Actually Out There, Living Life

I'd apologize for the delay, but it doesn't need that. But I do want to talk about it: I was out skiing. My husband, as per usual, went out on another trip- but this time, he stayed in an AirBnB in a small village about an hour and a half away from where we live, closer to the ski hill. A friend from further north came to join him for a few days. And they invited me. I went skiing. In March.

The skiing wasn't great; the two of us also went out to the same hill on Valentine's day and the snow was MUCH better then. That day I had no falls, but also stayed on the smallest chair; yesterday I went up a larger one with some big green runs and spent an hour getting down through some severe anxiety and fear after a particularly bad fall almost immediately after getting off the lift. My sore neck today tells me it resulted in some whiplash. It wasn't my last fall of the day either. I fell three more times, but only one involved whacking my head again, leaving me today with a dull, low-grade headache. Despite it all, though, I had fun... particularly when I was left alone to just do runs on the smaller chairlift and the easiest run on the entire mountain. Something about feeling safe enables me to focus on other aspects of what I'm doing with my feet, legs, body, arms... everything.

In anticipation of a lot of social contact on this trip, I'd planned to be a bit of a hermit on Saturday, but then of course my parents wanted to go for breakfast at one of my favourite places, and I wanted to play some gauntlet with my dad, and I had to pack up and run some errands. No time for computer work at all, hence: no post. But I'm back today. 

Unfortunately in all my living-life-not-on-my-phone-ness, I missed several notifications I'd set up for myself about an in-person teaching seminar I wanted to attend. I missed it (and I lied about being sick... but last week several people just no-showed without so much as an email, so I feel kind of morally neutral about the whole thing). I suppose that's something to keep in mind if I'm going to keep living off my phone.

Things like that actually make me wish there was more segmentation of devices. I know that's not particularly eco-friendly of me to say, but at least my parents' very old personal digital assistant devices (which we still have, but no longer charge or turn on, unfortunately) didn't have games or social media to distract you. At least my old point-and-shoot camera would just let me look at photos, I had no way to upload them from that device, or edit them, only delete them (I think- not confident on that last one). At least my iPod is only distracting if I choose to play solitaire from the clicker wheel. Devices With Only One Purpose really are something. After all, if I had a device that was only social media- not simultaneously my phone, my camera, my music and podcasts, and a way to get weather, internet, news, and games- I could probably just lock it up for a month, or leave the charger somewhere that isn't my bedroom, or purposefully leave it at home. Out of sight, out of mind. I feel like that would make it easier to make habits around.

Of course, as I type all that, it DOES occur to me that I could treat my phone like the Social Media Device and just carry around a camera and iPod (though I'd have to buy new headphones for the latter if I want to use it), and a paper calendar (which I do have, but don't really use since google calendar is so much more helpful). And my kindle, I suppose. I could start actually visiting the library to get books and carrying them around. But something about that fills me with anxiety. I want to be able to be reached. Short of carrying around a flip phone, I have to take my cell phone with me, and it's difficult to justify avoiding convenience. After all, books and devices take up space in my pockets and bag.

The other thing I'm thinking about lately is that this whole thing is easier because most of the people around me are still connected. My husband continues to send reels to my still-existing instagram account, and he shows them to me on his phone from time to time. My dad will sometimes send me a video on facebook messenger, which I can watch- but just the one he sends me. It's like instead of the algorithm out there curating the content it thinks I want to see, it's my loved ones. They generally do a better job anyway. It would feel unfair to ask this of them, but honestly, they're still on the platforms as much as they are of their own free will. Far be it from me to complain if they want to follow in my footsteps. 

And lastly- being out at the airbnb this weekend brought back a new feeling, one I hadn't experienced since high school: the social media FOMO. There were times this weekend when my husband and the others were on social media. I noticed how many times they would check it. I still find myself falling into checking my phone habits, but more I look for my news app, or I look at the weather (this is something I already did a lot before- I like to know what's coming up), or I just start reading a book on my library app. The disjointed method of reading books isn't my favourite, but it lets me read more than if I tried to make reading a purist experience, and it's a good replacement for social media in my eyes. The FOMO wasn't quite the same; I am over a decade older, with a lot of experiences in between, and have a slightly different way of processing and dealing with uncomfortable emotions. I'm also no longer in the phase of my development where I'm so hyper concerned with what others think of me (obviously I still worry about that, almost everyone does, but it's not like adolescence). 

All together I find myself reflecting on themes of convenience and efficiency. I had a whole thing written out here, but it didn't make sense. Mostly, there's the thing where removing convenience of something makes my life more efficient, but that isn't always how it is. Sometimes it's less efficient for me to have to sit around and think about what I want to do, but at least I'm asking that question now instead of doing the equivalent of writing in that answer in stone, forever. Some of the best parts of life come when you are inefficient. Some of the best thinking. In writing this post, for example, I had some thoughts on my drive home this morning, I wrote out a lot of it and erased big sections, I went and made myself lunch, I watched some unrelated videos... it's not a linear process. Other days it is sometimes better for me to do something inconvenient- leave my desk and take a walk, for example- to make things more efficient- I'll do my work faster and better than if I just sat and tried to power through it.

At the end of the day, I guess the two aren't always what I want for myself in the long run and in the grander scale of what my life is and how I want it to be. 

I'm just gonna leave that there- since I think to continue writing this post would, unfortunately, be both inefficient and inconvenient. Have a day.