How to Be a Person

I'm starting to see people as mashups of things they enjoy, know. Various hobbies, things they like learning about, people they're fans of, what they spend their time doing. Which is probably why I find all my friends so cool and awesome, because they come with a wide range of varying activities and interests and I think that means I've got a good group of friends. Some of those interests I share, some I don't, as would be expected.

Which raises the question of why I find describing my interests and activities so hard. I got asked that earlier this year, "what do you do for fun?" and the question has stuck with me longer than I think it was intended to. I didn't have a good answer. At one point I would have said writing, but I don't know that that's true anymore. I'm trying to make it true. I could say reading, except that I don't do much of that when I'm in the midst of the semester. What do I do for fun?

To be honest, I am the kind of person who needs a lot of down time. I think I'm pretty introverted (though I will almost always say yes to an invitation to hang out, because being with friends is always a good time- always), but more so than that, I think I just... I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up from my family? We never really do exciting stuff- going to classical music concerts is about as exciting as it gets. We all like to recharge and relax by doing things like watching TV, or sitting around reading and eating. We're very, very lazy. So when I went off to university, I'd go to class, come home, do some work, and then stop around 8 or 9, and then for the next three hours, I'd just browse the internet. Facebook. Tumblr. Netflix. The usual. And on the weekends? I'd waste time on the internet until 1 PM, do homework haphazardly until 8 or 9... and then spend more time on the internet.

I'm not very adventurous, either. Whether it's going on an actual adventure, or just going to a bar, I'm always afraid of what might go wrong. There is also the aspect of me not wanting to spend money on something unless I feel like it's worth it. This has led to a lot of internal crises when debating whether or not to buy food, but also when debating whether or not to get A Thing that is for An Activity. If I don't already do that Activity, how can I justify spending money on the Thing? What if I hate the Activity? I'll just find another way. And then I never do.

I suppose one way to fix this is to ask what I want to do. What do I want to do? I want to see my friends more. I want to go to the library more. I want to bike more. I want to read more. I want to go on a trip- nothing big, just a day thing, possibly a couple of days- with friends. I've never actually done that without my parents before, because I am the biggest dweeb in existence. I want to be the kind of person who goes out and does stuff, who goes for walks in the trees to calm down. I want to volunteer more. I wanna go to more things, like plays, and shows, and concerts. I want to learn how to do things like cook and put on makeup and dance (not all the same time, obviously). I have random dreams of doing some kind of canoe trip through the wilderness and doing a road trip across Canada and down the Oregon coast, possibly to California.

And I know it's ok to get stuck in the semester for a little while, to get stuck in work for a little while. To just come home and do lazy things and get myself through it. Despite how boring that sounds, I like school. I really do. I have for a long time. I like that I finally found a degree I want to get. I like that I might get to do an independent study. I like all of it. I like the school, my building, the people, the city (despite how little I've seen of it).

I think maybe the issue is something like I'm still stuck feeling like I'm a kid, or like I'm 15, or whatever. Like I can't leave my house without getting a ride and I can't try all the crazy insane things I wanted to try as a kid. Like I can't try something I think might be interesting because my parents are with me and for some reason that is prohibitive. I think I need to learn how to live, maybe. Something like that.

This year was slightly better. Went to a couple of plays, a ballet, a folk music festival. Spent a couple of evenings cooking/baking with Carina. Went for more walks. Went out on the street I live on (it's got lots of little boutiques and stores and stuff) more often. Took a partner dancing class. I think that's improvement from first year, where the most adventurous thing I did was go to a bar for the first time.

It's weird to think that I have two years of university experience now. I'm not sure how that happened. I intend to make more of the last two, especially now that I'm familiar with the campus, have some friends, am pursuing a degree that I want to pursue, and am getting used to the "my parents aren't here to tell me not to do something" thing, which is honestly pretty fucking great.


Well, I don't really know what to do about next year except to say that I should attend more of the science guest speaker stuff at the uni... also the feminist guest speaker stuff, since I didn't get to go to ANY of it this year because it was ALWAYS AT THE SAME TIME AS MY GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGY CLASS. And see more plays put on by the uni. And try and go for more walks, and cook more food, and take more dance classes, and find fucking SOME kind of volunteer commitment in which to put my efforts that does not make me feel as guilty as EPASS does. Also, go to a party, because I've done that literally once, and it was a grad party, and I spent at least 15% of it ogling the stereotypical hot guy in school, who was wearing full-body spandex and pulling it off pretty fucking well, might I add (I realized at grad when he said he wanted to become a dentist that he just looked like a dentist and for some reason that was the end of my being attracted to him). Well, ok, that's a lie. My building has had some parties at which I totally killed it with my dance moves. Also I went to a club one time for like half an hour.

The experiences I remember best from this past year are the ones that are different. Something as stupid as sitting somewhere different in ochem, to cooking with Carina, to the time I went on like an hour and a half walk around campus, to the time I got to see The Nutcracker for the first time (and consequently found why Tchaikovsky hated it: the music is beautiful, but the plot is terrible). I think that says something.

ANYWAY. This is long enough, and I have laundry to do.

yer pal,
swegan