Summer was decidedly Not Fun.
I know this because a) I put a lot of posts on here with very clear themes of "running away" and "I'm really sad all the time" and b) because I listened to Beyonce's new CD a lot this summer and so now those songs are tied up with the emotions I was experiencing, and listening to them again brings those feelings back very clearly.
Remembering summer is painful. I constantly felt Not Good Enough and then Not Happy Enough and the two feelings built off each other and spiralled. I wasn't good enough at my lab job. I wasn't good enough at staying in touch with people. I wasn't good enough at spending time with my family. I wasn't good enough at staying healthy (seriously I went through a bag of bulk barn chocolate pretzels every week, and my workout attempts didn't last very long at all). I just Wasn't Good Enough. Everything sucked. My memories of summer, unfortunately, are all tainted with this feeling, even though I had good days.
I had days where I went to see friends, where I came home late and nobody cared, where Freckles and I hung out and watched movies. where I saw friends I hadn't seen in a long, long time. Where I biked around and felt freer, where I worked out and my mood improved, where I drove around listening to loud music. But I also remember having a lot of bad days. I remember every day being a bad day. I was too hot, I had uncontrollable rage at other drivers for the tiniest of mistakes, I was simultaneously mad at other people that had booked the dark room so I couldn't get into it at the time I needed, but also get mad at myself for not figuring out when I'd need it sooner, or showing up earlier. I remember a lot of skype calls with Ptarckas, in which our relationship felt very different to how it does now. I remember eating a lot of chocolate pretzels and dill pickle chips. I remember a lot of mom-comments about my weight, I remember a lot of feeling guilty for wanting to be by myself after work, I remember a lot of bike rides and workouts that were the only things that made me feel good about my life.
I also remember specific events. I remember the two times Vince and I actually ate lunch together, and the time I saw her and Lucy before heading back to school. I remember going to the park with my sister and swinging on the swings and feeling good about life. I remember driving out to an interview at a lab for a job I wasn't going to get, but that had the prettiest commute ever, all mountains behind prairies and endless blue sky (ironically, I was listening to "Blue" on the Beyonce CD for the first time on that drive, so now the song and the experience are connected). I remember how much my knees hurt after one bike ride. I remember the weekend Ptarckas came to visit, a happy spot even though it was severely marked by Parental Comments. I remember being at the cabin and how desperately hot it was, and how fun it was when Freckles had friends out there, and how much the trip to the states for back to school shopping sucked because it meant mom got to make comments about the size of the jeans I tried on, leaving me crying in the changeroom.
All of these memories lead to one thing for me: I do not want to go home next summer. I can't. What if it turns out the same way last summer did? The endless heat in my long pants that were proper lab attire, the endless feeling dragged down and sad, the endless irritation at pointless things, the endless, the endless, the endless. I don't want to go back. I can't figure out WHY.
Maybe part of it is the alone time. Here, I see people at school, I come home, I do homework, I go down for dinner to chat, I come back up. Heck, I didn't even go down for brunch today, and I haven't seen my roommate at all. I've spend basically the entire day alone and I feel fine. I hang out with friends sometimes. I come back when I want, I sleep when I want, I slack off when I want, I study where and when I want. And I study, god I've missed that. There is something nice about school that I didn't get from work, although part of that was that work was the same thing I'd been doing for the past two summers and I was bored- the days in the lab where I did new things were always the most interesting and the ones where I felt the least sad.
I think there's a certain sense of independence here too. I get myself to class on time, on foot or with public transportation, I arrange my schedule, I am in charge. At home I always felt like I couldn't go out after 10 because my parents would wake up if I opened the garage door and also they'd want to know where I'd be going even though I was legally old enough not to have to tell them that. But hey, they still pay for my car insurance, so I guess I shouldn't really push it. Thank god, too, because being in my car used to be a safe space for me, one where I could cry and be alone and not want to ever go inside the house where god forbid I would have to interact with somebody.
The problem is... I'm pretty certain I could get a lab job at home next summer. I went in for an interview-type-thing last summer, and they told me they couldn't offer me a job since I'd applied so embarrassingly late, but that if I applied on time next year there was a fairly good chance- the offer had sounds of certainty to it, and it was at a good lab, and I think a government one as well. A government job is a Big Fucking Deal, and I'd be an idiot not to consider the fact that I have a good shot at getting a government job- I've talked to 3 people there who have labs, they all have my resume, and I've got good past lab experience in addition to a good academic standing and ... well, I don't know if high school actually matters now, but volunteering and the IB program on there as well. Which makes me think I could get a lab job HERE if I tried. And maybe I should try. But the problem is that staying here over the summer is expensive, and my parents would get sad and my sister would get sad and they'd all family-guilt-trip me into coming home because they miss me. And yeah, I miss them too. My sister in particular, because ... well, I guess we kind of drifted apart as we got older, but I like to think there's still something there, some kind of magical sister friendship bond that we have. I'm a shitty sister, and I know it, but I still love her and do like spending time with her. Also, I worry about her way more than I should b/c she IS old enough to be ok, but still. I worry. It's my job. It's how I am. With me gone from the house, what sibling will look out for her? Let's be honest, we all know it isn't my brother, based on past entries (the fb thing still has not caused any tension. We'll see what happens at thanksgiving). I still love him, but god, I really don't like him.
I just have conflicting feelings about going home. The lack of alone time and independence (and also Uni Friends and Boyfriend) leads to a lot of sad for me, but not going home would feel weird, and I'd feel terribly guilty about it.
In short: I'd like to go home for the summer, but not if it's going to be like last summer. I still have until December/January to make decisions about employment (where do I apply? If I get in to certain places, where do I accept the offer? How does that work out for me?)
Anyway. I texted my dad about it (I will text mom, but I am not texting her first because dad this summer actually said that he was sure I wouldn't come home for the summer at some point because he stopped doing that, so I think he'll react to it better), we'll see what he says.
yer pal,
swegan :/
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Away
I pack a suitcase, all comfy clothes. I put it in my car. I leave in the night. I drive to the coast. There, I find a place to stay that looks out onto the ocean.
I spend my days eating popcorn, watching movies, and making food. Sometimes, I buy books and read them. I spend hours in the library and don't feel guilty about it, even though I never finish read anything. I walk along the shore and take thousands of pictures. I talk to nobody. I have the energy to write again.
I sleep for hours. I stay up until 5 AM and go for a walk before going to sleep. I sleep until 3 PM. I eat erratically.
Months later, when I finally feel together again, I come back home.
But for months, I am not responsible for anything or anyone, and answer only to myself.
I feel worn thin like an old rug.
I'm just tired.
Why can't it be August yet.
I spend my days eating popcorn, watching movies, and making food. Sometimes, I buy books and read them. I spend hours in the library and don't feel guilty about it, even though I never finish read anything. I walk along the shore and take thousands of pictures. I talk to nobody. I have the energy to write again.
I sleep for hours. I stay up until 5 AM and go for a walk before going to sleep. I sleep until 3 PM. I eat erratically.
Months later, when I finally feel together again, I come back home.
But for months, I am not responsible for anything or anyone, and answer only to myself.
I feel worn thin like an old rug.
I'm just tired.
Why can't it be August yet.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Sometimes I fantasize about running away from my whole life
This often happens in the summer. I dream of just packing a suitcase, taking my car, all my cash, and just driving away. I wonder what my life might be like if I left behind literally everthing- my family, my friends, my education, my home. Obviously it's still a thought too scary to contemplate, but sometimes I still think about it, and how I am bound here.
I'm bound by money- I wouldn't last very long on what funds I do have, and I obviously wouldn't have a job anymore. I'd be lonely- there are so many people I love here, and care deeply about. I am firmly attached to them, and seeing a friend go is always sad. And I'd miss the comforts of home- I've lived here all my life, and I know how everything works here. In fact, if I wanted to go far enough away that I'd really leave my life, I'd probably have to leave the country. The closest place to here is the US, and like hell I'd want to go there.
But I still entertain fantasies of it. I guess not really so much leaving my current life, but just... if my life had been different.
I think this is why riding my bike brings such joy. I'm allowed to leave my house, be outside, be away for a few hours, on my own. I'm an adult now, nobody can stop me, my parents can't technically say "you're not allowed" because I'm the only one who's allowed to say what I can and can't do now.
I think that's another bind I have- my parents. There isn't anyone stopping me from going out and driving around for 3 hours on a Friday night, but they would worry and call, and if I didn't come home on time, they'd stop supporting me in some small way. I still rely too much on their support, I'm not even close to independent. So even though I have technically moved out and I do whatever I want in the new city, I'm still cautious.
I've noticed that about myself, too- I feel so responsible and mature. I can't get drunk because I want to be in control of my actions at all times. That's why I like driving- I'm in control of where I go. And it's even evident in how I care for my sister, how I try and help around the house, and even stupid things like needing to definitively know where I'm going when going somewhere unfamiliar: familiarizing myself via google maps, because I remember what streets look like better than what they're named, knowing the exact address, having a GPS and a phone app that will help me if I get lost. Being the DD, constantly.
I think I figure I just understand why people like having a caretaking role. I like being a caretaker, to a certain extent. And since I'm not even in my 20s yet and people kind of expect me to be selfish and reckless and curious and explore everything (kind of like a puppy?)... I don't know. It makes sense to me to take care of others at a time when I have free reign to care only about myself.
I dunno, I'm in a weird mood tonight, like that mood where you romanticize everything. I think this is about as drunk as I get. And I'm fine with that.
I need a road trip and a carnival.
yer pal,
swegan
I'm bound by money- I wouldn't last very long on what funds I do have, and I obviously wouldn't have a job anymore. I'd be lonely- there are so many people I love here, and care deeply about. I am firmly attached to them, and seeing a friend go is always sad. And I'd miss the comforts of home- I've lived here all my life, and I know how everything works here. In fact, if I wanted to go far enough away that I'd really leave my life, I'd probably have to leave the country. The closest place to here is the US, and like hell I'd want to go there.
But I still entertain fantasies of it. I guess not really so much leaving my current life, but just... if my life had been different.
I think this is why riding my bike brings such joy. I'm allowed to leave my house, be outside, be away for a few hours, on my own. I'm an adult now, nobody can stop me, my parents can't technically say "you're not allowed" because I'm the only one who's allowed to say what I can and can't do now.
I think that's another bind I have- my parents. There isn't anyone stopping me from going out and driving around for 3 hours on a Friday night, but they would worry and call, and if I didn't come home on time, they'd stop supporting me in some small way. I still rely too much on their support, I'm not even close to independent. So even though I have technically moved out and I do whatever I want in the new city, I'm still cautious.
I've noticed that about myself, too- I feel so responsible and mature. I can't get drunk because I want to be in control of my actions at all times. That's why I like driving- I'm in control of where I go. And it's even evident in how I care for my sister, how I try and help around the house, and even stupid things like needing to definitively know where I'm going when going somewhere unfamiliar: familiarizing myself via google maps, because I remember what streets look like better than what they're named, knowing the exact address, having a GPS and a phone app that will help me if I get lost. Being the DD, constantly.
I think I figure I just understand why people like having a caretaking role. I like being a caretaker, to a certain extent. And since I'm not even in my 20s yet and people kind of expect me to be selfish and reckless and curious and explore everything (kind of like a puppy?)... I don't know. It makes sense to me to take care of others at a time when I have free reign to care only about myself.
I dunno, I'm in a weird mood tonight, like that mood where you romanticize everything. I think this is about as drunk as I get. And I'm fine with that.
I need a road trip and a carnival.
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Everyone is travelling
I am beginning to experience the phenomenon of feeling like your life is sub-par via facebook. Usually this is true for people in their 20s, watching friends get married and start having kids. I just graduated high school last year, so we're not quite at that stage yet, but I do have a couple of friends (3 on facebook, to be exact) who keep travelling places all the time.
Okay seriously I need a nickname for one of these people, as I have been seeing her more and more. TIME TO USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE TO FIND A WORD AND THEN ALTER IT SO IT SOUNDS GOOD ENOUGH TO USE.
Hmm, it seems I can actually use the name "clara" which is close to one that I think kind of fits. It is odd to think of calling this person clara, but hey, I have a friend on here whom I refer to as "vince" and I have gotten used to that.
So there's a girl whom I knew very well in ninth grade who's spent a whole year in Europe. I think she already had some friends over there to visit, though, which does make travelling easier. But she's been there for the whole entire year and now she's there for the summer with another girl from high school and they look like they are having such a blast and I AM SO JELLY. But swegan! you cry. You just went to Ireland! That's true, I did, and it was awesome, just like it was last year, plus this time we knew what we were doing. I'd go back to Ireland again any day, as conflicted as I am about their stance on abortion and as confused as I am by how the separation between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland works. All I know is that my parents told me to not wear orange while we were there, and I can't remember why, so I just didn't bring any orange clothing. Better to play it safe, I suppose, even if I might be totally wrong about this whole orange thing.
Anyway, there's another girl I sort of knew (well, I'm facebook friends with her, so I knew her well enough to add her) who's spent her entire year on a student exchange in Brazil. She hasn't posted quite as many photos, but she seems to be having the time of her life as well, and again, JELLY. SO JELLY. (Gah, I sound like ptarckas when I type WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME MAKE IT STOP).
And then there's Clara, who went on a trip I think in high school with a tour company, and I think she's been on one or two more since then. They're very short trips but she got to go to Switzerland and JUST I WANT TO GO TO SWITZERLAND SO BADLY OH MY GOD, so yes, JELLY.
I feel like it is almost expected of me at this age that at some point I will travel to find myself. Or just travel to see the world. I think I already have a pretty good idea of who I am, and I've already been lots of places (something for which I consider myself insanely lucky). I do actually have a trip I'd like to do, and it's one my parents took us on before to visit old friends in Oregon they'd gone to school with. We stopped somewhere in BC for a wedding on our way over to Vancouver, then Victoria Island where we visited some friends (that is where I first learned the magic of guacamole on a sandwich). Then we took a ferry down into the states and drove through I think Olympia on our way down the coast. I can't remember where we stopped and stayed once we got into the states, just that we went down the Oregon coast and oh my stars, it was gorgeous. Somewhere along there, I learned how good clam chowder was, too, and then we got to Portland, which actually seems like a really cool city (and now that I hear more about it, very hipster-y, which I'm not sure is entirely good or bad). On the way back up we didn't go by the coast again, but we went through Spokane and did back-to-school shopping, since, as always, there are stores in the US with way better selection and jeans that actually fit me at the time, and I think it was cheaper because we didn't pay taxes (and it wasn't a pain like not paying taxes in Europe, where you have to fill out forms and stick receipts in envelopes and show your purchases at customs which is a pain since then you can't pack them in your suitcase like srsly Europe what the butt).
I'd change a few things about this trip. Firstly, I'd like it to take more than three weeks- not that that was a short time period, but that in order to do the trip I want I would need more time. I'd go down the Oregon coast again, the same way (stopping in Okanagan valley, maybe heading over to Victoria Island, etc) but this time I would stay longer, do more hikes, take more pictures, explore more (and eat more clam chowder, for the love of god). I don't know if I would visit Portland again, maybe. Whenever I think of Portland I just think of the cupcake place and the used bookstores (where I got a couple of books I have reread many times). That is Portland to me. After Oregon, I'd head into California, because in all honesty I actually do want to visit California. I really want to see the redwoods, Big Sur and Yosemite. And San Francisco, because that actually seems like a very cool city. I don't know how much farther south I'd want to go, nor how we'd get back from such a long trip. You can't drive the same way again, that is boring, but I fear that going inwards means hitting a bunch of desert and I can barely stand driving through Saskatchewan sometimes, so I don't know how I'd handle the desert. At least Saskatchewan sometimes has hills (and even trees!) when we drive through to Regina and Saskatoon and sometimes Moose Jaw (and eventually, Indian Head- which I thought more people would know about as a kid since it was plainly obvious to me as we went through there every time we visited my grandparents). Anyway, my point is that it would probably scare me and I'd worry about the car breaking down in the middle of nowhere and just... yeah. I have no great desire to visit anywhere that is a desert (is that where the word "deserted" comes from? Or is it the other way around?).
On that note, Saskatchewan is actually really pretty, for as much as I complain about driving through it. Sometimes it just gets so desolate, and there's no civilization for hours and hours and hours and oh my god, the one time my dad let me drive in Saskatchewan was the worst. There was a grain elevator in the distance, and I could see it, but it never seemed to be getting closer, and the sun was hot and the road was hazy and painfully straight and I just kept almost dozing off... driving there is hard. Like really, really hard. But then I remember my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary and standing outside the old round barn just outside of Indian Head and watching the sun set, and let me tell you, there is nothing like a sunset in Saskatchewan. You can see everything. It's really beautiful.
My dad once said to me that he finds it sort of irritating the way people go on and on about the natural beauty of mountain wilderness and how it needs to be protected. "I think that they're right to protect it," he said, "but I happen to think the prairies are very beautiful and that they also need to be protected." (I'm paraphrasing, this was a long time ago). I've never forgotten that. My heart may be in the mountains, but my soul (if I have one, which is a discussion for another time) is on the prairies. I've always thought that that was the most succinct way of describing it.
anyway. I actually have a desire to travel now, which is really something. But for now, I'm just here, waiting for my lab job to begin (it was supposed to start Wednesday but then the lady who runs the lab (who is the one hiring me) is the only one who knows where she wants me to work and who I am working with and what I will be doing and she hasn't emailed me back. I don't know when to go in to start work. She did just get back from a trip, but that was (supposedly) on Tuesday night, and I've emailed her three times since then. Nothing. I don't want to just go in and sit around all day, but I really want to do something other than sit around and watch movies this summer. I'm starting to fear that this job will never materialize, that I will never hear back, not even if I go into the lab and sit there all day waiting for her to show up (which I really don't want to do but may have to resort to soon if I don't hear back). I feel very useless just sitting at home. I think if I don't hear from her by... well, probably by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to have to just go sit in the lab all day. Bring a book or two, settle in, and wait. She has to show up eventually, and then I can find out if I still have this job or if something has come up and I'll be working in dad's office all summer). Sigh.
yer pal,
swegan
Okay seriously I need a nickname for one of these people, as I have been seeing her more and more. TIME TO USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE TO FIND A WORD AND THEN ALTER IT SO IT SOUNDS GOOD ENOUGH TO USE.
Hmm, it seems I can actually use the name "clara" which is close to one that I think kind of fits. It is odd to think of calling this person clara, but hey, I have a friend on here whom I refer to as "vince" and I have gotten used to that.
So there's a girl whom I knew very well in ninth grade who's spent a whole year in Europe. I think she already had some friends over there to visit, though, which does make travelling easier. But she's been there for the whole entire year and now she's there for the summer with another girl from high school and they look like they are having such a blast and I AM SO JELLY. But swegan! you cry. You just went to Ireland! That's true, I did, and it was awesome, just like it was last year, plus this time we knew what we were doing. I'd go back to Ireland again any day, as conflicted as I am about their stance on abortion and as confused as I am by how the separation between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland works. All I know is that my parents told me to not wear orange while we were there, and I can't remember why, so I just didn't bring any orange clothing. Better to play it safe, I suppose, even if I might be totally wrong about this whole orange thing.
Anyway, there's another girl I sort of knew (well, I'm facebook friends with her, so I knew her well enough to add her) who's spent her entire year on a student exchange in Brazil. She hasn't posted quite as many photos, but she seems to be having the time of her life as well, and again, JELLY. SO JELLY. (Gah, I sound like ptarckas when I type WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME MAKE IT STOP).
And then there's Clara, who went on a trip I think in high school with a tour company, and I think she's been on one or two more since then. They're very short trips but she got to go to Switzerland and JUST I WANT TO GO TO SWITZERLAND SO BADLY OH MY GOD, so yes, JELLY.
I feel like it is almost expected of me at this age that at some point I will travel to find myself. Or just travel to see the world. I think I already have a pretty good idea of who I am, and I've already been lots of places (something for which I consider myself insanely lucky). I do actually have a trip I'd like to do, and it's one my parents took us on before to visit old friends in Oregon they'd gone to school with. We stopped somewhere in BC for a wedding on our way over to Vancouver, then Victoria Island where we visited some friends (that is where I first learned the magic of guacamole on a sandwich). Then we took a ferry down into the states and drove through I think Olympia on our way down the coast. I can't remember where we stopped and stayed once we got into the states, just that we went down the Oregon coast and oh my stars, it was gorgeous. Somewhere along there, I learned how good clam chowder was, too, and then we got to Portland, which actually seems like a really cool city (and now that I hear more about it, very hipster-y, which I'm not sure is entirely good or bad). On the way back up we didn't go by the coast again, but we went through Spokane and did back-to-school shopping, since, as always, there are stores in the US with way better selection and jeans that actually fit me at the time, and I think it was cheaper because we didn't pay taxes (and it wasn't a pain like not paying taxes in Europe, where you have to fill out forms and stick receipts in envelopes and show your purchases at customs which is a pain since then you can't pack them in your suitcase like srsly Europe what the butt).
I'd change a few things about this trip. Firstly, I'd like it to take more than three weeks- not that that was a short time period, but that in order to do the trip I want I would need more time. I'd go down the Oregon coast again, the same way (stopping in Okanagan valley, maybe heading over to Victoria Island, etc) but this time I would stay longer, do more hikes, take more pictures, explore more (and eat more clam chowder, for the love of god). I don't know if I would visit Portland again, maybe. Whenever I think of Portland I just think of the cupcake place and the used bookstores (where I got a couple of books I have reread many times). That is Portland to me. After Oregon, I'd head into California, because in all honesty I actually do want to visit California. I really want to see the redwoods, Big Sur and Yosemite. And San Francisco, because that actually seems like a very cool city. I don't know how much farther south I'd want to go, nor how we'd get back from such a long trip. You can't drive the same way again, that is boring, but I fear that going inwards means hitting a bunch of desert and I can barely stand driving through Saskatchewan sometimes, so I don't know how I'd handle the desert. At least Saskatchewan sometimes has hills (and even trees!) when we drive through to Regina and Saskatoon and sometimes Moose Jaw (and eventually, Indian Head- which I thought more people would know about as a kid since it was plainly obvious to me as we went through there every time we visited my grandparents). Anyway, my point is that it would probably scare me and I'd worry about the car breaking down in the middle of nowhere and just... yeah. I have no great desire to visit anywhere that is a desert (is that where the word "deserted" comes from? Or is it the other way around?).
On that note, Saskatchewan is actually really pretty, for as much as I complain about driving through it. Sometimes it just gets so desolate, and there's no civilization for hours and hours and hours and oh my god, the one time my dad let me drive in Saskatchewan was the worst. There was a grain elevator in the distance, and I could see it, but it never seemed to be getting closer, and the sun was hot and the road was hazy and painfully straight and I just kept almost dozing off... driving there is hard. Like really, really hard. But then I remember my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary and standing outside the old round barn just outside of Indian Head and watching the sun set, and let me tell you, there is nothing like a sunset in Saskatchewan. You can see everything. It's really beautiful.
My dad once said to me that he finds it sort of irritating the way people go on and on about the natural beauty of mountain wilderness and how it needs to be protected. "I think that they're right to protect it," he said, "but I happen to think the prairies are very beautiful and that they also need to be protected." (I'm paraphrasing, this was a long time ago). I've never forgotten that. My heart may be in the mountains, but my soul (if I have one, which is a discussion for another time) is on the prairies. I've always thought that that was the most succinct way of describing it.
anyway. I actually have a desire to travel now, which is really something. But for now, I'm just here, waiting for my lab job to begin (it was supposed to start Wednesday but then the lady who runs the lab (who is the one hiring me) is the only one who knows where she wants me to work and who I am working with and what I will be doing and she hasn't emailed me back. I don't know when to go in to start work. She did just get back from a trip, but that was (supposedly) on Tuesday night, and I've emailed her three times since then. Nothing. I don't want to just go in and sit around all day, but I really want to do something other than sit around and watch movies this summer. I'm starting to fear that this job will never materialize, that I will never hear back, not even if I go into the lab and sit there all day waiting for her to show up (which I really don't want to do but may have to resort to soon if I don't hear back). I feel very useless just sitting at home. I think if I don't hear from her by... well, probably by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to have to just go sit in the lab all day. Bring a book or two, settle in, and wait. She has to show up eventually, and then I can find out if I still have this job or if something has come up and I'll be working in dad's office all summer). Sigh.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, April 6, 2014
I AM SO SICK OF WEARING PANTS
And by that I mean I would much rather be wearing skirts and shorts and capris and dresses but I fucking can't because IT'S STILL WINTER
WHY IS IT STILL WINTER
Oh, that's right, I moved FURTHER NORTH than I already was to go to uni. Smart thinking, past swegan. Real smart.
But I just
So last night I realized about 10:30 that I really wanted some grapes. Like really, really badly. That and chocolate. It seems PMS symptoms have developed in me over time, as this never used to be an issue. Every month now, I get a new ailment. First it was acne. Then bloating. Then more bloating. Then overheating. And now the cravings are bad. Seriously, it's like my uterus is really pissed off and it's like "YOU'RE-" (acne worsens) "-NOT-" (bloating and cravings) "-PREGNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!" and then suddenly my period arrives and the bloating disappears and the cravings go away and... well, my acne kind of moves in for the week, although I guess I'm lucky because it's really very mild. I also just like to imagine my uterus as really mad that it can't fulfill its sole purpose. Sorry, uterus, I have more important things to do. Like, y'know, finish school and get a job and get married, in that order.
Anyway, so I realized at about like 10:30 that I wanted some grapes and chocolate and so I went to safeway intending to buy grapes and this bag of small mars bars that I had seen on sale with a club card. Of course, on my way towards the other end of the store after picking up the grapes (which were hella delish, might I say) I passed by the bakery section, and they had trays of baked goods there.
I don't know if I've said this before, but I have a huge love for nanaimo bars. They're just the fucking best, and the only Christmas goodie that can top them (yes, they have been topped) are Hello Dollies, which are probably a more common recipe but we use the one in the book my grandma gave my dad and it's like a cookie-crumb-crust on the bottom, and then layers of chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, evaporated milk, sweetened coconut, and walnuts. They are seriously rich and also one of the most delicious things ever.
Jesus, it's 1:20. I need to eat something. I'll be back soon.
~
Anyway, so I bought the nanaimo bars and the grapes and came home and was so happy that nobody was there to say swegan maybe you shouldn't be buying nanaimo bars or spending money on extra food at all and it was just me, happy with my purchases, walking along down the street without a care.
And on the way TO safeway, I had realized that it was actually pretty warm out and I thought it smelled like spring, or at least like the opposite of winter, the smell of dying snow and soggy dirt and birdsong, but on the way home I realized no, it didn't just smell like spring.
It smelled like summer.
There was an unmistakable scent to the air that made me think of last year at the Relay for Life, when I got up to walk laps at 3 AM and the grass was wet and it was chilly but not cold and it smelled like summer. Or the time last summer when I went to watch a meteor shower at 3 AM and got outside to find heavy cloud cover, but stayed outside anyway to listen to the purest silence I've ever heard and smell the night air, deep and ominous. It reminds me of all the summers in the backyard spent around the fire, of all the summers when I'd leave my window open and smell the breeze come into my room. It smelled like the air when we were out at the cabin building a campfire, when we'd go watch fireworks on Canada day on the boat on the lake where my grandparents live. It reminded me of every summer night I've ever experienced. All the meteors I'd counted, mosquito bites I'd gotten, glowsticks I'd used up, marshmallows I'd roasted, stars I'd seen. There's something very magical about summer, even when it's not midday and blinding heat. There's magic in even the cloudy, gray days, in the days where it rains and everything cools off, in the days when it's mild out and I water the plants anyway, watching the tomatoes grow. Summer.
I miss summer a lot, in case you couldn't tell, and I always vow to make the most of summers when they roll around, only to spend them working in a lab and being too tired when I get home to think of doing anything but watching TV with my sister. That's part of why I don't really want to get a job. I want to spend the summer doing summer. I want to be busy all day but doing things like reading bad romance novels at the library or eating ice cream with Artifex or teaching Vince how to ride a bike (I promised her we'd do that this summer) or having water gun fights at which I inevitably lose or taking pictures of Freckles and her friend as they do cartwheels in the park or going to the mall with Zoey and Marissa and buying nothing but food or just sleeping in, waking up when I want to, eating when I want to, dressing how I want to... I just want a break. I want to not be responsible for anything. I don't want to wake up at 8 to get to a job at 9 to work until 5. That's probably part of why I've procrastinated on applying for jobs, because I'm lucky enough not to need one and lazy enough not to want one.
But I'll apply anyway because it's money and experience I should probably be getting, and speaking of which, I need to pass my finals so I should resume studying for those again. And despite my passionate longing for summer, English is canceled tomorrow so I'll be going skating thanks to my three hour break and drop-in skating being at the perfect time
Anyway. Work. Yes
yer pal,
swegan
WHY IS IT STILL WINTER
Oh, that's right, I moved FURTHER NORTH than I already was to go to uni. Smart thinking, past swegan. Real smart.
But I just
So last night I realized about 10:30 that I really wanted some grapes. Like really, really badly. That and chocolate. It seems PMS symptoms have developed in me over time, as this never used to be an issue. Every month now, I get a new ailment. First it was acne. Then bloating. Then more bloating. Then overheating. And now the cravings are bad. Seriously, it's like my uterus is really pissed off and it's like "YOU'RE-" (acne worsens) "-NOT-" (bloating and cravings) "-PREGNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!" and then suddenly my period arrives and the bloating disappears and the cravings go away and... well, my acne kind of moves in for the week, although I guess I'm lucky because it's really very mild. I also just like to imagine my uterus as really mad that it can't fulfill its sole purpose. Sorry, uterus, I have more important things to do. Like, y'know, finish school and get a job and get married, in that order.
Anyway, so I realized at about like 10:30 that I wanted some grapes and chocolate and so I went to safeway intending to buy grapes and this bag of small mars bars that I had seen on sale with a club card. Of course, on my way towards the other end of the store after picking up the grapes (which were hella delish, might I say) I passed by the bakery section, and they had trays of baked goods there.
I don't know if I've said this before, but I have a huge love for nanaimo bars. They're just the fucking best, and the only Christmas goodie that can top them (yes, they have been topped) are Hello Dollies, which are probably a more common recipe but we use the one in the book my grandma gave my dad and it's like a cookie-crumb-crust on the bottom, and then layers of chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, evaporated milk, sweetened coconut, and walnuts. They are seriously rich and also one of the most delicious things ever.
Jesus, it's 1:20. I need to eat something. I'll be back soon.
~
Anyway, so I bought the nanaimo bars and the grapes and came home and was so happy that nobody was there to say swegan maybe you shouldn't be buying nanaimo bars or spending money on extra food at all and it was just me, happy with my purchases, walking along down the street without a care.
And on the way TO safeway, I had realized that it was actually pretty warm out and I thought it smelled like spring, or at least like the opposite of winter, the smell of dying snow and soggy dirt and birdsong, but on the way home I realized no, it didn't just smell like spring.
It smelled like summer.
There was an unmistakable scent to the air that made me think of last year at the Relay for Life, when I got up to walk laps at 3 AM and the grass was wet and it was chilly but not cold and it smelled like summer. Or the time last summer when I went to watch a meteor shower at 3 AM and got outside to find heavy cloud cover, but stayed outside anyway to listen to the purest silence I've ever heard and smell the night air, deep and ominous. It reminds me of all the summers in the backyard spent around the fire, of all the summers when I'd leave my window open and smell the breeze come into my room. It smelled like the air when we were out at the cabin building a campfire, when we'd go watch fireworks on Canada day on the boat on the lake where my grandparents live. It reminded me of every summer night I've ever experienced. All the meteors I'd counted, mosquito bites I'd gotten, glowsticks I'd used up, marshmallows I'd roasted, stars I'd seen. There's something very magical about summer, even when it's not midday and blinding heat. There's magic in even the cloudy, gray days, in the days where it rains and everything cools off, in the days when it's mild out and I water the plants anyway, watching the tomatoes grow. Summer.
I miss summer a lot, in case you couldn't tell, and I always vow to make the most of summers when they roll around, only to spend them working in a lab and being too tired when I get home to think of doing anything but watching TV with my sister. That's part of why I don't really want to get a job. I want to spend the summer doing summer. I want to be busy all day but doing things like reading bad romance novels at the library or eating ice cream with Artifex or teaching Vince how to ride a bike (I promised her we'd do that this summer) or having water gun fights at which I inevitably lose or taking pictures of Freckles and her friend as they do cartwheels in the park or going to the mall with Zoey and Marissa and buying nothing but food or just sleeping in, waking up when I want to, eating when I want to, dressing how I want to... I just want a break. I want to not be responsible for anything. I don't want to wake up at 8 to get to a job at 9 to work until 5. That's probably part of why I've procrastinated on applying for jobs, because I'm lucky enough not to need one and lazy enough not to want one.
But I'll apply anyway because it's money and experience I should probably be getting, and speaking of which, I need to pass my finals so I should resume studying for those again. And despite my passionate longing for summer, English is canceled tomorrow so I'll be going skating thanks to my three hour break and drop-in skating being at the perfect time
Anyway. Work. Yes
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Last night I had a dream
My family went to Australia, I think. It was odd because there weren't any bugs or anything, but I remember standing on a balcony in a big red sweater and feeling the sun and the wind on my face as I looked at the ocean.
I miss the sun. I know that there's good in every season, and that winter certainly has its virtues, but the problem with winter is it always lasts too long. It's possible to have too much of a good thing, and up North, that's especially true.
But I look out my window today and I see the snow melting. Given, we are having a bit of a warm spell this week, but it's still nice to see. More and more lately I walk outside and smell spring, which is odd because spring won't come until I've moved back home.
I just miss summer. I miss the sun. I miss wearing shorts and coming inside after a day spent outside and feeling how my whole body seems to have kept some sunlight for itself; I feel warm, and for once I radiate heat. I miss how my hair feels when it dries after going swimming outside, how it's all dry and crispy and smells like lakewater. I miss the smell of sunscreen and bugspray, I miss my sister and I nervously wiping our bikes clean of cobwebs after being stored in the shed all year. I miss s'mores, I miss the cooking we do outside. I miss the sound of flip-flops on pavement. I miss the summer clothes I can wear when the temperature outside isn't enough to kill me without a jacket. I miss wearing sundresses and feeling hella cute. I miss the food, too. I miss the fruit, the fancy costco quinoa salads, the cheese and crackers, the lemonade we make frozen from concentrate. I miss ice cream, god, do I ever miss ice cream on a hot day. I miss having to wear sunglasses. I miss driving with the windows down when I pick up my sister from school. I even miss the rainy days, the days when the sky is gray and it's perfect for staying outside... or going outside because it's still not that cold. I miss the sometimes-thunderstorms. I don't miss the big ones, the ones that go on for weeks and destroy homes and cities and lives. But I do miss the thunder that accompanied them, so strong it would shake the house. I miss watching thunderstorms. I miss going the mall without having to bring a big heavy winter coat along with me. I miss driving with my friends and singing along to loud music. I miss driving by myself and listening to loud music. I miss singing along, very badly, but joyously, by myself.
Most of all what I miss, though, is the sun. I love lying in the sun... albeit, my strong fear of wasps does sometimes get in the way. I miss being in the backyard and sitting there until I felt too hot and had to go inside to the overly air-conditioned recesses of the house. I miss biking to the lake and sitting in the grass where there was just enough sun to warm me without getting overly hot. I miss how warm my steering wheel and seat would get when I forgot to park in the shade. I miss warming up after getting in the lake, because the lake is always too cold, but at the same time, I remember how refreshing it is to be in the cold lake when the sun is particularly bad.
I just really miss summer today. Of course, currently that's problematic as well, since I have to maintain a long distance relationship this summer (presuming Ptarckas and I don't break up before summer starts, which honestly does not seem likely).
I think I also miss the lack of homework, which, let's be honest, is probably what every university student feels like. But, in the meantime, I should get back to writing my papers. Er, rather, writing one, and stressing until I come up with an idea for the other one.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I miss the sun. I know that there's good in every season, and that winter certainly has its virtues, but the problem with winter is it always lasts too long. It's possible to have too much of a good thing, and up North, that's especially true.
But I look out my window today and I see the snow melting. Given, we are having a bit of a warm spell this week, but it's still nice to see. More and more lately I walk outside and smell spring, which is odd because spring won't come until I've moved back home.
I just miss summer. I miss the sun. I miss wearing shorts and coming inside after a day spent outside and feeling how my whole body seems to have kept some sunlight for itself; I feel warm, and for once I radiate heat. I miss how my hair feels when it dries after going swimming outside, how it's all dry and crispy and smells like lakewater. I miss the smell of sunscreen and bugspray, I miss my sister and I nervously wiping our bikes clean of cobwebs after being stored in the shed all year. I miss s'mores, I miss the cooking we do outside. I miss the sound of flip-flops on pavement. I miss the summer clothes I can wear when the temperature outside isn't enough to kill me without a jacket. I miss wearing sundresses and feeling hella cute. I miss the food, too. I miss the fruit, the fancy costco quinoa salads, the cheese and crackers, the lemonade we make frozen from concentrate. I miss ice cream, god, do I ever miss ice cream on a hot day. I miss having to wear sunglasses. I miss driving with the windows down when I pick up my sister from school. I even miss the rainy days, the days when the sky is gray and it's perfect for staying outside... or going outside because it's still not that cold. I miss the sometimes-thunderstorms. I don't miss the big ones, the ones that go on for weeks and destroy homes and cities and lives. But I do miss the thunder that accompanied them, so strong it would shake the house. I miss watching thunderstorms. I miss going the mall without having to bring a big heavy winter coat along with me. I miss driving with my friends and singing along to loud music. I miss driving by myself and listening to loud music. I miss singing along, very badly, but joyously, by myself.
Most of all what I miss, though, is the sun. I love lying in the sun... albeit, my strong fear of wasps does sometimes get in the way. I miss being in the backyard and sitting there until I felt too hot and had to go inside to the overly air-conditioned recesses of the house. I miss biking to the lake and sitting in the grass where there was just enough sun to warm me without getting overly hot. I miss how warm my steering wheel and seat would get when I forgot to park in the shade. I miss warming up after getting in the lake, because the lake is always too cold, but at the same time, I remember how refreshing it is to be in the cold lake when the sun is particularly bad.
I just really miss summer today. Of course, currently that's problematic as well, since I have to maintain a long distance relationship this summer (presuming Ptarckas and I don't break up before summer starts, which honestly does not seem likely).
I think I also miss the lack of homework, which, let's be honest, is probably what every university student feels like. But, in the meantime, I should get back to writing my papers. Er, rather, writing one, and stressing until I come up with an idea for the other one.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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