Wednesday, October 23, 2013

So I think it's time I stopped thinking about 7th grade

7th grade, 7th grade, 7th grade. Like honestly, it was how many years ago, and I think about it way too often. I'm not sure why. Yeah, I had a huge miserable crush on a guy who was nothing but horrible to me but I don't know why I inflate that and make such a big deal out of it, and so I decided to stop being such an asshole about it.
Look, that guy was not nice to me. He wasn't. He didn't handle anything well, he was totally rude and mean to me, he was not a great person in general. But then the other day I thought about his life, or what I knew about it. He lived near me, and I'm pretty sure his house consisted entirely of older brothers. It was common knowledge- or at least somehow I found out- that his mom had died when he was born. Well, he and his twin brother. And I just thought, well, okay. He's a person. And growing up without a mom has got to suck. I mean, like, on some level, I have some sympathy for the guy. Despite the fact that is a total asshole, I don't think his life was easy. I mean, he seemed well-adjusted enough and the scar on his face never bothered him a bit (plus he was one of the cool kids so nobody gave him any crap about it). I think he viewed me as making his life difficult or something. Here I was, this girl who still looked like she was 8 who was in the terms of my middle school a total loser because I had zero athletic ability, someone who didn't understand how to fit in. I tried so hard in middle school to just be normal, to just be like everyone else, but at the same time I didn't want to be like everyone else and everything just clashed in a horrible way because of that. I think part of it was physical- the other girls all developed fairly early, they all at least looked like they were 13, whereas some waitress mistook me for being in 3rd grade when I was 13. So I didn't have that going for me- I was short, flat-chested, still a kid. And there was nothing wrong with that, but everyone seemed to act like there was something wrong with that, and that was the problem.
So for some reason, perhaps because I broke the boundaries of what was acceptable or something, they decided to tease me. I suppose it was easy to get a reaction out of me, which was my biggest weakness. I think there were even times they'd ask me questions and hold a conversation with me in class and I wouldn't know that I was giving the totally wrong answers, that they were leading me on, playing on how naive I was and taking advantage of it, and everyone was watching and I didn't have a clue. His older brother was great at that. And maybe that's why I hate it when people decide to play tricks on me like that, decide to play on my naivete, and that's why I have absolutely no respect for people when they do that. I think that hurts more than anything else, than any of the name calling. The idea that everyone was laughing at me when I thought everything was fine.
Oh my god, I never even realized that until now. Fuck. Why did I decide to reflect on this?

No. 7th grade was a bad idea wrapped in more bad ideas and there was good there, I swear, there was good in that I liked my teacher and I was good at my classes and I got to read a lot and I had friends, I did, friends who didn't mind my weirdness and didn't take advantage of how stupid I was about other things. That's what good people do. I can't give him a free pass because his home life wasn't great. You don't get to be an asshole and get away with it just because other people have it better or worse than you do.

I need to chuck 7th grade into the trash, I need to forget about it. It's not doing me any good to remember hurt that happened in the past. People always say they have scars that will never heal and I still don't feel like I'm entitled to say that. I got called names, I got embarrassed, I got preyed upon. The end. So what. Other kids have to go through way worse, so who am I to act like any of that affected me? I went to the right high school, didn't I? I met people who showed me how to be and what good people are like, people who accepted me as I was with no questions asked, people who were just happy to have another member of the group. I will always be thankful for that, I will never regret the decision I made to go to that high school. It was such a life changer and I don't think I give it enough credit for that. High school was like finding out that I wasn't going to be a loser forever. High school was finding out that more than one teacher will like you because you're good at school and not at sports. High school was kindness and love and friendship. I remember writing in 9th grade "I feel happy, right to my core" and that was so alien to me, that feeling of everything's all right and you're doing fine, and it was so nice to find out I could feel that way and I could be that happy with my life and so I've tried my best to keep up relationships with people who make me feel that way, even though it's not always easy and I'm definitely not very good at it.

I think high school is important to remember when discussing middle school. Because middle school ended. There was a time when middle school was over, and I didn't have to go back again. There was a time when high school began and my entire life changed for the better. The bad stuff ended. It's over now and I don't have to go back anymore.

I do, however, have to go back to university, because my next class starts at noon and I want to be there early to eat my lunch. And it feels so good to say that, to know that even if life sucked once, I moved on (well, mostly) and didn't let it stop me. I have always tried to be resilient and I think I am, to some degree. I think I recover from setbacks quickly. I think I know how to get back on my feet, and you know what, I think that's a valuable skill to have but you have to get knocked down to figure it out and maybe I'm not quite standing up yet because I can't shake some things that happened to me when I was 12 that really aren't that big of a deal. But I guess all I can do is move forwards... towards my next class, my next day, my next year, etc. It's cheesy but cheesy stuff always comes out of posts like this.

yer pal,
swegan :)

No comments:

Post a Comment

comment-type-thingies