Let's pretend we're 12 again.
I mean I know that's not the funnest thing for some of us to do, and there's probably some people out there who, at 12, were slightly more rational than most. I was not one of those people. 12 year old me, as I've said many times, was a gigantic idiot who ended up messing up her life quite a few times. 12 year old me was ridiculed and embarrassed more than I'd like to admit. 12 year old me had it rough at school. I am assuming that is because 12 year old me looked like a 7 year old, and all the other girls looked like, well, 14 year olds, and because I was smart and had a big mouth and could never keep it shut. (I'd like to say 13 year old me learned from these mistakes. On some level perhaps she did, but she was still very stupid. 14 year old me got quite an education when I switched schools and learned how to be a regular person who was capable of expressing things in a normal way and did not have crushes on assholes who ruined her life) (I mean okay on some level Nerd is a bit of an asshole, to the point where I don't like talking to him much... but compared to the assholes I had to deal with in middle school, he's a saint).
For some reason, I go back to being 12 a lot. And lately- well, less so since I moved far far away and started a new life far away from everything I knew, which, though it means cutting out a lot of good, familiar things, also means getting away from poisonous memories- I have been doing it more and more.
And it's always because of my stupid nickname.
My friends all use it now... well, some of them do. Just today when I said goodbye to Lucy, she called me by my nickname. I use it. I use it on a lot of sites because "swegan" is an unusual nickname and it is not usually taken by anyone else. I like this nickname on some level. It's realistic- a cool spin on my actual name. But it was thought up and popularized by a bunch of assholes who made my life miserable in middle school, and for some reason I just never got rid of it and now I'm kind of realizing that that's confusing me.
I mean, just... I can never change where this nickname got its origins from. I can't, it will always be from him, that poisonous boy who broke my heart. It will always be from that time, when I was stupid and naive and unwittingly got myself into a whole mess of trouble. I can't change the way it comes from a tainted beginning. I can't change any of that.
But then I think, well, by continuing to use it, am I not totally defying those origins? I'm sure that nickname was born out of hate or something, some desire on his part to embarrass me and make me sad. All of my other middle school nicknames (smeagol, gollum (ever so briefly), melchy) were. But then maybe it wasn't. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I got that nickname before things got bad. He was just annoying me. I was fun to tease at that point. I've always been fun to tease and it's something I hate about myself. But they could get a reaction out of me, so they did, and it amused them to no end, and of course 12 year old me loved the attention because I was a nerdy loser. Later, when he found out, things got nasty. And not a lot of things happened, I can tell you that. There were maybe 8 incidents over two years, but it was so clear during that whole time that the hate those incidents were born out of never went away. It was like background noise.
But if it was a nickname intended to be a weapon, then am I defying those origins by continuing to use it? By saying "well, you know what, I actually like this nickname so I'm going to keep it and you can't do anything about it" am I giving him a giant middle finger? I really don't think so.
What I think is that I'm hanging on to middle school for some reason. It was horrible, it was. But for some reason none of that mattered after middle school to everyone else. On some level I'm convinced that I shouldn't be so affected by this. Why don't I just forget about it and move on? All my tormentors clearly have. Nobody else seems to think about the bullies from their past as often as I do. And my bullying wasn't even that bad. I mean, sure, it was sick and twisted because I liked him and I can't for the life of me remember why since nothing about him is in any way likable. But why am I still not over this? Why is it this that I can't get past? For christ's sake, I had my heart broken last year by a boy who was actually a decent person and I got over that just fine. We're even friends... sort of. Well, at any rate we're decent to each other, which is really great.
I feel stupid for even thinking about middle school. I should just forget all of the bad times, pretend like they never happened. I mean, well, maybe not that. But I should be able to say "what's in the past is what's in the past and I can't change it", but I can't do that and I'm driving myself up the wall trying to figure out why. I just want to be done with it. All of it.
Sometimes I think it's because maybe people admire people more who have come from adversity and made something of themselves. Maybe I latch onto it for that. Maybe I like to pretend I, too, was a victim of bullying, when in reality it was just made all the worse by a stupid crush. I don't really have any right to claim that this has scarred me and I don't feel like it has, but then there's always the matter of my nickname to come back to.
I've considered dropping it. I've considered asking people to stop calling me swegan, to sign my blog posts something else even though I can never change my nickname, and then I think of all the other internet sites I have a membership to with this nickname, and I realize it's impossible to get it out of my life. But I feel like by using it I'm just dragging a useless past into my future and I need to stop doing that and the only way I can think of is to just stop using it actively. Come up with new nicknames for sites. Christ, though, I signed up for my math homework site with this nickname. It's just so fucking convenient.
But I can't discern for myself whether taking this nickname and using it to describe myself is a good idea or not. I know I should be able to decide that for myself but clearly I can't.
I know it sounds really stupid. I know I need to get over this, stop acting like middle school was some horrible thing that happened to me when really it wasn't all bad, stop acting like it's affected my development because it hasn't. I graduated high school with a provincial diploma and an IB diploma. I've written research papers galore. I've done tons of piano exams. I managed to make a new circle of friends with great people who are really nice to me and treat me like a human being worthy of respect and love and I love them to death for doing that. I'm in university already- and a great one at that, doing well. I've written about 6 novels, though only 4 of them are marginally readable, and only 1 is one I feel like I could edit into something great. I have this whole future ahead of me. Not to mention my self esteem is fine- no eating disorders, no mental disorders, nothing. I've never harmed myself. I've learned to love myself and have confidence and try to be kind to others and help them if I can. I volunteered throughout my last two years of high school and have grown up to be very principled. So why the actual fuck am I still wasting brain space thinking about a time when I was none of that at all? When I was just a kid having a slightly rough time because of slightly stupid choices? Why do I even care that I kept a nickname from middle school?
Well if I've learned anything through this big-ass ramble it's that I don't even fucking know and I don't think I ever will and even though it makes me feel like I'm 12 all over again I'll never quite get over middle school, which sounds really, really stupid, but then so did 80% of the things I said when I was 12.
But the question is... do I keep the nickname? Aside from how impossible it is to remove, I know I could theoretically move forward and never use that nickname again, eradicate it from my life as much as I possibly can, leave it in the past like the rest of my past. I mean I'd have to find a new nickname, but I'm sure I'd manage.
Just thought I'd put that out there, because I know that this blog is getting hits and so people must be reading the stuff I write at least some of the time, yes? Also because last time I checked I knew about 5 friends that know about this blog but I am guessing it became a bit too boring for them to check every day or something- which I understand, and as I've said before, the point of this whole thing isn't to get comments, it's just to write shit and have it be publicly viewable even if none of the public is viewing it. The idea that people could read it is enough for me, and so is that question.
Nickname: Yes or No?
yer pal,
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