"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

God, I hate it when people ask me this. But, let's see.

I think I'd go ahead and get my PhD in biology. Even the brief wikipedia readups of the antibodies/"primaries" that i have to put on the westerns fascinates me. cancer is fascinating. The ways in which it proliferates and sustains and spreads are vast, but that also means there's a lot of potential to take it out. The other day I was reading about DNMT3a, which is DNA methyltransferase 3a. Typically thought to be involved in the methylation of (I think?) CpG sites in DNA in early development but maaaybe also later when methylations are copied (transferred- things in science seem to actually be named very simply and to-the-point) during DNA reproduction. It was so cool. Plus, there was a girl in the lab who did her PhD defense last Tuesday, and for some reason I got really excited for her, imagining how hard she would have been working to get to that point, to get her doctorate. And I think that's when I knew that biology was where I was meant to be, and I was going to get my PhD if it killed me.

But then again... if I wasn't afraid of it, I'd also be a doctor. Doctors are important. I know I am fully capable of getting myself through med school, if I put my mind to it. But the problem is that med school really doesn't appeal to me, because I'm kind of scared of the work. I'm also kind of scared that I'd hate the work after school. Although this didn't stop me from daydreaming about being an MD PhD the other day. The best of both worlds, really... although the guy I was reading about was a pediatric oncologist, and I can't imagine that job must be fun.

I would also write more. I think maybe I don't write because I'm scared. Or maybe because I don't want to. Either way, I hate that I made such a big deal out of it because now everyone still acts like I'm prolific when the reality is I don't write anymore. I don't. I don't want to. It's exhausting. It's hard work. I don't want to be a writer anymore. I don't know why. It kind of feels like something inside of me either shriveled up and died, or just left- I hope it's the latter, because then it can come back.

I think I'd also have gone to visit my boyfriend at one point, and my other friends in my uni city. I'd have gone down to the nearby national park only an hour south of me to hike and enjoy nature. I'd have invited friends out to the cabin.

I'd also look more into doing a semester abroad.

I'd probably quit EPASS. lord knows I've been thinking about that for a long time. But I feel so guilty about it, like because my parents donated a bunch of money to the fundraiser and it is good volunteering experience and the people I've met in the group are so nice and they really do need help, but honestly... space is cool, and so is this project, but I kind of feel like... I dunno, like I'm not helping, like I fell behind on reading because the reading was really boring to me, like there's maybe a reason I don't check my emails nearly often enough, maybe a reason there hasn't been a newsletter for over a month? Mom and Dad said that they only donated as much as they did because I was involved, which does not fucking help with the guilt. I feel like I signed up for this, I need to keep at it. I'm also scared that if I were to leave, the people in the group would hate me, which is actually completely unfounded because those people are not shitty people. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about it, but I'm also starting to wonder if someone else can't do my job better than I can. Someone who cares more than I do. I feel so horrible about not caring, when I've been given this opportunity. And aren't you supposed to take every opportunity? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing right now, snagging every single one that comes along? That, to me, feels like it would leave me overloaded.
I seriously need to make up my mind on this. On the one hand, if I did end up leaving before returning to uni, my parents would know and get mad. On the other hand, if I waited until I got up there, I'd have to do it face to face and idk if I could get through that without crying. Maybe I'll see how many new recruits they get from the clubs fair? If a bunch of people join, I'd feel less bad about leaving... ugh. This has been tearing me up for weeks. I feel like the shittiest club member in the world, and I don't know why, since it's a free country and I'm allowed to leave if I want to. It's not like I work for them.

I think I would travel more. Alone. If I wasn't afraid of being approached by strangers because I am small, naive, and female. If I wasn't afraid of trying new foods.

Honestly, I think I'd probably eat differently, too. The other week I got in a seriously debilitating internal argument over a bag of chips which ended up with me deciding to start working out, which has actually ended up in a dramatic reduction of sad feelings which is totally not what I was trying to get out of it at all but kind of is what I'm trying to get out of it now (seriously, being home has really made me sad, which makes absolutely 0 sense).

And also, I would probably have more sex. I mean, not that I'm currently HAVING any, but you get my point. I think we would all do that. Come on. I HAD TO PUT THIS IN HERE. It's the truth. If I wasn't so afraid of getting pregnant...

I'd also probably take more dance classes and be less worried about it being a waste of money. Dance makes me happy. It always feels like something I can be good at and something I was born to do.

I don't actually know if all of these things are good ideas, or if doing them will improve my life or make me happy. Some of them, probably. Others, ???

I think this question is still worth taking the time to answer, though. You can learn a lot about yourself.

yer pal,
swegan :)