I am at peace

Yes, it is true, I have actually died. Well, obviously not, but I've been saying that a lot lately for very boy-related reasons, but that's not what this is about.

I realized today, as I finished reading a book I've already read like 3 times before, that I was happy. And I looked at myself in the mirror and just said that- "I'm so happy." But it's not an ecstatic kind of happy. It's more a sort of... content.

I'm used to my job now. Work is slow and easy this week, none of those days where we run around doing thing after endless thing, staying until 4 PM (which is good since both my lab partner and I seem a little ill at the moment). I've reached some kind of... something with my lab partner- she seems to accept that there are certain times of the day that might just coincide with someone else's break times at their job during which I am very preoccupied by my phone. She tells me things now and then and I enjoy hearing them. I've stopped telling her what to do all the time- she knows what she's doing. Not as much as I do, because I've been there forever, but she does. The brilliant part about this is that she knows all the theory behind the techniques we're using, while I know how to do the actual work required. We make a good team.

I've seen friends several times in the last few weeks, and that makes me feel very normal. All through my childhood my mom was always telling me to just call people, invite friends over, throw a birthday party, and I was always too nervous to do it. I don't know why high school was what got me over my phone anxiety, but it was. I'd still rather text to arrange things, but I can call people now, and hang out with them, and since I can drive and I'm an adult and have a job and pay for my own gas and all that, I feel more like I'm allowed to. It's my car, I'm driving it, if I want to go to a movie with friends and then hang out at one of their houses afterwards, I don't have to call and ask my parents for permission. It's very freeing. But the best part is that I get to see my friends. Actually really see them, because I am forcing myself to make the effort this summer. And it's great.

And the weirdest thing was that I started running. Not very regularly, mind you- the combination of getting my period with weirdly awful pre-cramps and cramp-cramps AND getting sick this week kinda meant that I was out for this week- but still. Running. What the hell? I hate running. Well, I did. And I'm not letting myself feel guilty about the irregularity of these workouts, either. All that fitness inspiration crap all over the internet keeps saying that you have to stick with it and there's no excuses and never miss a workout and it's like GOD, GET OUT OF MY FACE, jesus FUCKING christ. I'll work out if I feel like it because I like doing it and if I don't want to then I won't. I have an exuse this week: I'm fucking sick. And that's OK, because I can just start running again next week. Besides, I've rapidly learned that nobody fucking cares if my stomach is a little soft or if I have cellulite on my thighs, so the only person who really cared in the first place was me. So why care? I'm fine. I'm fine. I mean, I am sick (it's ok that I can't run, my nose is doing it for me! *drum kit*) but I'm fine.

I don't even know what this post is, it's such a big rambly mess. But I feel very at peace with my life right now. I don't really have any problems- I got my relationshit sorted out earlier. The chips fell where they did, and I like where they fell, and I'm really really happy about it. And Ptarckas seems ok too, and that means a lot to me, because he really deserves that. I see my friends regularly. I work out sometimes. I've started making myself food (I don't really know what happened to my family's way of existing while I was away, but it apparently involves a lot more cheap crap fast food pizza-and-hot-dogs than it used to), because I get the sense that my parents are tired from work because their jobs are way harder than mine.

But I have to end this post now. As good as it felt to write it, I have a call I need to make, and I want to be able to get it in before getting a good night's rest (before I inevitably wake up at like 6 anyway because of this fucking skylight in my room... okay, so maybe I have ONE problem, but that's a small problem to have).

yer pal,
swegan :)