It's late and I don't know what I'm doing

All of this is weird to navigate.

I told Ptarckas we could still be friends, and I want that to be a reality, but somehow I don't know if that's even possible. I trusted him with a lot of stuff, and I'm wondering now if that was a bit naive. Not because I think he'll betray my trust, but just... I don't know.

I think the thing is that trusting other people feels false now. Like oh, hey, you know this bond we're developing, this relationship, this feeling that's growing between us? I've felt this with someone else. Someone else has meant this to me. I've said this to people before, and I've meant it. I've told other people this story. There is still an interesting element of Oh, so this is what that's like, but I feel really phony about it.

Which is ridiculous. People get involved in multiple relationships all the time! People date varying numbers of people! Some people don't date much because they think carefully about what they want and what they can offer, and other people, like me, apparently have to learn that from experience. I know now that I want something serious. I want someone who wants something serious. I want to be romanced- I want someone to just get me some fucking flowers and I don't want to have to ask for them. I want someone to take me out on fun dates sometimes- not just always sitting at home (which, don't get me wrong, is also nice, especially after a long week of classes, particularly ones with midterms). I want someone to feel crazy about me, tell me stupidly sweet things, feel the same way I feel about them. I want someone who doesn't need to fully understand what's happening, but embraces it anyway. I want someone who wants me back, just the way I want them.

I also want someone who doesn't like to go away for long lengths of time, particularly long lengths of time where I can't contact them, and I want someone who doesn't have stupid, life-threatening hobbies. So not everything is perfect- although I seem to have found someone who can give me everything I asked for up there in that last paragraph.

I just keep comparing backwards. I keep saying god, I really hated that one thing or man, I really can't date somebody who does this or Wow, I really need that out of a relationship, I'm glad I know that now. But I know I can't keep looking back forever, and yet I feel I need to be allowed to--for at least a little longer--because things have happened very fast.

I just can't help but feel like to someone out there this must look like Oh, there she goes, already on to the next boy and it does bother me that some of this feels the same as my last relationship. It's different, but some parts are the same, and that makes me feel totally ... like I'm not being genuine. It also makes me worry that this one won't work out either.

I know these thoughts are silly. I know that, because of who I am, some element of any relationship I get into is always going to be the same. And that's not because I don't recognize the ... I don't know. I don't really know what I'm getting at. I just don't want to feel- I don't want him to feel- like he's just another boy. Like he's just some passing fad. I don't want to treat people like passing fads. And yet I feel that, by feeling in any way similar to how I felt about the last boy, I am doing just that. This is a different person, ergo you must treat them completely differently is the fucked up logic swirling around my head. And I know, I know it is stupid. Trust me.

I mean... it is different, it is going to be different, because he is a different person, after all. But I'm still the same person. Not entirely, obviously, but... mostly. So it's reasonable to expect me to do some of the same things, right? Like the sweetie thing? God, I just...

I think maybe it's just wanting to give something unique of myself. Wanting them to have something special and personal, just for them, some part of me, some version of me. I don't think that's totally stupid. But I think there's only really one version of me, and that might be the version I give to people. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that different people are special, right? Unique? Each their own person?

It's probably just a result of this happening so fast. I went from one person to the next faster than I thought I would be comfortable with. I keep underestimating how comfortable I'll be with things. I keep thinking it will take me so long to adjust. And I keep being wrong. I don't know how these feelings snuck up on me so fast and so strong, and I feel awful about it still. Isn't something wrong with me? I just broke up with someone! Two months ago, not even! And now I'm saying these things to someone else? What's wrong with me?

Is it possible my last relationship had begun to fall apart as this one started to begin, without my knowing it? Is it possible that that comment that made it clear there was no future was when I started to pull away? And someone else was there to ... to what, distract me? Make me wonder about what it might be like with someone different? Make me aware of the fact that I didn't have to stay in a relationship I wasn't sure about?


I think maybe I'm too loyal. I stick around, not wanting to hurt people, when really I should be taking care of myself. This isn't the first time I've done this, and I think I handled it better the second time around, but... still. I have to look out for myself. I've only got one life, and once I realize I'm doing something I don't really want to be doing, and that feeling sticks, I think I need more courage to act. But perhaps one day my loyalty will come in handy, too, when I do want to make a more serious commitment. And then it will be good. For now, I need to be realistic.

Speaking of realistic, it's 1:36 AM and I have work in the morning. So, I should probably end this here.

yer pal,
swegan :)