I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the ideal child, I hit it pretty close.
I know how vain that sounds, I get it. But I'm starting to think there's a great deal of evidence for it. When my parents made rules, I obeyed them, no matter how much my friends insisted it was unfair or wrong. There may have been times when I was tempted to rebel, in simple, tiny ways, but I never did. I was always too afraid.
Hearing the stories of other kids who grew up with strict parents is always interesting. Most of them are online, a few are real life, and all of them make me think that my parents weren't nearly that bad. I was allowed to have friends over if I wanted. When I got a car (and hey, I got a car), I was allowed to go places as long as I told my parents where I'd be going, who would be there, and when I'd be back, and gave them the address of where it was. Which I guess seems reasonable. I know they were just worried. It wasn't like they never allowed me to go out. Freckles and I got bothered about practicing piano a bunch, but we were never forced to practice, though my mom tried several reward techniques. After a certain age, we were allowed to monitor our own junk food intake- not that there was much in the house to begin with. We were allowed to have friends over and sleepovers and eventually, to walk to the corner store alone. When I became a teenager, my mom finally let me ride my bike further than just up and down the street in front of the house. When I graduated, my mom let me go to a grad party at the last minute, despite the fact that a month earlier she and my dad had barely let me out for a different one. I got a cell phone in high school. I had a very decent allowance. We were allowed to hang out at the mall unsupervised with friends. As I got older, they got much more lenient.
But then I think about how I'm so scared of life now. Being here, being away from home, has helped so much; I'm not afraid to get on the bus for an hour to go get my skates sharpened (that was a bad choice of location on my part). I'm not afraid to just walk down my own street and window shop. I'm not afraid to be out when I please. But I'm still afraid. More so of big adult things, like getting a credit card on my own, or spending large amounts of money, or making my own travel plans, but still.
I'm not really sure if that comes from me or my parents. On the one hand, big adult things are scary for a lot of people, even those who had really lenient parents. Some people just don't like to go out and explore much, that's just how they are. On the other hand, I do know people who just... for them, trying new things or giving themselves permission to do something they love or even just find something they love- it's easier for them. I can tell.
I just wonder- because there were so many things I wasn't allowed to do because my parents were concerned, am I forever destined to be the annoying person who worries about everything? "Let's go out drinking! Swegan, do you want to come?" Sure, but I don't want to drink, and how are you guys getting home? Does anyone need a ride? Okay, but no puking in my car. Where is this place? Are you sure that part of town is safe? "Just order something new, like I'm ordering this drink and I've never had it before." Yeah, but what if I hate it? Then I've spent money on something I don't even like. And it's wasted on me. It just goes down the drain, or in the trash. "In order to participate in this, you're gonna need to have [things I do not currently own]." Okay, but I don't really know if I like this yet. Am I sure I want to buy all this stuff? What if I hate it? Then I've wasted a bunch of money and now I have crap I don't need and will never use taking up space. "So just sell it online." How? Don't you have to make an account somewhere? How do I meet up with people? How do I decide on a price? What if they're creepy? It's better just to not bother, then I don't have to worry at all. "Just get a credit card." Okay, but I look really young and naive. How am I supposed to know if the bank is pulling a fast one over me? How do I know if I'm getting a shitty deal that will end up costing me money? And how do I pay that off? Isn't it time consuming? I'd have to go to the bank... I'll just do it later. "Skating hours are Sunday from 3-4:45." Okay, but those hours are prime homework time for me. I really want to skate, but... school's gotta come first. I'll see how it looks next Sunday... ooh, but wait, I won't be here. Well, maybe the Sunday after? (Then I consequently forget). "Come hang out." But I have all this stuff I want to get done so I'm not up working until 11. I need to get enough sleep. If I don't, I get dizzy and grumpy and it's no fun at all. Plus I want to make sure I study adequately for this exam. I have to get these things done. I have to get SOMETHING done, I haven't done anything all day.
Do you see what I mean? I never let myself do anything. And it sounds a bit like my worries are overwhelming the way I've phrased it, but they're really not. This is just how I think. This is how I operate. Unless I can completely justify doing something 100%, unless I'm completely (or reasonably) sure it's a good idea, unless I'm totally convinced there's really no chance of it messing my life up or ME messing my life up, I just won't do it. And sometimes it doesn't really matter, like when I order my favourite thing at a restaurant all the time, but other times it does, like when I can't get a credit card and thus still haven't built up any credit at all.
Sometimes I think it helps to think of all the things I just do now that my parents are none the wiser about. They don't know my study habits, or my eating habits. They don't know that sometimes I leave my building at 10:30 and walk down the dark alley to Safeway. They don't know that sometimes I go for walks in the river valley and get lost. They don't know that I rode the bus into the north end of town for an hour, maybe into a questionable area, just to get my skates sharpened. They... well, okay, they know I took the bus home from the airport instead of just calling a cab. I just... I know these are stupid, tiny little things. I do. But to be able to live my life, at least in part, like it's really mine, like I get to decide how I spend my time, is incredibly freeing. Which is what makes me think my upbringing was "strict" in any way at all.
I know I'm still a stick in the mud, despite the fact that I know people don't hate me. People like me, but they also find me amusing. I worry about everything. Constantly. I can't stop it. I don't really want to. I didn't spend my teenage years running about, doing what I wanted to. I spent a lot of them at home, in my room, doing homework (there's the other thing- I was and remain a very boringly good student. In science, no less).
This may explain why I found it so wonderful when I was finally allowed to drive myself to school, even though I was still late. For some reason, being late when it was my fault didn't give me nearly as much anxiety as when I was late and exactly who was at fault was less clear. Because driving myself to school allowed me, in some small way, to control my own life. Not to mention I got home a hell of a lot earlier, and my parents didn't have to deal with having to come pick me up.
I'm still not good at this. I think maybe it's just that a lot of other people I know had to grow up much sooner than I did. I was given the luxury of remaining a child when I was still a child. Now I have to grow up, and when it seems like everyone around me is just unafraid to do simple things because they want to do them, I feel very, very lame. Sometimes it feels like I'll never catch up, like I'll forever be a step behind my friends as we progress into our adult lives. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only so intensely self-aware of this because I'm growing up now, rather than at 11 or 13 or 16.
The other thing that I know to be true is that one day I won't have my parents to lean upon. I won't have them around to tell me what to do, even when I want them to tell me. I've gotta have my shit figured out by then if I have any hope of coping.
As for my parents being strict... the issue is best summarized by explaining the facebook rule: I wasn't allowed to make an account until they said so. This is a weird rule; it's pretty hard to enforce (and was considering neither of my parents were on facebook at the time) or police, and yet I never even thought about going against it. And I didn't. Perhaps this says something about my parents' ability to trust me (and I am glad now that I wasn't permitted access to something that permanent when I was 13, oh my god), but I also think it says a lot about me. Or the time my parents forced me to write all my grade 10 exams, even though I was exempt due to my grades (they argued that there weren't going to be exemptions later and I should learn how to study now). Everyone (including my teachers) thought that was insanely unfair, and asked why I didn't just... not do it. And I could have, too; my mom never followed me into the school when she dropped me off. I could have just sat in the hallways or a bathroom for a long enough time that it would make it seem like I had finished the test, and called them to pick me up, and lied through my teeth. "How was the exam?" "Fine." But no, I went and wrote them all anyway.
Long story short: I don't have an ounce of rebellion in me, at least not when it comes to my parents, and I still don't know if that's because of me or them.
yer pal,
swegan
Showing posts with label economic confusion in the land of me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label economic confusion in the land of me. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Monday, September 29, 2014
Failsafe
I was talking to Ptarckas about this today after I got a B+ on a presentation/essay (I'm not sure if it was for both or for one, but either way it's pretty good) and I started thinking about what GPA that B+ will convert to, and I think it's around 3.
To begin, there are a few things I think I could do with this degree I'm pursuing
1) Go into a professional program (medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, education, nursing, etc)
2) Go to graduate school
3) Attempt to get work experience so that I can get a job later (via internship program at my uni)
This is really all I can see coming out of a BSc in biology. I don't know what the fuck else to do with it. Professional, research, or some kind of career... which I would probably need at least a graduate degree to go farther in. I don't think there's actually much I can do with my degree on its own, it's more of a building block.
The problem, per se, is that I need it to be a good building block. I know that to get into grad school, I need a GPA of at least 3.0 for my last 60 credits or something and then probably letters of reference and stuff. For professional programs, I'm of the impression that I need good grades, volunteering hours, and work/research experience. Which is a lot to balance at once. For work experience, I need to have a good resume and then good interview skills and obviously, an employer willing to hire me. My position as a general student doesn't help that, unfortunately, but I can't even apply to that until next year so if I find something I want to specialize in in the meantime, I guess I can do that.
Today was just a bunch of worrying what if based on that B+. What if my grades aren't good enough to get into grad school? What if I can't get an internship? What if I can't get into a professional program (should I choose to go that route)? It just worries me that I could theoretically fail at all of these options. I could theoretically not go anywhere with my life.
I mean, this is a narrow and limited view, probably because I'm young and inexperienced. But it seems to me that I don't have something I can fall back on- some kind of career or experience or SOMETHING that it would be really, really hard for me to fail at.
That's how I got through IB for a large part- I knew that I'd already been accepted to a university and that even if I bombed all my IB exams, I'd still go to university. It really took the pressure off, although I still put pressure on myself to do well, study hard, etc. And I did pretty well on my exams in the end.
I just feel like now I have to put so much pressure on myself, and I have to be competitive, too. Sometimes it feels like I'm battling hundreds or thousands of other people for the same positions and jobs, that there are a whole bunch of other people in my field who want the same things I do and who are willing to work harder than me to get them.
Every time I don't do all the extra practice questions, I feel like shit about myself. Like with biology this semester, there are peer assisted learning sessions every week I can go to, but I never really feel like I need to. So far I feel like I understand everything, that I have a good grasp on all the material, I just need to review it because we learned some of it weeks ago already and I need it to be fresher. But it all makes sense to me (and labs have helped). So to me, going to these PAL sessions would be a waste of time. I already understand things, I'll go to a session when I don't understand something. But when I don't go, I constantly feel like going would have helped anyway, but I don't want to bother to put in the effort (the only one I can attend cuts into my lunch on Wednesdays).
I guess I'm just worried that I won't ever get anywhere. Especially because I'm lazy today, I don't feel like doing anything at all, and yet I have a midterm on Wednesday and a paper to organize and a lab tomorrow and I just don't want to do any of it.
Hopefully over thanksgiving I can get a bit of a break. That way I also don't have to pack heavy textbooks in my suitcase for the trip home...
And I mean, realistically, I know that things will work out somehow. Some way, somehow. As long as I keep trying and don't give up, I'll find a career I enjoy, and maybe it will be many careers, but I'll be okay. Besides, like I said, I'm young and inexperienced, so I should probably take myself with a grain of salt right now.
yer pal,
swegan
To begin, there are a few things I think I could do with this degree I'm pursuing
1) Go into a professional program (medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, education, nursing, etc)
2) Go to graduate school
3) Attempt to get work experience so that I can get a job later (via internship program at my uni)
This is really all I can see coming out of a BSc in biology. I don't know what the fuck else to do with it. Professional, research, or some kind of career... which I would probably need at least a graduate degree to go farther in. I don't think there's actually much I can do with my degree on its own, it's more of a building block.
The problem, per se, is that I need it to be a good building block. I know that to get into grad school, I need a GPA of at least 3.0 for my last 60 credits or something and then probably letters of reference and stuff. For professional programs, I'm of the impression that I need good grades, volunteering hours, and work/research experience. Which is a lot to balance at once. For work experience, I need to have a good resume and then good interview skills and obviously, an employer willing to hire me. My position as a general student doesn't help that, unfortunately, but I can't even apply to that until next year so if I find something I want to specialize in in the meantime, I guess I can do that.
Today was just a bunch of worrying what if based on that B+. What if my grades aren't good enough to get into grad school? What if I can't get an internship? What if I can't get into a professional program (should I choose to go that route)? It just worries me that I could theoretically fail at all of these options. I could theoretically not go anywhere with my life.
I mean, this is a narrow and limited view, probably because I'm young and inexperienced. But it seems to me that I don't have something I can fall back on- some kind of career or experience or SOMETHING that it would be really, really hard for me to fail at.
That's how I got through IB for a large part- I knew that I'd already been accepted to a university and that even if I bombed all my IB exams, I'd still go to university. It really took the pressure off, although I still put pressure on myself to do well, study hard, etc. And I did pretty well on my exams in the end.
I just feel like now I have to put so much pressure on myself, and I have to be competitive, too. Sometimes it feels like I'm battling hundreds or thousands of other people for the same positions and jobs, that there are a whole bunch of other people in my field who want the same things I do and who are willing to work harder than me to get them.
Every time I don't do all the extra practice questions, I feel like shit about myself. Like with biology this semester, there are peer assisted learning sessions every week I can go to, but I never really feel like I need to. So far I feel like I understand everything, that I have a good grasp on all the material, I just need to review it because we learned some of it weeks ago already and I need it to be fresher. But it all makes sense to me (and labs have helped). So to me, going to these PAL sessions would be a waste of time. I already understand things, I'll go to a session when I don't understand something. But when I don't go, I constantly feel like going would have helped anyway, but I don't want to bother to put in the effort (the only one I can attend cuts into my lunch on Wednesdays).
I guess I'm just worried that I won't ever get anywhere. Especially because I'm lazy today, I don't feel like doing anything at all, and yet I have a midterm on Wednesday and a paper to organize and a lab tomorrow and I just don't want to do any of it.
Hopefully over thanksgiving I can get a bit of a break. That way I also don't have to pack heavy textbooks in my suitcase for the trip home...
And I mean, realistically, I know that things will work out somehow. Some way, somehow. As long as I keep trying and don't give up, I'll find a career I enjoy, and maybe it will be many careers, but I'll be okay. Besides, like I said, I'm young and inexperienced, so I should probably take myself with a grain of salt right now.
yer pal,
swegan
Monday, September 15, 2014
The Pay Gap
What really bugs me is when people say "no it's not that women are paid less, women just choose to go into lower paying careers."
Okay, fine. Why do women choose that?
In a society that didn't influence people to choose a career based on their gender, you'd expect to see about equal numbers of men and women in high and low paying fields. And that would probably even out the pay gap a little bit. But you don't see that. And don't you dare tell me it's just "biology"- the existence of some men and some women in low and high paying positions, respectively, tells me that people are perfectly capable of performing either kind of work, regardless of their gender or sex.
So maybe women do get paid the same as their male counterparts, when you look at it individually. I can't know that for sure. But what I'm sure anyone can see is that engineering is still "a guy thing" while you see women majoring in arts classes all the time (not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that based on my life experience, arts graduates make less than engineering graduates), and while female enrollment is increasing for medical school, you still don't see a lot of women in really technical fields like physics, computing, or math. Why is that? It's obviously not because women aren't smart enough, and if you try to tell me THAT, I will kick you in the shin. No. There's got to be some underlying reason why the numbers of men and women in fields like physics aren't equal.
And furthermore, if the numbers of men and women in those fields are equal, why aren't we talking about it?
I just find it hard to believe that the pay gap is solved by "people of different genders choose different career paths." That certain explains why the overall average for women might be lower than the overall average for men, but then you have to go deeper: why is that a fact?
I realize this post is limited because when I talk about high and low paying fields I am thinking in terms of university degrees. This is the environment I was raised in and it's extremely limited and obviously just one piece of a much larger puzzle. But it's all that I know, so it's all I feel I can contribute to the discussion. To talk of career paths that don't involve this would involve a lot of research for me which I currently don't have the time to do, since I'm lucky enough to be pursuing my own university education.
yer pal,
swegan
Okay, fine. Why do women choose that?
In a society that didn't influence people to choose a career based on their gender, you'd expect to see about equal numbers of men and women in high and low paying fields. And that would probably even out the pay gap a little bit. But you don't see that. And don't you dare tell me it's just "biology"- the existence of some men and some women in low and high paying positions, respectively, tells me that people are perfectly capable of performing either kind of work, regardless of their gender or sex.
So maybe women do get paid the same as their male counterparts, when you look at it individually. I can't know that for sure. But what I'm sure anyone can see is that engineering is still "a guy thing" while you see women majoring in arts classes all the time (not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that based on my life experience, arts graduates make less than engineering graduates), and while female enrollment is increasing for medical school, you still don't see a lot of women in really technical fields like physics, computing, or math. Why is that? It's obviously not because women aren't smart enough, and if you try to tell me THAT, I will kick you in the shin. No. There's got to be some underlying reason why the numbers of men and women in fields like physics aren't equal.
And furthermore, if the numbers of men and women in those fields are equal, why aren't we talking about it?
I just find it hard to believe that the pay gap is solved by "people of different genders choose different career paths." That certain explains why the overall average for women might be lower than the overall average for men, but then you have to go deeper: why is that a fact?
I realize this post is limited because when I talk about high and low paying fields I am thinking in terms of university degrees. This is the environment I was raised in and it's extremely limited and obviously just one piece of a much larger puzzle. But it's all that I know, so it's all I feel I can contribute to the discussion. To talk of career paths that don't involve this would involve a lot of research for me which I currently don't have the time to do, since I'm lucky enough to be pursuing my own university education.
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, December 7, 2013
On my parents
Becoming an adult is weird.
I was definitely one of those teenagers who trusted my parents quite a bit. I sought out advice from them frequently, and often followed unwanted advice because I knew it was the right thing to do (although it pissed me off that I couldn't just figure things out for myself a lot of the time). I'm still quite close to them, and we get along very well, but I have this trouble with thinking of them as being wrong about anything. My parents are both very intelligent, and I find it incredibly difficult to argue with them, especially since they agree on a lot of things and back each other up.
The issue of "do what you love" vs. "do what will get you a career" is an interesting one, as it is for everyone. On one hand, I think my parents have a point emphasizing that my life will have much less stress in it if I have a secure career or employment of some sort, but I think that's the whole reason why they pushed me away from the arts, that's the whole reason why when I was 6 they violently shattered the dream I had of being an artist. At the time I had thought that people just picked whatever job they wanted and grew up to do that and they would be okay and have enough money, and my mom's saying "Well sure, you can be an artist... if you want to starve" really stopped that train in its tracks. And I feel like my entire life, it's been that way- no matter what career I've picked, they've found a way to find its worst aspect and play that up to me. It's not just me, either- my sister has probably had it worse than me, because I eventually took an interest in science.
And I don't regret that. Science is interesting, science is fascinating, science is what I want to work in. But at the same time I hate the idea that it pleases them, these parents who want me to succeed so badly that they've chased all the other dreams away, whether it was the dream of being an artist at 6 or a writer at 12, or even a researcher at 17. And all the time when people ask why I'm studying biology, career always comes up. I was discussing it with the PM for EPASS, and he stopped me and said "yeah, but are you studying biology because you love it or because you can get a job in it?" and I stopped and thought and said I was hoping that I could find a balance there- something I loved that was reasonable and would probably result in some career stability.
The other thing is that my parents are giving me a lot of financial support- without them, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. They've always thought that it's important to support me (and my siblings) as we get an education, so that we can (and I indirectly quote), "get a good job and do the same for our kids." Which is a nice sentiment. But at the same time it makes me feel like I have to get a good job in order to qualify for that financial support, and that's stressful. It would be nice, yes, to be able to do university on my own terms, but now I feel like I'm not allowed to drop a class or fail anything, since I'm not the one footing the bill. Going to university for five years costs more money, so I'd sure as hell better graduate in four or head into med school or something along those lines. And I just hate that. I feel like prioritizing school is important, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I can't prioritize anything else. It also makes me feel pretty useless. I'm horrendously bad at finding volunteering opportunities, which makes me miss being a part of NHS last year, and I know volunteering gives such a good sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're actually doing something and I miss it so much but volunteer opportunities just intimidate me. It was hard enough to go to the nursing home and do things.
I think I might need to accept the fact that I might be introverted, just a little bit. It wouldn't be surprising, now that I think about it- there's lots of introverts in my family. My dad is like that, he's quiet and doesn't talk much, but he has a circle of people he really cares about and cares for. My sister is painfully shy and has close friends who she talks with about anything (I feel privileged to be one of those friends, although it's not that surprising since I've known her all her life). I have an uncle whom I've only seen about three times in my life, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I get the feeling he's just not a very social person.
My mom, though, has always pushed it on me that I need to spend time with my friends, that I need to call them to have three hour phone conversations, because otherwise they wouldn't feel like I loved them or appreciated them. And for her it was so easy to call up friends and chat; for me, using the phone has only recently become not horribly terrifying. It used to make me cry, the idea of trying to call up friends. I prefer electronic communication, but my mother has always insisted that it's not good enough, it's not instant enough, you'll never get an answer unless you just call them, honey. But I don't want to, calling is so intrusive, it demands your attention NOW, whereas a text can wait there until you are ready to respond. Besides, I used to be ridiculously terrified of dialing a wrong number.
I am just now thinking maybe there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out on weekends, with only wanting to spend time with select people, with wanting to spend time with myself. Maybe I am introverted and maybe I like being alone and maybe there's actually nothing wrong with that when I've been lead to believe my whole life that that's abnormal and weird, what weird people do, and I'll never be successful and happy if I don't do that.
Maybe it's okay that I like to spend a lot of time with myself. Maybe it's okay to find comfort in that. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and it's not like I want to excommunicate myself completely. I will reach a point at which I need social contact, and that is why I have my circle of friends.
It's just very liberating to be able to think, no, my parents aren't always right, and not have them here to contradict it. For so long I have been stiflingly close to them and not allowed to make a lot of my own decisions about my own life. However, now that I think about it, isn't the money in my RESP my money? As in, if I want to take five years to go to school instead of the traditional four so that I can have more time for volunteering or just feeling less stressed, I can do that? I'm starting to think it might be nice even to just have that option. My classes next semester all sound so terribly difficult- chemistry (now it's harder), math (also harder), biology (this one's okay), women's and gender studies (the essays in here might kill me), and astrophysics (I am now severely worried about the physics part). Although.... didn't I think last semester that philosophy might be a big pile of awful and hard? Philosophy turned out to be very interesting and even though I have been saying for the past couple of weeks that I might not take any more, that might be a lie... I might take more philosophy. Fuck, I need arts credits, and not a lot of arts courses interest me. Maybe one of these classes will be too hard, but I did just have an epiphany.
I thought, you know what, if I need to drop a class and I've carefully considered all the factors and come to the conclusion that it's the right decision, it is my life and my choice to make, after all. And if it turns out to be a mistake, then so what? Aren't I supposed to make mistakes? Am I not supposed to try things and make my own path, or something like that? This is my life, not my parents', and while I greatly appreciate their support, I can't let it be control.
Part of this involves my relationship as well. It is not up to my parents to tell me what I am and am not ready for, it is up to me and me alone. They are not the ones dating this boy, I am, and even though it's weird for me to think of myself as a grownup, I am a grownup now. I think I am doing just fine so far. And if they do pull out the financial support rug, well, I've got some savings, I'll figure something out. But my parents still care about me, and in the end, I should seriously figure out if Registered Education Savings Plans are actually money that now belongs to me to use towards my education or if that's still my parents' money.
I think I also need some sleep. I still have a lot of studying to do. On my own terms, of course, which means sleeping in past breakfast (although today's Saturday, so brunch is on for the weekend, yessssss) again and then wasting time until lunch (or brunch b/c WEEKEND), and then working all afternoon.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I was definitely one of those teenagers who trusted my parents quite a bit. I sought out advice from them frequently, and often followed unwanted advice because I knew it was the right thing to do (although it pissed me off that I couldn't just figure things out for myself a lot of the time). I'm still quite close to them, and we get along very well, but I have this trouble with thinking of them as being wrong about anything. My parents are both very intelligent, and I find it incredibly difficult to argue with them, especially since they agree on a lot of things and back each other up.
The issue of "do what you love" vs. "do what will get you a career" is an interesting one, as it is for everyone. On one hand, I think my parents have a point emphasizing that my life will have much less stress in it if I have a secure career or employment of some sort, but I think that's the whole reason why they pushed me away from the arts, that's the whole reason why when I was 6 they violently shattered the dream I had of being an artist. At the time I had thought that people just picked whatever job they wanted and grew up to do that and they would be okay and have enough money, and my mom's saying "Well sure, you can be an artist... if you want to starve" really stopped that train in its tracks. And I feel like my entire life, it's been that way- no matter what career I've picked, they've found a way to find its worst aspect and play that up to me. It's not just me, either- my sister has probably had it worse than me, because I eventually took an interest in science.
And I don't regret that. Science is interesting, science is fascinating, science is what I want to work in. But at the same time I hate the idea that it pleases them, these parents who want me to succeed so badly that they've chased all the other dreams away, whether it was the dream of being an artist at 6 or a writer at 12, or even a researcher at 17. And all the time when people ask why I'm studying biology, career always comes up. I was discussing it with the PM for EPASS, and he stopped me and said "yeah, but are you studying biology because you love it or because you can get a job in it?" and I stopped and thought and said I was hoping that I could find a balance there- something I loved that was reasonable and would probably result in some career stability.
The other thing is that my parents are giving me a lot of financial support- without them, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. They've always thought that it's important to support me (and my siblings) as we get an education, so that we can (and I indirectly quote), "get a good job and do the same for our kids." Which is a nice sentiment. But at the same time it makes me feel like I have to get a good job in order to qualify for that financial support, and that's stressful. It would be nice, yes, to be able to do university on my own terms, but now I feel like I'm not allowed to drop a class or fail anything, since I'm not the one footing the bill. Going to university for five years costs more money, so I'd sure as hell better graduate in four or head into med school or something along those lines. And I just hate that. I feel like prioritizing school is important, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I can't prioritize anything else. It also makes me feel pretty useless. I'm horrendously bad at finding volunteering opportunities, which makes me miss being a part of NHS last year, and I know volunteering gives such a good sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're actually doing something and I miss it so much but volunteer opportunities just intimidate me. It was hard enough to go to the nursing home and do things.
I think I might need to accept the fact that I might be introverted, just a little bit. It wouldn't be surprising, now that I think about it- there's lots of introverts in my family. My dad is like that, he's quiet and doesn't talk much, but he has a circle of people he really cares about and cares for. My sister is painfully shy and has close friends who she talks with about anything (I feel privileged to be one of those friends, although it's not that surprising since I've known her all her life). I have an uncle whom I've only seen about three times in my life, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I get the feeling he's just not a very social person.
My mom, though, has always pushed it on me that I need to spend time with my friends, that I need to call them to have three hour phone conversations, because otherwise they wouldn't feel like I loved them or appreciated them. And for her it was so easy to call up friends and chat; for me, using the phone has only recently become not horribly terrifying. It used to make me cry, the idea of trying to call up friends. I prefer electronic communication, but my mother has always insisted that it's not good enough, it's not instant enough, you'll never get an answer unless you just call them, honey. But I don't want to, calling is so intrusive, it demands your attention NOW, whereas a text can wait there until you are ready to respond. Besides, I used to be ridiculously terrified of dialing a wrong number.
I am just now thinking maybe there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out on weekends, with only wanting to spend time with select people, with wanting to spend time with myself. Maybe I am introverted and maybe I like being alone and maybe there's actually nothing wrong with that when I've been lead to believe my whole life that that's abnormal and weird, what weird people do, and I'll never be successful and happy if I don't do that.
Maybe it's okay that I like to spend a lot of time with myself. Maybe it's okay to find comfort in that. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and it's not like I want to excommunicate myself completely. I will reach a point at which I need social contact, and that is why I have my circle of friends.
It's just very liberating to be able to think, no, my parents aren't always right, and not have them here to contradict it. For so long I have been stiflingly close to them and not allowed to make a lot of my own decisions about my own life. However, now that I think about it, isn't the money in my RESP my money? As in, if I want to take five years to go to school instead of the traditional four so that I can have more time for volunteering or just feeling less stressed, I can do that? I'm starting to think it might be nice even to just have that option. My classes next semester all sound so terribly difficult- chemistry (now it's harder), math (also harder), biology (this one's okay), women's and gender studies (the essays in here might kill me), and astrophysics (I am now severely worried about the physics part). Although.... didn't I think last semester that philosophy might be a big pile of awful and hard? Philosophy turned out to be very interesting and even though I have been saying for the past couple of weeks that I might not take any more, that might be a lie... I might take more philosophy. Fuck, I need arts credits, and not a lot of arts courses interest me. Maybe one of these classes will be too hard, but I did just have an epiphany.
I thought, you know what, if I need to drop a class and I've carefully considered all the factors and come to the conclusion that it's the right decision, it is my life and my choice to make, after all. And if it turns out to be a mistake, then so what? Aren't I supposed to make mistakes? Am I not supposed to try things and make my own path, or something like that? This is my life, not my parents', and while I greatly appreciate their support, I can't let it be control.
Part of this involves my relationship as well. It is not up to my parents to tell me what I am and am not ready for, it is up to me and me alone. They are not the ones dating this boy, I am, and even though it's weird for me to think of myself as a grownup, I am a grownup now. I think I am doing just fine so far. And if they do pull out the financial support rug, well, I've got some savings, I'll figure something out. But my parents still care about me, and in the end, I should seriously figure out if Registered Education Savings Plans are actually money that now belongs to me to use towards my education or if that's still my parents' money.
I think I also need some sleep. I still have a lot of studying to do. On my own terms, of course, which means sleeping in past breakfast (although today's Saturday, so brunch is on for the weekend, yessssss) again and then wasting time until lunch (or brunch b/c WEEKEND), and then working all afternoon.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING
So there's this link that was shared on my facebook page by the "Because I am a Girl Canada" page that I follow. It's an article in The Atlantic about some yahoo being invited to speak in "public" schools in the South of the US. It's all about "how to be dateable", and of course it enforces ridiculously sexist stereotypes (about both genders, might I add) that are just complete and total bullshit. The article (which is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/11/christian-speaker-tells-public-school-students-how-to-be-dateable/281488/) mentions that he has a site, so just for shits and giggles, I found it, and there was a "R U DATEABLE" quiz at the bottom so I thought hey, what the hell.
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!
Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.
I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
The questions were completely ridiculous and random, but I answered them honestly as best I could, and my result was "U R DATELESS" and I just started laughing, so fucking hard. Yes, I am dateless that's totally why I went over to my boyfriend's house last night and ate dinner with his family and had some of his delicious brownies (the boy can bake. THE BOY. CAN BAKE. BROWNIES AND CHEESECAKE. OMFG), and then ended up kissing him later after we had watched a movie together and been all snuggly. Totally dateless, mhm. That's definitely what I got out of yesterday evening, nothing along the lines of "oh, this guy actually really likes me and wants to make me happy."
Also my internal response to learning he can bake may or may not have been "MARRY ME RIGHT NOW OMFG" and his mother and uncle just kept raving about his cheesecake, "Oh, Grag makes such good cheesecake" they said, "and really good brownies" they also said, and they weren't kidding about the brownies.Also they may have indirectly invited me over again, so yay, I made a good impression! Although he does have four cats, so I had to take a claritin, and that made me really jumpy and restless and drowsy (even though it said non-drowsy on the package, what lies), and that kind of... I would say "killed the mood" but I'm not sure if there was one. I mentioned that we'd have to try another movie night without the claritin, which might be possible, so yay!
Anyway, the whole point of this post was just to tell you guys about both the stupidity of that site and its speaker (HE HAS A MYSPACE PAGE. DUDE. ALL CREDIBILITY LOST), while at the same time telling you about my date. Oh, and letting you know, in case you didn't already guess, that the advice he gives is absolute and total BS. "Men keep women covered up"??? How about women decide themselves what they wear and you can butt out, asshole. Plus, the quiz called me dateless, which is an absolute and blatant lie, so in case you couldn't tell, the quiz is BS, too.
I suppose I should get work done today, though. I have an English paper to write, math to do, chem lab exam to study for... (which may eclipse the importance of math, not gonna lie). Also another EPASS meeting, and also I am supposed to help their crowdfunding campaign which means asking people for money which I always feel really awkward about, ugh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Friday, October 18, 2013
Boys pls
I think Grag likes me. Although I'm not sure if that's in the sense of "I actually really like being friends with you and enjoy our conversations because you are a nice person" or in the sense of "omg, but do you like-like them?" and just. Thursday was weird, okay? He sang me some sneaking song from Pirates of Penzance (or maybe he was just singing it, idk) that's written in fortissississimo or something ridiculous like that, and he sang this out loud. On the sidewalk. On a busy street. IN HIS FRICKIN' SWEATPANTS. I dunno about you guys but that takes guts. Even just wearing those sweatpants. Oh my god, seriously dude, buy real pants.
And then today I went into the humanities library to look for some books for my English Library assignment, and when I found two of the four I was looking for I sat down at a study carrel and I looked up at one point and this guy was walking by and saw me looking up and stopped, and blew me a kiss, and when I frowned at him (because I couldn't be like "what the hell man" because it was a silent study floor), he just shrugged like "life is short, idk, I just felt like it" and then walked away. It was very very weird. It was a creepy kiss, too, like one half expected him to waggle his eyebrows and start speaking soft Spanish. I just. Why. Why did that happen. I'm so confused. Vince suggested that he was wheeling me, but honestly this happened in like the space of three seconds and I'm firmly convinced he did it for kicks. Just because he could. Or perhaps he was dared to blow a kiss at someone. EITHER WAY IT WAS WEIRD OKAY.
NO NOW THAT STUPID SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS AUGHAUOHSOUTNSODLKTHSOAU. Seriously though that guy is weird. Before the exam he said he had a song stuck in his head and I was like "oh that's too bad" and he was like "yeah and it's a dark and scary song" and I was like "okay" and he was like "about ponies" and I was like "okay I'm telling people you said that." You don't often meet people who listen to dark and scary songs about ponies. He tried to sing that later, too, to which I covered my ears like a five year old and said "NO I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA"
Also Orchid has mysteriously not been present at meals when I have. I've seen him like once since I got back from Thanksgiving. Like he's still way too adorable for his own good but it's like last year: it's really hard to have a crush on someone you never see. I suppose I can still appreciate his good-looking-ness, though. AND HE STILL ONLY SEEMS NICE ENOUGH. Like I know nothing about him. He told me more the night he was tipsy than he has at any other period of time.
AND THEN tonight the space-club-satellite-thing I joined is going to have a general assembly, followed by dinner out at some place and then laser tag. I'm debating not going to dinner because I have a meal already paid for downstairs that I could go eat right now, but... I dunno. Laser tag sounds like fun but everyone will hate me if I just sit around and don't eat while they're eating WHAT DO YOU GUYS HALP. Maybe I'll just eat now- I don't want to have to buy supper, as lame as that sounds... yeah that sounds really lame, wow- and then be like "oops I forgot can I just awkwardly tag along and not eat because I have eaten already I WANT TO PLAY LASER TAG." Although it's going to be hella late by the time we get back from all that... ungh. What to do, what to do.
I think I'll go. If everyone hates me for eating early, then they're lame butts because why pay for more food when I have already paid for this food that I should eat that is healthy etc. Also I'll be way too hungry to wait until 8, when the general assembly is done.
OKAY I NEED TO EAT NOW THOUGH TIME IS RUNNING OUT OOPS
yer pal,
swegan :S
And then today I went into the humanities library to look for some books for my English Library assignment, and when I found two of the four I was looking for I sat down at a study carrel and I looked up at one point and this guy was walking by and saw me looking up and stopped, and blew me a kiss, and when I frowned at him (because I couldn't be like "what the hell man" because it was a silent study floor), he just shrugged like "life is short, idk, I just felt like it" and then walked away. It was very very weird. It was a creepy kiss, too, like one half expected him to waggle his eyebrows and start speaking soft Spanish. I just. Why. Why did that happen. I'm so confused. Vince suggested that he was wheeling me, but honestly this happened in like the space of three seconds and I'm firmly convinced he did it for kicks. Just because he could. Or perhaps he was dared to blow a kiss at someone. EITHER WAY IT WAS WEIRD OKAY.
NO NOW THAT STUPID SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS AUGHAUOHSOUTNSODLKTHSOAU. Seriously though that guy is weird. Before the exam he said he had a song stuck in his head and I was like "oh that's too bad" and he was like "yeah and it's a dark and scary song" and I was like "okay" and he was like "about ponies" and I was like "okay I'm telling people you said that." You don't often meet people who listen to dark and scary songs about ponies. He tried to sing that later, too, to which I covered my ears like a five year old and said "NO I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA"
Also Orchid has mysteriously not been present at meals when I have. I've seen him like once since I got back from Thanksgiving. Like he's still way too adorable for his own good but it's like last year: it's really hard to have a crush on someone you never see. I suppose I can still appreciate his good-looking-ness, though. AND HE STILL ONLY SEEMS NICE ENOUGH. Like I know nothing about him. He told me more the night he was tipsy than he has at any other period of time.
AND THEN tonight the space-club-satellite-thing I joined is going to have a general assembly, followed by dinner out at some place and then laser tag. I'm debating not going to dinner because I have a meal already paid for downstairs that I could go eat right now, but... I dunno. Laser tag sounds like fun but everyone will hate me if I just sit around and don't eat while they're eating WHAT DO YOU GUYS HALP. Maybe I'll just eat now- I don't want to have to buy supper, as lame as that sounds... yeah that sounds really lame, wow- and then be like "oops I forgot can I just awkwardly tag along and not eat because I have eaten already I WANT TO PLAY LASER TAG." Although it's going to be hella late by the time we get back from all that... ungh. What to do, what to do.
I think I'll go. If everyone hates me for eating early, then they're lame butts because why pay for more food when I have already paid for this food that I should eat that is healthy etc. Also I'll be way too hungry to wait until 8, when the general assembly is done.
OKAY I NEED TO EAT NOW THOUGH TIME IS RUNNING OUT OOPS
yer pal,
swegan :S
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
TEXTBOOKS PLS
I had to lug home my new chem and math textbooks (plus the answer keys that came with them, plus this big honking "extra practice test questions" thing that came with the math book) and my bio lab manual in this stupid brutal heat. I suppose it's kind of better than the stupid brutal cold, but... I'm tired. My lunch was a granola bar and an apple. University looks like IB all over again. I HAVE 5000 THINGS TO DO AGAIN. Not to mention I waited in line for half an hour holding those books at the bookstore. These things are never going to see campus again. Their new home is this room and the only light of day they'll ever see comes through the window. It's way too much work to carry them everywhere, jesus fucking christ. Also holy shit textbooks literally cost an arm and a leg and possibly also any extra energy you might have. Thank god my parents are helping me out with that AND thank god I got the Rutherford Scholarship. AND AND AND thank goodness I know where all my classes are! I had to book it to chem from bio but I got a seat in the front row- my kind of place as a short person.
Math was alright- there was this annoying kid two seats over who kept talking out the answers to himself and here I was trying to figure them out in my head as the prof went along and he kept messing up my train of thought. The girl next to me was friendly- thankfully she had the idea of getting phone numbers and emails from the people around her in case they missed a class (she's a third year, but her first year here, so she clearly knows what she's doing), so I stuck with that idea for the rest of the day. The girl next to me in bio seemed really friendly and she's the same major as me, and then the girl next to me in chem seemed a little more wary of the idea, as did I after our prof explained that our lecture notes would be available in some electronic fashion. I can't even remember. SO MUCH INFORMATION; MY HEAD HURTS.
I should probably start organizing myself, though. I nearly fell asleep reading my chem textbook half an hour ago- the first four chapters literally are just chem 30 again, which is just GREAT BECAUSE I DID SO FUCKING WELL IN THAT CLASS (in case you can't tell, that was dripping with sarcasm) (seriously I did better in calc than I did in chem). I do feel sorry for my roommate, though... she's doing some other kind of science program and she has to do some four-hour calc thing tonight, not to mention she gets a lot of assignments and someone told her it was basically like IB. When she said that, I felt EXTREMELY sorry for her. I'm glad I did IB, but you could not pay me enough money to go back and do it again. No way in hell.
yer pal,
swegan :( sad face b/c I am tired and hungry and will probably be working all the time... again.
Math was alright- there was this annoying kid two seats over who kept talking out the answers to himself and here I was trying to figure them out in my head as the prof went along and he kept messing up my train of thought. The girl next to me was friendly- thankfully she had the idea of getting phone numbers and emails from the people around her in case they missed a class (she's a third year, but her first year here, so she clearly knows what she's doing), so I stuck with that idea for the rest of the day. The girl next to me in bio seemed really friendly and she's the same major as me, and then the girl next to me in chem seemed a little more wary of the idea, as did I after our prof explained that our lecture notes would be available in some electronic fashion. I can't even remember. SO MUCH INFORMATION; MY HEAD HURTS.
I should probably start organizing myself, though. I nearly fell asleep reading my chem textbook half an hour ago- the first four chapters literally are just chem 30 again, which is just GREAT BECAUSE I DID SO FUCKING WELL IN THAT CLASS (in case you can't tell, that was dripping with sarcasm) (seriously I did better in calc than I did in chem). I do feel sorry for my roommate, though... she's doing some other kind of science program and she has to do some four-hour calc thing tonight, not to mention she gets a lot of assignments and someone told her it was basically like IB. When she said that, I felt EXTREMELY sorry for her. I'm glad I did IB, but you could not pay me enough money to go back and do it again. No way in hell.
yer pal,
swegan :( sad face b/c I am tired and hungry and will probably be working all the time... again.
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