Saturday, October 12, 2013

So yeah it's good to be home and all

but at the same time being home feels like going back in time and it's meshing uncomfortably with all that's happened in the last month and a half. I was a little homesick, sure, but the place I was staying was so nice and my classes are so reasonably challenging and the weather was so beautiful that I kind of miss that place now. I mean... I guess there's good here and there. Here I can eat when it's convenient for me and I can take as much or as little as I feel like I could reasonably eat. I can wear my short-shorts and Mamma Mia t-shirt out to the kitchen and just sit there and pet the dog and enjoy my breakfast. My bed is bigger, which is weird now because I'm not used to that anymore and I kind of like being able to bundle myself up in that room; I like being able to watch light enter the sky again in the morning, I like that room. I like that there's a Safeway a block away so if I want to buy snacks, I can (I mean within the limitations of my budget of course) and no one is around to judge me. THOSE LITTLE HERSHEY'S DROPS THINGS ARE MY KRYPTONITE I SWEAR TO GOD LIKE I WILL NEVER BE SICK OF THEM.

I like university, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. I like having time to myself and I like being responsible for my own life and getting myself places on time and I like that I walk lots so I'm in a better mood most of the time and I like the cute boys, I love that they're everywhere. I love that I decide how to manage my time now. I love that it's my life, I just love it. I mean yes my parents have been very supportive and helped out a lot more than I think I give them credit for, and I love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them, but holy adulthood, this is fun. I'm probably doing everything wrong and I don't even care. At least I'm the one who's doing it wrong. At least I'm making my own decisions. I dunno. It's just nice, the independence I have now. And I know now that to stay behind would have been the wrong decision for me. I mean, I miss my friends so much but I have been talking with all of them a lot. It feels too early to say so, but I think a lot of the friendships I made in high school will last for quite some time. And I want them to. I want to be friends with people like Lucy and Vince and Omnia and Haurie and Artifex and so many people who don't even have nicknames, such sacrilege, because I like them as people and they're just great and GAH, FRIENDS.

I guess home feels more like I'm part of a family again. University feels like just me. Which makes me sound incredibly selfish but no, what I mean is that I get to make my own life and it's a lot of fun. I'm sure this is still the easy part, but so what, we all get there in our own time. I'm not a fan of people being like "well you're only in high school that's just the easy stuff" like no fuck you they can't help that they were born later they'll get to the hard stuff later okay. Like yes being a university student is probably easy compared to other things in life but jesus fucking christ who even cares I have to start somewhere, don't I?
Considering bumping up my degree, though. I should have learned... I can always downgrade from an honors or specialization degree, but now I have to keep my grades high to upgrade to one, ugh. WHY DIDN'T I JUST APPLY FOR HONORS LIKE I HAD THE MARKS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Whatever. I guess as long as I do something with my general science degree in biology (the fine arts degree of the sciences, I swear to god) that's better than nothing. Also I could do grad school if I wanted, but that sounds very intimidating and like a lot of hard work and just no. Then again maybe it will sound different after I finish a bachelor's degree.

I had a thought about that the other day. Why is it a bachelor's degree? And then I thought back to the sexist days of the long-ago past (not to say that sexism doesn't still exist b/c it does just not in the same ways) when women weren't allowed to get an education and I thought "oh so maybe when young men were young bachelors they would go and get degrees, and that's why they're called bachelor's degrees, and then later when they were the masters of their household if they wanted to go back and get more education they would have a master's degree" and I'm not even sure if that's how it works but that makes a lot of sense to me. I'd love to be able to get a bachelorette's degree. Why don't they let you do that?
Although I suppose now it's more "undergraduate degree" and "graduate degree" than it is "bachelor's degree" and "master's degree", which is pleasingly gender-neutral and more up-to-date since, y'know, people don't have to get a degree right away. Getting a degree is optional (although I'm guessing it's way more common nowadays which just bums me out b/c that means more competition and I'm like UGH WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE SPECIAL I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WTF) and it's also a huge fucking privelege in terms of the world. Isn't it something like "if the world were a village of 100 people only 1 would have a university degree" like shit I AM PART OF THE 1% OF THE WORLD THAT IS GETTING A UNIVERSITY EDUCATION HOLY SHIT also why do we put "an" before words that start with vowels like "an apple" or "an eggplant" or "an example" but when you do it with university, "an university" is wrong?? u was a vowel last time I checked. Damn the English language, and thank god I'm a native speaker.

yer pal,
swegan :)

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