I've done it! I've proved my own point! The type of content I take in is likely to make me think I should also make that type of content. I haven't had the urge to film myself ranting about something for a while. Now, of course, since I've been reading a lot of substack newsletters (subscribing for free, of course... I live in my parents' basement for a financial reason), and I just came upon one that has a very ... let's say casual style, similar to this blog. It almost makes me think I should write one. But like.. about WHAT? I can't justify charging people money for that, but it is appealing to think that alllll the posts I've made in the last month could have netted me a whopping $8, or whatever that $8USD would be after substack took its cut and I paid income tax (which I'd get back later because surprise surprise, you don't actually pay income tax when your income is about $5000CAD/year. Grad school is great, guys, you should go for real). But I digress. I probably won't make a substack because you have to like, have a theme for that, and allow comments, and the idea of all this ending up in someone's email inbox is just too personal. The idea of this being in someone's news aggregator (something I just learned about this week) is funnier. Enjoy this update, you.
But the post for today, continuing on my journey of social media, is thus: I'm kind of unsatisfied. I think it's still that loss of easy dopamine. Even youtube shorts don't cut it; they're not very interesting and the fast-paced style is now kind of aggravating to me. The algorithm they have has NOTHING on tiktok. I have found more time for reading, which is great. But maybe I'm reading too much nonfiction and it's too hard on my mind. Maybe I need to read some fiction. Something fun and easy. A little closer to the dopamine boost without the same ill-effects, since I'm far more likely to learn a little something, even just about writing style or worldbuilding.
And in any case, it's not like I didn't feel like this before. As much as I purport to like staying at home all the time, it does kind of get old. Without some pressing deadline to motivate my work as there was last summer during my comprehensive exam, I'm kind of aimless. I'm waiting for my supervisor to bother some technicians I don't know and have never met about a particular kind of analysis I need done for future experiments. I have some data analysis to do and to send to my supervisor and other people involved with my project. That's kind of all I can do for today. That, maybe another core workout, and cleaning my office a bit. Otherwise I'm just... sitting in front of my computer all day.
I think part of it is once again this trap of being In My Parents' House, where I don't really feel like I can be in public areas doing what I want. When I'm here alone, I spend a lot more time in the kitchen, the living room, the dining room, I spend time reading by the fireplace and cooking and baking. When I'm not here alone (funny that there is no opposite word there, to say "not alone." I have to say the whole phrase, there isn't some word that fills that purpose. Anyway), I spend a lot of time downstairs or in the office. Or I leave.
The problem is that I don't really want to be anywhere else today. I mean sure, it would be fun to go downtown and look into all those cute little shops for plants and books and witchy herbs and things, but that's more fun with a friend, and everyone is working today. I could say fuck it and just play sims all day, but that feels irresponsible. I could be responsible and get all my work done and then be able to just play sims all day minus the fuck it attitude, but of course I'm not doing that. It's no fun and I need fun.
Tiktok pundits here may say I sound like I have ADHD. I don't, but thank you for your concern. I say this only because I can recognize that my brain fundamentally needs some Fun Juice to feel satisfied enough to do work, during which my brain consumes Fun Juice to output productivity and make complex decisions. So I need the Fun Juice first is what I'm saying, or else I'm going to be really thirsty later. For juice. Once again, my predilection for metaphor has revealed the limits of metaphor.
Just now I almost did it! I almost clicked away! Oooh, curse you, social media, for hardwiring me to be unable to just get in the zone. Shit like this is why I don't want to go back.
The other thing is like. I find myself every day with a kind of hollow ache, wondering what random people are up to. What about that person from high school or undergrad? How is their day going? What's up in their life? Boy would I like to see. When it comes to friends I see regularly, I don't long for it as much: I know I'd get a meaningful and thoughtful update if I chose to have brunch with them this weekend. Or if I texted or called them. They're right there, always accessible, often offering me information without me having to ask. Social media for them is kind of silly, since watching someone's instagram story of their baby sitting up does not even remotely hold the same gravity as visiting and seeing that baby do that. That baby! That I knew as a crying lump! Can sit!!!! Or seeing my other friend's highlighter-pink hair in person (and watching other friend's baby stare at it in awe, visual cortex adjusting to make sure it has room for this particular hue). It's just not the same online. And ironically, my friends who live far away already don't post that many social media updates.
I have also gotten feedback that I should have told people I was going off social media. Ironically, this is from the friends I saw in person last weekend. But I've seen other friends do that, and seen them fail to follow through, and saw how sanctimonious, silly, and self-important they looked as a result. Do I really think that people need to know that I'm not there anymore? But now that I think about it, that's kind of dark. How much do I really matter to those acquaintances from high school or undergrad or wherever if not announcing my absence from the app means nothing to them? There's some thread of a good idea in here that I can't quite express as eloquently as I want to at the moment.
At this point I no longer catch myself reaching for my phone to specifically open instagram or tiktok, so I know my brain has gotten used to their absence. It's accepted they aren't there and it isn't going to get that stimulation. It's learned new pathways now: the Libby app, the Kindle app, the CBC news app. Often the browser as well, to google some concept in a book that I don't fully understand. Or Signal, since it's encrypted and I like the note to self feature quite a bit. The fact that it took something like two weeks to do that REALLY makes me not want to go back.
I don't feel like my life is lacking anything of substance because of my absence. I see people I care about. I find information about topics I care about. I engage with the world. If I want to know what ice cream flavors the local ice cream place has, I have to actually go there and see (I can't even call them because they're so newfangled and millenial that they don't have a business phone number). I don't feel like I'm a new person or anything.
The other thing I'm wondering about is how common this social media absence thing really is. It's ironically almost impossible to measure, and it can't become a trend on social media pretty much by definition. But I see lots of people on the social features of my "I am sober" app talking about being sober from social media. Now of course I have to do what I don't want to do but need to learn to do online: wonder if they are lying, since I have no way to verify their claims. But if I believe them... this absence thing is more common than I thought.
I still long to be that girl who says she has no social media accounts and can focus on homework and get it done in a reasonable amount of time. But there I go again! Assuming she isn't lying! Why does everyone LIE so much that I have to learn to do this? Argh.
The only thing I can say is I promise I'm not lying here, but I can't make you believe me.You're just going to have to take my word for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment
comment-type-thingies