Well, today was infinitely better

I swear to god, one of these days I will find a way to keep nail polish from chipping after having it for like 4 hours. Freckles paints on gorgeous and garish pink sparkles for me, I take a shower (and like half my fucking hair comes out) and now it's chipping. What the fuck. Why.

Today was more balanced. I think maybe I got everything out of my system yesterday. Did a lot less stuff today, but that's ok. That was the whole point of this weekend, to get away, to relax, to potentially solve my boy problems. Have I solved them? Noooo. I'm starting to wonder if there is a good solution.

I can't let go of Ptarckas. I can't. On some level, I feel like there would be a logic to it, but I can't let go. I'm too attached to him. I miss him now, after not talking to him (or anyone else outside of this cabin) for a whole weekend. Powerfully. The thing I notice is that I don't miss this other guy. At least not in the same way. Because while I have memories of being with Ptarckas, I don't have that with the other guy (not that I haven't thought about it, obviously).

I'm just so worried I'm going to regret whatever decision I make down the road, that if I let him go, I'll regret it because not having someone to snuggle with will be the thing that destroys me while everything else is fine, but on the other hand, if I hang on, it could go nowhere, I could leave him when I leave my undergrad and then have all that change happening at once.

I will talk to him about this again, even though it's the same damn stuff all the time. Our conversations just go in circles now. We care, but will it work? Can we last? God, this sounds so weepy and dramatic, like I'm... well, 19. Maybe I'm supposed to get all weepy and dramatic about relationships. Maybe that's ok. Maybe it doesn't fucking matter and what the hell is wrong with me being a weepy, dramatic child? Why does it matter? This is my hurt, I'll react to it how I like, and if you're going to make fun of me for it, leave.

But it has been a good weekend. Freckles and I have been planning adventures, and Fex and I planned a little one for next week. I got away from life. I got through more of my Europe book, which, while interesting, gets a little dry after a while. European history is kind of fun to read. It's kind of like reading really summed-up tales of kings, and princes, and the glory of nationalistic and liberal revolutions, but it's real, it really happened. I'm king of already familiar with this particular bit of history anyway, so that helps, I'm sure. I think European history might be one of my Things, like writing (if these blog posts count then I'm back, bitches), or social justice, or ... I can't think of any more things. Dancing, maybe, insofar as I enjoy it and have been known to have wicked dance parties when my roommates go out of town.

Tomorrow we go home, which is very Not OK since this is literally my favourite place on earth (it trumps even my love for beautiful Ireland), but... ehh. I will talk to Ptarckas again, which makes me happy.

yer pal,
swegan