The day I decided to be good at math

I can't actually remember the actual day I decided to stop saying "I'm bad at math" or "I'm not good at math" or answering "No" when people asked me if I was good at math. I think it was somewhere around the time when I was trying to decide whether or not to do the highest level of math offered in the province with an "i" tacked onto the end for "IB." This was in grade 11, just before writing my diploma exam for math (there was a class offered after the diploma exam class that was essentially basic calc). I was creating a pro-and-con list (something I did a lot in high school- and even when trying to decide which high school to go to) in one of the blank pages of my math workbook, and my friends were sitting around me and trying to help me decide. Two of my friends, both guys, insisted on taking the book and both wrote in the "pro" column that I should do it because I could, or something along those lines, and that was really sweet- these guys were both really good at math and got much better grades than I did with a lot less effort.

Our four desks were in a clump in front of the teacher's desk at the back of the room, and eventually I went to ask her what she thought, or maybe it was just her overhearing. She got almost angry that I was even considering dropping out of IB math- and she said "No, you should do it." And when I asked why, she said "Because you're smart enough to do it."

I think that was really the deciding factor that pushed me over the line. That math teacher was one of the best math teachers I've ever had in my life, and I am so grateful I had her to help me understand math and make me like it. And I'm very, very glad that she insisted upon me doing that math class in IB, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to complete my IB diploma and that is something I am very, very glad I did.

But the interesting thing was that I did much better in that "advanced" math class than I had done in my grade 11 level math IB class (which I had completed in grade 10- we did math very quickly due to scheduling issues in my high school if we were in the IB program). And I actually really liked the subject material- I found it easy to follow, and of course that same amazing teacher was right there at the back of the room whenever I needed help on a question, or I could always ask Lucy, who sat next to me (fun fact: Lucy and I became friends after ending up sitting next to each other in math class), or the guys behind me.

Last semester, I took a math course, which was essentially just high school calc repeated. I finished the class with an A- and got a 92 on the midterm. This semester, I am taking the next class up (Like, if the class I took last semester was calc 1, this is calc 2) and I'm actually feeling okay about it. I mean, I still struggle with the assignments because webassign gives really horrible questions and the answers are always wrong and just UGH I REALLY HATE WEBASSIGN OKAY, but there's help available and in the last few assignments I've found that I'm actually figuring out a lot of the problems on my own, and finding no inconsistencies when I look back (or finding little ones and fixing them). That's really nice. It's actually really, really, really great when I can solve a math problem and have it be right and know that I did that on my own. And I think telling myself that I'm good at math might be part of that.

There's probably something to the idea that how you think about something affects how you experience it. If I kept telling myself I was bad at math, the next logical step would be for me to give up because I'm never going to get the answer because I'm bad at math. But if I tell myself "You are good at math" (though strangely I am very bad at helping other people with different questions from calc 1), then when I get a problem wrong it's just a matter of me not remembering something, or not being sure where to look, or having a brief mind blank and not realizing that there's a very simple way to solve the question. To be fair, there's a LOT to remember with rules of integration, so it's not surprising that I forget stuff. But I'm getting it. I can follow along in class, everything makes sense in class, and it's wonderful. I really love calculus. It just makes so much sense. It's like solving puzzles- and I'm not usually the type of person who likes solving puzzles.

Does that mean I want to take more calculus? Well, I'm not really sure, given that I don't think I can minor in calculus or anything- only math, and there are several other areas of math that just look so mind-bogglingly horrible that I don't even want to get into them (even though I have to take statistics as a prereq for some higher level ecology courses, and stats are not always fun, and that class involves probability, and probability is the one area of math that I just cannot grasp- perhaps I should take the same approach as I did to calculus and tell myself I'm not bad at it, but the reality is, I'm not good at probability calculations, and frankly, I don't really want to be. Statistics themselves I think will be okay- just not the goddamned probability). So perhaps I will learn more calc in the future. I don't know. All I know is that's not really what I want to major or minor in right now.


In other news, I have recently learned that when women go into STEM fields, they often go into biology or psychology. Given that Carina has expressed a desire to change her major to psych and I'm very vehement about majoring in bio, I can't help but find that a little ironic. I always feel guilty when I hear statistics like this, too, but then again, I'm not responsible for those statistics. I just happen to fit them. And it's probably better that I pursue a degree in bio, a subject I really love and am really passionate about, because I'll do better in it- I'll enjoy my work more and probably be more motivated to work hard.

Earlier today Ptarckas also asked why I was interested in taking Ecology courses if stats was a prereq and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to enjoy stats- if you don't like the prereq, why take the class it's required for? Of course that logic doesn't really work all the time- I'm not really enjoying my introduction to cell biology type course (it's just so boring and slow and it's like high school but in horribly boring detail and I just don't care and UGH), but I still want to major in bio. I fell asleep all the time in the introduction to ecology type course last semester (okay, well, not fell asleep, but you know those classes where you just get really bored and you get drowsy and... this semester, that's chem for me, despite the fact that I have an excellent prof), but my memory of it is still one of enjoyment. I really liked that course and the labs in it were awesome, too. And guess what, I finished that class with the same grade as calc 1.

And then things like Ochem, which nobody likes, are prereqs for biochem and human physiology, which seem to be more popular.

So sure, perhaps I was wrong about "the 'astro' part of astrophysics will make the physics part bearable" (nothing can make 12 online assignments and 13 online quizzes bearable), but I still think that I'll enjoy bio despite the fact that stats are embedded in it. It's just in the nature of the course. Ha. Nature. Biology. I'm so funny.

Anyway, I have a very bad paper I wrote that I have to edit (eek, and I have to figure out how to cite all my sources soon) and some reading to do.

yer pal,
swegan :)