My roommate from first year got into med school. I know about it because of facebook. And I am wildly, nonsensically jealous of her.
This doesn't make any sense, it's not like I've ever expressed a desire to get into med. It's not like I was trying at the same time she was and I didn't get it. It's not like anything. It doesn't make any sense. And the only reason I can think is that she is- and was- a Pretty Girl.
I think more than anything I still want to be one of them. I want to rewrite my past so I was tall and had boobs in the 8th grade, so I was athletic and popular and still smart, so I got all those awards for having the highest social studies grade and be a three or four star athlete. I want to change it so that I figured out makeup somehow and figured out clothes and came to my adult life looking like the girls who look put together every day.
There's not even an excuse for me anymore. I could do all those things, I know that. This isn't my old roommate's fault; she was always very hardworking and I'm sure that this was no exception. She deserves good things and I'm happy for her. She isn't a bad person. And I could be one of Those Girls too, if I wanted, I could let go of my inhibitions about everything in life and start wearing makeup and dressing myself nicely and fuck, I don't know, going out to drink?
I feel like maybe there's also a lot of pressure on me to want to go into med. My dad is a physician, and I'm doing lab work in a medical science lab, and I guess the other lab I was in was medical science too. I have good grades and a desire to help people and I'm interested in biology and health research. I still feel like I could do it... it I wanted to. Do I want to? I don't know. I do want to do a master's degree, or a Ph.D. I do want to work in science. I've considered a job outside of academia, in industry. I've considered programs to become a genetic counselor and a cytogenetic technologist. I don't really know what I want to do.
And med always looks so impressive- just like law or dentistry would too, I'd imagine. But med always seems to take the cake. Everyone has such high respect for doctors (rightfully so), everyone knows medical school is hard to get into and hard to complete and that a life of work as a doctor is challenging and demanding but also rewarding and part of that reward, I think, is being judged very positively in your community for your vocation. I can't lie and say none of that appeals to me. But I think I need to make a career choice based on the fact that I love the work I am doing and it feels important and rewarding to me. But it still feels like I'm always going to be ranked against my peers that went into med.
I have friends that want to get into med (and I have no doubt they will). Redbeard wants to get into med (and again, no doubt). These people are all smart and talented and hardworking- just like my first year roommate. Just like me, I hope. But I feel like no matter what I do, especially at this point in my life, it's never going to look as impressive. That people will judge them as smarter and more talented and harder working than me (and consequently all the other kids who don't do med or any professional program but instead do research or go into industry, or even teaching, which I guess counts as a professional program of sorts anyway). There's such prestige associated with getting into med, and that's what I want.
It feels stupid but it's human, and I know that. It's human to want to be praised and thought of as a good, smart kid- I want the things I do to reflect well on my parents, too, even though I know it's not my job to make them look good by having their offspring succeed. I know my dad would be happy that one of his kids followed in his footsteps. I know my parents would be able to help me since they're both involved in health careers.
I just... I think about medicine. I think about learning about the body and how it works, and that seems cool. I think about applying that to actual people, and... ick. I think about long days and charts and paperwork, and billings. I know my dad loves his job. I don't think I've ever heard of or met a doctor who didn't love theirs. I just don't know if it's for me and I feel like there's so much pressure on me to keep that option on the fence all the time.
Sometimes I wonder if arts degrees are appealing for that reason. Because maybe if I just got an English degree instead, everyone who knows what my dad does would shut up about asking me if I want to get into med. I know these people mean well, I'm not mad at them, they're certainly not trying to offend. But god, I'm so tired of getting asked and having to answer. They don't react one way or the other when I tell them maybe or just plain out "no, I don't think so." But I can never fully commit one way or the other and it feels like there is always some kind of silent pressure on me to swing towards yes, and I think it's because I'm in a field that's so close already. Do you know how many times in first year I heard biology majors say they wanted to go into med? It's like half the program here has their heart set on being doctors. It's insane.
I think the jealousy too is that like- the hardest part is over, and I think a lot of people would agree with me on that. In med, you have classmates and instructors who want you to stay in the program and will help you out. Once you finish, you can get a job anywhere you want, and it will pay well. You barely have to plan your life out anymore. And that- that- is what I think is most tempting. The security- not just financially, but like, in terms of thinking. I'm sitting here wondering, is it worthwhile to get my masters and then my PhD, or should I just get a PhD, but will that even be useful? Should I bother doing special training programs for biotech? I think I want to work in industry for a while because I like the idea of applying results more than just generating them, like in academia. But what if I take those courses and get in there and hate it? But in academia you have to be so much to the community, you have to teach and research and be involved... Like, if I was just in med, I could just say "all right, now I can just focus on the next two years of class. Then, I can just focus on the two years of"... fuck, is it residency? I don't know how med school works. Then the big decision is specializing, and getting through that training, and more residency, and then you have to start out and deal with hurdles like that but then you just... keep... working. And it feels like you get like built-in job security because we always need doctors. And if you're something special like a highly trained surgeon your job is high stress and high reward and you will always been in demand. Always. Whereas in industry... I'll be competing forever.
I've just had a really bad day, and everything sucks right now and I have one year of my degree left and I have NO IDEA what to do with my life. I know I should just concentrate on my classes and clubs and having a good final year and working hard and learning what I can from my research project. This year I was given opportunities to present which let me learn that I have some good presentation skills, even if they do need a little honing; with help, I was able to design really good, logical presentations and learned what should and shouldn't go into them and that you NEED TO MAKE GRAPH TEXT REALLY BIG and I actually had so much fun with that and felt so confident afterwards. I loved my research project. So maybe I am talented? Maybe? Maybe I'm good at writing too, even if that needs a little honing? I realized the other day when hearing that a program required 3 reference letters that I had at least 4 people I could ask who are all big fancy PhD people.
Maybe I'm doing something right after all??
I still wish lab jobs paid minimum wage, though.
-swegan
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Top of the list
I was considering all the things that happened to me in 2015, and thinking of the most significant ones. If I had to narrow it down to the top 3 most significant ones...
3. Co-authorship
This was something that happened working under a different supervisor in the same lab over the summer. My confidence in the lab also improved and I was awarded a stipend to work in that lab. It was a good summer professionally, I guess? Which sounds like a very adult thing to say.
2. Genetics Degree
There was a moment when I was making my course selection. It was physics, some WGS courses, some biology, and other random things. I remember crying because it looked awful to me, and I had no desire to complete whatever degree this was turning out to be. I'd taken an intro-to-genetics course in the biology department, which had led me to take an intro-to-genetics course in the genetics department (if these are things? I just know the first course was BIOL and the second was GENET), and I realized that despite my previous proclamation of hatred, I really like genetics. Having completed one semester, I have to say it's a hell of a lot easier to put in effort even in the hardest classes when I actually really like the subject material and want to be learning about it.
1. Falling in love
Putting this up here was contentious, but if my ex really wants as little to do with me as he claimed, I'm going to assume he's not reading this. But this is what really happened. I do think I'd loved people before, certainly cared for them a great deal, but I'd never really been in love. It's probably one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life, and the threat of loss is much closer than I'd like it to be. But I don't regret anything. Falling in love was like having a lot of pieces fall into place, and suddenly something I'd thought I'd understood for so long actually made sense, and I was sure. All those stupid songs, and especially all those stupid sayings- if you're in love, you'll know and if you're not sure, it's not really love especially- make a lot more sense now. I've found them to be extremely true. Provided things beyond my control fall in my favour, I have an incredibly good feeling about this. I know it won't be easy, and I don't expect it to be, but nothing has ever made me feel so... secure? Not safe, I've never been more terrified. Just like a puzzle piece of my life fits now. Something like that. It's a good thing, though, despite the underlying, ever-present fear (which in my case is exacerbated for other reasons beyond my control).
Overall, though, 2015 was very good to me. I'm hoping 2016 will be too, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope at the moment. This next semester is going to kick the shit out of me academically, not to mention ... to put it in nonspecific terms, the suddenly not-so-great health of someone very close to me. I'll pull through somehow, but it's not going to be a walk in the park.
Then again... How many times have I thought that before? Didn't I look at my winter semester last year and groan about biochemistry and ochem II and genetics 270? They were hard courses. And I did just fine. I have no reason to expect I can't handle the challenges this time around.
Here's to a good 2016. I wish you all the best, and hope your 2015s are now fond and happy memories (at least some parts of them, if not all)
yer pal,
swegan
3. Co-authorship
This was something that happened working under a different supervisor in the same lab over the summer. My confidence in the lab also improved and I was awarded a stipend to work in that lab. It was a good summer professionally, I guess? Which sounds like a very adult thing to say.
2. Genetics Degree
There was a moment when I was making my course selection. It was physics, some WGS courses, some biology, and other random things. I remember crying because it looked awful to me, and I had no desire to complete whatever degree this was turning out to be. I'd taken an intro-to-genetics course in the biology department, which had led me to take an intro-to-genetics course in the genetics department (if these are things? I just know the first course was BIOL and the second was GENET), and I realized that despite my previous proclamation of hatred, I really like genetics. Having completed one semester, I have to say it's a hell of a lot easier to put in effort even in the hardest classes when I actually really like the subject material and want to be learning about it.
1. Falling in love
Putting this up here was contentious, but if my ex really wants as little to do with me as he claimed, I'm going to assume he's not reading this. But this is what really happened. I do think I'd loved people before, certainly cared for them a great deal, but I'd never really been in love. It's probably one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life, and the threat of loss is much closer than I'd like it to be. But I don't regret anything. Falling in love was like having a lot of pieces fall into place, and suddenly something I'd thought I'd understood for so long actually made sense, and I was sure. All those stupid songs, and especially all those stupid sayings- if you're in love, you'll know and if you're not sure, it's not really love especially- make a lot more sense now. I've found them to be extremely true. Provided things beyond my control fall in my favour, I have an incredibly good feeling about this. I know it won't be easy, and I don't expect it to be, but nothing has ever made me feel so... secure? Not safe, I've never been more terrified. Just like a puzzle piece of my life fits now. Something like that. It's a good thing, though, despite the underlying, ever-present fear (which in my case is exacerbated for other reasons beyond my control).
Overall, though, 2015 was very good to me. I'm hoping 2016 will be too, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope at the moment. This next semester is going to kick the shit out of me academically, not to mention ... to put it in nonspecific terms, the suddenly not-so-great health of someone very close to me. I'll pull through somehow, but it's not going to be a walk in the park.
Then again... How many times have I thought that before? Didn't I look at my winter semester last year and groan about biochemistry and ochem II and genetics 270? They were hard courses. And I did just fine. I have no reason to expect I can't handle the challenges this time around.
Here's to a good 2016. I wish you all the best, and hope your 2015s are now fond and happy memories (at least some parts of them, if not all)
yer pal,
swegan
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Strict
I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the ideal child, I hit it pretty close.
I know how vain that sounds, I get it. But I'm starting to think there's a great deal of evidence for it. When my parents made rules, I obeyed them, no matter how much my friends insisted it was unfair or wrong. There may have been times when I was tempted to rebel, in simple, tiny ways, but I never did. I was always too afraid.
Hearing the stories of other kids who grew up with strict parents is always interesting. Most of them are online, a few are real life, and all of them make me think that my parents weren't nearly that bad. I was allowed to have friends over if I wanted. When I got a car (and hey, I got a car), I was allowed to go places as long as I told my parents where I'd be going, who would be there, and when I'd be back, and gave them the address of where it was. Which I guess seems reasonable. I know they were just worried. It wasn't like they never allowed me to go out. Freckles and I got bothered about practicing piano a bunch, but we were never forced to practice, though my mom tried several reward techniques. After a certain age, we were allowed to monitor our own junk food intake- not that there was much in the house to begin with. We were allowed to have friends over and sleepovers and eventually, to walk to the corner store alone. When I became a teenager, my mom finally let me ride my bike further than just up and down the street in front of the house. When I graduated, my mom let me go to a grad party at the last minute, despite the fact that a month earlier she and my dad had barely let me out for a different one. I got a cell phone in high school. I had a very decent allowance. We were allowed to hang out at the mall unsupervised with friends. As I got older, they got much more lenient.
But then I think about how I'm so scared of life now. Being here, being away from home, has helped so much; I'm not afraid to get on the bus for an hour to go get my skates sharpened (that was a bad choice of location on my part). I'm not afraid to just walk down my own street and window shop. I'm not afraid to be out when I please. But I'm still afraid. More so of big adult things, like getting a credit card on my own, or spending large amounts of money, or making my own travel plans, but still.
I'm not really sure if that comes from me or my parents. On the one hand, big adult things are scary for a lot of people, even those who had really lenient parents. Some people just don't like to go out and explore much, that's just how they are. On the other hand, I do know people who just... for them, trying new things or giving themselves permission to do something they love or even just find something they love- it's easier for them. I can tell.
I just wonder- because there were so many things I wasn't allowed to do because my parents were concerned, am I forever destined to be the annoying person who worries about everything? "Let's go out drinking! Swegan, do you want to come?" Sure, but I don't want to drink, and how are you guys getting home? Does anyone need a ride? Okay, but no puking in my car. Where is this place? Are you sure that part of town is safe? "Just order something new, like I'm ordering this drink and I've never had it before." Yeah, but what if I hate it? Then I've spent money on something I don't even like. And it's wasted on me. It just goes down the drain, or in the trash. "In order to participate in this, you're gonna need to have [things I do not currently own]." Okay, but I don't really know if I like this yet. Am I sure I want to buy all this stuff? What if I hate it? Then I've wasted a bunch of money and now I have crap I don't need and will never use taking up space. "So just sell it online." How? Don't you have to make an account somewhere? How do I meet up with people? How do I decide on a price? What if they're creepy? It's better just to not bother, then I don't have to worry at all. "Just get a credit card." Okay, but I look really young and naive. How am I supposed to know if the bank is pulling a fast one over me? How do I know if I'm getting a shitty deal that will end up costing me money? And how do I pay that off? Isn't it time consuming? I'd have to go to the bank... I'll just do it later. "Skating hours are Sunday from 3-4:45." Okay, but those hours are prime homework time for me. I really want to skate, but... school's gotta come first. I'll see how it looks next Sunday... ooh, but wait, I won't be here. Well, maybe the Sunday after? (Then I consequently forget). "Come hang out." But I have all this stuff I want to get done so I'm not up working until 11. I need to get enough sleep. If I don't, I get dizzy and grumpy and it's no fun at all. Plus I want to make sure I study adequately for this exam. I have to get these things done. I have to get SOMETHING done, I haven't done anything all day.
Do you see what I mean? I never let myself do anything. And it sounds a bit like my worries are overwhelming the way I've phrased it, but they're really not. This is just how I think. This is how I operate. Unless I can completely justify doing something 100%, unless I'm completely (or reasonably) sure it's a good idea, unless I'm totally convinced there's really no chance of it messing my life up or ME messing my life up, I just won't do it. And sometimes it doesn't really matter, like when I order my favourite thing at a restaurant all the time, but other times it does, like when I can't get a credit card and thus still haven't built up any credit at all.
Sometimes I think it helps to think of all the things I just do now that my parents are none the wiser about. They don't know my study habits, or my eating habits. They don't know that sometimes I leave my building at 10:30 and walk down the dark alley to Safeway. They don't know that sometimes I go for walks in the river valley and get lost. They don't know that I rode the bus into the north end of town for an hour, maybe into a questionable area, just to get my skates sharpened. They... well, okay, they know I took the bus home from the airport instead of just calling a cab. I just... I know these are stupid, tiny little things. I do. But to be able to live my life, at least in part, like it's really mine, like I get to decide how I spend my time, is incredibly freeing. Which is what makes me think my upbringing was "strict" in any way at all.
I know I'm still a stick in the mud, despite the fact that I know people don't hate me. People like me, but they also find me amusing. I worry about everything. Constantly. I can't stop it. I don't really want to. I didn't spend my teenage years running about, doing what I wanted to. I spent a lot of them at home, in my room, doing homework (there's the other thing- I was and remain a very boringly good student. In science, no less).
This may explain why I found it so wonderful when I was finally allowed to drive myself to school, even though I was still late. For some reason, being late when it was my fault didn't give me nearly as much anxiety as when I was late and exactly who was at fault was less clear. Because driving myself to school allowed me, in some small way, to control my own life. Not to mention I got home a hell of a lot earlier, and my parents didn't have to deal with having to come pick me up.
I'm still not good at this. I think maybe it's just that a lot of other people I know had to grow up much sooner than I did. I was given the luxury of remaining a child when I was still a child. Now I have to grow up, and when it seems like everyone around me is just unafraid to do simple things because they want to do them, I feel very, very lame. Sometimes it feels like I'll never catch up, like I'll forever be a step behind my friends as we progress into our adult lives. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only so intensely self-aware of this because I'm growing up now, rather than at 11 or 13 or 16.
The other thing that I know to be true is that one day I won't have my parents to lean upon. I won't have them around to tell me what to do, even when I want them to tell me. I've gotta have my shit figured out by then if I have any hope of coping.
As for my parents being strict... the issue is best summarized by explaining the facebook rule: I wasn't allowed to make an account until they said so. This is a weird rule; it's pretty hard to enforce (and was considering neither of my parents were on facebook at the time) or police, and yet I never even thought about going against it. And I didn't. Perhaps this says something about my parents' ability to trust me (and I am glad now that I wasn't permitted access to something that permanent when I was 13, oh my god), but I also think it says a lot about me. Or the time my parents forced me to write all my grade 10 exams, even though I was exempt due to my grades (they argued that there weren't going to be exemptions later and I should learn how to study now). Everyone (including my teachers) thought that was insanely unfair, and asked why I didn't just... not do it. And I could have, too; my mom never followed me into the school when she dropped me off. I could have just sat in the hallways or a bathroom for a long enough time that it would make it seem like I had finished the test, and called them to pick me up, and lied through my teeth. "How was the exam?" "Fine." But no, I went and wrote them all anyway.
Long story short: I don't have an ounce of rebellion in me, at least not when it comes to my parents, and I still don't know if that's because of me or them.
yer pal,
swegan
I know how vain that sounds, I get it. But I'm starting to think there's a great deal of evidence for it. When my parents made rules, I obeyed them, no matter how much my friends insisted it was unfair or wrong. There may have been times when I was tempted to rebel, in simple, tiny ways, but I never did. I was always too afraid.
Hearing the stories of other kids who grew up with strict parents is always interesting. Most of them are online, a few are real life, and all of them make me think that my parents weren't nearly that bad. I was allowed to have friends over if I wanted. When I got a car (and hey, I got a car), I was allowed to go places as long as I told my parents where I'd be going, who would be there, and when I'd be back, and gave them the address of where it was. Which I guess seems reasonable. I know they were just worried. It wasn't like they never allowed me to go out. Freckles and I got bothered about practicing piano a bunch, but we were never forced to practice, though my mom tried several reward techniques. After a certain age, we were allowed to monitor our own junk food intake- not that there was much in the house to begin with. We were allowed to have friends over and sleepovers and eventually, to walk to the corner store alone. When I became a teenager, my mom finally let me ride my bike further than just up and down the street in front of the house. When I graduated, my mom let me go to a grad party at the last minute, despite the fact that a month earlier she and my dad had barely let me out for a different one. I got a cell phone in high school. I had a very decent allowance. We were allowed to hang out at the mall unsupervised with friends. As I got older, they got much more lenient.
But then I think about how I'm so scared of life now. Being here, being away from home, has helped so much; I'm not afraid to get on the bus for an hour to go get my skates sharpened (that was a bad choice of location on my part). I'm not afraid to just walk down my own street and window shop. I'm not afraid to be out when I please. But I'm still afraid. More so of big adult things, like getting a credit card on my own, or spending large amounts of money, or making my own travel plans, but still.
I'm not really sure if that comes from me or my parents. On the one hand, big adult things are scary for a lot of people, even those who had really lenient parents. Some people just don't like to go out and explore much, that's just how they are. On the other hand, I do know people who just... for them, trying new things or giving themselves permission to do something they love or even just find something they love- it's easier for them. I can tell.
I just wonder- because there were so many things I wasn't allowed to do because my parents were concerned, am I forever destined to be the annoying person who worries about everything? "Let's go out drinking! Swegan, do you want to come?" Sure, but I don't want to drink, and how are you guys getting home? Does anyone need a ride? Okay, but no puking in my car. Where is this place? Are you sure that part of town is safe? "Just order something new, like I'm ordering this drink and I've never had it before." Yeah, but what if I hate it? Then I've spent money on something I don't even like. And it's wasted on me. It just goes down the drain, or in the trash. "In order to participate in this, you're gonna need to have [things I do not currently own]." Okay, but I don't really know if I like this yet. Am I sure I want to buy all this stuff? What if I hate it? Then I've wasted a bunch of money and now I have crap I don't need and will never use taking up space. "So just sell it online." How? Don't you have to make an account somewhere? How do I meet up with people? How do I decide on a price? What if they're creepy? It's better just to not bother, then I don't have to worry at all. "Just get a credit card." Okay, but I look really young and naive. How am I supposed to know if the bank is pulling a fast one over me? How do I know if I'm getting a shitty deal that will end up costing me money? And how do I pay that off? Isn't it time consuming? I'd have to go to the bank... I'll just do it later. "Skating hours are Sunday from 3-4:45." Okay, but those hours are prime homework time for me. I really want to skate, but... school's gotta come first. I'll see how it looks next Sunday... ooh, but wait, I won't be here. Well, maybe the Sunday after? (Then I consequently forget). "Come hang out." But I have all this stuff I want to get done so I'm not up working until 11. I need to get enough sleep. If I don't, I get dizzy and grumpy and it's no fun at all. Plus I want to make sure I study adequately for this exam. I have to get these things done. I have to get SOMETHING done, I haven't done anything all day.
Do you see what I mean? I never let myself do anything. And it sounds a bit like my worries are overwhelming the way I've phrased it, but they're really not. This is just how I think. This is how I operate. Unless I can completely justify doing something 100%, unless I'm completely (or reasonably) sure it's a good idea, unless I'm totally convinced there's really no chance of it messing my life up or ME messing my life up, I just won't do it. And sometimes it doesn't really matter, like when I order my favourite thing at a restaurant all the time, but other times it does, like when I can't get a credit card and thus still haven't built up any credit at all.
Sometimes I think it helps to think of all the things I just do now that my parents are none the wiser about. They don't know my study habits, or my eating habits. They don't know that sometimes I leave my building at 10:30 and walk down the dark alley to Safeway. They don't know that sometimes I go for walks in the river valley and get lost. They don't know that I rode the bus into the north end of town for an hour, maybe into a questionable area, just to get my skates sharpened. They... well, okay, they know I took the bus home from the airport instead of just calling a cab. I just... I know these are stupid, tiny little things. I do. But to be able to live my life, at least in part, like it's really mine, like I get to decide how I spend my time, is incredibly freeing. Which is what makes me think my upbringing was "strict" in any way at all.
I know I'm still a stick in the mud, despite the fact that I know people don't hate me. People like me, but they also find me amusing. I worry about everything. Constantly. I can't stop it. I don't really want to. I didn't spend my teenage years running about, doing what I wanted to. I spent a lot of them at home, in my room, doing homework (there's the other thing- I was and remain a very boringly good student. In science, no less).
This may explain why I found it so wonderful when I was finally allowed to drive myself to school, even though I was still late. For some reason, being late when it was my fault didn't give me nearly as much anxiety as when I was late and exactly who was at fault was less clear. Because driving myself to school allowed me, in some small way, to control my own life. Not to mention I got home a hell of a lot earlier, and my parents didn't have to deal with having to come pick me up.
I'm still not good at this. I think maybe it's just that a lot of other people I know had to grow up much sooner than I did. I was given the luxury of remaining a child when I was still a child. Now I have to grow up, and when it seems like everyone around me is just unafraid to do simple things because they want to do them, I feel very, very lame. Sometimes it feels like I'll never catch up, like I'll forever be a step behind my friends as we progress into our adult lives. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only so intensely self-aware of this because I'm growing up now, rather than at 11 or 13 or 16.
The other thing that I know to be true is that one day I won't have my parents to lean upon. I won't have them around to tell me what to do, even when I want them to tell me. I've gotta have my shit figured out by then if I have any hope of coping.
As for my parents being strict... the issue is best summarized by explaining the facebook rule: I wasn't allowed to make an account until they said so. This is a weird rule; it's pretty hard to enforce (and was considering neither of my parents were on facebook at the time) or police, and yet I never even thought about going against it. And I didn't. Perhaps this says something about my parents' ability to trust me (and I am glad now that I wasn't permitted access to something that permanent when I was 13, oh my god), but I also think it says a lot about me. Or the time my parents forced me to write all my grade 10 exams, even though I was exempt due to my grades (they argued that there weren't going to be exemptions later and I should learn how to study now). Everyone (including my teachers) thought that was insanely unfair, and asked why I didn't just... not do it. And I could have, too; my mom never followed me into the school when she dropped me off. I could have just sat in the hallways or a bathroom for a long enough time that it would make it seem like I had finished the test, and called them to pick me up, and lied through my teeth. "How was the exam?" "Fine." But no, I went and wrote them all anyway.
Long story short: I don't have an ounce of rebellion in me, at least not when it comes to my parents, and I still don't know if that's because of me or them.
yer pal,
swegan
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Competition
A long time ago, an aunt of mine shared an article on facebook. I don't remember exactly what the title was, but I do remember that the jist of the article was about "don't do so much! Slow down and enjoy life!" I remember feeling incredibly bitter about that. How in the fuck, I thought, am I supposed to slow down and yet compete with everyone my age for the same scholarships and jobs??
Of course, the article's intended audience was obviously people around my aunt's age: people who have already done any post-secondary they might intend to do, people who are no longer young, people who have had kids and gotten married and worked for quite a while. You know, like, real adults. People with established careers and nice houses and cars, shit like that. I am not one of those people, obviously.
A lot of my insecurity about the stuff in the last post revolves around this. I'm happy not doing a lot, for the most part. I feel like I ought to be more well-rounded, but a lot of the worry there comes from the fact that I'm painfully aware of how well other people my own age are doing. This, coupled with the fact that I've always felt like I'm in the bottom of the top of the heap, gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I've never had a leadership position in my life. I'm not one of those kids who gets Really Good Holy Shit Amazing grades (and I get pissed whenever a character in a book that is depicted as Smart has a 4.0, because I know literally nobody with a 4.0 (or if they have one, they're not telling me)), I'm just one of those kids who gets Grades That Are Good. Like, my GPA isn't bad, but I'm always so aware of the fact that it could be better by it being LITERALLY 0.1 BELOW WHAT I'D NEED TO GET ON THE HONOR ROLL (I am so mad about this, in case you couldn't tell). I have some volunteer experience, but I'm always aware of the fact that I could have more (and the bulk of mine is from high school, anyway).
The other issue is that I tend to befriend people and like people who, at least in my eyes, can successfully do this- volunteer in things, get actually really good grades, maintain a group of friends. Win scholarships. That sort of shit. Some of them excel in certain categories more than others, but that's just the thing: they excel. I've never really felt like I excelled at anything. The only time I remember being the best was in 7th grade when the unofficial class appointed #1 smart kid left for four months, and I, as the unofficial class appointed #2 smart kid, became #1 for a brief and glorious period of time. I was never the best at piano. I was never the best at dance. I was never the best at writing (though, I suppose, I was the most prolific of anyone I knew for quite some time).
I still feel that way, that I'm this weird kind of Good Mediocre, that I'm doing okay, but I could still be doing better. And I feel that I can't just sit there, complacent, and accept that I'll probably get somewhere being Good Mediocre, because I feel like- and this is compounded by the fact that I attend a large university- there are literally hundreds of thousands of my peers who are competing for the same stuff I am. I know that's not quite accurate; my university isn't that big, nor is my faculty (though it is the biggest), nor is my specialty, nor is the group of people interested in my field of interest (medical research, at the moment). But there are still other kids out there, and they are studying harder and volunteering more and winning more awards than I am, and they are always out there.
I know I should strive to do better, all that, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm already doing as much as I can reasonably expect of myself, and other times I look at the amount of effort other kids put into assignments I decided were not worth that much stress, and I think there's your problem. While other kids are doing shit like going to the prof and the TAs and spending hours working over some god-awful what-the-fuck-is-this genetics problem set, I said "this is worth 5% of my grade and my biochem midterm next week is worth 40%" (and yet I still did not study hard enough for that biochem midterm) and consequently put in about 8 times less effort into the problem set. Unless those kids are lying (which, if you are, literally go fuck yourselves I hate you), it feels like I'm not doing enough. Constantly. Which is annoying, because I know how to fix some of those problems, but not all of them, and all of it stresses me out probably more than the aspect of getting a degree and having to venture off into the real world.
Then, I think, there are still heaps of students who say things like "I don't feel like going to class today, let's go get lattes" or who sit in class and look at tumblr and facebook and youtube instead of paying attention. I am definitely doing better than those kids: I save my tumblr and facebook and youtube for when I'm at home and supposed to be reading some stupidly boring chapter in my chemistry textbook (guess what, I barely did any of the reading for all 4 chem courses, and I've passed them all with varying kinds of Bs), or for after the hour of 8 (or 9, or even 10, depending on the point of the semester) when I know I'm not productive anymore and can't get anything done. But I don't really care about those kids. They're not even good competition.
And in that, I think- maybe those kids who are trying that hard are good to have around, because they make me try harder. Wouldn't I just get lazy if I knew I was already at the top? Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe I should just accept that I'm not the best- certainly not at everything, maybe not at anything right now. I'm still good enough to get a few awards, I still push myself enough to participate in a few things outside of class, I still have a pretty decent social circle. And maybe, because it's August and this is probably one of the last summers of my life during which I get to be this lazy, I should go and watch TV with my sister.
yer pal,
swegan
Of course, the article's intended audience was obviously people around my aunt's age: people who have already done any post-secondary they might intend to do, people who are no longer young, people who have had kids and gotten married and worked for quite a while. You know, like, real adults. People with established careers and nice houses and cars, shit like that. I am not one of those people, obviously.
A lot of my insecurity about the stuff in the last post revolves around this. I'm happy not doing a lot, for the most part. I feel like I ought to be more well-rounded, but a lot of the worry there comes from the fact that I'm painfully aware of how well other people my own age are doing. This, coupled with the fact that I've always felt like I'm in the bottom of the top of the heap, gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I've never had a leadership position in my life. I'm not one of those kids who gets Really Good Holy Shit Amazing grades (and I get pissed whenever a character in a book that is depicted as Smart has a 4.0, because I know literally nobody with a 4.0 (or if they have one, they're not telling me)), I'm just one of those kids who gets Grades That Are Good. Like, my GPA isn't bad, but I'm always so aware of the fact that it could be better by it being LITERALLY 0.1 BELOW WHAT I'D NEED TO GET ON THE HONOR ROLL (I am so mad about this, in case you couldn't tell). I have some volunteer experience, but I'm always aware of the fact that I could have more (and the bulk of mine is from high school, anyway).
The other issue is that I tend to befriend people and like people who, at least in my eyes, can successfully do this- volunteer in things, get actually really good grades, maintain a group of friends. Win scholarships. That sort of shit. Some of them excel in certain categories more than others, but that's just the thing: they excel. I've never really felt like I excelled at anything. The only time I remember being the best was in 7th grade when the unofficial class appointed #1 smart kid left for four months, and I, as the unofficial class appointed #2 smart kid, became #1 for a brief and glorious period of time. I was never the best at piano. I was never the best at dance. I was never the best at writing (though, I suppose, I was the most prolific of anyone I knew for quite some time).
I still feel that way, that I'm this weird kind of Good Mediocre, that I'm doing okay, but I could still be doing better. And I feel that I can't just sit there, complacent, and accept that I'll probably get somewhere being Good Mediocre, because I feel like- and this is compounded by the fact that I attend a large university- there are literally hundreds of thousands of my peers who are competing for the same stuff I am. I know that's not quite accurate; my university isn't that big, nor is my faculty (though it is the biggest), nor is my specialty, nor is the group of people interested in my field of interest (medical research, at the moment). But there are still other kids out there, and they are studying harder and volunteering more and winning more awards than I am, and they are always out there.
I know I should strive to do better, all that, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm already doing as much as I can reasonably expect of myself, and other times I look at the amount of effort other kids put into assignments I decided were not worth that much stress, and I think there's your problem. While other kids are doing shit like going to the prof and the TAs and spending hours working over some god-awful what-the-fuck-is-this genetics problem set, I said "this is worth 5% of my grade and my biochem midterm next week is worth 40%" (and yet I still did not study hard enough for that biochem midterm) and consequently put in about 8 times less effort into the problem set. Unless those kids are lying (which, if you are, literally go fuck yourselves I hate you), it feels like I'm not doing enough. Constantly. Which is annoying, because I know how to fix some of those problems, but not all of them, and all of it stresses me out probably more than the aspect of getting a degree and having to venture off into the real world.
Then, I think, there are still heaps of students who say things like "I don't feel like going to class today, let's go get lattes" or who sit in class and look at tumblr and facebook and youtube instead of paying attention. I am definitely doing better than those kids: I save my tumblr and facebook and youtube for when I'm at home and supposed to be reading some stupidly boring chapter in my chemistry textbook (guess what, I barely did any of the reading for all 4 chem courses, and I've passed them all with varying kinds of Bs), or for after the hour of 8 (or 9, or even 10, depending on the point of the semester) when I know I'm not productive anymore and can't get anything done. But I don't really care about those kids. They're not even good competition.
And in that, I think- maybe those kids who are trying that hard are good to have around, because they make me try harder. Wouldn't I just get lazy if I knew I was already at the top? Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe I should just accept that I'm not the best- certainly not at everything, maybe not at anything right now. I'm still good enough to get a few awards, I still push myself enough to participate in a few things outside of class, I still have a pretty decent social circle. And maybe, because it's August and this is probably one of the last summers of my life during which I get to be this lazy, I should go and watch TV with my sister.
yer pal,
swegan
Monday, June 8, 2015
This blog is slowly degrading back into public journal entries
My mom, the other day, said to me that she doesn't think I've ever really been in love before. Her qualifications required that losing that person would tear my life apart, and I was stumped. I couldn't argue- not because I felt like she was right, but because I felt like she might be wrong and I didn't know why.
It's not like I haven't told people I love them before. I tell friends all the time, but that's not what my mom was talking about. I love my family, but again, I still don't think that's what she was getting at (despite the fact that losing either of my parents or siblings or any extended family to whom I am close would obviously tear my life apart). I told Ptarckas I loved him, and I meant it, because at the time it seemed like the only thing there was to say, and I felt like that meant it must be real.
Obviously, I'm still sorting out how I feel about Ptarckas. I broke up with him just a couple days ago, but to be honest, nothing feels super different. It feels like I can't talk to him as much, not that we were talking much anymore. It's just... weird. I'm OK, which I didn't expect, but this is weird. But more in the sense that I was just used to having him around, which I think is expected of any relationship. And now I don't really "have him around", and it's weird for me.
Fortunately, we both seem OK, but that raises the issue of whether or not our relationship was ever really serious to begin with. I haven't cried about this since it happened (although crying while our relationship kinda fell apart was standard). I remember one time standing in my apartment, and getting so upset at the thought of breaking up with him that I had to remind myself that I didn't have to do that. Now, I've done it, and I think the distance is acting as a buffer.
I don't know what it's going to be like once I get back to school. Seeing him has become such a part of my life, and I was dating him basically for the entirety of my university experience thus far. What's troubling me isn't that I don't know how to university without him, per se, but that I don't know what it's like to university without being that close to someone and having that kind of relationship. I'm more than certain it will be fine. I mean, yeah, it was really great while it lasted. Our relationship didn't end because it was toxic and twisted and bitter, or because either of us no longer cared about the other (nor did it end because I developed feelings for someone else, despite how it may look that way). Our relationship ended because he made it very clear that he didn't feel like this was going to last in the long-term, and that sucked all the serious out of it. It also made me realize that I didn't want to stay with someone if I knew it was going to end.
I'm not interested in casual dating, not interested in having flings with people that I fully expect to end at some point. I'm not the kind of person to keep myself from getting emotionally invested (I get emotionally invested in everything). And I guess that's the good that came out of this relationship, is that I understand more of what I want now. Maybe not much, but something. So maybe that means mom was right, and I've never been in love (on her terms, anyway). It sounds terrifying, but then, so do plenty of other things, like Being Financially Responsible and Acting Like an Adult, and I'm still game for those.
The other problem I'm having is that I still feel guilty about having feelings for someone else, even though it literally no longer matters. There's still a sense of I can't do anything about those yet, I have to deal with this first that was there the past few months, and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know what there is to get over here, just that there's something, and I owe it to myself- and to Ptarckas- to at least wait until I feel like I'm fully done. Furthermore, I don't want to try and go after someone else if there's a risk that I'm not done here, and that because of that I might fuck it up with that someone else. That's not fair to anyone.
It just feels stupid to be thinking about this, like how can you possibly like someone else?? you just broke up two days ago!! What's wrong with you? and the answer, of course, is nothing, nothing is wrong with me, forgive me for being human and liking people in a way that makes me want to date them, heaven forbid I do something like that. (I'd like to take a moment here to apologize to the guy on the receiving end of said feelings, since he reads this- I really don't want to weird you out, but this is my blog, and I'm not trying to weird you out).
So I guess I am a little troubled since I broke up with Ptarckas- just not the kind of troubled I expected to be. I was expected melancholy, weeping, that awful, awful feeling of heartbreak... but no. I just feel overwhelmed with guilt, and apparently stressed out enough by that that my back is fucking itself up again.
I'm just not really sure how to navigate feelings at the moment. I'm trying to enjoy the fact that at least some of this makes me happy (I mean, come on, learning someone you like reciprocates those feelings at least a little weensy bit is a pretty good feeling), and I'm trying to be reasonable with myself. Is it normal to feel guilty? Probably. Should that stop me from living my life forever? No, but at the moment, I am living my life, and I'm fine. I have the whole rest of the summer before I even have to run the risk of bumping into either boy involved in this situation, which makes everything easier. Hopefully by then, I'll feel a bit more OK about all of this.
Sometimes I'd like to think that people are right when they say I seem mature for my age, even though it still feels arrogant to think that.
yer pal,
swegan
It's not like I haven't told people I love them before. I tell friends all the time, but that's not what my mom was talking about. I love my family, but again, I still don't think that's what she was getting at (despite the fact that losing either of my parents or siblings or any extended family to whom I am close would obviously tear my life apart). I told Ptarckas I loved him, and I meant it, because at the time it seemed like the only thing there was to say, and I felt like that meant it must be real.
Obviously, I'm still sorting out how I feel about Ptarckas. I broke up with him just a couple days ago, but to be honest, nothing feels super different. It feels like I can't talk to him as much, not that we were talking much anymore. It's just... weird. I'm OK, which I didn't expect, but this is weird. But more in the sense that I was just used to having him around, which I think is expected of any relationship. And now I don't really "have him around", and it's weird for me.
Fortunately, we both seem OK, but that raises the issue of whether or not our relationship was ever really serious to begin with. I haven't cried about this since it happened (although crying while our relationship kinda fell apart was standard). I remember one time standing in my apartment, and getting so upset at the thought of breaking up with him that I had to remind myself that I didn't have to do that. Now, I've done it, and I think the distance is acting as a buffer.
I don't know what it's going to be like once I get back to school. Seeing him has become such a part of my life, and I was dating him basically for the entirety of my university experience thus far. What's troubling me isn't that I don't know how to university without him, per se, but that I don't know what it's like to university without being that close to someone and having that kind of relationship. I'm more than certain it will be fine. I mean, yeah, it was really great while it lasted. Our relationship didn't end because it was toxic and twisted and bitter, or because either of us no longer cared about the other (nor did it end because I developed feelings for someone else, despite how it may look that way). Our relationship ended because he made it very clear that he didn't feel like this was going to last in the long-term, and that sucked all the serious out of it. It also made me realize that I didn't want to stay with someone if I knew it was going to end.
I'm not interested in casual dating, not interested in having flings with people that I fully expect to end at some point. I'm not the kind of person to keep myself from getting emotionally invested (I get emotionally invested in everything). And I guess that's the good that came out of this relationship, is that I understand more of what I want now. Maybe not much, but something. So maybe that means mom was right, and I've never been in love (on her terms, anyway). It sounds terrifying, but then, so do plenty of other things, like Being Financially Responsible and Acting Like an Adult, and I'm still game for those.
The other problem I'm having is that I still feel guilty about having feelings for someone else, even though it literally no longer matters. There's still a sense of I can't do anything about those yet, I have to deal with this first that was there the past few months, and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know what there is to get over here, just that there's something, and I owe it to myself- and to Ptarckas- to at least wait until I feel like I'm fully done. Furthermore, I don't want to try and go after someone else if there's a risk that I'm not done here, and that because of that I might fuck it up with that someone else. That's not fair to anyone.
It just feels stupid to be thinking about this, like how can you possibly like someone else?? you just broke up two days ago!! What's wrong with you? and the answer, of course, is nothing, nothing is wrong with me, forgive me for being human and liking people in a way that makes me want to date them, heaven forbid I do something like that. (I'd like to take a moment here to apologize to the guy on the receiving end of said feelings, since he reads this- I really don't want to weird you out, but this is my blog, and I'm not trying to weird you out).
So I guess I am a little troubled since I broke up with Ptarckas- just not the kind of troubled I expected to be. I was expected melancholy, weeping, that awful, awful feeling of heartbreak... but no. I just feel overwhelmed with guilt, and apparently stressed out enough by that that my back is fucking itself up again.
I'm just not really sure how to navigate feelings at the moment. I'm trying to enjoy the fact that at least some of this makes me happy (I mean, come on, learning someone you like reciprocates those feelings at least a little weensy bit is a pretty good feeling), and I'm trying to be reasonable with myself. Is it normal to feel guilty? Probably. Should that stop me from living my life forever? No, but at the moment, I am living my life, and I'm fine. I have the whole rest of the summer before I even have to run the risk of bumping into either boy involved in this situation, which makes everything easier. Hopefully by then, I'll feel a bit more OK about all of this.
Sometimes I'd like to think that people are right when they say I seem mature for my age, even though it still feels arrogant to think that.
yer pal,
swegan
Thursday, April 9, 2015
I'm so excited
About a month ago, I got an email from the university telling me my date to start registering for courses. So I made up a list of things to take. At that point, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do, and so I found myself making up a schedule I absolutely hated (partly because the higher up in university you go, the fewer times classes are offered in a semester.... argh). It had some interesting courses, but the big kicker was that I was making myself take physics. I do not want to take physics again. Physics is hella cool and interesting, sure, but it's also really difficult, and the way physics labs are done at my university, they're due the next day. It's awful. Plus, the physics I would have been taking was a 1st year course. When I finally got my schedule assembled, I got stressed out just looking at it. I felt like there was still all this horrible crap I had to get through, and even at the end of it, I still wasn't really going to get to study what I wanted to, which is genetics. The way my general biology degree would work out, I'd spend way too much time studying ecology and evolution and botany. Those things, again, are all interesting, but don't get me nearly as hyped up and excited as genetics.
So, I decided to go talk to an advisor about doing a specialization in molecular genetics degree. He was very convincing (and also very friendly and welcoming, as I've found most people in research/biology to be) and I found myself registering for the degree. I'm sure my parents were a little disappointed, since this pushed me further away from med school, and I was a little apprehensive myself, but now I'm very glad I did it.
Already I am talking with the advisor guy (such a name) about doing a research project (essentially I think I just help do research in the lab of one of the researchers here and get credits for it), and about all these different courses I can take, and about the fact that it's OK to take an extra semester, and I get to take almost exclusively genetics courses when I get to my fourth year and next year the worst things I have to take are microbiology and cell biology, but those are still infinitely better than bi(o)chem and physics. Plus, so many of the courses I'd end up taking are more independent and research-driven, and that makes me really excited.
It's surprisingly freeing to be able to do this. I know some people hate doing this kind of degree because it limits their options for courses (I can't take as many WGS courses, which is unfortunate, but oh well), but I like it because I finally don't have to waste time learning about things I'm less interested in. I can get down to the fine details of the subject I love, and learn more about how to research it.
I also have an end goal in mind, now, and that is really, REALLY exciting to me. I really, really want to do health research- the lab I have been working in studies cancer and it is so, so cool and fascinating to me and I just want to know more about it. The idea that I could contribute to research that helps people is so exciting to me. Which, of course, is the problem (for me) with a lot of genetics research: it's all about cells, or small microorganisms, or things that to me, seem pointless. But I'm sure I'll find they're more interesting than I thought.
I'm just so, so, so excited that I get to do this. I get to decide, I get to say "no, this is what I want to study, this is what I want to do with my life." I get to pursue what I love. It feels infinitely better than just getting a general degree or just taking all the "med school courses" because I don't know what I want to do yet. Is this what I want to do forever? Shit, I have no idea. I don't know what my life will turn out to be. But the point is that I have a direction now, something to work towards, a goal, a dream. And I'm so incredibly happy for that.
I know these courses are going to be hard. I know sometimes they will bore me, that not everything will be awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping wonder. My genetics course right now (which, to be fair, is still an intro course) is a little bit not that interesting, but I have to learn the basics. I know that I'm gonna have to put in a lot of work, but I also know now that I'm allowed a little room to pace myself, and I really get a strong feeling that people in the field (not all of them, I'm not stupid) will be willing to help me out. The reaction I get from most people doing work in this field is "You want to study this too? Hot dog, come on down, let me show you EVERYTHING and help you out!" and it makes me so very happy- and grateful, because these people know exactly what opportunities to point out to me.
Just... this whole thing makes me so excited. I can't wait to do it. All through high school, I thought that university would be where I could finally just study what I wanted to, without having to take all these other things that I thought were cool but not cool enough to take classes in. I've spent my first two years taking english, math, and chemistry courses to get to this point, and it's so great to think that I might finally be getting to the cool stuff- even just a little bit.
It is a little lonely, because I don't know anybody else in my genetics course right now. I don't know anybody else doing this degree. I don't know anyone else that likes this stuff as much as I do. But I'm sure that, moving forward, I'll find some people. In the meantime: I have other friends. In fact, I have THREE WHOLE ENTIRE FRIENDS outside of my building/high school friends now. Huzzah!
I've probably gushed enough about this at this point. I do still have homework to do. AT LEAST MY LAST OCHEM CLASS EVER WAS TODAY.
yer pal,
swegan :)
So, I decided to go talk to an advisor about doing a specialization in molecular genetics degree. He was very convincing (and also very friendly and welcoming, as I've found most people in research/biology to be) and I found myself registering for the degree. I'm sure my parents were a little disappointed, since this pushed me further away from med school, and I was a little apprehensive myself, but now I'm very glad I did it.
Already I am talking with the advisor guy (such a name) about doing a research project (essentially I think I just help do research in the lab of one of the researchers here and get credits for it), and about all these different courses I can take, and about the fact that it's OK to take an extra semester, and I get to take almost exclusively genetics courses when I get to my fourth year and next year the worst things I have to take are microbiology and cell biology, but those are still infinitely better than bi(o)chem and physics. Plus, so many of the courses I'd end up taking are more independent and research-driven, and that makes me really excited.
It's surprisingly freeing to be able to do this. I know some people hate doing this kind of degree because it limits their options for courses (I can't take as many WGS courses, which is unfortunate, but oh well), but I like it because I finally don't have to waste time learning about things I'm less interested in. I can get down to the fine details of the subject I love, and learn more about how to research it.
I also have an end goal in mind, now, and that is really, REALLY exciting to me. I really, really want to do health research- the lab I have been working in studies cancer and it is so, so cool and fascinating to me and I just want to know more about it. The idea that I could contribute to research that helps people is so exciting to me. Which, of course, is the problem (for me) with a lot of genetics research: it's all about cells, or small microorganisms, or things that to me, seem pointless. But I'm sure I'll find they're more interesting than I thought.
I'm just so, so, so excited that I get to do this. I get to decide, I get to say "no, this is what I want to study, this is what I want to do with my life." I get to pursue what I love. It feels infinitely better than just getting a general degree or just taking all the "med school courses" because I don't know what I want to do yet. Is this what I want to do forever? Shit, I have no idea. I don't know what my life will turn out to be. But the point is that I have a direction now, something to work towards, a goal, a dream. And I'm so incredibly happy for that.
I know these courses are going to be hard. I know sometimes they will bore me, that not everything will be awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping wonder. My genetics course right now (which, to be fair, is still an intro course) is a little bit not that interesting, but I have to learn the basics. I know that I'm gonna have to put in a lot of work, but I also know now that I'm allowed a little room to pace myself, and I really get a strong feeling that people in the field (not all of them, I'm not stupid) will be willing to help me out. The reaction I get from most people doing work in this field is "You want to study this too? Hot dog, come on down, let me show you EVERYTHING and help you out!" and it makes me so very happy- and grateful, because these people know exactly what opportunities to point out to me.
Just... this whole thing makes me so excited. I can't wait to do it. All through high school, I thought that university would be where I could finally just study what I wanted to, without having to take all these other things that I thought were cool but not cool enough to take classes in. I've spent my first two years taking english, math, and chemistry courses to get to this point, and it's so great to think that I might finally be getting to the cool stuff- even just a little bit.
It is a little lonely, because I don't know anybody else in my genetics course right now. I don't know anybody else doing this degree. I don't know anyone else that likes this stuff as much as I do. But I'm sure that, moving forward, I'll find some people. In the meantime: I have other friends. In fact, I have THREE WHOLE ENTIRE FRIENDS outside of my building/high school friends now. Huzzah!
I've probably gushed enough about this at this point. I do still have homework to do. AT LEAST MY LAST OCHEM CLASS EVER WAS TODAY.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, March 28, 2015
I think I'm allowed to feel smarter
Sometimes I look back at my old journals. It's an exercise in humility, because it forces me to admit that I have not always been as smart as I am today. For example, when I was 10, I considered kissing people to be a MUCH bigger deal than it actually was. In a very embarrassing way. That mindset did not change until I was about 16, which is of course the age at which all teenagers get very hormonal. When I was 12 and 13, I decided to have a crush on a guy for no other reason than I thought he was attractive, which as we all now know turned out to be a very bad idea. When I was 16, I stayed in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere because we were 16. And now I'm 19, and all I can think of is Oh god, what will I think of the stuff I wrote here/in journals when I'm 25? when I'm 29? When I'm 33? Of course, by 33 I will probably have better things to do than wonder why I made bad decisions when I was 19, but the point still stands.
I guess I feel like I'm not allowed to feel smarter or better because at some point I will be smarterer or betterer. But that is kind of silly. Of course I'm smarter than I was at 13, I'm older now. Of course I'm not as smart as I'll be at 27, I'll be older then. But I'm allowed to feel like I'm going in the right direction, right?
I know that so many adults criticize young people for being dumb and making bad decisions, but at the same time, I don't think that's necessarily fair. Of course we're dumb and make bad decisions, that's how we get smarter so that when we're older, we know not to be dumb and make bad decisions. For example, my bad decision at 12 and 13 taught me to never, ever, ever sustain a serious interest in someone solely based on looks (which has of course led to me dating the nerdiest guys around). My bad decision at 16 let me know that ending a relationship you're unsure about can be OK (especially when you're 16). Also that I was far less innocent minded than my friends liked to tease me about.
I suppose one way to approach life now, then, would be to try lots of things. To not be afraid that I might make a bad decision. Sure, maybe that might hurt a little, but it's the only effective way for me to learn what stupid decisions I shouldn't make in the future. Furthermore, I do think that I'm not that stupid when it comes to making decisions, since I got into post-secondary and have remained there doing well and have now found a program I think I want to pursue. Which is hard to decide about, because I constantly feel pressure from my parents to do some kind of professional thing, and I worry so much that I will fuck up my entire life by pursuing research instead. I also worry that I will fuck up my entire life by dating one person throughout university because I have gotten bugged by them about "You meet so many people, you need to date around, take the opportunity" and I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry that my parents were right about that. Unfortunately, being in love with the current person I'm dating means that I have very little desire to break up with them for the sake of taking advantage of a large dating pool.
But maybe when I'm 25, I'll look back and say "I'm glad I pursued research and I love where I'm at now" or I'll look back and say "I'm adorable and that makes it easier to find people to date regardless of whether I'm constantly in a situation where I'm surrounded by literally thousands of people the same age as me" or I'll say "I actually did want to do medicine, but that's OK because I couldn't have known that and I made it anyway."
I mean, I have to believe right now that 1) I am smart enough to be ok and 2) That I'll be OK anyway. Everyone keeps saying that to me lately, and I have to hope they're right. It'll all work out. If you do what you love, you'll find a way to make money doing it. If you do something just to be secure, you'll end up bitter.
The fact that I am now friends with two med school hopefuls does not help the anxiety that I am doing the wrong thing with my life. But they get excited thinking about medical school (so they've told me) and seem really passionate about it. I only got that same level of excitement talking to the advisor for the molecular genetics specialization program at my school and realizing that I could a) not take physics b) study something I find very interesting c) do more lab work. I can't recall that excitement now, for whatever reason, but I think I'd be able to. Even if that degree means I have to take two cell biology courses, cell biology is still not physics. I really don't want to take physics. And I still have no idea why that's on the MCAT. It seems cruel and unusual, and the only logic I can come up with is "If you want to be a doctor, you've gotta be smart enough to pass physics and you've gotta wanna be a doctor badly enough to take physics" which doesn't really seem like a good enough reason to require it.
Anyway, I do actually have homework to do today. It's gonna be a busy day.
yer pal,
swegan.
I guess I feel like I'm not allowed to feel smarter or better because at some point I will be smarterer or betterer. But that is kind of silly. Of course I'm smarter than I was at 13, I'm older now. Of course I'm not as smart as I'll be at 27, I'll be older then. But I'm allowed to feel like I'm going in the right direction, right?
I know that so many adults criticize young people for being dumb and making bad decisions, but at the same time, I don't think that's necessarily fair. Of course we're dumb and make bad decisions, that's how we get smarter so that when we're older, we know not to be dumb and make bad decisions. For example, my bad decision at 12 and 13 taught me to never, ever, ever sustain a serious interest in someone solely based on looks (which has of course led to me dating the nerdiest guys around). My bad decision at 16 let me know that ending a relationship you're unsure about can be OK (especially when you're 16). Also that I was far less innocent minded than my friends liked to tease me about.
I suppose one way to approach life now, then, would be to try lots of things. To not be afraid that I might make a bad decision. Sure, maybe that might hurt a little, but it's the only effective way for me to learn what stupid decisions I shouldn't make in the future. Furthermore, I do think that I'm not that stupid when it comes to making decisions, since I got into post-secondary and have remained there doing well and have now found a program I think I want to pursue. Which is hard to decide about, because I constantly feel pressure from my parents to do some kind of professional thing, and I worry so much that I will fuck up my entire life by pursuing research instead. I also worry that I will fuck up my entire life by dating one person throughout university because I have gotten bugged by them about "You meet so many people, you need to date around, take the opportunity" and I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry that my parents were right about that. Unfortunately, being in love with the current person I'm dating means that I have very little desire to break up with them for the sake of taking advantage of a large dating pool.
But maybe when I'm 25, I'll look back and say "I'm glad I pursued research and I love where I'm at now" or I'll look back and say "I'm adorable and that makes it easier to find people to date regardless of whether I'm constantly in a situation where I'm surrounded by literally thousands of people the same age as me" or I'll say "I actually did want to do medicine, but that's OK because I couldn't have known that and I made it anyway."
I mean, I have to believe right now that 1) I am smart enough to be ok and 2) That I'll be OK anyway. Everyone keeps saying that to me lately, and I have to hope they're right. It'll all work out. If you do what you love, you'll find a way to make money doing it. If you do something just to be secure, you'll end up bitter.
The fact that I am now friends with two med school hopefuls does not help the anxiety that I am doing the wrong thing with my life. But they get excited thinking about medical school (so they've told me) and seem really passionate about it. I only got that same level of excitement talking to the advisor for the molecular genetics specialization program at my school and realizing that I could a) not take physics b) study something I find very interesting c) do more lab work. I can't recall that excitement now, for whatever reason, but I think I'd be able to. Even if that degree means I have to take two cell biology courses, cell biology is still not physics. I really don't want to take physics. And I still have no idea why that's on the MCAT. It seems cruel and unusual, and the only logic I can come up with is "If you want to be a doctor, you've gotta be smart enough to pass physics and you've gotta wanna be a doctor badly enough to take physics" which doesn't really seem like a good enough reason to require it.
Anyway, I do actually have homework to do today. It's gonna be a busy day.
yer pal,
swegan.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I know exactly what I want and it terrifies the shit out of me
This often happens in the fall and winter. I find myself pining for the mountains. But lately, I've found it happening so often that a scenario has started to take place in my mind. It's what I would like for my future life to be, ideally. I live in the mountains, or at least, my house is fucking surrounded by trees. Everywhere. And there's neigbours, but not too close, because of all the TREES.
I want to live in a small town, but in my reasonably-sized house with trees. I want there to be a university in this town, though, so it can't be too small. It should also be reasonably close to a larger city, for those nights when I want to go out on the town.
I work in the research department of that university. One way or another, I've obtained a "Dr." in front of my name, and I do research. Whether it's medical research or just biology research I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. And I run my own lab. I am in charge of it, I appoint the summer students, I do all the conferences, me. It's my lab. The lab of Dr. Swegan.
And I just like imagining coming home to my house in the trees and having it be warm and cozy, with lots of leather and varying shades of brown and lots of wood, wood furniture and flooring and ceilings. Like a cabin but not entirely like a cabin. It's cozy. I have a big bed covered in pillows and my room has a huge-ass window that is also a door that opens onto a balcony and so when I wake up and go to sleep, I see trees. Preferably with a sunrise over them in the morning.
And I have a little cozy spot in front of the fire, in a huge leather chair that's the kind of chair you sink into with a good book, and I sit there and stare out at the trees because that's right, the entire back of my house is also big-ass windows.
This same pining happened last year, only this year it feels worse. It's especially bad when I listen to a playlist of music I have that makes me feel safe, because this imaginary home and life is now my happy place.
The funny thing is, I don't ever see another person living with me. I'm always solitary, which is kind of unappealing. I think I'd want somebody around, even just a friend. Even just being at home by myself creeps me out- I'd need another person living in this house with me. But I think what's more significant is that there aren't any children. Obviously my mindset is that I'm still too young and I haven't lived much of a life yet, so I can't know if I want children or not. I don't know. I know I don't want them now, or any time in the next 10 years or so, that's for sure.
However, this is weirdly specific and very different from the idea I usually have, which is me living in a tiny, somewhat crappy, but cozy apartment in a small town. I don't know why I'm idealizing this small town in my head; I grew up in a small town and got to experience firsthand this summer how much it sucks living where there is almost nothing to do. But somehow, in this more young-adult version of the same town, I have things to do, and people I see, and I'm never bored or unhappy (well, I mean obviously I probably still am unhappy from time to time but never in a permanent way).
The problem with these fantasies is that I feel like they're so specific, they can never happen. Where in Canada am I going to find a place like that? BC somewhere? Vancouver Island? I don't know. And besides, I'm in my second year of an undergrad degree... getting either a Ph.D or an M.D. Ph.D is gonna be like a shitton of hard work that I am really not looking forward to, but I know that this is (at least for now) reasonably close to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly confident that I could get into medical school somewhere if I started putting effort towards that, like I think I could pass the MCAT with enough studying and I'm finding things to do in this city now that help me feel... busier, I guess. Less like a homebody. Like I have a life, even if that life is just going to dance class once a week, having a regular date night, and sometimes hanging out with Carina to make food and watch netflix at her house. Carina and I keep trying to have wild adventures, but then I always chicken out. I'm shitty at trying new things that way.
In somewhat unrelated news, my roommate got me a birthday gift which was super sweet of her. It was a little sampler of tea from David's Tea, and the flavour was pumpkin chai, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS TEA IS SO GOOD. It's got caramel in it which I think is the reason I like it so much, but it also just looks cute because the tea itself has little pumpkin candies in it and UGH you guys seriously, try it. It's cozy and perfect and delicious and UGH.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I want to live in a small town, but in my reasonably-sized house with trees. I want there to be a university in this town, though, so it can't be too small. It should also be reasonably close to a larger city, for those nights when I want to go out on the town.
I work in the research department of that university. One way or another, I've obtained a "Dr." in front of my name, and I do research. Whether it's medical research or just biology research I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. And I run my own lab. I am in charge of it, I appoint the summer students, I do all the conferences, me. It's my lab. The lab of Dr. Swegan.
And I just like imagining coming home to my house in the trees and having it be warm and cozy, with lots of leather and varying shades of brown and lots of wood, wood furniture and flooring and ceilings. Like a cabin but not entirely like a cabin. It's cozy. I have a big bed covered in pillows and my room has a huge-ass window that is also a door that opens onto a balcony and so when I wake up and go to sleep, I see trees. Preferably with a sunrise over them in the morning.
And I have a little cozy spot in front of the fire, in a huge leather chair that's the kind of chair you sink into with a good book, and I sit there and stare out at the trees because that's right, the entire back of my house is also big-ass windows.
This same pining happened last year, only this year it feels worse. It's especially bad when I listen to a playlist of music I have that makes me feel safe, because this imaginary home and life is now my happy place.
The funny thing is, I don't ever see another person living with me. I'm always solitary, which is kind of unappealing. I think I'd want somebody around, even just a friend. Even just being at home by myself creeps me out- I'd need another person living in this house with me. But I think what's more significant is that there aren't any children. Obviously my mindset is that I'm still too young and I haven't lived much of a life yet, so I can't know if I want children or not. I don't know. I know I don't want them now, or any time in the next 10 years or so, that's for sure.
However, this is weirdly specific and very different from the idea I usually have, which is me living in a tiny, somewhat crappy, but cozy apartment in a small town. I don't know why I'm idealizing this small town in my head; I grew up in a small town and got to experience firsthand this summer how much it sucks living where there is almost nothing to do. But somehow, in this more young-adult version of the same town, I have things to do, and people I see, and I'm never bored or unhappy (well, I mean obviously I probably still am unhappy from time to time but never in a permanent way).
The problem with these fantasies is that I feel like they're so specific, they can never happen. Where in Canada am I going to find a place like that? BC somewhere? Vancouver Island? I don't know. And besides, I'm in my second year of an undergrad degree... getting either a Ph.D or an M.D. Ph.D is gonna be like a shitton of hard work that I am really not looking forward to, but I know that this is (at least for now) reasonably close to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly confident that I could get into medical school somewhere if I started putting effort towards that, like I think I could pass the MCAT with enough studying and I'm finding things to do in this city now that help me feel... busier, I guess. Less like a homebody. Like I have a life, even if that life is just going to dance class once a week, having a regular date night, and sometimes hanging out with Carina to make food and watch netflix at her house. Carina and I keep trying to have wild adventures, but then I always chicken out. I'm shitty at trying new things that way.
In somewhat unrelated news, my roommate got me a birthday gift which was super sweet of her. It was a little sampler of tea from David's Tea, and the flavour was pumpkin chai, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS TEA IS SO GOOD. It's got caramel in it which I think is the reason I like it so much, but it also just looks cute because the tea itself has little pumpkin candies in it and UGH you guys seriously, try it. It's cozy and perfect and delicious and UGH.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, October 11, 2014
What I hear when people say "I'm a humanist/egalitarian, not a feminist"
"I am willing to totally throw out all that feminism and its proponents have fought for over the last couple centuries because instead of continuing to work within the movement as it stands to make it better and challenge those who use it to fuel a weird victim-biased agenda, I would rather take the easy way out and start a new movement based on the exact same things that feminism stands for, further making it look like feminism DOESN'T stand for those things even though it has all along."
To me, choosing this path is cowardly and disrespectful. Of course feminism has issues. It always has. It's likely it always will. But feminism has accomplished a lot of good, too, and to just leave the movement behind to me looks like throwing it in the dirt. People who say these things to me show that they aren't willing to put in the hard work of letting people know that feminism is about equality, but would rather just start a new movement from scratch that has accomplished literally nothing ...
To me, it's like feminism fought battles, and now people are refusing to honour their war dead. Step your game the fuck up, put on your analyzing hats, and get it through your fucking heads that feminism is about equality and always has been, oh my fucking god how many more times do I need to say this????
Yes, over the last century, it has focused on women's rights, because when feminism began to get popular, women weren't even people. Heck, I'm sure there's still parts of the world where they aren't. But I'm sure if we can recognize that women can be sexist and contribute to oppressive practices too, we can expand to discuss men's issues (so long as they are not rude, unnecessary interruptions of discussions of women's issues, which are just as valid and important). Feminism has already become way more intersectional than it used to be, in the days when feminism was kind of completely about upper class white women (who occasionally did make issues of working women's rights and the rights of immigrant women, see for example Nelly McClung (YES she was crazy into eugenics, and that is an unfortunate part of her legacy, but it doesn't cancel out the good that she accomplished. People aren't all good or all bad)).
I am sticking with feminism because I can see all that it has done for me, and this is my way of paying my respect. I'm not going to desert a movement that got me the right to vote, own property, and obtain a divorce. I'm one of the young generation now. I feel it is partly my responsibility to make the world a better place. I also feel like all the feminists who are now aging have to pass on the torch. It is now our responsibility to make feminism better, and yes, it is a lot of fucking hard work and trying to use logic and reason to be heard above the extremists... and now, too, above the people who aren't willing to be a feminist even though they still spout feminist ideals and have feminist mindsets.
And to anybody who tells me "you're just using emotion to sell this cause and make it seem noble" why yes, yes I am. Good job picking up on that. That was exactly my goal. Feminist goals are noble to me. I'm glad you got that.
yer pal,
swegan
To me, choosing this path is cowardly and disrespectful. Of course feminism has issues. It always has. It's likely it always will. But feminism has accomplished a lot of good, too, and to just leave the movement behind to me looks like throwing it in the dirt. People who say these things to me show that they aren't willing to put in the hard work of letting people know that feminism is about equality, but would rather just start a new movement from scratch that has accomplished literally nothing ...
To me, it's like feminism fought battles, and now people are refusing to honour their war dead. Step your game the fuck up, put on your analyzing hats, and get it through your fucking heads that feminism is about equality and always has been, oh my fucking god how many more times do I need to say this????
Yes, over the last century, it has focused on women's rights, because when feminism began to get popular, women weren't even people. Heck, I'm sure there's still parts of the world where they aren't. But I'm sure if we can recognize that women can be sexist and contribute to oppressive practices too, we can expand to discuss men's issues (so long as they are not rude, unnecessary interruptions of discussions of women's issues, which are just as valid and important). Feminism has already become way more intersectional than it used to be, in the days when feminism was kind of completely about upper class white women (who occasionally did make issues of working women's rights and the rights of immigrant women, see for example Nelly McClung (YES she was crazy into eugenics, and that is an unfortunate part of her legacy, but it doesn't cancel out the good that she accomplished. People aren't all good or all bad)).
I am sticking with feminism because I can see all that it has done for me, and this is my way of paying my respect. I'm not going to desert a movement that got me the right to vote, own property, and obtain a divorce. I'm one of the young generation now. I feel it is partly my responsibility to make the world a better place. I also feel like all the feminists who are now aging have to pass on the torch. It is now our responsibility to make feminism better, and yes, it is a lot of fucking hard work and trying to use logic and reason to be heard above the extremists... and now, too, above the people who aren't willing to be a feminist even though they still spout feminist ideals and have feminist mindsets.
And to anybody who tells me "you're just using emotion to sell this cause and make it seem noble" why yes, yes I am. Good job picking up on that. That was exactly my goal. Feminist goals are noble to me. I'm glad you got that.
yer pal,
swegan
Monday, September 29, 2014
Failsafe
I was talking to Ptarckas about this today after I got a B+ on a presentation/essay (I'm not sure if it was for both or for one, but either way it's pretty good) and I started thinking about what GPA that B+ will convert to, and I think it's around 3.
To begin, there are a few things I think I could do with this degree I'm pursuing
1) Go into a professional program (medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, education, nursing, etc)
2) Go to graduate school
3) Attempt to get work experience so that I can get a job later (via internship program at my uni)
This is really all I can see coming out of a BSc in biology. I don't know what the fuck else to do with it. Professional, research, or some kind of career... which I would probably need at least a graduate degree to go farther in. I don't think there's actually much I can do with my degree on its own, it's more of a building block.
The problem, per se, is that I need it to be a good building block. I know that to get into grad school, I need a GPA of at least 3.0 for my last 60 credits or something and then probably letters of reference and stuff. For professional programs, I'm of the impression that I need good grades, volunteering hours, and work/research experience. Which is a lot to balance at once. For work experience, I need to have a good resume and then good interview skills and obviously, an employer willing to hire me. My position as a general student doesn't help that, unfortunately, but I can't even apply to that until next year so if I find something I want to specialize in in the meantime, I guess I can do that.
Today was just a bunch of worrying what if based on that B+. What if my grades aren't good enough to get into grad school? What if I can't get an internship? What if I can't get into a professional program (should I choose to go that route)? It just worries me that I could theoretically fail at all of these options. I could theoretically not go anywhere with my life.
I mean, this is a narrow and limited view, probably because I'm young and inexperienced. But it seems to me that I don't have something I can fall back on- some kind of career or experience or SOMETHING that it would be really, really hard for me to fail at.
That's how I got through IB for a large part- I knew that I'd already been accepted to a university and that even if I bombed all my IB exams, I'd still go to university. It really took the pressure off, although I still put pressure on myself to do well, study hard, etc. And I did pretty well on my exams in the end.
I just feel like now I have to put so much pressure on myself, and I have to be competitive, too. Sometimes it feels like I'm battling hundreds or thousands of other people for the same positions and jobs, that there are a whole bunch of other people in my field who want the same things I do and who are willing to work harder than me to get them.
Every time I don't do all the extra practice questions, I feel like shit about myself. Like with biology this semester, there are peer assisted learning sessions every week I can go to, but I never really feel like I need to. So far I feel like I understand everything, that I have a good grasp on all the material, I just need to review it because we learned some of it weeks ago already and I need it to be fresher. But it all makes sense to me (and labs have helped). So to me, going to these PAL sessions would be a waste of time. I already understand things, I'll go to a session when I don't understand something. But when I don't go, I constantly feel like going would have helped anyway, but I don't want to bother to put in the effort (the only one I can attend cuts into my lunch on Wednesdays).
I guess I'm just worried that I won't ever get anywhere. Especially because I'm lazy today, I don't feel like doing anything at all, and yet I have a midterm on Wednesday and a paper to organize and a lab tomorrow and I just don't want to do any of it.
Hopefully over thanksgiving I can get a bit of a break. That way I also don't have to pack heavy textbooks in my suitcase for the trip home...
And I mean, realistically, I know that things will work out somehow. Some way, somehow. As long as I keep trying and don't give up, I'll find a career I enjoy, and maybe it will be many careers, but I'll be okay. Besides, like I said, I'm young and inexperienced, so I should probably take myself with a grain of salt right now.
yer pal,
swegan
To begin, there are a few things I think I could do with this degree I'm pursuing
1) Go into a professional program (medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, education, nursing, etc)
2) Go to graduate school
3) Attempt to get work experience so that I can get a job later (via internship program at my uni)
This is really all I can see coming out of a BSc in biology. I don't know what the fuck else to do with it. Professional, research, or some kind of career... which I would probably need at least a graduate degree to go farther in. I don't think there's actually much I can do with my degree on its own, it's more of a building block.
The problem, per se, is that I need it to be a good building block. I know that to get into grad school, I need a GPA of at least 3.0 for my last 60 credits or something and then probably letters of reference and stuff. For professional programs, I'm of the impression that I need good grades, volunteering hours, and work/research experience. Which is a lot to balance at once. For work experience, I need to have a good resume and then good interview skills and obviously, an employer willing to hire me. My position as a general student doesn't help that, unfortunately, but I can't even apply to that until next year so if I find something I want to specialize in in the meantime, I guess I can do that.
Today was just a bunch of worrying what if based on that B+. What if my grades aren't good enough to get into grad school? What if I can't get an internship? What if I can't get into a professional program (should I choose to go that route)? It just worries me that I could theoretically fail at all of these options. I could theoretically not go anywhere with my life.
I mean, this is a narrow and limited view, probably because I'm young and inexperienced. But it seems to me that I don't have something I can fall back on- some kind of career or experience or SOMETHING that it would be really, really hard for me to fail at.
That's how I got through IB for a large part- I knew that I'd already been accepted to a university and that even if I bombed all my IB exams, I'd still go to university. It really took the pressure off, although I still put pressure on myself to do well, study hard, etc. And I did pretty well on my exams in the end.
I just feel like now I have to put so much pressure on myself, and I have to be competitive, too. Sometimes it feels like I'm battling hundreds or thousands of other people for the same positions and jobs, that there are a whole bunch of other people in my field who want the same things I do and who are willing to work harder than me to get them.
Every time I don't do all the extra practice questions, I feel like shit about myself. Like with biology this semester, there are peer assisted learning sessions every week I can go to, but I never really feel like I need to. So far I feel like I understand everything, that I have a good grasp on all the material, I just need to review it because we learned some of it weeks ago already and I need it to be fresher. But it all makes sense to me (and labs have helped). So to me, going to these PAL sessions would be a waste of time. I already understand things, I'll go to a session when I don't understand something. But when I don't go, I constantly feel like going would have helped anyway, but I don't want to bother to put in the effort (the only one I can attend cuts into my lunch on Wednesdays).
I guess I'm just worried that I won't ever get anywhere. Especially because I'm lazy today, I don't feel like doing anything at all, and yet I have a midterm on Wednesday and a paper to organize and a lab tomorrow and I just don't want to do any of it.
Hopefully over thanksgiving I can get a bit of a break. That way I also don't have to pack heavy textbooks in my suitcase for the trip home...
And I mean, realistically, I know that things will work out somehow. Some way, somehow. As long as I keep trying and don't give up, I'll find a career I enjoy, and maybe it will be many careers, but I'll be okay. Besides, like I said, I'm young and inexperienced, so I should probably take myself with a grain of salt right now.
yer pal,
swegan
Monday, June 30, 2014
How To Fix Everything In My Fucking Life
I think lately why I've been feeling sad is because I keep feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. Like for starters, I need to show up earlier at work. There's another girl there who is studying for her MCATs by taking night courses at the same time as she's doing a summer of lab work and she comes in at 8:30, right when the lab opens. I need to research more at home so that I can actually understand what it is I'm researching and come to conclusions like I was asked to.
Furthermore, I stopped exercising. I need to do that because I am still gaining weight and too much more will be too much for my frame. Like I should be riding my bike, every day, at least five laps around the lake, and while I'm at it, I need to stop buying chocolate pretzels from bulk barn.
That way, I can save money to go out with friends, because I've fucked up at that, too. Does it matter that the movie starts at 10 on a weeknight? Of course not, I need to do these things with friends! Or else I won't have any!!!! Obviously all plans with friends must be attended. Friends are important. Friends are one of the most important things in the world.
While I'm on the subject of relationships, it seems like I should end my current one since I am dating someone who doesn't really have a direction. Who cares that he makes me happy! Who cares that I'm only 18??? I need to worry about the future NOW, obviously. And I need someone who will be able to support me financially when I inevitably have 2.5 kids at 30 and need to buy a house.
And on the topic of the future, I need to get my schooling together. Like start taking a foreign language, and volunteer more- obviously I need to do all of that AlbertaSat reading so that I can be super helpful, and I should be filling the newsletter with fun space news and interviews with people who work for the group. Oh, and I should really also enroll in a physics course- I only have two labs, I can handle the extra one. I'll just put it on Wednesday nights!!! No big deal, right? Of course not. Because if I'm going to go to med school, I'll need to get used to working hard.
Med school, you say? Well, of course! It's the only logical choice for someone like me because I'm hardworking and driven, and definitely smart enough to do it. Plus if I want to maintain this kind of lifestyle, I need to have a good job. It's either this or something like dentistry. Research isn't solid enough, and it requires a lot of school that is not as laid out as med school. Which is why I need to take physics!!! And foreign languages!! And volunteer more! I should probably spend my next summer break volunteering somewhere far away, only to come back to work at a lab job again, maybe in a different lab. And I need to make sure I keep my GPA above 3.5 so I can get research grants, because THOSE look really good on med school applications!!
And then with finances, I need to start investing in stuff, and putting money in an RRSP. And I need to stop spending so much- I should only spend on necessary stuff, like clothes. And time out with friends, I guess. Which is why I need to stop buying myself things like expensive swimsuits when they have them for $15 at target!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. OOPS.
AND THEN THE KICKER: I must do this all while pretending that I am ok. Lately I am walking around feeling like I am not allowed to not be ok, and telling my parents that I have felt sad for the past two weeks results in my mom insisting that it's because I spend all my time in my room. Thanks, mom. That's really helpful. That clearly also explains my sudden need to scream at anyone who drives the slightest bit incorrectly on the way home- before I start crying, that is.
I don't know what's wrong and lately I just feel like it's me. I am not doing things right. And the worst part is, there's really an easy way to fix this. It's just that now I feel like I might be too late in some areas, particularly the friends one. I've really fucked up there.
I guess all I can do is move forward and try. Maybe not with this, which would obviously make my parents happy (hooray, our daughter has plenty of friends and is normally social with good grades and bright doctor future ahead of her with her boyfriend who is also on the path to success and pays for dinner sometimes (yeah, that actually came up tonight)), but with friends, and with exercise. The rest, I don't know.
I don't know.
I think I'll start with riding my bike sometimes and doing more things with friends. I feel like that is, at the least, a good place to start. Maybe I have seriously fucked up some relationships. I can still try to fix them. Also I can fix my habits of being inconsistent with what time I will stay out until. Usually I am more willing to stay late if the event starts earlier than if it starts later. I need to quit being inconsistent like that.
One step at a time, I guess.
yer pal,
swegan
p.s. on an unrelated note, i have spent the weekend at my dad's cousin's cabin with her daughters, mine and freckles' second cousins. They're adorable beyond belief and really easy to entertain and i have actually really been feeling relaxed and enjoying myself. and i finished the last book in the mortal instruments series today. A very good conclusion, I thought. Left me with feelings, but also left me feeling satisfied. It was a good wrap-up. I strongly recommend the series (The Mortal Instruments).
Just so you know I'm not always all weepy-sad like this. Today was actually a good day. I just think a lot sometimes.
Furthermore, I stopped exercising. I need to do that because I am still gaining weight and too much more will be too much for my frame. Like I should be riding my bike, every day, at least five laps around the lake, and while I'm at it, I need to stop buying chocolate pretzels from bulk barn.
That way, I can save money to go out with friends, because I've fucked up at that, too. Does it matter that the movie starts at 10 on a weeknight? Of course not, I need to do these things with friends! Or else I won't have any!!!! Obviously all plans with friends must be attended. Friends are important. Friends are one of the most important things in the world.
While I'm on the subject of relationships, it seems like I should end my current one since I am dating someone who doesn't really have a direction. Who cares that he makes me happy! Who cares that I'm only 18??? I need to worry about the future NOW, obviously. And I need someone who will be able to support me financially when I inevitably have 2.5 kids at 30 and need to buy a house.
And on the topic of the future, I need to get my schooling together. Like start taking a foreign language, and volunteer more- obviously I need to do all of that AlbertaSat reading so that I can be super helpful, and I should be filling the newsletter with fun space news and interviews with people who work for the group. Oh, and I should really also enroll in a physics course- I only have two labs, I can handle the extra one. I'll just put it on Wednesday nights!!! No big deal, right? Of course not. Because if I'm going to go to med school, I'll need to get used to working hard.
Med school, you say? Well, of course! It's the only logical choice for someone like me because I'm hardworking and driven, and definitely smart enough to do it. Plus if I want to maintain this kind of lifestyle, I need to have a good job. It's either this or something like dentistry. Research isn't solid enough, and it requires a lot of school that is not as laid out as med school. Which is why I need to take physics!!! And foreign languages!! And volunteer more! I should probably spend my next summer break volunteering somewhere far away, only to come back to work at a lab job again, maybe in a different lab. And I need to make sure I keep my GPA above 3.5 so I can get research grants, because THOSE look really good on med school applications!!
And then with finances, I need to start investing in stuff, and putting money in an RRSP. And I need to stop spending so much- I should only spend on necessary stuff, like clothes. And time out with friends, I guess. Which is why I need to stop buying myself things like expensive swimsuits when they have them for $15 at target!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. OOPS.
AND THEN THE KICKER: I must do this all while pretending that I am ok. Lately I am walking around feeling like I am not allowed to not be ok, and telling my parents that I have felt sad for the past two weeks results in my mom insisting that it's because I spend all my time in my room. Thanks, mom. That's really helpful. That clearly also explains my sudden need to scream at anyone who drives the slightest bit incorrectly on the way home- before I start crying, that is.
I don't know what's wrong and lately I just feel like it's me. I am not doing things right. And the worst part is, there's really an easy way to fix this. It's just that now I feel like I might be too late in some areas, particularly the friends one. I've really fucked up there.
I guess all I can do is move forward and try. Maybe not with this, which would obviously make my parents happy (hooray, our daughter has plenty of friends and is normally social with good grades and bright doctor future ahead of her with her boyfriend who is also on the path to success and pays for dinner sometimes (yeah, that actually came up tonight)), but with friends, and with exercise. The rest, I don't know.
I don't know.
I think I'll start with riding my bike sometimes and doing more things with friends. I feel like that is, at the least, a good place to start. Maybe I have seriously fucked up some relationships. I can still try to fix them. Also I can fix my habits of being inconsistent with what time I will stay out until. Usually I am more willing to stay late if the event starts earlier than if it starts later. I need to quit being inconsistent like that.
One step at a time, I guess.
yer pal,
swegan
p.s. on an unrelated note, i have spent the weekend at my dad's cousin's cabin with her daughters, mine and freckles' second cousins. They're adorable beyond belief and really easy to entertain and i have actually really been feeling relaxed and enjoying myself. and i finished the last book in the mortal instruments series today. A very good conclusion, I thought. Left me with feelings, but also left me feeling satisfied. It was a good wrap-up. I strongly recommend the series (The Mortal Instruments).
Just so you know I'm not always all weepy-sad like this. Today was actually a good day. I just think a lot sometimes.
Monday, June 16, 2014
PARENTS
UGH
I swear I am going through a late teenage rebellion phase. I had my boyfriend over this weekend, and it was very, very awkward. My parents keep saying that everything needs to still be covered up at this point, and keep saying "we're just worried" while continuing to insinuate that if I'm not dating someone marriageable I shouldn't be dating, casually mentioning that a starter-home they went to see on the weekend was $530K and oop, don't you need a husband who can help you pay for that? It's like, jesus fucking christ, I am 18 years old. I am not getting married. I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. Besides, I am not worried about my future. I am doing well. I am working hard and trying to take advantage of things and keep my head up and that is going fine. I will go good places if I keep this up. I am not worried about myself in the slightest, especially since I have no desire to get married at all for like 5 or 10 years. I'm young! I want to live! Surprisingly, I want to travel! At some point, I'd like to become more independent! And gosh darn it, if I want to be in a relationship with someone who genuinely appreciates me and who I genuinely appreciate, who loves me and whom I love, then I will do so. What I do in my relationships from here on out is nobody's goddamn business except my own. I realize I am 18 and plenty of adults will laugh and think I'm so cute, but we are all 18 once. This is what I want to do with my 18.
Anyway, Ptarckas is home now, but I'm really glad he got to come down. We didn't do much aside from watch movies- he didn't see much of this town, but then again, he was coming to see me, not the city. There was lots and lots of snuggling- we are snuggly people- and many I love yous. He is turning out to be a very good boyfriend for me- we seem to want similar things out of a relationship, we get along really well, and... well, I realize that compatibility isn't exactly what makes or breaks a relationship, but I think some people just click. It even happens with friends- you meet someone who you can talk to all the time, who is always friends with you even when you don't see each other for a long, long time. Obviously it happens in romantic relationships too. We just... work, on some level. That doesn't mean that Ptarckas is the only person in the whole world who clicks with me like that, obviously, and I'm not going to run around saying he's my soul mate because soul mates are bs. I may love very few people in my life, or I may love many. But that's not something I need to worry about right now.
I found myself getting very philosophical this weekend. As I grow, I find I am turning into a very responsible person very fast, someone who uses reason and good sense to remain calm and focused. I'm very happy for that because it means I am rarely unstable. I don't like being unstable
Anyway. This post kind of veered. The original point was, my parents cannot just be happy that I am studying something I love or dating someone I love, there must always be success and support in that. I must make money to be stable, comfortable, settled. I must date only people who I could later marry, and those people must be on the path to being stable, comfortable, settled. And yet I watch all my friends have fun, party, get drunk, go out, live and do crazy things. I don't want to do those things, but my friends are still an inspiration to me. They make me realize that there are other paths out there besides the one I am following, which is the one I have been pushed towards my whole life. They travel, they work, they go to school, and all in a million different orders to study a million different things. It's really awesome to watch as each of them does their own thing, becomes their own person. It makes me want to try and be myself more, whoever I am. I don't get that from my parents, wise as they may seem to be.
yer pal,
swegan
I swear I am going through a late teenage rebellion phase. I had my boyfriend over this weekend, and it was very, very awkward. My parents keep saying that everything needs to still be covered up at this point, and keep saying "we're just worried" while continuing to insinuate that if I'm not dating someone marriageable I shouldn't be dating, casually mentioning that a starter-home they went to see on the weekend was $530K and oop, don't you need a husband who can help you pay for that? It's like, jesus fucking christ, I am 18 years old. I am not getting married. I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. Besides, I am not worried about my future. I am doing well. I am working hard and trying to take advantage of things and keep my head up and that is going fine. I will go good places if I keep this up. I am not worried about myself in the slightest, especially since I have no desire to get married at all for like 5 or 10 years. I'm young! I want to live! Surprisingly, I want to travel! At some point, I'd like to become more independent! And gosh darn it, if I want to be in a relationship with someone who genuinely appreciates me and who I genuinely appreciate, who loves me and whom I love, then I will do so. What I do in my relationships from here on out is nobody's goddamn business except my own. I realize I am 18 and plenty of adults will laugh and think I'm so cute, but we are all 18 once. This is what I want to do with my 18.
Anyway, Ptarckas is home now, but I'm really glad he got to come down. We didn't do much aside from watch movies- he didn't see much of this town, but then again, he was coming to see me, not the city. There was lots and lots of snuggling- we are snuggly people- and many I love yous. He is turning out to be a very good boyfriend for me- we seem to want similar things out of a relationship, we get along really well, and... well, I realize that compatibility isn't exactly what makes or breaks a relationship, but I think some people just click. It even happens with friends- you meet someone who you can talk to all the time, who is always friends with you even when you don't see each other for a long, long time. Obviously it happens in romantic relationships too. We just... work, on some level. That doesn't mean that Ptarckas is the only person in the whole world who clicks with me like that, obviously, and I'm not going to run around saying he's my soul mate because soul mates are bs. I may love very few people in my life, or I may love many. But that's not something I need to worry about right now.
I found myself getting very philosophical this weekend. As I grow, I find I am turning into a very responsible person very fast, someone who uses reason and good sense to remain calm and focused. I'm very happy for that because it means I am rarely unstable. I don't like being unstable
Anyway. This post kind of veered. The original point was, my parents cannot just be happy that I am studying something I love or dating someone I love, there must always be success and support in that. I must make money to be stable, comfortable, settled. I must date only people who I could later marry, and those people must be on the path to being stable, comfortable, settled. And yet I watch all my friends have fun, party, get drunk, go out, live and do crazy things. I don't want to do those things, but my friends are still an inspiration to me. They make me realize that there are other paths out there besides the one I am following, which is the one I have been pushed towards my whole life. They travel, they work, they go to school, and all in a million different orders to study a million different things. It's really awesome to watch as each of them does their own thing, becomes their own person. It makes me want to try and be myself more, whoever I am. I don't get that from my parents, wise as they may seem to be.
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, December 7, 2013
On my parents
Becoming an adult is weird.
I was definitely one of those teenagers who trusted my parents quite a bit. I sought out advice from them frequently, and often followed unwanted advice because I knew it was the right thing to do (although it pissed me off that I couldn't just figure things out for myself a lot of the time). I'm still quite close to them, and we get along very well, but I have this trouble with thinking of them as being wrong about anything. My parents are both very intelligent, and I find it incredibly difficult to argue with them, especially since they agree on a lot of things and back each other up.
The issue of "do what you love" vs. "do what will get you a career" is an interesting one, as it is for everyone. On one hand, I think my parents have a point emphasizing that my life will have much less stress in it if I have a secure career or employment of some sort, but I think that's the whole reason why they pushed me away from the arts, that's the whole reason why when I was 6 they violently shattered the dream I had of being an artist. At the time I had thought that people just picked whatever job they wanted and grew up to do that and they would be okay and have enough money, and my mom's saying "Well sure, you can be an artist... if you want to starve" really stopped that train in its tracks. And I feel like my entire life, it's been that way- no matter what career I've picked, they've found a way to find its worst aspect and play that up to me. It's not just me, either- my sister has probably had it worse than me, because I eventually took an interest in science.
And I don't regret that. Science is interesting, science is fascinating, science is what I want to work in. But at the same time I hate the idea that it pleases them, these parents who want me to succeed so badly that they've chased all the other dreams away, whether it was the dream of being an artist at 6 or a writer at 12, or even a researcher at 17. And all the time when people ask why I'm studying biology, career always comes up. I was discussing it with the PM for EPASS, and he stopped me and said "yeah, but are you studying biology because you love it or because you can get a job in it?" and I stopped and thought and said I was hoping that I could find a balance there- something I loved that was reasonable and would probably result in some career stability.
The other thing is that my parents are giving me a lot of financial support- without them, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. They've always thought that it's important to support me (and my siblings) as we get an education, so that we can (and I indirectly quote), "get a good job and do the same for our kids." Which is a nice sentiment. But at the same time it makes me feel like I have to get a good job in order to qualify for that financial support, and that's stressful. It would be nice, yes, to be able to do university on my own terms, but now I feel like I'm not allowed to drop a class or fail anything, since I'm not the one footing the bill. Going to university for five years costs more money, so I'd sure as hell better graduate in four or head into med school or something along those lines. And I just hate that. I feel like prioritizing school is important, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I can't prioritize anything else. It also makes me feel pretty useless. I'm horrendously bad at finding volunteering opportunities, which makes me miss being a part of NHS last year, and I know volunteering gives such a good sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're actually doing something and I miss it so much but volunteer opportunities just intimidate me. It was hard enough to go to the nursing home and do things.
I think I might need to accept the fact that I might be introverted, just a little bit. It wouldn't be surprising, now that I think about it- there's lots of introverts in my family. My dad is like that, he's quiet and doesn't talk much, but he has a circle of people he really cares about and cares for. My sister is painfully shy and has close friends who she talks with about anything (I feel privileged to be one of those friends, although it's not that surprising since I've known her all her life). I have an uncle whom I've only seen about three times in my life, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I get the feeling he's just not a very social person.
My mom, though, has always pushed it on me that I need to spend time with my friends, that I need to call them to have three hour phone conversations, because otherwise they wouldn't feel like I loved them or appreciated them. And for her it was so easy to call up friends and chat; for me, using the phone has only recently become not horribly terrifying. It used to make me cry, the idea of trying to call up friends. I prefer electronic communication, but my mother has always insisted that it's not good enough, it's not instant enough, you'll never get an answer unless you just call them, honey. But I don't want to, calling is so intrusive, it demands your attention NOW, whereas a text can wait there until you are ready to respond. Besides, I used to be ridiculously terrified of dialing a wrong number.
I am just now thinking maybe there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out on weekends, with only wanting to spend time with select people, with wanting to spend time with myself. Maybe I am introverted and maybe I like being alone and maybe there's actually nothing wrong with that when I've been lead to believe my whole life that that's abnormal and weird, what weird people do, and I'll never be successful and happy if I don't do that.
Maybe it's okay that I like to spend a lot of time with myself. Maybe it's okay to find comfort in that. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and it's not like I want to excommunicate myself completely. I will reach a point at which I need social contact, and that is why I have my circle of friends.
It's just very liberating to be able to think, no, my parents aren't always right, and not have them here to contradict it. For so long I have been stiflingly close to them and not allowed to make a lot of my own decisions about my own life. However, now that I think about it, isn't the money in my RESP my money? As in, if I want to take five years to go to school instead of the traditional four so that I can have more time for volunteering or just feeling less stressed, I can do that? I'm starting to think it might be nice even to just have that option. My classes next semester all sound so terribly difficult- chemistry (now it's harder), math (also harder), biology (this one's okay), women's and gender studies (the essays in here might kill me), and astrophysics (I am now severely worried about the physics part). Although.... didn't I think last semester that philosophy might be a big pile of awful and hard? Philosophy turned out to be very interesting and even though I have been saying for the past couple of weeks that I might not take any more, that might be a lie... I might take more philosophy. Fuck, I need arts credits, and not a lot of arts courses interest me. Maybe one of these classes will be too hard, but I did just have an epiphany.
I thought, you know what, if I need to drop a class and I've carefully considered all the factors and come to the conclusion that it's the right decision, it is my life and my choice to make, after all. And if it turns out to be a mistake, then so what? Aren't I supposed to make mistakes? Am I not supposed to try things and make my own path, or something like that? This is my life, not my parents', and while I greatly appreciate their support, I can't let it be control.
Part of this involves my relationship as well. It is not up to my parents to tell me what I am and am not ready for, it is up to me and me alone. They are not the ones dating this boy, I am, and even though it's weird for me to think of myself as a grownup, I am a grownup now. I think I am doing just fine so far. And if they do pull out the financial support rug, well, I've got some savings, I'll figure something out. But my parents still care about me, and in the end, I should seriously figure out if Registered Education Savings Plans are actually money that now belongs to me to use towards my education or if that's still my parents' money.
I think I also need some sleep. I still have a lot of studying to do. On my own terms, of course, which means sleeping in past breakfast (although today's Saturday, so brunch is on for the weekend, yessssss) again and then wasting time until lunch (or brunch b/c WEEKEND), and then working all afternoon.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I was definitely one of those teenagers who trusted my parents quite a bit. I sought out advice from them frequently, and often followed unwanted advice because I knew it was the right thing to do (although it pissed me off that I couldn't just figure things out for myself a lot of the time). I'm still quite close to them, and we get along very well, but I have this trouble with thinking of them as being wrong about anything. My parents are both very intelligent, and I find it incredibly difficult to argue with them, especially since they agree on a lot of things and back each other up.
The issue of "do what you love" vs. "do what will get you a career" is an interesting one, as it is for everyone. On one hand, I think my parents have a point emphasizing that my life will have much less stress in it if I have a secure career or employment of some sort, but I think that's the whole reason why they pushed me away from the arts, that's the whole reason why when I was 6 they violently shattered the dream I had of being an artist. At the time I had thought that people just picked whatever job they wanted and grew up to do that and they would be okay and have enough money, and my mom's saying "Well sure, you can be an artist... if you want to starve" really stopped that train in its tracks. And I feel like my entire life, it's been that way- no matter what career I've picked, they've found a way to find its worst aspect and play that up to me. It's not just me, either- my sister has probably had it worse than me, because I eventually took an interest in science.
And I don't regret that. Science is interesting, science is fascinating, science is what I want to work in. But at the same time I hate the idea that it pleases them, these parents who want me to succeed so badly that they've chased all the other dreams away, whether it was the dream of being an artist at 6 or a writer at 12, or even a researcher at 17. And all the time when people ask why I'm studying biology, career always comes up. I was discussing it with the PM for EPASS, and he stopped me and said "yeah, but are you studying biology because you love it or because you can get a job in it?" and I stopped and thought and said I was hoping that I could find a balance there- something I loved that was reasonable and would probably result in some career stability.
The other thing is that my parents are giving me a lot of financial support- without them, I definitely wouldn't be here right now. They've always thought that it's important to support me (and my siblings) as we get an education, so that we can (and I indirectly quote), "get a good job and do the same for our kids." Which is a nice sentiment. But at the same time it makes me feel like I have to get a good job in order to qualify for that financial support, and that's stressful. It would be nice, yes, to be able to do university on my own terms, but now I feel like I'm not allowed to drop a class or fail anything, since I'm not the one footing the bill. Going to university for five years costs more money, so I'd sure as hell better graduate in four or head into med school or something along those lines. And I just hate that. I feel like prioritizing school is important, but at the same time, it makes me feel like I can't prioritize anything else. It also makes me feel pretty useless. I'm horrendously bad at finding volunteering opportunities, which makes me miss being a part of NHS last year, and I know volunteering gives such a good sense of purpose and makes you feel like you're actually doing something and I miss it so much but volunteer opportunities just intimidate me. It was hard enough to go to the nursing home and do things.
I think I might need to accept the fact that I might be introverted, just a little bit. It wouldn't be surprising, now that I think about it- there's lots of introverts in my family. My dad is like that, he's quiet and doesn't talk much, but he has a circle of people he really cares about and cares for. My sister is painfully shy and has close friends who she talks with about anything (I feel privileged to be one of those friends, although it's not that surprising since I've known her all her life). I have an uncle whom I've only seen about three times in my life, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I get the feeling he's just not a very social person.
My mom, though, has always pushed it on me that I need to spend time with my friends, that I need to call them to have three hour phone conversations, because otherwise they wouldn't feel like I loved them or appreciated them. And for her it was so easy to call up friends and chat; for me, using the phone has only recently become not horribly terrifying. It used to make me cry, the idea of trying to call up friends. I prefer electronic communication, but my mother has always insisted that it's not good enough, it's not instant enough, you'll never get an answer unless you just call them, honey. But I don't want to, calling is so intrusive, it demands your attention NOW, whereas a text can wait there until you are ready to respond. Besides, I used to be ridiculously terrified of dialing a wrong number.
I am just now thinking maybe there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out on weekends, with only wanting to spend time with select people, with wanting to spend time with myself. Maybe I am introverted and maybe I like being alone and maybe there's actually nothing wrong with that when I've been lead to believe my whole life that that's abnormal and weird, what weird people do, and I'll never be successful and happy if I don't do that.
Maybe it's okay that I like to spend a lot of time with myself. Maybe it's okay to find comfort in that. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and it's not like I want to excommunicate myself completely. I will reach a point at which I need social contact, and that is why I have my circle of friends.
It's just very liberating to be able to think, no, my parents aren't always right, and not have them here to contradict it. For so long I have been stiflingly close to them and not allowed to make a lot of my own decisions about my own life. However, now that I think about it, isn't the money in my RESP my money? As in, if I want to take five years to go to school instead of the traditional four so that I can have more time for volunteering or just feeling less stressed, I can do that? I'm starting to think it might be nice even to just have that option. My classes next semester all sound so terribly difficult- chemistry (now it's harder), math (also harder), biology (this one's okay), women's and gender studies (the essays in here might kill me), and astrophysics (I am now severely worried about the physics part). Although.... didn't I think last semester that philosophy might be a big pile of awful and hard? Philosophy turned out to be very interesting and even though I have been saying for the past couple of weeks that I might not take any more, that might be a lie... I might take more philosophy. Fuck, I need arts credits, and not a lot of arts courses interest me. Maybe one of these classes will be too hard, but I did just have an epiphany.
I thought, you know what, if I need to drop a class and I've carefully considered all the factors and come to the conclusion that it's the right decision, it is my life and my choice to make, after all. And if it turns out to be a mistake, then so what? Aren't I supposed to make mistakes? Am I not supposed to try things and make my own path, or something like that? This is my life, not my parents', and while I greatly appreciate their support, I can't let it be control.
Part of this involves my relationship as well. It is not up to my parents to tell me what I am and am not ready for, it is up to me and me alone. They are not the ones dating this boy, I am, and even though it's weird for me to think of myself as a grownup, I am a grownup now. I think I am doing just fine so far. And if they do pull out the financial support rug, well, I've got some savings, I'll figure something out. But my parents still care about me, and in the end, I should seriously figure out if Registered Education Savings Plans are actually money that now belongs to me to use towards my education or if that's still my parents' money.
I think I also need some sleep. I still have a lot of studying to do. On my own terms, of course, which means sleeping in past breakfast (although today's Saturday, so brunch is on for the weekend, yessssss) again and then wasting time until lunch (or brunch b/c WEEKEND), and then working all afternoon.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Okay but I have a serious question for you guys
Let's pretend we're 12 again.
I mean I know that's not the funnest thing for some of us to do, and there's probably some people out there who, at 12, were slightly more rational than most. I was not one of those people. 12 year old me, as I've said many times, was a gigantic idiot who ended up messing up her life quite a few times. 12 year old me was ridiculed and embarrassed more than I'd like to admit. 12 year old me had it rough at school. I am assuming that is because 12 year old me looked like a 7 year old, and all the other girls looked like, well, 14 year olds, and because I was smart and had a big mouth and could never keep it shut. (I'd like to say 13 year old me learned from these mistakes. On some level perhaps she did, but she was still very stupid. 14 year old me got quite an education when I switched schools and learned how to be a regular person who was capable of expressing things in a normal way and did not have crushes on assholes who ruined her life) (I mean okay on some level Nerd is a bit of an asshole, to the point where I don't like talking to him much... but compared to the assholes I had to deal with in middle school, he's a saint).
For some reason, I go back to being 12 a lot. And lately- well, less so since I moved far far away and started a new life far away from everything I knew, which, though it means cutting out a lot of good, familiar things, also means getting away from poisonous memories- I have been doing it more and more.
And it's always because of my stupid nickname.
My friends all use it now... well, some of them do. Just today when I said goodbye to Lucy, she called me by my nickname. I use it. I use it on a lot of sites because "swegan" is an unusual nickname and it is not usually taken by anyone else. I like this nickname on some level. It's realistic- a cool spin on my actual name. But it was thought up and popularized by a bunch of assholes who made my life miserable in middle school, and for some reason I just never got rid of it and now I'm kind of realizing that that's confusing me.
I mean, just... I can never change where this nickname got its origins from. I can't, it will always be from him, that poisonous boy who broke my heart. It will always be from that time, when I was stupid and naive and unwittingly got myself into a whole mess of trouble. I can't change the way it comes from a tainted beginning. I can't change any of that.
But then I think, well, by continuing to use it, am I not totally defying those origins? I'm sure that nickname was born out of hate or something, some desire on his part to embarrass me and make me sad. All of my other middle school nicknames (smeagol, gollum (ever so briefly), melchy) were. But then maybe it wasn't. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I got that nickname before things got bad. He was just annoying me. I was fun to tease at that point. I've always been fun to tease and it's something I hate about myself. But they could get a reaction out of me, so they did, and it amused them to no end, and of course 12 year old me loved the attention because I was a nerdy loser. Later, when he found out, things got nasty. And not a lot of things happened, I can tell you that. There were maybe 8 incidents over two years, but it was so clear during that whole time that the hate those incidents were born out of never went away. It was like background noise.
But if it was a nickname intended to be a weapon, then am I defying those origins by continuing to use it? By saying "well, you know what, I actually like this nickname so I'm going to keep it and you can't do anything about it" am I giving him a giant middle finger? I really don't think so.
What I think is that I'm hanging on to middle school for some reason. It was horrible, it was. But for some reason none of that mattered after middle school to everyone else. On some level I'm convinced that I shouldn't be so affected by this. Why don't I just forget about it and move on? All my tormentors clearly have. Nobody else seems to think about the bullies from their past as often as I do. And my bullying wasn't even that bad. I mean, sure, it was sick and twisted because I liked him and I can't for the life of me remember why since nothing about him is in any way likable. But why am I still not over this? Why is it this that I can't get past? For christ's sake, I had my heart broken last year by a boy who was actually a decent person and I got over that just fine. We're even friends... sort of. Well, at any rate we're decent to each other, which is really great.
I feel stupid for even thinking about middle school. I should just forget all of the bad times, pretend like they never happened. I mean, well, maybe not that. But I should be able to say "what's in the past is what's in the past and I can't change it", but I can't do that and I'm driving myself up the wall trying to figure out why. I just want to be done with it. All of it.
Sometimes I think it's because maybe people admire people more who have come from adversity and made something of themselves. Maybe I latch onto it for that. Maybe I like to pretend I, too, was a victim of bullying, when in reality it was just made all the worse by a stupid crush. I don't really have any right to claim that this has scarred me and I don't feel like it has, but then there's always the matter of my nickname to come back to.
I've considered dropping it. I've considered asking people to stop calling me swegan, to sign my blog posts something else even though I can never change my nickname, and then I think of all the other internet sites I have a membership to with this nickname, and I realize it's impossible to get it out of my life. But I feel like by using it I'm just dragging a useless past into my future and I need to stop doing that and the only way I can think of is to just stop using it actively. Come up with new nicknames for sites. Christ, though, I signed up for my math homework site with this nickname. It's just so fucking convenient.
But I can't discern for myself whether taking this nickname and using it to describe myself is a good idea or not. I know I should be able to decide that for myself but clearly I can't.
I know it sounds really stupid. I know I need to get over this, stop acting like middle school was some horrible thing that happened to me when really it wasn't all bad, stop acting like it's affected my development because it hasn't. I graduated high school with a provincial diploma and an IB diploma. I've written research papers galore. I've done tons of piano exams. I managed to make a new circle of friends with great people who are really nice to me and treat me like a human being worthy of respect and love and I love them to death for doing that. I'm in university already- and a great one at that, doing well. I've written about 6 novels, though only 4 of them are marginally readable, and only 1 is one I feel like I could edit into something great. I have this whole future ahead of me. Not to mention my self esteem is fine- no eating disorders, no mental disorders, nothing. I've never harmed myself. I've learned to love myself and have confidence and try to be kind to others and help them if I can. I volunteered throughout my last two years of high school and have grown up to be very principled. So why the actual fuck am I still wasting brain space thinking about a time when I was none of that at all? When I was just a kid having a slightly rough time because of slightly stupid choices? Why do I even care that I kept a nickname from middle school?
Well if I've learned anything through this big-ass ramble it's that I don't even fucking know and I don't think I ever will and even though it makes me feel like I'm 12 all over again I'll never quite get over middle school, which sounds really, really stupid, but then so did 80% of the things I said when I was 12.
But the question is... do I keep the nickname? Aside from how impossible it is to remove, I know I could theoretically move forward and never use that nickname again, eradicate it from my life as much as I possibly can, leave it in the past like the rest of my past. I mean I'd have to find a new nickname, but I'm sure I'd manage.
Just thought I'd put that out there, because I know that this blog is getting hits and so people must be reading the stuff I write at least some of the time, yes? Also because last time I checked I knew about 5 friends that know about this blog but I am guessing it became a bit too boring for them to check every day or something- which I understand, and as I've said before, the point of this whole thing isn't to get comments, it's just to write shit and have it be publicly viewable even if none of the public is viewing it. The idea that people could read it is enough for me, and so is that question.
Nickname: Yes or No?
yer pal,
I mean I know that's not the funnest thing for some of us to do, and there's probably some people out there who, at 12, were slightly more rational than most. I was not one of those people. 12 year old me, as I've said many times, was a gigantic idiot who ended up messing up her life quite a few times. 12 year old me was ridiculed and embarrassed more than I'd like to admit. 12 year old me had it rough at school. I am assuming that is because 12 year old me looked like a 7 year old, and all the other girls looked like, well, 14 year olds, and because I was smart and had a big mouth and could never keep it shut. (I'd like to say 13 year old me learned from these mistakes. On some level perhaps she did, but she was still very stupid. 14 year old me got quite an education when I switched schools and learned how to be a regular person who was capable of expressing things in a normal way and did not have crushes on assholes who ruined her life) (I mean okay on some level Nerd is a bit of an asshole, to the point where I don't like talking to him much... but compared to the assholes I had to deal with in middle school, he's a saint).
For some reason, I go back to being 12 a lot. And lately- well, less so since I moved far far away and started a new life far away from everything I knew, which, though it means cutting out a lot of good, familiar things, also means getting away from poisonous memories- I have been doing it more and more.
And it's always because of my stupid nickname.
My friends all use it now... well, some of them do. Just today when I said goodbye to Lucy, she called me by my nickname. I use it. I use it on a lot of sites because "swegan" is an unusual nickname and it is not usually taken by anyone else. I like this nickname on some level. It's realistic- a cool spin on my actual name. But it was thought up and popularized by a bunch of assholes who made my life miserable in middle school, and for some reason I just never got rid of it and now I'm kind of realizing that that's confusing me.
I mean, just... I can never change where this nickname got its origins from. I can't, it will always be from him, that poisonous boy who broke my heart. It will always be from that time, when I was stupid and naive and unwittingly got myself into a whole mess of trouble. I can't change the way it comes from a tainted beginning. I can't change any of that.
But then I think, well, by continuing to use it, am I not totally defying those origins? I'm sure that nickname was born out of hate or something, some desire on his part to embarrass me and make me sad. All of my other middle school nicknames (smeagol, gollum (ever so briefly), melchy) were. But then maybe it wasn't. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I got that nickname before things got bad. He was just annoying me. I was fun to tease at that point. I've always been fun to tease and it's something I hate about myself. But they could get a reaction out of me, so they did, and it amused them to no end, and of course 12 year old me loved the attention because I was a nerdy loser. Later, when he found out, things got nasty. And not a lot of things happened, I can tell you that. There were maybe 8 incidents over two years, but it was so clear during that whole time that the hate those incidents were born out of never went away. It was like background noise.
But if it was a nickname intended to be a weapon, then am I defying those origins by continuing to use it? By saying "well, you know what, I actually like this nickname so I'm going to keep it and you can't do anything about it" am I giving him a giant middle finger? I really don't think so.
What I think is that I'm hanging on to middle school for some reason. It was horrible, it was. But for some reason none of that mattered after middle school to everyone else. On some level I'm convinced that I shouldn't be so affected by this. Why don't I just forget about it and move on? All my tormentors clearly have. Nobody else seems to think about the bullies from their past as often as I do. And my bullying wasn't even that bad. I mean, sure, it was sick and twisted because I liked him and I can't for the life of me remember why since nothing about him is in any way likable. But why am I still not over this? Why is it this that I can't get past? For christ's sake, I had my heart broken last year by a boy who was actually a decent person and I got over that just fine. We're even friends... sort of. Well, at any rate we're decent to each other, which is really great.
I feel stupid for even thinking about middle school. I should just forget all of the bad times, pretend like they never happened. I mean, well, maybe not that. But I should be able to say "what's in the past is what's in the past and I can't change it", but I can't do that and I'm driving myself up the wall trying to figure out why. I just want to be done with it. All of it.
Sometimes I think it's because maybe people admire people more who have come from adversity and made something of themselves. Maybe I latch onto it for that. Maybe I like to pretend I, too, was a victim of bullying, when in reality it was just made all the worse by a stupid crush. I don't really have any right to claim that this has scarred me and I don't feel like it has, but then there's always the matter of my nickname to come back to.
I've considered dropping it. I've considered asking people to stop calling me swegan, to sign my blog posts something else even though I can never change my nickname, and then I think of all the other internet sites I have a membership to with this nickname, and I realize it's impossible to get it out of my life. But I feel like by using it I'm just dragging a useless past into my future and I need to stop doing that and the only way I can think of is to just stop using it actively. Come up with new nicknames for sites. Christ, though, I signed up for my math homework site with this nickname. It's just so fucking convenient.
But I can't discern for myself whether taking this nickname and using it to describe myself is a good idea or not. I know I should be able to decide that for myself but clearly I can't.
I know it sounds really stupid. I know I need to get over this, stop acting like middle school was some horrible thing that happened to me when really it wasn't all bad, stop acting like it's affected my development because it hasn't. I graduated high school with a provincial diploma and an IB diploma. I've written research papers galore. I've done tons of piano exams. I managed to make a new circle of friends with great people who are really nice to me and treat me like a human being worthy of respect and love and I love them to death for doing that. I'm in university already- and a great one at that, doing well. I've written about 6 novels, though only 4 of them are marginally readable, and only 1 is one I feel like I could edit into something great. I have this whole future ahead of me. Not to mention my self esteem is fine- no eating disorders, no mental disorders, nothing. I've never harmed myself. I've learned to love myself and have confidence and try to be kind to others and help them if I can. I volunteered throughout my last two years of high school and have grown up to be very principled. So why the actual fuck am I still wasting brain space thinking about a time when I was none of that at all? When I was just a kid having a slightly rough time because of slightly stupid choices? Why do I even care that I kept a nickname from middle school?
Well if I've learned anything through this big-ass ramble it's that I don't even fucking know and I don't think I ever will and even though it makes me feel like I'm 12 all over again I'll never quite get over middle school, which sounds really, really stupid, but then so did 80% of the things I said when I was 12.
But the question is... do I keep the nickname? Aside from how impossible it is to remove, I know I could theoretically move forward and never use that nickname again, eradicate it from my life as much as I possibly can, leave it in the past like the rest of my past. I mean I'd have to find a new nickname, but I'm sure I'd manage.
Just thought I'd put that out there, because I know that this blog is getting hits and so people must be reading the stuff I write at least some of the time, yes? Also because last time I checked I knew about 5 friends that know about this blog but I am guessing it became a bit too boring for them to check every day or something- which I understand, and as I've said before, the point of this whole thing isn't to get comments, it's just to write shit and have it be publicly viewable even if none of the public is viewing it. The idea that people could read it is enough for me, and so is that question.
Nickname: Yes or No?
yer pal,
Monday, September 2, 2013
UNIVERSITY
I now understand how bloggers disappear from their blogs for months at a time. I have been hella busy- busy packing, busy saying goodbye to friends, busy finalizing things for university, busy driving up to university, busy buying the rest of the stuff for my apartment/residence/thing (I will call it my apartment in the future but it's kind of like a starter apartment- it's a fantastic setup and I love it here), busy setting that up, and then today I was busy with Orientation. It went from 9-5 and holy butts that was so long. Tomorrow it goes from 9-8:30 b/c of the president's address and whatnot... and then classes start. I only have three classes on Wednesday that start at 9 AM with an hour break between each- plenty of time to read up on the syllabus and buy books and stuff, I hope.
We had to go to a seminar today called "University 101" which explained how university was different from high school. To me university just sounds like IB but with more study time, and more free time as well. I'm not taking 7 classes from 8-3 every single day like in high school- I have lab classes, my seminars are all apparently nonexistent and I am not required to show up for them (my bio seminars are cancelled altogether), and the only sucky day is Tuesday because I have an 8 AM lab and then a night class that goes until 9:30. I've sort of accepted that Tuesday is not a day for major studying/homeworking. The rest of the days, however, I'm done at 2. I live about ten or fifteen minutes from campus, which is great (this is by walking, I mean) and I really, really love the campus. It's so beautiful and easier to get around and navigate than I thought, plus there's a hockey rink in the PE building. I'm hoping that rink has public skating hours or just free skating hours or something- I brought my skates and I would love to be able to just go and skate around once a week.
I did bring my car but parking is a big giant mess and I won't actually know where I'm supposed to park until Wednesday. I think I have a spot no matter what, but I might not end up using the car much at all so I might just take it home at thanksgiving. It makes me sad to think of not having my jeep with me, but as a university student I have free access to all public transportation here- the buses, the light rail transit trains, and whatever else. I love that- I can get pretty much anywhere for free with a little bit of walking. Plus I live not even a block from safeway and a 24-hour London Drugs or Shoppers Drug Mart or whatever, and there's a bank near me too. Not to mention the street I live on is infamous for being a good shopping street- it's close to the university, too, so there's lots of restaurants as well as boutiques and it just looks like such a fun street to be on.
AND HOLY WOW THE UNIVERSITY HAS SO MANY RESOURCES LIKE SHIIIIIIIT. All this mental health stuff and student help and academic help and even an insurance plan for things like dental and vision... like geez. I have no doubt that I'll be able to get help if I need it.
So... in a nutshell, university is amazing. I am still very homesick for my hometown, because it was quiet and small (or at least smaller than this) and I knew all the main roads and I could pretty much get anywhere- it was so small in geographical SIZE compared to here, not to mention the population's probably more than ten times as great. It's not really a big city here, but it's big to me. Actually it looks like a big city in the middle of a forest- there's trees EVERYWHERE. I love it so much. Unfortunately in the winter most of those trees will lose their leaves, and apparently the winters here are real winters unlike my hometown, so that'll take some getting used to.
It's weird though because I think a lot of kids that go there are from there and I am so jealous of them. They're able to bus in or drive in or take the LRT and then go home at the end of the day. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back home at the end of every day. Unfortunately, home is a 6 hour drive away.
The only other unfortunate thing is that for the first week, the university is all "woo welcome to university here are some events to go to, some of which are free provided you have your university ID and your regular ID because you have to be 18+" AND I AM STILL 17 FOR ANOTHER FUCKING MONTH LIKE UGH I CAN'T GO TO ANYTHING. Plus going to those events enters you into draws to win fun prizes and shit, unless you're a minor like me and can't join in the university fun because you're not old enough yet. Late birthdays kind of suck sometimes. I can't even go out to bars with people for a whole 'nother month and I am very upset about that. Unfortunately I can't do anything about it so I just have to suck it up and stay home and watch netflix and study, I guess.
I'm kind of scared of my classes, though. I can only hope IB has prepared me... and I guess the one science building here is really nice to study in (it's all air conditioned and modern with lots of comfy chairs... and I love the libraries here). I think I've got a study method worked out in my head that I'll try, and I have mucho experience with heavy workloads.
UGH I AM A NERVOUS WRECK THOUGH. There's no time to do anything anymore. I have to do laundry and tidy up a little still and talk with people and go to orientation and then go to class and buy books and read things and make notes and review notes and etc etc etc. I don't like being busy all the time, I like having a nice semi-leisurely schedule so that I can at least have some free time to, I don't know, watch old episodes of Glee or read a book or take a nap or something. But now it's 10:03 PM and I have to go to bed to be up for breakfast at 7 AM.
They say the first semester goes by really fast, though. I hope it kind of does- I'm looking forward to Christmas break and being able to relax a little at home.
Anyway, I'm going to watch a video on the science behind naps now so I can try and take full advantage of them. I should have learned this last year and I learned my lesson the hard way. I need to be able to nap effectively.
SORRY FOR TALKING ABOUT UNIVERSITY SO MUCH BUT IT IS LITERALLY MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT AS A FLEDGLING UNDERGRAD IN FIRST YEAR SO BEAR WITH ME.
yer pal,
swegan :)
We had to go to a seminar today called "University 101" which explained how university was different from high school. To me university just sounds like IB but with more study time, and more free time as well. I'm not taking 7 classes from 8-3 every single day like in high school- I have lab classes, my seminars are all apparently nonexistent and I am not required to show up for them (my bio seminars are cancelled altogether), and the only sucky day is Tuesday because I have an 8 AM lab and then a night class that goes until 9:30. I've sort of accepted that Tuesday is not a day for major studying/homeworking. The rest of the days, however, I'm done at 2. I live about ten or fifteen minutes from campus, which is great (this is by walking, I mean) and I really, really love the campus. It's so beautiful and easier to get around and navigate than I thought, plus there's a hockey rink in the PE building. I'm hoping that rink has public skating hours or just free skating hours or something- I brought my skates and I would love to be able to just go and skate around once a week.
I did bring my car but parking is a big giant mess and I won't actually know where I'm supposed to park until Wednesday. I think I have a spot no matter what, but I might not end up using the car much at all so I might just take it home at thanksgiving. It makes me sad to think of not having my jeep with me, but as a university student I have free access to all public transportation here- the buses, the light rail transit trains, and whatever else. I love that- I can get pretty much anywhere for free with a little bit of walking. Plus I live not even a block from safeway and a 24-hour London Drugs or Shoppers Drug Mart or whatever, and there's a bank near me too. Not to mention the street I live on is infamous for being a good shopping street- it's close to the university, too, so there's lots of restaurants as well as boutiques and it just looks like such a fun street to be on.
AND HOLY WOW THE UNIVERSITY HAS SO MANY RESOURCES LIKE SHIIIIIIIT. All this mental health stuff and student help and academic help and even an insurance plan for things like dental and vision... like geez. I have no doubt that I'll be able to get help if I need it.
So... in a nutshell, university is amazing. I am still very homesick for my hometown, because it was quiet and small (or at least smaller than this) and I knew all the main roads and I could pretty much get anywhere- it was so small in geographical SIZE compared to here, not to mention the population's probably more than ten times as great. It's not really a big city here, but it's big to me. Actually it looks like a big city in the middle of a forest- there's trees EVERYWHERE. I love it so much. Unfortunately in the winter most of those trees will lose their leaves, and apparently the winters here are real winters unlike my hometown, so that'll take some getting used to.
It's weird though because I think a lot of kids that go there are from there and I am so jealous of them. They're able to bus in or drive in or take the LRT and then go home at the end of the day. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back home at the end of every day. Unfortunately, home is a 6 hour drive away.
The only other unfortunate thing is that for the first week, the university is all "woo welcome to university here are some events to go to, some of which are free provided you have your university ID and your regular ID because you have to be 18+" AND I AM STILL 17 FOR ANOTHER FUCKING MONTH LIKE UGH I CAN'T GO TO ANYTHING. Plus going to those events enters you into draws to win fun prizes and shit, unless you're a minor like me and can't join in the university fun because you're not old enough yet. Late birthdays kind of suck sometimes. I can't even go out to bars with people for a whole 'nother month and I am very upset about that. Unfortunately I can't do anything about it so I just have to suck it up and stay home and watch netflix and study, I guess.
I'm kind of scared of my classes, though. I can only hope IB has prepared me... and I guess the one science building here is really nice to study in (it's all air conditioned and modern with lots of comfy chairs... and I love the libraries here). I think I've got a study method worked out in my head that I'll try, and I have mucho experience with heavy workloads.
UGH I AM A NERVOUS WRECK THOUGH. There's no time to do anything anymore. I have to do laundry and tidy up a little still and talk with people and go to orientation and then go to class and buy books and read things and make notes and review notes and etc etc etc. I don't like being busy all the time, I like having a nice semi-leisurely schedule so that I can at least have some free time to, I don't know, watch old episodes of Glee or read a book or take a nap or something. But now it's 10:03 PM and I have to go to bed to be up for breakfast at 7 AM.
They say the first semester goes by really fast, though. I hope it kind of does- I'm looking forward to Christmas break and being able to relax a little at home.
Anyway, I'm going to watch a video on the science behind naps now so I can try and take full advantage of them. I should have learned this last year and I learned my lesson the hard way. I need to be able to nap effectively.
SORRY FOR TALKING ABOUT UNIVERSITY SO MUCH BUT IT IS LITERALLY MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT AS A FLEDGLING UNDERGRAD IN FIRST YEAR SO BEAR WITH ME.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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