I mean I AM still wasting time

The thing is that social media was never the black box that sucked away all my time, it was just one more reason not to do my work. It is harder to procrastinate now, but I find myself, I don't know, watching more youtube videos (I don't count this as social media, though some may disagree... I think it's because the algorithm is so fucking terrible on youtube at the moment that I really only ever have a handful of videos I'm interested in watching at any given time, so my time on there self-limits, which I appreciate), but also reading more articles.

I had this idea in my head that if I wanted to be a science writer (something I am still considering quite seriously), that I need to be consuming more written content. Social media- particularly instagram and tiktok- are video based. I found that as I used them more and more, I found myself wondering what it might be like to start making those videos and sharing them with the public. I found myself making drafts, sometimes playing around creatively, but more often than not, simply stating my thoughts to the camera and slapping a label on it. This isn't the worst thing- I refuse to try to become an influencer in any sense of the word, as I don't think I could handle it even slightly- but honestly, was that the best use of my time?

I've always spoken out loud to myself, at least since I was about 10 or 11. I just had this epiphany that I could, out loud, narrate my thoughts. I've never stopped doing this. I think it's part of what has made me so good at public speaking, and more comfortable doing it. I'm just used to talking. I'm used to talking where there is no response. This is a surprisingly overlooked part of giving lectures or teaching at the post-secondary level, and also a part of giving presentations for committee meetings or defenses or conference presentations. But I have caught myself filming that more and more. I never watch those videos back. Ever. Some are even saved on my phone.

I think the part of it is that sometimes talking feels like a better or easier mode of expression than writing or typing, but when you want to listen back to something, you have to listen to it at exactly the speed it was spoken. If I write a journal entry, it might take me exactly the same amount of time to do, but when I read it later, I'll zip through it in minutes (aided by the relatable content and voice since it's my writing about things I personally experienced). This makes it a lot more efficient to me- it's laborious to produce, but easier to consume, and the physical act of writing forces me to distill and focus my thoughts. Even typing doesn't do this, though of course i find it useful for some things (like this). But speaking aloud? Editing your speech down to something truly concise takes a long ass time. 

So again. Is recording these really the best use of my time? I don't know. Maybe not. They're all gone now, of course, since drafts are deleted with the app, and I can't even really be that mad about it. 

But I am noticing now that I am more inclined to write and think about my experiences, or just talk through my process for myself and my ears, which often leads me to concise insights I can then just write down. The urge to film myself talking or doing something is gone now that I'm not constantly consuming other people filming themselves talking or doing something. It's kind of nice.

I think the other part is that I'm not constantly being bombarded by a lot of different opinions and takes all the time, unless I choose to seek them out. I'm not constantly affronted with different opinions, most of which I find slightly miss what I think is the point, and I encounter a lot less pseudoscience. I have space to consider my take on a book or article I read without the pressure to comment (something I often self-limit by just not making accounts on things where I can). There's just less offense in my day-to-day. I think that's part of it too, soooo many of those videos were made when I'd just seen a different video that I think massively missed the point or left out some hugely important context. Now and then there was one that provided an insight I hadn't thought of, but let me tell you... you get way more insights and way less offense from books. I read something like 4 this weekend alone (to be fair, some were short, and I was finishing up others) and the two that weren't fiction provided me with far more interesting insights and thoughtful points than any hour of scrolling tiktok ever did, even though I followed a lot of people who made primarily educational, thoughtful content.

I'm also forced to consider today that not knowing what is going on in the lives of friendly acquaintances is not having much of an impact on my life. If I ever bump into those people in real life, I might ask what they have been up to and get an interesting update that I can talk to them about, but otherwise... is knowing what goes on in their lives and occasionally having good chats actually making us more connected? Do they feel more connected to me when I was actively posting? Is that feeling based in reality- were we actually more connected- or did it just feel that way? I know as much about their personal lives now as I ever did. 

I still don't feel lonely, and that kind of worries me. And doesn't. I have a group of about 6 people I see daily or regularly and I don't particularly feel a need to add more. Which, if I'm being honest, is hard to reconcile with the fact that I've seen firsthand that sometimes you can lose a friendship hard and fast with literally no warning, and sometimes it's not just one at a time. My anxiety is screaming at me that I need to have as many friends as possible. That I could lose people again. I could lose everyone and then who would be there for me? It's a miserable way to live, though, to focus on avoiding pain at the expense of just enjoying life. Being off of social media means confronting all this even closer up. I'm worried that I should feel lonely. I'm worried I will feel lonely and oh my god why aren't you doing anything to prevent it? I'm trying to let cooler thoughts prevail in my mind... because I have to be able to trust these relationships that I do have. I have to be able to put weight on them and trust that they'll hold. I can't live a normal life otherwise, wondering at every turn if I've just broken everything, too afraid to even lean on things and exhausting myself in the process until I'm forced to collapse on those things. To put it another way, I don't want to use social media to alleviate anxiety I know is ridiculous, because I think social media comes with so many other downsides for my life. I'm no longer sure the tradeoff is worth it.

The one other thing I just had pointed out to me by reading other blog posts of people who have gone off social media for a very long time is the urge to buy things because I am constantly comparing my life to others has decreased. So much of the content I consumed was about consuming things, or not consuming things, and kind of being fascinated with people talking about how much stuff they consumed, and wondering if that was normal, and why I didn't struggle with it as much. But also seeing other people's houses, even the imperfect or normal looking ones, made me play the comparison game. Even when people's houses were about the same messiness level as mine, even when it was clear they were in a lower socioeconomic bracket or category or whatever, I was still playing that "ooh I kind of want that" game in my head. I hadn't even realized this until it was just pointed out. I'm very glad to be free of that. I'm sure in the long run it will save me money. Kind of wild that I have had days without fantasizing about changing my entire wardrobe or buying a new kitchen gadget. What a nice change.

Here's to hoping it's all up from here.