Well, this still fucking sucks

My default state is having a crush on someone. It has been since the 7th grade. It's annoying, yeah, but I kind of like it. Keeps me alive or something like that.

I've told ptarckas about it (not specifically who, because I didn't think that was wise) and he seemed... weirdly ok with it. I think I may have been a little hard on myself for having emotions.

My strategy for all my boy problems as of late is currently to just let the chips fall where they may, and not try to find a solution. That isn't exactly working, but I have stopped obsessing over everything, which is nice because it allows me to focus on other things, like making friends at work and doing tissue culture stuff correctly and not fucking up the gels. There's also an opportunity for me to get my name on a paper now if I do some westerns well enough, which is very, very exciting.

Anyway. I do have one. A crush, I mean. Which is a good description, because it's a very shallow, superficial thing, and also it's hard to really like someone when you never actually see them in person. But that doesn't mean it's gone away entirely. Definitely has mellowed, which is good, because seeing them in person was starting to make my heartbeat do funny things, and I was like "k, you need to chill" but that is kind of hard to do with emotions. Unfortunately, I am also very far away from Ptarckas now, which means I can't attempt to get over this stupid thing by focusing on other things.

Of course, I am getting weird about it, and I'm sure they can probably tell by now (I am very unsubtle), but I can't bring it up because it would majorly fuck up a lot of things. But it just sucks, because the feelings of INSECURITY have crept in. Of course they don't like me. Not that way, anyway. I'm lame, I never do anything fun. They have their own life. Probably other girls to flirt with. It's stupid, because none of it matters anyway, because I have a fucking boyfriend who is seriously the best boyfriend ever.

We are having our own problems, but somehow my brain has managed to neatly separate the two issues. There's whatever is going on between Ptarckas and me, and there's these stupid emotions in here in the corner. I like that, because it makes everything easier to think about, and when I get tired of obsessing over one problem in the car, I can just switch to the other one (or start singing beyonce really loudly, but that doesn't always help) ("Rocket" in particular tends to not help either case) (if you choose to listen to it, be forewarned that it is Very About Sex) (QUIT JUDGING ME, I CAN FEEL YOU JUDGING ME).

And then tonight I caught another wave of sad like last summer, because I was sitting with my parents watching movies and the people I usually talk to are either out working, out partying, or out of the fucking country. And I just felt super lame, and caged in, and sad, and it was awful. I thought about how ridiculous it was, because that is what I do at university all the time, sit in my room and do nothing, because I'm too scared to have any adventures because what if something goes wrong or we end up wasting a bunch of money or we get into trouble? Also because by the time I'm finished doing hw, it's dark and cold outside, so I don't really have any incentive to leave.

But I realized the reason I was sitting with my parents watching Footloose was that that's what I've always done. That's how I grew up, watching TV and eating dinner and just in general hanging out with my parents. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, except that I didn't really want to be doing it in this case and it was making me powerfully lonely. Who the fuck hangs out with their parents?

I'll end up being forced to hang out with them a lot this weekend, too, like basically the whole weekend (mother's day is the one thing I won't complain about, because of course I should be hanging out with my parents on mother's day, duh). I don't know why the prospect of staying here makes this weekend any more appealing. I think it's because I don't have to be on, you know? I don't have to put on a face and actual clothes and act like a normal person in public.

Maybe it's not this city. Maybe it's just this house. It was fine being here when I spent all day with my friends at school and home was where I got fed and had a warm bed and people who loved me. That's all still true, except I don't hang out with my friends at work (not that the people at work aren't nice, but I'm still in the getting-to-know-them-phase). I feel like I should have gone out more as a teenager. Now I'm too used to staying in and letting the knot in my back slowly drive me to insanity while I watch mind-numbingly boring movies with people who go to bed at 9 PM on a regular basis because they are older than me.

I don't know. I just got bored, and sad, and lonely. I wanted to go outside, go for a walk, go ride my bike, go for a drive, anything. I want to hang out with friends more this summer.

I just... I can't let this summer turn into last summer. I can't let that happen again. I blew people off and let myself be emotionally exhausted by work and the endless heat that I had to endure in long pants and shoes because that's lab attire. Last summer was way less fun that it could have been, and all I really remember was that at the end I was working out and going for bike rides and starting to realize that hanging out with friends were good ideas because they were the only times I didn't feel like crying.

Anyway, now it's almost midnight, and I'm miserable because my boyfriend is far away and I feel unworthy of the guy I have a crush on (which, I know, is absolutely fucking ridiculous) and I have to go on a long drive tomorrow and because my fucking back needs to fucking stop with this knot oh my god.

Oh well. I'll live. I always do.

yer pal,
swegan