I know exactly what I want and it terrifies the shit out of me

This often happens in the fall and winter. I find myself pining for the mountains. But lately, I've found it happening so often that a scenario has started to take place in my mind. It's what I would like for my future life to be, ideally. I live in the mountains, or at least, my house is fucking surrounded by trees. Everywhere. And there's neigbours, but not too close, because of all the TREES.

I want to live in a small town, but in my reasonably-sized house with trees. I want there to be a university in this town, though, so it can't be too small. It should also be reasonably close to a larger city, for those nights when I want to go out on the town.

I work in the research department of that university. One way or another, I've obtained a "Dr." in front of my name, and I do research. Whether it's medical research or just biology research I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. And I run my own lab. I am in charge of it, I appoint the summer students, I do all the conferences, me. It's my lab. The lab of Dr. Swegan.

And I just like imagining coming home to my house in the trees and having it be warm and cozy, with lots of leather and varying shades of brown and lots of wood, wood furniture and flooring and ceilings. Like a cabin but not entirely like a cabin. It's cozy. I have a big bed covered in pillows and my room has a huge-ass window that is also a door that opens onto a balcony and so when I wake up and go to sleep, I see trees. Preferably with a sunrise over them in the morning.

And I have a little cozy spot in front of the fire, in a huge leather chair that's the kind of chair you sink into with a good book, and I sit there and stare out at the trees because that's right, the entire back of my house is also big-ass windows.


This same pining happened last year, only this year it feels worse. It's especially bad when I listen to a playlist of music I have that makes me feel safe, because this imaginary home and life is now my happy place.

The funny thing is, I don't ever see another person living with me. I'm always solitary, which is kind of unappealing. I think I'd want somebody around, even just a friend. Even just being at home by myself creeps me out- I'd need another person living in this house with me. But I think what's more significant is that there aren't any children. Obviously my mindset is that I'm still too young and I haven't lived much of a life yet, so I can't know if I want children or not. I don't know. I know I don't want them now, or any time in the next 10 years or so, that's for sure.

However, this is weirdly specific and very different from the idea I usually have, which is me living in a tiny, somewhat crappy, but cozy apartment in a small town. I don't know why I'm idealizing this small town in my head; I grew up in a small town and got to experience firsthand this summer how much it sucks living where there is almost nothing to do. But somehow, in this more young-adult version of the same town, I have things to do, and people I see, and I'm never bored or unhappy (well, I mean obviously I probably still am unhappy from time to time but never in a permanent way).


The problem with these fantasies is that I feel like they're so specific, they can never happen. Where in Canada am I going to find a place like that? BC somewhere? Vancouver Island? I don't know. And besides, I'm in my second year of an undergrad degree... getting either a Ph.D or an M.D. Ph.D is gonna be like a shitton of hard work that I am really not looking forward to, but I know that this is (at least for now) reasonably close to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly confident that I could get into medical school somewhere if I started putting effort towards that, like I think I could pass the MCAT with enough studying and I'm finding things to do in this city now that help me feel... busier, I guess. Less like a homebody. Like I have a life, even if that life is just going to dance class once a week, having a regular date night, and sometimes hanging out with Carina to make food and watch netflix at her house. Carina and I keep trying to have wild adventures, but then I always chicken out. I'm shitty at trying new things that way.


In somewhat unrelated news, my roommate got me a birthday gift which was super sweet of her. It was a little sampler of tea from David's Tea, and the flavour was pumpkin chai, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS TEA IS SO GOOD. It's got caramel in it which I think is the reason I like it so much, but it also just looks cute because the tea itself has little pumpkin candies in it and UGH you guys seriously, try it. It's cozy and perfect and delicious and UGH.

yer pal,
swegan :)

My big scary park adventure

I got on the bus at a weird bus stop halfway down the street between my street and uni, and I waited there for 15 minutes before the bus I wanted showed up. I rode that bus for seven minutes, got off, and panicked when I didn't know where I was. But then I saw the park behind me, remembered the direction in which we walked at orientation, and headed that way.

I realized it was a bad idea pretty quickly. There was no one out there but me- it's right by a major road in the city, one of those ones that goes fast but usually there aren't a ton of cars. I knew I had about 50 minutes until the sun completely set, and so I finally found the entrance to the park and started walking along a path cleared in the show. When I tried to deviate from this path, the snow went up to my knees, so I had to follow it.

I found a picnic shelter by a playground, thinking that was the place, and then got frustrated and pulled out google maps on my phone when it wasn't. Following google maps, I managed to find the rink after a lot of walking. The only other people I saw were people jogging.

When I finally found the rink, there was a fence all around it and it didn't look like anyone was in the booth of the building where they did skate sharpening and rentals, so I turned around. It was pretty warm last week, pretty much above zero the whole time. I guess the ice was too thin to skate on... I'll have to wait until it gets chilly again and then try. Perhaps this Friday I'll go again. Now that I know the way, I can just leave after school or something.

Anyway, on my way out, I took some pictures, and realized how big the park actually was. Even at home, we have a few parks that are pretty large, but that park just felt... vast. Empty. Sort of like a National Park, and I felt like I was in it all alone as night was dawning. The trees were really big, too, and the park itself IS actually very large. It was kind of nice, though, to feel small, and to realize I'd trekked through that park all on my own.

I'd very much like to go again. But I'd like to actually skate this time. The rink was beautiful, nestled in all that nature. Come on, slightly colder temperatures!

Oh, and a few pictures of the sunset.

yer pal,
swegan :)

MY CHILDHOOD

I watched a lot of quality shows, yo. And quite a few were Canadian. I later learned that apparently Canada actually has a reputation for making kids' shows.

Actually wow, I ended up watching a lot of Canadian kids' TV shows:
-Big Comfy Couch
-Little Bear
-Berenstein Bears
-George Shrinks (okay this wasn't entirely Canadian but still)
-Franklin
-Babar
-Bear in the Big Blue House
-Zoboomafoo (don't quote me on that)
-Max and Ruby
-Crazy Quilt
-Tansy and Roseabelle
-Jacob Two-two

And then the non-Canadian ones:
-Blues Clues (this one still holds a special spot in my heart. I loved this show)
-Spongebob Squarepants (THIS SHOW WAS GREAT for like four seasons)
-Barney
-Timothy goes to school
-Teletubbies
-Lamp Chop's Play Along
-Seven Little Monsters (is this one Canadian? I can't tell)
-Rolie Polie Olie

And then I got a little older and I remember watching others.
-Martin Mystery (FUN FACT: The girl who voices Diana also voices Barbie in most of the Barbie movies).
-Mystery Hunters (I got so scared of this so often that mom actually forbade me to watch it until I was 10)
-Totally Spies (this show was THE SHIT)
-6teen (I think I just watched it b/c one of my friends did)
-Life with Derek (this was Canadian, too!)
-The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
-Hannah Montana (Freckles made me watch it)
-Zoey 101
-Atomic Betty (not very often, though, I barely remember this one)
-I was a teenage robot (not often either)

Okay holy shit, I just had a thought. When mom forbade me to watch Mystery Hunters (THE EPISODE ABOUT THE GIANT BIRD MAN STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY) until I was 10... well, when I was 10, how i met your mother was just starting its first season, which confuses me. how i met your mother is a show I associate with being a teenager. Mystery Hunters is a show I associate very much with being a child.

Also can I say something about the theme songs? Because some of those kids shows had great theme songs. Franklin, Bear in the Big Blue House, Blues Clues, Berenstein Bears, Babar... there's lots of not-popular-music-music in there. Like actually all the music for Blues Clues is pretty much my favourite soundtrack for any TV show ever.

I think I need to watch some more of that show to put me to sleep. I'm all nostalgic now. And confused about Little Bear, because all I remember of that show is the one movie they made where they found another bear and had to help him get home?

And now I'm remembering books. I remember that one about the farmyard animal friends who went on a bike ride, and Click, Clack, Moo: Cows that Type and The Kissing Hand and all those Franklin/Berenstein bear books Freckles and I used to have read to us each night. We had a huge box of Franklin books and Berenstein Bear books all over the place. I remember going to chapters once when I was 13, and seeing "The Berenstein Bears go to Church" and feeling extremely disappointed. The Berenstein Bears always had adventures, but religion was never part of it. They were just living. Seeing that kind of made me feel like my childhood had ended.

SPEAKING OF BOOKS THE MAGIC TREE HOUSE SERIES WAS THE SHIT AND DON'T LET NOBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
And Junie B. Jones. JUNIE B. JONES. I am not kidding when I say those books probably influenced my writing more than you'd think. I still remember the first one I read. It was "Junie B. Jones is a Party Animal" and it was like my favourite book of all time. I think I ended up reading every single book in the series. So while everyone else was reading Harry Potter, that's what I was doing. Reading Junie B. Jones. So I guess that makes Barbara Park the author of my childhood. Actually I think those books probably influenced me as a person. I related to those books. I loved them. I gobbled them up. I read them all. I related immensely to Junie B. Jones. Shit, man. Those books mean something to me.

Okay. I seriously need to go to bed. Like, now. I feel all nostalgic and looking up at my calendar just reminds me I'm not a kid anymore and I'm supposed to like all these grown up shows and do grown up things like university and just UGH NOPE I WANT TO BE 7 AGAIN PLS. Although that means I'd have to go through middle school again. Let's just say I would rather never repeat middle school again. For anything. I am being perfectly serious when I say there is no amount of money you could pay me to go through middle school again.

GOODNIGHT

yer pal,
swegan :)