what is even happening
YES I AM STILL SUPER STRESSED OUT ABOUT MY PAPERS AND MY BIO LAB AND MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE BUT I JUST WENT ON A 1.5 HOUR WALK WITH A GUY WHO SAID, AND I QUOTE: "I hate it when reasonable ideologies like feminism get taken to extremes" AND I WAS JUST LIKE YES YOU THIS IS GOING TO BE A THING YOU RESPECT MY INTEREST IN FEMINISM YOU JUST EARNED 100000 POINTS IN YOUR FAVOUR also it is really shitty outside, like gray and depressing and cold and windy and the rain is blowing at an angle, and he still walked around with me. For an hour and a half. We walked down the same streets twice sometimes. At one point we sang a bit of "singin' in the rain" together. And just. We have the best conversations, I swear. We talk about everything and anything at all and he lets me blabber on for ages about stupid stuff and doesn't mind when I interrupt him at the end of a block to ask which way we should go next. I just like hanging out with him. A lot. And given the state of the weather today SHIT I STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR PARKING OOPS I SHOULD PROBABLY CALL and then I guess... then she'll know I tried to stop by a couple times. Anyway, as I was saying- given the state of the weather today, it's very clear that he really likes me if he was out with me in that weather for no reason at all. He also said he wanted to try and make my day less sucky (and I was pretty depressed earlier, so he succeeded) which was actually really sweet and just...
Earlier today I was mulling over the fact that the three guys who have liked me in my entire life have basically been the same: sweet boys who are really nerdy and have bad fashion sense. But I guess... it's the sweet part. It's the part where they can actually be really genuine people. Nerd was a really great person when I first met him, and he's still a pretty nice guy (albeit he can be a little condescending and kind of sexist... but he's still a nice person). It's the niceness that draws me in, the way I can have good conversations with people, the ways I can clearly tell that they like me. Suddenly his apparent lack of real pants and the fact that he's taking two classes (as if that's any way to figure out what you want to do (imo) (end sarcasm)) don't seem to matter as much. Plus he gave me a hug which I decided was a little bit awkwardly long but then decided was nice because I really needed a hug and also I think I actually like this guy, so..... not all bad, I suppose.
Funny because I was so blatantly against this a few weeks ago. WHY DOES MY MIND CHANGE SO QUICKLY? Ugh. Whatever. He's nice to me, we have great conversations, and he genuinely likes me. Like a lot. Like, it's actually pretty adorable and endearing. Like this might actually be a thing AND HE MIGHT ACTUALLY SING "Baby it's cold outside" WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE SINGING IN THE RAIN THING OMFG I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN SO MUCH THAT WOULD BE SO EPIC.
All I can think of now- with a smug little smirk on my face- is how much my parents would disapprove of all of this. But fuck that, it's my life, and if I want to let this become a thing, then I am allowed to let it become a thing. I'm a reasonable person, he's a reasonable person. The whole thing should be pretty darn reasonable. Plus at this point we're still at that stage where nothing is bad, and that's the best stage ever. PLUS HE IS UNDERSTANDING OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE A LOT TO DO and we end up seeing each other twice a week anyways.
ANYway I do have an essay to write. Actually, two. I think I should get some ideas going for my English essay, given that it's worth 50% of my grade...
yer pal,
swegan :)
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
You know what bugs me about tumblr tho
is plenty of people are like "yeah identify however you want, it's your sexuality, woohoo know thyself!" but then they turn around and are like "I don't trust anyone who says they aren't a little bit gay" and "Nobody is 100% straight" and I'm like FUCK HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU FAT LITTLE TURDS like you literally JUST SAID that people could identify however they wanted to. I identify as 100% straight and you are not at liberty to tell me that that is incorrect because YOU ARE NOT ME JESUS FUCK TUMBLR PLS STOP BEING SO HYPOCRITICAL OKAY like I'm not saying there's anything wrong with identifying as not-straight, like dude, like what you like and be who you are, but then don't try to insist that because sexuality is a spectrum, no one is allowed to exist at the extreme ends. Some people are 100% gay. Some people are 100% straight. Some people are somewhere in the middle. The end. Have a nice day.
I'm predicting if I put that on tumblr, tho (not that I could b/c I don't have one), people would be like "wow homophobe" and I'm like FUCK NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY HERE I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality like why should I have a problem with it I don't see a problem there, don't twist my words into garbled hate-speech.
IN LIGHTER NEWS my date went well :) we went out for brunch, he ate a lot more food than I did (lately I've noticed I have like no appetite... it's a bit worrisome but I'm still eating and making sure to eat lots of good food too), and then we walked around for like an hour and just talked about a bunch of stuff and it was really nice. It was freezing outside, but that didn't really matter (well I mean aside from my legs being very numb). I just didn't want the date to be over, so we just walked past my building, and over to the train station, and then back over like 10 blocks, and then all the way back to my building. It was a really long walk, now that I think about it. Damn. This relationship is already good for my health.
He was really nice, too, like he remembered previous things we had talked about and asked me about them and I asked him about what he did in the four years between high school and university, and I dunno, we just talked about stuff. Which is obviously the best kind of thing to be able to talk about. He did wear sweatpants, which was mildly disappointing, but I guess that didn't really matter much. Also it was really evident that he liked me, which was really sweet, and kind of makes me smile like an idiot. I mean it was clear already that he liked me given that he worked up the courage to ask me out, but still. I don't quite feel the same but it's like... I dunno.
Also... at one point when we were figuring out how to pay the bill (he got most of it, but I paid some too, and I feel like it was fairly even given how little I ate compared to him... either way I would have been totally cool with getting the bill, like it's not a problem, it wasn't that much) I looked over and saw his driver's license in his wallet. I have no idea when he had that picture taken, but in it it definitely looked like he had a full beard, with like full-on sideburns- a pirate beard. I had to take a break to laugh when he got up to use the bathroom. I just like the idea that he's capable of growing a pirate beard, it's really funny. AND THAT HE ACTUALLY DID THAT AT ONE TIME ALSO THAT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER HAHAHAHAHA I shouldn't be laughing like I don't want to be mean but like omg it was so funny.
I must also give more credit to the idea that he is secretly ripped. When I say secretly, I mean like he's always wearing these ill-fitting baggy pajama-esque clothes and so I can't tell. But he said something that made me think that he is, and also I only noticed today that DAMN the boy has nice arms. Like... well, y'know. Nice arms. I feel like the internet knows about this already, like I don't need to elaborate any more on it. Well, and the shoulders, but I always notice guys' shoulders so that's no surprise.
Anyway, there is going to be a second date at some point in time, so I think that's when you say you're dating someone. Not that it's a relationship (I decided with Vince today that a relationship is when you don't have to ask "so, do you want to do this again sometime?" like if you're in a relationship the assumed answer to that is just yes) (also you are allowed to hold their hand when you are walking together without having to awkwardly ask if you can hold their hand, I am adding that), but it's getting there.
I know I said to Freckles over the thanksgiving weekend that it wasn't going to happen, but hey, people change their minds. People also ask other people out and that changes people's minds. THINGS HAPPEN *waves arms about in air*
I have to wonder if he knows about this blog. IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS BLOG YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME, GRAG. Or else I will be hella mad that you know that I think you have nice arms.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I'm predicting if I put that on tumblr, tho (not that I could b/c I don't have one), people would be like "wow homophobe" and I'm like FUCK NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY HERE I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality like why should I have a problem with it I don't see a problem there, don't twist my words into garbled hate-speech.
IN LIGHTER NEWS my date went well :) we went out for brunch, he ate a lot more food than I did (lately I've noticed I have like no appetite... it's a bit worrisome but I'm still eating and making sure to eat lots of good food too), and then we walked around for like an hour and just talked about a bunch of stuff and it was really nice. It was freezing outside, but that didn't really matter (well I mean aside from my legs being very numb). I just didn't want the date to be over, so we just walked past my building, and over to the train station, and then back over like 10 blocks, and then all the way back to my building. It was a really long walk, now that I think about it. Damn. This relationship is already good for my health.
He was really nice, too, like he remembered previous things we had talked about and asked me about them and I asked him about what he did in the four years between high school and university, and I dunno, we just talked about stuff. Which is obviously the best kind of thing to be able to talk about. He did wear sweatpants, which was mildly disappointing, but I guess that didn't really matter much. Also it was really evident that he liked me, which was really sweet, and kind of makes me smile like an idiot. I mean it was clear already that he liked me given that he worked up the courage to ask me out, but still. I don't quite feel the same but it's like... I dunno.
Also... at one point when we were figuring out how to pay the bill (he got most of it, but I paid some too, and I feel like it was fairly even given how little I ate compared to him... either way I would have been totally cool with getting the bill, like it's not a problem, it wasn't that much) I looked over and saw his driver's license in his wallet. I have no idea when he had that picture taken, but in it it definitely looked like he had a full beard, with like full-on sideburns- a pirate beard. I had to take a break to laugh when he got up to use the bathroom. I just like the idea that he's capable of growing a pirate beard, it's really funny. AND THAT HE ACTUALLY DID THAT AT ONE TIME ALSO THAT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER HAHAHAHAHA I shouldn't be laughing like I don't want to be mean but like omg it was so funny.
I must also give more credit to the idea that he is secretly ripped. When I say secretly, I mean like he's always wearing these ill-fitting baggy pajama-esque clothes and so I can't tell. But he said something that made me think that he is, and also I only noticed today that DAMN the boy has nice arms. Like... well, y'know. Nice arms. I feel like the internet knows about this already, like I don't need to elaborate any more on it. Well, and the shoulders, but I always notice guys' shoulders so that's no surprise.
Anyway, there is going to be a second date at some point in time, so I think that's when you say you're dating someone. Not that it's a relationship (I decided with Vince today that a relationship is when you don't have to ask "so, do you want to do this again sometime?" like if you're in a relationship the assumed answer to that is just yes) (also you are allowed to hold their hand when you are walking together without having to awkwardly ask if you can hold their hand, I am adding that), but it's getting there.
I know I said to Freckles over the thanksgiving weekend that it wasn't going to happen, but hey, people change their minds. People also ask other people out and that changes people's minds. THINGS HAPPEN *waves arms about in air*
I have to wonder if he knows about this blog. IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS BLOG YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME, GRAG. Or else I will be hella mad that you know that I think you have nice arms.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Saturday, October 26, 2013
I HAVE A DATE YOU GUYS
*giggles*
No but this is serious. I'm not going to be a little kid about this.
*suppressed giggles*
NO NO I AM AN ADULT THIS IS WHAT ADULTS DO WAIT HOW IS THIS MY LIFE I AM GOING ON A DATE WITH A BOY TO A RESTAURANT ALAJSOUNTWEUTHSLKJDTBOEBALTHAODNF:UWNE:OTUH
I should mention that I am still not 100% sure if I like this guy, I mean like no, I like him as a person and we have really good conversations and stuff, but I'm still not entirely sure I like him in a way where I want to date him. But clearly he likes me that way, because he's the one who asked me out in the first place.
Before you ask, no, this isn't Orchid. Actually Orchid still seems pretty cool but like dude I know literally nothing about you beyond the fact that you're in engineering. It was Grag. God, that's a stupid nickname. I need to change that. For now, uh... well... uh... yeah I really need to come up with a new nickname. ANYWAY IT WAS VERY AWKWARD AND ALSO I GOT VERY FLUSTERED. I have never actually been asked out on a date before, despite the fact that technically I "dated" someone in high school, and just like omg you guys it was so sad. I look back now and I'm pretty sure he tried to ask me out like 2 different times, once before class, and once about 20 seconds before he had to say "Do you want to go on a date" because seriously you guys, you have to be blunt with me. I am not good at picking up on subtle cues. I hate them. Just say what you mean already.
And by "subtle cues" I mean he said he was 22 (which is a major plot twist because I totally thought he was 18 so like my brain is still adjusting to this knowledge) and he was like "so it probably wouldn't be that weird if we went out" and I totally missed that, omg.
The thing is, since I've been telling people (who are not Vince who I think is still more excited than me) they keep asking "Is he cute?" and I'm like "Uhhhhhh...... not.... really...." I mean like... just..... like .... he has potential, I guess? I dunno, but I'm not really physically attracted to him at all so this date should be interesting. I'm really hoping he doesn't wear sweatpants, given that he wears them every other time I see him and it's just sad like omg dude you are a real adult why are you wearing teenager pants all the time.
Like okay on campus it's more understandable (even though I'd never wear sweatpants on campus like ever but I see other people doing that from time to time) but srsly I am pretty sure one of the cardinal rules of first dates is that you don't wear sweatpants. Unless the date requires that, but I'm not really sure what you'd have to be doing to require sweatpants... working out? Ugh. No, but I'm pretty sure going on a first date to a restaurant in sweatpants is like... no. I figure if he shows up in sweatpants, I'll be like "ugh do you even own real pants" like in a jokey sort of way and if he shows up in real pants, I'll be like "oh so you do own real pants"so like either way it's all good.
Well, it's tomorrow and I have to study for chem right now (ugh I don't want to UGH NO I WAS UP UNTIL 11 LAST NIGHT WRITING A PAPER NOOOOOOOOOOOO) but obvi I will put up how it went and all that. After telling Vince all the details, because she ships us (even though it may not turn out to be a thing) and I'm guessing she'll want to know. I did give her a play-by-play of how he asked me out, so.... yeah.
Okay, on a more somber note, I had a weird dream last night. It had to do with all those horrible boys from middle school ("The Blunder Boys", as a friend and I called them). They showed up at some... garage or something where I was with my family (only they looked really weird. It's hard to imagine how people will look once they've grown up) and I was like "ugh just ignore them" and I was all super cool I-don't-give-two-shits-about-you-little-shits and then for some reason they were like "what's the big deal" and I was so mad, I was like "Are you serious, you treated me like shit, you were so horrible to me, you ruined middle school for me, you were so mean I can't believe you" and then they fucking apologized.
I cannot tell you how happy that made me.
It's like, they finally realized what they did was shit and knew that they had to say sorry to me because it was the right thing to do and I was just so happy, like oh my god, you turned into decent people who have tried to right your wrongs.
I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty disappointed when I woke up and found out it was just a dream. Of course that would never happen in real life, I'd never get a genuine apology. And that's fucking fine. I mean getting an apology would be fantastic, but not getting an apology is fantastic too because it means I don't have to see them ever again. So either way, life is good, my friends. AND I STILL HAVE A DATE. Someone still thinks I'm cute enough and funny enough and nice enough to ask out. Honestly.
Shit, now I have half an hour before I need to go down to eat and then rush off to a presumably 2-hour alberta-sat meeting. I meant that still gives me loads of time to study chem later, and I guess jot down some ideas for my philosophy paper since I want to have at least some idea of what I'm writing by Monday. Next weekend I have to write a draft of my English paper and write up a bio lab, too... ugh I still have to do a chem pre-lab and bio lab statistics and then START the fucking write up and just like AAAAAH WHY IS EVERYTHING HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME FUCKING HELL. I need better time management. Tomorrow at this time I have to already BE at the diner. ugh why am I so bad at life today.
I guess I keep forgetting that I do have time to do homework throughout the week, too. I don't need to do it ALL right now. Like monday after chem I could just bury myself in the nice library and study for chem until like 6 and then rush home for dinner. I'm so nervous about chem. It's so hard now. I miss 11th grade chem, when everything was easy and I got 100% on pretty much all my lab write-ups. Shit I bet they pitched all those lab write-ups. DAMN THAT JUST MADE ME SAD I WORKED HARD ON THOSE.
okay srsly time to be a grownup. Sigh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
No but this is serious. I'm not going to be a little kid about this.
*suppressed giggles*
NO NO I AM AN ADULT THIS IS WHAT ADULTS DO WAIT HOW IS THIS MY LIFE I AM GOING ON A DATE WITH A BOY TO A RESTAURANT ALAJSOUNTWEUTHSLKJDTBOEBALTHAODNF:UWNE:OTUH
I should mention that I am still not 100% sure if I like this guy, I mean like no, I like him as a person and we have really good conversations and stuff, but I'm still not entirely sure I like him in a way where I want to date him. But clearly he likes me that way, because he's the one who asked me out in the first place.
Before you ask, no, this isn't Orchid. Actually Orchid still seems pretty cool but like dude I know literally nothing about you beyond the fact that you're in engineering. It was Grag. God, that's a stupid nickname. I need to change that. For now, uh... well... uh... yeah I really need to come up with a new nickname. ANYWAY IT WAS VERY AWKWARD AND ALSO I GOT VERY FLUSTERED. I have never actually been asked out on a date before, despite the fact that technically I "dated" someone in high school, and just like omg you guys it was so sad. I look back now and I'm pretty sure he tried to ask me out like 2 different times, once before class, and once about 20 seconds before he had to say "Do you want to go on a date" because seriously you guys, you have to be blunt with me. I am not good at picking up on subtle cues. I hate them. Just say what you mean already.
And by "subtle cues" I mean he said he was 22 (which is a major plot twist because I totally thought he was 18 so like my brain is still adjusting to this knowledge) and he was like "so it probably wouldn't be that weird if we went out" and I totally missed that, omg.
The thing is, since I've been telling people (who are not Vince who I think is still more excited than me) they keep asking "Is he cute?" and I'm like "Uhhhhhh...... not.... really...." I mean like... just..... like .... he has potential, I guess? I dunno, but I'm not really physically attracted to him at all so this date should be interesting. I'm really hoping he doesn't wear sweatpants, given that he wears them every other time I see him and it's just sad like omg dude you are a real adult why are you wearing teenager pants all the time.
Like okay on campus it's more understandable (even though I'd never wear sweatpants on campus like ever but I see other people doing that from time to time) but srsly I am pretty sure one of the cardinal rules of first dates is that you don't wear sweatpants. Unless the date requires that, but I'm not really sure what you'd have to be doing to require sweatpants... working out? Ugh. No, but I'm pretty sure going on a first date to a restaurant in sweatpants is like... no. I figure if he shows up in sweatpants, I'll be like "ugh do you even own real pants" like in a jokey sort of way and if he shows up in real pants, I'll be like "oh so you do own real pants"so like either way it's all good.
Well, it's tomorrow and I have to study for chem right now (ugh I don't want to UGH NO I WAS UP UNTIL 11 LAST NIGHT WRITING A PAPER NOOOOOOOOOOOO) but obvi I will put up how it went and all that. After telling Vince all the details, because she ships us (even though it may not turn out to be a thing) and I'm guessing she'll want to know. I did give her a play-by-play of how he asked me out, so.... yeah.
Okay, on a more somber note, I had a weird dream last night. It had to do with all those horrible boys from middle school ("The Blunder Boys", as a friend and I called them). They showed up at some... garage or something where I was with my family (only they looked really weird. It's hard to imagine how people will look once they've grown up) and I was like "ugh just ignore them" and I was all super cool I-don't-give-two-shits-about-you-little-shits and then for some reason they were like "what's the big deal" and I was so mad, I was like "Are you serious, you treated me like shit, you were so horrible to me, you ruined middle school for me, you were so mean I can't believe you" and then they fucking apologized.
I cannot tell you how happy that made me.
It's like, they finally realized what they did was shit and knew that they had to say sorry to me because it was the right thing to do and I was just so happy, like oh my god, you turned into decent people who have tried to right your wrongs.
I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty disappointed when I woke up and found out it was just a dream. Of course that would never happen in real life, I'd never get a genuine apology. And that's fucking fine. I mean getting an apology would be fantastic, but not getting an apology is fantastic too because it means I don't have to see them ever again. So either way, life is good, my friends. AND I STILL HAVE A DATE. Someone still thinks I'm cute enough and funny enough and nice enough to ask out. Honestly.
Shit, now I have half an hour before I need to go down to eat and then rush off to a presumably 2-hour alberta-sat meeting. I meant that still gives me loads of time to study chem later, and I guess jot down some ideas for my philosophy paper since I want to have at least some idea of what I'm writing by Monday. Next weekend I have to write a draft of my English paper and write up a bio lab, too... ugh I still have to do a chem pre-lab and bio lab statistics and then START the fucking write up and just like AAAAAH WHY IS EVERYTHING HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME FUCKING HELL. I need better time management. Tomorrow at this time I have to already BE at the diner. ugh why am I so bad at life today.
I guess I keep forgetting that I do have time to do homework throughout the week, too. I don't need to do it ALL right now. Like monday after chem I could just bury myself in the nice library and study for chem until like 6 and then rush home for dinner. I'm so nervous about chem. It's so hard now. I miss 11th grade chem, when everything was easy and I got 100% on pretty much all my lab write-ups. Shit I bet they pitched all those lab write-ups. DAMN THAT JUST MADE ME SAD I WORKED HARD ON THOSE.
okay srsly time to be a grownup. Sigh.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
So I think it's time I stopped thinking about 7th grade
7th grade, 7th grade, 7th grade. Like honestly, it was how many years ago, and I think about it way too often. I'm not sure why. Yeah, I had a huge miserable crush on a guy who was nothing but horrible to me but I don't know why I inflate that and make such a big deal out of it, and so I decided to stop being such an asshole about it.
Look, that guy was not nice to me. He wasn't. He didn't handle anything well, he was totally rude and mean to me, he was not a great person in general. But then the other day I thought about his life, or what I knew about it. He lived near me, and I'm pretty sure his house consisted entirely of older brothers. It was common knowledge- or at least somehow I found out- that his mom had died when he was born. Well, he and his twin brother. And I just thought, well, okay. He's a person. And growing up without a mom has got to suck. I mean, like, on some level, I have some sympathy for the guy. Despite the fact that is a total asshole, I don't think his life was easy. I mean, he seemed well-adjusted enough and the scar on his face never bothered him a bit (plus he was one of the cool kids so nobody gave him any crap about it). I think he viewed me as making his life difficult or something. Here I was, this girl who still looked like she was 8 who was in the terms of my middle school a total loser because I had zero athletic ability, someone who didn't understand how to fit in. I tried so hard in middle school to just be normal, to just be like everyone else, but at the same time I didn't want to be like everyone else and everything just clashed in a horrible way because of that. I think part of it was physical- the other girls all developed fairly early, they all at least looked like they were 13, whereas some waitress mistook me for being in 3rd grade when I was 13. So I didn't have that going for me- I was short, flat-chested, still a kid. And there was nothing wrong with that, but everyone seemed to act like there was something wrong with that, and that was the problem.
So for some reason, perhaps because I broke the boundaries of what was acceptable or something, they decided to tease me. I suppose it was easy to get a reaction out of me, which was my biggest weakness. I think there were even times they'd ask me questions and hold a conversation with me in class and I wouldn't know that I was giving the totally wrong answers, that they were leading me on, playing on how naive I was and taking advantage of it, and everyone was watching and I didn't have a clue. His older brother was great at that. And maybe that's why I hate it when people decide to play tricks on me like that, decide to play on my naivete, and that's why I have absolutely no respect for people when they do that. I think that hurts more than anything else, than any of the name calling. The idea that everyone was laughing at me when I thought everything was fine.
Oh my god, I never even realized that until now. Fuck. Why did I decide to reflect on this?
No. 7th grade was a bad idea wrapped in more bad ideas and there was good there, I swear, there was good in that I liked my teacher and I was good at my classes and I got to read a lot and I had friends, I did, friends who didn't mind my weirdness and didn't take advantage of how stupid I was about other things. That's what good people do. I can't give him a free pass because his home life wasn't great. You don't get to be an asshole and get away with it just because other people have it better or worse than you do.
I need to chuck 7th grade into the trash, I need to forget about it. It's not doing me any good to remember hurt that happened in the past. People always say they have scars that will never heal and I still don't feel like I'm entitled to say that. I got called names, I got embarrassed, I got preyed upon. The end. So what. Other kids have to go through way worse, so who am I to act like any of that affected me? I went to the right high school, didn't I? I met people who showed me how to be and what good people are like, people who accepted me as I was with no questions asked, people who were just happy to have another member of the group. I will always be thankful for that, I will never regret the decision I made to go to that high school. It was such a life changer and I don't think I give it enough credit for that. High school was like finding out that I wasn't going to be a loser forever. High school was finding out that more than one teacher will like you because you're good at school and not at sports. High school was kindness and love and friendship. I remember writing in 9th grade "I feel happy, right to my core" and that was so alien to me, that feeling of everything's all right and you're doing fine, and it was so nice to find out I could feel that way and I could be that happy with my life and so I've tried my best to keep up relationships with people who make me feel that way, even though it's not always easy and I'm definitely not very good at it.
I think high school is important to remember when discussing middle school. Because middle school ended. There was a time when middle school was over, and I didn't have to go back again. There was a time when high school began and my entire life changed for the better. The bad stuff ended. It's over now and I don't have to go back anymore.
I do, however, have to go back to university, because my next class starts at noon and I want to be there early to eat my lunch. And it feels so good to say that, to know that even if life sucked once, I moved on (well, mostly) and didn't let it stop me. I have always tried to be resilient and I think I am, to some degree. I think I recover from setbacks quickly. I think I know how to get back on my feet, and you know what, I think that's a valuable skill to have but you have to get knocked down to figure it out and maybe I'm not quite standing up yet because I can't shake some things that happened to me when I was 12 that really aren't that big of a deal. But I guess all I can do is move forwards... towards my next class, my next day, my next year, etc. It's cheesy but cheesy stuff always comes out of posts like this.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Look, that guy was not nice to me. He wasn't. He didn't handle anything well, he was totally rude and mean to me, he was not a great person in general. But then the other day I thought about his life, or what I knew about it. He lived near me, and I'm pretty sure his house consisted entirely of older brothers. It was common knowledge- or at least somehow I found out- that his mom had died when he was born. Well, he and his twin brother. And I just thought, well, okay. He's a person. And growing up without a mom has got to suck. I mean, like, on some level, I have some sympathy for the guy. Despite the fact that is a total asshole, I don't think his life was easy. I mean, he seemed well-adjusted enough and the scar on his face never bothered him a bit (plus he was one of the cool kids so nobody gave him any crap about it). I think he viewed me as making his life difficult or something. Here I was, this girl who still looked like she was 8 who was in the terms of my middle school a total loser because I had zero athletic ability, someone who didn't understand how to fit in. I tried so hard in middle school to just be normal, to just be like everyone else, but at the same time I didn't want to be like everyone else and everything just clashed in a horrible way because of that. I think part of it was physical- the other girls all developed fairly early, they all at least looked like they were 13, whereas some waitress mistook me for being in 3rd grade when I was 13. So I didn't have that going for me- I was short, flat-chested, still a kid. And there was nothing wrong with that, but everyone seemed to act like there was something wrong with that, and that was the problem.
So for some reason, perhaps because I broke the boundaries of what was acceptable or something, they decided to tease me. I suppose it was easy to get a reaction out of me, which was my biggest weakness. I think there were even times they'd ask me questions and hold a conversation with me in class and I wouldn't know that I was giving the totally wrong answers, that they were leading me on, playing on how naive I was and taking advantage of it, and everyone was watching and I didn't have a clue. His older brother was great at that. And maybe that's why I hate it when people decide to play tricks on me like that, decide to play on my naivete, and that's why I have absolutely no respect for people when they do that. I think that hurts more than anything else, than any of the name calling. The idea that everyone was laughing at me when I thought everything was fine.
Oh my god, I never even realized that until now. Fuck. Why did I decide to reflect on this?
No. 7th grade was a bad idea wrapped in more bad ideas and there was good there, I swear, there was good in that I liked my teacher and I was good at my classes and I got to read a lot and I had friends, I did, friends who didn't mind my weirdness and didn't take advantage of how stupid I was about other things. That's what good people do. I can't give him a free pass because his home life wasn't great. You don't get to be an asshole and get away with it just because other people have it better or worse than you do.
I need to chuck 7th grade into the trash, I need to forget about it. It's not doing me any good to remember hurt that happened in the past. People always say they have scars that will never heal and I still don't feel like I'm entitled to say that. I got called names, I got embarrassed, I got preyed upon. The end. So what. Other kids have to go through way worse, so who am I to act like any of that affected me? I went to the right high school, didn't I? I met people who showed me how to be and what good people are like, people who accepted me as I was with no questions asked, people who were just happy to have another member of the group. I will always be thankful for that, I will never regret the decision I made to go to that high school. It was such a life changer and I don't think I give it enough credit for that. High school was like finding out that I wasn't going to be a loser forever. High school was finding out that more than one teacher will like you because you're good at school and not at sports. High school was kindness and love and friendship. I remember writing in 9th grade "I feel happy, right to my core" and that was so alien to me, that feeling of everything's all right and you're doing fine, and it was so nice to find out I could feel that way and I could be that happy with my life and so I've tried my best to keep up relationships with people who make me feel that way, even though it's not always easy and I'm definitely not very good at it.
I think high school is important to remember when discussing middle school. Because middle school ended. There was a time when middle school was over, and I didn't have to go back again. There was a time when high school began and my entire life changed for the better. The bad stuff ended. It's over now and I don't have to go back anymore.
I do, however, have to go back to university, because my next class starts at noon and I want to be there early to eat my lunch. And it feels so good to say that, to know that even if life sucked once, I moved on (well, mostly) and didn't let it stop me. I have always tried to be resilient and I think I am, to some degree. I think I recover from setbacks quickly. I think I know how to get back on my feet, and you know what, I think that's a valuable skill to have but you have to get knocked down to figure it out and maybe I'm not quite standing up yet because I can't shake some things that happened to me when I was 12 that really aren't that big of a deal. But I guess all I can do is move forwards... towards my next class, my next day, my next year, etc. It's cheesy but cheesy stuff always comes out of posts like this.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, October 20, 2013
So last night I pretended to be 12
LET ME TELL YOU THERE ARE ABOUT 11 SONGS THAT TAKE ME BACK TO BEING 12 AND I MADE THEM INTO A PLAYLIST TOO. So now I can pretend to be 12 again whenever I want. Although I'm not sure why I like that so much, given that I was pretty stupid at 12 like everyone else. It is a truth universally acknowledged that being 12 is very hard and any mistakes made during that year should be forgotten forever.
And then I was just watching pop music videos for fun because I don't have a TV anymore so I have to do that on YouTube and I clicked on "Can't Hold Us Down" by Christina Aguilera and I was not expecting it to be so awesomely feminist AND MY DAY WAS JUST MADE, especially considering that most of the songs I listened to when I was 12 were incredibly sexist. I really had no taste when I was 12. But, as said above, that is excused/forgotten/whatever. Although it's hard to forget that when I had "Love in this club" stuck in my head all day. ALL. DAY.
Tomorrow I have to go back to school. Ugh. No. No. Weekends are never long enough. I've never understood why they weren't three days- a more even balance. But, whatever.
Actually I literally have nothing to write about like that is the level of excitement my life is at right now. Midterms are fun, you guys. Especially when you've got a stupid English project to go along with them, one that makes you trek into the city to go to the nearest public library that has a copy of a children's book based on an Indian fable that you need as a visual aid for your project, only to find once you get to the library and try to obtain a free library card that you need something with your current in-that-city address on it, which I don't have, so I trekked all the way into the city for NOTHING except the sheer joy of taking the train, which I love for no logical reason. Some days I just want to sit on the bus or the train and ride it all around the stops. Just sit there and look at the different routes. I want to ride the 7 bus through its whole route. I want to sit on the train and ride its whole route (this city's train is like, one line north-south. There isn't much of a train system yet but it's still handy for getting to the mall and stuff) (well and forkids people (but they still seem like kids) who commute to the university). I want to take weird buses I'd never take otherwise through suburbs I've never seen before and probably never will again. Y'know? I want that kind of adventure. I also really want to go for a walk in the park because I have been to like a grand total of 1 park here so far, and that's just sad. I can't drive around and go to them because this is a Big City and driving around in those is too complicated. Hence, the bus. Let the bus driver do the driving.
Well, look. Guess I did have something to write about after all.
yer pal,
swegan :)
P.S. OOOH GUYS NANO IS COMING UP ALSO SO UH YEAH YOU SHOULD GET ON THAT PLS NO ONE WILL DO IT WITH ME I AM CRY (it's nanowrimo.org look there it is I typed it out for you PLS DO NANO WITH ME U GUISE)
And then I was just watching pop music videos for fun because I don't have a TV anymore so I have to do that on YouTube and I clicked on "Can't Hold Us Down" by Christina Aguilera and I was not expecting it to be so awesomely feminist AND MY DAY WAS JUST MADE, especially considering that most of the songs I listened to when I was 12 were incredibly sexist. I really had no taste when I was 12. But, as said above, that is excused/forgotten/whatever. Although it's hard to forget that when I had "Love in this club" stuck in my head all day. ALL. DAY.
Tomorrow I have to go back to school. Ugh. No. No. Weekends are never long enough. I've never understood why they weren't three days- a more even balance. But, whatever.
Actually I literally have nothing to write about like that is the level of excitement my life is at right now. Midterms are fun, you guys. Especially when you've got a stupid English project to go along with them, one that makes you trek into the city to go to the nearest public library that has a copy of a children's book based on an Indian fable that you need as a visual aid for your project, only to find once you get to the library and try to obtain a free library card that you need something with your current in-that-city address on it, which I don't have, so I trekked all the way into the city for NOTHING except the sheer joy of taking the train, which I love for no logical reason. Some days I just want to sit on the bus or the train and ride it all around the stops. Just sit there and look at the different routes. I want to ride the 7 bus through its whole route. I want to sit on the train and ride its whole route (this city's train is like, one line north-south. There isn't much of a train system yet but it's still handy for getting to the mall and stuff) (well and for
Well, look. Guess I did have something to write about after all.
yer pal,
swegan :)
P.S. OOOH GUYS NANO IS COMING UP ALSO SO UH YEAH YOU SHOULD GET ON THAT PLS NO ONE WILL DO IT WITH ME I AM CRY (it's nanowrimo.org look there it is I typed it out for you PLS DO NANO WITH ME U GUISE)
Friday, October 18, 2013
Boys pls
I think Grag likes me. Although I'm not sure if that's in the sense of "I actually really like being friends with you and enjoy our conversations because you are a nice person" or in the sense of "omg, but do you like-like them?" and just. Thursday was weird, okay? He sang me some sneaking song from Pirates of Penzance (or maybe he was just singing it, idk) that's written in fortissississimo or something ridiculous like that, and he sang this out loud. On the sidewalk. On a busy street. IN HIS FRICKIN' SWEATPANTS. I dunno about you guys but that takes guts. Even just wearing those sweatpants. Oh my god, seriously dude, buy real pants.
And then today I went into the humanities library to look for some books for my English Library assignment, and when I found two of the four I was looking for I sat down at a study carrel and I looked up at one point and this guy was walking by and saw me looking up and stopped, and blew me a kiss, and when I frowned at him (because I couldn't be like "what the hell man" because it was a silent study floor), he just shrugged like "life is short, idk, I just felt like it" and then walked away. It was very very weird. It was a creepy kiss, too, like one half expected him to waggle his eyebrows and start speaking soft Spanish. I just. Why. Why did that happen. I'm so confused. Vince suggested that he was wheeling me, but honestly this happened in like the space of three seconds and I'm firmly convinced he did it for kicks. Just because he could. Or perhaps he was dared to blow a kiss at someone. EITHER WAY IT WAS WEIRD OKAY.
NO NOW THAT STUPID SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS AUGHAUOHSOUTNSODLKTHSOAU. Seriously though that guy is weird. Before the exam he said he had a song stuck in his head and I was like "oh that's too bad" and he was like "yeah and it's a dark and scary song" and I was like "okay" and he was like "about ponies" and I was like "okay I'm telling people you said that." You don't often meet people who listen to dark and scary songs about ponies. He tried to sing that later, too, to which I covered my ears like a five year old and said "NO I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA"
Also Orchid has mysteriously not been present at meals when I have. I've seen him like once since I got back from Thanksgiving. Like he's still way too adorable for his own good but it's like last year: it's really hard to have a crush on someone you never see. I suppose I can still appreciate his good-looking-ness, though. AND HE STILL ONLY SEEMS NICE ENOUGH. Like I know nothing about him. He told me more the night he was tipsy than he has at any other period of time.
AND THEN tonight the space-club-satellite-thing I joined is going to have a general assembly, followed by dinner out at some place and then laser tag. I'm debating not going to dinner because I have a meal already paid for downstairs that I could go eat right now, but... I dunno. Laser tag sounds like fun but everyone will hate me if I just sit around and don't eat while they're eating WHAT DO YOU GUYS HALP. Maybe I'll just eat now- I don't want to have to buy supper, as lame as that sounds... yeah that sounds really lame, wow- and then be like "oops I forgot can I just awkwardly tag along and not eat because I have eaten already I WANT TO PLAY LASER TAG." Although it's going to be hella late by the time we get back from all that... ungh. What to do, what to do.
I think I'll go. If everyone hates me for eating early, then they're lame butts because why pay for more food when I have already paid for this food that I should eat that is healthy etc. Also I'll be way too hungry to wait until 8, when the general assembly is done.
OKAY I NEED TO EAT NOW THOUGH TIME IS RUNNING OUT OOPS
yer pal,
swegan :S
And then today I went into the humanities library to look for some books for my English Library assignment, and when I found two of the four I was looking for I sat down at a study carrel and I looked up at one point and this guy was walking by and saw me looking up and stopped, and blew me a kiss, and when I frowned at him (because I couldn't be like "what the hell man" because it was a silent study floor), he just shrugged like "life is short, idk, I just felt like it" and then walked away. It was very very weird. It was a creepy kiss, too, like one half expected him to waggle his eyebrows and start speaking soft Spanish. I just. Why. Why did that happen. I'm so confused. Vince suggested that he was wheeling me, but honestly this happened in like the space of three seconds and I'm firmly convinced he did it for kicks. Just because he could. Or perhaps he was dared to blow a kiss at someone. EITHER WAY IT WAS WEIRD OKAY.
NO NOW THAT STUPID SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN AND I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS AUGHAUOHSOUTNSODLKTHSOAU. Seriously though that guy is weird. Before the exam he said he had a song stuck in his head and I was like "oh that's too bad" and he was like "yeah and it's a dark and scary song" and I was like "okay" and he was like "about ponies" and I was like "okay I'm telling people you said that." You don't often meet people who listen to dark and scary songs about ponies. He tried to sing that later, too, to which I covered my ears like a five year old and said "NO I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA"
Also Orchid has mysteriously not been present at meals when I have. I've seen him like once since I got back from Thanksgiving. Like he's still way too adorable for his own good but it's like last year: it's really hard to have a crush on someone you never see. I suppose I can still appreciate his good-looking-ness, though. AND HE STILL ONLY SEEMS NICE ENOUGH. Like I know nothing about him. He told me more the night he was tipsy than he has at any other period of time.
AND THEN tonight the space-club-satellite-thing I joined is going to have a general assembly, followed by dinner out at some place and then laser tag. I'm debating not going to dinner because I have a meal already paid for downstairs that I could go eat right now, but... I dunno. Laser tag sounds like fun but everyone will hate me if I just sit around and don't eat while they're eating WHAT DO YOU GUYS HALP. Maybe I'll just eat now- I don't want to have to buy supper, as lame as that sounds... yeah that sounds really lame, wow- and then be like "oops I forgot can I just awkwardly tag along and not eat because I have eaten already I WANT TO PLAY LASER TAG." Although it's going to be hella late by the time we get back from all that... ungh. What to do, what to do.
I think I'll go. If everyone hates me for eating early, then they're lame butts because why pay for more food when I have already paid for this food that I should eat that is healthy etc. Also I'll be way too hungry to wait until 8, when the general assembly is done.
OKAY I NEED TO EAT NOW THOUGH TIME IS RUNNING OUT OOPS
yer pal,
swegan :S
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
MY BACK
I am far too young to have chronic back pain like this. My right shoulder is constantly bothering me. I think it might be because that's the shoulder I always put my backpack onto first, and it was the shoulder I always carried my backpack on if I carried it on one shoulder for a little ways. Either way there's a permanent knot there. Mom managed to work it out on the weekend (which was so nice, weirdly enough, since I hate back rubs) and I've been trying to keep it at bay ever since. I have this foam roller thing, maybe 6 or 8 inches in diameter (DON'T JUDGE ME FOR USING INCHES GUISE), and when you lie your spine along it and hold your arms out to the sides it's like HOLY I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE MUSCLES GOT STIFF. And then when you sit back up again, you can't help but stand up straighter. It's wonderful. Unfortunately I look a bit weird when using it so I can't actually use it with enough room for my arms unless my roommate's out. It's just so nice when you feel your muscles stop being tense and just relax.... it's a bit painful, yes, but in that way of stretching where if you just do it gradually it feels really nice after a while.
Mostly I needed to stretch my legs, though. They keep crapping out on me halfway to school. My knees, of course, are being little butts. I want to run so badly but I CAN'T BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY KNEES.
Anyway, that's about as much exercise as I get in. Stretching probably doesn't promote weight loss, but hey, I'm not trying to lose weight so I guess that solves that problem. It's just good for me to stretch out all my muscles, from my arms to my shoulders to my neck to my stomach to my legs. Ahhhhhhh....
I should probably get back to studying now. I have a philosophy test tomorrow and I'm freaking out a little bit... last time I started re-reading my notes on the weekend. This time, I haven't even looked at my old notes until today. Heh heh... well I can probably still pull another A- or whatever it is I got last time (does an 84 qualify as an A-? I thought it was a B-. HOW DO LETTER GRADES WORK I DO NOT UNDERSTAND) (oh look I googled it and one of the results was for my university... do not underestimate the power of google, my friends. Between my lab manual and that, it's all that's letting me pass my chem labs with the stellar grades I somehow get.
Oh okay so I did get an A-, and then I got a B on my chem quiz which is good considering how stressed I was about that, and I've been getting A+ on all my math assignments. Yay. We'll see how my midterms go... hahahahahahahaha bio midterm, more like "I sure hope you remember all the terms we've thrown at you which is like 20 per set of notes on average and also you should remember all those latin/greek root words for etymologies HAVE FUN KIDDIES" WHY AM I MAJORING IN THIS YOU GUYS IT'S SO HARD UGH
My prof said today though that that's because we have to learn how to speak biology so maybe things will get a little less term-heavy as I go into higher and higher levels of bio. Ugh, I hope so. Bio still seems like the easiest thing to major in to me though. I mean like... English major... how about no, too many essays. And no to chem as well, since even my PROF today was like "if you think atomic orbitals are hard wait until we get to molecular orbitals" and I was like "CHEM PROF NOOOOOO :'(" EVERYTHING IS HARD AUHRAOUENGOUAEHTAOUNGUSHGUGHUAHF
Whatever it's just this one semester and next semester will be very interesting since I am taking astrophysics and I am just now realizing the physics part of that might mean it's a very very very bad idea and so I'm like "do I just tough it out or should I switch out or what if all the other classes I want are gone and I have to take something dumb or something with a lab like *PANICKING NOISES*" But I am taking women's studies next semester... I switched that from a night class to be right after my labs, which might have been a bad idea, but whatever. I like this semester but of course the next one will be worse. I mean that was the only other time I could take it that fit, because astrophysics is only offered at one time which is stupid b/c it's like 3 pm like what the fuck I wanted to be done early. UGH I HAVE MATH AT 9 MWF AND THEN THREE FUCKING HOURS WITH NOTHING TO DO FOLLOWED BY BIO FOLLOWED BY AN HOUR OF NOTHING FOLLOWED BY ASTROPHYSICS NO I DON'T LIKE THIS WHY DID I DO THAT
I guess that's going to be prime homework time now. Either that or I could come home and take a nap for 25 minutes (half an hour leads to sleep inertia- not a good idea) (no seriously there's a whole science behind naps like there's videos and charts and shit it's very legit u guise) or I could just POWER HOMEWORK in the library or something.
It should be said about me that I like it best when I can go to class, get it done, and go home and work and be done. I don't like having it so that I work and then go to class. That's all wrong and backwards and *unhappy noises* noooooo.
Well I guess it's only one semester and it approaches summer so unlike this one, it will get warmer out as things get stressful. I suppose I'll fall into my schedule too. I feel like that guy from The Outsider (also known as The Stranger, by Albert Camus) who's like "mother said you can get used to almost anything" and I mean I'm still not in engineering so life isn't that bad. God, I'm so glad I didn't take engineering. WAY. TOO. MUCH. MATHY STUFF. Like I'm not the kind of person who can think something up in their head and then create it using math as a tool like no.
What am I going to do with my life. Sigh. I'm pretty sure a BSc in bio means I can do a) research, 2) medicine, or c) teach (well I mean I'd have to get more degrees for that but you see my point like I'd have to get my MD to do medicine obvs). NONE OF THESE OPTIONS APPEAL TO ME WHAT DO??
I suppose for now I should stop getting so ahead of myself and just focus on today, like studying for philosophy and doing my stupid english project.
yer pal,
swegan :S
Mostly I needed to stretch my legs, though. They keep crapping out on me halfway to school. My knees, of course, are being little butts. I want to run so badly but I CAN'T BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY KNEES.
Anyway, that's about as much exercise as I get in. Stretching probably doesn't promote weight loss, but hey, I'm not trying to lose weight so I guess that solves that problem. It's just good for me to stretch out all my muscles, from my arms to my shoulders to my neck to my stomach to my legs. Ahhhhhhh....
I should probably get back to studying now. I have a philosophy test tomorrow and I'm freaking out a little bit... last time I started re-reading my notes on the weekend. This time, I haven't even looked at my old notes until today. Heh heh... well I can probably still pull another A- or whatever it is I got last time (does an 84 qualify as an A-? I thought it was a B-. HOW DO LETTER GRADES WORK I DO NOT UNDERSTAND) (oh look I googled it and one of the results was for my university... do not underestimate the power of google, my friends. Between my lab manual and that, it's all that's letting me pass my chem labs with the stellar grades I somehow get.
Oh okay so I did get an A-, and then I got a B on my chem quiz which is good considering how stressed I was about that, and I've been getting A+ on all my math assignments. Yay. We'll see how my midterms go... hahahahahahahaha bio midterm, more like "I sure hope you remember all the terms we've thrown at you which is like 20 per set of notes on average and also you should remember all those latin/greek root words for etymologies HAVE FUN KIDDIES" WHY AM I MAJORING IN THIS YOU GUYS IT'S SO HARD UGH
My prof said today though that that's because we have to learn how to speak biology so maybe things will get a little less term-heavy as I go into higher and higher levels of bio. Ugh, I hope so. Bio still seems like the easiest thing to major in to me though. I mean like... English major... how about no, too many essays. And no to chem as well, since even my PROF today was like "if you think atomic orbitals are hard wait until we get to molecular orbitals" and I was like "CHEM PROF NOOOOOO :'(" EVERYTHING IS HARD AUHRAOUENGOUAEHTAOUNGUSHGUGHUAHF
Whatever it's just this one semester and next semester will be very interesting since I am taking astrophysics and I am just now realizing the physics part of that might mean it's a very very very bad idea and so I'm like "do I just tough it out or should I switch out or what if all the other classes I want are gone and I have to take something dumb or something with a lab like *PANICKING NOISES*" But I am taking women's studies next semester... I switched that from a night class to be right after my labs, which might have been a bad idea, but whatever. I like this semester but of course the next one will be worse. I mean that was the only other time I could take it that fit, because astrophysics is only offered at one time which is stupid b/c it's like 3 pm like what the fuck I wanted to be done early. UGH I HAVE MATH AT 9 MWF AND THEN THREE FUCKING HOURS WITH NOTHING TO DO FOLLOWED BY BIO FOLLOWED BY AN HOUR OF NOTHING FOLLOWED BY ASTROPHYSICS NO I DON'T LIKE THIS WHY DID I DO THAT
I guess that's going to be prime homework time now. Either that or I could come home and take a nap for 25 minutes (half an hour leads to sleep inertia- not a good idea) (no seriously there's a whole science behind naps like there's videos and charts and shit it's very legit u guise) or I could just POWER HOMEWORK in the library or something.
It should be said about me that I like it best when I can go to class, get it done, and go home and work and be done. I don't like having it so that I work and then go to class. That's all wrong and backwards and *unhappy noises* noooooo.
Well I guess it's only one semester and it approaches summer so unlike this one, it will get warmer out as things get stressful. I suppose I'll fall into my schedule too. I feel like that guy from The Outsider (also known as The Stranger, by Albert Camus) who's like "mother said you can get used to almost anything" and I mean I'm still not in engineering so life isn't that bad. God, I'm so glad I didn't take engineering. WAY. TOO. MUCH. MATHY STUFF. Like I'm not the kind of person who can think something up in their head and then create it using math as a tool like no.
What am I going to do with my life. Sigh. I'm pretty sure a BSc in bio means I can do a) research, 2) medicine, or c) teach (well I mean I'd have to get more degrees for that but you see my point like I'd have to get my MD to do medicine obvs). NONE OF THESE OPTIONS APPEAL TO ME WHAT DO??
I suppose for now I should stop getting so ahead of myself and just focus on today, like studying for philosophy and doing my stupid english project.
yer pal,
swegan :S
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)