unf

no you know what i'm allowed to be mad about things i can't control. on some level, i have accepted that i have to write a deferred final exam in january (or at least this is my guess) because two of my finals are on the same day at the same goddammned fucking time. but you know what i was kind of looking forward to my first christmas off in three years but guess who gets to wait until summer again to have a real break.

i dunno i just feel like these things keep happening and i keep reacting emotionally to all of them. some are good- the bio textbooks came in early so i can start catching up now. some are bad, like this exam kerfuffle. some are just sort of not that great- like one of my english books, the one on all the technical aspects of writing, is all sold out at the bookstore. some are slightly okay- like my chem prof being a reasonable person and saying "well obviously some questions on this problem set you can't do until we've covered it in class". some help level out the stress- like all the resources i have to help me with my math assignments now, and the fact that our second math assignment looks more like stuff we've covered in class and so i think i'll be able to do more of it on my own, and the fact that i got a couple more questions right today on that assignment so that my grade is now about 63% or so. i haven't completed the assignment, i have 21/33 questions correct... but still, i've passed and the mark can only increase from here.

some are also mildly okay- the girl who sits next to me in bio (i have a feeling she will soon need a nickname) and i chatted a bit today when our prof tried to load a video on internet explorer and it didn't work and it took the tech guy like 10 minutes to fix the problem (imo the problem was internet explorer- he had other browsers there. i don't understand why he didn't just use firefox or chrome... sometimes adults just really don't know anything about the internet, i guess). she seems pretty cool and she's easy to talk to and we sit together every class- both because we have a class right after we have to get to. mine's in a nearby science building, but hers is all the way across campus in humanities.

and then there's all these opportunities everywhere- at the start of big lectures someone will come in and talk to us about this work opportunity or this chance to travel abroad and some of them seem pretty cool but not cool enough to tempt me out of a summer at home. i mean i can work during the summer, my parents are hoping i get a lab job since those seem flexible.. if they aren't, i will be hella pissed. i-just like every other human being on the planet- need some time off, and i am determined to get that. i am prioritizing it. i have four months in summer instead of just two now, though, so that's nice- i could go for a lazy summer at home. from what my parents tell me, they'd be glad to have me back for a while.

i suppose the only work i really MUST do tonight is philosophy, since that's the only class i actually have tomorrow. actually i think wednesdays this semester will be light immediate-homework-loads, with only a bio lab and philosophy to prepare for. and then i guess i'll have to be doing english essays ahead of time all the time. ugh. i know i've done plenty of essays before, but every time any teacher tells me i have to do more, i just want to sit and cry. when will i be done writing essays? from what my dad tells me, it sounds like not for at least a few more years. ugh. i'm just so fucking done with essays. i think i have been since all those history ones we had to write by hand this year. i'm sick of thesis statements and body paragraphs and finding a specific point to defend and then looking for evidence in support of it. i'm tired of writing conclusions. i'm tired of separating things into groups of three arguments. i'm just sick of it all. do essays even serve a purpose in the real world, anyway? all essays i've ever read that have been published somewhere never ever stick to the intro-3body-conclusion format. they're just writing about something and touching on different aspects of it. it doesn't even have to be something serious or some theme from literature. look, don't get me wrong, i like literature, and i like discussing it and thinking about it and reading it again. but i do not like taking pieces of literature apart and stuffing them into the essay mould based on themes and ideas. that, to me, seems almost sacreligious. besides, i seriously don't see any real-world application to having this particular skill.

i should go down and eat dinner but i don't want to. i don't want to be around people. i just want to... shit, i don't even know. i'd like to not have to study over christmas break, but it's not like there's anything i can actually do about that. i'd like to have less homework, but that's just lazy and it's not like i don't have plenty of free time now to do my homework. i'd love to have my friends here, but i know that 99% of them are all away studying at schools they think are right for them and that makes me happy.

i just feel like over the past few days it seems like more and more and more, things make me want to cry. i was going to say things want to make me cry, which is technically incorrect, but now that i think about it that actually is how everything feels sometimes at the moment. i know it's only been a week. but hey, there's only 13 or 14 or 15 weeks in a semester and if i just keep getting more stuff to do i feel like i'm going to explode and collapse and just start bawling in the middle of a crowd of people. i've been holding it in very well the past few days, determined not to cry and embarrass myself in public, and then at home, determined not to let the stress get to me like it did last year so many times. the only thing right now that's preventing this semester from being like last semester is my lack of crying, and i guess a lack of understanding sometimes. although the severe lack of times i actually feel in control of everything and like i can accomplish what i set out to is basically the same. or maybe it isn't, i don't know. i don't even remember why i cried last year. i think sometimes i was tired, sometimes i didn't care, sometimes i didn't understand and something was due right away.

ugh. just everything this week feels like a lot. i mean obviously i'll still keep going and keep doing things and taking breaks and plunging right back in to do more things but i already feel mentally exhausted and my emotions are quickly catching up. phyiscally i managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night which was really nice. i'm just really sick of things happening. i just want to be settled in assignments, volunteer commitments, and security, and some kind of routine. i lack structure right now and it just sucks. i'm not one of those people who likes things to be all over the place. i need structure and for things to be a certain way so that i can stick to it. that's why i like mondays, wednesdays, and fridays so much- the structure is there. i have things that cannot be avoided at a specific time that's early but not too early and i can get things done and then relax later. that's what i like. i like doing classes in the morning. i hate night classes, as i have had to learn the hard way. speaking of which i should probably hurry up and see if i can take women's studies at another time next semester.

yer pal,
swegan :(