I think I'm allowed to feel smarter

Sometimes I look back at my old journals. It's an exercise in humility, because it forces me to admit that I have not always been as smart as I am today. For example, when I was 10, I considered kissing people to be a MUCH bigger deal than it actually was. In a very embarrassing way. That mindset did not change until I was about 16, which is of course the age at which all teenagers get very hormonal. When I was 12 and 13, I decided to have a crush on a guy for no other reason than I thought he was attractive, which as we all now know turned out to be a very bad idea. When I was 16, I stayed in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere because we were 16. And now I'm 19, and all I can think of is Oh god, what will I think of the stuff I wrote here/in journals when I'm 25? when I'm 29? When I'm 33? Of course, by 33 I will probably have better things to do than wonder why I made bad decisions when I was 19, but the point still stands.

I guess I feel like I'm not allowed to feel smarter or better because at some point I will be smarterer or betterer. But that is kind of silly. Of course I'm smarter than I was at 13, I'm older now. Of course I'm not as smart as I'll be at 27, I'll be older then. But I'm allowed to feel like I'm going in the right direction, right?

I know that so many adults criticize young people for being dumb and making bad decisions, but at the same time, I don't think that's necessarily fair. Of course we're dumb and make bad decisions, that's how we get smarter so that when we're older, we know not to be dumb and make bad decisions. For example, my bad decision at 12 and 13 taught me to never, ever, ever sustain a serious interest in someone solely based on looks (which has of course led to me dating the nerdiest guys around). My bad decision at 16 let me know that ending a relationship you're unsure about can be OK (especially when you're 16). Also that I was far less innocent minded than my friends liked to tease me about.

I suppose one way to approach life now, then, would be to try lots of things. To not be afraid that I might make a bad decision. Sure, maybe that might hurt a little, but it's the only effective way for me to learn what stupid decisions I shouldn't make in the future. Furthermore, I do think that I'm not that stupid when it comes to making decisions, since I got into post-secondary and have remained there doing well and have now found a program I think I want to pursue. Which is hard to decide about, because I constantly feel pressure from my parents to do some kind of professional thing, and I worry so much that I will fuck up my entire life by pursuing research instead. I also worry that I will fuck up my entire life by dating one person throughout university because I have gotten bugged by them about "You meet so many people, you need to date around, take the opportunity" and I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry that my parents were right about that. Unfortunately, being in love with the current person I'm dating means that I have very little desire to break up with them for the sake of taking advantage of a large dating pool.

But maybe when I'm 25, I'll look back and say "I'm glad I pursued research and I love where I'm at now" or I'll look back and say "I'm adorable and that makes it easier to find people to date regardless of whether I'm constantly in a situation where I'm surrounded by literally thousands of people the same age as me" or I'll say "I actually did want to do medicine, but that's OK because I couldn't have known that and I made it anyway."

I mean, I have to believe right now that 1) I am smart enough to be ok and 2) That I'll be OK anyway. Everyone keeps saying that to me lately, and I have to hope they're right. It'll all work out. If you do what you love, you'll find a way to make money doing it. If you do something just to be secure, you'll end up bitter.

The fact that I am now friends with two med school hopefuls does not help the anxiety that I am doing the wrong thing with my life. But they get excited thinking about medical school (so they've told me) and seem really passionate about it. I only got that same level of excitement talking to the advisor for the molecular genetics specialization program at my school and realizing that I could a) not take physics b) study something I find very interesting c) do more lab work. I can't recall that excitement now, for whatever reason, but I think I'd be able to. Even if that degree means I have to take two cell biology courses, cell biology is still not physics. I really don't want to take physics. And I still have no idea why that's on the MCAT. It seems cruel and unusual, and the only logic I can come up with is "If you want to be a doctor, you've gotta be smart enough to pass physics and you've gotta wanna be a doctor badly enough to take physics" which doesn't really seem like a good enough reason to require it.

Anyway, I do actually have homework to do today. It's gonna be a busy day.

yer pal,
swegan.