Going out vs. staying in

So last night, my roommate and her friends all went out to the bar again. And what did I do? Stayed in, had a dance party (the people below me were out- I know b/c cute engineering guy lives in the apartment below me, although he was slightly less cute this morning when he was so hungover he could barely eat his breakfast. I mean go out and do whatever you want, I'm not one to tell you what to do, but that doesn't mean I find the idea of getting so wasted you don't remember how you got home appealing, nor do I like the idea of a hangover, and I would just rather go out sober and I don't understand why you did this and I just don't find it to be an attractive quality SO SUE ME), talked to Artifex over skype, and finished a book. I did kind of wish I could be out with everyone else, but from what I heard, they all got separated. I'm not entirely sure I want to roll with this crowd now... or at least, not go out as often as they do. I just want to hang out with people who don't think that every non-school night necessitates alcohol. But when they're not going out/getting drunk, they're all nice people and they're fun to hang out with. Given that I have like 1 friend in this city right now, I'm clinging to this. But I am not getting wasted, and I am not trying any beer. Beer is carbonated, and carbonation gives me calories. Also it's just gross. And I'm worried about my safety going out if everyone is drunk, not to mention it's harder to have a good time when you're the only one who's sober.
And now I've been inside all day (I am hanging out with Lucy later, thank god, I have to get out of here at least once per day I swear or else I go insane), did some philosophy (I am thinking I will always do the study questions, they help make everything make sense), and skyped with my little sister. And I have been on the internet, which is basically what I do with a lot of my free time. My roommate went for a run. She's... she had a bigger social life before university, she said she likes being busy and having stuff to do. I'm used to staying in and not doing anything- I like going out, but I prefer it to be sans alcohol and I don't understand why none of them are down for that.
I feel like on my birthday, like yay you want to take me out, thank you, but can I have some conditions since it's my birthday? Like for starters, nobody peer pressures me to drink. Drink if you want, I don't care, but I'm not having any. And also, don't bug me about leaving early. Or wanting cake. IS IT TOO MUCH TO WANT SOME FUCKING CAKE ON MY BIRTHDAY I THINK NOT. I'd rather just have a little gathering somewhere or go out to a restaurant or some shit. I don't really want to go out to the bar. And the best thing? To have someone be sober with me. I hate being the only sober person in a bunch of drunk people, and it also scares me a little bit. Drunk people can't walk home with me and provide safety in numbers- I firmly believe that me walking with a drunk person is the same as me walking home alone.
So. No alcohol for me, don't stay out too late, have some cake, and have a buddy. I doubt the last one will happen, but I'd get along without it.
What sucks though is the guy I have a crush on currently runs with this crowd and I just... I can't live like they do. I'm a nerd, I'm a geek, I'm kind of a loser, but that's okay. I like being this way, it's how I'm comfortable. But I like going out, too. I like dancing, I like loud music (not TOO loud, though, because I have this stupid ear that makes funny sounds and hurts if things get too loud), I like being out with people.
That's why I'm sad that I can't join the dance team- they practice when my night class is, and I don't want to stir things up by moving that class all of a sudden. This is my first semester. I just want to go with things. I know I'm supposed to take opportunities and go outside my comfort zone but fuck that, I'm in a new city living a new life. I want some fucking comfort.
I did find skating hours at the rink, which will only work twice a week, but it'll be winter eventually and then all these other rinks will be open (there are a LOT of rinks here) and I can go more frequently at times that fit my schedule better. I also can't go on Tuesdays once labs start- my labs go from 8-11 AM, and the skating hours are from 11-11:45 AM. I'd get maybe half an hour... okay so I could go. And I will. I love skating. I love the feeling of flying over the ice, the feel of skates on my feet, my hair flying behind me. It's as close to flying as I can get. Plus I love the smell of a skating rink. I don't know why. I just do. And then there's Amnesty international, which should be a fun thing to get involved in (it's as close to a feminist club as I could find- honest to god. No writing clubs, either.) (Plus, y'know, human rights are hella important), and this super-awesome space-exploration-technology club. It sounds... kind of technical (they build rockets and stuff and inside my head I was screaming I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT I AM NOT VERY TECHY AT ALL WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN THIS CLUB HOLY SHIT) but I figure I do have to take some risks, and astrophysics/astronomy is something that really interests me.

I've been feeling bad about staying in, too, but to that I now say: Fuck this. This is my life now, I am out making it far more than I was in high school. The classes I take, what I major in, what I do with my life are all up to me. I am getting involved but I am not doing it everywhere. Next year I'll keep in mind not to take friggin' night classes, and I can always join the dance team then- it's not like it's going away. Plus I'll be better adjusted to university then.
And as for my staying in, well... what else was I supposed to do? I feel bad, like I'm forgetting something- IB guilt that haunts the recesses of my mind- but honestly I think that's just math, which I am going to try to do right now anyway.
Tonight I'll probably have a shower, and then watch "Miss Representation" (THIS IS ON CANADIAN NETFLIX HOLY SHIT YES I LIKE THIS!) and maybe read a book.



OOH SIDE NOTE: I have to say, out of all the book covers I've ever seen, the ones in the "Book of Ember" series are by far the most gorgeous. I love how simple they are, and yet the colours are so... just... everything about these covers is perfect. And the story, too- lord, the story. The characters. THE CHARACTERS. It's just so good. One of my favourite series of all time. I think it's described as science fiction for people who don't like science fiction, which is an excellent description. The movie really didn't do it enough justice. Please, read the books. They're so good. The Diamond of Darkhold is by far my favourite, but my favourite cover is The People of Sparks and just READ THEM PLS OMG.

yer pal,
swegan :)