Yes, it is true, I have actually died. Well, obviously not, but I've been saying that a lot lately for very boy-related reasons, but that's not what this is about.
I realized today, as I finished reading a book I've already read like 3 times before, that I was happy. And I looked at myself in the mirror and just said that- "I'm so happy." But it's not an ecstatic kind of happy. It's more a sort of... content.
I'm used to my job now. Work is slow and easy this week, none of those days where we run around doing thing after endless thing, staying until 4 PM (which is good since both my lab partner and I seem a little ill at the moment). I've reached some kind of... something with my lab partner- she seems to accept that there are certain times of the day that might just coincide with someone else's break times at their job during which I am very preoccupied by my phone. She tells me things now and then and I enjoy hearing them. I've stopped telling her what to do all the time- she knows what she's doing. Not as much as I do, because I've been there forever, but she does. The brilliant part about this is that she knows all the theory behind the techniques we're using, while I know how to do the actual work required. We make a good team.
I've seen friends several times in the last few weeks, and that makes me feel very normal. All through my childhood my mom was always telling me to just call people, invite friends over, throw a birthday party, and I was always too nervous to do it. I don't know why high school was what got me over my phone anxiety, but it was. I'd still rather text to arrange things, but I can call people now, and hang out with them, and since I can drive and I'm an adult and have a job and pay for my own gas and all that, I feel more like I'm allowed to. It's my car, I'm driving it, if I want to go to a movie with friends and then hang out at one of their houses afterwards, I don't have to call and ask my parents for permission. It's very freeing. But the best part is that I get to see my friends. Actually really see them, because I am forcing myself to make the effort this summer. And it's great.
And the weirdest thing was that I started running. Not very regularly, mind you- the combination of getting my period with weirdly awful pre-cramps and cramp-cramps AND getting sick this week kinda meant that I was out for this week- but still. Running. What the hell? I hate running. Well, I did. And I'm not letting myself feel guilty about the irregularity of these workouts, either. All that fitness inspiration crap all over the internet keeps saying that you have to stick with it and there's no excuses and never miss a workout and it's like GOD, GET OUT OF MY FACE, jesus FUCKING christ. I'll work out if I feel like it because I like doing it and if I don't want to then I won't. I have an exuse this week: I'm fucking sick. And that's OK, because I can just start running again next week. Besides, I've rapidly learned that nobody fucking cares if my stomach is a little soft or if I have cellulite on my thighs, so the only person who really cared in the first place was me. So why care? I'm fine. I'm fine. I mean, I am sick (it's ok that I can't run, my nose is doing it for me! *drum kit*) but I'm fine.
I don't even know what this post is, it's such a big rambly mess. But I feel very at peace with my life right now. I don't really have any problems- I got my relationshit sorted out earlier. The chips fell where they did, and I like where they fell, and I'm really really happy about it. And Ptarckas seems ok too, and that means a lot to me, because he really deserves that. I see my friends regularly. I work out sometimes. I've started making myself food (I don't really know what happened to my family's way of existing while I was away, but it apparently involves a lot more cheap crap fast food pizza-and-hot-dogs than it used to), because I get the sense that my parents are tired from work because their jobs are way harder than mine.
But I have to end this post now. As good as it felt to write it, I have a call I need to make, and I want to be able to get it in before getting a good night's rest (before I inevitably wake up at like 6 anyway because of this fucking skylight in my room... okay, so maybe I have ONE problem, but that's a small problem to have).
yer pal,
swegan :)
Showing posts with label wistful sigh.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label wistful sigh.... Show all posts
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Things made a weird amount of sense this morning
I have since chilled, which is what tends to happen when you spend two hours learning about radiation safety (which is now done, woo!). Yesterday was probably one of the more emotionally intense days of my life, but the result of the conversation I had was that I have one more reason to be absurdly excited to start next semester.
I can't stop listening to music, either. Every. Single. Song. Makes. More. Sense. I don't even know what's happening to me. I'm staying up until 1:30 AM on the phone even though it makes me sleep deprived and I'm making plans to do a million cute things which I never thought I'd get to do with someone I liked this much and I keep catching myself idly smiling when my mind wanders. I'm so far gone, it's not even funny.
I no longer care if I should wait some required amount of time before jumping into another relationship. If people are going to judge me for that, they obviously don't know what the situation is. I don't plan on changing anything until the end of the summer, just because I feel like that's a good idea and something I want to do. But in the meantime, my phone is full of cute messages I read and reread when I'm bored and tumblr has stopped updating.
The other weird thing is that I feel like I have all this energy all the time. The fact that I started running this summer was weird enough (I have hated running until now), but now I find myself wanting to do it because I have all this pent-up energy and I just GAH I have to get it out and singing along to the radio in my car is no longer enough.
I feel completely crazy. I'm scared out of my mind because of that. This entire situation makes me beyond insanely happy, and that's weird, and I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. And yet there's still things I keep to myself because I feel like they are too much, too soon, and I can't ruin this.
I also have nothing more interesting to blog about because, as of late, I have become a COMPLETE and total pathetic loser with no life, but then again, he has too, and we're self aware of it, and the fact that I can say we is making me weirdly happy right now, so that should be an indication of how much this is messing with my head. It's just a pronoun, swegan, calm the fuck down.
yer pal,
swegan
I can't stop listening to music, either. Every. Single. Song. Makes. More. Sense. I don't even know what's happening to me. I'm staying up until 1:30 AM on the phone even though it makes me sleep deprived and I'm making plans to do a million cute things which I never thought I'd get to do with someone I liked this much and I keep catching myself idly smiling when my mind wanders. I'm so far gone, it's not even funny.
I no longer care if I should wait some required amount of time before jumping into another relationship. If people are going to judge me for that, they obviously don't know what the situation is. I don't plan on changing anything until the end of the summer, just because I feel like that's a good idea and something I want to do. But in the meantime, my phone is full of cute messages I read and reread when I'm bored and tumblr has stopped updating.
The other weird thing is that I feel like I have all this energy all the time. The fact that I started running this summer was weird enough (I have hated running until now), but now I find myself wanting to do it because I have all this pent-up energy and I just GAH I have to get it out and singing along to the radio in my car is no longer enough.
I feel completely crazy. I'm scared out of my mind because of that. This entire situation makes me beyond insanely happy, and that's weird, and I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. And yet there's still things I keep to myself because I feel like they are too much, too soon, and I can't ruin this.
I also have nothing more interesting to blog about because, as of late, I have become a COMPLETE and total pathetic loser with no life, but then again, he has too, and we're self aware of it, and the fact that I can say we is making me weirdly happy right now, so that should be an indication of how much this is messing with my head. It's just a pronoun, swegan, calm the fuck down.
yer pal,
swegan
Monday, October 20, 2014
ok but like what even is love
I'm for serious on this one
Like, everyone describes it as something so overwhelming and amazing and "I love you more every day." This makes me worried because I definitely do not feel overwhelmed by my relationship with Ptarckas, and the way I feel about him is definitely not overwhelming or exciting or a huge rush. I just like hanging out with him and talking to him and doing stuff together, no matter what it is.
I suppose there was one point in the relationship near the beginning when everything was very exciting and new and I maybe did feel like that. I still feel like I love him, but I don't really know what that means. I don't want to see him hurt, I want him to be happy, and I enjoy being around him. Is that really all that love is?
I just feel so lied to. Pop culture paints love as very different from this, and I kind of feel like literature does as well. But it seems like it would be absolutely exhausting to feel that way about someone all the time, not to mention distracting. I have school to focus on- I can't be distracted by being starry-eyed all the time.
For now, I have decided that if we both like this arrangement we have and we both feel like we love each other, we really shouldn't care what other people think. If that's how this is going to work, then that's how it's going to work.
The only thing I have for sure right now is that we discussed this earlier, and the tone of the conversation made me very afraid we were heading for disaster. That was distracting. I was sick with worry, even though it really turned out to be nothing- but the relief I felt was still overwhelming. I don't know if this is just me being stubborn or if I'm just used to this- I don't know. I just knew that if we were to stop seeing each other, I would be really sad and lonely, and I didn't like the idea that he would be too. So it seems like continuing the relationship is the logical idea...
Ugh. I don't know how to do this. But I guess that's what being young is for?
yer pal,
swegan :S
Like, everyone describes it as something so overwhelming and amazing and "I love you more every day." This makes me worried because I definitely do not feel overwhelmed by my relationship with Ptarckas, and the way I feel about him is definitely not overwhelming or exciting or a huge rush. I just like hanging out with him and talking to him and doing stuff together, no matter what it is.
I suppose there was one point in the relationship near the beginning when everything was very exciting and new and I maybe did feel like that. I still feel like I love him, but I don't really know what that means. I don't want to see him hurt, I want him to be happy, and I enjoy being around him. Is that really all that love is?
I just feel so lied to. Pop culture paints love as very different from this, and I kind of feel like literature does as well. But it seems like it would be absolutely exhausting to feel that way about someone all the time, not to mention distracting. I have school to focus on- I can't be distracted by being starry-eyed all the time.
For now, I have decided that if we both like this arrangement we have and we both feel like we love each other, we really shouldn't care what other people think. If that's how this is going to work, then that's how it's going to work.
The only thing I have for sure right now is that we discussed this earlier, and the tone of the conversation made me very afraid we were heading for disaster. That was distracting. I was sick with worry, even though it really turned out to be nothing- but the relief I felt was still overwhelming. I don't know if this is just me being stubborn or if I'm just used to this- I don't know. I just knew that if we were to stop seeing each other, I would be really sad and lonely, and I didn't like the idea that he would be too. So it seems like continuing the relationship is the logical idea...
Ugh. I don't know how to do this. But I guess that's what being young is for?
yer pal,
swegan :S
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The thing about relationships
( I am talking in the romantic sense here, since I have been having some thoughts lately).
Recently it's become very interesting to me how different my first relationship was from my second (and current) relationship. The first time around I felt guilty for wanting attention- physical affection, mostly, things like hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. I also felt mad that I was the one who had to initiate conversation and communication outside of school. Probably a lot of these problems were from the fact that we were young and didn't know how to be in a relationship, but still. I also felt like expressing my desire to spend time with him and to be alone with him would sound "dumb" and "girly" and so I never said anything. Once he even got angry at me because I was trying to talk to him and he was trying to play video games. That really bothered me, enough that I started crying and felt horribly guilty. I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.
This time around, I am kind of still in that state. I feel more comfortable discussing what I like/need in terms of physical affection and closeness, and I've found someone who enjoys a similar level of those things (we are very snuggly people, and spending time in each other's physical presence is important to us) but more importantly, I feel valued this time around.
It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who I feel like actually WANTS to be in a relationship with me, too. Someone who doesn't communicate because they have to but because they actively want to, someone who spends a lot of time with me, someone who admits to being close to me. Someone who doesn't ever make me feel like the things I want or need are stupid or unimportant. I feel so happy now, in this relationship, that I am able to get what I want and give in return, that we are able to find a balance and make each other happy.
There are still times when I worry about bothering him, but this time around it's nice that when I bug him when he's playing video games, I don't get "the sound of you sending messages just gets a little annoying and distracting in the middle of a game", I get "sorry, I was busy, and I like reading what you write when I finish playing something." Obviously the first response was understandable, and not totally unreasonable, but I do actually like the second one better. I still try not to bug people a lot when it seems like they're busy, but it's nice not to get "you were being annoying" and more "no, I was just away, that's why I wasn't responding."
I just... I feel like I know better now. Obviously I don't know everything because I'm young and inexperienced, but I know more. I know how important communication is. I know how important physical affection and intimacy are to me. And I got to learn that from a really positive relationship experience, and I am still learning from it.
The best part is that when we have gotten mad in the past or fucked up, we've talked through it honestly, been willing to admit our own faults but also been able to recognize where we were not wrong, and been committed enough to continue the relationship to make it work again. It's really nice to feel cared about and loved. I still doubt it because of how my last relationship went, and sometimes I think just because it almost feels too good to be true.
Gah, I feel young and stupid and happy. Thank god for this exercise kick I just got started on. I feel like it's finally giving my brain enough dopamine and endorphins to see the happy without it feeling stupid. But that's a post for another time.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Recently it's become very interesting to me how different my first relationship was from my second (and current) relationship. The first time around I felt guilty for wanting attention- physical affection, mostly, things like hand holding, kissing, hugging, etc. I also felt mad that I was the one who had to initiate conversation and communication outside of school. Probably a lot of these problems were from the fact that we were young and didn't know how to be in a relationship, but still. I also felt like expressing my desire to spend time with him and to be alone with him would sound "dumb" and "girly" and so I never said anything. Once he even got angry at me because I was trying to talk to him and he was trying to play video games. That really bothered me, enough that I started crying and felt horribly guilty. I didn't want to make anyone unhappy.
This time around, I am kind of still in that state. I feel more comfortable discussing what I like/need in terms of physical affection and closeness, and I've found someone who enjoys a similar level of those things (we are very snuggly people, and spending time in each other's physical presence is important to us) but more importantly, I feel valued this time around.
It's really nice to be in a relationship with someone who I feel like actually WANTS to be in a relationship with me, too. Someone who doesn't communicate because they have to but because they actively want to, someone who spends a lot of time with me, someone who admits to being close to me. Someone who doesn't ever make me feel like the things I want or need are stupid or unimportant. I feel so happy now, in this relationship, that I am able to get what I want and give in return, that we are able to find a balance and make each other happy.
There are still times when I worry about bothering him, but this time around it's nice that when I bug him when he's playing video games, I don't get "the sound of you sending messages just gets a little annoying and distracting in the middle of a game", I get "sorry, I was busy, and I like reading what you write when I finish playing something." Obviously the first response was understandable, and not totally unreasonable, but I do actually like the second one better. I still try not to bug people a lot when it seems like they're busy, but it's nice not to get "you were being annoying" and more "no, I was just away, that's why I wasn't responding."
I just... I feel like I know better now. Obviously I don't know everything because I'm young and inexperienced, but I know more. I know how important communication is. I know how important physical affection and intimacy are to me. And I got to learn that from a really positive relationship experience, and I am still learning from it.
The best part is that when we have gotten mad in the past or fucked up, we've talked through it honestly, been willing to admit our own faults but also been able to recognize where we were not wrong, and been committed enough to continue the relationship to make it work again. It's really nice to feel cared about and loved. I still doubt it because of how my last relationship went, and sometimes I think just because it almost feels too good to be true.
Gah, I feel young and stupid and happy. Thank god for this exercise kick I just got started on. I feel like it's finally giving my brain enough dopamine and endorphins to see the happy without it feeling stupid. But that's a post for another time.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Sometimes I fantasize about running away from my whole life
This often happens in the summer. I dream of just packing a suitcase, taking my car, all my cash, and just driving away. I wonder what my life might be like if I left behind literally everthing- my family, my friends, my education, my home. Obviously it's still a thought too scary to contemplate, but sometimes I still think about it, and how I am bound here.
I'm bound by money- I wouldn't last very long on what funds I do have, and I obviously wouldn't have a job anymore. I'd be lonely- there are so many people I love here, and care deeply about. I am firmly attached to them, and seeing a friend go is always sad. And I'd miss the comforts of home- I've lived here all my life, and I know how everything works here. In fact, if I wanted to go far enough away that I'd really leave my life, I'd probably have to leave the country. The closest place to here is the US, and like hell I'd want to go there.
But I still entertain fantasies of it. I guess not really so much leaving my current life, but just... if my life had been different.
I think this is why riding my bike brings such joy. I'm allowed to leave my house, be outside, be away for a few hours, on my own. I'm an adult now, nobody can stop me, my parents can't technically say "you're not allowed" because I'm the only one who's allowed to say what I can and can't do now.
I think that's another bind I have- my parents. There isn't anyone stopping me from going out and driving around for 3 hours on a Friday night, but they would worry and call, and if I didn't come home on time, they'd stop supporting me in some small way. I still rely too much on their support, I'm not even close to independent. So even though I have technically moved out and I do whatever I want in the new city, I'm still cautious.
I've noticed that about myself, too- I feel so responsible and mature. I can't get drunk because I want to be in control of my actions at all times. That's why I like driving- I'm in control of where I go. And it's even evident in how I care for my sister, how I try and help around the house, and even stupid things like needing to definitively know where I'm going when going somewhere unfamiliar: familiarizing myself via google maps, because I remember what streets look like better than what they're named, knowing the exact address, having a GPS and a phone app that will help me if I get lost. Being the DD, constantly.
I think I figure I just understand why people like having a caretaking role. I like being a caretaker, to a certain extent. And since I'm not even in my 20s yet and people kind of expect me to be selfish and reckless and curious and explore everything (kind of like a puppy?)... I don't know. It makes sense to me to take care of others at a time when I have free reign to care only about myself.
I dunno, I'm in a weird mood tonight, like that mood where you romanticize everything. I think this is about as drunk as I get. And I'm fine with that.
I need a road trip and a carnival.
yer pal,
swegan
I'm bound by money- I wouldn't last very long on what funds I do have, and I obviously wouldn't have a job anymore. I'd be lonely- there are so many people I love here, and care deeply about. I am firmly attached to them, and seeing a friend go is always sad. And I'd miss the comforts of home- I've lived here all my life, and I know how everything works here. In fact, if I wanted to go far enough away that I'd really leave my life, I'd probably have to leave the country. The closest place to here is the US, and like hell I'd want to go there.
But I still entertain fantasies of it. I guess not really so much leaving my current life, but just... if my life had been different.
I think this is why riding my bike brings such joy. I'm allowed to leave my house, be outside, be away for a few hours, on my own. I'm an adult now, nobody can stop me, my parents can't technically say "you're not allowed" because I'm the only one who's allowed to say what I can and can't do now.
I think that's another bind I have- my parents. There isn't anyone stopping me from going out and driving around for 3 hours on a Friday night, but they would worry and call, and if I didn't come home on time, they'd stop supporting me in some small way. I still rely too much on their support, I'm not even close to independent. So even though I have technically moved out and I do whatever I want in the new city, I'm still cautious.
I've noticed that about myself, too- I feel so responsible and mature. I can't get drunk because I want to be in control of my actions at all times. That's why I like driving- I'm in control of where I go. And it's even evident in how I care for my sister, how I try and help around the house, and even stupid things like needing to definitively know where I'm going when going somewhere unfamiliar: familiarizing myself via google maps, because I remember what streets look like better than what they're named, knowing the exact address, having a GPS and a phone app that will help me if I get lost. Being the DD, constantly.
I think I figure I just understand why people like having a caretaking role. I like being a caretaker, to a certain extent. And since I'm not even in my 20s yet and people kind of expect me to be selfish and reckless and curious and explore everything (kind of like a puppy?)... I don't know. It makes sense to me to take care of others at a time when I have free reign to care only about myself.
I dunno, I'm in a weird mood tonight, like that mood where you romanticize everything. I think this is about as drunk as I get. And I'm fine with that.
I need a road trip and a carnival.
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Relationship things
Seriously I don't know how this is going so well. It's bizarre. It's been five months now (cue the condescension of adults everywhere who don't think that's a big deal) and things are still going very, very well. We text a lot. We skype a lot. I realize it's only a week into summer and that we're bound to fall off the wagon at some point or another with somehow managing to communicate daily, but things are working really, really well, and it's very bizarre to me.
The way I see relationships is that there's a good period, when you're happy and the relationship is new and everything is exciting and perfect and your mood about it all is a wistful, happy sigh. I only expected that to last a few months. That's where the hard stuff is supposed to start, I think, where you are supposed to come across obstacles.
Or maybe it's a statistical thing? The longer you're with someone, the more likely it is that you'll run into some difficulty that will have an impact on the relationship. It's even true with friendships, although I find those somewhat easier to maintain (not that I'm any good at it, anyway). Perhaps this is an indication that I simply picked someone who I really work well with, someone who I'll be with for a long haul (and by that I mean a relationship lasting a few years), but I don't want to think about that too much.
I keep trying to predict how long the relationship will last, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because my parents are putting so much weight on the fact that now I'm in university, where I will most likely meet someone I will settle down with. It's not that I don't like the idea of settling down, but I think they're getting too ahead of themselves. I'm still only 18. I'm even getting ahead of myself. There's no rush at all. Mom said closer to the beginning that she was worried that I was missing out on other options by being in a committed relationship so soon. Which again, ties into the being young thing- I am still very young. There is no need to be worried.
I need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy the relationship. We have a very good thing going, with lots of open communication, trust, respect, etc (SRSLY GUISE COMMUNICATION IS SO GREAT PLS BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE BUT ALSO BE GENTLE AND STUFF). I have my head way too high in the clouds with my parents (particularly my mother) being all crazy. I wish they could just be happy for me, that I'm happy and that I'm in a relationship with a good person, a smart person, a kind person. I suppose, though, that I can't let their wishes for me dictate how I think about things. I need to let it go and just focus on how I feel about things, since it is my life, after all.
I guess I am not that good at being a grownup yet. Not that I've had a lot of experience, anyway. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. In the meantime, I will focus on going to school, being a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, and sister, and enjoying my life while it is more than full of joy.
yer pal,
swegan :)
The way I see relationships is that there's a good period, when you're happy and the relationship is new and everything is exciting and perfect and your mood about it all is a wistful, happy sigh. I only expected that to last a few months. That's where the hard stuff is supposed to start, I think, where you are supposed to come across obstacles.
Or maybe it's a statistical thing? The longer you're with someone, the more likely it is that you'll run into some difficulty that will have an impact on the relationship. It's even true with friendships, although I find those somewhat easier to maintain (not that I'm any good at it, anyway). Perhaps this is an indication that I simply picked someone who I really work well with, someone who I'll be with for a long haul (and by that I mean a relationship lasting a few years), but I don't want to think about that too much.
I keep trying to predict how long the relationship will last, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because my parents are putting so much weight on the fact that now I'm in university, where I will most likely meet someone I will settle down with. It's not that I don't like the idea of settling down, but I think they're getting too ahead of themselves. I'm still only 18. I'm even getting ahead of myself. There's no rush at all. Mom said closer to the beginning that she was worried that I was missing out on other options by being in a committed relationship so soon. Which again, ties into the being young thing- I am still very young. There is no need to be worried.
I need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy the relationship. We have a very good thing going, with lots of open communication, trust, respect, etc (SRSLY GUISE COMMUNICATION IS SO GREAT PLS BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE BUT ALSO BE GENTLE AND STUFF). I have my head way too high in the clouds with my parents (particularly my mother) being all crazy. I wish they could just be happy for me, that I'm happy and that I'm in a relationship with a good person, a smart person, a kind person. I suppose, though, that I can't let their wishes for me dictate how I think about things. I need to let it go and just focus on how I feel about things, since it is my life, after all.
I guess I am not that good at being a grownup yet. Not that I've had a lot of experience, anyway. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. In the meantime, I will focus on going to school, being a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, and sister, and enjoying my life while it is more than full of joy.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Last night I had a dream
My family went to Australia, I think. It was odd because there weren't any bugs or anything, but I remember standing on a balcony in a big red sweater and feeling the sun and the wind on my face as I looked at the ocean.
I miss the sun. I know that there's good in every season, and that winter certainly has its virtues, but the problem with winter is it always lasts too long. It's possible to have too much of a good thing, and up North, that's especially true.
But I look out my window today and I see the snow melting. Given, we are having a bit of a warm spell this week, but it's still nice to see. More and more lately I walk outside and smell spring, which is odd because spring won't come until I've moved back home.
I just miss summer. I miss the sun. I miss wearing shorts and coming inside after a day spent outside and feeling how my whole body seems to have kept some sunlight for itself; I feel warm, and for once I radiate heat. I miss how my hair feels when it dries after going swimming outside, how it's all dry and crispy and smells like lakewater. I miss the smell of sunscreen and bugspray, I miss my sister and I nervously wiping our bikes clean of cobwebs after being stored in the shed all year. I miss s'mores, I miss the cooking we do outside. I miss the sound of flip-flops on pavement. I miss the summer clothes I can wear when the temperature outside isn't enough to kill me without a jacket. I miss wearing sundresses and feeling hella cute. I miss the food, too. I miss the fruit, the fancy costco quinoa salads, the cheese and crackers, the lemonade we make frozen from concentrate. I miss ice cream, god, do I ever miss ice cream on a hot day. I miss having to wear sunglasses. I miss driving with the windows down when I pick up my sister from school. I even miss the rainy days, the days when the sky is gray and it's perfect for staying outside... or going outside because it's still not that cold. I miss the sometimes-thunderstorms. I don't miss the big ones, the ones that go on for weeks and destroy homes and cities and lives. But I do miss the thunder that accompanied them, so strong it would shake the house. I miss watching thunderstorms. I miss going the mall without having to bring a big heavy winter coat along with me. I miss driving with my friends and singing along to loud music. I miss driving by myself and listening to loud music. I miss singing along, very badly, but joyously, by myself.
Most of all what I miss, though, is the sun. I love lying in the sun... albeit, my strong fear of wasps does sometimes get in the way. I miss being in the backyard and sitting there until I felt too hot and had to go inside to the overly air-conditioned recesses of the house. I miss biking to the lake and sitting in the grass where there was just enough sun to warm me without getting overly hot. I miss how warm my steering wheel and seat would get when I forgot to park in the shade. I miss warming up after getting in the lake, because the lake is always too cold, but at the same time, I remember how refreshing it is to be in the cold lake when the sun is particularly bad.
I just really miss summer today. Of course, currently that's problematic as well, since I have to maintain a long distance relationship this summer (presuming Ptarckas and I don't break up before summer starts, which honestly does not seem likely).
I think I also miss the lack of homework, which, let's be honest, is probably what every university student feels like. But, in the meantime, I should get back to writing my papers. Er, rather, writing one, and stressing until I come up with an idea for the other one.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I miss the sun. I know that there's good in every season, and that winter certainly has its virtues, but the problem with winter is it always lasts too long. It's possible to have too much of a good thing, and up North, that's especially true.
But I look out my window today and I see the snow melting. Given, we are having a bit of a warm spell this week, but it's still nice to see. More and more lately I walk outside and smell spring, which is odd because spring won't come until I've moved back home.
I just miss summer. I miss the sun. I miss wearing shorts and coming inside after a day spent outside and feeling how my whole body seems to have kept some sunlight for itself; I feel warm, and for once I radiate heat. I miss how my hair feels when it dries after going swimming outside, how it's all dry and crispy and smells like lakewater. I miss the smell of sunscreen and bugspray, I miss my sister and I nervously wiping our bikes clean of cobwebs after being stored in the shed all year. I miss s'mores, I miss the cooking we do outside. I miss the sound of flip-flops on pavement. I miss the summer clothes I can wear when the temperature outside isn't enough to kill me without a jacket. I miss wearing sundresses and feeling hella cute. I miss the food, too. I miss the fruit, the fancy costco quinoa salads, the cheese and crackers, the lemonade we make frozen from concentrate. I miss ice cream, god, do I ever miss ice cream on a hot day. I miss having to wear sunglasses. I miss driving with the windows down when I pick up my sister from school. I even miss the rainy days, the days when the sky is gray and it's perfect for staying outside... or going outside because it's still not that cold. I miss the sometimes-thunderstorms. I don't miss the big ones, the ones that go on for weeks and destroy homes and cities and lives. But I do miss the thunder that accompanied them, so strong it would shake the house. I miss watching thunderstorms. I miss going the mall without having to bring a big heavy winter coat along with me. I miss driving with my friends and singing along to loud music. I miss driving by myself and listening to loud music. I miss singing along, very badly, but joyously, by myself.
Most of all what I miss, though, is the sun. I love lying in the sun... albeit, my strong fear of wasps does sometimes get in the way. I miss being in the backyard and sitting there until I felt too hot and had to go inside to the overly air-conditioned recesses of the house. I miss biking to the lake and sitting in the grass where there was just enough sun to warm me without getting overly hot. I miss how warm my steering wheel and seat would get when I forgot to park in the shade. I miss warming up after getting in the lake, because the lake is always too cold, but at the same time, I remember how refreshing it is to be in the cold lake when the sun is particularly bad.
I just really miss summer today. Of course, currently that's problematic as well, since I have to maintain a long distance relationship this summer (presuming Ptarckas and I don't break up before summer starts, which honestly does not seem likely).
I think I also miss the lack of homework, which, let's be honest, is probably what every university student feels like. But, in the meantime, I should get back to writing my papers. Er, rather, writing one, and stressing until I come up with an idea for the other one.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Finally settled
I feel very at peace today. It took a couple of weeks to settle in, I guess. It still does suck thinking about the fact that no matter how much I get done there'll still be more to do for a long time this semester, but I know all I have to do is break everything down into manageable bite-size pieces so I only end up having to do 4 or 5 things a day. There's no point in trying to complete everything last minute.
I do worry that I'm spending too much time with ptarckas (I realize I talk about him a lot, and no, I'm not sorry). Right now it looks like we'll see each other three times a week on average, or maybe just 1 if I've got lots of homework during the week. I don't know if it's fair to say that I've been trying to keep in touch with everyone else. I suppose I could try harder, but then probably we all could and we're all just busy with schoolwork and stuff.
Besides, I would like to think I am becoming kind-of friends with the woman who sits next to me in math, and I sometimes talk to the girl who sits next to me in chem, and carina and I (and two of her other friends who seem to be just kind of accepting me into their group, at least to a certain extent) have biology and our lab together, so I see her a lot more, so that's good, and I know a guy in my English class from orientation, so we talk before class a lot. And women's and gender studies is just a fun class. I really like my prof and I really like the stuff we discuss in that class. Plus, I feel like on some level I already have a grasp on a lot of it, PLUS today our prof got people who volunteer in the community with organizations that focus on helping women to talk about what they did so that maybe the rest of us could do some volunteering. I'm definitely interested, but some of these opportunities require a lot of intense training, and I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to take on more right now, especially now that the EPASS fundraising campaign is about to launch (I mean, we haven't met since school started due to illness and scheduling conflicts, but we have to start at SOME point).
Even though I've gotten like 2 things done tonight (today being one of the days that ptarckas and I hang out), I feel very... peaceful, and at ease. It's been a long week, I guess, and tomorrow IS friday, and I just really like spending time with ptarckas. He seems to be the one person I can't get sick of (and I can state this with a reasonable level of certainty because we have ended up accidentally spending very long periods of time together) (like maybe upwards of 36 hours) (it was an accident okay). I just sort of want him around all the time, which of course is horribly impractical, and we both agree on this. Sigh. I guess I'll just have to wait until finals week rolls around again and we realize "hey, no classes" and spend an unreasonably long amount of time together again, like last finals week.
I actually miss finals week. There was an end in sight, something to look forward to. Right now the closest thing I have to look forward to is Valentine's Day, followed by the reading week break. Sigh.
Back to the grindstone! It's not really that bad, anyway, and tomorrow's friday, woohoo!
yer pal,
swegan :)
I do worry that I'm spending too much time with ptarckas (I realize I talk about him a lot, and no, I'm not sorry). Right now it looks like we'll see each other three times a week on average, or maybe just 1 if I've got lots of homework during the week. I don't know if it's fair to say that I've been trying to keep in touch with everyone else. I suppose I could try harder, but then probably we all could and we're all just busy with schoolwork and stuff.
Besides, I would like to think I am becoming kind-of friends with the woman who sits next to me in math, and I sometimes talk to the girl who sits next to me in chem, and carina and I (and two of her other friends who seem to be just kind of accepting me into their group, at least to a certain extent) have biology and our lab together, so I see her a lot more, so that's good, and I know a guy in my English class from orientation, so we talk before class a lot. And women's and gender studies is just a fun class. I really like my prof and I really like the stuff we discuss in that class. Plus, I feel like on some level I already have a grasp on a lot of it, PLUS today our prof got people who volunteer in the community with organizations that focus on helping women to talk about what they did so that maybe the rest of us could do some volunteering. I'm definitely interested, but some of these opportunities require a lot of intense training, and I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to take on more right now, especially now that the EPASS fundraising campaign is about to launch (I mean, we haven't met since school started due to illness and scheduling conflicts, but we have to start at SOME point).
Even though I've gotten like 2 things done tonight (today being one of the days that ptarckas and I hang out), I feel very... peaceful, and at ease. It's been a long week, I guess, and tomorrow IS friday, and I just really like spending time with ptarckas. He seems to be the one person I can't get sick of (and I can state this with a reasonable level of certainty because we have ended up accidentally spending very long periods of time together) (like maybe upwards of 36 hours) (it was an accident okay). I just sort of want him around all the time, which of course is horribly impractical, and we both agree on this. Sigh. I guess I'll just have to wait until finals week rolls around again and we realize "hey, no classes" and spend an unreasonably long amount of time together again, like last finals week.
I actually miss finals week. There was an end in sight, something to look forward to. Right now the closest thing I have to look forward to is Valentine's Day, followed by the reading week break. Sigh.
Back to the grindstone! It's not really that bad, anyway, and tomorrow's friday, woohoo!
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Something happened in Ireland that's been bugging me lately
We went out to this medieval-themed dinner at a real castle- and they really went all out. The room we ate in was packed tight, the with lots of people squeezed onto benches. We were given only a knife and napkin, and we ate with our hands, tearing meat off the bone. There was live entertainment, and someone even got thrown in jail for a little bit. One guy got embarrassingly drunk off of mead. I sat diagonally across from a woman from the US who did nothing but complain about the meal, but she was like, laughing the whole time. "Oh, I don't like this. Next course, hahahahah" and I was like bitch you are a grown woman, act like it, but that's not what's bugging me.
The dessert they brought out they said was I think traditional Irish something or other, and it was some sort of dessert with berries. I don't remember what the dessert was, I think a pudding of some sort, but I remember them calling the berries "Lover's kisses" and then telling us their actual name. Apparently when you eat them, your lover is supposed to feed them to you or something like that. I can still remember how that dessert tasted. It was delicious and wonderful and I can't remember what the berries were called and all I get when I google search it are results like "mistletoe" and "Rachel Berry" (I'm not kidding).
The thing is, when I was in Ireland, I was still making a big fuss out of the fact that I had never really had a real kiss, nothing more than a peck. And so eating that dessert, I thought, it must be as enjoyable as this dessert right here to have a real kiss.
I can tell you now that that's true, that it is that enjoyable, and I understand why they call the berries that (of course the complain-y woman across from me didn't like the dessert either; I was dumbfounded at how anyone couldn't like it. The berries were sweet, but not overly sweet, and they didn't taste like any other berry I've ever had), but it really bothers me that I can't remember what they're called and that google is absolutely no help.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else knows. Also, I just wanted to share that story with you all. I've been thinking a great deal about love lately- not that I'm in it (and that's what I'm thinking about)- and also I'm a bit lonely right now. It's the new year, and nobody at the lake even set off fireworks. My family was watching a movie and I checked my watch at 11:55 and then again at 12:02. It has been a thoroughly uneventful ringing-in-of-2014, and literally no one is online. Vince was for a second, but she must have just signed off as I sent her Happy New Year wishes. Ptarckas I haven't talked to in a couple of days, which is fine, I just miss him is all. I'm aware that I can get a little overbearing, and we have been having skype conversations every single night.
I just really want to talk to someone, but we don't have cell service out here and no one is online except Nerd, who I'm sure is playing video games. I guess I could give it a try. Maybe.
It's just that everyone here is in bed, and probably everyone else is out celebrating, or in bed, and I just feel all alone. There's nothing much left for me to do except go to sleep, and I don't want to do that because I'm sad. I guess I could talk to Nerd or write... but you know what I mean. It's New Year's. I should be celebrating, and I'm sitting alone in the middle of the woods instead.
Eh. I'll figure something out.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year and best wishes to all in 2014! It's going to be a good year, I can feel it.
The dessert they brought out they said was I think traditional Irish something or other, and it was some sort of dessert with berries. I don't remember what the dessert was, I think a pudding of some sort, but I remember them calling the berries "Lover's kisses" and then telling us their actual name. Apparently when you eat them, your lover is supposed to feed them to you or something like that. I can still remember how that dessert tasted. It was delicious and wonderful and I can't remember what the berries were called and all I get when I google search it are results like "mistletoe" and "Rachel Berry" (I'm not kidding).
The thing is, when I was in Ireland, I was still making a big fuss out of the fact that I had never really had a real kiss, nothing more than a peck. And so eating that dessert, I thought, it must be as enjoyable as this dessert right here to have a real kiss.
I can tell you now that that's true, that it is that enjoyable, and I understand why they call the berries that (of course the complain-y woman across from me didn't like the dessert either; I was dumbfounded at how anyone couldn't like it. The berries were sweet, but not overly sweet, and they didn't taste like any other berry I've ever had), but it really bothers me that I can't remember what they're called and that google is absolutely no help.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else knows. Also, I just wanted to share that story with you all. I've been thinking a great deal about love lately- not that I'm in it (and that's what I'm thinking about)- and also I'm a bit lonely right now. It's the new year, and nobody at the lake even set off fireworks. My family was watching a movie and I checked my watch at 11:55 and then again at 12:02. It has been a thoroughly uneventful ringing-in-of-2014, and literally no one is online. Vince was for a second, but she must have just signed off as I sent her Happy New Year wishes. Ptarckas I haven't talked to in a couple of days, which is fine, I just miss him is all. I'm aware that I can get a little overbearing, and we have been having skype conversations every single night.
I just really want to talk to someone, but we don't have cell service out here and no one is online except Nerd, who I'm sure is playing video games. I guess I could give it a try. Maybe.
It's just that everyone here is in bed, and probably everyone else is out celebrating, or in bed, and I just feel all alone. There's nothing much left for me to do except go to sleep, and I don't want to do that because I'm sad. I guess I could talk to Nerd or write... but you know what I mean. It's New Year's. I should be celebrating, and I'm sitting alone in the middle of the woods instead.
Eh. I'll figure something out.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year and best wishes to all in 2014! It's going to be a good year, I can feel it.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Someday all this will be stories and I like the idea of that
I like the idea of telling people about my university years someday, and getting to say "I had a fantastic first semester- I have no idea how it was so good, but I managed to do well in all my classes, visit home a couple of times, make new friends, get involved in an awesome club that allowed me to explore my interest in space, and I got a boyfriend." Like how. How is this happening. How am I doing this. IT LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE I HAVE MY LIFE ALL FIGURED OUT AND I STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD FEEL THAT WAY.
Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.
Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.
Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)
The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Maybe that's one of those societal things, though, where everyone assumes that no one has their life figured out and it's like no okay I don't have my entire future planned to the letter but I have the next four years or so roughly figured out and that's good enough for me, I can build on that, and I'm right at the beginning of everything right now and it is so much fun. My job right now is to learn and grow, both in school and as a person and in my relationships, whether they be friendships or more "coworker/associate" type relationships or relationship relationships.
Another thing I don't like, though, is that reasonably I can say that I will date lots more people before I settle down. I don't like that because when you're in the start of a new relationship and everything's all peaches and sprinkles, you don't like to think of that fact, because it effectively puts an expiration date on your relationship. I don't want to put an expiration date on this because at the moment it makes me really, really happy. But I guess it's the same thing with saying that friends come and go from your life, and some friendships grow stronger and some fade away and that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean you look at each of your friendships and start thinking that statistically they won't all work out. I suppose some people get married to people they dated in high school, or they only have a few relationships, or their relationships last years and years. It's like on how i met your mother how Lily and Marshall have been together forever, but then everyone around them dates a bunch of people before settling down. I suppose I should just stop freaking out about it, enjoy the relationship while it lasts (and the future is looking bright, my friends, especially because I am an adult now and I get to say what I am and am not comfortable with- I also wanted to talk about that, but in a second), and just enjoy life while it's good. Maybe my life will always be this way, maybe I'm just good at looking on the bright side, maybe life will have downs where things are hard or sad. Either way doesn't change the fact that I'm okay right now and that's all I need to worry about.
Speaking of the "I am an adult now" thing- what I mean by that is that when I mentioned to my parents earlier this week that Grag was going to come over and we were going to skype with Vince (she really wanted to meet him), I had said "so he'll be sitting right here" and pointed next to me on my bed, and then realized that I was talking to my parents, and quickly said "or on the couch." My mother got that mother-tone in her voice and said "he better not be sitting there" to which my dad agreed and then my mom said "You're not ready for that" and that just struck me as, to put it in my mom's words, colossally stupid. I immediately retorted with "Don't you think that's for me to decide?" Then they tried to tell me that they knew best or blabbity bla, that whole "you're young you don't really know what you're talking about" thing, and then my dad said "It's not control, it's concern." To which I replied that yes, I knew that, and I did like that they were concerned about me because of course they would be, they're my parents. But it's like they don't realize that saying "You're not ready for that" does sound like control.
In the end, he did end up sitting next to me in my room, and then there was some stuff that happened which we have decided to call "cuddling" that was actually very enjoyable, to put it lightly. And as it turns out, I was totally fine with it, and so my parents were wrong. Of course they were- they're not me. They can't possibly tell me what I am or am not ready for. Only I can. Of course there's things I'm not ready for- and that's fine. But I am the one who makes those decisions, not my parents.
I do feel a little rebellious, though, considering that they wouldn't let me be alone with a boy for all of high school and now there's nothing stopping me beyond time constraints. And, lo and behold, I actually chose to date a guy who is respectful of my wishes and stops when I ask him to and respects my boundaries, and also makes sure to check in and be like "how are you doing?" every now and then, which I have obviously picked up on and have been doing as well. Although sometimes even answering that question with words is impossible because I forget how to words, so you can tell I picked a good guy ;)
The future is bright, my friends. Even despite the snowfall/freezing rain warning for tomorrow. Things are good and I am trying to just not question that for right now.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING
So there's this link that was shared on my facebook page by the "Because I am a Girl Canada" page that I follow. It's an article in The Atlantic about some yahoo being invited to speak in "public" schools in the South of the US. It's all about "how to be dateable", and of course it enforces ridiculously sexist stereotypes (about both genders, might I add) that are just complete and total bullshit. The article (which is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/christian-speaker-tells-public-school-students-how-to-be-dateable/281488/) mentions that he has a site, so just for shits and giggles, I found it, and there was a "R U DATEABLE" quiz at the bottom so I thought hey, what the hell.
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!
Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.
I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!
Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.
I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I MADE IT FACEBOOK OFFICIAL U GUISE
I am now in a relationship. Also currently waiting for my mother's disapproval. Sigh.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I got to go to Grag's karate class tonight, and after the first hour when the parents and their small children left because small children have school in the morning, I was invited to try. Apparently I wasn't that bad, which I think stems from all the dance I did as a kid. The setup of the class was very similar.
After the class he noted that when I had attempted to take him down (we had to do that with everyone and there is probably a better name for it but this was my first time going to any sort of karate class at all so deal with it) was pretty much the closest we've ever been physically. Which was actually true. When we finally got off the bus at the university again I had literally been trying to hold his hand all night and so finally I just sort of brought it up in conversation and was super subtle-but-not-subtle about it and he was all "Well, as someone with no relationship experience, I suppose you could just ask... do you want to hold hands?" And I smiled like an idiot and reached down and held his hand and I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH PEOPLE OMFG IT IS THE BEST.
Also at one point on the bus he kind of indirectly described himself as my boyfriend, which I then indirectly validated, so... yeah. I think it's pretty clear that it's a real relationship.
Of course now I'm being all stupid and can't think about anything else and I just feel like a giant idiot from smiling so much. It's kind of sad. I really need to get something done. LIKE MY ENGLISH PAPER, AHHHHH. HALF MY GRADE AND NOT VERY GOOD. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. (according to the peer review my thesis is unclear and not original (too late to change it now though yolo i guess) and my paragraphs aren't very well organized and I'm too wordy and need to be more concise) (which is why I'm glad I have no class tomorrow morning so I can start to make that paper better)
Oh, and the Christmas party is a thing that will be happening and he was saying tonight that he's got a suit for it and like dress shoes and everything and it's like WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW I WILL THINK OF NOTHING ELSE I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE I LIKE DRESSED UP YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS IT IS RIDIC. ALSO MISTLETOE IS A THING THAT HAPPENS AT CHRISTMAS. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS. *internally panics and is excited at the same time*
Omg though just things are good right now. EXCEPT HAHAH THAT BIO LAB PRESENTATION IS DUE NEXT WEEK OMFG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AHHHH
No it will be fine our TA is nice and all we have to do is present our data and like analyze it that is not that hard IT WILL BE FINE CALM DOWN.
yer pal,
swegan :)
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT I got to go to Grag's karate class tonight, and after the first hour when the parents and their small children left because small children have school in the morning, I was invited to try. Apparently I wasn't that bad, which I think stems from all the dance I did as a kid. The setup of the class was very similar.
After the class he noted that when I had attempted to take him down (we had to do that with everyone and there is probably a better name for it but this was my first time going to any sort of karate class at all so deal with it) was pretty much the closest we've ever been physically. Which was actually true. When we finally got off the bus at the university again I had literally been trying to hold his hand all night and so finally I just sort of brought it up in conversation and was super subtle-but-not-subtle about it and he was all "Well, as someone with no relationship experience, I suppose you could just ask... do you want to hold hands?" And I smiled like an idiot and reached down and held his hand and I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LIKE HOLDING HANDS WITH PEOPLE OMFG IT IS THE BEST.
Also at one point on the bus he kind of indirectly described himself as my boyfriend, which I then indirectly validated, so... yeah. I think it's pretty clear that it's a real relationship.
Of course now I'm being all stupid and can't think about anything else and I just feel like a giant idiot from smiling so much. It's kind of sad. I really need to get something done. LIKE MY ENGLISH PAPER, AHHHHH. HALF MY GRADE AND NOT VERY GOOD. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. (according to the peer review my thesis is unclear and not original (too late to change it now though yolo i guess) and my paragraphs aren't very well organized and I'm too wordy and need to be more concise) (which is why I'm glad I have no class tomorrow morning so I can start to make that paper better)
Oh, and the Christmas party is a thing that will be happening and he was saying tonight that he's got a suit for it and like dress shoes and everything and it's like WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS NOW I WILL THINK OF NOTHING ELSE I LIKE SEEING PEOPLE I LIKE DRESSED UP YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS IT IS RIDIC. ALSO MISTLETOE IS A THING THAT HAPPENS AT CHRISTMAS. WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS. *internally panics and is excited at the same time*
Omg though just things are good right now. EXCEPT HAHAH THAT BIO LAB PRESENTATION IS DUE NEXT WEEK OMFG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AHHHH
No it will be fine our TA is nice and all we have to do is present our data and like analyze it that is not that hard IT WILL BE FINE CALM DOWN.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
It's been one of those insanely good days for no reason
Like I woke up this morning super tired and my roommate wasn't back. So I went down for breakfast- guess who I ran into on the elevator as it stopped on the third floor? Yes, that's right. So inside I was cackling like "HAHAHA TOTALLY PICKED A GOOD TIME TO GO DOWN AND EAT" and then everyone else from last night was down there too, so it was even better. My roommate came back after and I told her about my night- she just said hers was "interesting" and settled down to homework. I did too, and then I had a meeting for this satellite project thing I joined (I am an assistant project manager, you guys! I'm all official and legit! Kinda-sorta) and got to meet the other assistant project manager and go over stuff, like how they do documentation and use all these different internet programs to organize things. The other assistant is super nice, which is good because I think that means I'll be able to work with him easily. We already have a task to get started on, and then apparently I get to find out about the finances of the group and how they work later with the actual project manager. Honestly, it all sounds so dull when I talk about it but really it's very interesting and what they're doing is so... awesome. Like they're building a satellite to send into space, and they're being very professional about it- proper documentation, organizing the group and giving it a hierarchy, holding regular meetings, using these programs to assign tasks and make charts and set things up... it's admirable. It's also a very daunting task so I think they're really thankful for the new recruits. I'm really glad I went to clubs fair and saw the booth and signed up for it.
I came home- I don't know where my roommate is, she's gone again (this seems to happen a lot, but she is a bit more social than I am and she only came home and woke me up at 3 AM once because she forgot her keys (and she was very sorry about it the next day, so, y'know, she's responsible))- and went down for dinner right at 5. I've learned if I go down early I can get all the food while it's hot and fresh and just YUM. Plus there's usually still chocolate milk in the milk machine, and also most of the people I like to sit with go down pretty early for supper. This means I don't have to sit alone.
PLUS guess who caught the elevator up with me? Heck yes, that's right. He also asked if I had any plans tonight. I said no, after last night (not that it was terribly cray or anything) I just needed a break. And I guess I could go out again, but I feel like I shouldn't. I'm planning on trying to have a bit more alcohol than 1 drink when I go home next weekend, when I am in the company of my family and in the safety of my home, just so I can see what it feels like. I learned what it tastes like and what it does to other people last night (and beer still tastes like vomit to me so I don't understand why people drink it like wow that is DISGUSTING)), but I was too scared to find out what it did to me. Orchid did say "come on! Let's do a shot!" at one point, to which I vehemently shook my head. He kept calling me "the birthday girl" too, although nobody else did, and for some reason it sounded really nice when he said it.
Also I should mention the fact that he was asking about my plans kind of sounded to me like "'Cause if you are I'll tag along" which I don't know if it was but I don't know, augh.
Wow do I sound pathetic or what? Geez. I kind of am, but people make idiots out of themselves in the name of people they're attracted to all the time. I dunno. I feel like it's lame for me to get this crazy over one guy but at the same time I feel like everyone does this, gets crazy over one person they like, and falls asleep at night overanalyzing everything and just... I think it's a human experience. Which validates it for me. IT IS OKAY TO BE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE. The important thing is that this... crush (god I feel like I'm 13 when I use that word) is just one thing in my life, amidst all this other stuff like all the new friends I'm making, the satellite project, Amnesty International meetings (I seriously need to start volunteering for stuff in there, I don't feel like I'm doing anything), all the books I'm reading, and school. I'm keeping busy, but not so busy that I'm tired all the time. I'm making sure to take time for me, too, since I know that's important. Oh, and I'm trying to do things like vacuum and take out the garbage and stuff, because my roommate keeps doing that and I feel bad about it. I need to step up and start doing some work.
Speaking of my roommate, I wonder where she went... Maybe back to whatever hotel her friend is staying at (her friend's birthday was the day after mine so she went out with her, which was totally fine with me- I would have done the same thing). I dunno. I'm not her mother, I'm not going to check up on her all the time. I'm assuming she has her keys and she's out doing whatever she's doing. She'll be fine. She's more used to the world than I am.
I should probably do some math, but I'm being lazy and I totally don't want to. Kind of just feel like curling up with my book and finishing it. The main character in the book appears to be reacting to Italy the same way I reacted to Ireland, so that's interesting, and really great to read. I'm glad to hear it's a human thing to fall in love with a country for absolutely no logical reason. I may not like their overly-religious-not-very-feminist-or-fair stance on abortion, but the history is so... so... and the countryside. God, the countryside. I still remember when we descended through the clouds and they gave way and I saw the ground for the first time and how my first thought was I love it. It's beautiful and I love it. No other country has ever made me feel that way. I just love Ireland, okay you guys? Also I will go to riverdance again if it's the last thing I do.
My hands are slowly drying out, as is my knowledge of math, so I should probably deal with that.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I came home- I don't know where my roommate is, she's gone again (this seems to happen a lot, but she is a bit more social than I am and she only came home and woke me up at 3 AM once because she forgot her keys (and she was very sorry about it the next day, so, y'know, she's responsible))- and went down for dinner right at 5. I've learned if I go down early I can get all the food while it's hot and fresh and just YUM. Plus there's usually still chocolate milk in the milk machine, and also most of the people I like to sit with go down pretty early for supper. This means I don't have to sit alone.
PLUS guess who caught the elevator up with me? Heck yes, that's right. He also asked if I had any plans tonight. I said no, after last night (not that it was terribly cray or anything) I just needed a break. And I guess I could go out again, but I feel like I shouldn't. I'm planning on trying to have a bit more alcohol than 1 drink when I go home next weekend, when I am in the company of my family and in the safety of my home, just so I can see what it feels like. I learned what it tastes like and what it does to other people last night (and beer still tastes like vomit to me so I don't understand why people drink it like wow that is DISGUSTING)), but I was too scared to find out what it did to me. Orchid did say "come on! Let's do a shot!" at one point, to which I vehemently shook my head. He kept calling me "the birthday girl" too, although nobody else did, and for some reason it sounded really nice when he said it.
Also I should mention the fact that he was asking about my plans kind of sounded to me like "'Cause if you are I'll tag along" which I don't know if it was but I don't know, augh.
Wow do I sound pathetic or what? Geez. I kind of am, but people make idiots out of themselves in the name of people they're attracted to all the time. I dunno. I feel like it's lame for me to get this crazy over one guy but at the same time I feel like everyone does this, gets crazy over one person they like, and falls asleep at night overanalyzing everything and just... I think it's a human experience. Which validates it for me. IT IS OKAY TO BE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE. The important thing is that this... crush (god I feel like I'm 13 when I use that word) is just one thing in my life, amidst all this other stuff like all the new friends I'm making, the satellite project, Amnesty International meetings (I seriously need to start volunteering for stuff in there, I don't feel like I'm doing anything), all the books I'm reading, and school. I'm keeping busy, but not so busy that I'm tired all the time. I'm making sure to take time for me, too, since I know that's important. Oh, and I'm trying to do things like vacuum and take out the garbage and stuff, because my roommate keeps doing that and I feel bad about it. I need to step up and start doing some work.
Speaking of my roommate, I wonder where she went... Maybe back to whatever hotel her friend is staying at (her friend's birthday was the day after mine so she went out with her, which was totally fine with me- I would have done the same thing). I dunno. I'm not her mother, I'm not going to check up on her all the time. I'm assuming she has her keys and she's out doing whatever she's doing. She'll be fine. She's more used to the world than I am.
I should probably do some math, but I'm being lazy and I totally don't want to. Kind of just feel like curling up with my book and finishing it. The main character in the book appears to be reacting to Italy the same way I reacted to Ireland, so that's interesting, and really great to read. I'm glad to hear it's a human thing to fall in love with a country for absolutely no logical reason. I may not like their overly-religious-not-very-feminist-or-fair stance on abortion, but the history is so... so... and the countryside. God, the countryside. I still remember when we descended through the clouds and they gave way and I saw the ground for the first time and how my first thought was I love it. It's beautiful and I love it. No other country has ever made me feel that way. I just love Ireland, okay you guys? Also I will go to riverdance again if it's the last thing I do.
My hands are slowly drying out, as is my knowledge of math, so I should probably deal with that.
yer pal,
swegan :)
MY EARS
jESUS FUCK BARS ARE LOUD WHOA
But I still had a lot of fun.
CONTEXT: Some people in the building (mostly people I met through my roommate) took me out to a couple of bars because my 18th was a couple days ago. They pre-drank and I'm pretty sure what I had was a cooler. It tasted like orange starburst and was pretty much the only drink I had- even though we played quarters (I think it was quarters? We were spinning quarters and slamming down beer cans anyway; it was fun) (and I was REALLY GOOD AT SPINNING THE QUARTERS YOU GUYS). Everyone else went through a few beers, and I took such tiny sips that I don't even think I finished my drink.
That was also fun because I was sitting straight across the table from Orchid and we kept glancing at each other and I was like BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE FUCK YES. I am done with trying to not like him, I have the most pathetic crush in the world. Although I do think I kind of managed to flirt a little bit, but that was later.
Lucy was supposed to come over, but she called almost as soon as I went down to join them in pre-drinking to say that she didn't think it was a good idea to go out onto the street we were going out on, that she didn't think it was safe for my first time, and that she didn't feel safe going. I was pretty upset by that, but she offered to take me out tomorrow or Sunday. I'm going to have to pass, because I don't think I can handle going out two nights in a row, and it was super not-cool of her to bail on me last minute. I mean, I realize I didn't really tell her where we were going until the last minute because I didn't even know until the last minute, but she still had like a whole hour to text and say "I don't think that's a good idea."
After that I called mom and had decided not to go out, but after playing some drinking games I was feeling a little less bummed out, so I did decide to go out. Of course mom made me tell her who I was going out with and where I was going and made me give her the number of one of the girls I was going out with and said if she didn't hear from me by one she was calling the police. It was ridiculous. I mean, I appreciate that mom cares about me and worries about me, but, y'know, I am legally an adult now. I could still recite the alphabet backwards without stopping- which I think qualifies me as totally sober enough to make the decision to go out. It's not like she was going to be able to stop me. It was kind of nice to think that.
Anyway, the first bar we went to the bouncer looked at my ID, then did a double take to make sure I was 18, and then wished me a happy birthday. The music in there was so loud omg, and eventually one of the girls I came in with told the bartender I was the DD and wanted a drink that wasn't alcoholic but looked like it was. I think what I got was a fake margarita, and it was disgusting- I shit you not, it tasted like vomit. One of the guys who came out- not orchid- downed the rest of it as we left. I told him later it was non-alcoholic, and he said he could guess.
We went to stand in line at another place after that- I tried to talk to Orchid as much as I could on these walks to places; he and I usually ended up walking behind the other three we went out with and he was tipsy so he talked more than usual. God, he's adorable when he's tipsy.
Anyway the second bar we went to we had to wait in line behind a group of like 10 smokers, but eventually we got in and sat down; the two guys played a few rounds of buck hunter, and then the girls took me to the dance floor. It was fun, although some drunk guy tried to hug me and was like "you know this song!" and so I pushed him off, and he looked at me awkwardly and then tried again, so one of the girls took my hand and spun me away. It was so... I don't know the word, clever maybe, what she did. I was impressed. Then later this extremely creepy guy in a suit jacket was staring at that same girl, and her friend had to spin her away, and then he kept staring at me and so I shook my head, but he just kept staring at me and I tried to zip up my coat, feeling uncomfortable (jesus I was in a pink Darth Vader t-shirt), so he started trying to button up his jacket, and eventually I convinced the girls that we had to move because I was seriously uncomfortable. I've never felt more like a piece of meat in my life, and even after I shook my head no at him! No means no, you fucking asshole.
He followed us over, but there were other people in the way. I think he may have tried to grope some girls after that, and then we had started talking to some also-drunk guy who seemed significantly less creepy, and then they walked me back over to where orchid and the other guy were sitting, and I sat there with them.
As that was happening, after the girls went back to dance, suddenly there were seven security guards pinning some guy to the floor in the middle of the bar. I didn't get a good look, but I saw a flash of his wrist and the suit jacket and I thought, oh my god, it's the creepy guy. Security escorted him out and I felt much better after that. Although the other guy (wow I feel bad not giving him or the girls a nickname- they'll probably get nicknames in the future, but right now I'm too tired to think of any) and orchid were super not-drunk-at-all, so they just kind of sat there and looked depressed. I tried not to look really creepy as I snuck un-subtle glances but god fucking damn you guys I told you this crush was pathetic. *buries head in hands* ugh. I try, I promise.
Shortly after that we went home, although the girls went back to the first place so I walked back with the two guys. We had a nice conversation, and I think I may have called orchid "adorable" at one point (he was telling us what he thought of canada as a kid, okay? It was adorable). I think that was the extent of me attempting to flirt.
THERE WAS AN ATTEMPT.
Anyway. Now I'm at home, ears feeling like they're full of cotton, stomach a bit sloshy, teeth freshly brushed to remove the taste of the non-alcoholic margarita. God, that was so gross.
And I don't know why, but I had so much fun. Just going out and being able to go out and order drinks if I wanted and drink if I wanted and just... it was so new for me and I was enthralled by all of it. It was a good time. Plus, now I'm not so scared of alcoholic bevarages (it seriously took me a half hour to work myself up to having the first sip. I'm not kidding you. I was petrified). Orchid did try to convince me to do a shot though- everyone was like "you're the birthday girl, you're allowed to be wasted!" and I was just like "yeah but this is my first time having alcohol so um yeah nope." They kept trying to devise plans to get me even a little tipsy. I don't even think I was buzzed. I felt so sober the whole time, although at the beginning of the night I felt proxy-drunk-- I was acting drunk even though I wasn't, because everyone else was (sort of).
I feel like such a young adult. Definitely won't be doing that tomorrow night, though. Or probably very frequently. I'll have to work my way up to having more alcohol (I do not want to get wasted. That does not sound like fun. I don't even want to be drunk. I think I'll settle for tipsy, just to see what it's like). I came home and drank an entire glass of water and had 2 advil, as per my dad's instructions. I feel fine now. A bit tired, a bit desperate, but fine. Seriously debating telling my roommate (crap I didn't give her a nickname either, I need to do that) (Lily maybe?) (i dunno) that I have the most pathetic crush in the world on Orchid, though. Although I'm not sure what she'd do about it. I'm afraid it would be weird. We'll see what happens.
All in all- a great adventure. I'm really glad I went out.
yer pal,
swegan :)
But I still had a lot of fun.
CONTEXT: Some people in the building (mostly people I met through my roommate) took me out to a couple of bars because my 18th was a couple days ago. They pre-drank and I'm pretty sure what I had was a cooler. It tasted like orange starburst and was pretty much the only drink I had- even though we played quarters (I think it was quarters? We were spinning quarters and slamming down beer cans anyway; it was fun) (and I was REALLY GOOD AT SPINNING THE QUARTERS YOU GUYS). Everyone else went through a few beers, and I took such tiny sips that I don't even think I finished my drink.
That was also fun because I was sitting straight across the table from Orchid and we kept glancing at each other and I was like BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE FUCK YES. I am done with trying to not like him, I have the most pathetic crush in the world. Although I do think I kind of managed to flirt a little bit, but that was later.
Lucy was supposed to come over, but she called almost as soon as I went down to join them in pre-drinking to say that she didn't think it was a good idea to go out onto the street we were going out on, that she didn't think it was safe for my first time, and that she didn't feel safe going. I was pretty upset by that, but she offered to take me out tomorrow or Sunday. I'm going to have to pass, because I don't think I can handle going out two nights in a row, and it was super not-cool of her to bail on me last minute. I mean, I realize I didn't really tell her where we were going until the last minute because I didn't even know until the last minute, but she still had like a whole hour to text and say "I don't think that's a good idea."
After that I called mom and had decided not to go out, but after playing some drinking games I was feeling a little less bummed out, so I did decide to go out. Of course mom made me tell her who I was going out with and where I was going and made me give her the number of one of the girls I was going out with and said if she didn't hear from me by one she was calling the police. It was ridiculous. I mean, I appreciate that mom cares about me and worries about me, but, y'know, I am legally an adult now. I could still recite the alphabet backwards without stopping- which I think qualifies me as totally sober enough to make the decision to go out. It's not like she was going to be able to stop me. It was kind of nice to think that.
Anyway, the first bar we went to the bouncer looked at my ID, then did a double take to make sure I was 18, and then wished me a happy birthday. The music in there was so loud omg, and eventually one of the girls I came in with told the bartender I was the DD and wanted a drink that wasn't alcoholic but looked like it was. I think what I got was a fake margarita, and it was disgusting- I shit you not, it tasted like vomit. One of the guys who came out- not orchid- downed the rest of it as we left. I told him later it was non-alcoholic, and he said he could guess.
We went to stand in line at another place after that- I tried to talk to Orchid as much as I could on these walks to places; he and I usually ended up walking behind the other three we went out with and he was tipsy so he talked more than usual. God, he's adorable when he's tipsy.
Anyway the second bar we went to we had to wait in line behind a group of like 10 smokers, but eventually we got in and sat down; the two guys played a few rounds of buck hunter, and then the girls took me to the dance floor. It was fun, although some drunk guy tried to hug me and was like "you know this song!" and so I pushed him off, and he looked at me awkwardly and then tried again, so one of the girls took my hand and spun me away. It was so... I don't know the word, clever maybe, what she did. I was impressed. Then later this extremely creepy guy in a suit jacket was staring at that same girl, and her friend had to spin her away, and then he kept staring at me and so I shook my head, but he just kept staring at me and I tried to zip up my coat, feeling uncomfortable (jesus I was in a pink Darth Vader t-shirt), so he started trying to button up his jacket, and eventually I convinced the girls that we had to move because I was seriously uncomfortable. I've never felt more like a piece of meat in my life, and even after I shook my head no at him! No means no, you fucking asshole.
He followed us over, but there were other people in the way. I think he may have tried to grope some girls after that, and then we had started talking to some also-drunk guy who seemed significantly less creepy, and then they walked me back over to where orchid and the other guy were sitting, and I sat there with them.
As that was happening, after the girls went back to dance, suddenly there were seven security guards pinning some guy to the floor in the middle of the bar. I didn't get a good look, but I saw a flash of his wrist and the suit jacket and I thought, oh my god, it's the creepy guy. Security escorted him out and I felt much better after that. Although the other guy (wow I feel bad not giving him or the girls a nickname- they'll probably get nicknames in the future, but right now I'm too tired to think of any) and orchid were super not-drunk-at-all, so they just kind of sat there and looked depressed. I tried not to look really creepy as I snuck un-subtle glances but god fucking damn you guys I told you this crush was pathetic. *buries head in hands* ugh. I try, I promise.
Shortly after that we went home, although the girls went back to the first place so I walked back with the two guys. We had a nice conversation, and I think I may have called orchid "adorable" at one point (he was telling us what he thought of canada as a kid, okay? It was adorable). I think that was the extent of me attempting to flirt.
THERE WAS AN ATTEMPT.
Anyway. Now I'm at home, ears feeling like they're full of cotton, stomach a bit sloshy, teeth freshly brushed to remove the taste of the non-alcoholic margarita. God, that was so gross.
And I don't know why, but I had so much fun. Just going out and being able to go out and order drinks if I wanted and drink if I wanted and just... it was so new for me and I was enthralled by all of it. It was a good time. Plus, now I'm not so scared of alcoholic bevarages (it seriously took me a half hour to work myself up to having the first sip. I'm not kidding you. I was petrified). Orchid did try to convince me to do a shot though- everyone was like "you're the birthday girl, you're allowed to be wasted!" and I was just like "yeah but this is my first time having alcohol so um yeah nope." They kept trying to devise plans to get me even a little tipsy. I don't even think I was buzzed. I felt so sober the whole time, although at the beginning of the night I felt proxy-drunk-- I was acting drunk even though I wasn't, because everyone else was (sort of).
I feel like such a young adult. Definitely won't be doing that tomorrow night, though. Or probably very frequently. I'll have to work my way up to having more alcohol (I do not want to get wasted. That does not sound like fun. I don't even want to be drunk. I think I'll settle for tipsy, just to see what it's like). I came home and drank an entire glass of water and had 2 advil, as per my dad's instructions. I feel fine now. A bit tired, a bit desperate, but fine. Seriously debating telling my roommate (crap I didn't give her a nickname either, I need to do that) (Lily maybe?) (i dunno) that I have the most pathetic crush in the world on Orchid, though. Although I'm not sure what she'd do about it. I'm afraid it would be weird. We'll see what happens.
All in all- a great adventure. I'm really glad I went out.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Monday, September 30, 2013
YAY FALL
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERY APARTMENT BUILDING HAS HIRED SOMEONE TO BLOW THE LEAVES OFF THEIR LAWNS LIKE WHY?? It's fall! LEaves! LEAVES! LEAVES! Everywhere! All over for me to stomp in and kick around and make crunchy sounds that make the walk to school a little less glum.
And the chill! The chill in the air! I don't get sweaty walking home from school anymore! No, because now I can wear my jacket and be a bold splash of orange in the sea of gray and brown and black sweaters I see every day. BEHOLD MY ORANGE COAT AND BLUE SCARF, THEY ARE MARVELOUS! FALL IS HERE! HOORAY!
ANd even better is that tomorrow it is OCTOBER! YAY! October is obviously the best month out of all the months, because it's seriously like everyone's birthday AND thanksgiving AND halloween AND as autumn as it gets in Canada. The chill is here but the snow is not, the wasps are dead but you don't quite need mittens yet (unless you're me and you're always cold).
AND GRAY DAYS. SO MANY. IT'S WONDERFUL. Everyone knows gray days are the best excuse for a cup of hot chocolate. And sweaters, big wooly ones with zippers and buttons or maybe none at all.
And the smell! The trees all smell so lovely and when I'm not breathing in cigarette smoke from passing smokers, I can smell the trees! And when it rains, you can smell the leaves! THE LEAVES, LET ME TELL YOU. They are yellow and yellow-green and orange-brown and they almost scatter everywhere and make glorious crunchy noises and glorious crisp smells and
SHIT THE CUTE BOY FROM THE APARTMENT BELOW JUST KNOCKED and then he opened the door which my roommate left unlocked (because she left apparently) and said "hello?" and I was like "wat" (not out loud of course) and then I said "hello?" but he'd already closed the door so I scurried out and opened it and he was in the hallway and asked if I knew where my roommate was and I said no I thought she was sleeping and he just said she still had his ruler so I let him in to get it and then I held the door open and he TOOK OFF HIS FUCKING SHOES before he went to her room which was literally like 5 steps away and then put them back on and JESUS he smelled better than the leaves outside, I swear to god.
Fuck this isn't even a crush. This is just sad. Very, very sad.
Anyway. Autumn. AUTUMN. I love autumn more than anything else in the whole entire world. And every time I am outside I smile because LEAVEs and SMELLS and just ahhhh, autumn.
Also I get to start wearing scarves now so I am a happy egg.
AND AND AND this morning, my alarm went off at like 7:15. I turned it off, opened my eyes ten minutes later, and like WHOA the sky was on fire with red! Holy sunrise, batman! A few minutes later, and it was orange, and then pink, and finally it just faded into the gray of the day (which was awesome, because as I mentioned before, I love gray days). It was just so... vibrant this morning. Maybe because the clouds were there to catch the light? I don't know what it was but it was amazing either way and I love my east-facing window. In fact I think that's now something I want to look for in a house or apartment or whatever. An east-facing window. Sunrises are the shit, yo, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Especially now that they get later so I can actually catch them as they happen.
yer pal,
swegan (I give up. Whatever. The past is the past and this is my thing now. The end).
And the chill! The chill in the air! I don't get sweaty walking home from school anymore! No, because now I can wear my jacket and be a bold splash of orange in the sea of gray and brown and black sweaters I see every day. BEHOLD MY ORANGE COAT AND BLUE SCARF, THEY ARE MARVELOUS! FALL IS HERE! HOORAY!
ANd even better is that tomorrow it is OCTOBER! YAY! October is obviously the best month out of all the months, because it's seriously like everyone's birthday AND thanksgiving AND halloween AND as autumn as it gets in Canada. The chill is here but the snow is not, the wasps are dead but you don't quite need mittens yet (unless you're me and you're always cold).
AND GRAY DAYS. SO MANY. IT'S WONDERFUL. Everyone knows gray days are the best excuse for a cup of hot chocolate. And sweaters, big wooly ones with zippers and buttons or maybe none at all.
And the smell! The trees all smell so lovely and when I'm not breathing in cigarette smoke from passing smokers, I can smell the trees! And when it rains, you can smell the leaves! THE LEAVES, LET ME TELL YOU. They are yellow and yellow-green and orange-brown and they almost scatter everywhere and make glorious crunchy noises and glorious crisp smells and
SHIT THE CUTE BOY FROM THE APARTMENT BELOW JUST KNOCKED and then he opened the door which my roommate left unlocked (because she left apparently) and said "hello?" and I was like "wat" (not out loud of course) and then I said "hello?" but he'd already closed the door so I scurried out and opened it and he was in the hallway and asked if I knew where my roommate was and I said no I thought she was sleeping and he just said she still had his ruler so I let him in to get it and then I held the door open and he TOOK OFF HIS FUCKING SHOES before he went to her room which was literally like 5 steps away and then put them back on and JESUS he smelled better than the leaves outside, I swear to god.
Fuck this isn't even a crush. This is just sad. Very, very sad.
Anyway. Autumn. AUTUMN. I love autumn more than anything else in the whole entire world. And every time I am outside I smile because LEAVEs and SMELLS and just ahhhh, autumn.
Also I get to start wearing scarves now so I am a happy egg.
AND AND AND this morning, my alarm went off at like 7:15. I turned it off, opened my eyes ten minutes later, and like WHOA the sky was on fire with red! Holy sunrise, batman! A few minutes later, and it was orange, and then pink, and finally it just faded into the gray of the day (which was awesome, because as I mentioned before, I love gray days). It was just so... vibrant this morning. Maybe because the clouds were there to catch the light? I don't know what it was but it was amazing either way and I love my east-facing window. In fact I think that's now something I want to look for in a house or apartment or whatever. An east-facing window. Sunrises are the shit, yo, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Especially now that they get later so I can actually catch them as they happen.
yer pal,
swegan (I give up. Whatever. The past is the past and this is my thing now. The end).
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED
Fantastic advice from one of my favourite bloggers.... if only it were to come true. sigh.
actually that's not even true. i'd settle for going out for coffee with the guy and having a real conversation with him and stuff and being able to playfully shove him on the shoulder when we are joking around. Crushes are truly wonderful, horrible things.
anyway, i have many homeworks.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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