CHRISTMAS PARTAY

but first GRAG REMINDS ME OF NILES SO HARD OMFG. I think it's the hair. Well, that, and sometimes the way he speaks. I dunno. It's like how my dad's cousin reminds me of Cameron Diaz, or how Zoey reminds me of Britney Spears (well, Britney Spears in like 2002). There is no explanation. There is just weird resemblance.

BUT BUT BUT he emailed me three times about three different things, one of which is this Christmas party that the students' union at our school apparently has. Since he volunteers, he gets to go, but he is also allowed one guest, and he invited me. :3 I should mention this is like, a fancy Christmas party with a theme, so I have to dress up, and EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FEELS SO ADULT OMFG IT IS WONDERFUL. The only problem now is that I don't actually have a dress that goes with the theme, but believe me, I'll sort something out. I have been freaking out about it all day. When I told my mother about it, she just said she hoped there would be no shenanigans, to which I responded: "Mom, if I say there won't be any shenanigans, there sure as hell won't be any shenanigans."
Can you wear a black dress to a Christmas party? Are these things adults are just supposed to know? FUCK WHAT IF HE WEARS A SUIT YOU GUYS AND HAS LIKE FUCKING DRESS SHOES AND EVERYTHING OMG I WILL LITERALLY DIE. It would be such a big jump from sweatpants and t-shirts and running shoes.

Now is when I realize I don't know how to hair, either. I guess if I can curl it somehow... I mean, I don't think Grag will really care what my hair looks like, but I care, and like 75% of every time I dress fancy is because I like dressing fancy. Also I think he mentioned this in part because I mentioned that I liked dressing fancy. He keeps doing that, remembering things I like. It's really sweet. I'm trying so hard to do the same thing back because I feel like that's how you show people you care about them. Or one way, anyway. However, so far I know very little about him other than that he does karate, is pretty nerdy (he plays dungeons and dragons, ergo, he is nerdy) (no like you can't dispute that with me that is how it is) (not that it's a bad thing), plays video games (sometimes??? I think??) and may or may not be a brony. Oh, and he's really good at philosophy. Well, I guess I know other things about him, too, but like... I don't really know what he likes. Geez. This is so hard.

Also I apologize for my entire blog being this lately but this does tend to happen. When I started university, this whole thing was university for like weeks and weeks, and I'm fairly certain this same thing that's happening right now may or may not have happened in grade nine. It's a good distraction from the fact that I'm about 8000 words behind on NaNo and have only written 3K today to catch up, which is just sad. Plus it was all dialogue, which I'm pretty proud of, but still. I wrote a scene. I can do better than that.
Also he's so f*cking sweet to me all the time I swear I'm going to get cavities if I don't talk about it.

But I did have a thought today, when I told mom about the guy who sits next to me in math and how his name is eerily similar to a history teacher I had in high school and she asked if he was cute-- I feel like my mother thinks that the guys that end up liking me are stereotypically attractive, and they never are. That's not to say they aren't attractive, just in different ways- this sounds really bad, but it's not, I swear- and I guess... I want to say my mom doesn't see that, but that's not quite it, either. I don't even think it's about that, it's about the fact that Grag is 22 and has basically done ... well, not a lot, since getting out of high school. I'm not going to lie and say that's attractive to me, either, but then again, it's not like it matters right now. I still think about middle school far more than I should, and that doesn't matter. I don't care if it's a stupid idea but right now I think, well, we get along, he's a good person, he's kind to me, and he's smart. I don't really see a need for much else. Well, he takes care of himself, too.
I think my mom... I think she just worries about me, but honestly I just wish she could be happy for me about this and then if it falls apart later, be sad with me. Literally everyone else I talk to is happy for me, even after I tell them what Grag is like (I feel so bad when people ask me if he's cute because... well, now I can say he's cute because he keeps doing all these fucking adorable things and just AUGH SO CUTE but as for the whole stereotypical-cute-boy thing, that's not really there for me), and the only person so far who's expressed such vehement disapproval is my mother. I can't even tell her that I think I can say we're dating now, because she'd protest it and it would just be depressing.

It's like, mother, you saw the guy I dated in high school, you saw how nerdy he was, how poorly he dressed, how not-stereotypical-cute-boy he was (I FEEL SO BAD SAYING THIS OMFG BUT PLS SAY YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN LIKE HOW IN BOOKS AND MOVIES THERE IS ALWAYS A CUTE GUY WHO IS ALSO SUPER NICE AND SMART AND YET IN REAL LIFE THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING COMPLEX AND BEAUTIFUL), and the only boy to like me before that also fits this category (although that was fifth grade and he wasn't very sweet, just awkward). I attract nerdy, sweet boys. That appears to be all. Probably a little because I'm a nerd myself. I don't attract the omfgsupercutewithperfecthair guys. I don't. And it's like you know what fine if that's how my life is going to be, that's really not that bad. It's not bad at all. It's not like I attract stupid asshole meanface boys, which would be far worse no matter how cute they were.

I just feel like saying "I care about what's on the inside" sounds way too corny and also way too not-humble like oh, look at me, look at how not-shallow I am. I am just as shallow as everyone else is- I mean, being physically attracted to people is important. But I think the thing is that physical attraction can grow out of just general attraction, but general attraction can't grow out of physical attraction alone, no matter how much 12-year-old-me may seem like a glaring counterexample. That wasn't general attraction. I don't know what that was. But trust me, it's way easier to become physically attracted to someone good (and I am using that term very vaguely here) than it is to someone bad. And I mean, everyone looks good when they dress up for something, so.... this should be a fun Christmas party.

I am just really hoping for dress shoes. You have no idea. What dress shoes. Do. To. My. Mind. (My sister earlier tonight said something funny along the lines of "well of course they do, everyone likes someone who dresses all fancy" or something- it was quite funny but I can't remember it now).

Oh god what if I actually suck at dancing OH NO.
No, no, I totally aced those dance units in gym in grades 9 and 10. I'll be fine... right? I mean obvi we won't be doing crazy country square dancing (which was so much fun tho actually) (I GOT TO DO THE ENTIRE GRADE 10 DANCE UNIT WITH NERD WHILE I WAS DATING HIM HOW DID WE HAVE SUCH GOOD LUCK OMFG) and it will probs be just as awkward as everyone else...

In case you couldn't tell by the length of this post, I'm a little nervous. And maybe just excited. Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. Hi Freckles. I know you are reading this, you little cupcake.