I'm for serious on this one
Like, everyone describes it as something so overwhelming and amazing and "I love you more every day." This makes me worried because I definitely do not feel overwhelmed by my relationship with Ptarckas, and the way I feel about him is definitely not overwhelming or exciting or a huge rush. I just like hanging out with him and talking to him and doing stuff together, no matter what it is.
I suppose there was one point in the relationship near the beginning when everything was very exciting and new and I maybe did feel like that. I still feel like I love him, but I don't really know what that means. I don't want to see him hurt, I want him to be happy, and I enjoy being around him. Is that really all that love is?
I just feel so lied to. Pop culture paints love as very different from this, and I kind of feel like literature does as well. But it seems like it would be absolutely exhausting to feel that way about someone all the time, not to mention distracting. I have school to focus on- I can't be distracted by being starry-eyed all the time.
For now, I have decided that if we both like this arrangement we have and we both feel like we love each other, we really shouldn't care what other people think. If that's how this is going to work, then that's how it's going to work.
The only thing I have for sure right now is that we discussed this earlier, and the tone of the conversation made me very afraid we were heading for disaster. That was distracting. I was sick with worry, even though it really turned out to be nothing- but the relief I felt was still overwhelming. I don't know if this is just me being stubborn or if I'm just used to this- I don't know. I just knew that if we were to stop seeing each other, I would be really sad and lonely, and I didn't like the idea that he would be too. So it seems like continuing the relationship is the logical idea...
Ugh. I don't know how to do this. But I guess that's what being young is for?
yer pal,
swegan :S
Showing posts with label LESSTHANTHREE:D. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LESSTHANTHREE:D. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The thing about relationships
( I am talking in the romantic sense here, since I have been having some thoughts lately).
Recently it's become very interesting to me how different my first relationship was from my second (and current) relationship. The first time around I felt guilty for wanting attention- physical affection, mostly, things like hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. I also felt mad that I was the one who had to initiate conversation and communication outside of school. Probably a lot of these problems were from the fact that we were young and didn't know how to be in a relationship, but still. I also felt like expressing my desire to spend time with him and to be alone with him would sound "dumb" and "girly" and so I never said anything. Once he even got angry at me because I was trying to talk to him and he was trying to play video games. That really bothered me, enough that I started crying and felt horribly guilty. I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.
This time around, I am kind of still in that state. I feel more comfortable discussing what I like/need in terms of physical affection and closeness, and I've found someone who enjoys a similar level of those things (we are very snuggly people, and spending time in each other's physical presence is important to us) but more importantly, I feel valued this time around.
It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who I feel like actually WANTS to be in a relationship with me, too. Someone who doesn't communicate because they have to but because they actively want to, someone who spends a lot of time with me, someone who admits to being close to me. Someone who doesn't ever make me feel like the things I want or need are stupid or unimportant. I feel so happy now, in this relationship, that I am able to get what I want and give in return, that we are able to find a balance and make each other happy.
There are still times when I worry about bothering him, but this time around it's nice that when I bug him when he's playing video games, I don't get "the sound of you sending messages just gets a little annoying and distracting in the middle of a game", I get "sorry, I was busy, and I like reading what you write when I finish playing something." Obviously the first response was understandable, and not totally unreasonable, but I do actually like the second one better. I still try not to bug people a lot when it seems like they're busy, but it's nice not to get "you were being annoying" and more "no, I was just away, that's why I wasn't responding."
I just... I feel like I know better now. Obviously I don't know everything because I'm young and inexperienced, but I know more. I know how important communication is. I know how important physical affection and intimacy are to me. And I got to learn that from a really positive relationship experience, and I am still learning from it.
The best part is that when we have gotten mad in the past or fucked up, we've talked through it honestly, been willing to admit our own faults but also been able to recognize where we were not wrong, and been committed enough to continue the relationship to make it work again. It's really nice to feel cared about and loved. I still doubt it because of how my last relationship went, and sometimes I think just because it almost feels too good to be true.
Gah, I feel young and stupid and happy. Thank god for this exercise kick I just got started on. I feel like it's finally giving my brain enough dopamine and endorphins to see the happy without it feeling stupid. But that's a post for another time.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Recently it's become very interesting to me how different my first relationship was from my second (and current) relationship. The first time around I felt guilty for wanting attention- physical affection, mostly, things like hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. I also felt mad that I was the one who had to initiate conversation and communication outside of school. Probably a lot of these problems were from the fact that we were young and didn't know how to be in a relationship, but still. I also felt like expressing my desire to spend time with him and to be alone with him would sound "dumb" and "girly" and so I never said anything. Once he even got angry at me because I was trying to talk to him and he was trying to play video games. That really bothered me, enough that I started crying and felt horribly guilty. I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.
This time around, I am kind of still in that state. I feel more comfortable discussing what I like/need in terms of physical affection and closeness, and I've found someone who enjoys a similar level of those things (we are very snuggly people, and spending time in each other's physical presence is important to us) but more importantly, I feel valued this time around.
It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who I feel like actually WANTS to be in a relationship with me, too. Someone who doesn't communicate because they have to but because they actively want to, someone who spends a lot of time with me, someone who admits to being close to me. Someone who doesn't ever make me feel like the things I want or need are stupid or unimportant. I feel so happy now, in this relationship, that I am able to get what I want and give in return, that we are able to find a balance and make each other happy.
There are still times when I worry about bothering him, but this time around it's nice that when I bug him when he's playing video games, I don't get "the sound of you sending messages just gets a little annoying and distracting in the middle of a game", I get "sorry, I was busy, and I like reading what you write when I finish playing something." Obviously the first response was understandable, and not totally unreasonable, but I do actually like the second one better. I still try not to bug people a lot when it seems like they're busy, but it's nice not to get "you were being annoying" and more "no, I was just away, that's why I wasn't responding."
I just... I feel like I know better now. Obviously I don't know everything because I'm young and inexperienced, but I know more. I know how important communication is. I know how important physical affection and intimacy are to me. And I got to learn that from a really positive relationship experience, and I am still learning from it.
The best part is that when we have gotten mad in the past or fucked up, we've talked through it honestly, been willing to admit our own faults but also been able to recognize where we were not wrong, and been committed enough to continue the relationship to make it work again. It's really nice to feel cared about and loved. I still doubt it because of how my last relationship went, and sometimes I think just because it almost feels too good to be true.
Gah, I feel young and stupid and happy. Thank god for this exercise kick I just got started on. I feel like it's finally giving my brain enough dopamine and endorphins to see the happy without it feeling stupid. But that's a post for another time.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Someday all this will be stories and I like the idea of that
I like the idea of telling people about my university years someday, and getting to say "I had a fantastic first semester- I have no idea how it was so good, but I managed to do well in all my classes, visit home a couple of times, make new friends, get involved in an awesome club that allowed me to explore my interest in space, and I got a boyfriend." Like how. How is this happening. How am I doing this. IT LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE I HAVE MY LIFE ALL FIGURED OUT AND I STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD FEEL THAT WAY.
Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.
Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.
Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)
The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.
Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.
Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)
The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, September 21, 2013
MY CHILDHOOD
I watched a lot of quality shows, yo. And quite a few were Canadian. I later learned that apparently Canada actually has a reputation for making kids' shows.
Actually wow, I ended up watching a lot of Canadian kids' TV shows:
-Big Comfy Couch
-Little Bear
-Berenstein Bears
-George Shrinks (okay this wasn't entirely Canadian but still)
-Franklin
-Babar
-Bear in the Big Blue House
-Zoboomafoo (don't quote me on that)
-Max and Ruby
-Crazy Quilt
-Tansy and Roseabelle
-Jacob Two-two
And then the non-Canadian ones:
-Blues Clues (this one still holds a special spot in my heart. I loved this show)
-Spongebob Squarepants (THIS SHOW WAS GREAT for like four seasons)
-Barney
-Timothy goes to school
-Teletubbies
-Lamp Chop's Play Along
-Seven Little Monsters (is this one Canadian? I can't tell)
-Rolie Polie Olie
And then I got a little older and I remember watching others.
-Martin Mystery (FUN FACT: The girl who voices Diana also voices Barbie in most of the Barbie movies).
-Mystery Hunters (I got so scared of this so often that mom actually forbade me to watch it until I was 10)
-Totally Spies (this show was THE SHIT)
-6teen (I think I just watched it b/c one of my friends did)
-Life with Derek (this was Canadian, too!)
-The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
-Hannah Montana (Freckles made me watch it)
-Zoey 101
-Atomic Betty (not very often, though, I barely remember this one)
-I was a teenage robot (not often either)
Okay holy shit, I just had a thought. When mom forbade me to watch Mystery Hunters (THE EPISODE ABOUT THE GIANT BIRD MAN STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY) until I was 10... well, when I was 10, how i met your mother was just starting its first season, which confuses me. how i met your mother is a show I associate with being a teenager. Mystery Hunters is a show I associate very much with being a child.
Also can I say something about the theme songs? Because some of those kids shows had great theme songs. Franklin, Bear in the Big Blue House, Blues Clues, Berenstein Bears, Babar... there's lots of not-popular-music-music in there. Like actually all the music for Blues Clues is pretty much my favourite soundtrack for any TV show ever.
I think I need to watch some more of that show to put me to sleep. I'm all nostalgic now. And confused about Little Bear, because all I remember of that show is the one movie they made where they found another bear and had to help him get home?
And now I'm remembering books. I remember that one about the farmyard animal friends who went on a bike ride, and Click, Clack, Moo: Cows that Type and The Kissing Hand and all those Franklin/Berenstein bear books Freckles and I used to have read to us each night. We had a huge box of Franklin books and Berenstein Bear books all over the place. I remember going to chapters once when I was 13, and seeing "The Berenstein Bears go to Church" and feeling extremely disappointed. The Berenstein Bears always had adventures, but religion was never part of it. They were just living. Seeing that kind of made me feel like my childhood had ended.
SPEAKING OF BOOKS THE MAGIC TREE HOUSE SERIES WAS THE SHIT AND DON'T LET NOBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
And Junie B. Jones. JUNIE B. JONES. I am not kidding when I say those books probably influenced my writing more than you'd think. I still remember the first one I read. It was "Junie B. Jones is a Party Animal" and it was like my favourite book of all time. I think I ended up reading every single book in the series. So while everyone else was reading Harry Potter, that's what I was doing. Reading Junie B. Jones. So I guess that makes Barbara Park the author of my childhood. Actually I think those books probably influenced me as a person. I related to those books. I loved them. I gobbled them up. I read them all. I related immensely to Junie B. Jones. Shit, man. Those books mean something to me.
Okay. I seriously need to go to bed. Like, now. I feel all nostalgic and looking up at my calendar just reminds me I'm not a kid anymore and I'm supposed to like all these grown up shows and do grown up things like university and just UGH NOPE I WANT TO BE 7 AGAIN PLS. Although that means I'd have to go through middle school again. Let's just say I would rather never repeat middle school again. For anything. I am being perfectly serious when I say there is no amount of money you could pay me to go through middle school again.
GOODNIGHT
yer pal,
swegan :)
Actually wow, I ended up watching a lot of Canadian kids' TV shows:
-Big Comfy Couch
-Little Bear
-Berenstein Bears
-George Shrinks (okay this wasn't entirely Canadian but still)
-Franklin
-Babar
-Bear in the Big Blue House
-Zoboomafoo (don't quote me on that)
-Max and Ruby
-Crazy Quilt
-Tansy and Roseabelle
-Jacob Two-two
And then the non-Canadian ones:
-Blues Clues (this one still holds a special spot in my heart. I loved this show)
-Spongebob Squarepants (THIS SHOW WAS GREAT for like four seasons)
-Barney
-Timothy goes to school
-Teletubbies
-Lamp Chop's Play Along
-Seven Little Monsters (is this one Canadian? I can't tell)
-Rolie Polie Olie
And then I got a little older and I remember watching others.
-Martin Mystery (FUN FACT: The girl who voices Diana also voices Barbie in most of the Barbie movies).
-Mystery Hunters (I got so scared of this so often that mom actually forbade me to watch it until I was 10)
-Totally Spies (this show was THE SHIT)
-6teen (I think I just watched it b/c one of my friends did)
-Life with Derek (this was Canadian, too!)
-The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
-Hannah Montana (Freckles made me watch it)
-Zoey 101
-Atomic Betty (not very often, though, I barely remember this one)
-I was a teenage robot (not often either)
Okay holy shit, I just had a thought. When mom forbade me to watch Mystery Hunters (THE EPISODE ABOUT THE GIANT BIRD MAN STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY) until I was 10... well, when I was 10, how i met your mother was just starting its first season, which confuses me. how i met your mother is a show I associate with being a teenager. Mystery Hunters is a show I associate very much with being a child.
Also can I say something about the theme songs? Because some of those kids shows had great theme songs. Franklin, Bear in the Big Blue House, Blues Clues, Berenstein Bears, Babar... there's lots of not-popular-music-music in there. Like actually all the music for Blues Clues is pretty much my favourite soundtrack for any TV show ever.
I think I need to watch some more of that show to put me to sleep. I'm all nostalgic now. And confused about Little Bear, because all I remember of that show is the one movie they made where they found another bear and had to help him get home?
And now I'm remembering books. I remember that one about the farmyard animal friends who went on a bike ride, and Click, Clack, Moo: Cows that Type and The Kissing Hand and all those Franklin/Berenstein bear books Freckles and I used to have read to us each night. We had a huge box of Franklin books and Berenstein Bear books all over the place. I remember going to chapters once when I was 13, and seeing "The Berenstein Bears go to Church" and feeling extremely disappointed. The Berenstein Bears always had adventures, but religion was never part of it. They were just living. Seeing that kind of made me feel like my childhood had ended.
SPEAKING OF BOOKS THE MAGIC TREE HOUSE SERIES WAS THE SHIT AND DON'T LET NOBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
And Junie B. Jones. JUNIE B. JONES. I am not kidding when I say those books probably influenced my writing more than you'd think. I still remember the first one I read. It was "Junie B. Jones is a Party Animal" and it was like my favourite book of all time. I think I ended up reading every single book in the series. So while everyone else was reading Harry Potter, that's what I was doing. Reading Junie B. Jones. So I guess that makes Barbara Park the author of my childhood. Actually I think those books probably influenced me as a person. I related to those books. I loved them. I gobbled them up. I read them all. I related immensely to Junie B. Jones. Shit, man. Those books mean something to me.
Okay. I seriously need to go to bed. Like, now. I feel all nostalgic and looking up at my calendar just reminds me I'm not a kid anymore and I'm supposed to like all these grown up shows and do grown up things like university and just UGH NOPE I WANT TO BE 7 AGAIN PLS. Although that means I'd have to go through middle school again. Let's just say I would rather never repeat middle school again. For anything. I am being perfectly serious when I say there is no amount of money you could pay me to go through middle school again.
GOODNIGHT
yer pal,
swegan :)
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