I want to leave this behind

Work ended early today, like before-the-end-of-the-school-day-early. Consequently, I decided to try and go visit some teachers. I had two that I wanted to visit- both at different schools, unfortunately. I decided to try and visit my favourite teacher from middle school, one of very few good teachers that I had during that time. Unfortunately, she wasn't in, so I left a message with the receptionist (without a phone number or email god dammit oops) and walked back outside.

Coming at that time of day was probably a bad idea, but I didn't even stop to think of it. Leaving was much harder than going in. It was just that the din of voices was exactly the same as it was back when I was that age, all the kids shouting stupid stuff and going off in their different directions. The worst part was that getting back to my car required me to walk past a group of boys who looked to be about 12 and athletic.

As much as I've moved on from the specific people who used to bother me, that type- 12 year old athletic boys- still makes me nervous. And I've had people telling me that it's not healthy to still be wallowing in this, and that makes me so mad- I know it's not healthy. You think I like this? You think I like being unsettled by 12 year old boys in gym shorts? I have literally never met a 12 year old boy who is good at sports who isn't the worst kind of person. I don't want to feel that way, I don't want to have to make that judgement, but my experiences with 12 year old boys when I was 12 were the fucking worst and as a result I just can't handle being around 12 year old boys, apparently.

Driving away was therapeutic. I tend to talk to myself a lot- out loud; not the kind of talking where I'm having a conversation with myself, but more that I like voicing my train of thought when I'm alone. Doing it in the car is even better for some reason, probably because I'm definitely alone and not wondering if someone else can hear me. But I talked, and the closer I got to my high school, the more and more I realized how happy I was that I made the choices that I did.

Eventually I started crying. Because I was driving farther and farther away, because with every passing day, every passing second I get farther away from fucking middle school. I know it's ridiculous to be upset about this, especially because so many other kids had it so much worse than I did. But when lots of people tell you that you're a loser for three straight years as a kid, I guess some of that kind of sticks with you forever.

And this is why I thank the universe every goddamn day that my sister didn't go through that. She had her own group in middle school, she did her own thing, worked hard, made friends, and had fun, and I am so, so, so unbelievably glad that she was spared my experience of being a short nerdy loser. I know that to some extent, that experience made me who I am today, bla bla bla. But I still wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I had to take a few seconds to compose myself when I finally reached my old high school, because I was still crying about how happy I was. I never have to go back. I never have to go back. I went to a good high school and met people who just genuinely liked me for who I was and I think I have finally unlearned all the nastiness I was starting to adopt as a mechanism for trying to appear normal. I'm finally freeing myself of the idea that being normal matters, that I have to be a girl in a certain kind of way for people to like and accept me, or for my life to be rich and full and happy. To my friends in high school: I don't exaggerate when I say that you all rescued me from a potential future of me being nasty and bitchy and lonely.

I remember distinctly a moment near the end of 9th grade when I thought, so this is what it feels like to be happy, really happy, right at your core.

And university's even better, because I finally start to expect that people will be pretty decent and nice to me and even stupid stuff, like that boys will like me and not look at me and call me ugly and faggot and shove me into lockers and call me fucking bitch and that girls won't be nice to my face and compare me to the boys who talked about eating worms and worshipping noodles when they thought I wasn't listening. God, middle school was petty.

I know it sounds stupid. It really, really does. But I'm the only one who's allowed to feel that way, because when other people say it I'm like do you think I like this? Do you think I like that I'm still upset by things that happened 10 years ago? It's the fucking worst and I feel ridiculous any day that it bothers me. But it just gets smaller and smaller as time goes on and life keeps going up, up, up and I keep meeting more and more people who treat me nicely and I keep doing more and more and more of the things that I love. It doesn't feel like I've finally reached some place where my life is perfect, it feels like my life is good and it's going to stay that way and continue to be filled with genuine people and happiness forever and every day that I realize that is the best day of my life.

I don't spend all my time thinking about this, no. I have bigger things to worry about. But sometimes it gets to me and I get all emotional about it. It's probably also ridiculous to be so happy about the quality of the friends that I have, but I don't care. I've done more happy crying this year than I ever have before and that is fine with me.

As a closing note, before I start happy crying again: my dear, dear friends, you mean more to me than words can say.

yer pal,
swegan :)