I WAS TRYING TO BE SOMEONE
I PLAYED MY PART
KEPT YOU IN THE DAAAARK
NOW LET ME SHOW YOU THE SHAPE OF MY HEAAAAAARRRRT
Couldn't help it.
But I felt that it was necessary to make a list. It's been a big year- mainly because it's the year I became an adult, and that always seems to be a big year of finishing and starting.
STUFF I DID IN 2013:
1. Got into the university I am now attending
2. Wrote lots of diploma exams
3. Finished my Extended Essay
4. Finished my second Internal Assessment
5. Completed 2 oral exams
6. Received my high school diploma in the mail
7. Travelled to London and France with my school and family
8. Completed 13 World Exams
9. Finished high school
10. Got my IB diploma
11. Travelled to Ireland with my family
12. Got a job in the lab I worked in last year for a second summer
13. Moved away from home to go to university
14. Joined EPASS and was assigned to be an apprentice PM
15. Made a friend in my bio class!
16. Made a friend in my philosophy class (this ties into 18 greatly but they are still separate things)
17. Turned 18.
18. Began a relationship
19. Finished my first semester of university
I realize some of these may seem more important than others, but they're all still big things. 2014 for me looks a lot less eventful- in summary, it will be second semester, job & travel over the summer, and then first semester of second year. Which is fine- it'll be nice to have a year that's less busy so I can focus on working at things and figuring out some more direction for my life. Oh, and learning how to be an adult better. And possibly trying to be active more regularly- especially now that my class schedule doesn't conflict with rec skate times 3 days a week. I realize skating might not be the most intense exercise ever, but it's still something and the closest to flying I can possibly get.
It's been a good year, a learning year, a year of change and growth and doing new things. But I'm still looking forward to a year of slower growth and learning, and adapting. A year of reflection, if you will.
Most of my New Year's resolutions always revolve around trying to be a better person, trying to be kinder to others, to not say mean things, to listen to other people more, and to be fair to myself and others. This year I think I should add that I should commit more to keeping in touch with friends, and that I should do more writing. I've done a bit recently- thinking of doing some more today. Hopefully by the time NaNoWriMo 2014 rolls around, I'll be back in the saddle and ready to win again.
A small thing I'd like to do as well is explore my new city more- the city I'm going to university in- and maybe to learn how to do makeup to a greater extent than I do now. I feel like having that knowledge could be really fun, but I'm still so afraid to try. Oh, and I want to be able to touch my toes with my legs straight. I feel so lame not being able to do that.
However, I'm not setting the goal of "losing weight", for obvious reasons. I just hate that after New Year's, all gyms have these ads out offering discounts to help people "fulfill their New Year's resolutions" or "lose the weight you gained over Christmas." Guess what, not everyone considers getting into better shape to be something to pledge to do in the new year. I've included exercise because it helps with my mood, making me more stable. Also I think it helps me get better sleep and just makes me do better in school in general, probably because of the sleep and endorphins. If I happen to get into better shape as a result, then so be it.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Oh, Happy New Year's Eve!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Some days I feel like such a hypocrite
Like on skype, sometimes there's people online that I just don't want to talk to, so I set my status to busy and do something else, and this can be anyone- some days it's everyone, and I just turn skype off, or some days I just want to talk to one particular friend, so I set it to busy and just talk to that person, and then there's some times when people have sent me messages and I have just ignored them and then come back later when I was ready to talk and been like "Jeez, sorry, I didn't see that." Sometimes I have legitimate reasons for doing this, like I've been studying for a while and so I only want to talk to one or two people in the background as a sort of break, but then other times I'm just online and I don't feel like being social. And I feel like that makes me such a bad person.
There are some people who I never even have conversations with anymore. My parents, of course, are always disappointed to hear that I don't talk to people like Omnia much anymore, or even Artifex, and I think the last time I talked to Tudo was on the Europe trip over easter, maybe. And then there's other friends who don't even have a nickname that I've basically stopped talking to altogether, and it's like I still comment on their facebook posts and that feels like a relationship but it's not really.
I did get together with some friends over the break I haven't been talking to regularly, Artifex and Nerd and Tupperware and another friend who doesn't have a nickname on here for some reason (I'm too lazy to make it up now). I was surprised at how well Nerd and I got along- he still makes inappropriate comments, but he's much less condescending and full of himself than he used to be, and there were times at that lunch when he would be telling a story, and Artifex and the other friend (okay seriously she needs a nickname can I call her...Clara, yeah, Clara) (oooh I just realized that's like Clara from the nutcracker, nice) would say something to one another and he would just be talking to me for a second, and it was weird. I guess we did get along well once upon a time, and he's still a decent guy at heart. He seems to be turning back into that more, which is good, because seriously, he's a great guy when he's decent. And that lunch was fun (although it was what prompted the "innocence" post, as Artifex commented on my post before that at lunch, saying that I had "changed" when actually that change occurred at like the beginning of twelfth grade... or even the year before... although to be fair, nobody really knew about that because it wasn't super obvious).
I miss Artifex. I feel like I've been an absolutely horrible friend to her. I never text her, I only ever see her when I'm back in town, and I comment on her facebook stuff, but... I dunno. We had some good skype calls for a few weeks in October, which died down, and now she's never on skype while I'm ALWAYS on skype so I guess that's just kinda all over the place. The thing is, Artifex is one of those genuinely good people. Her generosity and kindness have always amazed me and she has always been the absolute best to me, and yet I've done basically nothing at all to communicate with her.
I feel like... even with Vince and Lucy and I, things aren't the same. And I guess it's naive to expect that they would be, we're in very different places now (what I mean by that is that university's different than high school) (don't "duh" me you know what I mean), and I still have a lot of faith that that friendship will hold on for a while. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, but moving away really does make it hard to keep relationships intact, even with facebook and skype and email and yadda yadda yadda.
The thing is, I feel pretty bad about how many friends I've made in university so far, which is like two (this is including Grag) (Ooookay I'm gonna start calling him Ptarckas instead) (I call him detective Ptarckas on skype and he doesn't mind) (DON'T. ASK.) and then the EPASS people, whom I haven't seen in like a month because finals. Shit. I haven't even been reading the textbook for that because break... I suppose I could do a little of that. It was actually interesting and informative and good project management stuff to know. I need to put more effort into that. And don't get me started on the expense template protocol the other assistant and I were supposed to do, and the big meeting I missed (albeit because I was driving home although I probably didn't know that I was leaving that day when I filled out the poll and just whatever).
Okay, I made some notes for the expense templates (most of which are just questions). I feel less guilty now. It's a very informal document but I feel like that's okay at this point, because we can turn those notes into a formal protocol document together or something (meaning the assistant PM and I) (PM sounds like prime minister like no that means project manager) (I am not the prime minister's assistant/trainee shadow/apprentice) (that would be cool though).
*blows bangs upwards* I suppose I am maybe getting a little worked up about the friends thing. People do drift apart a little, and none of us are used to this. It was bound to happen. I know it's natural for people to come and go, especially now that many of us have moved so far away. And I suppose making friends in a new place takes time. I'm doing okay, I guess. And I've been quite okay with doing okay, since my grades have been stellar (by my own judgement)... I guess life isn't about doing great things and being a perfect person who helps everyone and does everything right. Life is about sometimes doing and sometimes doing well and sometimes not doing when you can't and right now I'm somewhere between doing and doing well and what more do you really need?
yer pal,
swegan :)
There are some people who I never even have conversations with anymore. My parents, of course, are always disappointed to hear that I don't talk to people like Omnia much anymore, or even Artifex, and I think the last time I talked to Tudo was on the Europe trip over easter, maybe. And then there's other friends who don't even have a nickname that I've basically stopped talking to altogether, and it's like I still comment on their facebook posts and that feels like a relationship but it's not really.
I did get together with some friends over the break I haven't been talking to regularly, Artifex and Nerd and Tupperware and another friend who doesn't have a nickname on here for some reason (I'm too lazy to make it up now). I was surprised at how well Nerd and I got along- he still makes inappropriate comments, but he's much less condescending and full of himself than he used to be, and there were times at that lunch when he would be telling a story, and Artifex and the other friend (okay seriously she needs a nickname can I call her...Clara, yeah, Clara) (oooh I just realized that's like Clara from the nutcracker, nice) would say something to one another and he would just be talking to me for a second, and it was weird. I guess we did get along well once upon a time, and he's still a decent guy at heart. He seems to be turning back into that more, which is good, because seriously, he's a great guy when he's decent. And that lunch was fun (although it was what prompted the "innocence" post, as Artifex commented on my post before that at lunch, saying that I had "changed" when actually that change occurred at like the beginning of twelfth grade... or even the year before... although to be fair, nobody really knew about that because it wasn't super obvious).
I miss Artifex. I feel like I've been an absolutely horrible friend to her. I never text her, I only ever see her when I'm back in town, and I comment on her facebook stuff, but... I dunno. We had some good skype calls for a few weeks in October, which died down, and now she's never on skype while I'm ALWAYS on skype so I guess that's just kinda all over the place. The thing is, Artifex is one of those genuinely good people. Her generosity and kindness have always amazed me and she has always been the absolute best to me, and yet I've done basically nothing at all to communicate with her.
I feel like... even with Vince and Lucy and I, things aren't the same. And I guess it's naive to expect that they would be, we're in very different places now (what I mean by that is that university's different than high school) (don't "duh" me you know what I mean), and I still have a lot of faith that that friendship will hold on for a while. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, but moving away really does make it hard to keep relationships intact, even with facebook and skype and email and yadda yadda yadda.
The thing is, I feel pretty bad about how many friends I've made in university so far, which is like two (this is including Grag) (Ooookay I'm gonna start calling him Ptarckas instead) (I call him detective Ptarckas on skype and he doesn't mind) (DON'T. ASK.) and then the EPASS people, whom I haven't seen in like a month because finals. Shit. I haven't even been reading the textbook for that because break... I suppose I could do a little of that. It was actually interesting and informative and good project management stuff to know. I need to put more effort into that. And don't get me started on the expense template protocol the other assistant and I were supposed to do, and the big meeting I missed (albeit because I was driving home although I probably didn't know that I was leaving that day when I filled out the poll and just whatever).
Okay, I made some notes for the expense templates (most of which are just questions). I feel less guilty now. It's a very informal document but I feel like that's okay at this point, because we can turn those notes into a formal protocol document together or something (meaning the assistant PM and I) (PM sounds like prime minister like no that means project manager) (I am not the prime minister's assistant/trainee shadow/apprentice) (that would be cool though).
*blows bangs upwards* I suppose I am maybe getting a little worked up about the friends thing. People do drift apart a little, and none of us are used to this. It was bound to happen. I know it's natural for people to come and go, especially now that many of us have moved so far away. And I suppose making friends in a new place takes time. I'm doing okay, I guess. And I've been quite okay with doing okay, since my grades have been stellar (by my own judgement)... I guess life isn't about doing great things and being a perfect person who helps everyone and does everything right. Life is about sometimes doing and sometimes doing well and sometimes not doing when you can't and right now I'm somewhere between doing and doing well and what more do you really need?
yer pal,
swegan :)
Monday, December 23, 2013
NEWSFLASH
I AM NOT AN INNOCENT LITTLE LAMB AND I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF PEOPLE WOULD STOP TREATING ME AS SUCH.
It's bad enough that people automatically assume I don't swear and act all startled when I do. Like yes, I am a human being, I am completely normal, I swear sometimes. Big fucking deal, that's it, that's all. The worst was back in high school when people would always be like "OMFG SWEGAN SWORE" like fuck yes I did is your life really that boring that this is big news to you?
I realize people aren't doing this to be mean but it gets really fucking annoying (especially when people are like "you swear a lot on your blog" WOW REALLY I HAD NO IDEA THANKS FOR TELLING ME) (IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A PLACE TO VENT OR ANYTHING) (WHOA IMAGINE THAT). I have to deal with this all the fucking time and I'm sick and tired of it. I am the same age as all of you. I have been alive for the same number of years and had my own share of life experiences. I am not more innocent, and if I am, THERE HAVE GOT TO BE OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT IF WE MUST TALK ABOUT SOME DEFINING TRAIT I HAVE. Like, fuck, seriously? I am not some tiny little baby and I am tired of being treated like one.
This is in part why I think I enjoy my relationship so much, at the moment- because there is quite a bit of physical... intinmacy, I think is the word, going on, and neither of us is making a huge deal out of it. Newsflash: I'm a grown up, I think about sex, I have desire, I swear. Just like everybody else. Now can we all move on with our lives and stop freaking out because I said the word fuck? Like fucking hell, you guys, there are better things to freak out about.
In news that is perhaps less interesting but more worth my time (I feel), I currently have 6 candles in my room because it is actually 13 degrees in here. No, seriously. I grabbed the laser thermometer (WHICH IS THE COOLEST THING EVER) and took the temperature. On my windows, it's 12. I HAVE TO CHANGE IN THIS ROOM. IT IS WAY TOO COLD IN HERE.
Also I just blew them all out with a fan, because that is dramatic and cool and stuff.
yer pal,
swegan
It's bad enough that people automatically assume I don't swear and act all startled when I do. Like yes, I am a human being, I am completely normal, I swear sometimes. Big fucking deal, that's it, that's all. The worst was back in high school when people would always be like "OMFG SWEGAN SWORE" like fuck yes I did is your life really that boring that this is big news to you?
I realize people aren't doing this to be mean but it gets really fucking annoying (especially when people are like "you swear a lot on your blog" WOW REALLY I HAD NO IDEA THANKS FOR TELLING ME) (IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A PLACE TO VENT OR ANYTHING) (WHOA IMAGINE THAT). I have to deal with this all the fucking time and I'm sick and tired of it. I am the same age as all of you. I have been alive for the same number of years and had my own share of life experiences. I am not more innocent, and if I am, THERE HAVE GOT TO BE OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME THAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT IF WE MUST TALK ABOUT SOME DEFINING TRAIT I HAVE. Like, fuck, seriously? I am not some tiny little baby and I am tired of being treated like one.
This is in part why I think I enjoy my relationship so much, at the moment- because there is quite a bit of physical... intinmacy, I think is the word, going on, and neither of us is making a huge deal out of it. Newsflash: I'm a grown up, I think about sex, I have desire, I swear. Just like everybody else. Now can we all move on with our lives and stop freaking out because I said the word fuck? Like fucking hell, you guys, there are better things to freak out about.
In news that is perhaps less interesting but more worth my time (I feel), I currently have 6 candles in my room because it is actually 13 degrees in here. No, seriously. I grabbed the laser thermometer (WHICH IS THE COOLEST THING EVER) and took the temperature. On my windows, it's 12. I HAVE TO CHANGE IN THIS ROOM. IT IS WAY TOO COLD IN HERE.
Also I just blew them all out with a fan, because that is dramatic and cool and stuff.
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, December 14, 2013
God damn I am a fucking wizard
I have this skirt and I decided to try it on a couple of different ways, and let's just say I can go from "holy shit fucking sexy" to "I am the CEO of the corporation that will run your corporation into the ground" to "isn't this a lovely dinner party" like FUCKING THIS IS WHAT VERSATILITY IS. Now all I need is eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man, and I'm all set. Unfortunately, I haven't attained that level of wizard status yet, but I am capable of curling my hair with a straightening iron and I did that successfully on the first try and I can also make my lips look as red as the blood of the men I could kill if I could use liquid eyeliner successfully.
I've just been living in jeans and hoodies b/c finals and I wanted to put on something that felt more feminine. This has definitely done the trick. I am a fucking goddess right now, you guys. And I will RUN YOUR CORPORATION INTO THE GROUND AND LOOK FUCKING FABULOUS WHILE DOING SO HELL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I've just been living in jeans and hoodies b/c finals and I wanted to put on something that felt more feminine. This has definitely done the trick. I am a fucking goddess right now, you guys. And I will RUN YOUR CORPORATION INTO THE GROUND AND LOOK FUCKING FABULOUS WHILE DOING SO HELL YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Friday, December 13, 2013
ALL THESE FUCKING FACEBOOK STAUSES
"done my first semester of university!" "Finally finished my last final, what is this free time!" "Omg, so good to be done" like SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE OH MY GOD I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE BEING DONE FOR GOD'S SAKE
I feel that on some level I understand how the engineers feel, because they have exams until like the 20th which is just super lame. I mean engineering is difficult enough already, and then to put all the exams that late? That's just cruel. But anyway. I'm done on Monday, and I have a chem final today. But of course I have two exams left on Monday. It couldn't just be bio or math, no, it had to be both. And whenever I try to take a break, I end up looking at facebook, and every day is just another "done" status that makes me want to claw people's eyes out with jealousy. QUIT SHARING YOUR JOY. SOME OF US ARE STILL STUDYING. AND ALSO FORGOING ENJOYING THINGS LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS/SIGNIFICANT OTHERS FOR THE SAKE OF STUDYING. I was so looking forward to seeing Grag again this evening but nooo, I realized I have to study instead. I am so tired of studying. I am so. Fucking. Done. Plus being finished later means that I can't go home until later which means fewer days to visit teachers and just UNIVERSE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Seriously, though, I know it's not fair to be mad at people who are done, but I just feel so anxious all the time, like I haven't studied enough, or that I'm going to fail, and then I have to hear feedback from everyone else on their exams and then my fucking roommate is done TODAY, ugh, UGH I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I'M SO MAD.
I would much rather be done sooner than have more time to study. You have no idea. If I had had math and bio this week as well, then today would be my last day and I could like fucking go home on the weekend or something. Sigh. At least traffic won't be too bad on Wednesday, I'd think.
You know what this is ridiculous. After that math thing tonight I am coming home and making popcorn and watching Bar Rescue until I fall asleep. It's a pity party, because I am so deep in self pity right now it's not even funny. I have all day Saturday and all day Sunday to study and like my fucking bio final is only worth 30% of my grade anyway so who even cares. I'll pass it and that'll be the end of it. And I don't care what my roommate does this weekend, as long as she's quiet Sunday night. Party somewhere else. And if people are planning on partying Sunday night, well, then I'm fucked. Sigh. But I guess I'll get to sleep eventually and there's not much I can do. Also I have absolutely no problem with getting up, knocking on doors, and asking very kindly "can you guys please keep it down I have two exams tomorrow and I really need to sleep" and then saying "Can you fucking shut up I am trying to fucking sleep I have two fucking exams tomorrow" if they don't listen the first time.
Ugh. I just hate everything right now, everything is anxiety and it feels like it'll never be over.
yer pal,
swegan :(
I feel that on some level I understand how the engineers feel, because they have exams until like the 20th which is just super lame. I mean engineering is difficult enough already, and then to put all the exams that late? That's just cruel. But anyway. I'm done on Monday, and I have a chem final today. But of course I have two exams left on Monday. It couldn't just be bio or math, no, it had to be both. And whenever I try to take a break, I end up looking at facebook, and every day is just another "done" status that makes me want to claw people's eyes out with jealousy. QUIT SHARING YOUR JOY. SOME OF US ARE STILL STUDYING. AND ALSO FORGOING ENJOYING THINGS LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS/SIGNIFICANT OTHERS FOR THE SAKE OF STUDYING. I was so looking forward to seeing Grag again this evening but nooo, I realized I have to study instead. I am so tired of studying. I am so. Fucking. Done. Plus being finished later means that I can't go home until later which means fewer days to visit teachers and just UNIVERSE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Seriously, though, I know it's not fair to be mad at people who are done, but I just feel so anxious all the time, like I haven't studied enough, or that I'm going to fail, and then I have to hear feedback from everyone else on their exams and then my fucking roommate is done TODAY, ugh, UGH I HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I'M SO MAD.
I would much rather be done sooner than have more time to study. You have no idea. If I had had math and bio this week as well, then today would be my last day and I could like fucking go home on the weekend or something. Sigh. At least traffic won't be too bad on Wednesday, I'd think.
You know what this is ridiculous. After that math thing tonight I am coming home and making popcorn and watching Bar Rescue until I fall asleep. It's a pity party, because I am so deep in self pity right now it's not even funny. I have all day Saturday and all day Sunday to study and like my fucking bio final is only worth 30% of my grade anyway so who even cares. I'll pass it and that'll be the end of it. And I don't care what my roommate does this weekend, as long as she's quiet Sunday night. Party somewhere else. And if people are planning on partying Sunday night, well, then I'm fucked. Sigh. But I guess I'll get to sleep eventually and there's not much I can do. Also I have absolutely no problem with getting up, knocking on doors, and asking very kindly "can you guys please keep it down I have two exams tomorrow and I really need to sleep" and then saying "Can you fucking shut up I am trying to fucking sleep I have two fucking exams tomorrow" if they don't listen the first time.
Ugh. I just hate everything right now, everything is anxiety and it feels like it'll never be over.
yer pal,
swegan :(
Monday, December 9, 2013
grgunhunb
IMPROMPTU SLEEPOVERS ARE NOT A GOOD IDEA. TRUST ME ON THIS. DO NOT SLEEP OVER AT PEOPLE'S HOUSES DURING FINALS. JUST DON'T DO IT. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM. GO HOME AND SLEEP AND GET YOUR REST SO YOU DON'T END UP RANDOMLY CRYING AT THE TRAIN STATION FOR NO REASON LIKE ME.
I'm not even going to tell you whose house I slept over at, because I'm sure you can all infer from the way my life (and thus my posts) have been going. It seemed like an okay idea at the time, but then neither of us got any sleep (their bed was really small) and in the morning we both admitted we'd had a terrible sleep. Like, really terrible. And then we were waiting for the train (after I convinced them to come with me to the train station) I just started crying, I was so tired and sad. Now I'm home and I'm less sad, still tired, but I'm going to start studying at SOME point, I swear. My philosophy final is tomorrow, as is perogy night (ugh) but Grag and I are going to hang out AFTER our philosophy final and he has decided to eat dinner here to maximize that time. However, he will NOT be sleeping over, because... oh, fuck, you guys, I slept at his house last night. AND THAT'S ALL WE DID, WAS ACTUALLY SLEEP. THE REASON I DID NOT GET SLEEP WAS NOT BECAUSE OF STUFF IT WAS JUST BECAUSE OF DISCOMFORT AND THE FACT THAT THE BED WAS SMALL. So he will not be sleeping over because THAT IS A VERY BAD IDEA. Thankfully, our exam isn't until tomorrow, so I have a great opportunity to get a full night's rest tonight and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow.
It was fun until I decided not to catch the late train and go home (WHY DIDN'T I CATCH THE TRAIN AND GO HOME DAMMIT PAST SWEGAN). He rolled over at 8:30 and was like "You're awake?" and I was like "I've been awake all night" and he was like "Damn, that means you had as bad of a sleep as I did" so yeah we were both pretty sorry about that. I said next time we would have to build a fort so that we'd have more room. Also we should have more pillows. When in doubt, pillows. Pillows. I"M REALLY TIRED OKAY. I WANT TO NAP BUT NO I SHOULD STUDY. At least a little bit. And then I have to move my car tonight and also explain to my roommate why I didn't come home last night (she is currently at the library) (or so I'd assume because she is actually responsible) and also probably I should stop doing things like this because this is the second meal in the last week I've missed and haven't crossed my name off for and I feel kind of bad about that.
Ugh. STUDY, SWEGAN. STUDY OR NAP OR SHOWER OR SOMETHING, JUST ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING OF VALUE. DO IT. NOW. GO.
unghsnonugosnu
yer pal,
swegan
I'm not even going to tell you whose house I slept over at, because I'm sure you can all infer from the way my life (and thus my posts) have been going. It seemed like an okay idea at the time, but then neither of us got any sleep (their bed was really small) and in the morning we both admitted we'd had a terrible sleep. Like, really terrible. And then we were waiting for the train (after I convinced them to come with me to the train station) I just started crying, I was so tired and sad. Now I'm home and I'm less sad, still tired, but I'm going to start studying at SOME point, I swear. My philosophy final is tomorrow, as is perogy night (ugh) but Grag and I are going to hang out AFTER our philosophy final and he has decided to eat dinner here to maximize that time. However, he will NOT be sleeping over, because... oh, fuck, you guys, I slept at his house last night. AND THAT'S ALL WE DID, WAS ACTUALLY SLEEP. THE REASON I DID NOT GET SLEEP WAS NOT BECAUSE OF STUFF IT WAS JUST BECAUSE OF DISCOMFORT AND THE FACT THAT THE BED WAS SMALL. So he will not be sleeping over because THAT IS A VERY BAD IDEA. Thankfully, our exam isn't until tomorrow, so I have a great opportunity to get a full night's rest tonight and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow.
It was fun until I decided not to catch the late train and go home (WHY DIDN'T I CATCH THE TRAIN AND GO HOME DAMMIT PAST SWEGAN). He rolled over at 8:30 and was like "You're awake?" and I was like "I've been awake all night" and he was like "Damn, that means you had as bad of a sleep as I did" so yeah we were both pretty sorry about that. I said next time we would have to build a fort so that we'd have more room. Also we should have more pillows. When in doubt, pillows. Pillows. I"M REALLY TIRED OKAY. I WANT TO NAP BUT NO I SHOULD STUDY. At least a little bit. And then I have to move my car tonight and also explain to my roommate why I didn't come home last night (she is currently at the library) (or so I'd assume because she is actually responsible) and also probably I should stop doing things like this because this is the second meal in the last week I've missed and haven't crossed my name off for and I feel kind of bad about that.
Ugh. STUDY, SWEGAN. STUDY OR NAP OR SHOWER OR SOMETHING, JUST ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING OF VALUE. DO IT. NOW. GO.
unghsnonugosnu
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, December 7, 2013
DON'T TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE BAD AT THINGS IF YOU'RE NOT BAD AT THEM
FUCKING HELL YOU GUYS I JUST GOT A 65% ON MY CHEM LAB FINAL WHICH MEANS I GOT A 78.7% IN THE LAB PORTION OF THE COURSE AND YOU DON'T SEE ME TELLING MYSELF I'M BAD AT CHEMISTRY LIKE FUCK OKAY CHEMISTRY IS REALLY FUCKING HARD AND EXPECTING MYSELF TO BE PERFECT ISN'T GOING TO GET ME ANYWHERE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES!!!!
*exaggerated breathing from yelling so much*
But UGH seriously like I started reading that book again, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap again and I know I read it before and posted about it but I can't find that post and I think when I read that book I stopped telling myself I was bad at math, because that's what all the girls in the book did, and that's when I started saying no you know what I am actually good at math. I'm not some crazy math genius, and that's okay, I don't have to be, but I am not bad at math. I'm not. I'm good at math. And I think, as crazy as it is, saying that to myself has helped me do better in math, has helped me keep up in math, because I actually started believing that I was capable of solving problems.
And I think that helps, too, to believe you're good at stuff. I think I've mentioned before that it is a surprisingly good method to maintain your self esteem to be fake-full-of-yourself, like everything I'm walking in my big parka and I overheat, I think "Wow, I'm so hot" and then my brain a second later is like "Damn straight you are" and I just smile and like god, you guys, it's the best. It's the best when I can dance in front of my mirror in my hot pink short shorts and think wow, look at your legs girl, they fine. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL SILLY. Feeling silly is better than feeling sad, I've found.
And anyway, it's not just about thinking that you're beautiful, but thinking about all the stuff you can do, too. Like I'm good at math, like I said, and I'm good at writing, too, and I'm good at research. There's definitely room for improvement, but there's always room for improvement.
Speaking of things that need room for improvement... I really need to study. I haven't actually started yet (today) and I really need to get on that. I'm going to type out all my philosophy notes and start rereading stuff. But I know I can pass philosophy. I'm good at philosophy. Obviously, again, there's room for improvement, and yeah so what I got a 70 on my essay, I tried and I had a lot of other stuff going on, too.
And my mom just texted me "Dude, you won"t believe it, ut we are at church again...dont text me back." followed by a party emoticon and I am now very confused like did my family convert to the religion du jour of the town I come from while I've been gone?
yer pal,
swegan :)
*exaggerated breathing from yelling so much*
But UGH seriously like I started reading that book again, Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap again and I know I read it before and posted about it but I can't find that post and I think when I read that book I stopped telling myself I was bad at math, because that's what all the girls in the book did, and that's when I started saying no you know what I am actually good at math. I'm not some crazy math genius, and that's okay, I don't have to be, but I am not bad at math. I'm not. I'm good at math. And I think, as crazy as it is, saying that to myself has helped me do better in math, has helped me keep up in math, because I actually started believing that I was capable of solving problems.
And I think that helps, too, to believe you're good at stuff. I think I've mentioned before that it is a surprisingly good method to maintain your self esteem to be fake-full-of-yourself, like everything I'm walking in my big parka and I overheat, I think "Wow, I'm so hot" and then my brain a second later is like "Damn straight you are" and I just smile and like god, you guys, it's the best. It's the best when I can dance in front of my mirror in my hot pink short shorts and think wow, look at your legs girl, they fine. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL SILLY. Feeling silly is better than feeling sad, I've found.
And anyway, it's not just about thinking that you're beautiful, but thinking about all the stuff you can do, too. Like I'm good at math, like I said, and I'm good at writing, too, and I'm good at research. There's definitely room for improvement, but there's always room for improvement.
Speaking of things that need room for improvement... I really need to study. I haven't actually started yet (today) and I really need to get on that. I'm going to type out all my philosophy notes and start rereading stuff. But I know I can pass philosophy. I'm good at philosophy. Obviously, again, there's room for improvement, and yeah so what I got a 70 on my essay, I tried and I had a lot of other stuff going on, too.
And my mom just texted me "Dude, you won"t believe it, ut we are at church again...dont text me back." followed by a party emoticon and I am now very confused like did my family convert to the religion du jour of the town I come from while I've been gone?
yer pal,
swegan :)
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