Coming to the end (of the month)

The whole goal of this experiment was to go 30 days. Though I realize now, there was some other stuff embedded in there, like whether or not I'd actually make it that long. I can now almost say I did (there's still a few days left, after all), but if I'm being completely honest, some may not agree with me.

I still looked at twitter- but I don't have an account. I haven't for years, and I will never get one again, at least not for personal reasons (I don't know what kind of career I'm going to have). This means all I can do is read what other people say, either by leafing through a hashtag, or reading someone's profile, and that's only because I finally found an extension that would allow me to look at it for more than 5 seconds before the site told me to sign up (I did this because during some major school issues last year, the most reliable and frequent updates were on twitter, which I find kind of depressing). I've looked at reddit threads- mostly for information on stuff; I'm sure we all know the beleaguered frustration of adding "reddit" to the end of a google search to get honest opinions about some product or service, rather than just ads or pages from the company itself. For all I hate reddit after logging off permanently 2 years ago (I really should delete my account), it DOES offer a way to find genuine opinions about a particular brand of leggings or a random website some youtuber recommended.

Youtube is the other big one. I know many would classify it as social media, and I see why. I realize now that I've come to the end of this month still using it that it's a notable exception I've made. I never felt worried about my use of youtube and my time spent on it. Most of what I watch is longer form content and I find it an interesting way to learn about different things. It allows me to watch workout videos, which I've suddenly had more time and energy for this month, and allows me to watch helpful videos around various little craft techniques. I leave comments sometimes, but I am very self-censorious and often will delete all or most of a comment after typing it. I don't have notifications on to reply to things, I don't use my real name, and most of my comments get lost in the sea anyway. That's fine with me.

Last night my husband and I met up with one of my friends and some of her work friends for board games. I found out something had recently happened to her that she'd elected only to share on snapchat. She asked if I was still off it and we had a brief discussion about it; I found out that I'm not the only person she knows who regularly just goes off social media without warning. To that I had to say I didn't want to be like another mutual acquaintance of ours, who loves to announce on social media what they are doing with their life next, only to quietly quit two days later. They have done this with social media before, more than once. I didn't want to be that person, proudly putting on my story "I'm going off social media, text me xoxo!!!" because it felt like it would defeat the purpose. I left something in my bio- "Off socials for march"- and figured that was enough. 

Part of me wants to go back now and see what I missed, but I have a sneaking suspicion I already know what it is. A lot of conversations of memes sent by my husband, my sister, and one of my friends, and potential a few craft videos sent by a group chat with two other friends. Some posts from people I know and love. And... that's probably it. I could probably catch up with everything in about 20 minutes. But I wouldn't just spend 20 minutes there. I'd go down the rabbit hole for a long time. I'd get stuck again. 

So now that brings me to the next question I have to ask myself: what do you want to go back to? Tiktok is honestly something I've all but forgotten about in the last month, particularly over the last week, so that's an easy no- except maybe to delete my account. Facebook is so boring at this point that I hardly think I'll get stuck there- I'll probably resort to doing what my mom does and checking once a month, or using it to find events, etc. I won't put it back on my phone. I've watched my husband and sister get sucked down the rabbit hole of watching videos on facebook from time to time, and now even my dad, and I don't really want that to be me. I'll probably also go and delete my reddit account, since I never posted much of value on there anyway. 

The real sticklers are Instagram, Snapchat, and Tumblr. I haven't mentioned the latter much on this blog at all, because I signed out probably last August after it got to be too much for me and haven't signed back in. I appreciate the anonymous nature of the platform and the way it has text posts instead of video content, but I find myself getting too sucked into stupid angry arguments and drama on there, and I find it emboldens some truly insane views that I just get tired of hearing about after a while. But I can't bring myself to delete the account there. I think it's because some of the stuff I've posted there IS something I'd consider to be valuable. It's a deeply personal collection of things as well, since I've had it since about 2014. It really has a lot of features I like in social media, and I'm loath to delete it even though I know I could simply start fresh... but it sucks up my time just like any other, and it often provokes me in a way I don't like. I think for now the best thing to do is just stay logged off until I start getting those emails about losing my username again.

As for Snapchat, the main issue is that it appears to be the way some people often communicate with me. Most people I have on there I never send messages to, mostly I just watch their stories. My friend remarked last night that I was the only person she knew who got caught up in the stories section over there, which has some truly heinous content- it's like the social media equivalent of gossip magazines and tabloids. I told her the only reason I get caught up in that is when I have only snapchat and nothing else on my phone. It is just where I redirect my energies, despite all its shortcomings. I told her last night I'd pay for a version of snapchat without it all at this point- a version which is just the chatting stuff, not the weird social stuff. I'd pay a subscription for that. $2.99/monthly is definitely worth not being tempted by all that garbage. Of course, the problem with that is likely the same as the problem with trying to do this for free through an app like screenzen- I can just stop paying, or disable or delete the app causing the limitation. That was my issue the last time I tried screen zen- for some reason the act of physically deleting the apps and not going on them at all is a better deterrent despite knowing I could just reinstall them. Maybe because deleting one app is like, three steps, but reinstalling multiple ones and logging in is many, many more. I'm inclined to reinstall this one, however, with screen zen, and give myself some period of time- say a week or ten days- to see how I do. I'd probably limit myself to 3-4 five minute sessions daily of that app, with a small delay- say 15 seconds. If, after the trial period, I can't handle it, I'll have to consider what to do next. Because I just don't want to get sucked into that vortex of shitty, time-wasting content, particularly since the ads are MUCH more annoying on snapchat than any other app. 

Last, but certainly not least: Instagram. This one is surprisingly the most complicated for me. I use it to talk to friends, and it's where most people I care about post updates about their life. I can scroll past most ads more easily, and I enjoy the kind of connection I find on there. I dislike greatly that it's moving more and more towards video content, and the reels are often just old, recycled tiktoks, which tempts me back there. I could take a similar approach to snapchat- install it with limits- but I have a feeling this one more than any other would strain the limits quite severely. Instagram is really a lot of what I want in a social media app- I can keep things private for myself and therefore semi-anonymous, connect with real people I know, and see their life updates, and it isn't solely video formatted. Because of that temptation, it's the trickiest one to wrangle. Because it also has an explore page that I can spend hours getting lost on with a variety of different content. It brings the temptation to film myself and post rants, and the temptation to follow people I don't know who post a LOT more often because it's their job. Everything about it is too enticing. So I think, for now, I'm going to stay off that one. It might be more feasible to check that one once a month, like facebook, on their web version, which is severely limited compared to the app, but I need more time away. I want more time away.

And that's the kicker at the end of it all. On some level, I want to be off these stupid fucking apps and websites. I do not want to use them. Most of what they do to me is cause me to waste time and get angry. That's no way to live. I've read so many books this month. I started a cross stitch project I'd been putting off. My screen time is greatly reduced, and I've been forced to embrace boredom more. I can see too how much people around me use these apps, and honestly, I was probably the same, if not worse. I don't think I'm more enlightened or better than they are, but sometimes I selfishly wish they'd join me. The reasons I stay on some of these apps is because of personal history and the ability they offer me to connect with people I care about, including people I may not be particularly physically close to, which affects our ability to have a close relationship of any kind. 

It's been a really good month. I don't want it to end. It seems ludicrous that I'm suffering even minor social consequences for not using a handful of apps. The problem seems to be that I started in the first place. If I'd never signed up, if I'd never downloaded the apps, if I'd never bothered... would I even have this problem at all? But of course then I'd always be wondering what if and feeling that maybe things would be better on the other side. At least now I know for sure... they really aren't. 

The thing is, despite what I just said about snapchat and maybe looking at facebook, nobody is strictly forcing me to be online. I could just... keep doing this. And I kind of want to. Why stop? I read an article about a man who did this for an entire year- he had to go back eventually, he said, because he had too many friends scattered all over and it just was the best way to get updates (he was about 10 years older than me, though, so a different stage of life). 

I realize now the purpose of posting about this somewhere has been just to put out in the void a little guide for others about how it feels being off social media for a relatively long chunk of time. This is more than just turning off your phone at night or putting it down to watch a movie or visit with a friend, or deleting your apps when you have a busy period of schoolwork coming up (something my sister does regularly) and reinstalling them a couple of days or weeks later. It's also less than what others have done. But I hope it can maybe convince more people that it's worth logging off or deleting the apps, even just for a time. Other people still exist and your friends will still like you. You'll probably find some new and creative ways to waste time. As always, I advise leaning on things that you enjoyed as a child. 

It's hard to put into words exactly what I enjoyed about this month, though. Was it just that I was less angry? Was it that I felt more present? Was it that I, an introvert, enjoyed a respite from the barrage of online voices and opinions thrown at me? Was it that I read more books? Was it some kind of weird superiority complex? Maybe yes to all of them.

It just occurred to me though- there's also the urgency factor. Even as someone who had most notifications off for most apps, because I hate notifications, I felt a lot of urgency to check to and respond to things on these apps. I'd open them and feel compelled to watch everyone's story just so that there wouldn't be that pseudo-notification of coloured rings around their profile pictures. I'd scroll until I was all caught up. I'd feel a need to engage with everything seriously and not just flippantly scroll past. I'd feel a need to react to and watch or read every single message someone sent to me. Nobody forced me to do this, and maybe this is a problem other people don't have, but that specifically designed UI that makes things look unfinished if you haven't done EVERYTHING... ugh. It got me so many times. This is why I am not a person who has 4876 unread emails, or more accurately, a person who does not have email notifications on on their phone. I cannot stand notifications. I cannot stand when something looks like a little to-do, especially when it's something that only takes a few seconds of my time. It's one thing when it's one, it's another thing when it's dozens upon dozens of them, with new ones throughout the day. It makes it feel like a chore to check them all. 

This isn't even some critique I have of the apps, although I know they're using it to drive engagement. It's just a particular facet of my personality that I'm sure many share while others don't. My husband never watches instagram stories. It just doesn't bug him. I have friends walking around with a bazillion unread emails while I viciously unsubscribe from future ones and delete a dozen a day just to know that I'm caught up. I cannot handle having notifications. It drives me fucking insane when I have to leave one to respond to later because I physically can't respond immediately, but I know I need the reminder. In some ways that's a good way to motivate myself, because it seems to be some way of being that I can't change about myself. It's also a good sign that I need to stay away from things that offer the same prompting and urgency with none of the importance or gravity. I honestly can't believe I hadn't thought of this before. I get anxious when I have an unread email in my school inbox- unspeakably so. OBVIOUSLY I'm less anxious with fewer notifications. It's why I had most of them turned off in the first place, and still do. My notifications are limited to: phone calls/facetime, texts or messages from other messaging-only apps, system notifications, calendar notifications (which I am fully in control of and actually represents a way I use this personality feature of mine to my advantage), notifications from the alarm app my parents have for the house, and government emergency alerts (albeit severely limited). Everything else- and I mean everything else- is turned off. If I want to check something else, I will open the app and check for myself. Because otherwise I would be stuck on my phone all day in a never ending misery spiral.

I'm actually really, really surprised I didn't think about this before. Instagram in particular was really bad for this- it wasn't just something I could use to kill time, but something I felt compelled to keep caught up on. I removed an expectation from myself. Holy shit. There's your peace piece, girl. Do not install the app again.

I can't say I'll be posting much more regularly throughout this week- I have a job interview and many other things keeping me busy coming up- but I think for now I'm going to just keep social media off and enjoy my time. Hope I convinced you to try the same.