Something else to fixate on

As I was reflecting on how this experiment feels now, at this juncture, I was surprised that the thought that came to my mind was "this is just normal now." I don't have that longing of "I am so bored" that I had at the start of the month, and while I still sometimes open my phone looking for instagram, I'm just used to living this way. I don't feel a sense of missing out on something anymore. I remember what I was consuming before, obviously, but I'm just like... well, that could be nice, but it comes with a lot of strings so I don't know that I want it anymore.

I like that I now sit and read books before falling asleep. I like that I read books on my phone now and spend my days reading endless substack newsletters (a LOT of which I don't agree with on many points, but I'm trying to further refine my positions and views on a number of topics). I like that I found time to work out and that I spend more time talking to my parents. I miss getting updates from my friends, who choose to do this solely through snapchat for some reason, but I can't control other people's behavior.

But it isn't fair to say that I don't miss scrolling. Something about it was pleasing to my brain for sure. I still find myself doing the digital equivalent of being on the outside looking in- watching videos my husband thinks I'll like on his phone instead of mine, getting singular videos sent to me on facebook messenger, reading tumblr blogs just on a browser without signing in, even reading twitter feeds without signing in. The rabbit holes I can go down are severely limited without the app, and a browser doesn't always remember my place and will refresh annoyingly. All of this is beyond my control outside of creating an account, which I seem to be able to stop myself from doing. I think this level of consumption is manageable, for now.

The problem remains that people are doing a lot of thinking, writing, connecting, and sharing on these platforms. I think that's all fine and good. But the endless nature of them when logged in and online is just too much for me to handle. Honestly, I think it's too much for anyone to handle. Also, when I'm on the outside looking in like this, I have to actively look at just one person's account or feed- I have to have some intention with what I'm choosing to seek out. That requires thought and effort and is self-limiting in that way, too. When I'm logged in and exposed to explore pages and feeds and popular hashtags and recommendations from friends and for you pages... I'm just being shown content the app thinks I'll be interested in. I like it better when I can engage with content I think I'll be interested in. Fuck the app.

Of course, if everyone really decided tomorrow to stop using these apps, I'd have no new content to consume. If they just shut down and stopped existing, I think it would have a massive global impact at this point. It's like fossil fuels- sure, we need to stop using them, but not cold turkey, because that would be the end times. You can't just pull out something that is this involved in almost every facet of daily life, even if you know that there is Something Better beyond it. You have to be slow and meticulous about it. And importantly, everyone has to be on board. 

When I think about a world without social media, it's hard to picture, even though it did exist for most of human history. I don't even necessarily think the idea of social media is bad per se, but not like this. Maybe that means it won't be free, that you'd have to subscribe or buy an account (and I also hate the subscription-ing of everything too, but I think it makes sense in this model). That then makes it a class thing, whereas now it's a "great equalizer" where anybody can "become an influencer" or whatever, but I think we all know those stories of getting discovered or rocketed to fame happen mostly to people who were probably mostly doing all right beforehand. Actually, that would be interesting to study and properly analyze the data on...

I guess what I'm getting at is more or less some kind of less well-thought-out and organized version of what Jaron Lanier said in the "ten arguments for deleting your social media right now" book. The way it is is not the best way it can be. Right now it sucks up your attention and makes you act poorly. It's treated like a platform to engage seriously on when really it's probably best suited for Being Silly Online ("It" here honestly stands in for any of the sites I've talked about). It's also pushing for the de-anonymization of the internet, which is alarming to me to say the least. What happened to the days of internet stranger danger when we had all those PSAs about young girls messaging some stranger they thought was Susie from one school over but was actually Bill, a creepy 54 year old sex offender? Do they not show those anymore? What happened to "the internet is forever" and "don't reveal any personal info about yourself online" and "people can say anything online, don't trust what you read there"? I feel like everyone nowadays is like "It's best if everyone has their full name and face attached to every thought they've ever had, free for anyone to consume. Don't forget to specify every important demographic fact about yourself." When I was growing up we were told to lie about ALL of that. I think that was the better way to go, if I'm being honest. 

Altogether I personally think at this point that everyone needs to take a step back from social media, especially as it is right now. I think a lot of people could benefit greatly from doing what I did here. There are a few situations where I can see it being harder than I'm making it out to be here, but generally most people are just using it for funsies and to see photos friends post. You know if I'm talking about you. Do you really need to be scrolling? Is it always the best use of your time? I didn't want to get on a soapbox about this but honestly I feel really, really good after this month and I think I'm going to continue this way for a while now. 

That's the other part I was surprised by. I feel more like myself than I have in a long, long time, now that I don't intentionally immerse myself in who everybody else is all the fucking time. When I'm bored and don't have something that purports to entertain me, I have to find a way to entertain myself. Which means I'm forced to consider what I actually like doing. It's actually really nice to be doing that personally as I'm going through some of the same thing professionally right now- considering what I actually like and enjoy and feel skilled at rather than what I "should" be doing. It's a bit of a detour in some ways and incredibly basic and expected in others, but it feels right to me, and I find it easy to become passionate about it. Great things happen when you let yourself be yourself. 

As for whether I'll continue writing this, I don't know. I have decided to cut out other stuff this year (most notably alcohol which is considerable for someone who barely drinks at all), so maybe I can talk about that, maybe I'll just keep writing whatever. It's not like I came to this with a ton of purpose, but I think it's a good writing outlet for me. It feels low-stress and manageable. So likely expect to hear more from me, but don't be surprised if I disappear.