Like oh my god it is so inaccurate and wrong!
This is mostly talking about movies/TV shows with teenagers or young adults in them, that sort of age. Sex inevitably comes up in most of them, and I suppose the portrayal is accurate in that that's what happens most of the time. And then there's all this confusion muddled up in "do I wait?" and shit like I just have so many things I want to scream at the characters every time this gets brought up on a show like
1) If you can't have a straightforward conversation about sex, it's probably a bad idea to have sex
2) You are allowed to do it now or wait until you're married, it really doesn't matter. It's up to you.
3) If you're excited about it, looking forward to it, etc, those are probs good signs that you're "ready" or that you'll handle it well
4) It is going to suck the first time. Like a lot. That is normal. It is nobody's fault and I really hate that on a lot of shows relationships end b/c the first time having sex was bad. Like, news flash, if you had waited until your wedding night, it would also have been bad too. Also, it will probably continue to be not-great for a while. Practice makes perfect.
5) THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO DO. I don't mean like, be totally chaste, I just mean there are other things to do with someone you are sexually attracted to beyond sexual intercourse. There is like this whole range of other activities that are still a lot of fun that are not sex and do not carry with them the same risk of pregnancy (yes, I get this only applies to straight couples. That is my only experience). Furthermore, that is a good way to work up to being comfortable with someone, establishing trust, intimacy, being able to discuss things with them, etc. I say this b/c it bothers me immensely that teenagers in media go from just making out to full-out having sex and there is no in between, which is totally ridiculous and unreasonable. (Pls don't interpret this as having to do other things first, just be aware that this range between complete chastity and sex totally exists and is there to explore).
6) It is probs not a bad idea to know about the other person's anatomy/your own anatomy.
7) Bring. More. Than. One. Condom. Oh. My. God. The first one might break, or you can't get it on right, or the first round sucks and you want to try again after half an hour of doing something else. You never know.
8) Also, just saying- it is not going to be a big painful, bloody mess. If you're going slow and everyone's nice and turned on and especially if there is lube involved, everything should be fine. Slightly uncomfortable and a little "Oh, so that's what that's like" but not painful and messy and bloody. I hate this lie. I mean, maybe there's bleeding for some people, I don't know, but I really don't think that there should be. Vaginas can push babies out. A penis should not do that much damage.
That ends Swegan's Sex Talk. Seriously, I'm just so frustrated. Oh, but one last thing:
9) Pls keep checking up on each other, like ask "how are you doing" periodically or something like that. Just because someone says initially that they're OK with something doesn't mean they'll continue to do so. Also, this means that if you're like "welp I am not wanting to do this anymore" that you should say something. And if someone says stop, stop. Like, completely. That one is a no brainer. And this ties into the communication thing again (#1).
Honestly, I'm starting to think that the most important thing any good relationship has is good communication. If someone doesn't feel comfortable communicating or isn't being listened to, the relationship needs work or is not good.
And like, jesus christ, there is no appropriate period of time after starting a relationship at which you need to have sex. None at all. You can go on the first date, or wait a year. Whatever suits you, and your partner, obviously.
Furthermore, this has to be something you can talk to a doctor/your doctor about, too. Even if you get all embarrassed talking to them about ANYTHING relevant to sex. Doctors are there to help, for srs.
Just... be smart. Pls don't be like the kids in the media who feel all awkward about their first time being bad and blame each other or their connection and who only have one condom and who can't talk about sex or communicate during sex and just... be safe. Do whatever the hell you want with your partner, as long as you both agree and you're being safe.
I know this is pretty high and mighty of me given my limited physical-stuff-in-a-relationship-experience, but I think it works pretty well. IMO, sex should be something fun, something that you look forward to and enjoy, and should never ever make anyone feel uncomfortable.
And hey, it's totally fine to just not want sex in a relationship, or to want the relationship to be JUST sex, or any mix in between.
I feel like all of this is totally "Duh" to me... actually, I kind of hope that it's "duh" to everyone, and that at this point Laci Green has managed to educate a large portion of young adults about safe sex and things of the like (I am once again going to mention that she has a kick ass youtube channel which actually taught me a bunch of stuff that I am kind of relaying to you here, so you should all look it up regardless of whether this post was like "wow really?" for you or "uh, DUH" for you.)
anyway, I'm done. I need to get up early tomorrow.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Showing posts with label sensitive subjects. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sensitive subjects. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Tumblr
It certainly has its issues.
I think a big part of that depression earlier for me was tumblr feminism. It's so... cutthroat. I constantly worried that I was doing things wrong. I'd watch tumblr feminists tear apart people they disagreed with at the seams, and I was so afraid that might happen to me if I toed out of line, so I spent my time arguing with people close to me, pushing their manifestos and refusing to back down. It was exhausting. I mean, I get that those people have either experienced a lot of oppression personally and that that has made them angry and jaded to the point where they lash out, or they have developed a complex where they feel they have the right to do that... I'm not going to sit around and argue that fat people, non-white people, trans people, and lgbtqa (that is the correct acronym, right?), and women don't have their unfair share of difficulties, but still.
This isn't to say the community on tumblr is bad. I think it's done some great things- like providing a safe place for people to vent their frustrations, especially if those people aren't very "mainstream" and feel worn down by everyday life. I think that's important, that people who aren't lucky like me who are born with immense privilege (with the exception of my being female, which, thankfully, due to the part of the world I live in, hasn't held me back much... yet, anyway) have a space to vent, to feel validated, etc. That is definitely important, and I support that.
But I also feel like at certain times, that community cannot handle criticism. Whenever somebody makes a point that, while perhaps not entirely correct, still raises an important issue, people who have created those communities can get really defensive. We're not doing anything wrong, you're just persecuting us because you can get away with it. Maybe that's the case, but I think there are some issues with that community sometimes.
I know it's ridiculous to ask for inclusion in a community created solely to provide a haven for people who aren't included in the mainstream. But the mainstream sucks, and some of us get that- and we'd much rather stick with the people who say "screw the system" and try to create a better way. But I think sometimes that message of "we have a better way" is their way of saying "it's our turn." My problem is, equality doesn't work like that. You don't take turns having the advantage- that's not equality at all.
What Ptarckas suggested when I brought this up with him was that those communities can prioritize. Take feminism, for example. It is completely unreasonable for feminism as a movement to focus entirely on the ways the... we'll call it "the mainstream", has affected women and women only. In order for this movement to be inclusive, it must also discuss the ways men are affected. The exception here would be that feminism can prioritize women's issues. While both women and men are negatively affected by the mainstream (I guess feminists would call that patriarchy, and it is a word I have used before, and I still stand by that- but I'm trying to reach a wider audience here), women have had it far worse, and while men can choose to benefit from the system that's in place, women cannot, or at least not to the same degree. So to me, prioritizing women's issues above men's while still making time to discuss their issues as well is the best way forward. Or perhaps there are people who prefer to focus solely on one or the other, and that's fine. I think as long as men's issues don't overshadow women's, or interrupt discussions of women's issues, then that's okay. I suppose the reverse has to be true as well, but I still think a priority on women's issues is more than fair.
What really brought this issue up with me today was a post I saw on tumblr (obviously). It was an ask where someone had asked what the user thought of "skinny shaming" in Nicki Minaj's song "Anaconda." (The "skinny bitches" thing seems to be becoming popular with the body-positive community- and I really don't like it). The user's response was that "skinny people should stop listening to her song and go watch TV or read a magazine to see their body type idealized and praised." While I don't want to say this one user is the only problem- I'm sure plenty of people have this attitude- I really don't like that statement.
I know it's ridiculous of people who have been held up as "normal" and "beautiful" by beauty standards to ask for inclusion in a community created for those who did not fit those standards and have suffered because of it, but that is what I am asking for. I'm asking that the body positivity movement recognize that you cannot call yourself inclusive unless you include everybody. I'm not asking for my issues to be discussed- at the moment, I don't have any, beyond the "skinny bitches" attitude which I really hate (some people are just naturally thin- while that does give us privilege, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype us all as "bitches" that subscribe to mainstream beauty ideals).
I actually DO think the body positivity movement has been one of those movements that's been really good about being inclusive, about saying "you cannot have equality if you exclude one group of people." It was really just this one incident, in addition to the fact that all "body positive" songs that have come out recently that I've seen have included a line about "skinny bitches." I mean, I get that a lot of skinny people do subscribe to mainstream beauty ideals, do put down others for it, and I can understand why people who've felt like they've been excluded their entire lives, who have felt shamed and teased and bullied, wouldn't want to include people in their group that fit so well with their... bullies, I guess. I get that- it is part of why I was so defensive of feminism being a place for women's issues only for a long time. But, I think part of trying to start over means you have to try and trust those from the old group who come to you asking to be included. I think it means you have to be the bigger person sometimes- not all the time, but sometimes. You have to be the more mature one... and it sucks. It really does.
What was hard for me in all of this is admitting that I think I took things a bit too far sometimes. I still think what I was saying was important, I was just ... somehow saying it in a way that was too extreme. This is not to absolve the blame of others, either, just myself. Besides, being that hardcore was no fun, and I'd like to think I've backed down a little. That's not entirely fun, either, but it's working out for me better than before.
Anyway. I'm sure if someone on tumblr finds this I'll be torn to shreds, have the words that describe my privilege used against me as insults, and that will not be fun... but I'd like to think I'm getting somewhere here. I'd like to think someone will think I have a good point, that I have something valuable to say.
Social justice movements cannot call themselves inclusive while excluding the group that excluded them. I get that that doesn't seem fair, but someone has to be the bigger person.
You know, coming from me, I can see how that sounds like a threat. "Someone has to be the bigger person"? I get it. It sounds exhausting, and a little bit patronizing, and unfair. The mainstream group should be being the bigger people. I know that, but they're not, and there's all these movements starting up that I see that are doing way, way better that I think are more viable alternatives at this point. And this doesn't have to happen fast. I'm just asking that this "skinny bitches" shit in the positivity movement is removed. Also, that the people who used to make me feel guilty for being from a family with money realize that that's not really much better than making people feel guilty for not coming from a family with money. Nobody can help who they're born to, and I have never been a bitch about money. Ever. The family I come from doesn't make me better or worse than anybody else, and I am incredibly aware of that.
yer pal,
swegan
I think a big part of that depression earlier for me was tumblr feminism. It's so... cutthroat. I constantly worried that I was doing things wrong. I'd watch tumblr feminists tear apart people they disagreed with at the seams, and I was so afraid that might happen to me if I toed out of line, so I spent my time arguing with people close to me, pushing their manifestos and refusing to back down. It was exhausting. I mean, I get that those people have either experienced a lot of oppression personally and that that has made them angry and jaded to the point where they lash out, or they have developed a complex where they feel they have the right to do that... I'm not going to sit around and argue that fat people, non-white people, trans people, and lgbtqa (that is the correct acronym, right?), and women don't have their unfair share of difficulties, but still.
This isn't to say the community on tumblr is bad. I think it's done some great things- like providing a safe place for people to vent their frustrations, especially if those people aren't very "mainstream" and feel worn down by everyday life. I think that's important, that people who aren't lucky like me who are born with immense privilege (with the exception of my being female, which, thankfully, due to the part of the world I live in, hasn't held me back much... yet, anyway) have a space to vent, to feel validated, etc. That is definitely important, and I support that.
But I also feel like at certain times, that community cannot handle criticism. Whenever somebody makes a point that, while perhaps not entirely correct, still raises an important issue, people who have created those communities can get really defensive. We're not doing anything wrong, you're just persecuting us because you can get away with it. Maybe that's the case, but I think there are some issues with that community sometimes.
I know it's ridiculous to ask for inclusion in a community created solely to provide a haven for people who aren't included in the mainstream. But the mainstream sucks, and some of us get that- and we'd much rather stick with the people who say "screw the system" and try to create a better way. But I think sometimes that message of "we have a better way" is their way of saying "it's our turn." My problem is, equality doesn't work like that. You don't take turns having the advantage- that's not equality at all.
What Ptarckas suggested when I brought this up with him was that those communities can prioritize. Take feminism, for example. It is completely unreasonable for feminism as a movement to focus entirely on the ways the... we'll call it "the mainstream", has affected women and women only. In order for this movement to be inclusive, it must also discuss the ways men are affected. The exception here would be that feminism can prioritize women's issues. While both women and men are negatively affected by the mainstream (I guess feminists would call that patriarchy, and it is a word I have used before, and I still stand by that- but I'm trying to reach a wider audience here), women have had it far worse, and while men can choose to benefit from the system that's in place, women cannot, or at least not to the same degree. So to me, prioritizing women's issues above men's while still making time to discuss their issues as well is the best way forward. Or perhaps there are people who prefer to focus solely on one or the other, and that's fine. I think as long as men's issues don't overshadow women's, or interrupt discussions of women's issues, then that's okay. I suppose the reverse has to be true as well, but I still think a priority on women's issues is more than fair.
What really brought this issue up with me today was a post I saw on tumblr (obviously). It was an ask where someone had asked what the user thought of "skinny shaming" in Nicki Minaj's song "Anaconda." (The "skinny bitches" thing seems to be becoming popular with the body-positive community- and I really don't like it). The user's response was that "skinny people should stop listening to her song and go watch TV or read a magazine to see their body type idealized and praised." While I don't want to say this one user is the only problem- I'm sure plenty of people have this attitude- I really don't like that statement.
I know it's ridiculous of people who have been held up as "normal" and "beautiful" by beauty standards to ask for inclusion in a community created for those who did not fit those standards and have suffered because of it, but that is what I am asking for. I'm asking that the body positivity movement recognize that you cannot call yourself inclusive unless you include everybody. I'm not asking for my issues to be discussed- at the moment, I don't have any, beyond the "skinny bitches" attitude which I really hate (some people are just naturally thin- while that does give us privilege, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype us all as "bitches" that subscribe to mainstream beauty ideals).
I actually DO think the body positivity movement has been one of those movements that's been really good about being inclusive, about saying "you cannot have equality if you exclude one group of people." It was really just this one incident, in addition to the fact that all "body positive" songs that have come out recently that I've seen have included a line about "skinny bitches." I mean, I get that a lot of skinny people do subscribe to mainstream beauty ideals, do put down others for it, and I can understand why people who've felt like they've been excluded their entire lives, who have felt shamed and teased and bullied, wouldn't want to include people in their group that fit so well with their... bullies, I guess. I get that- it is part of why I was so defensive of feminism being a place for women's issues only for a long time. But, I think part of trying to start over means you have to try and trust those from the old group who come to you asking to be included. I think it means you have to be the bigger person sometimes- not all the time, but sometimes. You have to be the more mature one... and it sucks. It really does.
What was hard for me in all of this is admitting that I think I took things a bit too far sometimes. I still think what I was saying was important, I was just ... somehow saying it in a way that was too extreme. This is not to absolve the blame of others, either, just myself. Besides, being that hardcore was no fun, and I'd like to think I've backed down a little. That's not entirely fun, either, but it's working out for me better than before.
Anyway. I'm sure if someone on tumblr finds this I'll be torn to shreds, have the words that describe my privilege used against me as insults, and that will not be fun... but I'd like to think I'm getting somewhere here. I'd like to think someone will think I have a good point, that I have something valuable to say.
Social justice movements cannot call themselves inclusive while excluding the group that excluded them. I get that that doesn't seem fair, but someone has to be the bigger person.
You know, coming from me, I can see how that sounds like a threat. "Someone has to be the bigger person"? I get it. It sounds exhausting, and a little bit patronizing, and unfair. The mainstream group should be being the bigger people. I know that, but they're not, and there's all these movements starting up that I see that are doing way, way better that I think are more viable alternatives at this point. And this doesn't have to happen fast. I'm just asking that this "skinny bitches" shit in the positivity movement is removed. Also, that the people who used to make me feel guilty for being from a family with money realize that that's not really much better than making people feel guilty for not coming from a family with money. Nobody can help who they're born to, and I have never been a bitch about money. Ever. The family I come from doesn't make me better or worse than anybody else, and I am incredibly aware of that.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, June 8, 2014
The issue of bathrooms
*tw for assault, I suppose- still learning how tw work. I think I keep forgetting about them... although I'm not sure how much it matters given that I know all the people who read this blog and to my knowledge none of them consider assault discussions to be a trigger* *but hey you still never know so here is the warning anyway*
I read an article in a the newspaper the other day about trans people needing non-gender specific bathrooms. This brought up a couple of thoughts
1) YAY THIS IS RECEIVING MAINSTREAM MEDIA ATTENTION
2) But it raises other issues.
Do I support the idea of creating bathrooms that aren't gender specific? Of course I do. The violence that trans people face, which I have not experienced but which I have heard about over and over and over and over and over is not acceptable. I see no problem in providing a bathroom that is non gender specific, that is just "a bathroom," and furthermore, I fully support taking the gender signs off of single-user bathrooms. It's ridiculous. You have two single-user bathrooms, with one toilet, but one has a female sign, and the other a male one. Why? There is no point to this. The bathrooms are exactly the same. This is ridiculous.
But note that I still support having separate bathrooms the way they are, just with the additional one added. I don't like the idea that I might go into a bathroom- a room in which you really can't install security cameras- and a man could follow me in there, that he could lock the door, assault me, and leave. I still want a bathroom space where I can go in and only see other women.
I know a lot of people might say "THAT'S RIDICULOUS AND STEREOTYPING OF ALL MEN" but you know what, I really don't like being alone in small, confined spaces with only one exit and no security cameras with a random man who I don't know who is probably physically larger and stronger than me. That doesn't sit well with me.
The one possible solution the article did offer was the idea of the washrooms being sort of... visible to the outside world. The stalls are private and closed off- obviously- but the rest of the bathroom can be seen by everyone outside the bathroom. I really like that idea (although you would need to provide the baby-changing station in private, I'd think... or maybe not, I don't know)- the only time you're alone is in the stall, and even if you are the only person in the bathroom, other people can see in. That, I think, would end violence in bathrooms period, because everyone around would be able to see if something fishy was going on, and my understanding of people who have the intent of harming other people is that they try to corner people when they're alone. If you're in a public place, other people will see and go "HEY THAT IS WRONG STOP I AM CALLING THE POLICE" and intervene. The only kind of crime I can think of in a large crowd is pickpocketing. Well, and terrorism, but that's a different topic.
Anyway, these bathrooms solve that issue of making that public space visible and not closed off. I think there is a bit of a privacy issue, but really, if you're just washing your hands and checking your hair and your clothes or whatever, does it matter if strangers see you? Other people already see you do those things if you're in the bathroom with them.
Anyway, those are just some thoughts. I think one can quickly point out that the idea of 3 bathrooms would probably be a costly solution to the problem, which is why I favour the second idea.
yer pal,
swegan
I read an article in a the newspaper the other day about trans people needing non-gender specific bathrooms. This brought up a couple of thoughts
1) YAY THIS IS RECEIVING MAINSTREAM MEDIA ATTENTION
2) But it raises other issues.
Do I support the idea of creating bathrooms that aren't gender specific? Of course I do. The violence that trans people face, which I have not experienced but which I have heard about over and over and over and over and over is not acceptable. I see no problem in providing a bathroom that is non gender specific, that is just "a bathroom," and furthermore, I fully support taking the gender signs off of single-user bathrooms. It's ridiculous. You have two single-user bathrooms, with one toilet, but one has a female sign, and the other a male one. Why? There is no point to this. The bathrooms are exactly the same. This is ridiculous.
But note that I still support having separate bathrooms the way they are, just with the additional one added. I don't like the idea that I might go into a bathroom- a room in which you really can't install security cameras- and a man could follow me in there, that he could lock the door, assault me, and leave. I still want a bathroom space where I can go in and only see other women.
I know a lot of people might say "THAT'S RIDICULOUS AND STEREOTYPING OF ALL MEN" but you know what, I really don't like being alone in small, confined spaces with only one exit and no security cameras with a random man who I don't know who is probably physically larger and stronger than me. That doesn't sit well with me.
The one possible solution the article did offer was the idea of the washrooms being sort of... visible to the outside world. The stalls are private and closed off- obviously- but the rest of the bathroom can be seen by everyone outside the bathroom. I really like that idea (although you would need to provide the baby-changing station in private, I'd think... or maybe not, I don't know)- the only time you're alone is in the stall, and even if you are the only person in the bathroom, other people can see in. That, I think, would end violence in bathrooms period, because everyone around would be able to see if something fishy was going on, and my understanding of people who have the intent of harming other people is that they try to corner people when they're alone. If you're in a public place, other people will see and go "HEY THAT IS WRONG STOP I AM CALLING THE POLICE" and intervene. The only kind of crime I can think of in a large crowd is pickpocketing. Well, and terrorism, but that's a different topic.
Anyway, these bathrooms solve that issue of making that public space visible and not closed off. I think there is a bit of a privacy issue, but really, if you're just washing your hands and checking your hair and your clothes or whatever, does it matter if strangers see you? Other people already see you do those things if you're in the bathroom with them.
Anyway, those are just some thoughts. I think one can quickly point out that the idea of 3 bathrooms would probably be a costly solution to the problem, which is why I favour the second idea.
yer pal,
swegan
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