On Writing

Hey, if Stephen King can write a whole book on this, I can write a blog post on it.

I often wish I wrote differently. Like, I read a lot of writing, I think I know what good writing sounds like at this point. But I can't be one of those poets who writes those long-ass poems you read on tumblr, what with all their flowery language that somehow makes you feel cool while reading it. I can't write good essays, I mean like I write good essays, but writing essays isn't my calling, you know? Like I have the ability to write stuff and not have it sound like crap, but not have it not sound like crap enough to show it to anybody, ever.

I miss it.

I miss writing now more than ever, what with my miserable horrible feelings for people that I feel absolutely horrible about because the key word there is people and not person and I don't know how to deal with that. I miss writing when exams are piling up on me and I have to pass ochem, I have to, so that I don't have to take it again, and I miss writing when it's 2 AM and I'm bored to tears and there's nothing at ALL for me to do on the internet.

But everytime I try to go back, I cringe. There was some period of my life when I could suppress the inner editor, when I was like "what I write is absolute fucking garbage that reads like the worst fanfiction you've ever read except about my own characters instead of someone else's" and it was fine because nobody had to read it. Except then I had to quit for practical reasons and there is nothing else I regret more.

I know, I know. I'm not supposed to live with regrets, and I really try not to do that. I have very few regrets in life. The list is probably: 90% of my actions in middle school, not ending my high school relationship 8 months sooner, and quitting writing. That's it, that's my whole list of life regrets. Out of all the things I've done on this earth, those are the ones I wish I hadn't. But this one really bugs me, because now I am friends with someone who actually writes a LOT, and I am intimidated by it because I miss it so much.

But I look at my writing, which is all YA-targeted (mostly because I did it when I was a young adult myself) and bad. I have read many a YA book (adult books bore me to tears and have too much sex), I know what good YA sounds like. It is not my writing.

Yes, yes, I know, I know, first drafts are always terrible. Always! But the problem with me is that I'm far too lazy to go back and edit my own writing. It's one thing when it's a 5-6 page essay for my Women's and Gender Studies class. It's another thing when it's a 40K word novel I wrote that has the shakiest plot foundation ever. It's much easier to correct arguments in a paper I have to write for class than it is to build a stable world in which two characters would end up going on a road trip together. How would that even happen? Argh.

This whole post doesn't even sound like me. It sounds like someone trying to be good at writing, and that weirds me out. It's like I've become too self aware now. I don't know how to lose myself anymore. Everything has to have structure and make sense and blah blah blah whatEVer, I want to lose myself again.

I want to be able to write that crappy fanfiction-style Camp Lame-o shit that I used to. I want to be able to do that, to get carried away in oh-so-convenient plots that just HAPPEN to throw my very own self-created OTP together every single time. That is my favourite thing to write: create two characters with hella romantic tension and throw them together. What will happen? I don't know, but it'll be fun! And crappy!

My current plans for next NaNo are very much along these lines. I debated just spending the whole of November listening to Shania Twain and writing the cheesiest fucking country romance I could think of, but that became a problem because 1) I know nothing about cowboys, and 2) I cannot spend that long blushing. Blushing, why? Because I would be constantly embarrassed that I would be writing that, even if nobody else ever read it and nobody ever would.

I still need to find a use for that poem I wrote, though. I'm ridiculously proud of it, and I know that I could one day recite it to my kids as I put them to sleep/read it as a fucking vow at my wedding or something (it is that versatile, ladies and gentlemen, and it is abso-fucking-lutely that cheesy) but like those events are like 7-10 years away and I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG.


I kind of ran out of steam there. I think I've said all I want to say on that topic for right now.

yer pal,
swegan