Saturday, April 26, 2014

Letters (a fun 700th post!)

I saw this thing on tumblr. People are supposed to put one in the ask box and then you write a letter, but I thought hey, this would be an interesting blog post. Y'know, if people are interested in reading about my life. And then we reach this conundrum again, and I realize there is no obligation for me to blog about anything else. Besides, I'm between the ages of 15 and 25. These are the years when I'm supposed to be self centered, so why not run with it?

Dear Person I hate,
I hate you.

Dear Person I like,
I'm going to assume this is a person I admire as a person. And okay, so, I don't know how you're this great, I don't know how it's possible for someone to have a heart of gold. You have been there for me always, and I know I haven't fully returned the favour, and that weighs on my heart. You are one of those people I feel eternally lucky to know, and if I can, I'd like to hang on to you for as long as possible, because you are a constant source of light and goodness in my life.

Dear ex boyfriend,
Well, I think we're becoming friends, anyway. Or at least civil, or at least we can hang out and talk about stuff. You are still not the first person I go to when I am bored or sad or lonely and I doubt you ever will be again, but I sincerely hope we can get along and be some kind of friends again, because it seems like underneath you are a decent person, and it seems like you are deciding to bring that out. I wish you the best of luck with your future, and I hope that our friend group becomes stronger now that it's been two years.

Dear ex girlfriend,
Well, you don't actually exist, because I've never dated a girl. Maybe there'll be one of these in the future, I really can't say. But I hope we're at least civil.

Dear ex bestfriend,
I really don't know what motivated you to unfriend two of the people you were closest to on facebook. To me, that seems... rude, almost. I can't say I'm surprised, given how much you blew us off, and I can't say I'll miss your condescension towards me. Everyone treated me like an innocent lamb, but you were definitely one of the worst about it. Good luck with the career you've chosen, and I hope your new friends make you happy. I can't wish bad luck upon you, even though what you did still stings a little.

Dear Santa,
I'd really like to believe you exist because Christmas is one of those times of year that I feel like magic has to exist somewhere.

Dear mom,
I know we have our issues but I still trust you. I know you don't approve of my boyfriend, but I still value your opinion. Your help and advice and support to me all these years has been absolutely invaluable, and I would not be the person you say you are so proud of today if you had not been there to help me along. Here's to many more years and the joy of knowing that you'll probably be alive to meet any children I may have, and hoping that you will affect them as you did me. I love you.
However, I'd really like you to get off my case about my weight. I'm sick and tired of little comments slipped in when I'm eating "too much" or "badly" and how I am growing "out and not up" and how I need to "be careful." These comments are poison and it's really hard to ignore them. I know you think I'm pretty, but those comments make me feel like I am on the cusp of becoming unpretty, unwanted, someone to be ashamed of rather than proud of. Please, for the love of god, stop.

Dear dad,
If there's anything I hope to have inherited from you besides your intelligence, I hope it's your sense of humor. It's one of my favourite things about you. Like I did for mom, I thank you for all you did to help and support me throughout my life. It means a lot. I love you, too.

Dear future me,
I sincerely hope you are more well adjusted. And happy. I hope that you lived whatever life you wanted to, I hope that you loved passionately and never stopped being ridiculous and stayed friends with good people, that you were and are a good person who tries, even if you may not always succeed. I know you are still a feminist and I sincerely hope that the future you live in is better than this one for that reason.

Dear past me,
You made a lot of stupid decisions but you'll come out all right in the end.

Dear person I'm jealous of,
What, only one person? Ha. I have plenty of people to be jealous of. People who do better than me. People who get better grades, who have more natural talent, who float through life effortlessly, doing everything perfectly, having it all work out for you. Because I am competitive, I am jealous that I'm not the best at anything. I have a desperate need to be the best at something and it eats me up sometimes. But overall, I don't want to be any of you. I know that it's foolish to ask for your lives when mine is perfectly fine, even if I never come out at the front anymore.

Dear person I had a crush on,
Wow, you turned out to be kind of a dick. I mean, I still don't know you that well, and you have another girlfriend now, and I don't hate you. You seem to be just doing life. But your idea of life involves a lot of drinking and going out, and yet somehow also a lot of homework. I couldn't keep up with you, no matter how good looking you are. Thankfully, it is difficult to continue pining for you when a) you are an 8 hour drive away, b) you have a girlfriend now, and c) I now have a boyfriend of my own.

Dear significant other,
I know I say it all the time, but you're great. Really. You might bother me sometimes, with your bizarre factual knowledge of things no one cares about that you bring up in dinner conversations, or how you can correct me pretty much all the time, but I know you're not doing it out of malice. You are too kind of a person for that. I am beginning to think that you are another one of those bizarrely good people I meet and try to hang on to because those kind of people bring nothing but light into your life. I only know one other person like that, and the possibility of having found another is thrilling to me. I think people who read this blog know the kind of people I'm talking about. Not the ones who are so good it's impossible to hate them, but those people who seem to radiate goodness and light without trying, and you wonder why they're friends with you of all people.
Anyway... you've been a rock throughout my first year of university, and you're a good match for me. I know we've only been dating five months, but they've seriously been great. You've proven to be an excellent boyfriend and I am very much looking forward to a future with you in it.
I also miss you greatly. And I love you.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Relationship things

Seriously I don't know how this is going so well. It's bizarre. It's been five months now (cue the condescension of adults everywhere who don't think that's a big deal) and things are still going very, very well. We text a lot. We skype a lot. I realize it's only a week into summer and that we're bound to fall off the wagon at some point or another with somehow managing to communicate daily, but things are working really, really well, and it's very bizarre to me.

The way I see relationships is that there's a good period, when you're happy and the relationship is new and everything is exciting and perfect and your mood about it all is a wistful, happy sigh. I only expected that to last a few months. That's where the hard stuff is supposed to start, I think, where you are supposed to come across obstacles.

Or maybe it's a statistical thing? The longer you're with someone, the more likely it is that you'll run into some difficulty that will have an impact on the relationship. It's even true with friendships, although I find those somewhat easier to maintain (not that I'm any good at it, anyway). Perhaps this is an indication that I simply picked someone who I really work well with, someone who I'll be with for a long haul (and by that I mean a relationship lasting a few years), but I don't want to think about that too much.

I keep trying to predict how long the relationship will last, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because my parents are putting so much weight on the fact that now I'm in university, where I will most likely meet someone I will settle down with. It's not that I don't like the idea of settling down, but I think they're getting too ahead of themselves. I'm still only 18. I'm even getting ahead of myself. There's no rush at all. Mom said closer to the beginning that she was worried that I was missing out on other options by being in a committed relationship so soon. Which again, ties into the being young thing- I am still very young. There is no need to be worried.

I need to stop thinking about this and just enjoy the relationship. We have a very good thing going, with lots of open communication, trust, respect, etc (SRSLY GUISE COMMUNICATION IS SO GREAT PLS BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE BUT ALSO BE GENTLE AND STUFF). I have my head way too high in the clouds with my parents (particularly my mother) being all crazy. I wish they could just be happy for me, that I'm happy and that I'm in a relationship with a good person, a smart person, a kind person. I suppose, though, that I can't let their wishes for me dictate how I think about things. I need to let it go and just focus on how I feel about things, since it is my life, after all.

I guess I am not that good at being a grownup yet. Not that I've had a lot of experience, anyway. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. In the meantime, I will focus on going to school, being a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, and sister, and enjoying my life while it is more than full of joy.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Sweet Freedom

My last day back where I go to school was really hard. I mean, mostly it just consisted of packing up my room (and accidentally removing some paint thanks to my stupid calendar), which Ptarckas helped with, and then my parents left to go furniture shopping and Freckles went with them, and Ptarckas and I just sort of hung out all day. It was fun. We went back to do my room check around dinner, and after that, I was gone. My parents invited Ptarckas to join us for dinner, we dropped him off at the train station (after my dad very generously leave the restaurant early to say goodbye, which was no fun at all) and then we drove to a nearby city, stopped there overnight, and drove home the next day.

I still feel like I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone I wanted to. Carina and I actually had a whole afternoon of window shopping on the street I live on, which is full of random little stores and boutiques. We found a really cool vintage place that we had a lot of fun in, finding random objects and tapes and clothes and things. We didn't end up buying anything, but it was still fun to go out and making sassy little comments back and forth to each other. We also ended up going out for nachos (and realizing that the mexican place means that their nachos are more for 4 amigos than 2 amigos when it says "for 2-4 amigos") and then deciding to make a skype book club. Plus she gave me a hug when I walked her back to the train and I was like YAY WE HAVE REACHED THE HUG LEVEL OF FRIENDSHIP.

I haven't actually texted her in a couple of days now... she still has finals to write and stuff. I suppose I should, just to get our book club started. I'm thinking since she lives near a much bigger library, that I should find some books in the library here and then she should try and find them at her library and then we both read them and have a discussion. Although I'm supposed to be reading the "divergent" trilogy so I can go see the movie with Freckles, who has read the books and absolutely loves them. To me, they're certainly good, and I want to know what happens next, but it's not an insatiable hunger or anything.

Anyway, I say sweet freedom, and I mean it. No more homework, labs, exams, papers... it's glorious. Plus, I never have to take english again. Ever. No more analyzing anything for metaphors and symbolism ever again. From now on, I analyze books I read only as much as I want. Which makes me think of Like Water for Chocolate. I need a copy of that book.
But, the freedom is really nice. I've watched a lot of TV in the past couple of days (well, Netflix, to be accurate) and eaten a lot of good home food and slept SO MUCH and today Freckles and I went to the mall and it was so much fun, and I feel so relaxed. It's really good to have a break. I also got to see Artifex again, and another friend who clearly needs a nickname god fucking dammit. I need to get on that. Also, I feel that I should remove Tudo from the side list of friends, considering how she unfriended both Artifex and I on fb. Clearly she has moved on... it hurts, but I can't say I'm surprised.

The only thing I can think of that is contradictory to the title is that I do feel sort of constrained now. Whereas back at school I could pretty much come and go as I pleased to wherever public transportation or my own two feet would take me, now I feel that I can't leave the house after my parents go to bed and there's not a lot of places I'd go alone here at that time of night anyway, and it's not like I live a 5-minute walk away from anything to do that isn't a park. Plus, my battery is dead (like completely, totally, utterly dead, despite charging for two days- it seems no one has touched it for several months), so I have been graciously using my dad's old car (which apparently at this point IS old and is no longer worth very much given how often it needs to be fixed or needs something replaced) to go places. It is nice to drive again. I've missed it, and I feel really lucky that I get to come home back to my own car and drive it again.

Since I've been home, though, my main task has been checking my email for EPASS and grade notifications (I got an A- in Women's and Gender Studies!! Yay!), unpacking while listening to the cheesiest, least creative pop music that I can find, and eating. Oh, and drinking tea. Although I've found the only kind that I like is probably really expensive and hard to find. It doesn't have that sour aftertaste, which my mom refers to as "tannins" and I know nothing about tea at all so I'm assuming she's right.

Anyway... that's sort of an update. I haven't been posting anything this month because, well, it's been busy, and it's been the last month, and I guess I decided that school and making sure to spend time with people before I had to leave them were more important than blogging. That's bound to happen sometimes.

yer pal,

Sunday, April 6, 2014


And by that I mean I would much rather be wearing skirts and shorts and capris and dresses but I fucking can't because IT'S STILL WINTER


Oh, that's right, I moved FURTHER NORTH than I already was to go to uni. Smart thinking, past swegan. Real smart.

But I just

So last night I realized about 10:30 that I really wanted some grapes. Like really, really badly. That and chocolate. It seems PMS symptoms have developed in me over time, as this never used to be an issue. Every month now, I get a new ailment. First it was acne. Then bloating. Then more bloating. Then overheating. And now the cravings are bad. Seriously, it's like my uterus is really pissed off and it's like "YOU'RE-" (acne worsens) "-NOT-" (bloating and cravings) "-PREGNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!" and then suddenly my period arrives and the bloating disappears and the cravings go away and... well, my acne kind of moves in for the week, although I guess I'm lucky because it's really very mild. I also just like to imagine my uterus as really mad that it can't fulfill its sole purpose. Sorry, uterus, I have more important things to do. Like, y'know, finish school and get a job and get married, in that order.

Anyway, so I realized at about like 10:30 that I wanted some grapes and chocolate and so I went to safeway intending to buy grapes and this bag of small mars bars that I had seen on sale with a club card. Of course, on my way towards the other end of the store after picking up the grapes (which were hella delish, might I say) I passed by the bakery section, and they had trays of baked goods there.

I don't know if I've said this before, but I have a huge love for nanaimo bars. They're just the fucking best, and the only Christmas goodie that can top them (yes, they have been topped) are Hello Dollies, which are probably a more common recipe but we use the one in the book my grandma gave my dad and it's like a cookie-crumb-crust on the bottom, and then layers of chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, evaporated milk, sweetened coconut, and walnuts. They are seriously rich and also one of the most delicious things ever.

Jesus, it's 1:20. I need to eat something. I'll be back soon.


Anyway, so I bought the nanaimo bars and the grapes and came home and was so happy that nobody was there to say swegan maybe you shouldn't be buying nanaimo bars or spending money on extra food at all and it was just me, happy with my purchases, walking along down the street without a care.

And on the way TO safeway, I had realized that it was actually pretty warm out and I thought it smelled like spring, or at least like the opposite of winter, the smell of dying snow and soggy dirt and birdsong, but on the way home I realized no, it didn't just smell like spring.

It smelled like summer.

There was an unmistakable scent to the air that made me think of last year at the Relay for Life, when I got up to walk laps at 3 AM and the grass was wet and it was chilly but not cold and it smelled like summer. Or the time last summer when I went to watch a meteor shower at 3 AM and got outside to find heavy cloud cover, but stayed outside anyway to listen to the purest silence I've ever heard and smell the night air, deep and ominous. It reminds me of all the summers in the backyard spent around the fire, of all the summers when I'd leave my window open and smell the breeze come into my room. It smelled like the air when we were out at the cabin building a campfire, when we'd go watch fireworks on Canada day on the boat on the lake where my grandparents live. It reminded me of every summer night I've ever experienced. All the meteors I'd counted, mosquito bites I'd gotten, glowsticks I'd used up, marshmallows I'd roasted, stars I'd seen. There's something very magical about summer, even when it's not midday and blinding heat. There's magic in even the cloudy, gray days, in the days where it rains and everything cools off, in the days when it's mild out and I water the plants anyway, watching the tomatoes grow. Summer.

I miss summer a lot, in case you couldn't tell, and I always vow to make the most of summers when they roll around, only to spend them working in a lab and being too tired when I get home to think of doing anything but watching TV with my sister. That's part of why I don't really want to get a job. I want to spend the summer doing summer. I want to be busy all day but doing things like reading bad romance novels at the library or eating ice cream with Artifex or teaching Vince how to ride a bike (I promised her we'd do that this summer) or having water gun fights at which I inevitably lose or taking pictures of Freckles and her friend as they do cartwheels in the park or going to the mall with Zoey and Marissa and buying nothing but food or just sleeping in, waking up when I want to, eating when I want to, dressing how I want to... I just want a break. I want to not be responsible for anything. I don't want to wake up at 8 to get to a job at 9 to work until 5. That's probably part of why I've procrastinated on applying for jobs, because I'm lucky enough not to need one and lazy enough not to want one.

But I'll apply anyway because it's money and experience I should probably be getting, and speaking of which, I need to pass my finals so I should resume studying for those again. And despite my passionate longing for summer, English is canceled tomorrow so I'll be going skating thanks to my three hour break and drop-in skating being at the perfect time

Anyway. Work. Yes

yer pal,