Me & Fitness

 One of the things I've done this month with all this extra time I suddenly have is, once again, dip my toes back in the workout pool. That's a metaphor- I don't actually swim for workouts, though I probably should as I love it- I'm just... you know. Trying to be regular with things again.

The last time I had any kind of regular fitness routine was honestly probably high school gym class, and even then the last time I felt like gym class was a good and fair workout was the time in the eighth grade we played lacrosse separated by sex (so girls played the girls, and boys vs boys- I maintain that all gym classes should be separated by sex after like, grade 7, because in that one class it became clear to me that the difference in ability between me and an athletic girl my age was far less than between me and a non-athletic boy my age. But I digress). The point is- I'm not particularly athletic.

That didn't matter for a long time. I was young, and more importantly, I was thin. I don't say this to say that I was healthy back then, just that nobody EVER got on my case about working out when I had a BMI of 20 or whatever. That did not last. I've talked before in bits and pieces on here about my weight gain, but suffice it to say it has been a LOT, fuelled partly by depression, partly by two years of undiagnosed and untreated hypothyroidism, and I suspect partly by birth control, despite what my doctor said (I've yet to meet a woman of any age who didn't gain weight on birth control, but there could be some confounding factors in that). 

Around 2017, when I was 22, I started my intuitive eating journey and brought myself to a much more neutral, better, functional place with food. I think of food now mostly in terms of sweet vs savory, and in terms of carbs, fat, protein, and fibre. I don't think about how "good" or "bad" it is except in terms of freshness and expiry. I think about things like taste, satiety, and energy. It's nice. I think being able to focus on what I enjoy and what I need from my food allows me to approach it in a better way. I feel a lot more peace around it and don't feel so out of control, and foods that were once overwhelming to me and that I felt an urge to eat until I was sick are now things I can just leave lying around for MONTHS. I have no regrets.

Fitness and exercise are the one thing I can't seem to figure out for myself. That's the place I'm at now. I'm the slowest, fattest one much of the time (I use the term fat here neutrally, by the way- I have more fat than others. My body is larger. Whatever you want to say). I tell people I am a slow hiker and they assure me they are too- only to outpace me dramatically once we actually get there. When I say I am slow, I am not kidding. I am the slowest hiker most people have ever met. Before I got on synthroid, I had next to no energy, weirdly no appetite, and a slow, never-ending weight creep (among other things). By the time I was diagnosed I had foot pain so bad I could not bear to walk for more than half an hour, and was sleeping 10 hours a night (I physically could not get up before 10 hours had passed). The foot pain wasn't from my weight. It was from my foot muscles slowly atrophying, crying out for energy my body could not deliver because it was too busy attacking my thyroid for no goddamn reason. The reason I know this is that I haven't lost much weight at all on synthroid, but my foot pain is completely gone. 

Recently, I discovered that the muscle atrophy was not just limited to my feet. My core is completely decimated. I have back pain all the time and my hips are tense and sore. I have shin splints from the way my body is trying to move around all the time. But this was kind of a gift- it gave me a fitness goal. Before, all my attempts were just sort of "guess I'll do this" until it no longer seemed necessary. But now, with every core workout I do, my back pain is just a little better, my posture just a little taller. There's an Improvement that I can see that pushes me to do more. It's nice.

I have tried to do fitness in the past since the days of high school gym class ended. In high school I started taking TRX at a family friend's gym. I liked her gentle approach, and I need the action hours for CAS for my IB program. In university, I didn't have time for much- I tried to take a TRX class once, and it got cancelled due to low enrollment. We were told to attend the other session- the one offered during my night class. Night classes also prevented me from joining the dance team, since their fucking tryouts were always only one day a week and ALWAYS the day I had a night class. I did take up swing dancing for a while, and that shit is surprisingly good cardio, and around then I started climbing stairs in the education building with my now-husband. I had really good quads for a while. But the semester ended.

One summer I biked to work daily until the abuse from my commute and the poor behavior of other riders finally just convinced me to take the bus (that and it rained all August). The summer after I did that, the city put dedicated bike lanes on the same fucking path I'd been taking. For a while during my unplanned year off, I attended a gym twice a week- I even did some small group classes with a trainer and saw some progress. But then I got into grad school, and the gym (which was women-only, and I miss that) didn't have a location in the city I live in now. I took a kickboxing class with two friends at the start of grad school, but I didn't enjoy it much, and at one point near the end of the class I got so dizzy I had to sit down (something I find happens to me often with high-intensity cardio). I was also the slowest, fattest one in that class. Shortly after, in the beginning of 2020, I decided that was the year I'd get fit and started taking two gym classes a week at the same gym I'd gone to in high school. And, well, we all saw what happened in 2020. Attempts to go back in 2021 and 2022 were thwarted by a chaotic schedule, both personally and with regard to lockdowns and reopens. In all of those classes I was also the worst one.

I mention the slowest, fattest thing because this has been the thing standing in my way so much. People who are of average fitness truly do not understand how fucking discouraging it is to know you are the worst one there. To see that you are the only one taking the modified poses or moves, the only one that can't quite make it through the dedicated time of the move, the only one who has to sit up in pilates class and ask for a different spring set for certain exercises because even the easy move offered in the beginner class is too much for you. Two summers ago, I went camping with my now-husband and my sister and her friend, and on a hike, my husband insisted I set the pace. I eventually let my sister and her friend go ahead, and had to explain to my husband through tears that it was mortifying to be at the front, red in the face, exhausted, huffing and puffing, while I could hear everyone behind me was just enjoying a walk. The shame of it all was too much. This was after I'd spent a few months in the winter doing 10 minutes of the elliptical every morning before spring busyness removed my energy for it.

Writing it all out like this, the one thing I can see is that I am nothing if not persistent. I will not give up. I keep trying, all the time, knowing that this is important for me. I just want to acknowledge how tired I am, how hard this all is. It is hard to never be the best one, it is hard to feel as though you never have a talent, it is hard after all this NOT to feel like I am just not athletic and should give it up. Engaging in "intellectual" pursuits comes easier to me. For a while, I thought this might be genetic, but looking at my parents' histories, this just isn't the case.

My mom ran constantly until she had my sister and I- even then sometimes, out with the stroller and the dog. She did cross country in high school, well enough to compete. She ran races. She ran all the time, until life got really busy. My dad was on the football team in high school (though he insists he was fat, and I can see this insecurity hasn't really faded in him). He played very minor-league hockey through medical school, and was even ski patrol a few winters at nearby hills. He can still skate laps around me, despite a back injury that means he can't do any of it at a very high level anymore. My parents also put me and my sister in dance classes until I was in the 9th grade, and that was very athletic. Most nights a week, I was doing exercise. Sometime around high school, that stopped for me, and by this point my parents had become very unathletic. Today that is largely because of age and other health concerns, but my parents were both somewhat active people back in their day. So why am I not?

I don't have an answer. I don't even have a guess at an answer right now. I'm frustrated by that. In studies of athletic ability, they find these things are more related to genetics than anything else- so if your sibling or parent is good at some activity, it's more likely that you will be too, and vice versa. I've never been exceptionally gifted at skating, skiing (my neck is still sore from whiplash from a skiing fall literally this past weekend), or running. 

Maybe it's that I'm looking for something I'm naturally good at rather than something I enjoy. I know people say that all the time- that the best activity is the one you'll keep doing. I think they are leaving something out- the best activity is the one you'll keep doing regularly, despite your relative skill. It's the one that fits into your schedule and your budget, the one you have access to. 

Two things stick out from what I just said upon some quiet contemplation. One, I am being too perfectionistic about all of this. Doing any exercise poorly and being the absolute fucking worst at it forever is better for me than never doing it at all because I can't do it well. It is also highly unlikely that I will find some magical form of exercise that is pure fun and just magically fits into my life at all points in time. Also- my "once every few days I guess" current attitude towards beginners pilates videos is SOMETHING, and I need to count it. Two, I have not even remotely tried all of the things I might like, not on a serious level. Those roller skates in the garage still fit me. I still have access to the university pool. I have climbing shoes I bought, and I go to the bouldering gym literally as often as my husband. I've been skiing TWICE this winter, despite living 1.5 hours away from a decent ski hill. I also completely left out my old walking commute from undergrad, which probably did a lot more heavy lifting than I gave it credit for (and is something I sorely miss). But hey- lockdowns are over. You can try out the gymnastics place. Maybe trampolines will do it for me. Maybe swimming will do it for me. Maybe I can get into roller skating now that it probably won't result in 8/10 foot pain anymore. 

I'm tempted not to post this. But I'm noticing a trend lately where I will write posts and not post them. So here goes nothing.