Ups and Downs

That's what my life has been lately. I'm not sure why, but I keep coming up on these emotional highs, where I'm happy and everything's okay, and these mostly happen when I've finished my homework, or when I'm with Ptarckas. And then there's these horrible lows, which always seem to happen in the morning. I wake up and I'm sad, and I feel very alone and very stressed. Most of the time I just say "You know what, you have to get up and go", and then I feel much more productive when I get to school and get stuff done. Even now the sadness is wearing off. I guess writing about stuff really does help.
It just gets kind of exhausting when waking up every morning becomes such a challenge. It's really hard to make myself get out of bed, not just because I'm tired, but because I just feel really sad. I think it might even be the fact that I switched a class- I don't like big stressful changes like that.

Friday was kind of like this, but I got really sad at the end of the day, and once I got back to my apartment I cried for like 20 minutes, and then spent most of the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to make myself feel better. It did work- I was laughing and dancing by the end of the night, and I even got some work done, too.

Maybe it will help to look at the positive things. I mean, school's okay- I felt really stressed and all "I'm gonna fail everything!" at the beginning of last semester and I did just fine. And shoot, if this continues, I know that I have permission to take care of myself. There's an office at school where apparently you can just go and talk to people about your problems- they say no problem is too big or too small. I could maybe try that if this doesn't start alleviating itself. So it's not like I don't have help available. And there's always my parents, and they care about me and want me to be okay, and so do my sister and brother and my friends. I have a good support system in place. And I'm smart, and I'm a hard worker when I need to be- I can totally do this semester, I can pass all my classes. And sure maybe I won't be perfect at everything. Nobody ever is. I don't know why my relationship makes me so sad- it's a really good and healthy relationship, and it's actually really fun. We dealt with a problem earlier this week, which made the first couple days of the semester super stressful, but I'm glad we're communicative enough that we could work through it. And I mean, even if I do think about him too much, at least it's not just a crush where I never get to do anything. We do stuff together all the time. It's a good relationship, and I am happy about that. That's a very good thing. And I'm making more friends here- there's a guy in my English class who remembered me from orientation, and a girl who sits next to me in chem, and people in the building I eat with pretty much every day. Plus I haven't had that much homework yet. And okay, I do feel bad about how little I've been doing for AlbertaSat, but I can get back in the game. It's a really good opportunity and not one that I'm gonna lose- at least not without a fight. Oh, and my dad and I have talked about one of my parents coming up to visit me (since I've talked with him a bit about having a bad time), and also he's sending up some Christmas goodies, which is exciting. I miss those Christmas goodies. Speaking of food, I also have really good food provided for me. It's not just that it tastes good, but that it's good for me, too. Lots of vegetables and fruit and protein, and at regular times.

Most of what I have to do today is reading, anyway. So that's not so bad. I will have to have a shower at some point and go out to the AlbertaSat meeting, but that's okay. And okay, maybe I didn't take the "journal editor" position in English this week. That's okay. Now I can observe how other people do it, and then I can maybe do it next weekend and just get it done. I really don't appreciate how my prof taunted us, though, saying "you don't have that much work yet. So I would do it now" THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT, AS IF I DON'T IRRATIONALLY WORRY ABOUT THIS ENOUGH ALREADY. Thus far this prof has been a source of nothing but stress in my life. Dad pointed out that if I dropped English I'd really regret having to take it again, so I should just try and tough it out. Which I will try to do. I'm not giving up anything without a fight.

I guess I feel a little bit better now. Anyway, it's only 5 weeks now until I get to go out to the cabin again and do mostly nothing for a whole beautiful week, not to mention seeing my family again. There's a lot to look forward to and life isn't so bad. I just have to keep plugging away.

I hope everyone else is having a better start to their year than I am, that's for sure!

yer pal,
swegan :)