Too many thoughts

I can't stop thinking and feeling bad for not doing things I should and forgetting things that are so little

Summer outlook is decidedly better than last summer, aside from the small relationship issues that have been happening (and are being dealt with, trust me), and this asshole boy i caught who knows exactly what the fuck he's doing, and i have actual friends in the lab and feel like I'm doing ok.

I always just want to write song lyrics as a blog post. I keep listening to the same few songs over and over and over and over and I know why, and I just keep hearing the words all the time.

I bought some crappy christmas romance novels at the used bookstore the other day. Also a book about europe between 1848 and 1878, which is turning out to be hella interesting. funny how in high school reading those books was such a chore and now I actively seek them out. Thinking I might seek out more and become a full blown history nerd.

I keep asking people for advice and they keep telling me different things and I feel like I want someone to tell me what to do and no one can and there isn't any right answer to the problems i am having and that bothers me. I want to know what the right answer is. I think I also want validation that people will still like me if I fuck up. I don't want to fuck up. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Currently I am just watching my words, ignoring things that don't need to be said, and giving myself time.

I voted today. I'm proud of that. the election turned out to be insane and completely flipped politics around here, so that should be interesting. My parents are scared and I am so excited but I am hiding it because I know they know more because they have just been around for longer but honestly, voting for the party that freezes tuition and pushes for an inquiry into the human rights crisis in this country is something that i feel is a good idea.

We brought Sadie with us to the polls when dad went to vote. Some idiots with their own dog decided to walk right past me with it, and when sadie got excited, she pulled me over. what the fuck is wrong with you? walk your dog somewhere else. Dogs get excited around other dogs and you can see perfectly well that I'm trying to handle a dog that is much larger than me. go fuck yourself, assholes.

Apparently, I've lost weight, and I'm not really sure how I ought to feel about that. Mostly I just feel like I'm ok. Like, this is ok, i found my range. This is also probably due to the two weeks in march when I completely stopped taking care of myself because my schedule was weird and I didn't see Ptarckas for a while and that was about as fun as it sounded. I don't think that's something to be proud of. I mean, not that I didn't take care of myself, because I'm pretty sure that happens to every person my age at least once, but that i am smaller than i was. No one even cares, at all, and that's really freeing. i'm fine. i'm not the picture of health (who the fuck is) but i'm fine.

And I know this post makes me sound like a big sad mess, but I am actually way more ok than I thought I would be once I got home. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm ok. Is life pure elation and butterflies? No. Is life sadness and rainclouds? No. Life just is, right now, and that's pretty good. Plus I seem to be a lot less angry when I drive, which is such a relief, you have no idea. Plus, the price of gas is finally under 100 cents/litre, so I filled up my tank for less than $50 today. amazing.

Everything is fine. Except the boy stuff, but that can be pushed aside until I have a better idea of what to do. Well, and some of it can get discussed with Ptarckas, which makes it 5,000 times better.

I just keep thinking. It's nice to get some of it out.