I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERY APARTMENT BUILDING HAS HIRED SOMEONE TO BLOW THE LEAVES OFF THEIR LAWNS LIKE WHY?? It's fall! LEaves! LEAVES! LEAVES! Everywhere! All over for me to stomp in and kick around and make crunchy sounds that make the walk to school a little less glum.
And the chill! The chill in the air! I don't get sweaty walking home from school anymore! No, because now I can wear my jacket and be a bold splash of orange in the sea of gray and brown and black sweaters I see every day. BEHOLD MY ORANGE COAT AND BLUE SCARF, THEY ARE MARVELOUS! FALL IS HERE! HOORAY!
ANd even better is that tomorrow it is OCTOBER! YAY! October is obviously the best month out of all the months, because it's seriously like everyone's birthday AND thanksgiving AND halloween AND as autumn as it gets in Canada. The chill is here but the snow is not, the wasps are dead but you don't quite need mittens yet (unless you're me and you're always cold).
AND GRAY DAYS. SO MANY. IT'S WONDERFUL. Everyone knows gray days are the best excuse for a cup of hot chocolate. And sweaters, big wooly ones with zippers and buttons or maybe none at all.
And the smell! The trees all smell so lovely and when I'm not breathing in cigarette smoke from passing smokers, I can smell the trees! And when it rains, you can smell the leaves! THE LEAVES, LET ME TELL YOU. They are yellow and yellow-green and orange-brown and they almost scatter everywhere and make glorious crunchy noises and glorious crisp smells and
SHIT THE CUTE BOY FROM THE APARTMENT BELOW JUST KNOCKED and then he opened the door which my roommate left unlocked (because she left apparently) and said "hello?" and I was like "wat" (not out loud of course) and then I said "hello?" but he'd already closed the door so I scurried out and opened it and he was in the hallway and asked if I knew where my roommate was and I said no I thought she was sleeping and he just said she still had his ruler so I let him in to get it and then I held the door open and he TOOK OFF HIS FUCKING SHOES before he went to her room which was literally like 5 steps away and then put them back on and JESUS he smelled better than the leaves outside, I swear to god.
Fuck this isn't even a crush. This is just sad. Very, very sad.
Anyway. Autumn. AUTUMN. I love autumn more than anything else in the whole entire world. And every time I am outside I smile because LEAVEs and SMELLS and just ahhhh, autumn.
Also I get to start wearing scarves now so I am a happy egg.
AND AND AND this morning, my alarm went off at like 7:15. I turned it off, opened my eyes ten minutes later, and like WHOA the sky was on fire with red! Holy sunrise, batman! A few minutes later, and it was orange, and then pink, and finally it just faded into the gray of the day (which was awesome, because as I mentioned before, I love gray days). It was just so... vibrant this morning. Maybe because the clouds were there to catch the light? I don't know what it was but it was amazing either way and I love my east-facing window. In fact I think that's now something I want to look for in a house or apartment or whatever. An east-facing window. Sunrises are the shit, yo, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Especially now that they get later so I can actually catch them as they happen.
yer pal,
swegan (I give up. Whatever. The past is the past and this is my thing now. The end).
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
I still have my shoes on
That is a testament to the epic procrastination I have been... doing? for the last 2 hours. My chem lecture finished at 2. I told dad I was going to go home and "study" which I haven't actually done at all (despite the fact that I have a shit-ton of chem reading and bio review to do, not to mention an english essay to write and probably chem pre-lab stuff. Oh, and math practice, because math suddenly stopped making sense today and infinite limits don't make any sense. How is it that if I sub infinity into something it becomes 0? Isn't infinity like the opposite of 0? Ugh now I actually have to use my math textbook) and SHIT my new math assignment is due next friday wtf usually we get two weeks to do assignments what is this
Well fuck my weekend just went down the toilet.
I keep trying to go skating on sundays but I'm always too busy freaking out about schoolwork to bother to leave my apartment, walk over to the university, and skate for a couple hours. Maybe I should actually do some work. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my dad tonight, too... well I guess maybe watching the new episode of glee instead of doing my homework WASN'T such a good idea after all, hahahaha....
I was going to say I feel really organized but I don't and then I do this and just WHY AM I NOT LEARNING GOOD STUDY HABITS ARUGH.
[CUE ME BORINGLY GOING OVER STUFF]
I guess I should do some chem reading now or something. Get it out of the way. As for math problems I have to have time to focus on those, so that should be done tomorrow, and I should get started on that assignment and see how far I can get on my own. My essay also requires a couple of hours to sit and focus, so that should be done tomorrow as well. I could read the rest of othello tonight too, and look through the hacker readings to see if there's anything I need to focus on. The practice set I could probs get done quickly, but I do have to go out this evening with my dad (he flew up to see me/for a medical meeting conference thinger) for supper and I don't want to be stressed during that. I could also do the bio notes tonight, that won't take long, and half of it is just highlighting words I need to know and writing them on the back (I do that to keep track of terms. Also reviewing terms is a shortened way to do studying really fast if I only have a couple minutes to study before heading off to another class). Chem PS shouldn't take long, apparently it's all high school review and it's not due or anything so that takes some pressure off.
[END OF ME BORINGLY GOING OVER STUFF]
Wait is that it? Well okay and the latin roots of words we've been learning in bio I ought to write down somewhere I guess.
Okay so maybe I do have good study habits. Last year when I had a bunch of stuff to do I'd freak out and cry before I organized myself like that and that was just a waste of time. Besides, if I were at this point last year, I'd probably have a couple of chem labs coming up (well actually I have to do the chem pre-lab too, fuck I forgot that), and I dunno, I can't even remember. I just know I would have had the EE and IA in the background, stressing me out. And probably some little assignments from history and chem, but never from English because our English teacher tried to keep us as stress-free as possible by just giving us tests and large assignments (a lot like university, come to think of it) rather than little assignments all over the place. And then come november, NaNo would come up (I'm doing that this year- PLS JOIN ME IT WILL BE SO FUN especially once I come up with an idea, hahaha...) and I'd be dealing with my practice TOK essay and that godforsaken TOK project. My TOK project sucked so badly. Actually no, wait, let's go look at it again. I still have it somewhere..
Oh this is actually a semi-intelligent debate over an interesting subject concerning research and ethics in the gaining of new knowledge. Damn. Why was I so smart then? (Although I think I might have plagiarized. Tsk, tsk, past me). Even the title slide is a totally bitchin' work of art. This might just be the best powerpoint presentation I've ever made. I don't even remember what my grade was. AND THEN I PULLED THAT PRACTICE TOK ESSAY OUT OF MY BUTT, DIDN'T EVEN FINISH WRITING THE CONCLUSION I LITERALLY STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE AND I GOT 38/40 SOMEHOW HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THAT WHAT THE HELL??!?
When I say TOK confused me, I'm not just talking subject matter, guys.
ANYWAY IT'S TIME TO HIT THE BOOKS. With my head. Ha, I'm just kidding. With my eyeballs. But not literally.
yer pal,
Well fuck my weekend just went down the toilet.
I keep trying to go skating on sundays but I'm always too busy freaking out about schoolwork to bother to leave my apartment, walk over to the university, and skate for a couple hours. Maybe I should actually do some work. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my dad tonight, too... well I guess maybe watching the new episode of glee instead of doing my homework WASN'T such a good idea after all, hahahaha....
I was going to say I feel really organized but I don't and then I do this and just WHY AM I NOT LEARNING GOOD STUDY HABITS ARUGH.
[CUE ME BORINGLY GOING OVER STUFF]
I guess I should do some chem reading now or something. Get it out of the way. As for math problems I have to have time to focus on those, so that should be done tomorrow, and I should get started on that assignment and see how far I can get on my own. My essay also requires a couple of hours to sit and focus, so that should be done tomorrow as well. I could read the rest of othello tonight too, and look through the hacker readings to see if there's anything I need to focus on. The practice set I could probs get done quickly, but I do have to go out this evening with my dad (he flew up to see me/for a medical meeting conference thinger) for supper and I don't want to be stressed during that. I could also do the bio notes tonight, that won't take long, and half of it is just highlighting words I need to know and writing them on the back (I do that to keep track of terms. Also reviewing terms is a shortened way to do studying really fast if I only have a couple minutes to study before heading off to another class). Chem PS shouldn't take long, apparently it's all high school review and it's not due or anything so that takes some pressure off.
[END OF ME BORINGLY GOING OVER STUFF]
Wait is that it? Well okay and the latin roots of words we've been learning in bio I ought to write down somewhere I guess.
Okay so maybe I do have good study habits. Last year when I had a bunch of stuff to do I'd freak out and cry before I organized myself like that and that was just a waste of time. Besides, if I were at this point last year, I'd probably have a couple of chem labs coming up (well actually I have to do the chem pre-lab too, fuck I forgot that), and I dunno, I can't even remember. I just know I would have had the EE and IA in the background, stressing me out. And probably some little assignments from history and chem, but never from English because our English teacher tried to keep us as stress-free as possible by just giving us tests and large assignments (a lot like university, come to think of it) rather than little assignments all over the place. And then come november, NaNo would come up (I'm doing that this year- PLS JOIN ME IT WILL BE SO FUN especially once I come up with an idea, hahaha...) and I'd be dealing with my practice TOK essay and that godforsaken TOK project. My TOK project sucked so badly. Actually no, wait, let's go look at it again. I still have it somewhere..
Oh this is actually a semi-intelligent debate over an interesting subject concerning research and ethics in the gaining of new knowledge. Damn. Why was I so smart then? (Although I think I might have plagiarized. Tsk, tsk, past me). Even the title slide is a totally bitchin' work of art. This might just be the best powerpoint presentation I've ever made. I don't even remember what my grade was. AND THEN I PULLED THAT PRACTICE TOK ESSAY OUT OF MY BUTT, DIDN'T EVEN FINISH WRITING THE CONCLUSION I LITERALLY STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE AND I GOT 38/40 SOMEHOW HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THAT WHAT THE HELL??!?
When I say TOK confused me, I'm not just talking subject matter, guys.
ANYWAY IT'S TIME TO HIT THE BOOKS. With my head. Ha, I'm just kidding. With my eyeballs. But not literally.
yer pal,
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Ungh
DID I NOT LEARN ANYTHING FROM THIS CHEM EXAM WHY HAVE I NOT STUDIED FOR PHILOSOPHY YET SRSLY OMG
Speaking of chem, I may or may not have bawled like a two year old when I realized I forgot my ID today and thought I wouldn't be able to write my chem exam. Thank goodness for that old high school ID card in my backpack. Thank goodness for that girl who stopped me and suggested I ask the prof if I could use it. Thank goodness for my father who assured me that my response was based on emotions I was feeling at the time and was entirely valid and just THANK GOODNESS.
The exam itself wasn't too bad. Studying definitely paid off. I think I did well.
Of course now I have this dangblasted philosophy exam tomorrow and I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it. We don't get any practice questions. We don't get any practice exams. Our textbook is just readings. All I have to go on are those readings and my notes. I made notes on all the readings because my parents suggested it and I was like "gee duh why did I not think of that before" even though my notes on the readings may or may not have missed important bits... but I guess that's what my in-class notes are for, since I started taking them so as not to fall asleep/forget things. Anyway... I hate to say it and I hate to even think of doing it but if worst comes to worst (I'm 90% sure it's not "worse comes to worse") I can withdraw. If it turns out philosophy is crazy hard and I am worried about passing the final I'm guessing that a W on my transcript would look a hell of a lot better than an F. But I won't have to do that. I don't want to have to do that. I just want to pass the goddamned class and get the credits and not have to make them up later.
Also! Went to Careers fair today and HOLY BUTTS ENGINEERS HAVE GOT IT FUCKIN' MADE. Pretty much 70% of the booths there were looking for engineers- chemical, mechanical, it didn't matter. There were a couple for geophysicists. Some for people in chemistry. Some for people in physics. A few arts degree ones. And I think I saw maybe two for biology. The only conclusion I can come to is that a Biology degree is like the Fine Arts degree of the Science world: YOU HAVE TO FUCKING LOOK HARD FOR JOBS.
But of course I'm not going to go into chemistry or physics (unless I discover a genuine interest in them, and that does not seem likely right now) because I would just slog through it and hate everything and what's the point of doing that with my life? Ugh. No.
I suppose one way to get up on the engineers' level is if I went into medicine. That's something I could do with a biosci degree (and a shit ton of volunteering hours, an insane GPA, reference letters... med school looks hard you guys and besides I'm not super interested in medicine so...). But aside from that I really feel like I'm getting the useless science degree, that there's no jobs for science majors unless you're majoring in chem/physics/not biology.
This is reminiscent of what dad told me when I complained that the bio people had a building from the 70s while the astrophysicists and regular physicists get this nice shiny new building. "Nobody wants to give the biology people new labs to cut up their worms." The bio building isn't actually that bad (although it is very oddly designed and hard to get around in b/c ARCHITECT FIGHT); maybe that's just because I ACTUALLY LIKE BIOLOGY and thus the building does not seem sinister and depressing like the chem building (thank god my chem lab has windows. The windowless labs look like the place where happiness goes to die) (I shit you not I cannot stand the chem building everything is bricks) (It is unpleasant) (I HAD TO WALK THROUGH THE CHEM BUILDING AT NIGHT AND I SWEAR TO GOD THERE WERE MURDERERS IN THE SHADOWS OKAY I DO NOT LIKE THE CHEM BUILDING). The bio building seems welcoming and homey to me, like "ahh yes, this is where I belong." So does my bio lab. I guess the fact that I actually like my TA helps with that. Not that I dislike my chem TA, but... chemistry. *shudders* just, no.
WELL ANYWAY I need sleep b/c 8 AM bio lab that is all confusing and about necklaces...? yeah I should probably get some sleep.
yer pal,
Speaking of chem, I may or may not have bawled like a two year old when I realized I forgot my ID today and thought I wouldn't be able to write my chem exam. Thank goodness for that old high school ID card in my backpack. Thank goodness for that girl who stopped me and suggested I ask the prof if I could use it. Thank goodness for my father who assured me that my response was based on emotions I was feeling at the time and was entirely valid and just THANK GOODNESS.
The exam itself wasn't too bad. Studying definitely paid off. I think I did well.
Of course now I have this dangblasted philosophy exam tomorrow and I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it. We don't get any practice questions. We don't get any practice exams. Our textbook is just readings. All I have to go on are those readings and my notes. I made notes on all the readings because my parents suggested it and I was like "gee duh why did I not think of that before" even though my notes on the readings may or may not have missed important bits... but I guess that's what my in-class notes are for, since I started taking them so as not to fall asleep/forget things. Anyway... I hate to say it and I hate to even think of doing it but if worst comes to worst (I'm 90% sure it's not "worse comes to worse") I can withdraw. If it turns out philosophy is crazy hard and I am worried about passing the final I'm guessing that a W on my transcript would look a hell of a lot better than an F. But I won't have to do that. I don't want to have to do that. I just want to pass the goddamned class and get the credits and not have to make them up later.
Also! Went to Careers fair today and HOLY BUTTS ENGINEERS HAVE GOT IT FUCKIN' MADE. Pretty much 70% of the booths there were looking for engineers- chemical, mechanical, it didn't matter. There were a couple for geophysicists. Some for people in chemistry. Some for people in physics. A few arts degree ones. And I think I saw maybe two for biology. The only conclusion I can come to is that a Biology degree is like the Fine Arts degree of the Science world: YOU HAVE TO FUCKING LOOK HARD FOR JOBS.
But of course I'm not going to go into chemistry or physics (unless I discover a genuine interest in them, and that does not seem likely right now) because I would just slog through it and hate everything and what's the point of doing that with my life? Ugh. No.
I suppose one way to get up on the engineers' level is if I went into medicine. That's something I could do with a biosci degree (and a shit ton of volunteering hours, an insane GPA, reference letters... med school looks hard you guys and besides I'm not super interested in medicine so...). But aside from that I really feel like I'm getting the useless science degree, that there's no jobs for science majors unless you're majoring in chem/physics/not biology.
This is reminiscent of what dad told me when I complained that the bio people had a building from the 70s while the astrophysicists and regular physicists get this nice shiny new building. "Nobody wants to give the biology people new labs to cut up their worms." The bio building isn't actually that bad (although it is very oddly designed and hard to get around in b/c ARCHITECT FIGHT); maybe that's just because I ACTUALLY LIKE BIOLOGY and thus the building does not seem sinister and depressing like the chem building (thank god my chem lab has windows. The windowless labs look like the place where happiness goes to die) (I shit you not I cannot stand the chem building everything is bricks) (It is unpleasant) (I HAD TO WALK THROUGH THE CHEM BUILDING AT NIGHT AND I SWEAR TO GOD THERE WERE MURDERERS IN THE SHADOWS OKAY I DO NOT LIKE THE CHEM BUILDING). The bio building seems welcoming and homey to me, like "ahh yes, this is where I belong." So does my bio lab. I guess the fact that I actually like my TA helps with that. Not that I dislike my chem TA, but... chemistry. *shudders* just, no.
WELL ANYWAY I need sleep b/c 8 AM bio lab that is all confusing and about necklaces...? yeah I should probably get some sleep.
yer pal,
Monday, September 23, 2013
OSCILLATING POSTS
I would apologize for the fact that these posts keep swinging back and forth but really I'm not because that's how things are at the moment.
I FEEL TOO ORGANIZED. Feeling this way always makes me suspicious. Like there's something I should be doing that I'm just forgetting about. But I finished my math assignment (100% ON TWO ASSIGNMENTS IN A ROW HOT DOG YOU GUYS THIS IS GREAT), I finished my bio pre-lab assignment a week early because I thought it was due last week, I'm done my chem pre-lab for tomorrow, I've read Othello for English and read the essay on Othello twice, I've updated my bio notes as far as they can go, made plans to do my chem practice exam tomorrow (maybe I should just do that tonight. Sit down, 40 minutes, crank it out and see how I do and go over my mistakes), reviewed my chem notes, I reviewed philosophy yesterday (probs should do that again)... I just feel like I don't have enough to do WHICH I KNOW IS A DANGEROUS THING TO SAY BECAUSE NOW TOMORROW I WILL HAVE 5 MILLION THINGS TO DO AND THAT IS NO FUN but just I feel like it's wrong that my last semester of high school was harder than this.
I am so confused. I totally thought university was going to be super hard. I mean the rules are strict and the classes are larger and the content is more challenging but jesus christ IB has made all of this a breeze. NOTE TO STUDENTS OUT THERE DEBATING DOING IB: You are going to cry and work hard and be stressed out, but if you are planning on post secondary it will make the transition a thousand times easier. Plus in IB you have to learn to organize your work so you don't forget anything and you have to start studying in advance. We started studying for World Exams at the beginning of April, and our world exams were in May.
SWEET LORDS OF ACADEMICS I FINALLY JUST FOUND MY BIO NOTES FROM FRIDAY THANK GOD. I can update those now.
Last year whenever I had nothing to do I was suspicious, and sure enough, if I thought hard enough I usually found something that I still had to do and had just forgotten. I mean I have math questions from the book and I really should be practicing limits but it's really hard to motivate myself to do that. This is the problem. When there is lots to do, you buckle down and do it. When there is a little bit to do, you don't want to do anything. I'm sure things will change come finals and in October, once midterms roll around (although a few of my profs do like two exams throughout the term- my chem prof does that, and so does my philosophy prof, and I think my bio prof too) (and in English we just have some in-class essays (OH GOD THAT JUST STRESSED ME OUT NOOOO) (I need time to think of essay things!) and then a big paper at the end of the term- ooh, 1500 words, I'm shaking in my boots) (Oooh, we have to come up with the thesis ahead of time... gee, that doesn't sound like History 20IB all over again) (Oooh, we have to peer review, because I've never done that before) (I'm sorry but I can't help it). But I've gone through the process of having multiple exams over a short period of time before. I wrote 4 exams in one day. I HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED TO THE CONCEPT OF EXAMS.
I only have 7 of them. That's not even a bunch, and 3 of them will be done before exam week even starts. That leaves what, four? Come on.
Of course the scary thing is now that the information is difficult, but I will deal with that.
Still suspicious though. I feel much too prepared.
yer pal,
I FEEL TOO ORGANIZED. Feeling this way always makes me suspicious. Like there's something I should be doing that I'm just forgetting about. But I finished my math assignment (100% ON TWO ASSIGNMENTS IN A ROW HOT DOG YOU GUYS THIS IS GREAT), I finished my bio pre-lab assignment a week early because I thought it was due last week, I'm done my chem pre-lab for tomorrow, I've read Othello for English and read the essay on Othello twice, I've updated my bio notes as far as they can go, made plans to do my chem practice exam tomorrow (maybe I should just do that tonight. Sit down, 40 minutes, crank it out and see how I do and go over my mistakes), reviewed my chem notes, I reviewed philosophy yesterday (probs should do that again)... I just feel like I don't have enough to do WHICH I KNOW IS A DANGEROUS THING TO SAY BECAUSE NOW TOMORROW I WILL HAVE 5 MILLION THINGS TO DO AND THAT IS NO FUN but just I feel like it's wrong that my last semester of high school was harder than this.
I am so confused. I totally thought university was going to be super hard. I mean the rules are strict and the classes are larger and the content is more challenging but jesus christ IB has made all of this a breeze. NOTE TO STUDENTS OUT THERE DEBATING DOING IB: You are going to cry and work hard and be stressed out, but if you are planning on post secondary it will make the transition a thousand times easier. Plus in IB you have to learn to organize your work so you don't forget anything and you have to start studying in advance. We started studying for World Exams at the beginning of April, and our world exams were in May.
SWEET LORDS OF ACADEMICS I FINALLY JUST FOUND MY BIO NOTES FROM FRIDAY THANK GOD. I can update those now.
Last year whenever I had nothing to do I was suspicious, and sure enough, if I thought hard enough I usually found something that I still had to do and had just forgotten. I mean I have math questions from the book and I really should be practicing limits but it's really hard to motivate myself to do that. This is the problem. When there is lots to do, you buckle down and do it. When there is a little bit to do, you don't want to do anything. I'm sure things will change come finals and in October, once midterms roll around (although a few of my profs do like two exams throughout the term- my chem prof does that, and so does my philosophy prof, and I think my bio prof too) (and in English we just have some in-class essays (OH GOD THAT JUST STRESSED ME OUT NOOOO) (I need time to think of essay things!) and then a big paper at the end of the term- ooh, 1500 words, I'm shaking in my boots) (Oooh, we have to come up with the thesis ahead of time... gee, that doesn't sound like History 20IB all over again) (Oooh, we have to peer review, because I've never done that before) (I'm sorry but I can't help it). But I've gone through the process of having multiple exams over a short period of time before. I wrote 4 exams in one day. I HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED TO THE CONCEPT OF EXAMS.
I only have 7 of them. That's not even a bunch, and 3 of them will be done before exam week even starts. That leaves what, four? Come on.
Of course the scary thing is now that the information is difficult, but I will deal with that.
Still suspicious though. I feel much too prepared.
yer pal,
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Not sure if I've touched on this before, but suicide is a big fucking thing and I need to say this
No, I've never been suicidal, but I did have a friend who was, earlier this year. We're friends more because our parents are friends, considering she lived an 8-hour drive away, but for some reason earlier this year she chose to confide in me. I have no idea why. It was in the midst of final EE writing- I was pretty stressed out- and she just started texting me, telling me about her life and all these things she was going through.
It was a lot of shit. Friends should be nice to each other, kay? If people aren't being nice to you, they aren't your friends. That is always true. Always.
She sent me some poetry once, and that was when she first mentioned suicide at all. That worried me, but I figured she was okay, that that had been in the past and she'd made it through- she wasn't quite okay now, but she was a bit better.
And we kept texting. I think it only went on for 5 days or so, but when I look back on it it feels like it lasted for weeks. In between trying to console her (she had sworn me to secrecy and I was very torn about what to do; it ate me up inside for weeks) and trying to deal with the barrage of IB work I had, I was pretty stressed out and miserable.
I finally snapped on a Tuesday. We had a couple of chem labs that week, some bio stuff, I'm sure lots of other stuff- likely two history readings due with an in-class essay on Thursday- and I was in Spanish class. It was second period, I'd just had chem, and I was feeling a bit stressed, trying to console myself and listing the things I had to do because that always helps me realize there's not that much to do. Our teacher started the class by saying we were going to have a quiz on Friday, and I just lost it. I turned away from the class, embarrassed that I was crying, and someone noticed, and Omnia took me out into the hallway.
She asked what was wrong, and I explained all the school stuff, and she gave me a hug, and tried to console me, and I ended up blurting out that I'd been texting one of my friends and I was really worried she was going to kill herself.
I guess I have Omnia to thank; she was the one who suggested I tell my advisor about it. He worked in the counselling office, so he I guess had some experience with it, and either way I'd be in the counselling office when it happened. (Omnia also admitted she was glad to get out of Spanish class, and that lightened the mood. I know she wasn't taking advantage of my sadness- it was just an unexpected bonus. I liked Spanish, but getting out of any class is fine with me).
During advisor period I did talk to my advisor- at first, in the main area of the counselling offices, with all the couches and students. I started crying in the middle of it, so he pulled me into his office and closed the door and I explained everything to him. He offered suggestions and we eventually worked out that he could call the guidance counselor at her school and tell that counselor that this student was having problems. We looked her up on facebook- thankfully, she had listed what high school she went to. He made sure I was okay, sent me on my way, and called the counselor.
I guess that friend- the one I was so worried about- thought that whoever told the guidance counselor had greatly exaggerated the situation. She texted me to ask if it was me later that day, and I eventually told her it was. She wasn't mad at me, and eventually I think she thanked me. I hope she realized that I did it because I'd finally decided that her life was worth more than our friendship, however big or small that friendship was.
It took me a few days to tell my parents about it. My dad later got mad at me, saying I should have said something sooner and it was stupid to leave it for so long, that if I had been texting her these things, he would have wanted her to tell her parents (who are friends with my parents), that things could have been much worse. That didn't help the situation- I already felt bad enough about that, and dwelling on something I couldn't change was useless. I'd been on the fence about it for days, even looking up on the internet what to do if a friend was considering suicide. The message I got was the same across the board- TELL SOMEONE. Every website said the same thing. Tell someone you trust, tell anyone, but do not keep it a secret. That was hard for me to get past. I'd never felt so conflicted about something in my entire life. I contemplated calling the Kids Help Phone line, but never did get around to it.
So I'd like to add mine to the list of messages that say tell someone. Really. Honest to god. Fucking go and tell someone right now. It's not going to get any better. Unless you're an experienced counselor, you're not going to help them by just trying to be there for them. Being there for them is important, yes, but it might not be enough, and aren't their lives worth more than that?
That was a key realization for me. Her life is worth more than our relationship. I realized I would rather have her live and hate me bitterly than die thinking I was such a good friend. That's the message nobody told me and that needs to be told.
I know the whole thing wasn't about me, and it still really isn't, but it threw me into a colossal funk for the next couple of weeks. I would get so sad for no reason that I would just cry. It almost felt sobering, like up to that point in my life I'd been giddy and almost drunk in my disposition, I had been too smiling, too bubbly, too happy, not serious enough. IB made it hard to get out, but time heals everything and eventually I got back to normal, even if normal was a new and different normal. I'm not the same person I was, but then no one ever is.
From what I've heard from her now, she's doing better, she's gotten into sports again and that's helped. I'm just glad she has people around her now that can support her and help her out and that it's not this big fucking secret anymore.
One thing I do have to say that doesn't sound pretty: what she did wasn't fair. I realize that yes, she was in a dark place, she was going through trouble, things weren't all peachy-and-sunny. But for her to ask me to keep a secret like this when I was already going through the stress of something like IB was really not fair. To her credit, she didn't know how stressful IB was, but still. I'm not saying she did this on purpose to be unfair, but more so that it was what I did- expected myself to go along with her wish that it be kept secret- that was unfair. That wasn't fair to me. I shouldn't have tried to hold so much on my shoulders. It's not fair to have to keep adding stresses to yourself. Don't do that. Please. It's not worth it. Life is short and you can't do everything right, so don't wear yourself out trying to. Please.
I guess that's all I have to say about that. Some secrets are not meant to be secrets and I mean that with every bit of my heart.
I know this is the part of these entries where people usually refer numbers, but I have none to give. All I can say is that if you know someone keeping a secret like this and you haven't told someone (by someone I mean someone trustworthy), do it right now. Forget your homework, your sports practice, all those things you have to get done. Do it now. Right. Fucking. Now.
yer pal,
It was a lot of shit. Friends should be nice to each other, kay? If people aren't being nice to you, they aren't your friends. That is always true. Always.
She sent me some poetry once, and that was when she first mentioned suicide at all. That worried me, but I figured she was okay, that that had been in the past and she'd made it through- she wasn't quite okay now, but she was a bit better.
And we kept texting. I think it only went on for 5 days or so, but when I look back on it it feels like it lasted for weeks. In between trying to console her (she had sworn me to secrecy and I was very torn about what to do; it ate me up inside for weeks) and trying to deal with the barrage of IB work I had, I was pretty stressed out and miserable.
I finally snapped on a Tuesday. We had a couple of chem labs that week, some bio stuff, I'm sure lots of other stuff- likely two history readings due with an in-class essay on Thursday- and I was in Spanish class. It was second period, I'd just had chem, and I was feeling a bit stressed, trying to console myself and listing the things I had to do because that always helps me realize there's not that much to do. Our teacher started the class by saying we were going to have a quiz on Friday, and I just lost it. I turned away from the class, embarrassed that I was crying, and someone noticed, and Omnia took me out into the hallway.
She asked what was wrong, and I explained all the school stuff, and she gave me a hug, and tried to console me, and I ended up blurting out that I'd been texting one of my friends and I was really worried she was going to kill herself.
I guess I have Omnia to thank; she was the one who suggested I tell my advisor about it. He worked in the counselling office, so he I guess had some experience with it, and either way I'd be in the counselling office when it happened. (Omnia also admitted she was glad to get out of Spanish class, and that lightened the mood. I know she wasn't taking advantage of my sadness- it was just an unexpected bonus. I liked Spanish, but getting out of any class is fine with me).
During advisor period I did talk to my advisor- at first, in the main area of the counselling offices, with all the couches and students. I started crying in the middle of it, so he pulled me into his office and closed the door and I explained everything to him. He offered suggestions and we eventually worked out that he could call the guidance counselor at her school and tell that counselor that this student was having problems. We looked her up on facebook- thankfully, she had listed what high school she went to. He made sure I was okay, sent me on my way, and called the counselor.
I guess that friend- the one I was so worried about- thought that whoever told the guidance counselor had greatly exaggerated the situation. She texted me to ask if it was me later that day, and I eventually told her it was. She wasn't mad at me, and eventually I think she thanked me. I hope she realized that I did it because I'd finally decided that her life was worth more than our friendship, however big or small that friendship was.
It took me a few days to tell my parents about it. My dad later got mad at me, saying I should have said something sooner and it was stupid to leave it for so long, that if I had been texting her these things, he would have wanted her to tell her parents (who are friends with my parents), that things could have been much worse. That didn't help the situation- I already felt bad enough about that, and dwelling on something I couldn't change was useless. I'd been on the fence about it for days, even looking up on the internet what to do if a friend was considering suicide. The message I got was the same across the board- TELL SOMEONE. Every website said the same thing. Tell someone you trust, tell anyone, but do not keep it a secret. That was hard for me to get past. I'd never felt so conflicted about something in my entire life. I contemplated calling the Kids Help Phone line, but never did get around to it.
So I'd like to add mine to the list of messages that say tell someone. Really. Honest to god. Fucking go and tell someone right now. It's not going to get any better. Unless you're an experienced counselor, you're not going to help them by just trying to be there for them. Being there for them is important, yes, but it might not be enough, and aren't their lives worth more than that?
That was a key realization for me. Her life is worth more than our relationship. I realized I would rather have her live and hate me bitterly than die thinking I was such a good friend. That's the message nobody told me and that needs to be told.
I know the whole thing wasn't about me, and it still really isn't, but it threw me into a colossal funk for the next couple of weeks. I would get so sad for no reason that I would just cry. It almost felt sobering, like up to that point in my life I'd been giddy and almost drunk in my disposition, I had been too smiling, too bubbly, too happy, not serious enough. IB made it hard to get out, but time heals everything and eventually I got back to normal, even if normal was a new and different normal. I'm not the same person I was, but then no one ever is.
From what I've heard from her now, she's doing better, she's gotten into sports again and that's helped. I'm just glad she has people around her now that can support her and help her out and that it's not this big fucking secret anymore.
One thing I do have to say that doesn't sound pretty: what she did wasn't fair. I realize that yes, she was in a dark place, she was going through trouble, things weren't all peachy-and-sunny. But for her to ask me to keep a secret like this when I was already going through the stress of something like IB was really not fair. To her credit, she didn't know how stressful IB was, but still. I'm not saying she did this on purpose to be unfair, but more so that it was what I did- expected myself to go along with her wish that it be kept secret- that was unfair. That wasn't fair to me. I shouldn't have tried to hold so much on my shoulders. It's not fair to have to keep adding stresses to yourself. Don't do that. Please. It's not worth it. Life is short and you can't do everything right, so don't wear yourself out trying to. Please.
I guess that's all I have to say about that. Some secrets are not meant to be secrets and I mean that with every bit of my heart.
I know this is the part of these entries where people usually refer numbers, but I have none to give. All I can say is that if you know someone keeping a secret like this and you haven't told someone (by someone I mean someone trustworthy), do it right now. Forget your homework, your sports practice, all those things you have to get done. Do it now. Right. Fucking. Now.
yer pal,
I chew a lot of gum
This is an appreciation post for that.
Actually technically I am supposed to be looking up a summary of Othello to make sure I'm understanding it correctly (Iago's going behind everyone's backs and fucking shit up but making it look like other people did it so that everyone will call him "honest" and "noble" forever, the fat little turd. I think he's doing it because he's jealous?), but I read a sparknotes post called "How to Stay Awake in Class" instead. And they didn't mention chewing gum, which is lame because that is all that's getting me through philosophy and chem right now.
I have both classes about an hour or two post-lunch, which is prime nap time. Plus, philosophy's one of those classes where the prof just rambles on and on quietly about things and I don't quite understand all of them but I make myself take copious notes (I'm sure the girl two seats over who never takes any thinks I'm either a) a keener, b) really stupid, or c) just a nerdy loser), which is a strategy my mom suggested. And I chew gum. I have a whole box of spearmint gum and I just chew it. All the time.
Not even just to stay awake, either. Bored and want a snack but don't really need one because I'm not really hungry but just like food? Gum. Delicious, spearmint gum. Hungry but there's only like half an hour until dinner so I should wait but I really just want to stuff myself with delicious crispy minis? Gum. Want food even though I've already brushed my teeth and am totally not getting up to do it again? Gum.
Actually I think I just chew gum to avoid snacking a lot of the time. I mean I'm not anorexic- I'm not chewing gum as a replacement for food- but I chew gum when I want to eat even though I'm not really hungry and the food I want to eat is shitty food. It gives me something to chew and it's fucking delicious and it makes my breath smell nice, plus I end up eating more healthy food (ie the meals from downstairs) and less snacky food (and I am a university student living away from my parents now so you can bet that I am taking advantage of not having them being all "well we don't really need that dear" over my shoulder hahahaha) and that's good for my health and my skin and bla bla bla.
I mean I feel like as a girl if I start getting concerned about my weight, people are going to be like "oh she's one of those girls" which kind of makes me want to punch those people in the arm but seriously, I don't want to be one of those girls. I don't. I'm not someone whose weight controls her entire life. I'm just trying to eat food that's good for me- like vegetables. I am probably eating more of those here than I did at home so that's good. Plus the mealtimes are set, so I have to eat at very regular intervals which keeps me on track.
And gum keeps me awake. It gives me something else to focus on so my mind doesn't wander. I keep doing that in philosophy, I'll be sitting there and the prof will finish saying something and I'll realize I have no idea what he just said and panic a little bit. But not with chewing gum.
Chewing gum: it's magical, yo. Take advantage of it. Only if you're like me and you get cavities just thinking about sugar, pls chew sugarfree gum. (Although if you are like me, I found long ago that not drinking carbonated beverages meant no more cavities and that made me verrrrrry happy) (Also carbonation is gross and makes my throat feel weird and just ugh no. Only in Europe will I drink carbonated beverages, which is a very odd thing to say).
yer pal,
Actually technically I am supposed to be looking up a summary of Othello to make sure I'm understanding it correctly (Iago's going behind everyone's backs and fucking shit up but making it look like other people did it so that everyone will call him "honest" and "noble" forever, the fat little turd. I think he's doing it because he's jealous?), but I read a sparknotes post called "How to Stay Awake in Class" instead. And they didn't mention chewing gum, which is lame because that is all that's getting me through philosophy and chem right now.
I have both classes about an hour or two post-lunch, which is prime nap time. Plus, philosophy's one of those classes where the prof just rambles on and on quietly about things and I don't quite understand all of them but I make myself take copious notes (I'm sure the girl two seats over who never takes any thinks I'm either a) a keener, b) really stupid, or c) just a nerdy loser), which is a strategy my mom suggested. And I chew gum. I have a whole box of spearmint gum and I just chew it. All the time.
Not even just to stay awake, either. Bored and want a snack but don't really need one because I'm not really hungry but just like food? Gum. Delicious, spearmint gum. Hungry but there's only like half an hour until dinner so I should wait but I really just want to stuff myself with delicious crispy minis? Gum. Want food even though I've already brushed my teeth and am totally not getting up to do it again? Gum.
Actually I think I just chew gum to avoid snacking a lot of the time. I mean I'm not anorexic- I'm not chewing gum as a replacement for food- but I chew gum when I want to eat even though I'm not really hungry and the food I want to eat is shitty food. It gives me something to chew and it's fucking delicious and it makes my breath smell nice, plus I end up eating more healthy food (ie the meals from downstairs) and less snacky food (and I am a university student living away from my parents now so you can bet that I am taking advantage of not having them being all "well we don't really need that dear" over my shoulder hahahaha) and that's good for my health and my skin and bla bla bla.
I mean I feel like as a girl if I start getting concerned about my weight, people are going to be like "oh she's one of those girls" which kind of makes me want to punch those people in the arm but seriously, I don't want to be one of those girls. I don't. I'm not someone whose weight controls her entire life. I'm just trying to eat food that's good for me- like vegetables. I am probably eating more of those here than I did at home so that's good. Plus the mealtimes are set, so I have to eat at very regular intervals which keeps me on track.
And gum keeps me awake. It gives me something else to focus on so my mind doesn't wander. I keep doing that in philosophy, I'll be sitting there and the prof will finish saying something and I'll realize I have no idea what he just said and panic a little bit. But not with chewing gum.
Chewing gum: it's magical, yo. Take advantage of it. Only if you're like me and you get cavities just thinking about sugar, pls chew sugarfree gum. (Although if you are like me, I found long ago that not drinking carbonated beverages meant no more cavities and that made me verrrrrry happy) (Also carbonation is gross and makes my throat feel weird and just ugh no. Only in Europe will I drink carbonated beverages, which is a very odd thing to say).
yer pal,
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Okay but I have a serious question for you guys
Let's pretend we're 12 again.
I mean I know that's not the funnest thing for some of us to do, and there's probably some people out there who, at 12, were slightly more rational than most. I was not one of those people. 12 year old me, as I've said many times, was a gigantic idiot who ended up messing up her life quite a few times. 12 year old me was ridiculed and embarrassed more than I'd like to admit. 12 year old me had it rough at school. I am assuming that is because 12 year old me looked like a 7 year old, and all the other girls looked like, well, 14 year olds, and because I was smart and had a big mouth and could never keep it shut. (I'd like to say 13 year old me learned from these mistakes. On some level perhaps she did, but she was still very stupid. 14 year old me got quite an education when I switched schools and learned how to be a regular person who was capable of expressing things in a normal way and did not have crushes on assholes who ruined her life) (I mean okay on some level Nerd is a bit of an asshole, to the point where I don't like talking to him much... but compared to the assholes I had to deal with in middle school, he's a saint).
For some reason, I go back to being 12 a lot. And lately- well, less so since I moved far far away and started a new life far away from everything I knew, which, though it means cutting out a lot of good, familiar things, also means getting away from poisonous memories- I have been doing it more and more.
And it's always because of my stupid nickname.
My friends all use it now... well, some of them do. Just today when I said goodbye to Lucy, she called me by my nickname. I use it. I use it on a lot of sites because "swegan" is an unusual nickname and it is not usually taken by anyone else. I like this nickname on some level. It's realistic- a cool spin on my actual name. But it was thought up and popularized by a bunch of assholes who made my life miserable in middle school, and for some reason I just never got rid of it and now I'm kind of realizing that that's confusing me.
I mean, just... I can never change where this nickname got its origins from. I can't, it will always be from him, that poisonous boy who broke my heart. It will always be from that time, when I was stupid and naive and unwittingly got myself into a whole mess of trouble. I can't change the way it comes from a tainted beginning. I can't change any of that.
But then I think, well, by continuing to use it, am I not totally defying those origins? I'm sure that nickname was born out of hate or something, some desire on his part to embarrass me and make me sad. All of my other middle school nicknames (smeagol, gollum (ever so briefly), melchy) were. But then maybe it wasn't. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I got that nickname before things got bad. He was just annoying me. I was fun to tease at that point. I've always been fun to tease and it's something I hate about myself. But they could get a reaction out of me, so they did, and it amused them to no end, and of course 12 year old me loved the attention because I was a nerdy loser. Later, when he found out, things got nasty. And not a lot of things happened, I can tell you that. There were maybe 8 incidents over two years, but it was so clear during that whole time that the hate those incidents were born out of never went away. It was like background noise.
But if it was a nickname intended to be a weapon, then am I defying those origins by continuing to use it? By saying "well, you know what, I actually like this nickname so I'm going to keep it and you can't do anything about it" am I giving him a giant middle finger? I really don't think so.
What I think is that I'm hanging on to middle school for some reason. It was horrible, it was. But for some reason none of that mattered after middle school to everyone else. On some level I'm convinced that I shouldn't be so affected by this. Why don't I just forget about it and move on? All my tormentors clearly have. Nobody else seems to think about the bullies from their past as often as I do. And my bullying wasn't even that bad. I mean, sure, it was sick and twisted because I liked him and I can't for the life of me remember why since nothing about him is in any way likable. But why am I still not over this? Why is it this that I can't get past? For christ's sake, I had my heart broken last year by a boy who was actually a decent person and I got over that just fine. We're even friends... sort of. Well, at any rate we're decent to each other, which is really great.
I feel stupid for even thinking about middle school. I should just forget all of the bad times, pretend like they never happened. I mean, well, maybe not that. But I should be able to say "what's in the past is what's in the past and I can't change it", but I can't do that and I'm driving myself up the wall trying to figure out why. I just want to be done with it. All of it.
Sometimes I think it's because maybe people admire people more who have come from adversity and made something of themselves. Maybe I latch onto it for that. Maybe I like to pretend I, too, was a victim of bullying, when in reality it was just made all the worse by a stupid crush. I don't really have any right to claim that this has scarred me and I don't feel like it has, but then there's always the matter of my nickname to come back to.
I've considered dropping it. I've considered asking people to stop calling me swegan, to sign my blog posts something else even though I can never change my nickname, and then I think of all the other internet sites I have a membership to with this nickname, and I realize it's impossible to get it out of my life. But I feel like by using it I'm just dragging a useless past into my future and I need to stop doing that and the only way I can think of is to just stop using it actively. Come up with new nicknames for sites. Christ, though, I signed up for my math homework site with this nickname. It's just so fucking convenient.
But I can't discern for myself whether taking this nickname and using it to describe myself is a good idea or not. I know I should be able to decide that for myself but clearly I can't.
I know it sounds really stupid. I know I need to get over this, stop acting like middle school was some horrible thing that happened to me when really it wasn't all bad, stop acting like it's affected my development because it hasn't. I graduated high school with a provincial diploma and an IB diploma. I've written research papers galore. I've done tons of piano exams. I managed to make a new circle of friends with great people who are really nice to me and treat me like a human being worthy of respect and love and I love them to death for doing that. I'm in university already- and a great one at that, doing well. I've written about 6 novels, though only 4 of them are marginally readable, and only 1 is one I feel like I could edit into something great. I have this whole future ahead of me. Not to mention my self esteem is fine- no eating disorders, no mental disorders, nothing. I've never harmed myself. I've learned to love myself and have confidence and try to be kind to others and help them if I can. I volunteered throughout my last two years of high school and have grown up to be very principled. So why the actual fuck am I still wasting brain space thinking about a time when I was none of that at all? When I was just a kid having a slightly rough time because of slightly stupid choices? Why do I even care that I kept a nickname from middle school?
Well if I've learned anything through this big-ass ramble it's that I don't even fucking know and I don't think I ever will and even though it makes me feel like I'm 12 all over again I'll never quite get over middle school, which sounds really, really stupid, but then so did 80% of the things I said when I was 12.
But the question is... do I keep the nickname? Aside from how impossible it is to remove, I know I could theoretically move forward and never use that nickname again, eradicate it from my life as much as I possibly can, leave it in the past like the rest of my past. I mean I'd have to find a new nickname, but I'm sure I'd manage.
Just thought I'd put that out there, because I know that this blog is getting hits and so people must be reading the stuff I write at least some of the time, yes? Also because last time I checked I knew about 5 friends that know about this blog but I am guessing it became a bit too boring for them to check every day or something- which I understand, and as I've said before, the point of this whole thing isn't to get comments, it's just to write shit and have it be publicly viewable even if none of the public is viewing it. The idea that people could read it is enough for me, and so is that question.
Nickname: Yes or No?
yer pal,
I mean I know that's not the funnest thing for some of us to do, and there's probably some people out there who, at 12, were slightly more rational than most. I was not one of those people. 12 year old me, as I've said many times, was a gigantic idiot who ended up messing up her life quite a few times. 12 year old me was ridiculed and embarrassed more than I'd like to admit. 12 year old me had it rough at school. I am assuming that is because 12 year old me looked like a 7 year old, and all the other girls looked like, well, 14 year olds, and because I was smart and had a big mouth and could never keep it shut. (I'd like to say 13 year old me learned from these mistakes. On some level perhaps she did, but she was still very stupid. 14 year old me got quite an education when I switched schools and learned how to be a regular person who was capable of expressing things in a normal way and did not have crushes on assholes who ruined her life) (I mean okay on some level Nerd is a bit of an asshole, to the point where I don't like talking to him much... but compared to the assholes I had to deal with in middle school, he's a saint).
For some reason, I go back to being 12 a lot. And lately- well, less so since I moved far far away and started a new life far away from everything I knew, which, though it means cutting out a lot of good, familiar things, also means getting away from poisonous memories- I have been doing it more and more.
And it's always because of my stupid nickname.
My friends all use it now... well, some of them do. Just today when I said goodbye to Lucy, she called me by my nickname. I use it. I use it on a lot of sites because "swegan" is an unusual nickname and it is not usually taken by anyone else. I like this nickname on some level. It's realistic- a cool spin on my actual name. But it was thought up and popularized by a bunch of assholes who made my life miserable in middle school, and for some reason I just never got rid of it and now I'm kind of realizing that that's confusing me.
I mean, just... I can never change where this nickname got its origins from. I can't, it will always be from him, that poisonous boy who broke my heart. It will always be from that time, when I was stupid and naive and unwittingly got myself into a whole mess of trouble. I can't change the way it comes from a tainted beginning. I can't change any of that.
But then I think, well, by continuing to use it, am I not totally defying those origins? I'm sure that nickname was born out of hate or something, some desire on his part to embarrass me and make me sad. All of my other middle school nicknames (smeagol, gollum (ever so briefly), melchy) were. But then maybe it wasn't. Thinking back, I'm pretty sure I got that nickname before things got bad. He was just annoying me. I was fun to tease at that point. I've always been fun to tease and it's something I hate about myself. But they could get a reaction out of me, so they did, and it amused them to no end, and of course 12 year old me loved the attention because I was a nerdy loser. Later, when he found out, things got nasty. And not a lot of things happened, I can tell you that. There were maybe 8 incidents over two years, but it was so clear during that whole time that the hate those incidents were born out of never went away. It was like background noise.
But if it was a nickname intended to be a weapon, then am I defying those origins by continuing to use it? By saying "well, you know what, I actually like this nickname so I'm going to keep it and you can't do anything about it" am I giving him a giant middle finger? I really don't think so.
What I think is that I'm hanging on to middle school for some reason. It was horrible, it was. But for some reason none of that mattered after middle school to everyone else. On some level I'm convinced that I shouldn't be so affected by this. Why don't I just forget about it and move on? All my tormentors clearly have. Nobody else seems to think about the bullies from their past as often as I do. And my bullying wasn't even that bad. I mean, sure, it was sick and twisted because I liked him and I can't for the life of me remember why since nothing about him is in any way likable. But why am I still not over this? Why is it this that I can't get past? For christ's sake, I had my heart broken last year by a boy who was actually a decent person and I got over that just fine. We're even friends... sort of. Well, at any rate we're decent to each other, which is really great.
I feel stupid for even thinking about middle school. I should just forget all of the bad times, pretend like they never happened. I mean, well, maybe not that. But I should be able to say "what's in the past is what's in the past and I can't change it", but I can't do that and I'm driving myself up the wall trying to figure out why. I just want to be done with it. All of it.
Sometimes I think it's because maybe people admire people more who have come from adversity and made something of themselves. Maybe I latch onto it for that. Maybe I like to pretend I, too, was a victim of bullying, when in reality it was just made all the worse by a stupid crush. I don't really have any right to claim that this has scarred me and I don't feel like it has, but then there's always the matter of my nickname to come back to.
I've considered dropping it. I've considered asking people to stop calling me swegan, to sign my blog posts something else even though I can never change my nickname, and then I think of all the other internet sites I have a membership to with this nickname, and I realize it's impossible to get it out of my life. But I feel like by using it I'm just dragging a useless past into my future and I need to stop doing that and the only way I can think of is to just stop using it actively. Come up with new nicknames for sites. Christ, though, I signed up for my math homework site with this nickname. It's just so fucking convenient.
But I can't discern for myself whether taking this nickname and using it to describe myself is a good idea or not. I know I should be able to decide that for myself but clearly I can't.
I know it sounds really stupid. I know I need to get over this, stop acting like middle school was some horrible thing that happened to me when really it wasn't all bad, stop acting like it's affected my development because it hasn't. I graduated high school with a provincial diploma and an IB diploma. I've written research papers galore. I've done tons of piano exams. I managed to make a new circle of friends with great people who are really nice to me and treat me like a human being worthy of respect and love and I love them to death for doing that. I'm in university already- and a great one at that, doing well. I've written about 6 novels, though only 4 of them are marginally readable, and only 1 is one I feel like I could edit into something great. I have this whole future ahead of me. Not to mention my self esteem is fine- no eating disorders, no mental disorders, nothing. I've never harmed myself. I've learned to love myself and have confidence and try to be kind to others and help them if I can. I volunteered throughout my last two years of high school and have grown up to be very principled. So why the actual fuck am I still wasting brain space thinking about a time when I was none of that at all? When I was just a kid having a slightly rough time because of slightly stupid choices? Why do I even care that I kept a nickname from middle school?
Well if I've learned anything through this big-ass ramble it's that I don't even fucking know and I don't think I ever will and even though it makes me feel like I'm 12 all over again I'll never quite get over middle school, which sounds really, really stupid, but then so did 80% of the things I said when I was 12.
But the question is... do I keep the nickname? Aside from how impossible it is to remove, I know I could theoretically move forward and never use that nickname again, eradicate it from my life as much as I possibly can, leave it in the past like the rest of my past. I mean I'd have to find a new nickname, but I'm sure I'd manage.
Just thought I'd put that out there, because I know that this blog is getting hits and so people must be reading the stuff I write at least some of the time, yes? Also because last time I checked I knew about 5 friends that know about this blog but I am guessing it became a bit too boring for them to check every day or something- which I understand, and as I've said before, the point of this whole thing isn't to get comments, it's just to write shit and have it be publicly viewable even if none of the public is viewing it. The idea that people could read it is enough for me, and so is that question.
Nickname: Yes or No?
yer pal,
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