About a month ago, I got an email from the university telling me my date to start registering for courses. So I made up a list of things to take. At that point, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do, and so I found myself making up a schedule I absolutely hated (partly because the higher up in university you go, the fewer times classes are offered in a semester.... argh). It had some interesting courses, but the big kicker was that I was making myself take physics. I do not want to take physics again. Physics is hella cool and interesting, sure, but it's also really difficult, and the way physics labs are done at my university, they're due the next day. It's awful. Plus, the physics I would have been taking was a 1st year course. When I finally got my schedule assembled, I got stressed out just looking at it. I felt like there was still all this horrible crap I had to get through, and even at the end of it, I still wasn't really going to get to study what I wanted to, which is genetics. The way my general biology degree would work out, I'd spend way too much time studying ecology and evolution and botany. Those things, again, are all interesting, but don't get me nearly as hyped up and excited as genetics.
So, I decided to go talk to an advisor about doing a specialization in molecular genetics degree. He was very convincing (and also very friendly and welcoming, as I've found most people in research/biology to be) and I found myself registering for the degree. I'm sure my parents were a little disappointed, since this pushed me further away from med school, and I was a little apprehensive myself, but now I'm very glad I did it.
Already I am talking with the advisor guy (such a name) about doing a research project (essentially I think I just help do research in the lab of one of the researchers here and get credits for it), and about all these different courses I can take, and about the fact that it's OK to take an extra semester, and I get to take almost exclusively genetics courses when I get to my fourth year and next year the worst things I have to take are microbiology and cell biology, but those are still infinitely better than bi(o)chem and physics. Plus, so many of the courses I'd end up taking are more independent and research-driven, and that makes me really excited.
It's surprisingly freeing to be able to do this. I know some people hate doing this kind of degree because it limits their options for courses (I can't take as many WGS courses, which is unfortunate, but oh well), but I like it because I finally don't have to waste time learning about things I'm less interested in. I can get down to the fine details of the subject I love, and learn more about how to research it.
I also have an end goal in mind, now, and that is really, REALLY exciting to me. I really, really want to do health research- the lab I have been working in studies cancer and it is so, so cool and fascinating to me and I just want to know more about it. The idea that I could contribute to research that helps people is so exciting to me. Which, of course, is the problem (for me) with a lot of genetics research: it's all about cells, or small microorganisms, or things that to me, seem pointless. But I'm sure I'll find they're more interesting than I thought.
I'm just so, so, so excited that I get to do this. I get to decide, I get to say "no, this is what I want to study, this is what I want to do with my life." I get to pursue what I love. It feels infinitely better than just getting a general degree or just taking all the "med school courses" because I don't know what I want to do yet. Is this what I want to do forever? Shit, I have no idea. I don't know what my life will turn out to be. But the point is that I have a direction now, something to work towards, a goal, a dream. And I'm so incredibly happy for that.
I know these courses are going to be hard. I know sometimes they will bore me, that not everything will be awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping wonder. My genetics course right now (which, to be fair, is still an intro course) is a little bit not that interesting, but I have to learn the basics. I know that I'm gonna have to put in a lot of work, but I also know now that I'm allowed a little room to pace myself, and I really get a strong feeling that people in the field (not all of them, I'm not stupid) will be willing to help me out. The reaction I get from most people doing work in this field is "You want to study this too? Hot dog, come on down, let me show you EVERYTHING and help you out!" and it makes me so very happy- and grateful, because these people know exactly what opportunities to point out to me.
Just... this whole thing makes me so excited. I can't wait to do it. All through high school, I thought that university would be where I could finally just study what I wanted to, without having to take all these other things that I thought were cool but not cool enough to take classes in. I've spent my first two years taking english, math, and chemistry courses to get to this point, and it's so great to think that I might finally be getting to the cool stuff- even just a little bit.
It is a little lonely, because I don't know anybody else in my genetics course right now. I don't know anybody else doing this degree. I don't know anyone else that likes this stuff as much as I do. But I'm sure that, moving forward, I'll find some people. In the meantime: I have other friends. In fact, I have THREE WHOLE ENTIRE FRIENDS outside of my building/high school friends now. Huzzah!
I've probably gushed enough about this at this point. I do still have homework to do. AT LEAST MY LAST OCHEM CLASS EVER WAS TODAY.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
On Writing
Hey, if Stephen King can write a whole book on this, I can write a blog post on it.
I often wish I wrote differently. Like, I read a lot of writing, I think I know what good writing sounds like at this point. But I can't be one of those poets who writes those long-ass poems you read on tumblr, what with all their flowery language that somehow makes you feel cool while reading it. I can't write good essays, I mean like I write good essays, but writing essays isn't my calling, you know? Like I have the ability to write stuff and not have it sound like crap, but not have it not sound like crap enough to show it to anybody, ever.
I miss it.
I miss writing now more than ever, what with my miserable horrible feelings for people that I feel absolutely horrible about because the key word there is people and not person and I don't know how to deal with that. I miss writing when exams are piling up on me and I have to pass ochem, I have to, so that I don't have to take it again, and I miss writing when it's 2 AM and I'm bored to tears and there's nothing at ALL for me to do on the internet.
But everytime I try to go back, I cringe. There was some period of my life when I could suppress the inner editor, when I was like "what I write is absolute fucking garbage that reads like the worst fanfiction you've ever read except about my own characters instead of someone else's" and it was fine because nobody had to read it. Except then I had to quit for practical reasons and there is nothing else I regret more.
I know, I know. I'm not supposed to live with regrets, and I really try not to do that. I have very few regrets in life. The list is probably: 90% of my actions in middle school, not ending my high school relationship 8 months sooner, and quitting writing. That's it, that's my whole list of life regrets. Out of all the things I've done on this earth, those are the ones I wish I hadn't. But this one really bugs me, because now I am friends with someone who actually writes a LOT, and I am intimidated by it because I miss it so much.
But I look at my writing, which is all YA-targeted (mostly because I did it when I was a young adult myself) and bad. I have read many a YA book (adult books bore me to tears and have too much sex), I know what good YA sounds like. It is not my writing.
Yes, yes, I know, I know, first drafts are always terrible. Always! But the problem with me is that I'm far too lazy to go back and edit my own writing. It's one thing when it's a 5-6 page essay for my Women's and Gender Studies class. It's another thing when it's a 40K word novel I wrote that has the shakiest plot foundation ever. It's much easier to correct arguments in a paper I have to write for class than it is to build a stable world in which two characters would end up going on a road trip together. How would that even happen? Argh.
This whole post doesn't even sound like me. It sounds like someone trying to be good at writing, and that weirds me out. It's like I've become too self aware now. I don't know how to lose myself anymore. Everything has to have structure and make sense and blah blah blah whatEVer, I want to lose myself again.
I want to be able to write that crappy fanfiction-style Camp Lame-o shit that I used to. I want to be able to do that, to get carried away in oh-so-convenient plots that just HAPPEN to throw my very own self-created OTP together every single time. That is my favourite thing to write: create two characters with hella romantic tension and throw them together. What will happen? I don't know, but it'll be fun! And crappy!
My current plans for next NaNo are very much along these lines. I debated just spending the whole of November listening to Shania Twain and writing the cheesiest fucking country romance I could think of, but that became a problem because 1) I know nothing about cowboys, and 2) I cannot spend that long blushing. Blushing, why? Because I would be constantly embarrassed that I would be writing that, even if nobody else ever read it and nobody ever would.
I still need to find a use for that poem I wrote, though. I'm ridiculously proud of it, and I know that I could one day recite it to my kids as I put them to sleep/read it as a fucking vow at my wedding or something (it is that versatile, ladies and gentlemen, and it is abso-fucking-lutely that cheesy) but like those events are like 7-10 years away and I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG.
I kind of ran out of steam there. I think I've said all I want to say on that topic for right now.
yer pal,
swegan
I often wish I wrote differently. Like, I read a lot of writing, I think I know what good writing sounds like at this point. But I can't be one of those poets who writes those long-ass poems you read on tumblr, what with all their flowery language that somehow makes you feel cool while reading it. I can't write good essays, I mean like I write good essays, but writing essays isn't my calling, you know? Like I have the ability to write stuff and not have it sound like crap, but not have it not sound like crap enough to show it to anybody, ever.
I miss it.
I miss writing now more than ever, what with my miserable horrible feelings for people that I feel absolutely horrible about because the key word there is people and not person and I don't know how to deal with that. I miss writing when exams are piling up on me and I have to pass ochem, I have to, so that I don't have to take it again, and I miss writing when it's 2 AM and I'm bored to tears and there's nothing at ALL for me to do on the internet.
But everytime I try to go back, I cringe. There was some period of my life when I could suppress the inner editor, when I was like "what I write is absolute fucking garbage that reads like the worst fanfiction you've ever read except about my own characters instead of someone else's" and it was fine because nobody had to read it. Except then I had to quit for practical reasons and there is nothing else I regret more.
I know, I know. I'm not supposed to live with regrets, and I really try not to do that. I have very few regrets in life. The list is probably: 90% of my actions in middle school, not ending my high school relationship 8 months sooner, and quitting writing. That's it, that's my whole list of life regrets. Out of all the things I've done on this earth, those are the ones I wish I hadn't. But this one really bugs me, because now I am friends with someone who actually writes a LOT, and I am intimidated by it because I miss it so much.
But I look at my writing, which is all YA-targeted (mostly because I did it when I was a young adult myself) and bad. I have read many a YA book (adult books bore me to tears and have too much sex), I know what good YA sounds like. It is not my writing.
Yes, yes, I know, I know, first drafts are always terrible. Always! But the problem with me is that I'm far too lazy to go back and edit my own writing. It's one thing when it's a 5-6 page essay for my Women's and Gender Studies class. It's another thing when it's a 40K word novel I wrote that has the shakiest plot foundation ever. It's much easier to correct arguments in a paper I have to write for class than it is to build a stable world in which two characters would end up going on a road trip together. How would that even happen? Argh.
This whole post doesn't even sound like me. It sounds like someone trying to be good at writing, and that weirds me out. It's like I've become too self aware now. I don't know how to lose myself anymore. Everything has to have structure and make sense and blah blah blah whatEVer, I want to lose myself again.
I want to be able to write that crappy fanfiction-style Camp Lame-o shit that I used to. I want to be able to do that, to get carried away in oh-so-convenient plots that just HAPPEN to throw my very own self-created OTP together every single time. That is my favourite thing to write: create two characters with hella romantic tension and throw them together. What will happen? I don't know, but it'll be fun! And crappy!
My current plans for next NaNo are very much along these lines. I debated just spending the whole of November listening to Shania Twain and writing the cheesiest fucking country romance I could think of, but that became a problem because 1) I know nothing about cowboys, and 2) I cannot spend that long blushing. Blushing, why? Because I would be constantly embarrassed that I would be writing that, even if nobody else ever read it and nobody ever would.
I still need to find a use for that poem I wrote, though. I'm ridiculously proud of it, and I know that I could one day recite it to my kids as I put them to sleep/read it as a fucking vow at my wedding or something (it is that versatile, ladies and gentlemen, and it is abso-fucking-lutely that cheesy) but like those events are like 7-10 years away and I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG.
I kind of ran out of steam there. I think I've said all I want to say on that topic for right now.
yer pal,
swegan
Friday, February 20, 2015
Self esteem
Since my last post, things have improved. I downloaded a calorie tracking app for a while (which was more difficult to use than I thought, since finding items to add was often a game of "close enough"), which was interesting in that I could see where most of my calories were going. I've since stopped using it because I'm lazy and entering all the food I eat into my phone takes too long and I can't remember to do it. Also because I found that I now have a better understanding of the caloric content of things and how I typically eat, and when I do not buy junk food all the damn time, I actually eat really well.
Anyway, the only two "rules" I have applied are
1) Only buy junk food on the weekends
2) Don't take the bus to class unless you are running late or it is hella freezing outside
And they work for me. They are beyond easy to incorporate into my life, I have saved a lot of money, and I get quite a few steps in a day.
Also, on a note that seems tangential but isn't, I've recently become slightly obsessed with The Mindy Project (which is hilarious and awesome and adorable, by the way, and you should all watch it), and one of the lines from the show really stuck with me. I feel ridiculous thinking it, but I like the line "You're a woman, and that's good. Look like a woman." It's a good line (delivered in a very cute way, might I add), and it was kind of like a slap in the face for me, in the way where I was like "jesus what am I so worried about, I am fine."
On another note, I realized today how much I have learned in university. This came from two incidents:
1) My sister reading me the ingredients on a nail polish bottle and me realizing that my knowledge of organic (and okay, general) chemistry meant I could roughly picture a lot of the things in my head. Ethyl acetate? Hey, we use that in the lab! You can write EtoAc as an abbreviation! It was kind of nice to know that I have that knowledge. I can identify molecules. It's not super useful, but I can still do it. That is a thing I have learned.
2) My sister reading the last half of my psych chapter out to me (I even got an interesting idea for a paper during this, which I did not write down because I am an idiot). She said that it was mostly gibberish to her, but it all made perfect sense to me. Describing studies, results, and ethical implications of psychological treatments, and the biological methods of treating psychological disorders, and a bit about preventative stuff. I mean, I know it's first year psych, and that's not that big of a deal, but I still felt smart.
There was recently a confession posted on my university's confession page on fb about how science students often neglect getting a real education from someone who felt like they weren't learning anything in a science degree and so switched into a humanities one and felt much more educated. I find that bizarre, because in my 1.5 and a bit years of a science degree, I feel like I've learned a shitton of stuff and it is great. I know so much crap about a bunch of things, and I get to learn even more, and I get to study whatever I want. I really feel very lucky that I get to go to university, and a good one at that.
I think the best part is when my classes overlap. This has happened mostly between my science courses (ochem II, a basic genetics course, and intro to biochem) and then between my arts courses (psych II, which I hate because it is beyond boring to me, and my prof doesn't help, and women's and gender studies, which, though philosophy based, is finally being taught in a way that I can understand). I love it when that happens, because it means that I'm thinking about all the things I've learned and putting them together to learn even more. It's great when we learn about the repair of deaminated bases and T-T dimers in genetics, because I know what those things look like thanks to biochem. We can talk about the forces holding DNA and proteins together in biochemistry, and I understand how they work because I've taken and am taking organic chemistry. Everything builds on everything else and it is wonderful. I might just be learning the basics of science, but they're still very interesting.
So yeah, I've been feeling pretty smart and pretty lately. It's a nice trend, and one that I hope will continue. I'm also thankful that I've been put in an environment that encourages the development of both of those traits.
yer pal,
swegan
Anyway, the only two "rules" I have applied are
1) Only buy junk food on the weekends
2) Don't take the bus to class unless you are running late or it is hella freezing outside
And they work for me. They are beyond easy to incorporate into my life, I have saved a lot of money, and I get quite a few steps in a day.
Also, on a note that seems tangential but isn't, I've recently become slightly obsessed with The Mindy Project (which is hilarious and awesome and adorable, by the way, and you should all watch it), and one of the lines from the show really stuck with me. I feel ridiculous thinking it, but I like the line "You're a woman, and that's good. Look like a woman." It's a good line (delivered in a very cute way, might I add), and it was kind of like a slap in the face for me, in the way where I was like "jesus what am I so worried about, I am fine."
On another note, I realized today how much I have learned in university. This came from two incidents:
1) My sister reading me the ingredients on a nail polish bottle and me realizing that my knowledge of organic (and okay, general) chemistry meant I could roughly picture a lot of the things in my head. Ethyl acetate? Hey, we use that in the lab! You can write EtoAc as an abbreviation! It was kind of nice to know that I have that knowledge. I can identify molecules. It's not super useful, but I can still do it. That is a thing I have learned.
2) My sister reading the last half of my psych chapter out to me (I even got an interesting idea for a paper during this, which I did not write down because I am an idiot). She said that it was mostly gibberish to her, but it all made perfect sense to me. Describing studies, results, and ethical implications of psychological treatments, and the biological methods of treating psychological disorders, and a bit about preventative stuff. I mean, I know it's first year psych, and that's not that big of a deal, but I still felt smart.
There was recently a confession posted on my university's confession page on fb about how science students often neglect getting a real education from someone who felt like they weren't learning anything in a science degree and so switched into a humanities one and felt much more educated. I find that bizarre, because in my 1.5 and a bit years of a science degree, I feel like I've learned a shitton of stuff and it is great. I know so much crap about a bunch of things, and I get to learn even more, and I get to study whatever I want. I really feel very lucky that I get to go to university, and a good one at that.
I think the best part is when my classes overlap. This has happened mostly between my science courses (ochem II, a basic genetics course, and intro to biochem) and then between my arts courses (psych II, which I hate because it is beyond boring to me, and my prof doesn't help, and women's and gender studies, which, though philosophy based, is finally being taught in a way that I can understand). I love it when that happens, because it means that I'm thinking about all the things I've learned and putting them together to learn even more. It's great when we learn about the repair of deaminated bases and T-T dimers in genetics, because I know what those things look like thanks to biochem. We can talk about the forces holding DNA and proteins together in biochemistry, and I understand how they work because I've taken and am taking organic chemistry. Everything builds on everything else and it is wonderful. I might just be learning the basics of science, but they're still very interesting.
So yeah, I've been feeling pretty smart and pretty lately. It's a nice trend, and one that I hope will continue. I'm also thankful that I've been put in an environment that encourages the development of both of those traits.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, July 27, 2014
"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
God, I hate it when people ask me this. But, let's see.
I think I'd go ahead and get my PhD in biology. Even the brief wikipedia readups of the antibodies/"primaries" that i have to put on the westerns fascinates me. cancer is fascinating. The ways in which it proliferates and sustains and spreads are vast, but that also means there's a lot of potential to take it out. The other day I was reading about DNMT3a, which is DNA methyltransferase 3a. Typically thought to be involved in the methylation of (I think?) CpG sites in DNA in early development but maaaybe also later when methylations are copied (transferred- things in science seem to actually be named very simply and to-the-point) during DNA reproduction. It was so cool. Plus, there was a girl in the lab who did her PhD defense last Tuesday, and for some reason I got really excited for her, imagining how hard she would have been working to get to that point, to get her doctorate. And I think that's when I knew that biology was where I was meant to be, and I was going to get my PhD if it killed me.
But then again... if I wasn't afraid of it, I'd also be a doctor. Doctors are important. I know I am fully capable of getting myself through med school, if I put my mind to it. But the problem is that med school really doesn't appeal to me, because I'm kind of scared of the work. I'm also kind of scared that I'd hate the work after school. Although this didn't stop me from daydreaming about being an MD PhD the other day. The best of both worlds, really... although the guy I was reading about was a pediatric oncologist, and I can't imagine that job must be fun.
I would also write more. I think maybe I don't write because I'm scared. Or maybe because I don't want to. Either way, I hate that I made such a big deal out of it because now everyone still acts like I'm prolific when the reality is I don't write anymore. I don't. I don't want to. It's exhausting. It's hard work. I don't want to be a writer anymore. I don't know why. It kind of feels like something inside of me either shriveled up and died, or just left- I hope it's the latter, because then it can come back.
I think I'd also have gone to visit my boyfriend at one point, and my other friends in my uni city. I'd have gone down to the nearby national park only an hour south of me to hike and enjoy nature. I'd have invited friends out to the cabin.
I'd also look more into doing a semester abroad.
I'd probably quit EPASS. lord knows I've been thinking about that for a long time. But I feel so guilty about it, like because my parents donated a bunch of money to the fundraiser and it is good volunteering experience and the people I've met in the group are so nice and they really do need help, but honestly... space is cool, and so is this project, but I kind of feel like... I dunno, like I'm not helping, like I fell behind on reading because the reading was really boring to me, like there's maybe a reason I don't check my emails nearly often enough, maybe a reason there hasn't been a newsletter for over a month? Mom and Dad said that they only donated as much as they did because I was involved, which does not fucking help with the guilt. I feel like I signed up for this, I need to keep at it. I'm also scared that if I were to leave, the people in the group would hate me, which is actually completely unfounded because those people are not shitty people. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about it, but I'm also starting to wonder if someone else can't do my job better than I can. Someone who cares more than I do. I feel so horrible about not caring, when I've been given this opportunity. And aren't you supposed to take every opportunity? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing right now, snagging every single one that comes along? That, to me, feels like it would leave me overloaded.
I seriously need to make up my mind on this. On the one hand, if I did end up leaving before returning to uni, my parents would know and get mad. On the other hand, if I waited until I got up there, I'd have to do it face to face and idk if I could get through that without crying. Maybe I'll see how many new recruits they get from the clubs fair? If a bunch of people join, I'd feel less bad about leaving... ugh. This has been tearing me up for weeks. I feel like the shittiest club member in the world, and I don't know why, since it's a free country and I'm allowed to leave if I want to. It's not like I work for them.
I think I would travel more. Alone. If I wasn't afraid of being approached by strangers because I am small, naive, and female. If I wasn't afraid of trying new foods.
Honestly, I think I'd probably eat differently, too. The other week I got in a seriously debilitating internal argument over a bag of chips which ended up with me deciding to start working out, which has actually ended up in a dramatic reduction of sad feelings which is totally not what I was trying to get out of it at all but kind of is what I'm trying to get out of it now (seriously, being home has really made me sad, which makes absolutely 0 sense).
And also, I would probably have more sex. I mean, not that I'm currently HAVING any, but you get my point. I think we would all do that. Come on. I HAD TO PUT THIS IN HERE. It's the truth. If I wasn't so afraid of getting pregnant...
I'd also probably take more dance classes and be less worried about it being a waste of money. Dance makes me happy. It always feels like something I can be good at and something I was born to do.
I don't actually know if all of these things are good ideas, or if doing them will improve my life or make me happy. Some of them, probably. Others, ???
I think this question is still worth taking the time to answer, though. You can learn a lot about yourself.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I think I'd go ahead and get my PhD in biology. Even the brief wikipedia readups of the antibodies/"primaries" that i have to put on the westerns fascinates me. cancer is fascinating. The ways in which it proliferates and sustains and spreads are vast, but that also means there's a lot of potential to take it out. The other day I was reading about DNMT3a, which is DNA methyltransferase 3a. Typically thought to be involved in the methylation of (I think?) CpG sites in DNA in early development but maaaybe also later when methylations are copied (transferred- things in science seem to actually be named very simply and to-the-point) during DNA reproduction. It was so cool. Plus, there was a girl in the lab who did her PhD defense last Tuesday, and for some reason I got really excited for her, imagining how hard she would have been working to get to that point, to get her doctorate. And I think that's when I knew that biology was where I was meant to be, and I was going to get my PhD if it killed me.
But then again... if I wasn't afraid of it, I'd also be a doctor. Doctors are important. I know I am fully capable of getting myself through med school, if I put my mind to it. But the problem is that med school really doesn't appeal to me, because I'm kind of scared of the work. I'm also kind of scared that I'd hate the work after school. Although this didn't stop me from daydreaming about being an MD PhD the other day. The best of both worlds, really... although the guy I was reading about was a pediatric oncologist, and I can't imagine that job must be fun.
I would also write more. I think maybe I don't write because I'm scared. Or maybe because I don't want to. Either way, I hate that I made such a big deal out of it because now everyone still acts like I'm prolific when the reality is I don't write anymore. I don't. I don't want to. It's exhausting. It's hard work. I don't want to be a writer anymore. I don't know why. It kind of feels like something inside of me either shriveled up and died, or just left- I hope it's the latter, because then it can come back.
I think I'd also have gone to visit my boyfriend at one point, and my other friends in my uni city. I'd have gone down to the nearby national park only an hour south of me to hike and enjoy nature. I'd have invited friends out to the cabin.
I'd also look more into doing a semester abroad.
I'd probably quit EPASS. lord knows I've been thinking about that for a long time. But I feel so guilty about it, like because my parents donated a bunch of money to the fundraiser and it is good volunteering experience and the people I've met in the group are so nice and they really do need help, but honestly... space is cool, and so is this project, but I kind of feel like... I dunno, like I'm not helping, like I fell behind on reading because the reading was really boring to me, like there's maybe a reason I don't check my emails nearly often enough, maybe a reason there hasn't been a newsletter for over a month? Mom and Dad said that they only donated as much as they did because I was involved, which does not fucking help with the guilt. I feel like I signed up for this, I need to keep at it. I'm also scared that if I were to leave, the people in the group would hate me, which is actually completely unfounded because those people are not shitty people. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about it, but I'm also starting to wonder if someone else can't do my job better than I can. Someone who cares more than I do. I feel so horrible about not caring, when I've been given this opportunity. And aren't you supposed to take every opportunity? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing right now, snagging every single one that comes along? That, to me, feels like it would leave me overloaded.
I seriously need to make up my mind on this. On the one hand, if I did end up leaving before returning to uni, my parents would know and get mad. On the other hand, if I waited until I got up there, I'd have to do it face to face and idk if I could get through that without crying. Maybe I'll see how many new recruits they get from the clubs fair? If a bunch of people join, I'd feel less bad about leaving... ugh. This has been tearing me up for weeks. I feel like the shittiest club member in the world, and I don't know why, since it's a free country and I'm allowed to leave if I want to. It's not like I work for them.
I think I would travel more. Alone. If I wasn't afraid of being approached by strangers because I am small, naive, and female. If I wasn't afraid of trying new foods.
Honestly, I think I'd probably eat differently, too. The other week I got in a seriously debilitating internal argument over a bag of chips which ended up with me deciding to start working out, which has actually ended up in a dramatic reduction of sad feelings which is totally not what I was trying to get out of it at all but kind of is what I'm trying to get out of it now (seriously, being home has really made me sad, which makes absolutely 0 sense).
And also, I would probably have more sex. I mean, not that I'm currently HAVING any, but you get my point. I think we would all do that. Come on. I HAD TO PUT THIS IN HERE. It's the truth. If I wasn't so afraid of getting pregnant...
I'd also probably take more dance classes and be less worried about it being a waste of money. Dance makes me happy. It always feels like something I can be good at and something I was born to do.
I don't actually know if all of these things are good ideas, or if doing them will improve my life or make me happy. Some of them, probably. Others, ???
I think this question is still worth taking the time to answer, though. You can learn a lot about yourself.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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