and call me fucking bitch and that girls won't be nice to my face and compare me to the boys who talked about eating worms and worshipping noodles when they thought I wasn't listening. God, middle school was petty.
I know it sounds stupid. It really, really does. But I'm the only one who's allowed to feel that way, because when other people say it I'm like do you think I like this? Do you think I like that I'm still upset by things that happened 10 years ago? It's the fucking worst and I feel ridiculous any day that it bothers me. But it just gets smaller and smaller as time goes on and life keeps going up, up, up and I keep meeting more and more people who treat me nicely and I keep doing more and more and more of the things that I love. It doesn't feel like I've finally reached some place where my life is perfect, it feels like my life is good and it's going to stay that way and continue to be filled with genuine people and happiness forever and every day that I realize that is the best day of my life.
I don't spend all my time thinking about this, no. I have bigger things to worry about. But sometimes it gets to me and I get all emotional about it. It's probably also ridiculous to be so happy about the quality of the friends that I have, but I don't care. I've done more happy crying this year than I ever have before and that is fine with me.
As a closing note, before I start happy crying again: my dear, dear friends, you mean more to me than words can say.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Coming at that time of day was probably a bad idea, but I didn't even stop to think of it. Leaving was much harder than going in. It was just that the din of voices was exactly the same as it was back when I was that age, all the kids shouting stupid stuff and going off in their different directions. The worst part was that getting back to my car required me to walk past a group of boys who looked to be about 12 and athletic.
As much as I've moved on from the specific people who used to bother me, that type- 12 year old athletic boys- still makes me nervous. And I've had people telling me that it's not healthy to still be wallowing in this, and that makes me so mad- I know it's not healthy. You think I like this? You think I like being unsettled by 12 year old boys in gym shorts? I have literally never met a 12 year old boy who is good at sports who isn't the worst kind of person. I don't want to feel that way, I don't want to have to make that judgement, but my experiences with 12 year old boys when I was 12 were the fucking worst and as a result I just can't handle being around 12 year old boys, apparently.
Driving away was therapeutic. I tend to talk to myself a lot- out loud; not the kind of talking where I'm having a conversation with myself, but more that I like voicing my train of thought when I'm alone. Doing it in the car is even better for some reason, probably because I'm definitely alone and not wondering if someone else can hear me. But I talked, and the closer I got to my high school, the more and more I realized how happy I was that I made the choices that I did.
Eventually I started crying. Because I was driving farther and farther away, because with every passing day, every passing second I get farther away from fucking middle school. I know it's ridiculous to be upset about this, especially because so many other kids had it so much worse than I did. But when lots of people tell you that you're a loser for three straight years as a kid, I guess some of that kind of sticks with you forever.
And this is why I thank the universe every goddamn day that my sister didn't go through that. She had her own group in middle school, she did her own thing, worked hard, made friends, and had fun, and I am so, so, so unbelievably glad that she was spared my experience of being a short nerdy loser. I know that to some extent, that experience made me who I am today, bla bla bla. But I still wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I had to take a few seconds to compose myself when I finally reached my old high school, because I was still crying about how happy I was. I never have to go back. I never have to go back. I went to a good high school and met people who just genuinely liked me for who I was and I think I have finally unlearned all the nastiness I was starting to adopt as a mechanism for trying to appear normal. I'm finally freeing myself of the idea that being normal matters, that I have to be a girl in a certain kind of way for people to like and accept me, or for my life to be rich and full and happy. To my friends in high school: I don't exaggerate when I say that you all rescued me from a potential future of me being nasty and bitchy and lonely.
I remember distinctly a moment near the end of 9th grade when I thought, so this is what it feels like to be happy, really happy, right at your core.
And university's even better, because I finally start to expect that people will be pretty decent and nice to me and even stupid stuff, like that boys will like me and not look at me and call me ugly and faggot and shove me into lockers and call me fucking bitch and that girls won't be nice to my face and compare me to the boys who talked about eating worms and worshipping noodles when they thought I wasn't listening. God, middle school was petty.
I know it sounds stupid. It really, really does. But I'm the only one who's allowed to feel that way, because when other people say it I'm like do you think I like this? Do you think I like that I'm still upset by things that happened 10 years ago? It's the fucking worst and I feel ridiculous any day that it bothers me. But it just gets smaller and smaller as time goes on and life keeps going up, up, up and I keep meeting more and more people who treat me nicely and I keep doing more and more and more of the things that I love. It doesn't feel like I've finally reached some place where my life is perfect, it feels like my life is good and it's going to stay that way and continue to be filled with genuine people and happiness forever and every day that I realize that is the best day of my life.
I don't spend all my time thinking about this, no. I have bigger things to worry about. But sometimes it gets to me and I get all emotional about it. It's probably also ridiculous to be so happy about the quality of the friends that I have, but I don't care. I've done more happy crying this year than I ever have before and that is fine with me.
As a closing note, before I start happy crying again: my dear, dear friends, you mean more to me than words can say.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, April 19, 2015
I might actually write again
Probably not until November because that's when I wanna do this, but still.
I was told recently that it sounds like I'm not very good at character creation (as evidenced by the fact that my characters are so much like me they have actual conversations I have actually had wtf) and so I kind of decided that I would do something like that.
I have one character (from Camp Lame-o, obvi, because I can never ever create new characters because I am lame) (HAAAAAAAAA LAME-O) (sorry) that I really like, and I decided I wanted to know more about her. She has a last name now and everything, and also a troubled backstory which I don't know anything about yet. I just know that it's there and that because I want to see more of this character than just her can-do take-no-shit attitude (she built her own massive company from the ground up and regularly has the best advice to offer). So probably I'm going to throw something horrible at her that drags her away from her big shiny office in the city and back to where she grew up, to see how she handles it.
This makes me feel unbelievably cruel, and I know this character isn't real. I know I could just write something about her big shiny city life, but I want to get to know this character better. I want to know what happened to her. I want to know why she doesn't want to go home, I want to know what's waiting for her there.
I have also found a few songs that get me in the writing spirit. As usual, they are pop, and slightly random, but so far it's just two. There are a couple potential ones but one of them gets a bit too extreme for me just yet and I'm not sure if the other one entirely fits. As of right now, it's "One Last Time" by Ariana Grande and "Sledgehammer" by Fifth Harmony. I was listening to both of them for hours last night while trying to fill out this character creation form, which I am determined to fill out. I will think about this character's favourite music, favourite food, her mannerisms, her expressions, her fucking relationship with her parents, until she feels even more real to me than she does already.
I would say I'm "getting back in the game" but that makes me sound like a middle aged divorcee who is going out on dates again and that is so far from my reality.
yer pal,
swegan
I was told recently that it sounds like I'm not very good at character creation (as evidenced by the fact that my characters are so much like me they have actual conversations I have actually had wtf) and so I kind of decided that I would do something like that.
I have one character (from Camp Lame-o, obvi, because I can never ever create new characters because I am lame) (HAAAAAAAAA LAME-O) (sorry) that I really like, and I decided I wanted to know more about her. She has a last name now and everything, and also a troubled backstory which I don't know anything about yet. I just know that it's there and that because I want to see more of this character than just her can-do take-no-shit attitude (she built her own massive company from the ground up and regularly has the best advice to offer). So probably I'm going to throw something horrible at her that drags her away from her big shiny office in the city and back to where she grew up, to see how she handles it.
This makes me feel unbelievably cruel, and I know this character isn't real. I know I could just write something about her big shiny city life, but I want to get to know this character better. I want to know what happened to her. I want to know why she doesn't want to go home, I want to know what's waiting for her there.
I have also found a few songs that get me in the writing spirit. As usual, they are pop, and slightly random, but so far it's just two. There are a couple potential ones but one of them gets a bit too extreme for me just yet and I'm not sure if the other one entirely fits. As of right now, it's "One Last Time" by Ariana Grande and "Sledgehammer" by Fifth Harmony. I was listening to both of them for hours last night while trying to fill out this character creation form, which I am determined to fill out. I will think about this character's favourite music, favourite food, her mannerisms, her expressions, her fucking relationship with her parents, until she feels even more real to me than she does already.
I would say I'm "getting back in the game" but that makes me sound like a middle aged divorcee who is going out on dates again and that is so far from my reality.
yer pal,
swegan
Thursday, April 9, 2015
I'm so excited
About a month ago, I got an email from the university telling me my date to start registering for courses. So I made up a list of things to take. At that point, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do, and so I found myself making up a schedule I absolutely hated (partly because the higher up in university you go, the fewer times classes are offered in a semester.... argh). It had some interesting courses, but the big kicker was that I was making myself take physics. I do not want to take physics again. Physics is hella cool and interesting, sure, but it's also really difficult, and the way physics labs are done at my university, they're due the next day. It's awful. Plus, the physics I would have been taking was a 1st year course. When I finally got my schedule assembled, I got stressed out just looking at it. I felt like there was still all this horrible crap I had to get through, and even at the end of it, I still wasn't really going to get to study what I wanted to, which is genetics. The way my general biology degree would work out, I'd spend way too much time studying ecology and evolution and botany. Those things, again, are all interesting, but don't get me nearly as hyped up and excited as genetics.
So, I decided to go talk to an advisor about doing a specialization in molecular genetics degree. He was very convincing (and also very friendly and welcoming, as I've found most people in research/biology to be) and I found myself registering for the degree. I'm sure my parents were a little disappointed, since this pushed me further away from med school, and I was a little apprehensive myself, but now I'm very glad I did it.
Already I am talking with the advisor guy (such a name) about doing a research project (essentially I think I just help do research in the lab of one of the researchers here and get credits for it), and about all these different courses I can take, and about the fact that it's OK to take an extra semester, and I get to take almost exclusively genetics courses when I get to my fourth year and next year the worst things I have to take are microbiology and cell biology, but those are still infinitely better than bi(o)chem and physics. Plus, so many of the courses I'd end up taking are more independent and research-driven, and that makes me really excited.
It's surprisingly freeing to be able to do this. I know some people hate doing this kind of degree because it limits their options for courses (I can't take as many WGS courses, which is unfortunate, but oh well), but I like it because I finally don't have to waste time learning about things I'm less interested in. I can get down to the fine details of the subject I love, and learn more about how to research it.
I also have an end goal in mind, now, and that is really, REALLY exciting to me. I really, really want to do health research- the lab I have been working in studies cancer and it is so, so cool and fascinating to me and I just want to know more about it. The idea that I could contribute to research that helps people is so exciting to me. Which, of course, is the problem (for me) with a lot of genetics research: it's all about cells, or small microorganisms, or things that to me, seem pointless. But I'm sure I'll find they're more interesting than I thought.
I'm just so, so, so excited that I get to do this. I get to decide, I get to say "no, this is what I want to study, this is what I want to do with my life." I get to pursue what I love. It feels infinitely better than just getting a general degree or just taking all the "med school courses" because I don't know what I want to do yet. Is this what I want to do forever? Shit, I have no idea. I don't know what my life will turn out to be. But the point is that I have a direction now, something to work towards, a goal, a dream. And I'm so incredibly happy for that.
I know these courses are going to be hard. I know sometimes they will bore me, that not everything will be awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping wonder. My genetics course right now (which, to be fair, is still an intro course) is a little bit not that interesting, but I have to learn the basics. I know that I'm gonna have to put in a lot of work, but I also know now that I'm allowed a little room to pace myself, and I really get a strong feeling that people in the field (not all of them, I'm not stupid) will be willing to help me out. The reaction I get from most people doing work in this field is "You want to study this too? Hot dog, come on down, let me show you EVERYTHING and help you out!" and it makes me so very happy- and grateful, because these people know exactly what opportunities to point out to me.
Just... this whole thing makes me so excited. I can't wait to do it. All through high school, I thought that university would be where I could finally just study what I wanted to, without having to take all these other things that I thought were cool but not cool enough to take classes in. I've spent my first two years taking english, math, and chemistry courses to get to this point, and it's so great to think that I might finally be getting to the cool stuff- even just a little bit.
It is a little lonely, because I don't know anybody else in my genetics course right now. I don't know anybody else doing this degree. I don't know anyone else that likes this stuff as much as I do. But I'm sure that, moving forward, I'll find some people. In the meantime: I have other friends. In fact, I have THREE WHOLE ENTIRE FRIENDS outside of my building/high school friends now. Huzzah!
I've probably gushed enough about this at this point. I do still have homework to do. AT LEAST MY LAST OCHEM CLASS EVER WAS TODAY.
yer pal,
swegan :)
So, I decided to go talk to an advisor about doing a specialization in molecular genetics degree. He was very convincing (and also very friendly and welcoming, as I've found most people in research/biology to be) and I found myself registering for the degree. I'm sure my parents were a little disappointed, since this pushed me further away from med school, and I was a little apprehensive myself, but now I'm very glad I did it.
Already I am talking with the advisor guy (such a name) about doing a research project (essentially I think I just help do research in the lab of one of the researchers here and get credits for it), and about all these different courses I can take, and about the fact that it's OK to take an extra semester, and I get to take almost exclusively genetics courses when I get to my fourth year and next year the worst things I have to take are microbiology and cell biology, but those are still infinitely better than bi(o)chem and physics. Plus, so many of the courses I'd end up taking are more independent and research-driven, and that makes me really excited.
It's surprisingly freeing to be able to do this. I know some people hate doing this kind of degree because it limits their options for courses (I can't take as many WGS courses, which is unfortunate, but oh well), but I like it because I finally don't have to waste time learning about things I'm less interested in. I can get down to the fine details of the subject I love, and learn more about how to research it.
I also have an end goal in mind, now, and that is really, REALLY exciting to me. I really, really want to do health research- the lab I have been working in studies cancer and it is so, so cool and fascinating to me and I just want to know more about it. The idea that I could contribute to research that helps people is so exciting to me. Which, of course, is the problem (for me) with a lot of genetics research: it's all about cells, or small microorganisms, or things that to me, seem pointless. But I'm sure I'll find they're more interesting than I thought.
I'm just so, so, so excited that I get to do this. I get to decide, I get to say "no, this is what I want to study, this is what I want to do with my life." I get to pursue what I love. It feels infinitely better than just getting a general degree or just taking all the "med school courses" because I don't know what I want to do yet. Is this what I want to do forever? Shit, I have no idea. I don't know what my life will turn out to be. But the point is that I have a direction now, something to work towards, a goal, a dream. And I'm so incredibly happy for that.
I know these courses are going to be hard. I know sometimes they will bore me, that not everything will be awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping wonder. My genetics course right now (which, to be fair, is still an intro course) is a little bit not that interesting, but I have to learn the basics. I know that I'm gonna have to put in a lot of work, but I also know now that I'm allowed a little room to pace myself, and I really get a strong feeling that people in the field (not all of them, I'm not stupid) will be willing to help me out. The reaction I get from most people doing work in this field is "You want to study this too? Hot dog, come on down, let me show you EVERYTHING and help you out!" and it makes me so very happy- and grateful, because these people know exactly what opportunities to point out to me.
Just... this whole thing makes me so excited. I can't wait to do it. All through high school, I thought that university would be where I could finally just study what I wanted to, without having to take all these other things that I thought were cool but not cool enough to take classes in. I've spent my first two years taking english, math, and chemistry courses to get to this point, and it's so great to think that I might finally be getting to the cool stuff- even just a little bit.
It is a little lonely, because I don't know anybody else in my genetics course right now. I don't know anybody else doing this degree. I don't know anyone else that likes this stuff as much as I do. But I'm sure that, moving forward, I'll find some people. In the meantime: I have other friends. In fact, I have THREE WHOLE ENTIRE FRIENDS outside of my building/high school friends now. Huzzah!
I've probably gushed enough about this at this point. I do still have homework to do. AT LEAST MY LAST OCHEM CLASS EVER WAS TODAY.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I know exactly what I want and it terrifies the shit out of me
This often happens in the fall and winter. I find myself pining for the mountains. But lately, I've found it happening so often that a scenario has started to take place in my mind. It's what I would like for my future life to be, ideally. I live in the mountains, or at least, my house is fucking surrounded by trees. Everywhere. And there's neigbours, but not too close, because of all the TREES.
I want to live in a small town, but in my reasonably-sized house with trees. I want there to be a university in this town, though, so it can't be too small. It should also be reasonably close to a larger city, for those nights when I want to go out on the town.
I work in the research department of that university. One way or another, I've obtained a "Dr." in front of my name, and I do research. Whether it's medical research or just biology research I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. And I run my own lab. I am in charge of it, I appoint the summer students, I do all the conferences, me. It's my lab. The lab of Dr. Swegan.
And I just like imagining coming home to my house in the trees and having it be warm and cozy, with lots of leather and varying shades of brown and lots of wood, wood furniture and flooring and ceilings. Like a cabin but not entirely like a cabin. It's cozy. I have a big bed covered in pillows and my room has a huge-ass window that is also a door that opens onto a balcony and so when I wake up and go to sleep, I see trees. Preferably with a sunrise over them in the morning.
And I have a little cozy spot in front of the fire, in a huge leather chair that's the kind of chair you sink into with a good book, and I sit there and stare out at the trees because that's right, the entire back of my house is also big-ass windows.
This same pining happened last year, only this year it feels worse. It's especially bad when I listen to a playlist of music I have that makes me feel safe, because this imaginary home and life is now my happy place.
The funny thing is, I don't ever see another person living with me. I'm always solitary, which is kind of unappealing. I think I'd want somebody around, even just a friend. Even just being at home by myself creeps me out- I'd need another person living in this house with me. But I think what's more significant is that there aren't any children. Obviously my mindset is that I'm still too young and I haven't lived much of a life yet, so I can't know if I want children or not. I don't know. I know I don't want them now, or any time in the next 10 years or so, that's for sure.
However, this is weirdly specific and very different from the idea I usually have, which is me living in a tiny, somewhat crappy, but cozy apartment in a small town. I don't know why I'm idealizing this small town in my head; I grew up in a small town and got to experience firsthand this summer how much it sucks living where there is almost nothing to do. But somehow, in this more young-adult version of the same town, I have things to do, and people I see, and I'm never bored or unhappy (well, I mean obviously I probably still am unhappy from time to time but never in a permanent way).
The problem with these fantasies is that I feel like they're so specific, they can never happen. Where in Canada am I going to find a place like that? BC somewhere? Vancouver Island? I don't know. And besides, I'm in my second year of an undergrad degree... getting either a Ph.D or an M.D. Ph.D is gonna be like a shitton of hard work that I am really not looking forward to, but I know that this is (at least for now) reasonably close to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly confident that I could get into medical school somewhere if I started putting effort towards that, like I think I could pass the MCAT with enough studying and I'm finding things to do in this city now that help me feel... busier, I guess. Less like a homebody. Like I have a life, even if that life is just going to dance class once a week, having a regular date night, and sometimes hanging out with Carina to make food and watch netflix at her house. Carina and I keep trying to have wild adventures, but then I always chicken out. I'm shitty at trying new things that way.
In somewhat unrelated news, my roommate got me a birthday gift which was super sweet of her. It was a little sampler of tea from David's Tea, and the flavour was pumpkin chai, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS TEA IS SO GOOD. It's got caramel in it which I think is the reason I like it so much, but it also just looks cute because the tea itself has little pumpkin candies in it and UGH you guys seriously, try it. It's cozy and perfect and delicious and UGH.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I want to live in a small town, but in my reasonably-sized house with trees. I want there to be a university in this town, though, so it can't be too small. It should also be reasonably close to a larger city, for those nights when I want to go out on the town.
I work in the research department of that university. One way or another, I've obtained a "Dr." in front of my name, and I do research. Whether it's medical research or just biology research I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. And I run my own lab. I am in charge of it, I appoint the summer students, I do all the conferences, me. It's my lab. The lab of Dr. Swegan.
And I just like imagining coming home to my house in the trees and having it be warm and cozy, with lots of leather and varying shades of brown and lots of wood, wood furniture and flooring and ceilings. Like a cabin but not entirely like a cabin. It's cozy. I have a big bed covered in pillows and my room has a huge-ass window that is also a door that opens onto a balcony and so when I wake up and go to sleep, I see trees. Preferably with a sunrise over them in the morning.
And I have a little cozy spot in front of the fire, in a huge leather chair that's the kind of chair you sink into with a good book, and I sit there and stare out at the trees because that's right, the entire back of my house is also big-ass windows.
This same pining happened last year, only this year it feels worse. It's especially bad when I listen to a playlist of music I have that makes me feel safe, because this imaginary home and life is now my happy place.
The funny thing is, I don't ever see another person living with me. I'm always solitary, which is kind of unappealing. I think I'd want somebody around, even just a friend. Even just being at home by myself creeps me out- I'd need another person living in this house with me. But I think what's more significant is that there aren't any children. Obviously my mindset is that I'm still too young and I haven't lived much of a life yet, so I can't know if I want children or not. I don't know. I know I don't want them now, or any time in the next 10 years or so, that's for sure.
However, this is weirdly specific and very different from the idea I usually have, which is me living in a tiny, somewhat crappy, but cozy apartment in a small town. I don't know why I'm idealizing this small town in my head; I grew up in a small town and got to experience firsthand this summer how much it sucks living where there is almost nothing to do. But somehow, in this more young-adult version of the same town, I have things to do, and people I see, and I'm never bored or unhappy (well, I mean obviously I probably still am unhappy from time to time but never in a permanent way).
The problem with these fantasies is that I feel like they're so specific, they can never happen. Where in Canada am I going to find a place like that? BC somewhere? Vancouver Island? I don't know. And besides, I'm in my second year of an undergrad degree... getting either a Ph.D or an M.D. Ph.D is gonna be like a shitton of hard work that I am really not looking forward to, but I know that this is (at least for now) reasonably close to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly confident that I could get into medical school somewhere if I started putting effort towards that, like I think I could pass the MCAT with enough studying and I'm finding things to do in this city now that help me feel... busier, I guess. Less like a homebody. Like I have a life, even if that life is just going to dance class once a week, having a regular date night, and sometimes hanging out with Carina to make food and watch netflix at her house. Carina and I keep trying to have wild adventures, but then I always chicken out. I'm shitty at trying new things that way.
In somewhat unrelated news, my roommate got me a birthday gift which was super sweet of her. It was a little sampler of tea from David's Tea, and the flavour was pumpkin chai, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS TEA IS SO GOOD. It's got caramel in it which I think is the reason I like it so much, but it also just looks cute because the tea itself has little pumpkin candies in it and UGH you guys seriously, try it. It's cozy and perfect and delicious and UGH.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The thing about relationships
( I am talking in the romantic sense here, since I have been having some thoughts lately).
Recently it's become very interesting to me how different my first relationship was from my second (and current) relationship. The first time around I felt guilty for wanting attention- physical affection, mostly, things like hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. I also felt mad that I was the one who had to initiate conversation and communication outside of school. Probably a lot of these problems were from the fact that we were young and didn't know how to be in a relationship, but still. I also felt like expressing my desire to spend time with him and to be alone with him would sound "dumb" and "girly" and so I never said anything. Once he even got angry at me because I was trying to talk to him and he was trying to play video games. That really bothered me, enough that I started crying and felt horribly guilty. I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.
This time around, I am kind of still in that state. I feel more comfortable discussing what I like/need in terms of physical affection and closeness, and I've found someone who enjoys a similar level of those things (we are very snuggly people, and spending time in each other's physical presence is important to us) but more importantly, I feel valued this time around.
It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who I feel like actually WANTS to be in a relationship with me, too. Someone who doesn't communicate because they have to but because they actively want to, someone who spends a lot of time with me, someone who admits to being close to me. Someone who doesn't ever make me feel like the things I want or need are stupid or unimportant. I feel so happy now, in this relationship, that I am able to get what I want and give in return, that we are able to find a balance and make each other happy.
There are still times when I worry about bothering him, but this time around it's nice that when I bug him when he's playing video games, I don't get "the sound of you sending messages just gets a little annoying and distracting in the middle of a game", I get "sorry, I was busy, and I like reading what you write when I finish playing something." Obviously the first response was understandable, and not totally unreasonable, but I do actually like the second one better. I still try not to bug people a lot when it seems like they're busy, but it's nice not to get "you were being annoying" and more "no, I was just away, that's why I wasn't responding."
I just... I feel like I know better now. Obviously I don't know everything because I'm young and inexperienced, but I know more. I know how important communication is. I know how important physical affection and intimacy are to me. And I got to learn that from a really positive relationship experience, and I am still learning from it.
The best part is that when we have gotten mad in the past or fucked up, we've talked through it honestly, been willing to admit our own faults but also been able to recognize where we were not wrong, and been committed enough to continue the relationship to make it work again. It's really nice to feel cared about and loved. I still doubt it because of how my last relationship went, and sometimes I think just because it almost feels too good to be true.
Gah, I feel young and stupid and happy. Thank god for this exercise kick I just got started on. I feel like it's finally giving my brain enough dopamine and endorphins to see the happy without it feeling stupid. But that's a post for another time.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Recently it's become very interesting to me how different my first relationship was from my second (and current) relationship. The first time around I felt guilty for wanting attention- physical affection, mostly, things like hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. I also felt mad that I was the one who had to initiate conversation and communication outside of school. Probably a lot of these problems were from the fact that we were young and didn't know how to be in a relationship, but still. I also felt like expressing my desire to spend time with him and to be alone with him would sound "dumb" and "girly" and so I never said anything. Once he even got angry at me because I was trying to talk to him and he was trying to play video games. That really bothered me, enough that I started crying and felt horribly guilty. I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.
This time around, I am kind of still in that state. I feel more comfortable discussing what I like/need in terms of physical affection and closeness, and I've found someone who enjoys a similar level of those things (we are very snuggly people, and spending time in each other's physical presence is important to us) but more importantly, I feel valued this time around.
It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who I feel like actually WANTS to be in a relationship with me, too. Someone who doesn't communicate because they have to but because they actively want to, someone who spends a lot of time with me, someone who admits to being close to me. Someone who doesn't ever make me feel like the things I want or need are stupid or unimportant. I feel so happy now, in this relationship, that I am able to get what I want and give in return, that we are able to find a balance and make each other happy.
There are still times when I worry about bothering him, but this time around it's nice that when I bug him when he's playing video games, I don't get "the sound of you sending messages just gets a little annoying and distracting in the middle of a game", I get "sorry, I was busy, and I like reading what you write when I finish playing something." Obviously the first response was understandable, and not totally unreasonable, but I do actually like the second one better. I still try not to bug people a lot when it seems like they're busy, but it's nice not to get "you were being annoying" and more "no, I was just away, that's why I wasn't responding."
I just... I feel like I know better now. Obviously I don't know everything because I'm young and inexperienced, but I know more. I know how important communication is. I know how important physical affection and intimacy are to me. And I got to learn that from a really positive relationship experience, and I am still learning from it.
The best part is that when we have gotten mad in the past or fucked up, we've talked through it honestly, been willing to admit our own faults but also been able to recognize where we were not wrong, and been committed enough to continue the relationship to make it work again. It's really nice to feel cared about and loved. I still doubt it because of how my last relationship went, and sometimes I think just because it almost feels too good to be true.
Gah, I feel young and stupid and happy. Thank god for this exercise kick I just got started on. I feel like it's finally giving my brain enough dopamine and endorphins to see the happy without it feeling stupid. But that's a post for another time.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Relationship things
Seriously I don't know how this is going so well. It's bizarre. It's been five months now (cue the condescension of adults everywhere who don't think that's a big deal) and things are still going very, very well. We text a lot. We skype a lot. I realize it's only a week into summer and that we're bound to fall off the wagon at some point or another with somehow managing to communicate daily, but things are working really, really well, and it's very bizarre to me.
The way I see relationships is that there's a good period, when you're happy and the relationship is new and everything is exciting and perfect and your mood about it all is a wistful, happy sigh. I only expected that to last a few months. That's where the hard stuff is supposed to start, I think, where you are supposed to come across obstacles.
Or maybe it's a statistical thing? The longer you're with someone, the more likely it is that you'll run into some difficulty that will have an impact on the relationship. It's even true with friendships, although I find those somewhat easier to maintain (not that I'm any good at it, anyway). Perhaps this is an indication that I simply picked someone who I really work well with, someone who I'll be with for a long haul (and by that I mean a relationship lasting a few years), but I don't want to think about that too much.
I keep trying to predict how long the relationship will last, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because my parents are putting so much weight on the fact that now I'm in university, where I will most likely meet someone I will settle down with. It's not that I don't like the idea of settling down, but I think they're getting too ahead of themselves. I'm still only 18. I'm even getting ahead of myself. There's no rush at all. Mom said closer to the beginning that she was worried that I was missing out on other options by being in a committed relationship so soon. Which again, ties into the being young thing- I am still very young. There is no need to be worried.
I need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy the relationship. We have a very good thing going, with lots of open communication, trust, respect, etc (SRSLY GUISE COMMUNICATION IS SO GREAT PLS BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE BUT ALSO BE GENTLE AND STUFF). I have my head way too high in the clouds with my parents (particularly my mother) being all crazy. I wish they could just be happy for me, that I'm happy and that I'm in a relationship with a good person, a smart person, a kind person. I suppose, though, that I can't let their wishes for me dictate how I think about things. I need to let it go and just focus on how I feel about things, since it is my life, after all.
I guess I am not that good at being a grownup yet. Not that I've had a lot of experience, anyway. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. In the meantime, I will focus on going to school, being a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, and sister, and enjoying my life while it is more than full of joy.
yer pal,
swegan :)
The way I see relationships is that there's a good period, when you're happy and the relationship is new and everything is exciting and perfect and your mood about it all is a wistful, happy sigh. I only expected that to last a few months. That's where the hard stuff is supposed to start, I think, where you are supposed to come across obstacles.
Or maybe it's a statistical thing? The longer you're with someone, the more likely it is that you'll run into some difficulty that will have an impact on the relationship. It's even true with friendships, although I find those somewhat easier to maintain (not that I'm any good at it, anyway). Perhaps this is an indication that I simply picked someone who I really work well with, someone who I'll be with for a long haul (and by that I mean a relationship lasting a few years), but I don't want to think about that too much.
I keep trying to predict how long the relationship will last, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because my parents are putting so much weight on the fact that now I'm in university, where I will most likely meet someone I will settle down with. It's not that I don't like the idea of settling down, but I think they're getting too ahead of themselves. I'm still only 18. I'm even getting ahead of myself. There's no rush at all. Mom said closer to the beginning that she was worried that I was missing out on other options by being in a committed relationship so soon. Which again, ties into the being young thing- I am still very young. There is no need to be worried.
I need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy the relationship. We have a very good thing going, with lots of open communication, trust, respect, etc (SRSLY GUISE COMMUNICATION IS SO GREAT PLS BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE BUT ALSO BE GENTLE AND STUFF). I have my head way too high in the clouds with my parents (particularly my mother) being all crazy. I wish they could just be happy for me, that I'm happy and that I'm in a relationship with a good person, a smart person, a kind person. I suppose, though, that I can't let their wishes for me dictate how I think about things. I need to let it go and just focus on how I feel about things, since it is my life, after all.
I guess I am not that good at being a grownup yet. Not that I've had a lot of experience, anyway. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. In the meantime, I will focus on going to school, being a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, and sister, and enjoying my life while it is more than full of joy.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
The day I decided to be good at math
I can't actually remember the actual day I decided to stop saying "I'm bad at math" or "I'm not good at math" or answering "No" when people asked me if I was good at math. I think it was somewhere around the time when I was trying to decide whether or not to do the highest level of math offered in the province with an "i" tacked onto the end for "IB." This was in grade 11, just before writing my diploma exam for math (there was a class offered after the diploma exam class that was essentially basic calc). I was creating a pro-and-con list (something I did a lot in high school- and even when trying to decide which high school to go to) in one of the blank pages of my math workbook, and my friends were sitting around me and trying to help me decide. Two of my friends, both guys, insisted on taking the book and both wrote in the "pro" column that I should do it because I could, or something along those lines, and that was really sweet- these guys were both really good at math and got much better grades than I did with a lot less effort.
Our four desks were in a clump in front of the teacher's desk at the back of the room, and eventually I went to ask her what she thought, or maybe it was just her overhearing. She got almost angry that I was even considering dropping out of IB math- and she said "No, you should do it." And when I asked why, she said "Because you're smart enough to do it."
I think that was really the deciding factor that pushed me over the line. That math teacher was one of the best math teachers I've ever had in my life, and I am so grateful I had her to help me understand math and make me like it. And I'm very, very glad that she insisted upon me doing that math class in IB, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to complete my IB diploma and that is something I am very, very glad I did.
But the interesting thing was that I did much better in that "advanced" math class than I had done in my grade 11 level math IB class (which I had completed in grade 10- we did math very quickly due to scheduling issues in my high school if we were in the IB program). And I actually really liked the subject material- I found it easy to follow, and of course that same amazing teacher was right there at the back of the room whenever I needed help on a question, or I could always ask Lucy, who sat next to me (fun fact: Lucy and I became friends after ending up sitting next to each other in math class), or the guys behind me.
Last semester, I took a math course, which was essentially just high school calc repeated. I finished the class with an A- and got a 92 on the midterm. This semester, I am taking the next class up (Like, if the class I took last semester was calc 1, this is calc 2) and I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I still struggle with the assignments because webassign gives really horrible questions and the answers are always wrong and just UGH I REALLY HATE WEBASSIGN OKAY, but there's help available and in the last few assignments I've found that I'm actually figuring out a lot of the problems on my own, and finding no inconsistencies when I look back (or finding little ones and fixing them). That's really nice. It's actually really, really, really great when I can solve a math problem and have it be right and know that I did that on my own. And I think telling myself that I'm good at math might be part of that.
There's probably something to the idea that how you think about something affects how you experience it. If I kept telling myself I was bad at math, the next logical step would be for me to give up because I'm never going to get the answer because I'm bad at math. But if I tell myself "You are good at math" (though strangely I am very bad at helping other people with different questions from calc 1), then when I get a problem wrong it's just a matter of me not remembering something, or not being sure where to look, or having a brief mind blank and not realizing that there's a very simple way to solve the question. To be fair, there's a LOT to remember with rules of integration, so it's not surprising that I forget stuff. But I'm getting it. I can follow along in class, everything makes sense in class, and it's wonderful. I really love calculus. It just makes so much sense. It's like solving puzzles- and I'm not usually the type of person who likes solving puzzles.
Does that mean I want to take more calculus? Well, I'm not really sure, given that I don't think I can minor in calculus or anything- only math, and there are several other areas of math that just look so mind-bogglingly horrible that I don't even want to get into them (even though I have to take statistics as a prereq for some higher level ecology courses, and stats are not always fun, and that class involves probability, and probability is the one area of math that I just cannot grasp- perhaps I should take the same approach as I did to calculus and tell myself I'm not bad at it, but the reality is, I'm not good at probability calculations, and frankly, I don't really want to be. Statistics themselves I think will be okay- just not the goddamned probability). So perhaps I will learn more calc in the future. I don't know. All I know is that's not really what I want to major or minor in right now.
In other news, I have recently learned that when women go into STEM fields, they often go into biology or psychology. Given that Carina has expressed a desire to change her major to psych and I'm very vehement about majoring in bio, I can't help but find that a little ironic. I always feel guilty when I hear statistics like this, too, but then again, I'm not responsible for those statistics. I just happen to fit them. And it's probably better that I pursue a degree in bio, a subject I really love and am really passionate about, because I'll do better in it- I'll enjoy my work more and probably be more motivated to work hard.
Earlier today Ptarckas also asked why I was interested in taking Ecology courses if stats was a prereq and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to enjoy stats- if you don't like the prereq, why take the class it's required for? Of course that logic doesn't really work all the time- I'm not really enjoying my introduction to cell biology type course (it's just so boring and slow and it's like high school but in horribly boring detail and I just don't care and UGH), but I still want to major in bio. I fell asleep all the time in the introduction to ecology type course last semester (okay, well, not fell asleep, but you know those classes where you just get really bored and you get drowsy and... this semester, that's chem for me, despite the fact that I have an excellent prof), but my memory of it is still one of enjoyment. I really liked that course and the labs in it were awesome, too. And guess what, I finished that class with the same grade as calc 1.
And then things like Ochem, which nobody likes, are prereqs for biochem and human physiology, which seem to be more popular.
So sure, perhaps I was wrong about "the 'astro' part of astrophysics will make the physics part bearable" (nothing can make 12 online assignments and 13 online quizzes bearable), but I still think that I'll enjoy bio despite the fact that stats are embedded in it. It's just in the nature of the course. Ha. Nature. Biology. I'm so funny.
Anyway, I have a very bad paper I wrote that I have to edit (eek, and I have to figure out how to cite all my sources soon) and some reading to do.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Our four desks were in a clump in front of the teacher's desk at the back of the room, and eventually I went to ask her what she thought, or maybe it was just her overhearing. She got almost angry that I was even considering dropping out of IB math- and she said "No, you should do it." And when I asked why, she said "Because you're smart enough to do it."
I think that was really the deciding factor that pushed me over the line. That math teacher was one of the best math teachers I've ever had in my life, and I am so grateful I had her to help me understand math and make me like it. And I'm very, very glad that she insisted upon me doing that math class in IB, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to complete my IB diploma and that is something I am very, very glad I did.
But the interesting thing was that I did much better in that "advanced" math class than I had done in my grade 11 level math IB class (which I had completed in grade 10- we did math very quickly due to scheduling issues in my high school if we were in the IB program). And I actually really liked the subject material- I found it easy to follow, and of course that same amazing teacher was right there at the back of the room whenever I needed help on a question, or I could always ask Lucy, who sat next to me (fun fact: Lucy and I became friends after ending up sitting next to each other in math class), or the guys behind me.
Last semester, I took a math course, which was essentially just high school calc repeated. I finished the class with an A- and got a 92 on the midterm. This semester, I am taking the next class up (Like, if the class I took last semester was calc 1, this is calc 2) and I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I still struggle with the assignments because webassign gives really horrible questions and the answers are always wrong and just UGH I REALLY HATE WEBASSIGN OKAY, but there's help available and in the last few assignments I've found that I'm actually figuring out a lot of the problems on my own, and finding no inconsistencies when I look back (or finding little ones and fixing them). That's really nice. It's actually really, really, really great when I can solve a math problem and have it be right and know that I did that on my own. And I think telling myself that I'm good at math might be part of that.
There's probably something to the idea that how you think about something affects how you experience it. If I kept telling myself I was bad at math, the next logical step would be for me to give up because I'm never going to get the answer because I'm bad at math. But if I tell myself "You are good at math" (though strangely I am very bad at helping other people with different questions from calc 1), then when I get a problem wrong it's just a matter of me not remembering something, or not being sure where to look, or having a brief mind blank and not realizing that there's a very simple way to solve the question. To be fair, there's a LOT to remember with rules of integration, so it's not surprising that I forget stuff. But I'm getting it. I can follow along in class, everything makes sense in class, and it's wonderful. I really love calculus. It just makes so much sense. It's like solving puzzles- and I'm not usually the type of person who likes solving puzzles.
Does that mean I want to take more calculus? Well, I'm not really sure, given that I don't think I can minor in calculus or anything- only math, and there are several other areas of math that just look so mind-bogglingly horrible that I don't even want to get into them (even though I have to take statistics as a prereq for some higher level ecology courses, and stats are not always fun, and that class involves probability, and probability is the one area of math that I just cannot grasp- perhaps I should take the same approach as I did to calculus and tell myself I'm not bad at it, but the reality is, I'm not good at probability calculations, and frankly, I don't really want to be. Statistics themselves I think will be okay- just not the goddamned probability). So perhaps I will learn more calc in the future. I don't know. All I know is that's not really what I want to major or minor in right now.
In other news, I have recently learned that when women go into STEM fields, they often go into biology or psychology. Given that Carina has expressed a desire to change her major to psych and I'm very vehement about majoring in bio, I can't help but find that a little ironic. I always feel guilty when I hear statistics like this, too, but then again, I'm not responsible for those statistics. I just happen to fit them. And it's probably better that I pursue a degree in bio, a subject I really love and am really passionate about, because I'll do better in it- I'll enjoy my work more and probably be more motivated to work hard.
Earlier today Ptarckas also asked why I was interested in taking Ecology courses if stats was a prereq and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to enjoy stats- if you don't like the prereq, why take the class it's required for? Of course that logic doesn't really work all the time- I'm not really enjoying my introduction to cell biology type course (it's just so boring and slow and it's like high school but in horribly boring detail and I just don't care and UGH), but I still want to major in bio. I fell asleep all the time in the introduction to ecology type course last semester (okay, well, not fell asleep, but you know those classes where you just get really bored and you get drowsy and... this semester, that's chem for me, despite the fact that I have an excellent prof), but my memory of it is still one of enjoyment. I really liked that course and the labs in it were awesome, too. And guess what, I finished that class with the same grade as calc 1.
And then things like Ochem, which nobody likes, are prereqs for biochem and human physiology, which seem to be more popular.
So sure, perhaps I was wrong about "the 'astro' part of astrophysics will make the physics part bearable" (nothing can make 12 online assignments and 13 online quizzes bearable), but I still think that I'll enjoy bio despite the fact that stats are embedded in it. It's just in the nature of the course. Ha. Nature. Biology. I'm so funny.
Anyway, I have a very bad paper I wrote that I have to edit (eek, and I have to figure out how to cite all my sources soon) and some reading to do.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Monday, January 20, 2014
My big scary park adventure
I got on the bus at a weird bus stop halfway down the street between my street and uni, and I waited there for 15 minutes before the bus I wanted showed up. I rode that bus for seven minutes, got off, and panicked when I didn't know where I was. But then I saw the park behind me, remembered the direction in which we walked at orientation, and headed that way.
I realized it was a bad idea pretty quickly. There was no one out there but me- it's right by a major road in the city, one of those ones that goes fast but usually there aren't a ton of cars. I knew I had about 50 minutes until the sun completely set, and so I finally found the entrance to the park and started walking along a path cleared in the show. When I tried to deviate from this path, the snow went up to my knees, so I had to follow it.
I found a picnic shelter by a playground, thinking that was the place, and then got frustrated and pulled out google maps on my phone when it wasn't. Following google maps, I managed to find the rink after a lot of walking. The only other people I saw were people jogging.
When I finally found the rink, there was a fence all around it and it didn't look like anyone was in the booth of the building where they did skate sharpening and rentals, so I turned around. It was pretty warm last week, pretty much above zero the whole time. I guess the ice was too thin to skate on... I'll have to wait until it gets chilly again and then try. Perhaps this Friday I'll go again. Now that I know the way, I can just leave after school or something.
Anyway, on my way out, I took some pictures, and realized how big the park actually was. Even at home, we have a few parks that are pretty large, but that park just felt... vast. Empty. Sort of like a National Park, and I felt like I was in it all alone as night was dawning. The trees were really big, too, and the park itself IS actually very large. It was kind of nice, though, to feel small, and to realize I'd trekked through that park all on my own.
I'd very much like to go again. But I'd like to actually skate this time. The rink was beautiful, nestled in all that nature. Come on, slightly colder temperatures!
Oh, and a few pictures of the sunset.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I realized it was a bad idea pretty quickly. There was no one out there but me- it's right by a major road in the city, one of those ones that goes fast but usually there aren't a ton of cars. I knew I had about 50 minutes until the sun completely set, and so I finally found the entrance to the park and started walking along a path cleared in the show. When I tried to deviate from this path, the snow went up to my knees, so I had to follow it.
I found a picnic shelter by a playground, thinking that was the place, and then got frustrated and pulled out google maps on my phone when it wasn't. Following google maps, I managed to find the rink after a lot of walking. The only other people I saw were people jogging.
When I finally found the rink, there was a fence all around it and it didn't look like anyone was in the booth of the building where they did skate sharpening and rentals, so I turned around. It was pretty warm last week, pretty much above zero the whole time. I guess the ice was too thin to skate on... I'll have to wait until it gets chilly again and then try. Perhaps this Friday I'll go again. Now that I know the way, I can just leave after school or something.
Anyway, on my way out, I took some pictures, and realized how big the park actually was. Even at home, we have a few parks that are pretty large, but that park just felt... vast. Empty. Sort of like a National Park, and I felt like I was in it all alone as night was dawning. The trees were really big, too, and the park itself IS actually very large. It was kind of nice, though, to feel small, and to realize I'd trekked through that park all on my own.
I'd very much like to go again. But I'd like to actually skate this time. The rink was beautiful, nestled in all that nature. Come on, slightly colder temperatures!
Oh, and a few pictures of the sunset.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, January 19, 2014
I feel like I kinda know what love is
It's not very exciting. It just sort of... is. I mean, I don't think wanting other people to be happy necessarily comes from loving them. That just comes from caring about someone. But for me it's like when I find all these stupid, pointless little things about a person that I love- anything from mannerisms to things they say a lot, to just little physical things- and I keep getting reminded of them, all the time. I'm not saying people are just a sum of their parts, but maybe they are. People are a sum of their actions and the way they talk and treat other people and yes, how they appear physically. I'm able to evaluate people on all of those, and I think when you find you love more than you hate, that's love.
There's things about all the people I love that I hate, too. But those parts aren't important. Everyone has some qualities in them that probably piss other people off, including me. I think love is about realizing that you don't really care about those because being negative is no fun.
And right now, for me, the people I love, I know I love them, and... I can't say it feels "right", that doesn't sound right (pardon the irony). But it feels... correct, I guess, as mathematical as that sounds. It doesn't feel wrong, or bad. But it's not like this overwhelming rush of emotions. It just is. It's just there. I mean, I suppose love can make people feel an overwhelming rush of emotions (it's like with a pet- you love them, and then when something happens to them you get really scared and emotional and freak out, and everything hurts and is just so wrong. But in the end, if it turns out okay, you're okay too (and perhaps angry if the something that happened to them was someone else's fault- I know my family never went back to one kennel after Sadie stuck her nose through the fence and had it brutally chomped on by this idiot of a german shepherd they had out there- I mean seriously, control your fucking dog), and everything calms down again. Or like at weddings, when people can get so overwhelmed by the idea of loving each other or two other people loving each other that they start crying.
I think maybe that's why it's so easy for people to take people they love for granted, too- because love is like a background emotion. You don't really notice how much of it there is until it spirals out of control.
Anyway, I should get back to work, but first- I realized today that when someone says "it's always in the last place you look"- well of course it is, because you stop looking once you find it, making the place you found it the last place you looked (I don't know if other people already realized this but for me it was equivalent to realizing I could never recite pi backwards). Oh, and what "pardon" means in a legal sense- because above, I said "pardon the irony", like excuse the irony here. Being pardoned is being excused for doing something wrong. This connection literally never occurred to me until like two minutes ago.
yer pal,
swegan :)
There's things about all the people I love that I hate, too. But those parts aren't important. Everyone has some qualities in them that probably piss other people off, including me. I think love is about realizing that you don't really care about those because being negative is no fun.
And right now, for me, the people I love, I know I love them, and... I can't say it feels "right", that doesn't sound right (pardon the irony). But it feels... correct, I guess, as mathematical as that sounds. It doesn't feel wrong, or bad. But it's not like this overwhelming rush of emotions. It just is. It's just there. I mean, I suppose love can make people feel an overwhelming rush of emotions (it's like with a pet- you love them, and then when something happens to them you get really scared and emotional and freak out, and everything hurts and is just so wrong. But in the end, if it turns out okay, you're okay too (and perhaps angry if the something that happened to them was someone else's fault- I know my family never went back to one kennel after Sadie stuck her nose through the fence and had it brutally chomped on by this idiot of a german shepherd they had out there- I mean seriously, control your fucking dog), and everything calms down again. Or like at weddings, when people can get so overwhelmed by the idea of loving each other or two other people loving each other that they start crying.
I think maybe that's why it's so easy for people to take people they love for granted, too- because love is like a background emotion. You don't really notice how much of it there is until it spirals out of control.
Anyway, I should get back to work, but first- I realized today that when someone says "it's always in the last place you look"- well of course it is, because you stop looking once you find it, making the place you found it the last place you looked (I don't know if other people already realized this but for me it was equivalent to realizing I could never recite pi backwards). Oh, and what "pardon" means in a legal sense- because above, I said "pardon the irony", like excuse the irony here. Being pardoned is being excused for doing something wrong. This connection literally never occurred to me until like two minutes ago.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Finally settled
I feel very at peace today. It took a couple of weeks to settle in, I guess. It still does suck thinking about the fact that no matter how much I get done there'll still be more to do for a long time this semester, but I know all I have to do is break everything down into manageable bite-size pieces so I only end up having to do 4 or 5 things a day. There's no point in trying to complete everything last minute.
I do worry that I'm spending too much time with ptarckas (I realize I talk about him a lot, and no, I'm not sorry). Right now it looks like we'll see each other three times a week on average, or maybe just 1 if I've got lots of homework during the week. I don't know if it's fair to say that I've been trying to keep in touch with everyone else. I suppose I could try harder, but then probably we all could and we're all just busy with schoolwork and stuff.
Besides, I would like to think I am becoming kind-of friends with the woman who sits next to me in math, and I sometimes talk to the girl who sits next to me in chem, and carina and I (and two of her other friends who seem to be just kind of accepting me into their group, at least to a certain extent) have biology and our lab together, so I see her a lot more, so that's good, and I know a guy in my English class from orientation, so we talk before class a lot. And women's and gender studies is just a fun class. I really like my prof and I really like the stuff we discuss in that class. Plus, I feel like on some level I already have a grasp on a lot of it, PLUS today our prof got people who volunteer in the community with organizations that focus on helping women to talk about what they did so that maybe the rest of us could do some volunteering. I'm definitely interested, but some of these opportunities require a lot of intense training, and I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to take on more right now, especially now that the EPASS fundraising campaign is about to launch (I mean, we haven't met since school started due to illness and scheduling conflicts, but we have to start at SOME point).
Even though I've gotten like 2 things done tonight (today being one of the days that ptarckas and I hang out), I feel very... peaceful, and at ease. It's been a long week, I guess, and tomorrow IS friday, and I just really like spending time with ptarckas. He seems to be the one person I can't get sick of (and I can state this with a reasonable level of certainty because we have ended up accidentally spending very long periods of time together) (like maybe upwards of 36 hours) (it was an accident okay). I just sort of want him around all the time, which of course is horribly impractical, and we both agree on this. Sigh. I guess I'll just have to wait until finals week rolls around again and we realize "hey, no classes" and spend an unreasonably long amount of time together again, like last finals week.
I actually miss finals week. There was an end in sight, something to look forward to. Right now the closest thing I have to look forward to is Valentine's Day, followed by the reading week break. Sigh.
Back to the grindstone! It's not really that bad, anyway, and tomorrow's friday, woohoo!
yer pal,
swegan :)
I do worry that I'm spending too much time with ptarckas (I realize I talk about him a lot, and no, I'm not sorry). Right now it looks like we'll see each other three times a week on average, or maybe just 1 if I've got lots of homework during the week. I don't know if it's fair to say that I've been trying to keep in touch with everyone else. I suppose I could try harder, but then probably we all could and we're all just busy with schoolwork and stuff.
Besides, I would like to think I am becoming kind-of friends with the woman who sits next to me in math, and I sometimes talk to the girl who sits next to me in chem, and carina and I (and two of her other friends who seem to be just kind of accepting me into their group, at least to a certain extent) have biology and our lab together, so I see her a lot more, so that's good, and I know a guy in my English class from orientation, so we talk before class a lot. And women's and gender studies is just a fun class. I really like my prof and I really like the stuff we discuss in that class. Plus, I feel like on some level I already have a grasp on a lot of it, PLUS today our prof got people who volunteer in the community with organizations that focus on helping women to talk about what they did so that maybe the rest of us could do some volunteering. I'm definitely interested, but some of these opportunities require a lot of intense training, and I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to take on more right now, especially now that the EPASS fundraising campaign is about to launch (I mean, we haven't met since school started due to illness and scheduling conflicts, but we have to start at SOME point).
Even though I've gotten like 2 things done tonight (today being one of the days that ptarckas and I hang out), I feel very... peaceful, and at ease. It's been a long week, I guess, and tomorrow IS friday, and I just really like spending time with ptarckas. He seems to be the one person I can't get sick of (and I can state this with a reasonable level of certainty because we have ended up accidentally spending very long periods of time together) (like maybe upwards of 36 hours) (it was an accident okay). I just sort of want him around all the time, which of course is horribly impractical, and we both agree on this. Sigh. I guess I'll just have to wait until finals week rolls around again and we realize "hey, no classes" and spend an unreasonably long amount of time together again, like last finals week.
I actually miss finals week. There was an end in sight, something to look forward to. Right now the closest thing I have to look forward to is Valentine's Day, followed by the reading week break. Sigh.
Back to the grindstone! It's not really that bad, anyway, and tomorrow's friday, woohoo!
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Something happened in Ireland that's been bugging me lately
We went out to this medieval-themed dinner at a real castle- and they really went all out. The room we ate in was packed tight, the with lots of people squeezed onto benches. We were given only a knife and napkin, and we ate with our hands, tearing meat off the bone. There was live entertainment, and someone even got thrown in jail for a little bit. One guy got embarrassingly drunk off of mead. I sat diagonally across from a woman from the US who did nothing but complain about the meal, but she was like, laughing the whole time. "Oh, I don't like this. Next course, hahahahah" and I was like bitch you are a grown woman, act like it, but that's not what's bugging me.
The dessert they brought out they said was I think traditional Irish something or other, and it was some sort of dessert with berries. I don't remember what the dessert was, I think a pudding of some sort, but I remember them calling the berries "Lover's kisses" and then telling us their actual name. Apparently when you eat them, your lover is supposed to feed them to you or something like that. I can still remember how that dessert tasted. It was delicious and wonderful and I can't remember what the berries were called and all I get when I google search it are results like "mistletoe" and "Rachel Berry" (I'm not kidding).
The thing is, when I was in Ireland, I was still making a big fuss out of the fact that I had never really had a real kiss, nothing more than a peck. And so eating that dessert, I thought, it must be as enjoyable as this dessert right here to have a real kiss.
I can tell you now that that's true, that it is that enjoyable, and I understand why they call the berries that (of course the complain-y woman across from me didn't like the dessert either; I was dumbfounded at how anyone couldn't like it. The berries were sweet, but not overly sweet, and they didn't taste like any other berry I've ever had), but it really bothers me that I can't remember what they're called and that google is absolutely no help.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else knows. Also, I just wanted to share that story with you all. I've been thinking a great deal about love lately- not that I'm in it (and that's what I'm thinking about)- and also I'm a bit lonely right now. It's the new year, and nobody at the lake even set off fireworks. My family was watching a movie and I checked my watch at 11:55 and then again at 12:02. It has been a thoroughly uneventful ringing-in-of-2014, and literally no one is online. Vince was for a second, but she must have just signed off as I sent her Happy New Year wishes. Ptarckas I haven't talked to in a couple of days, which is fine, I just miss him is all. I'm aware that I can get a little overbearing, and we have been having skype conversations every single night.
I just really want to talk to someone, but we don't have cell service out here and no one is online except Nerd, who I'm sure is playing video games. I guess I could give it a try. Maybe.
It's just that everyone here is in bed, and probably everyone else is out celebrating, or in bed, and I just feel all alone. There's nothing much left for me to do except go to sleep, and I don't want to do that because I'm sad. I guess I could talk to Nerd or write... but you know what I mean. It's New Year's. I should be celebrating, and I'm sitting alone in the middle of the woods instead.
Eh. I'll figure something out.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year and best wishes to all in 2014! It's going to be a good year, I can feel it.
The dessert they brought out they said was I think traditional Irish something or other, and it was some sort of dessert with berries. I don't remember what the dessert was, I think a pudding of some sort, but I remember them calling the berries "Lover's kisses" and then telling us their actual name. Apparently when you eat them, your lover is supposed to feed them to you or something like that. I can still remember how that dessert tasted. It was delicious and wonderful and I can't remember what the berries were called and all I get when I google search it are results like "mistletoe" and "Rachel Berry" (I'm not kidding).
The thing is, when I was in Ireland, I was still making a big fuss out of the fact that I had never really had a real kiss, nothing more than a peck. And so eating that dessert, I thought, it must be as enjoyable as this dessert right here to have a real kiss.
I can tell you now that that's true, that it is that enjoyable, and I understand why they call the berries that (of course the complain-y woman across from me didn't like the dessert either; I was dumbfounded at how anyone couldn't like it. The berries were sweet, but not overly sweet, and they didn't taste like any other berry I've ever had), but it really bothers me that I can't remember what they're called and that google is absolutely no help.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else knows. Also, I just wanted to share that story with you all. I've been thinking a great deal about love lately- not that I'm in it (and that's what I'm thinking about)- and also I'm a bit lonely right now. It's the new year, and nobody at the lake even set off fireworks. My family was watching a movie and I checked my watch at 11:55 and then again at 12:02. It has been a thoroughly uneventful ringing-in-of-2014, and literally no one is online. Vince was for a second, but she must have just signed off as I sent her Happy New Year wishes. Ptarckas I haven't talked to in a couple of days, which is fine, I just miss him is all. I'm aware that I can get a little overbearing, and we have been having skype conversations every single night.
I just really want to talk to someone, but we don't have cell service out here and no one is online except Nerd, who I'm sure is playing video games. I guess I could give it a try. Maybe.
It's just that everyone here is in bed, and probably everyone else is out celebrating, or in bed, and I just feel all alone. There's nothing much left for me to do except go to sleep, and I don't want to do that because I'm sad. I guess I could talk to Nerd or write... but you know what I mean. It's New Year's. I should be celebrating, and I'm sitting alone in the middle of the woods instead.
Eh. I'll figure something out.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year and best wishes to all in 2014! It's going to be a good year, I can feel it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Looking back on the things I've done
I WAS TRYING TO BE SOMEONE
I PLAYED MY PART
KEPT YOU IN THE DAAAARK
NOW LET ME SHOW YOU THE SHAPE OF MY HEAAAAAARRRRT
Couldn't help it.
But I felt that it was necessary to make a list. It's been a big year- mainly because it's the year I became an adult, and that always seems to be a big year of finishing and starting.
STUFF I DID IN 2013:
1. Got into the university I am now attending
2. Wrote lots of diploma exams
3. Finished my Extended Essay
4. Finished my second Internal Assessment
5. Completed 2 oral exams
6. Received my high school diploma in the mail
7. Travelled to London and France with my school and family
8. Completed 13 World Exams
9. Finished high school
10. Got my IB diploma
11. Travelled to Ireland with my family
12. Got a job in the lab I worked in last year for a second summer
13. Moved away from home to go to university
14. Joined EPASS and was assigned to be an apprentice PM
15. Made a friend in my bio class!
16. Made a friend in my philosophy class (this ties into 18 greatly but they are still separate things)
17. Turned 18.
18. Began a relationship
19. Finished my first semester of university
I realize some of these may seem more important than others, but they're all still big things. 2014 for me looks a lot less eventful- in summary, it will be second semester, job & travel over the summer, and then first semester of second year. Which is fine- it'll be nice to have a year that's less busy so I can focus on working at things and figuring out some more direction for my life. Oh, and learning how to be an adult better. And possibly trying to be active more regularly- especially now that my class schedule doesn't conflict with rec skate times 3 days a week. I realize skating might not be the most intense exercise ever, but it's still something and the closest to flying I can possibly get.
It's been a good year, a learning year, a year of change and growth and doing new things. But I'm still looking forward to a year of slower growth and learning, and adapting. A year of reflection, if you will.
Most of my New Year's resolutions always revolve around trying to be a better person, trying to be kinder to others, to not say mean things, to listen to other people more, and to be fair to myself and others. This year I think I should add that I should commit more to keeping in touch with friends, and that I should do more writing. I've done a bit recently- thinking of doing some more today. Hopefully by the time NaNoWriMo 2014 rolls around, I'll be back in the saddle and ready to win again.
A small thing I'd like to do as well is explore my new city more- the city I'm going to university in- and maybe to learn how to do makeup to a greater extent than I do now. I feel like having that knowledge could be really fun, but I'm still so afraid to try. Oh, and I want to be able to touch my toes with my legs straight. I feel so lame not being able to do that.
However, I'm not setting the goal of "losing weight", for obvious reasons. I just hate that after New Year's, all gyms have these ads out offering discounts to help people "fulfill their New Year's resolutions" or "lose the weight you gained over Christmas." Guess what, not everyone considers getting into better shape to be something to pledge to do in the new year. I've included exercise because it helps with my mood, making me more stable. Also I think it helps me get better sleep and just makes me do better in school in general, probably because of the sleep and endorphins. If I happen to get into better shape as a result, then so be it.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year's Eve!
I PLAYED MY PART
KEPT YOU IN THE DAAAARK
NOW LET ME SHOW YOU THE SHAPE OF MY HEAAAAAARRRRT
Couldn't help it.
But I felt that it was necessary to make a list. It's been a big year- mainly because it's the year I became an adult, and that always seems to be a big year of finishing and starting.
STUFF I DID IN 2013:
1. Got into the university I am now attending
2. Wrote lots of diploma exams
3. Finished my Extended Essay
4. Finished my second Internal Assessment
5. Completed 2 oral exams
6. Received my high school diploma in the mail
7. Travelled to London and France with my school and family
8. Completed 13 World Exams
9. Finished high school
10. Got my IB diploma
11. Travelled to Ireland with my family
12. Got a job in the lab I worked in last year for a second summer
13. Moved away from home to go to university
14. Joined EPASS and was assigned to be an apprentice PM
15. Made a friend in my bio class!
16. Made a friend in my philosophy class (this ties into 18 greatly but they are still separate things)
17. Turned 18.
18. Began a relationship
19. Finished my first semester of university
I realize some of these may seem more important than others, but they're all still big things. 2014 for me looks a lot less eventful- in summary, it will be second semester, job & travel over the summer, and then first semester of second year. Which is fine- it'll be nice to have a year that's less busy so I can focus on working at things and figuring out some more direction for my life. Oh, and learning how to be an adult better. And possibly trying to be active more regularly- especially now that my class schedule doesn't conflict with rec skate times 3 days a week. I realize skating might not be the most intense exercise ever, but it's still something and the closest to flying I can possibly get.
It's been a good year, a learning year, a year of change and growth and doing new things. But I'm still looking forward to a year of slower growth and learning, and adapting. A year of reflection, if you will.
Most of my New Year's resolutions always revolve around trying to be a better person, trying to be kinder to others, to not say mean things, to listen to other people more, and to be fair to myself and others. This year I think I should add that I should commit more to keeping in touch with friends, and that I should do more writing. I've done a bit recently- thinking of doing some more today. Hopefully by the time NaNoWriMo 2014 rolls around, I'll be back in the saddle and ready to win again.
A small thing I'd like to do as well is explore my new city more- the city I'm going to university in- and maybe to learn how to do makeup to a greater extent than I do now. I feel like having that knowledge could be really fun, but I'm still so afraid to try. Oh, and I want to be able to touch my toes with my legs straight. I feel so lame not being able to do that.
However, I'm not setting the goal of "losing weight", for obvious reasons. I just hate that after New Year's, all gyms have these ads out offering discounts to help people "fulfill their New Year's resolutions" or "lose the weight you gained over Christmas." Guess what, not everyone considers getting into better shape to be something to pledge to do in the new year. I've included exercise because it helps with my mood, making me more stable. Also I think it helps me get better sleep and just makes me do better in school in general, probably because of the sleep and endorphins. If I happen to get into better shape as a result, then so be it.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year's Eve!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
God damn I am a fucking wizard
I have this skirt and I decided to try it on a couple of different ways, and let's just say I can go from "holy shit fucking sexy" to "I am the CEO of the corporation that will run your corporation into the ground" to "isn't this a lovely dinner party" like FUCKING THIS IS WHAT VERSATILITY IS. Now all I need is eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man, and I'm all set. Unfortunately, I haven't attained that level of wizard status yet, but I am capable of curling my hair with a straightening iron and I did that successfully on the first try and I can also make my lips look as red as the blood of the men I could kill if I could use liquid eyeliner successfully.
I've just been living in jeans and hoodies b/c finals and I wanted to put on something that felt more feminine. This has definitely done the trick. I am a fucking goddess right now, you guys. And I will RUN YOUR CORPORATION INTO THE GROUND AND LOOK FUCKING FABULOUS WHILE DOING SO HELL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I've just been living in jeans and hoodies b/c finals and I wanted to put on something that felt more feminine. This has definitely done the trick. I am a fucking goddess right now, you guys. And I will RUN YOUR CORPORATION INTO THE GROUND AND LOOK FUCKING FABULOUS WHILE DOING SO HELL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Someday all this will be stories and I like the idea of that
I like the idea of telling people about my university years someday, and getting to say "I had a fantastic first semester- I have no idea how it was so good, but I managed to do well in all my classes, visit home a couple of times, make new friends, get involved in an awesome club that allowed me to explore my interest in space, and I got a boyfriend." Like how. How is this happening. How am I doing this. IT LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE I HAVE MY LIFE ALL FIGURED OUT AND I STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD FEEL THAT WAY.
Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.
Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.
Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)
The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.
Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.
Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)
The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING
So there's this link that was shared on my facebook page by the "Because I am a Girl Canada" page that I follow. It's an article in The Atlantic about some yahoo being invited to speak in "public" schools in the South of the US. It's all about "how to be dateable", and of course it enforces ridiculously sexist stereotypes (about both genders, might I add) that are just complete and total bullshit. The article (which is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/christian-speaker-tells-public-school-students-how-to-be-dateable/281488/) mentions that he has a site, so just for shits and giggles, I found it, and there was a "R U DATEABLE" quiz at the bottom so I thought hey, what the hell.
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!
Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.
I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!
Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.
I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
I challenge thee
Say nice things about yourself to yourself when you are having a bad day.
Just stop when you walk in front of the mirror, and look at yourself. Look at you! Look at how gorgeous you are. Look at that hair, oh man, it's so fucking delightful. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT. And those eyes. HOLY WOW. They are really something. And your cheeks, when you smile, when you frown, when you cry- absolutely fucking gorgeous, all the time. Isn't it amazing, how beautiful you are when you look at yourself?
Look at the rest of you, too. I like to look at my hands, I love my hands, they're so tiny, slender, elegant. If I bend them the right way, I can convey a meaning of different things, I can write story after story with these hands and fingers. And my arms! Oh my goodness, look at them, with random little bumps here and there- isn't that funny? And the freckles in a triangular shape on my arm- aren't those neat? I just love them. And that mole, there, on my right arm- that's how I learned to tell the difference between right and left as a kid.
And my legs. Holy fucking hell, legs. LEGS. Legs are great. Muscular legs, lean legs, flabby legs. All of them. Love them. Fucking beautiful. They get you places. They let you dance and run.
And even if you don't have these things, you're still beautiful. Look at you, look at all you still have! You are still human, you still have a beating heart, a digestive system, a pair of lungs that let you breathe in all the air around you. And when you do, there's still gas exchange, and then those gases are pumped through the heart to the brain, to the organs, and everything functions. Maybe it doesn't always function right, but the underlying biology is still there, and there is so much inherent beauty in that, in all its complexity.
And look at all you can do! Everyone can do things. Maybe they're not things that are "useful", but you can still do stuff. You can pick flowers, or sing, or pick things up, you can communicate and learn, love, cry, you can become anything. You can become a vast array of things with your vast array of skills. And maybe you don't have a really cool one, like drawing or beatboxing or being able to come up with poetry on the fly. So what? Those talents are just as beautiful and wonderful as any of yours. You don't have to be excellent at things, either, to feel good about them. I can make outfits. Woohoo! Look at that, look at that thing I can do. I can come up with stories- I am so proud of that. I wear that like a badge of honour.
And feelings, look at all the feelings you have! You are human, after all, and humans have so many different emotions, and they are so different for everyone. And they are such wonderful mysteries, as is everything else about the brain, about the body, about people. People are such puzzles, mysteries of biology and personality and decoration.
Let's just stop there for a minute, and zoom back out. Just look at you- all of you. Everything you have done and will do, everything you are doing, the ways in which you have chosen to dress and decorate yourself, the things you can do, the things you wish you could, the thoughts you have from day to day. People are just so beautiful, and you are a person.
Yesterday, I had to wake up at five thirty. I was exhausted and grumpy all day, and I didn't do as well on my essay as I would have liked. So on my way down for dinner, I stopped in front of the mirror, and looked at all the positive things I see in myself. I think the best thing is that I am far from perfect, but I get up every day anyway, and just try to get through the day, plan for the future, make people laugh, learn something new. You are imperfect too, and you have still done things. And you can do more things now if you want. All you have to do is get up anyway, get up despite, and someday it will start feeling more like getting up because.
I just feel like I have all this self-esteem coming out of me, radiating off like waves. Sure, maybe I procrastinate and can sometimes accidentally say really mean things, and sometimes I'm clumsy and embarrass myself, and I often don't pick up on things that are sometimes embarrassingly obvious. So what? I'm still here. I get up because I am worth getting up for, because I know people want to see me today, because I want to go to school and learn, because I want to try and make someone else happy. And some days, yes, I get up despite the fact that going to math does not sound like my idea of fun. But you just gotta keep trying anyway.
That's why I don't like the quote "do or do not, there is no try" because it draws such a distinct line between success and failure. There is try, and sometimes it's all you can do. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't even try. Pick yourself up and keep going anyway.
People are just so beautiful, and I just feel like the world is, too. And life, life is so amazing, and that's why I'm studying biology.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Just stop when you walk in front of the mirror, and look at yourself. Look at you! Look at how gorgeous you are. Look at that hair, oh man, it's so fucking delightful. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT. And those eyes. HOLY WOW. They are really something. And your cheeks, when you smile, when you frown, when you cry- absolutely fucking gorgeous, all the time. Isn't it amazing, how beautiful you are when you look at yourself?
Look at the rest of you, too. I like to look at my hands, I love my hands, they're so tiny, slender, elegant. If I bend them the right way, I can convey a meaning of different things, I can write story after story with these hands and fingers. And my arms! Oh my goodness, look at them, with random little bumps here and there- isn't that funny? And the freckles in a triangular shape on my arm- aren't those neat? I just love them. And that mole, there, on my right arm- that's how I learned to tell the difference between right and left as a kid.
And my legs. Holy fucking hell, legs. LEGS. Legs are great. Muscular legs, lean legs, flabby legs. All of them. Love them. Fucking beautiful. They get you places. They let you dance and run.
And even if you don't have these things, you're still beautiful. Look at you, look at all you still have! You are still human, you still have a beating heart, a digestive system, a pair of lungs that let you breathe in all the air around you. And when you do, there's still gas exchange, and then those gases are pumped through the heart to the brain, to the organs, and everything functions. Maybe it doesn't always function right, but the underlying biology is still there, and there is so much inherent beauty in that, in all its complexity.
And look at all you can do! Everyone can do things. Maybe they're not things that are "useful", but you can still do stuff. You can pick flowers, or sing, or pick things up, you can communicate and learn, love, cry, you can become anything. You can become a vast array of things with your vast array of skills. And maybe you don't have a really cool one, like drawing or beatboxing or being able to come up with poetry on the fly. So what? Those talents are just as beautiful and wonderful as any of yours. You don't have to be excellent at things, either, to feel good about them. I can make outfits. Woohoo! Look at that, look at that thing I can do. I can come up with stories- I am so proud of that. I wear that like a badge of honour.
And feelings, look at all the feelings you have! You are human, after all, and humans have so many different emotions, and they are so different for everyone. And they are such wonderful mysteries, as is everything else about the brain, about the body, about people. People are such puzzles, mysteries of biology and personality and decoration.
Let's just stop there for a minute, and zoom back out. Just look at you- all of you. Everything you have done and will do, everything you are doing, the ways in which you have chosen to dress and decorate yourself, the things you can do, the things you wish you could, the thoughts you have from day to day. People are just so beautiful, and you are a person.
Yesterday, I had to wake up at five thirty. I was exhausted and grumpy all day, and I didn't do as well on my essay as I would have liked. So on my way down for dinner, I stopped in front of the mirror, and looked at all the positive things I see in myself. I think the best thing is that I am far from perfect, but I get up every day anyway, and just try to get through the day, plan for the future, make people laugh, learn something new. You are imperfect too, and you have still done things. And you can do more things now if you want. All you have to do is get up anyway, get up despite, and someday it will start feeling more like getting up because.
I just feel like I have all this self-esteem coming out of me, radiating off like waves. Sure, maybe I procrastinate and can sometimes accidentally say really mean things, and sometimes I'm clumsy and embarrass myself, and I often don't pick up on things that are sometimes embarrassingly obvious. So what? I'm still here. I get up because I am worth getting up for, because I know people want to see me today, because I want to go to school and learn, because I want to try and make someone else happy. And some days, yes, I get up despite the fact that going to math does not sound like my idea of fun. But you just gotta keep trying anyway.
That's why I don't like the quote "do or do not, there is no try" because it draws such a distinct line between success and failure. There is try, and sometimes it's all you can do. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't even try. Pick yourself up and keep going anyway.
People are just so beautiful, and I just feel like the world is, too. And life, life is so amazing, and that's why I'm studying biology.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I MADE IT FACEBOOK OFFICIAL U GUISE
I am now in a relationship. Also currently waiting for my mother's disapproval. Sigh.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I got to go to Grag's karate class tonight, and after the first hour when the parents and their small children left because small children have school in the morning, I was invited to try. Apparently I wasn't that bad, which I think stems from all the dance I did as a kid. The setup of the class was very similar.
After the class he noted that when I had attempted to take him down (we had to do that with everyone and there is probably a better name for it but this was my first time going to any sort of karate class at all so deal with it) was pretty much the closest we've ever been physically. Which was actually true. When we finally got off the bus at the university again I had literally been trying to hold his hand all night and so finally I just sort of brought it up in conversation and was super subtle-but-not-subtle about it and he was all "Well, as someone with no relationship experience, I suppose you could just ask... do you want to hold hands?" And I smiled like an idiot and reached down and held his hand and I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH PEOPLE OMFG IT IS THE BEST.
Also at one point on the bus he kind of indirectly described himself as my boyfriend, which I then indirectly validated, so... yeah. I think it's pretty clear that it's a real relationship.
Of course now I'm being all stupid and can't think about anything else and I just feel like a giant idiot from smiling so much. It's kind of sad. I really need to get something done. LIKE MY ENGLISH PAPER, AHHHHH. HALF MY GRADE AND NOT VERY GOOD. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. (according to the peer review my thesis is unclear and not original (too late to change it now though yolo i guess) and my paragraphs aren't very well organized and I'm too wordy and need to be more concise) (which is why I'm glad I have no class tomorrow morning so I can start to make that paper better)
Oh, and the Christmas party is a thing that will be happening and he was saying tonight that he's got a suit for it and like dress shoes and everything and it's like WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW I WILL THINK OF NOTHING ELSE I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE I LIKE DRESSED UP YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS IT IS RIDIC. ALSO MISTLETOE IS A THING THAT HAPPENS AT CHRISTMAS. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS. *internally panics and is excited at the same time*
Omg though just things are good right now. EXCEPT HAHAH THAT BIO LAB PRESENTATION IS DUE NEXT WEEK OMFG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AHHHH
No it will be fine our TA is nice and all we have to do is present our data and like analyze it that is not that hard IT WILL BE FINE CALM DOWN.
yer pal,
swegan :)
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I got to go to Grag's karate class tonight, and after the first hour when the parents and their small children left because small children have school in the morning, I was invited to try. Apparently I wasn't that bad, which I think stems from all the dance I did as a kid. The setup of the class was very similar.
After the class he noted that when I had attempted to take him down (we had to do that with everyone and there is probably a better name for it but this was my first time going to any sort of karate class at all so deal with it) was pretty much the closest we've ever been physically. Which was actually true. When we finally got off the bus at the university again I had literally been trying to hold his hand all night and so finally I just sort of brought it up in conversation and was super subtle-but-not-subtle about it and he was all "Well, as someone with no relationship experience, I suppose you could just ask... do you want to hold hands?" And I smiled like an idiot and reached down and held his hand and I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH PEOPLE OMFG IT IS THE BEST.
Also at one point on the bus he kind of indirectly described himself as my boyfriend, which I then indirectly validated, so... yeah. I think it's pretty clear that it's a real relationship.
Of course now I'm being all stupid and can't think about anything else and I just feel like a giant idiot from smiling so much. It's kind of sad. I really need to get something done. LIKE MY ENGLISH PAPER, AHHHHH. HALF MY GRADE AND NOT VERY GOOD. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. (according to the peer review my thesis is unclear and not original (too late to change it now though yolo i guess) and my paragraphs aren't very well organized and I'm too wordy and need to be more concise) (which is why I'm glad I have no class tomorrow morning so I can start to make that paper better)
Oh, and the Christmas party is a thing that will be happening and he was saying tonight that he's got a suit for it and like dress shoes and everything and it's like WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW I WILL THINK OF NOTHING ELSE I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE I LIKE DRESSED UP YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS IT IS RIDIC. ALSO MISTLETOE IS A THING THAT HAPPENS AT CHRISTMAS. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS. *internally panics and is excited at the same time*
Omg though just things are good right now. EXCEPT HAHAH THAT BIO LAB PRESENTATION IS DUE NEXT WEEK OMFG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AHHHH
No it will be fine our TA is nice and all we have to do is present our data and like analyze it that is not that hard IT WILL BE FINE CALM DOWN.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, November 10, 2013
CHRISTMAS PARTAY
but first GRAG REMINDS ME OF NILES SO HARD OMFG. I think it's the hair. Well, that, and sometimes the way he speaks. I dunno. It's like how my dad's cousin reminds me of Cameron Diaz, or how Zoey reminds me of Britney Spears (well, Britney Spears in like 2002). There is no explanation. There is just weird resemblance.
BUT BUT BUT he emailed me three times about three different things, one of which is this Christmas party that the students' union at our school apparently has. Since he volunteers, he gets to go, but he is also allowed one guest, and he invited me. :3 I should mention this is like, a fancy Christmas party with a theme, so I have to dress up, and EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FEELS SO ADULT OMFG IT IS WONDERFUL. The only problem now is that I don't actually have a dress that goes with the theme, but believe me, I'll sort something out. I have been freaking out about it all day. When I told my mother about it, she just said she hoped there would be no shenanigans, to which I responded: "Mom, if I say there won't be any shenanigans, there sure as hell won't be any shenanigans."
Can you wear a black dress to a Christmas party? Are these things adults are just supposed to know? FUCK WHAT IF HE WEARS A SUIT YOU GUYS AND HAS LIKE FUCKING DRESS SHOES AND EVERYTHING OMG I WILL LITERALLY DIE. It would be such a big jump from sweatpants and t-shirts and running shoes.
Now is when I realize I don't know how to hair, either. I guess if I can curl it somehow... I mean, I don't think Grag will really care what my hair looks like, but I care, and like 75% of every time I dress fancy is because I like dressing fancy. Also I think he mentioned this in part because I mentioned that I liked dressing fancy. He keeps doing that, remembering things I like. It's really sweet. I'm trying so hard to do the same thing back because I feel like that's how you show people you care about them. Or one way, anyway. However, so far I know very little about him other than that he does karate, is pretty nerdy (he plays dungeons and dragons, ergo, he is nerdy) (no like you can't dispute that with me that is how it is) (not that it's a bad thing), plays video games (sometimes??? I think??) and may or may not be a brony. Oh, and he's really good at philosophy. Well, I guess I know other things about him, too, but like... I don't really know what he likes. Geez. This is so hard.
Also I apologize for my entire blog being this lately but this does tend to happen. When I started university, this whole thing was university for like weeks and weeks, and I'm fairly certain this same thing that's happening right now may or may not have happened in grade nine. It's a good distraction from the fact that I'm about 8000 words behind on NaNo and have only written 3K today to catch up, which is just sad. Plus it was all dialogue, which I'm pretty proud of, but still. I wrote a scene. I can do better than that.
Also he's so f*cking sweet to me all the time I swear I'm going to get cavities if I don't talk about it.
But I did have a thought today, when I told mom about the guy who sits next to me in math and how his name is eerily similar to a history teacher I had in high school and she asked if he was cute-- I feel like my mother thinks that the guys that end up liking me are stereotypically attractive, and they never are. That's not to say they aren't attractive, just in different ways- this sounds really bad, but it's not, I swear- and I guess... I want to say my mom doesn't see that, but that's not quite it, either. I don't even think it's about that, it's about the fact that Grag is 22 and has basically done ... well, not a lot, since getting out of high school. I'm not going to lie and say that's attractive to me, either, but then again, it's not like it matters right now. I still think about middle school far more than I should, and that doesn't matter. I don't care if it's a stupid idea but right now I think, well, we get along, he's a good person, he's kind to me, and he's smart. I don't really see a need for much else. Well, he takes care of himself, too.
I think my mom... I think she just worries about me, but honestly I just wish she could be happy for me about this and then if it falls apart later, be sad with me. Literally everyone else I talk to is happy for me, even after I tell them what Grag is like (I feel so bad when people ask me if he's cute because... well, now I can say he's cute because he keeps doing all these fucking adorable things and just AUGH SO CUTE but as for the whole stereotypical-cute-boy thing, that's not really there for me), and the only person so far who's expressed such vehement disapproval is my mother. I can't even tell her that I think I can say we're dating now, because she'd protest it and it would just be depressing.
It's like, mother, you saw the guy I dated in high school, you saw how nerdy he was, how poorly he dressed, how not-stereotypical-cute-boy he was (I FEEL SO BAD SAYING THIS OMFG BUT PLS SAY YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN LIKE HOW IN BOOKS AND MOVIES THERE IS ALWAYS A CUTE GUY WHO IS ALSO SUPER NICE AND SMART AND YET IN REAL LIFE THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING COMPLEX AND BEAUTIFUL), and the only boy to like me before that also fits this category (although that was fifth grade and he wasn't very sweet, just awkward). I attract nerdy, sweet boys. That appears to be all. Probably a little because I'm a nerd myself. I don't attract the omfgsupercutewithperfecthair guys. I don't. And it's like you know what fine if that's how my life is going to be, that's really not that bad. It's not bad at all. It's not like I attract stupid asshole meanface boys, which would be far worse no matter how cute they were.
I just feel like saying "I care about what's on the inside" sounds way too corny and also way too not-humble like oh, look at me, look at how not-shallow I am. I am just as shallow as everyone else is- I mean, being physically attracted to people is important. But I think the thing is that physical attraction can grow out of just general attraction, but general attraction can't grow out of physical attraction alone, no matter how much 12-year-old-me may seem like a glaring counterexample. That wasn't general attraction. I don't know what that was. But trust me, it's way easier to become physically attracted to someone good (and I am using that term very vaguely here) than it is to someone bad. And I mean, everyone looks good when they dress up for something, so.... this should be a fun Christmas party.
I am just really hoping for dress shoes. You have no idea. What dress shoes. Do. To. My. Mind. (My sister earlier tonight said something funny along the lines of "well of course they do, everyone likes someone who dresses all fancy" or something- it was quite funny but I can't remember it now).
Oh god what if I actually suck at dancing OH NO.
No, no, I totally aced those dance units in gym in grades 9 and 10. I'll be fine... right? I mean obvi we won't be doing crazy country square dancing (which was so much fun tho actually) (I GOT TO DO THE ENTIRE GRADE 10 DANCE UNIT WITH NERD WHILE I WAS DATING HIM HOW DID WE HAVE SUCH GOOD LUCK OMFG) and it will probs be just as awkward as everyone else...
In case you couldn't tell by the length of this post, I'm a little nervous. And maybe just excited. Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
P.S. Hi Freckles. I know you are reading this, you little cupcake.
BUT BUT BUT he emailed me three times about three different things, one of which is this Christmas party that the students' union at our school apparently has. Since he volunteers, he gets to go, but he is also allowed one guest, and he invited me. :3 I should mention this is like, a fancy Christmas party with a theme, so I have to dress up, and EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FEELS SO ADULT OMFG IT IS WONDERFUL. The only problem now is that I don't actually have a dress that goes with the theme, but believe me, I'll sort something out. I have been freaking out about it all day. When I told my mother about it, she just said she hoped there would be no shenanigans, to which I responded: "Mom, if I say there won't be any shenanigans, there sure as hell won't be any shenanigans."
Can you wear a black dress to a Christmas party? Are these things adults are just supposed to know? FUCK WHAT IF HE WEARS A SUIT YOU GUYS AND HAS LIKE FUCKING DRESS SHOES AND EVERYTHING OMG I WILL LITERALLY DIE. It would be such a big jump from sweatpants and t-shirts and running shoes.
Now is when I realize I don't know how to hair, either. I guess if I can curl it somehow... I mean, I don't think Grag will really care what my hair looks like, but I care, and like 75% of every time I dress fancy is because I like dressing fancy. Also I think he mentioned this in part because I mentioned that I liked dressing fancy. He keeps doing that, remembering things I like. It's really sweet. I'm trying so hard to do the same thing back because I feel like that's how you show people you care about them. Or one way, anyway. However, so far I know very little about him other than that he does karate, is pretty nerdy (he plays dungeons and dragons, ergo, he is nerdy) (no like you can't dispute that with me that is how it is) (not that it's a bad thing), plays video games (sometimes??? I think??) and may or may not be a brony. Oh, and he's really good at philosophy. Well, I guess I know other things about him, too, but like... I don't really know what he likes. Geez. This is so hard.
Also I apologize for my entire blog being this lately but this does tend to happen. When I started university, this whole thing was university for like weeks and weeks, and I'm fairly certain this same thing that's happening right now may or may not have happened in grade nine. It's a good distraction from the fact that I'm about 8000 words behind on NaNo and have only written 3K today to catch up, which is just sad. Plus it was all dialogue, which I'm pretty proud of, but still. I wrote a scene. I can do better than that.
Also he's so f*cking sweet to me all the time I swear I'm going to get cavities if I don't talk about it.
But I did have a thought today, when I told mom about the guy who sits next to me in math and how his name is eerily similar to a history teacher I had in high school and she asked if he was cute-- I feel like my mother thinks that the guys that end up liking me are stereotypically attractive, and they never are. That's not to say they aren't attractive, just in different ways- this sounds really bad, but it's not, I swear- and I guess... I want to say my mom doesn't see that, but that's not quite it, either. I don't even think it's about that, it's about the fact that Grag is 22 and has basically done ... well, not a lot, since getting out of high school. I'm not going to lie and say that's attractive to me, either, but then again, it's not like it matters right now. I still think about middle school far more than I should, and that doesn't matter. I don't care if it's a stupid idea but right now I think, well, we get along, he's a good person, he's kind to me, and he's smart. I don't really see a need for much else. Well, he takes care of himself, too.
I think my mom... I think she just worries about me, but honestly I just wish she could be happy for me about this and then if it falls apart later, be sad with me. Literally everyone else I talk to is happy for me, even after I tell them what Grag is like (I feel so bad when people ask me if he's cute because... well, now I can say he's cute because he keeps doing all these fucking adorable things and just AUGH SO CUTE but as for the whole stereotypical-cute-boy thing, that's not really there for me), and the only person so far who's expressed such vehement disapproval is my mother. I can't even tell her that I think I can say we're dating now, because she'd protest it and it would just be depressing.
It's like, mother, you saw the guy I dated in high school, you saw how nerdy he was, how poorly he dressed, how not-stereotypical-cute-boy he was (I FEEL SO BAD SAYING THIS OMFG BUT PLS SAY YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN LIKE HOW IN BOOKS AND MOVIES THERE IS ALWAYS A CUTE GUY WHO IS ALSO SUPER NICE AND SMART AND YET IN REAL LIFE THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING COMPLEX AND BEAUTIFUL), and the only boy to like me before that also fits this category (although that was fifth grade and he wasn't very sweet, just awkward). I attract nerdy, sweet boys. That appears to be all. Probably a little because I'm a nerd myself. I don't attract the omfgsupercutewithperfecthair guys. I don't. And it's like you know what fine if that's how my life is going to be, that's really not that bad. It's not bad at all. It's not like I attract stupid asshole meanface boys, which would be far worse no matter how cute they were.
I just feel like saying "I care about what's on the inside" sounds way too corny and also way too not-humble like oh, look at me, look at how not-shallow I am. I am just as shallow as everyone else is- I mean, being physically attracted to people is important. But I think the thing is that physical attraction can grow out of just general attraction, but general attraction can't grow out of physical attraction alone, no matter how much 12-year-old-me may seem like a glaring counterexample. That wasn't general attraction. I don't know what that was. But trust me, it's way easier to become physically attracted to someone good (and I am using that term very vaguely here) than it is to someone bad. And I mean, everyone looks good when they dress up for something, so.... this should be a fun Christmas party.
I am just really hoping for dress shoes. You have no idea. What dress shoes. Do. To. My. Mind. (My sister earlier tonight said something funny along the lines of "well of course they do, everyone likes someone who dresses all fancy" or something- it was quite funny but I can't remember it now).
Oh god what if I actually suck at dancing OH NO.
No, no, I totally aced those dance units in gym in grades 9 and 10. I'll be fine... right? I mean obvi we won't be doing crazy country square dancing (which was so much fun tho actually) (I GOT TO DO THE ENTIRE GRADE 10 DANCE UNIT WITH NERD WHILE I WAS DATING HIM HOW DID WE HAVE SUCH GOOD LUCK OMFG) and it will probs be just as awkward as everyone else...
In case you couldn't tell by the length of this post, I'm a little nervous. And maybe just excited. Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
P.S. Hi Freckles. I know you are reading this, you little cupcake.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
STRESS RELIEF
So I have joined an engineering project on campus that is hoping to send a satellite to space on this NASA rocket in 2015. I need a nickname for it, too, because I can't actually say the name of it b/c then it gives away more of my location than I'm comfortable with. I'm thinking Engineering Project of Awesome Space Stuff, which, shortened, is EPASS, which is fine with me because it's easy to remember. Anyway, I got put as an apprentice project manager (b/c none of the technical stuff interested me at all) AND IT IS SO MUCH FUN OMG
I mean yes, there's work involved, and the other apprentice pm and I actually still have to create a spreadsheet to keep track of bi-monthly expense reports (which we designed... sort of... we sort of just made it very similar to a template, and he did most of the work b/c I don't know how to use excel) and I will probably get asked to do a lot of editing (FINE BY ME I LOVE FIXING GRAMMAR) and stuff. I still feel like I could do a lot more than I do... and speaking of which, the operations manager just quit so they need someone to do that, and the pm suggested the other apprentice and I do it. To be honest it frightens me a little, but I figure I can at least go see what operations is about before I make up my mind.
Basically what I do is go and try to learn how to do stuff, which is hard, yeah, but it's never super overwhelming. I do actually have a bunch of stuff to read (I have to have a knowledge of the technical aspects of the satellite on some level), but then again, I also have this giant long-ass weekend coming up so... I'm planning on doing a lot of reading, let's just say that. My chem textbook is packed away in my suitcase and my bio textbook has an online version, and then I have to read and edit an essay for a peer review (my english essay is kind of terrible and worth half my grade, so we'll see what I get out of the peer review), and then I have a math assignment I could start.
Basically what I do is go and try to learn how to do stuff, which is hard, yeah, but it's never super overwhelming. I do actually have a bunch of stuff to read (I have to have a knowledge of the technical aspects of the satellite on some level), but then again, I also have this giant long-ass weekend coming up so... I'm planning on doing a lot of reading, let's just say that. My chem textbook is packed away in my suitcase and my bio textbook has an online version, and then I have to read and edit an essay for a peer review (my english essay is kind of terrible and worth half my grade, so we'll see what I get out of the peer review), and then I have a math assignment I could start.
SPEAKING OF MATH ASSIGNMENTS... at an EPASS meeting tonight, after we had finished (well it was actually like 90% him b/c I don't know how to bs that well like holy crap it was amazing) I mentioned that now I would go home and work on this math assignment I was probably going to fail. And then I spent the next hour and a half getting help on my math assignment from the pm and the systems engineer (they happen to live together, and meeting was at pm's apartment (super handy since I live super close)) and it was actually so helpful and they were like "this is so fun" like omg HOW IS THIS FUN THIS MATH ASSIGNMENT LITERALLY MADE ME CRY LAST NIGHT but now I actually have a much better understanding of everything and I am just so relieved- that's the stress relief. Tomorrow the only homework time I have is 2 hours between math and bio, and then I have to skip my chem lecture to get to the airport on time for my flight out to the CABIN where I will see my family again and also get to sleep in absolute silence (well, aside from the trains that go by across the lake sometimes) and also not have to wear real clothes. Pajamas all day, every day, hell yes. Also, video games. I CANNOT WAIT TO PLAY SIMS AGAIN AND STUFF AND ALSO JUST DANCE WOOOOO. And movies! And junk food, and board games, and walks and snow and I get to see Sadie and just SO EXCITED.
Also Grag was super sweet today, which he basically is every time I see him, and at the EPASS meeting I may or may not have accidentally called him my boyfriend (which the systems engineer then proceeded to bug me about, saying "Oh, no, you called him your boyfriend, that's adorable") (I should mention the systems engineer also said on my way out the door "Say hi to your sexy boyfriend for me!" and omfg just EPASS meetings are seriously the best I am not kidding). Up until this point I had just said "we're going out" which is partially because when I said "dating" my mother freaked out and was like "nonononono, you're not dating, keep your options open" (that is extremely paraphrased btw) and I was like mom I can only date one person at a time I can't "keep my options open" wtf.
Anyway we had a serious relationship discussion today (well for like three minutes) (it was beautiful I've never had a serious relationship discussion before) so maybe he is my boyfriend now. I don't know. Labels are confusing. WHATEVER. We haven't even held hands yet. How can he be my boyfriend if I haven't even held his hand?
Blugh. Whatever. I'm going to do something productive now.
It's been a good day. AND I HOPE YOU ALL HAD GOOD DAYS TOO because you sure as hell deserve it, every last one of you beautiful fairy snowflakes.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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