You know what bothers me though

Is when people are like "yeah 'cause swegan's so tiny, she has to go eat supper so she doesn't wither away" and "what are you talking about, swegan, you're so little" and just in general I get complimented on how tiny I am, or it is commented on a lot, and it really doesn't sit well with me.

For one, there is more to me than the fact that I am tiny and I would appreciate it if we could accept that. I am thin because this is how I am and also my mother was a dietician so I ate a lot of things like whole grains and fruits and vegetables and have been taught good eating habits (although in the same breath my mother also engages in a lot of fat-shaming and even slut-shaming with my sister a little bit (she constantly tells Freckles that "you can't wear that stuff honey, it's too short" like so what if it's too short mom fuck you you let me wear it why won't you let my sister wear it she can't help that she was born tall jesus fuck) (I have had this conversation with mom many many times)). I also come from a strong family which gives me love and support and that's helped with my self esteem so I haven't turned to damaging eating behaviours. End of story. I can't help any of that.

Secondly, the fact that people comment on this all the time and tell me how much of a good thing it is leads me to have this constantly nagging fear of gaining weight. I fear that I will suddenly start gaining weight like there's no tomorrow no matter how well I'm eating or how much I exercise, and people will stop complimenting me on my appearance. I feel guilty for having days where I eat a lot of ice cream. My mother doesn't help with this either. She always reminds me that I'm good at the size I am, and she implies that for me to get any bigger would be a sin. I fear that I won't be able to wear stylish clothes anymore- my mother tells me that too, saying "you won't be able to dress like this if you gain any weight" and things along that line. I have been told before that I'm lucky because everything fits me and I can wear anything, to which I reply actually no because I have that "this shirt would fit if I had boobs" problem all the time. I'm a person. Not everything fits me. The end.

Thirdly, this causes me to pride myself on my tiny-ness. I am proud of the fact that I am skinny- this is half of what I mean by being happy with my body. On one hand, I appreciate good things to appreciate. I like my hair. I have a nice face. I have really big eyes (apparently). I have small feet, I like that. I have long legs. I like these things about myself. But then it's also that I like that I am small. That I am skinny. And I shouldn't like myself because of that. Because that is a dangerous slippery slope of doom I don't want to go down.

More and more I've started to think I should confront my mother on these things, but I know it won't work out the way it does in TV and Movies. My parents are the kind of parents who are kind of set in their ways, who think they know everything and have evidence to back themselves up. It's really hard to argue with them, which is why I'm lucky I agree with them a lot. Just the idea of telling my mother "hey, you know, it's really none of your business how much I weigh or if I have hair in my armpits or how I choose to dress" makes my insides turn to jello. Seriously. Writing this post makes me feel like jell-o. But that's how I know I'm doing something right but dangerous, that feeling of jell-o. When I stood up to my mom that time she made my sister cry when she misunderstood why my sister was on the phone and thought she wasn't doing homework (let it be known that anyone who messes with my sister incurs the wrath of me. Ain't nobody makes my little sister cry). Whenever I stood up to nerd's sexist jokes at lunch. Whenever I made a comment in general at lunch that something wasn't funny. When I argued with mom that it didn't actually fucking matter if I shaved my legs or not. I felt like jell-o everytime, mostly because I know some people in that group would be quick to turn on me for pointing out someone's wrong.
So maybe I should have that discussion with mom.

Well, there is homework to do still. I just thought it was important to make this post.

yer pal,
swegan :)