Yesterday I found my way onto the world of youtube shorts. It was like a less algorithmically optimized version of tiktok. I only spent like maybe 20-30 minutes scrolling, but afterwards I was filled with unease. All day I had been reaching for my phone, and I felt something like an itch that couldn't be scratched. I just wanted to look at some videos for 5 fucking minutes. But the apps weren't there. I tried other things. I watched TV. I played a video game (on a real console and everything, so not just sitting at my desk... not that choosing to play video games in front of a TV is a healthier choice per se, but at least I changed locations). Nothing was working. Out of curiosity, I clicked on youtube shorts. I can't overstate the relief I felt. It's still palpable.
I don't really like that there was that sense of yearning and release associated with this. I'm not even going to try and claim that I know what addiction is like, but if I had to guess, it would be something like that except 10,000X more powerful and life destroying. I think a better word for it is habituation. My brain was wired to get dopamine from this source and when it was deprived, it searched desperately for anything. Youtube shorts was just close enough to provide that release. This sounds so fucking dramatic, oh my god, it was seriously 20 minutes of a social media challenge. I promise I am not taking it THAT seriously (it's never been that serious). I also realized later yesterday that I forgot to take synthroid in the morning, which explains why I was so FUCKING depressed last night and had so much trouble focusing yesterday. (And yes, I know the half life of synthroid is long and it shouldn't technically work that way, but it does, at least for me).
BUT. But. The idea that my brain has changed its wiring to get a reward from this kind of media consumption such that I can feel when it's lacking? THAT is troubling to me. I would never have described myself as someone who was truly troubled by my habits around these apps; I still got my work done in a (mostly) timely fashion and was always able to put it down when someone was talking to me. I could focus on work for 30-60 minutes at a time, routinely, with a little bit of concerted effort. I was keeping up with my studies and maintaining a normal sleep schedule. It was just that every other bit of time was consumed by the apps. I suspect this is at least partly because this app came out when my brain was already mostly developed, or at least out of adolescence.
This is bringing me back to the reasons why I decided to do this in the first place. If I was still maintaining a successful life and generally enjoying myself, why stop? Well... I just got the feeling after a while that this was usurping my whole life. I've said before in these entries that the intent was never to stop wasting time, since I'll always do that, but to waste it in more interesting ways. To let my brain be bored. To force it to get used to just doing things instead of scrolling for sometimes an HOUR in my car before I go in somewhere (god I cannot tell you how much I hate that I do that). To maybe free up a little time in my day to get the dishes done, take the garbage out, cook some real food, actually watch movies and TV I like, or read more, work on crafts, or play games. I stopped doing a lot of these things because social media and short form content was just an easier dopamine hit.
When I think about what I want my life to look like and the things I want to do with my time, the idea that I spent all my free time watching other people do things or talk about things in 15 second-3 minute increments online is not exactly what I want. I've never been the type of person to strive for glory, fame, etc, I've always just wanted a simple, enjoyable, sustainable life. To work enough to live, to enjoy vacation time, to learn new things, see people I love and spend time with them, to enjoy good food, etc. Just generally to enjoy my life on earth. Not to spend it sitting in front of a screen (she says, sitting in front of a screen). Even just doing this feels better in some deeper, more enriching way. At least I'm producing something. Honing a skill or something. Using different neural connections. Rubbing my neurons together in a DIFFERENT way... because as I learned during my comprehensive exam (and kind of already knew), we don't get any new brain cells. You actually just get fewer as you age. BUT the brain remains plastic. I can't have a fulfilling life full of interesting things if I'm always on that damn phone.
Maybe I can think of it as some kind of harm reduction-equivalent (again. I don't think this is the same as a real addiction. But I don't have other language for it yet). The urge is a lot less today, which is nice, although it's probably at least partly because of the fact that I took my fucking medication this morning and my brain and body has energy to like, do stuff again. Not that I'm really doing stuff. I played video games this morning after having to get up early to let the dogs out, and honestly, it was kind of nice to use that early morning time for something fun and engaging (when the game glitched I had a natural end point). I'd go for a walk but GOD is it cold outside and I just don't want to deal. I miss the summer so bad. I had a dream about it the other night. And I NEVER thought I'd be the kind of person to say that. I mean, I don't miss the bugs, I don't miss that time we had a heat dome (you ever wonder what it's like to be inside an oven? I don't have to wonder since summer 2021), but I miss sitting outside on a warm summer evening, I miss being in fresh water when it's hot out (I think my goal this summer is to sit in more creeks, streams, and rivers) (anyone who knows me IRL will know how much I talk about this incessantly), I miss not having to wear a goddamn jacket and mitts and a toque and scarf everywhere (despite owning a grand total of two pairs of shorts, neither of which fit very well). I miss rainstorms. I could go on. I am just stuck in the loop of missing summer now. But you know, come August, I will be writing about how I miss winter.
There IS a lot to love. Okay, let's see if I can make this work. ummm... I do love the dark. I miss the dark when it's gone. Summer is so light all the time, there's not a lot of good quality darkness to enjoy. I love the way snow looks. I love how quiet it is. I love reading in front of the fire, and lord knows I have more than enough cozy sweaters. It's easier to go to the lab because I have to wear pants and closed toed shoes in there anyway. I love a good stew, a good soup, a good roasted vegetable. And on occasion, I'll even enjoy skiing (in either form, apparently. Suddenly I remembered how to downhill ski. Third time's the charm, I guess, even if it's the third time in 6 years). And skating. I never do enough of it. It's the winter equivalent of swimming, for me. I really am all about bodies of water in any season. I love me a good stream. A quality lake. Any time of year.
I think I might be dehydrated, actually.
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