I think maybe I just don't like to write as much on Sundays.
I also think it occurred to me that the reason I've never really felt drawn to creating a science blog is because my passion was never science writing. It's always been creative writing. Creative writing is what gave me the tools to be a good writer in the first place, because I have spent so much time writing in my life. I don't think my lab reports, essays, and even my review paper would have been half as good had I not just enjoyed spending my time writing about things.
I actually just wrote out a whole post below this and was treating it like an assignment, or maybe a journal entry. In either case, it's not really the ethos of what I want to get into on this blog. The purpose of it is still evolving, but any time I type out and write a whole post about Some Opinion I Have I find myself getting into the weeds of something I got off social media for in the first place: defending myself. And honestly, don't I do enough of that at school? For fuck's sake, I have an exam that is LITERALLY referred to as a defense coming up sometime in the next year or so. Why do I want to come on here and justify my thoughts on why students cheat, or how we talk about controversial subjects, or whatever?
Of course it's not the SAME as arguing in a comment thread, which is subject to disappear if the post author tires of the comment notifications, has no bounds on when someone can reply, has poor structure for citing sources, and sometimes even has word limits. Not to mention the whole anonymous aspect that makes us all nasty (including me, which again, is part of why I got off social media in the first place). For starters, I seriously doubt anyone is reading this, which is a blessing and a curse, but for another thing, if they were to comment, I'm in control and can just delete it if I don't feel like engaging with it. I'm also never requesting people to comment, which probably hinders it. It's more that this is a safe space to write publicly. Anyone can access this blog in theory, but nobody is. I'm not promoting it and I'm not driving engagement or worrying about SEO. It's just sort of here. It's an acceptable risk.
But it's also just not really something I want to do. I love discussing and thinking about controversial topics, but maybe not here. Maybe not with strangers who have no motivation to give me the benefit of the doubt (since the social rules of politeness, civility, and not making a fucking scene don't apply). But with friends? Colleagues? Yeah, then it's fine- they have to treat me with civility, and I them. Those bounds on our actions are necessary.
This isn't even something I necessarily realized I cared about until today. I did think that by going off social media I'd get in fewer pointless arguments and spend less time in my day in that kind of activated angry state that feels so awful and so righteous all at the same time. But I wasn't thinking about oh, I actually have opinions on how disagreements should take place in society. Apparently I do. And I don't even want to get into it that much, because treating this like a personal reflection is the point.
The actual honest reason why I decided to blog here during my break was because I knew I'd need an outlet for my ideas and thoughts that I was sharing on social media before. Of course not like this, never like this, because it just isn't possible. Social media is just designed to be quick and digestible. It has the advantage of making it easier to find and manage an audience, but it doesn't really respond well to nuance or long thoughtful posts or videos. This is also why youtube is not something I consider "social media" though others may disagree- the point of youtube is to watch videos. That's it. People will post much longer form content on there that takes time and energy to create, and that time and energy weeds out people who just want to yell about things online for fun. I spend a lot of time on it, but it always kind of manages its own time.
That's the other thing about activities I'm choosing now. Even with books, I don't get lost in them forever. I do like when that happens with books, but it's just easier to put them down and come back later. It's hard to put down tiktok, let me tell you. Even the one video game we have in the house (not on the computer) that I enjoy is kind of self limited by the fact that I tend to die on a specific level all the time. I'm able to enjoy things without feeling like I have to stop doing them prematurely, and I think that adds to the level of overall satisfaction with my life.
Another fringe benefit that interrupted this post writing: I think I'm more approachable. I just had a really nice conversation with another grad student from my lab when someone asked if he wanted to go to med school and he was like "hell no, I don't need more school" and I chimed in with "I'm with you" and it became a whole thing. The one thing I won't do is end a conversation early; this is a habit I've spoken about on here before, but a while ago, and is something I adopted in undergrad. I realized when I lived in residence that I hated ending dinner conversations early to go and "study" which usually meant scroll tumblr until I fell asleep. I liked talking to people, and I was lonely and in need of friends. One day I decided I'd never be the one to end the conversation unless I legitimately had something that needed doing. If someone said they had to go, I'd let them, and would accept the conversation's end. But I'd never do it myself. It led to some really long and interesting conversations, including one that lasted for I think 3 hours after a random lecture one time with a fellow student that I regarded as a bit of a stupid man. It was interesting to have my ideas challenged and pushed, to find common ground, and to get to know this person. We never really spoke again at length and he went on to say some truly stupid things in class, but it was still nice. It was an experience. It was a connection with someone. I think I even missed dinner at my residence for that one.
That's actually something I would encourage people to do- when you're having a good conversation, let it happen! Resist the pressure to stop because you "have to" do this or that thing. The reasons I'd end a conversation were pretty much limited to: having to go to the bathroom, being kicked of a particular area, having a class I had to get to, or having something that urgently needed doing right that minute. Or if the conversation wasn't enjoyable for both of us (so the stupid idiot man in my building who would argue with public health and nursing majors about public healthcare despite being a fucking business student was not someone I would chat with, because I only wanted to talk to people who had something worthwhile to say- but it did mean that I talked to the one very conservative man who heard me out in good faith about abortion and worked with me to find common ground). This meant that I would talk to people sometimes for hours. That didn't always lead to friendships, and I don't really talk to a lot of those people today, but it got me through those times. It helped me connect with others. It let me hear interesting ideas and experiences. It challenged me. It showed me flaws in my thinking. I learned about things I otherwise wouldn't have.
Just today I learned from this other graduate student that I'm not the only one in the lab with a physician parent and that I'm not the only one who HATES lab work and thinks a post-doctoral fellowship is a bad idea. That stuff made me feel less alone, like my experience wasn't quite as niche as I thought. Honestly I think there are a lot of graduate students who come to really hate what they're doing but see it through anyways.
I'm also coming to a place where I don't want to go back on social media, perhaps ever. Maybe I'll just extend the time away, maybe I'll delete my accounts in a fury, I don't know. I just know that if I go back with the intention of "I just have to limit my use this time" it will just end up the same way. Something has to change. But things feel peaceful and quiet now in my mind and in my life. I feel less distracted. I like it.
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