I seriously, seriously have no life.
This is what I realized the other day, sitting with friends in Dairy Queen, discussing various things. I hadn't seen any of them in a month, which was awful, but I did see them then. Omnia and I (and omnia, this is not meant to reflect on you in any way, since I still don't know what you do with the rest of your time, it was just this one bit of conversation that led to me realizing stuff about myself) started up about stuff on the internet, and I realized that's kind of all I've been up to. For a whole entire month.
Sure, I complain all I want about how boring it is to sit in with my parents night after night (especially without Freckles there, god it was awful) but I never actually do anything about it. I mean, not that there's much to do here, but I could still fucking try a little harder. I didn't have any life stories to recount, unless one counted my fainting spell that eventually led to the doctor telling me I probably have vertigo, or the time I went for a bike ride for two hours. I'm just a real shut in.
I'm starting to wonder if that's necessarily a bad thing. I mean, yes, I'm young, I should try to go out and do things, but at the end of the day I still always need an hour or so to myself, where I might talk to people, but always via text- like, actual texting, or skype, or whatever. My mom zones out in TV all the time to escape the stress of her job, I zone out in the internet.
I used to zone out in writing, but that's so much work. I mean, I still write, yes, but it's always introspective non fiction stuff like this, now. Maybe that's not the worst thing ever, but I don't know how to get back to fiction, and I'm starting to think maybe I won't. At least, not now. I don't know. I like writing this way. Maybe once I stop being a self-centered young adult (like we all are, trying to find ourselves and all that shit), my writing will shift again, but for the time being it helps me figure things out.
Anyway... I mean, I know I need to see my friends more than once a fucking month, and I need to stop with the leaving early because I don't want to wake my parents up, because I'm starting to think they don't care. And I know it sounds like a flimsy excuse and that I'm full of shit, but I do want to stay later. I always do (though the last night I tried to stay out was the day before Freckles left early in the morning, and like hell I was missing her send-off). Want that, I mean.
I'm just sort of worried this will make other people think less of me. Like, I'm not interesting. I'm a really boring person. I suppose I can be chatted with easily enough, I've got an arsenal of opinions, and I have some experiences (some of which I was lucky to be able to have), so it's not like I think I actively bore people, it's just... I keep searching for something by which to define myself, and coming up with nothing. Writer? Not really. Dancer? Not anymore. Volunteer? Rarely. Member of any sort of group? Not since I quit EPASS. So what do I do? Internet. And this. And I watch a lot of netflix. God, like, do you see what I mean? I don't do shit. That bothers me, about myself, and I don't know how to change it.
I suppose some people could just go out and try on labels like new clothes, seeing which ones fit and which ones don't. The problem with that is that I'm stupidly shy around new people, completely afraid of trying anything that requires doing anything I'm not 100% sure how to do by myself (and being responsible for it), and despite my loyal-to-a-fault nature, I have trouble sticking with things when I don't really genuinely like them. Plus, I never want to spend money. Like, on anything. I always feel like I'm wasting it unless it's a necessity or something for someone else (and even then...). I'm not just frugal, I'm a fucking cheapskate, and honestly, I'm not sure how to fix that one.
But it's just like... Is this really a problem? So what I don't go out all the time? I mean, I'd like to see friends more just because friends, and I know that school now wants you to be involved in stuff in addition to doing well in school (and I have a whole swack of other insecurities about the fact that I still feel like the bottom of the Smart Kids, if that makes any sense)... so maybe it is a problem? I don't know.
My least favourite feeling is when I have to tackle a problem and I have absolutely zero idea how to go about it. It's even worse when I don't understand what the problem is (hello, Chem 102 problem sets!). This time, I suppose I get it, and I do have a couple ideas that might be enough... but, like, I keep feeling like I should be "developing leadership qualities" or something. Does anybody else get that? I can't possibly be the only one. Not because I have some inner need to be a leader but because I just get the feeling that that's what people want to see, that's what people expect from me? For christ's sake, I got put in my school district's weird "leadership-seminar-help-us-improve-the-district" thing, and I still have no idea why. Like, oh, I don't volunteer enough to get asked to go to We Day, but you're going to send me to do this thing...? Okay..??? I probably have a certificate for that somewhere, actually. I should brag about it more. Do you see what I mean. Leadership skills. Why is this such a bother to me.
I suppose the one thing I do have going well for me that I should cling to is Lab Stuff. My... boss? supervisor? I dunno- anyway, she said to me at our end-of-work-for-the-summer (yes, I get to take August off, lucky me) meeting that they'd love to have me back next year (for a fifth summer? uhhhh... not that I hate the work, but I feel like I need to work somewhere else) because I do good work, and that my confidence really improved this summer, which was probably the result of my lab partner who did not know how to do anything (it was her first time) following me around and me having to teach her. Apparently I also have more than one person who can write me reference letters now, though, so... yay!
But... academically, I'm doing fine, I guess, and it seems I already have at least one offer of employment for next summer, which is a good thing and something I feel very lucky about (though I know that I shouldn't entirely feel lucky since it was my dedication and hard work that got me that, luck just got me the opportunity to try). It's just that I'm still a horribly boring person who contributes nothing to the world and has like -1 hobbies. What's so great about me if all I do is homework and real work? Like... god, this is the IB talking, isn't it, this desire to feel well rounded. Too bad the IB was what rid me of the ability to actually try (though without having it forced on me I probably would have just spent more time on the internet in high school so I'm more to blame).
This is- sidenote- also why it bugs me that people seem to think that young women are all like the young women in romantic comedies, only concerned about how lonely they are (despite the fact that they have lots of friends...) and how empty their lives are without that Special Someone (despite the fact that they all have jobs and hobbies and shit) and I love me a romantic comedy, don't get me wrong, and it's not like I don't have my fair share of romance at the moment, but like... I can think about starting a new relationship and I can have an identity crisis and still be excelling at school (kinda) and work (definitely) all at the same time! Because I am a person who is real and that means I can be and think about and manage more than one thing at a time.
Unfortunately I cannot blog and have a facetime conversation with the most ridiculously adorable and wonderful boy I've ever met at the same time, so... this seems like as good a place as any to end.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Showing posts with label random rambles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random rambles. Show all posts
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Monday, June 8, 2015
This blog is slowly degrading back into public journal entries
My mom, the other day, said to me that she doesn't think I've ever really been in love before. Her qualifications required that losing that person would tear my life apart, and I was stumped. I couldn't argue- not because I felt like she was right, but because I felt like she might be wrong and I didn't know why.
It's not like I haven't told people I love them before. I tell friends all the time, but that's not what my mom was talking about. I love my family, but again, I still don't think that's what she was getting at (despite the fact that losing either of my parents or siblings or any extended family to whom I am close would obviously tear my life apart). I told Ptarckas I loved him, and I meant it, because at the time it seemed like the only thing there was to say, and I felt like that meant it must be real.
Obviously, I'm still sorting out how I feel about Ptarckas. I broke up with him just a couple days ago, but to be honest, nothing feels super different. It feels like I can't talk to him as much, not that we were talking much anymore. It's just... weird. I'm OK, which I didn't expect, but this is weird. But more in the sense that I was just used to having him around, which I think is expected of any relationship. And now I don't really "have him around", and it's weird for me.
Fortunately, we both seem OK, but that raises the issue of whether or not our relationship was ever really serious to begin with. I haven't cried about this since it happened (although crying while our relationship kinda fell apart was standard). I remember one time standing in my apartment, and getting so upset at the thought of breaking up with him that I had to remind myself that I didn't have to do that. Now, I've done it, and I think the distance is acting as a buffer.
I don't know what it's going to be like once I get back to school. Seeing him has become such a part of my life, and I was dating him basically for the entirety of my university experience thus far. What's troubling me isn't that I don't know how to university without him, per se, but that I don't know what it's like to university without being that close to someone and having that kind of relationship. I'm more than certain it will be fine. I mean, yeah, it was really great while it lasted. Our relationship didn't end because it was toxic and twisted and bitter, or because either of us no longer cared about the other (nor did it end because I developed feelings for someone else, despite how it may look that way). Our relationship ended because he made it very clear that he didn't feel like this was going to last in the long-term, and that sucked all the serious out of it. It also made me realize that I didn't want to stay with someone if I knew it was going to end.
I'm not interested in casual dating, not interested in having flings with people that I fully expect to end at some point. I'm not the kind of person to keep myself from getting emotionally invested (I get emotionally invested in everything). And I guess that's the good that came out of this relationship, is that I understand more of what I want now. Maybe not much, but something. So maybe that means mom was right, and I've never been in love (on her terms, anyway). It sounds terrifying, but then, so do plenty of other things, like Being Financially Responsible and Acting Like an Adult, and I'm still game for those.
The other problem I'm having is that I still feel guilty about having feelings for someone else, even though it literally no longer matters. There's still a sense of I can't do anything about those yet, I have to deal with this first that was there the past few months, and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know what there is to get over here, just that there's something, and I owe it to myself- and to Ptarckas- to at least wait until I feel like I'm fully done. Furthermore, I don't want to try and go after someone else if there's a risk that I'm not done here, and that because of that I might fuck it up with that someone else. That's not fair to anyone.
It just feels stupid to be thinking about this, like how can you possibly like someone else?? you just broke up two days ago!! What's wrong with you? and the answer, of course, is nothing, nothing is wrong with me, forgive me for being human and liking people in a way that makes me want to date them, heaven forbid I do something like that. (I'd like to take a moment here to apologize to the guy on the receiving end of said feelings, since he reads this- I really don't want to weird you out, but this is my blog, and I'm not trying to weird you out).
So I guess I am a little troubled since I broke up with Ptarckas- just not the kind of troubled I expected to be. I was expected melancholy, weeping, that awful, awful feeling of heartbreak... but no. I just feel overwhelmed with guilt, and apparently stressed out enough by that that my back is fucking itself up again.
I'm just not really sure how to navigate feelings at the moment. I'm trying to enjoy the fact that at least some of this makes me happy (I mean, come on, learning someone you like reciprocates those feelings at least a little weensy bit is a pretty good feeling), and I'm trying to be reasonable with myself. Is it normal to feel guilty? Probably. Should that stop me from living my life forever? No, but at the moment, I am living my life, and I'm fine. I have the whole rest of the summer before I even have to run the risk of bumping into either boy involved in this situation, which makes everything easier. Hopefully by then, I'll feel a bit more OK about all of this.
Sometimes I'd like to think that people are right when they say I seem mature for my age, even though it still feels arrogant to think that.
yer pal,
swegan
It's not like I haven't told people I love them before. I tell friends all the time, but that's not what my mom was talking about. I love my family, but again, I still don't think that's what she was getting at (despite the fact that losing either of my parents or siblings or any extended family to whom I am close would obviously tear my life apart). I told Ptarckas I loved him, and I meant it, because at the time it seemed like the only thing there was to say, and I felt like that meant it must be real.
Obviously, I'm still sorting out how I feel about Ptarckas. I broke up with him just a couple days ago, but to be honest, nothing feels super different. It feels like I can't talk to him as much, not that we were talking much anymore. It's just... weird. I'm OK, which I didn't expect, but this is weird. But more in the sense that I was just used to having him around, which I think is expected of any relationship. And now I don't really "have him around", and it's weird for me.
Fortunately, we both seem OK, but that raises the issue of whether or not our relationship was ever really serious to begin with. I haven't cried about this since it happened (although crying while our relationship kinda fell apart was standard). I remember one time standing in my apartment, and getting so upset at the thought of breaking up with him that I had to remind myself that I didn't have to do that. Now, I've done it, and I think the distance is acting as a buffer.
I don't know what it's going to be like once I get back to school. Seeing him has become such a part of my life, and I was dating him basically for the entirety of my university experience thus far. What's troubling me isn't that I don't know how to university without him, per se, but that I don't know what it's like to university without being that close to someone and having that kind of relationship. I'm more than certain it will be fine. I mean, yeah, it was really great while it lasted. Our relationship didn't end because it was toxic and twisted and bitter, or because either of us no longer cared about the other (nor did it end because I developed feelings for someone else, despite how it may look that way). Our relationship ended because he made it very clear that he didn't feel like this was going to last in the long-term, and that sucked all the serious out of it. It also made me realize that I didn't want to stay with someone if I knew it was going to end.
I'm not interested in casual dating, not interested in having flings with people that I fully expect to end at some point. I'm not the kind of person to keep myself from getting emotionally invested (I get emotionally invested in everything). And I guess that's the good that came out of this relationship, is that I understand more of what I want now. Maybe not much, but something. So maybe that means mom was right, and I've never been in love (on her terms, anyway). It sounds terrifying, but then, so do plenty of other things, like Being Financially Responsible and Acting Like an Adult, and I'm still game for those.
The other problem I'm having is that I still feel guilty about having feelings for someone else, even though it literally no longer matters. There's still a sense of I can't do anything about those yet, I have to deal with this first that was there the past few months, and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know what there is to get over here, just that there's something, and I owe it to myself- and to Ptarckas- to at least wait until I feel like I'm fully done. Furthermore, I don't want to try and go after someone else if there's a risk that I'm not done here, and that because of that I might fuck it up with that someone else. That's not fair to anyone.
It just feels stupid to be thinking about this, like how can you possibly like someone else?? you just broke up two days ago!! What's wrong with you? and the answer, of course, is nothing, nothing is wrong with me, forgive me for being human and liking people in a way that makes me want to date them, heaven forbid I do something like that. (I'd like to take a moment here to apologize to the guy on the receiving end of said feelings, since he reads this- I really don't want to weird you out, but this is my blog, and I'm not trying to weird you out).
So I guess I am a little troubled since I broke up with Ptarckas- just not the kind of troubled I expected to be. I was expected melancholy, weeping, that awful, awful feeling of heartbreak... but no. I just feel overwhelmed with guilt, and apparently stressed out enough by that that my back is fucking itself up again.
I'm just not really sure how to navigate feelings at the moment. I'm trying to enjoy the fact that at least some of this makes me happy (I mean, come on, learning someone you like reciprocates those feelings at least a little weensy bit is a pretty good feeling), and I'm trying to be reasonable with myself. Is it normal to feel guilty? Probably. Should that stop me from living my life forever? No, but at the moment, I am living my life, and I'm fine. I have the whole rest of the summer before I even have to run the risk of bumping into either boy involved in this situation, which makes everything easier. Hopefully by then, I'll feel a bit more OK about all of this.
Sometimes I'd like to think that people are right when they say I seem mature for my age, even though it still feels arrogant to think that.
yer pal,
swegan
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Too many thoughts
I can't stop thinking and feeling bad for not doing things I should and forgetting things that are so little
Summer outlook is decidedly better than last summer, aside from the small relationship issues that have been happening (and are being dealt with, trust me), and this asshole boy i caught who knows exactly what the fuck he's doing, and i have actual friends in the lab and feel like I'm doing ok.
I always just want to write song lyrics as a blog post. I keep listening to the same few songs over and over and over and over and I know why, and I just keep hearing the words all the time.
I bought some crappy christmas romance novels at the used bookstore the other day. Also a book about europe between 1848 and 1878, which is turning out to be hella interesting. funny how in high school reading those books was such a chore and now I actively seek them out. Thinking I might seek out more and become a full blown history nerd.
I keep asking people for advice and they keep telling me different things and I feel like I want someone to tell me what to do and no one can and there isn't any right answer to the problems i am having and that bothers me. I want to know what the right answer is. I think I also want validation that people will still like me if I fuck up. I don't want to fuck up. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Currently I am just watching my words, ignoring things that don't need to be said, and giving myself time.
I voted today. I'm proud of that. the election turned out to be insane and completely flipped politics around here, so that should be interesting. My parents are scared and I am so excited but I am hiding it because I know they know more because they have just been around for longer but honestly, voting for the party that freezes tuition and pushes for an inquiry into the human rights crisis in this country is something that i feel is a good idea.
We brought Sadie with us to the polls when dad went to vote. Some idiots with their own dog decided to walk right past me with it, and when sadie got excited, she pulled me over. what the fuck is wrong with you? walk your dog somewhere else. Dogs get excited around other dogs and you can see perfectly well that I'm trying to handle a dog that is much larger than me. go fuck yourself, assholes.
Apparently, I've lost weight, and I'm not really sure how I ought to feel about that. Mostly I just feel like I'm ok. Like, this is ok, i found my range. This is also probably due to the two weeks in march when I completely stopped taking care of myself because my schedule was weird and I didn't see Ptarckas for a while and that was about as fun as it sounded. I don't think that's something to be proud of. I mean, not that I didn't take care of myself, because I'm pretty sure that happens to every person my age at least once, but that i am smaller than i was. No one even cares, at all, and that's really freeing. i'm fine. i'm not the picture of health (who the fuck is) but i'm fine.
And I know this post makes me sound like a big sad mess, but I am actually way more ok than I thought I would be once I got home. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm ok. Is life pure elation and butterflies? No. Is life sadness and rainclouds? No. Life just is, right now, and that's pretty good. Plus I seem to be a lot less angry when I drive, which is such a relief, you have no idea. Plus, the price of gas is finally under 100 cents/litre, so I filled up my tank for less than $50 today. amazing.
Everything is fine. Except the boy stuff, but that can be pushed aside until I have a better idea of what to do. Well, and some of it can get discussed with Ptarckas, which makes it 5,000 times better.
I just keep thinking. It's nice to get some of it out.
Summer outlook is decidedly better than last summer, aside from the small relationship issues that have been happening (and are being dealt with, trust me), and this asshole boy i caught who knows exactly what the fuck he's doing, and i have actual friends in the lab and feel like I'm doing ok.
I always just want to write song lyrics as a blog post. I keep listening to the same few songs over and over and over and over and I know why, and I just keep hearing the words all the time.
I bought some crappy christmas romance novels at the used bookstore the other day. Also a book about europe between 1848 and 1878, which is turning out to be hella interesting. funny how in high school reading those books was such a chore and now I actively seek them out. Thinking I might seek out more and become a full blown history nerd.
I keep asking people for advice and they keep telling me different things and I feel like I want someone to tell me what to do and no one can and there isn't any right answer to the problems i am having and that bothers me. I want to know what the right answer is. I think I also want validation that people will still like me if I fuck up. I don't want to fuck up. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Currently I am just watching my words, ignoring things that don't need to be said, and giving myself time.
I voted today. I'm proud of that. the election turned out to be insane and completely flipped politics around here, so that should be interesting. My parents are scared and I am so excited but I am hiding it because I know they know more because they have just been around for longer but honestly, voting for the party that freezes tuition and pushes for an inquiry into the human rights crisis in this country is something that i feel is a good idea.
We brought Sadie with us to the polls when dad went to vote. Some idiots with their own dog decided to walk right past me with it, and when sadie got excited, she pulled me over. what the fuck is wrong with you? walk your dog somewhere else. Dogs get excited around other dogs and you can see perfectly well that I'm trying to handle a dog that is much larger than me. go fuck yourself, assholes.
Apparently, I've lost weight, and I'm not really sure how I ought to feel about that. Mostly I just feel like I'm ok. Like, this is ok, i found my range. This is also probably due to the two weeks in march when I completely stopped taking care of myself because my schedule was weird and I didn't see Ptarckas for a while and that was about as fun as it sounded. I don't think that's something to be proud of. I mean, not that I didn't take care of myself, because I'm pretty sure that happens to every person my age at least once, but that i am smaller than i was. No one even cares, at all, and that's really freeing. i'm fine. i'm not the picture of health (who the fuck is) but i'm fine.
And I know this post makes me sound like a big sad mess, but I am actually way more ok than I thought I would be once I got home. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm ok. Is life pure elation and butterflies? No. Is life sadness and rainclouds? No. Life just is, right now, and that's pretty good. Plus I seem to be a lot less angry when I drive, which is such a relief, you have no idea. Plus, the price of gas is finally under 100 cents/litre, so I filled up my tank for less than $50 today. amazing.
Everything is fine. Except the boy stuff, but that can be pushed aside until I have a better idea of what to do. Well, and some of it can get discussed with Ptarckas, which makes it 5,000 times better.
I just keep thinking. It's nice to get some of it out.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Away
I pack a suitcase, all comfy clothes. I put it in my car. I leave in the night. I drive to the coast. There, I find a place to stay that looks out onto the ocean.
I spend my days eating popcorn, watching movies, and making food. Sometimes, I buy books and read them. I spend hours in the library and don't feel guilty about it, even though I never finish read anything. I walk along the shore and take thousands of pictures. I talk to nobody. I have the energy to write again.
I sleep for hours. I stay up until 5 AM and go for a walk before going to sleep. I sleep until 3 PM. I eat erratically.
Months later, when I finally feel together again, I come back home.
But for months, I am not responsible for anything or anyone, and answer only to myself.
I feel worn thin like an old rug.
I'm just tired.
Why can't it be August yet.
I spend my days eating popcorn, watching movies, and making food. Sometimes, I buy books and read them. I spend hours in the library and don't feel guilty about it, even though I never finish read anything. I walk along the shore and take thousands of pictures. I talk to nobody. I have the energy to write again.
I sleep for hours. I stay up until 5 AM and go for a walk before going to sleep. I sleep until 3 PM. I eat erratically.
Months later, when I finally feel together again, I come back home.
But for months, I am not responsible for anything or anyone, and answer only to myself.
I feel worn thin like an old rug.
I'm just tired.
Why can't it be August yet.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Sometimes I fantasize about running away from my whole life
This often happens in the summer. I dream of just packing a suitcase, taking my car, all my cash, and just driving away. I wonder what my life might be like if I left behind literally everthing- my family, my friends, my education, my home. Obviously it's still a thought too scary to contemplate, but sometimes I still think about it, and how I am bound here.
I'm bound by money- I wouldn't last very long on what funds I do have, and I obviously wouldn't have a job anymore. I'd be lonely- there are so many people I love here, and care deeply about. I am firmly attached to them, and seeing a friend go is always sad. And I'd miss the comforts of home- I've lived here all my life, and I know how everything works here. In fact, if I wanted to go far enough away that I'd really leave my life, I'd probably have to leave the country. The closest place to here is the US, and like hell I'd want to go there.
But I still entertain fantasies of it. I guess not really so much leaving my current life, but just... if my life had been different.
I think this is why riding my bike brings such joy. I'm allowed to leave my house, be outside, be away for a few hours, on my own. I'm an adult now, nobody can stop me, my parents can't technically say "you're not allowed" because I'm the only one who's allowed to say what I can and can't do now.
I think that's another bind I have- my parents. There isn't anyone stopping me from going out and driving around for 3 hours on a Friday night, but they would worry and call, and if I didn't come home on time, they'd stop supporting me in some small way. I still rely too much on their support, I'm not even close to independent. So even though I have technically moved out and I do whatever I want in the new city, I'm still cautious.
I've noticed that about myself, too- I feel so responsible and mature. I can't get drunk because I want to be in control of my actions at all times. That's why I like driving- I'm in control of where I go. And it's even evident in how I care for my sister, how I try and help around the house, and even stupid things like needing to definitively know where I'm going when going somewhere unfamiliar: familiarizing myself via google maps, because I remember what streets look like better than what they're named, knowing the exact address, having a GPS and a phone app that will help me if I get lost. Being the DD, constantly.
I think I figure I just understand why people like having a caretaking role. I like being a caretaker, to a certain extent. And since I'm not even in my 20s yet and people kind of expect me to be selfish and reckless and curious and explore everything (kind of like a puppy?)... I don't know. It makes sense to me to take care of others at a time when I have free reign to care only about myself.
I dunno, I'm in a weird mood tonight, like that mood where you romanticize everything. I think this is about as drunk as I get. And I'm fine with that.
I need a road trip and a carnival.
yer pal,
swegan
I'm bound by money- I wouldn't last very long on what funds I do have, and I obviously wouldn't have a job anymore. I'd be lonely- there are so many people I love here, and care deeply about. I am firmly attached to them, and seeing a friend go is always sad. And I'd miss the comforts of home- I've lived here all my life, and I know how everything works here. In fact, if I wanted to go far enough away that I'd really leave my life, I'd probably have to leave the country. The closest place to here is the US, and like hell I'd want to go there.
But I still entertain fantasies of it. I guess not really so much leaving my current life, but just... if my life had been different.
I think this is why riding my bike brings such joy. I'm allowed to leave my house, be outside, be away for a few hours, on my own. I'm an adult now, nobody can stop me, my parents can't technically say "you're not allowed" because I'm the only one who's allowed to say what I can and can't do now.
I think that's another bind I have- my parents. There isn't anyone stopping me from going out and driving around for 3 hours on a Friday night, but they would worry and call, and if I didn't come home on time, they'd stop supporting me in some small way. I still rely too much on their support, I'm not even close to independent. So even though I have technically moved out and I do whatever I want in the new city, I'm still cautious.
I've noticed that about myself, too- I feel so responsible and mature. I can't get drunk because I want to be in control of my actions at all times. That's why I like driving- I'm in control of where I go. And it's even evident in how I care for my sister, how I try and help around the house, and even stupid things like needing to definitively know where I'm going when going somewhere unfamiliar: familiarizing myself via google maps, because I remember what streets look like better than what they're named, knowing the exact address, having a GPS and a phone app that will help me if I get lost. Being the DD, constantly.
I think I figure I just understand why people like having a caretaking role. I like being a caretaker, to a certain extent. And since I'm not even in my 20s yet and people kind of expect me to be selfish and reckless and curious and explore everything (kind of like a puppy?)... I don't know. It makes sense to me to take care of others at a time when I have free reign to care only about myself.
I dunno, I'm in a weird mood tonight, like that mood where you romanticize everything. I think this is about as drunk as I get. And I'm fine with that.
I need a road trip and a carnival.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, June 8, 2014
The issue of bathrooms
*tw for assault, I suppose- still learning how tw work. I think I keep forgetting about them... although I'm not sure how much it matters given that I know all the people who read this blog and to my knowledge none of them consider assault discussions to be a trigger* *but hey you still never know so here is the warning anyway*
I read an article in a the newspaper the other day about trans people needing non-gender specific bathrooms. This brought up a couple of thoughts
1) YAY THIS IS RECEIVING MAINSTREAM MEDIA ATTENTION
2) But it raises other issues.
Do I support the idea of creating bathrooms that aren't gender specific? Of course I do. The violence that trans people face, which I have not experienced but which I have heard about over and over and over and over and over is not acceptable. I see no problem in providing a bathroom that is non gender specific, that is just "a bathroom," and furthermore, I fully support taking the gender signs off of single-user bathrooms. It's ridiculous. You have two single-user bathrooms, with one toilet, but one has a female sign, and the other a male one. Why? There is no point to this. The bathrooms are exactly the same. This is ridiculous.
But note that I still support having separate bathrooms the way they are, just with the additional one added. I don't like the idea that I might go into a bathroom- a room in which you really can't install security cameras- and a man could follow me in there, that he could lock the door, assault me, and leave. I still want a bathroom space where I can go in and only see other women.
I know a lot of people might say "THAT'S RIDICULOUS AND STEREOTYPING OF ALL MEN" but you know what, I really don't like being alone in small, confined spaces with only one exit and no security cameras with a random man who I don't know who is probably physically larger and stronger than me. That doesn't sit well with me.
The one possible solution the article did offer was the idea of the washrooms being sort of... visible to the outside world. The stalls are private and closed off- obviously- but the rest of the bathroom can be seen by everyone outside the bathroom. I really like that idea (although you would need to provide the baby-changing station in private, I'd think... or maybe not, I don't know)- the only time you're alone is in the stall, and even if you are the only person in the bathroom, other people can see in. That, I think, would end violence in bathrooms period, because everyone around would be able to see if something fishy was going on, and my understanding of people who have the intent of harming other people is that they try to corner people when they're alone. If you're in a public place, other people will see and go "HEY THAT IS WRONG STOP I AM CALLING THE POLICE" and intervene. The only kind of crime I can think of in a large crowd is pickpocketing. Well, and terrorism, but that's a different topic.
Anyway, these bathrooms solve that issue of making that public space visible and not closed off. I think there is a bit of a privacy issue, but really, if you're just washing your hands and checking your hair and your clothes or whatever, does it matter if strangers see you? Other people already see you do those things if you're in the bathroom with them.
Anyway, those are just some thoughts. I think one can quickly point out that the idea of 3 bathrooms would probably be a costly solution to the problem, which is why I favour the second idea.
yer pal,
swegan
I read an article in a the newspaper the other day about trans people needing non-gender specific bathrooms. This brought up a couple of thoughts
1) YAY THIS IS RECEIVING MAINSTREAM MEDIA ATTENTION
2) But it raises other issues.
Do I support the idea of creating bathrooms that aren't gender specific? Of course I do. The violence that trans people face, which I have not experienced but which I have heard about over and over and over and over and over is not acceptable. I see no problem in providing a bathroom that is non gender specific, that is just "a bathroom," and furthermore, I fully support taking the gender signs off of single-user bathrooms. It's ridiculous. You have two single-user bathrooms, with one toilet, but one has a female sign, and the other a male one. Why? There is no point to this. The bathrooms are exactly the same. This is ridiculous.
But note that I still support having separate bathrooms the way they are, just with the additional one added. I don't like the idea that I might go into a bathroom- a room in which you really can't install security cameras- and a man could follow me in there, that he could lock the door, assault me, and leave. I still want a bathroom space where I can go in and only see other women.
I know a lot of people might say "THAT'S RIDICULOUS AND STEREOTYPING OF ALL MEN" but you know what, I really don't like being alone in small, confined spaces with only one exit and no security cameras with a random man who I don't know who is probably physically larger and stronger than me. That doesn't sit well with me.
The one possible solution the article did offer was the idea of the washrooms being sort of... visible to the outside world. The stalls are private and closed off- obviously- but the rest of the bathroom can be seen by everyone outside the bathroom. I really like that idea (although you would need to provide the baby-changing station in private, I'd think... or maybe not, I don't know)- the only time you're alone is in the stall, and even if you are the only person in the bathroom, other people can see in. That, I think, would end violence in bathrooms period, because everyone around would be able to see if something fishy was going on, and my understanding of people who have the intent of harming other people is that they try to corner people when they're alone. If you're in a public place, other people will see and go "HEY THAT IS WRONG STOP I AM CALLING THE POLICE" and intervene. The only kind of crime I can think of in a large crowd is pickpocketing. Well, and terrorism, but that's a different topic.
Anyway, these bathrooms solve that issue of making that public space visible and not closed off. I think there is a bit of a privacy issue, but really, if you're just washing your hands and checking your hair and your clothes or whatever, does it matter if strangers see you? Other people already see you do those things if you're in the bathroom with them.
Anyway, those are just some thoughts. I think one can quickly point out that the idea of 3 bathrooms would probably be a costly solution to the problem, which is why I favour the second idea.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Ups and Downs
That's what my life has been lately. I'm not sure why, but I keep coming up on these emotional highs, where I'm happy and everything's okay, and these mostly happen when I've finished my homework, or when I'm with Ptarckas. And then there's these horrible lows, which always seem to happen in the morning. I wake up and I'm sad, and I feel very alone and very stressed. Most of the time I just say "You know what, you have to get up and go", and then I feel much more productive when I get to school and get stuff done. Even now the sadness is wearing off. I guess writing about stuff really does help.
It just gets kind of exhausting when waking up every morning becomes such a challenge. It's really hard to make myself get out of bed, not just because I'm tired, but because I just feel really sad. I think it might even be the fact that I switched a class- I don't like big stressful changes like that.
Friday was kind of like this, but I got really sad at the end of the day, and once I got back to my apartment I cried for like 20 minutes, and then spent most of the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to make myself feel better. It did work- I was laughing and dancing by the end of the night, and I even got some work done, too.
Maybe it will help to look at the positive things. I mean, school's okay- I felt really stressed and all "I'm gonna fail everything!" at the beginning of last semester and I did just fine. And shoot, if this continues, I know that I have permission to take care of myself. There's an office at school where apparently you can just go and talk to people about your problems- they say no problem is too big or too small. I could maybe try that if this doesn't start alleviating itself. So it's not like I don't have help available. And there's always my parents, and they care about me and want me to be okay, and so do my sister and brother and my friends. I have a good support system in place. And I'm smart, and I'm a hard worker when I need to be- I can totally do this semester, I can pass all my classes. And sure maybe I won't be perfect at everything. Nobody ever is. I don't know why my relationship makes me so sad- it's a really good and healthy relationship, and it's actually really fun. We dealt with a problem earlier this week, which made the first couple days of the semester super stressful, but I'm glad we're communicative enough that we could work through it. And I mean, even if I do think about him too much, at least it's not just a crush where I never get to do anything. We do stuff together all the time. It's a good relationship, and I am happy about that. That's a very good thing. And I'm making more friends here- there's a guy in my English class who remembered me from orientation, and a girl who sits next to me in chem, and people in the building I eat with pretty much every day. Plus I haven't had that much homework yet. And okay, I do feel bad about how little I've been doing for AlbertaSat, but I can get back in the game. It's a really good opportunity and not one that I'm gonna lose- at least not without a fight. Oh, and my dad and I have talked about one of my parents coming up to visit me (since I've talked with him a bit about having a bad time), and also he's sending up some Christmas goodies, which is exciting. I miss those Christmas goodies. Speaking of food, I also have really good food provided for me. It's not just that it tastes good, but that it's good for me, too. Lots of vegetables and fruit and protein, and at regular times.
Most of what I have to do today is reading, anyway. So that's not so bad. I will have to have a shower at some point and go out to the AlbertaSat meeting, but that's okay. And okay, maybe I didn't take the "journal editor" position in English this week. That's okay. Now I can observe how other people do it, and then I can maybe do it next weekend and just get it done. I really don't appreciate how my prof taunted us, though, saying "you don't have that much work yet. So I would do it now" THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT, AS IF I DON'T IRRATIONALLY WORRY ABOUT THIS ENOUGH ALREADY. Thus far this prof has been a source of nothing but stress in my life. Dad pointed out that if I dropped English I'd really regret having to take it again, so I should just try and tough it out. Which I will try to do. I'm not giving up anything without a fight.
I guess I feel a little bit better now. Anyway, it's only 5 weeks now until I get to go out to the cabin again and do mostly nothing for a whole beautiful week, not to mention seeing my family again. There's a lot to look forward to and life isn't so bad. I just have to keep plugging away.
I hope everyone else is having a better start to their year than I am, that's for sure!
yer pal,
swegan :)
It just gets kind of exhausting when waking up every morning becomes such a challenge. It's really hard to make myself get out of bed, not just because I'm tired, but because I just feel really sad. I think it might even be the fact that I switched a class- I don't like big stressful changes like that.
Friday was kind of like this, but I got really sad at the end of the day, and once I got back to my apartment I cried for like 20 minutes, and then spent most of the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to make myself feel better. It did work- I was laughing and dancing by the end of the night, and I even got some work done, too.
Maybe it will help to look at the positive things. I mean, school's okay- I felt really stressed and all "I'm gonna fail everything!" at the beginning of last semester and I did just fine. And shoot, if this continues, I know that I have permission to take care of myself. There's an office at school where apparently you can just go and talk to people about your problems- they say no problem is too big or too small. I could maybe try that if this doesn't start alleviating itself. So it's not like I don't have help available. And there's always my parents, and they care about me and want me to be okay, and so do my sister and brother and my friends. I have a good support system in place. And I'm smart, and I'm a hard worker when I need to be- I can totally do this semester, I can pass all my classes. And sure maybe I won't be perfect at everything. Nobody ever is. I don't know why my relationship makes me so sad- it's a really good and healthy relationship, and it's actually really fun. We dealt with a problem earlier this week, which made the first couple days of the semester super stressful, but I'm glad we're communicative enough that we could work through it. And I mean, even if I do think about him too much, at least it's not just a crush where I never get to do anything. We do stuff together all the time. It's a good relationship, and I am happy about that. That's a very good thing. And I'm making more friends here- there's a guy in my English class who remembered me from orientation, and a girl who sits next to me in chem, and people in the building I eat with pretty much every day. Plus I haven't had that much homework yet. And okay, I do feel bad about how little I've been doing for AlbertaSat, but I can get back in the game. It's a really good opportunity and not one that I'm gonna lose- at least not without a fight. Oh, and my dad and I have talked about one of my parents coming up to visit me (since I've talked with him a bit about having a bad time), and also he's sending up some Christmas goodies, which is exciting. I miss those Christmas goodies. Speaking of food, I also have really good food provided for me. It's not just that it tastes good, but that it's good for me, too. Lots of vegetables and fruit and protein, and at regular times.
Most of what I have to do today is reading, anyway. So that's not so bad. I will have to have a shower at some point and go out to the AlbertaSat meeting, but that's okay. And okay, maybe I didn't take the "journal editor" position in English this week. That's okay. Now I can observe how other people do it, and then I can maybe do it next weekend and just get it done. I really don't appreciate how my prof taunted us, though, saying "you don't have that much work yet. So I would do it now" THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT, AS IF I DON'T IRRATIONALLY WORRY ABOUT THIS ENOUGH ALREADY. Thus far this prof has been a source of nothing but stress in my life. Dad pointed out that if I dropped English I'd really regret having to take it again, so I should just try and tough it out. Which I will try to do. I'm not giving up anything without a fight.
I guess I feel a little bit better now. Anyway, it's only 5 weeks now until I get to go out to the cabin again and do mostly nothing for a whole beautiful week, not to mention seeing my family again. There's a lot to look forward to and life isn't so bad. I just have to keep plugging away.
I hope everyone else is having a better start to their year than I am, that's for sure!
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, December 7, 2013
DON'T TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE BAD AT THINGS IF YOU'RE NOT BAD AT THEM
FUCKING HELL YOU GUYS I JUST GOT A 65% ON MY CHEM LAB FINAL WHICH MEANS I GOT A 78.7% IN THE LAB PORTION OF THE COURSE AND YOU DON'T SEE ME TELLING MYSELF I'M BAD AT CHEMISTRY LIKE FUCK OKAY CHEMISTRY IS REALLY FUCKING HARD AND EXPECTING MYSELF TO BE PERFECT ISN'T GOING TO GET ME ANYWHERE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES!!!!
*exaggerated breathing from yelling so much*
But UGH seriously like I started reading that book again, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap again and I know I read it before and posted about it but I can't find that post and I think when I read that book I stopped telling myself I was bad at math, because that's what all the girls in the book did, and that's when I started saying no you know what I am actually good at math. I'm not some crazy math genius, and that's okay, I don't have to be, but I am not bad at math. I'm not. I'm good at math. And I think, as crazy as it is, saying that to myself has helped me do better in math, has helped me keep up in math, because I actually started believing that I was capable of solving problems.
And I think that helps, too, to believe you're good at stuff. I think I've mentioned before that it is a surprisingly good method to maintain your self esteem to be fake-full-of-yourself, like everything I'm walking in my big parka and I overheat, I think "Wow, I'm so hot" and then my brain a second later is like "Damn straight you are" and I just smile and like god, you guys, it's the best. It's the best when I can dance in front of my mirror in my hot pink short shorts and think wow, look at your legs girl, they fine. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL SILLY. Feeling silly is better than feeling sad, I've found.
And anyway, it's not just about thinking that you're beautiful, but thinking about all the stuff you can do, too. Like I'm good at math, like I said, and I'm good at writing, too, and I'm good at research. There's definitely room for improvement, but there's always room for improvement.
Speaking of things that need room for improvement... I really need to study. I haven't actually started yet (today) and I really need to get on that. I'm going to type out all my philosophy notes and start rereading stuff. But I know I can pass philosophy. I'm good at philosophy. Obviously, again, there's room for improvement, and yeah so what I got a 70 on my essay, I tried and I had a lot of other stuff going on, too.
And my mom just texted me "Dude, you won"t believe it, ut we are at church again...dont text me back." followed by a party emoticon and I am now very confused like did my family convert to the religion du jour of the town I come from while I've been gone?
yer pal,
swegan :)
*exaggerated breathing from yelling so much*
But UGH seriously like I started reading that book again, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap again and I know I read it before and posted about it but I can't find that post and I think when I read that book I stopped telling myself I was bad at math, because that's what all the girls in the book did, and that's when I started saying no you know what I am actually good at math. I'm not some crazy math genius, and that's okay, I don't have to be, but I am not bad at math. I'm not. I'm good at math. And I think, as crazy as it is, saying that to myself has helped me do better in math, has helped me keep up in math, because I actually started believing that I was capable of solving problems.
And I think that helps, too, to believe you're good at stuff. I think I've mentioned before that it is a surprisingly good method to maintain your self esteem to be fake-full-of-yourself, like everything I'm walking in my big parka and I overheat, I think "Wow, I'm so hot" and then my brain a second later is like "Damn straight you are" and I just smile and like god, you guys, it's the best. It's the best when I can dance in front of my mirror in my hot pink short shorts and think wow, look at your legs girl, they fine. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL SILLY. Feeling silly is better than feeling sad, I've found.
And anyway, it's not just about thinking that you're beautiful, but thinking about all the stuff you can do, too. Like I'm good at math, like I said, and I'm good at writing, too, and I'm good at research. There's definitely room for improvement, but there's always room for improvement.
Speaking of things that need room for improvement... I really need to study. I haven't actually started yet (today) and I really need to get on that. I'm going to type out all my philosophy notes and start rereading stuff. But I know I can pass philosophy. I'm good at philosophy. Obviously, again, there's room for improvement, and yeah so what I got a 70 on my essay, I tried and I had a lot of other stuff going on, too.
And my mom just texted me "Dude, you won"t believe it, ut we are at church again...dont text me back." followed by a party emoticon and I am now very confused like did my family convert to the religion du jour of the town I come from while I've been gone?
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, December 1, 2013
"You are not owed a world in which only beautiful people enter your view"
I got a little distracted on Sparknotes trying to review for English, and stumbled across this article: http://community.sparknotes.com/2013/10/14/auntie-sparknotes-is-it-common-courtesy-to-cover-my-eczema. It's very, very true, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is silly and conceited. People don't always look perfect and they certainly don't owe it to anyone to cover up their imperfections. People have acne and rashes and scars, and that's that. I know I've been guilty of thinking things like this, too, and it is truly not a good thing to do (and I have been trying to replace it by thinking three nice things about that person every time I think something bad about them (re: appearances), which really helps because it forces me to see the beauty in other people, rather than what's not perfect about them) (and to recognize that they are people too).
It resonated with me because of a conversation I had last year with a couple of friends in the cafeteria. They told me this little story of how "some fat girl was just in here wearing this tank top that was way too tight, and it just didn't look good on her, y'know, like you have to dress for your body", etc etc. At the time I think I agreed with them, which was heinous and wrong and don't agree with people when they say that, please. Because I went home and realized that, wait a minute, there's something wrong here.
When people say "Dress for your body shape" usually it means "dress in the most flattering way" which I'm guessing roughly translates to "dress in the way that makes you look skinniest" and there is just something so fucked up about that I can't even.
This little incident, I thought, related to this article/advice thing/whatever as well. You don't have to dress a certain way to please people that think that if you're not dressing to look your skinniest you're doing it wrong. There's nothing wrong with dressing that way, but there's nothing wrong with not dressing that way, either. You don't owe it to anyone to dress a certain way. And if anyone tries to tell you that someone else looks "disgusting" squeezing out of their tank top, you can tell them that actually it's none of their fucking business and that you hope they have a nice day.
Dress is complicated because there's still some occasions where that's not okay, i.e., business things, formal functions, etc. But in everyday life, who cares? I just hope that everyone dresses warmly enough for the weather, because that is a matter of health and wellness and not just appearance and so I am a stickler for it. I mean if you think you can handle wearing a miniskirt at this time of year this far North, I applaud you, but I am still going to question your judgement.
This isn't to say that you have to like how people dress, either. You're not obligated to do that. But don't judge them based on their appearance- hell, if I had just said "no" to Grag when he asked me out because he wears sweatpants LITERALLY ALL THE TIME, where would I be now? The important thing to remember is that there are people in those clothes who might actually become really good friends, or even more than good friends (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN') if you just ignore the fact that you think their wardrobe is horrible and get to know them. (On the other hand, they might also be people you will not get along with. Dress is not an indicator of compatibility). I am a firm believer in the idea that personality is what counts, and if things do work out, then you won't really care about what they look like because you'll know that within is this awesome person that you get to know and hang out with. It's fantastic.
yer pal,
swegan :)
It resonated with me because of a conversation I had last year with a couple of friends in the cafeteria. They told me this little story of how "some fat girl was just in here wearing this tank top that was way too tight, and it just didn't look good on her, y'know, like you have to dress for your body", etc etc. At the time I think I agreed with them, which was heinous and wrong and don't agree with people when they say that, please. Because I went home and realized that, wait a minute, there's something wrong here.
When people say "Dress for your body shape" usually it means "dress in the most flattering way" which I'm guessing roughly translates to "dress in the way that makes you look skinniest" and there is just something so fucked up about that I can't even.
This little incident, I thought, related to this article/advice thing/whatever as well. You don't have to dress a certain way to please people that think that if you're not dressing to look your skinniest you're doing it wrong. There's nothing wrong with dressing that way, but there's nothing wrong with not dressing that way, either. You don't owe it to anyone to dress a certain way. And if anyone tries to tell you that someone else looks "disgusting" squeezing out of their tank top, you can tell them that actually it's none of their fucking business and that you hope they have a nice day.
Dress is complicated because there's still some occasions where that's not okay, i.e., business things, formal functions, etc. But in everyday life, who cares? I just hope that everyone dresses warmly enough for the weather, because that is a matter of health and wellness and not just appearance and so I am a stickler for it. I mean if you think you can handle wearing a miniskirt at this time of year this far North, I applaud you, but I am still going to question your judgement.
This isn't to say that you have to like how people dress, either. You're not obligated to do that. But don't judge them based on their appearance- hell, if I had just said "no" to Grag when he asked me out because he wears sweatpants LITERALLY ALL THE TIME, where would I be now? The important thing to remember is that there are people in those clothes who might actually become really good friends, or even more than good friends (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN') if you just ignore the fact that you think their wardrobe is horrible and get to know them. (On the other hand, they might also be people you will not get along with. Dress is not an indicator of compatibility). I am a firm believer in the idea that personality is what counts, and if things do work out, then you won't really care about what they look like because you'll know that within is this awesome person that you get to know and hang out with. It's fantastic.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
But before I homework, a little analysis
This has been brought up by talking with Vince today about my eternal frustration with cute guys, or more specifically, the cute guy in the apartment below. (I would take away his nickname, but shit, an orchid is a pretty flower and he is a pretty boy, so it fits) (maybe that's how I came up the nickname maybe it isn't THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW). She pointed out that it kind of sounds like I only really like Orchid because he is cute (shit guys he is adorable it is frustrating), and she kind of has a point. I mean, he seems like a decent person, unlike butthead from 7th grade (yes, butthead). Freckles said "he seems mean" but I don't think he is. He's just shy, I guess.
So I've decided that... well, I guess I can appreciate his adorableness, because he's hella cute, but I will do so in a way that is like the way I appreciate other cute guys I see on campus, and holy shit they are everywhere. But the point is, I don't know any of them, so I can't really claim to like them.
Then I told her about the guy who's in my bio 108 class who talks to me sometimes when we're both downstairs for a meal at the same time, and how it's much easier to talk to him and how he actually, y'know, acknowledges my presence. I mean, yes, he's nice, and easy to talk to, but I'm not attracted to him. Same thing with Grag. I really appreciate it when guys put some effort into their appearance- I mean like obviously everyone has hoodie days, and some people are more comfortable living in hoodies, and that's fine and dandy, but it's not what I'm attracted to. I don't think people should dress in a way that I deem appropriate, but when guys do put effort into their appearance it is nice. I mean, I put effort into my appearance, excepting hoodie days, so I don't think it's unfair to expect people to do that in order for me to be attracted to them.
And that's the problem again. Grag is super nice, and he's easy to talk to, and he makes philosophy a lot less boring, but I'm not attracted to him.
And then I reflected on my past. I have had many, many hopeless crushes in the past, but I think I really boil any romantic history I have down to two: 7th grade, and my relationship with Nerd.
In 7th grade, I remember exactly how I made the decision to like asshole mcbuttface, and it was not a good or rational decision making process at all. And the fact that I have to tell people about things made it worse, because he and his asshole mcbuttface friends decided that it would be fun to pick on me and try and make me miserable because I was this short little girl who looked like she was 8, got some of the best grades in the class, and had dared to have a crush on someone she thought was cute. That crush sustained through a lot of stuff it should not have sustained through and was just a giant horribly bad idea.
9th grade was very different. Nerd and I became friends first, and over time as groups of friends changed, we began to hang out more and more, and I grew to like him because he was nice to me, because I had fun when I was around him, and honestly, because there were some signs there that he liked me as well. That turned out... well, not-so-great, but it was a learning experience. I mean, I don't know if it was for him, but it was for me because I decided even though things didn't go so well I at least ought to get something out of it. As time went by I began to see more and more of what I had done wrong or could have done better, and now I know and can do better the next time I have a romantic relationship, and I also know what I expect out of someone for next time as well. He did things wrong, too, and I'm not going to say who did more wrong because really that doesn't accomplish much and also I'm probably a bit biased. Initially I blamed 99% of everything on him, and some of that didn't change... actually most of it didn't. I just came to realize I had done some of the things I blamed him for, too. Thankfully we were both mature enough about it to put it behind us and move on.
So based on these two incidences, I would say that liking Orchid is a very, very bad idea. Maybe if I get to know him better in the future. Until then, I will have to wait and see how my other new relationships turn out. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I honestly don't think he's a shitty person, but I don't know that.
Either way, he's fun to talk to when he's drunk, so there's that. Actually a lot of drunk people are fun to talk to, as long as they don't overstep their boundaries.
In the meantime, I have homework to do and I get to go home on Friday. I GET TO SEE MY PUPPY! AND MY FAMILY! AND I GET TO JUST BE IN THE HOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS AND SLEEP IN MY OWN BED AND WEAR PAJAMAS FOREVER! AND HOPEFULLY SEE ARTIFEX! Exciting stuff.
yer pal,
swegan :)
So I've decided that... well, I guess I can appreciate his adorableness, because he's hella cute, but I will do so in a way that is like the way I appreciate other cute guys I see on campus, and holy shit they are everywhere. But the point is, I don't know any of them, so I can't really claim to like them.
Then I told her about the guy who's in my bio 108 class who talks to me sometimes when we're both downstairs for a meal at the same time, and how it's much easier to talk to him and how he actually, y'know, acknowledges my presence. I mean, yes, he's nice, and easy to talk to, but I'm not attracted to him. Same thing with Grag. I really appreciate it when guys put some effort into their appearance- I mean like obviously everyone has hoodie days, and some people are more comfortable living in hoodies, and that's fine and dandy, but it's not what I'm attracted to. I don't think people should dress in a way that I deem appropriate, but when guys do put effort into their appearance it is nice. I mean, I put effort into my appearance, excepting hoodie days, so I don't think it's unfair to expect people to do that in order for me to be attracted to them.
And that's the problem again. Grag is super nice, and he's easy to talk to, and he makes philosophy a lot less boring, but I'm not attracted to him.
And then I reflected on my past. I have had many, many hopeless crushes in the past, but I think I really boil any romantic history I have down to two: 7th grade, and my relationship with Nerd.
In 7th grade, I remember exactly how I made the decision to like asshole mcbuttface, and it was not a good or rational decision making process at all. And the fact that I have to tell people about things made it worse, because he and his asshole mcbuttface friends decided that it would be fun to pick on me and try and make me miserable because I was this short little girl who looked like she was 8, got some of the best grades in the class, and had dared to have a crush on someone she thought was cute. That crush sustained through a lot of stuff it should not have sustained through and was just a giant horribly bad idea.
9th grade was very different. Nerd and I became friends first, and over time as groups of friends changed, we began to hang out more and more, and I grew to like him because he was nice to me, because I had fun when I was around him, and honestly, because there were some signs there that he liked me as well. That turned out... well, not-so-great, but it was a learning experience. I mean, I don't know if it was for him, but it was for me because I decided even though things didn't go so well I at least ought to get something out of it. As time went by I began to see more and more of what I had done wrong or could have done better, and now I know and can do better the next time I have a romantic relationship, and I also know what I expect out of someone for next time as well. He did things wrong, too, and I'm not going to say who did more wrong because really that doesn't accomplish much and also I'm probably a bit biased. Initially I blamed 99% of everything on him, and some of that didn't change... actually most of it didn't. I just came to realize I had done some of the things I blamed him for, too. Thankfully we were both mature enough about it to put it behind us and move on.
So based on these two incidences, I would say that liking Orchid is a very, very bad idea. Maybe if I get to know him better in the future. Until then, I will have to wait and see how my other new relationships turn out. Who knows, maybe we will become friends. I honestly don't think he's a shitty person, but I don't know that.
Either way, he's fun to talk to when he's drunk, so there's that. Actually a lot of drunk people are fun to talk to, as long as they don't overstep their boundaries.
In the meantime, I have homework to do and I get to go home on Friday. I GET TO SEE MY PUPPY! AND MY FAMILY! AND I GET TO JUST BE IN THE HOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS AND SLEEP IN MY OWN BED AND WEAR PAJAMAS FOREVER! AND HOPEFULLY SEE ARTIFEX! Exciting stuff.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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