I AM SO SICK OF WEARING PANTS

And by that I mean I would much rather be wearing skirts and shorts and capris and dresses but I fucking can't because IT'S STILL WINTER

WHY IS IT STILL WINTER

Oh, that's right, I moved FURTHER NORTH than I already was to go to uni. Smart thinking, past swegan. Real smart.

But I just

So last night I realized about 10:30 that I really wanted some grapes. Like really, really badly. That and chocolate. It seems PMS symptoms have developed in me over time, as this never used to be an issue. Every month now, I get a new ailment. First it was acne. Then bloating. Then more bloating. Then overheating. And now the cravings are bad. Seriously, it's like my uterus is really pissed off and it's like "YOU'RE-" (acne worsens) "-NOT-" (bloating and cravings) "-PREGNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!" and then suddenly my period arrives and the bloating disappears and the cravings go away and... well, my acne kind of moves in for the week, although I guess I'm lucky because it's really very mild. I also just like to imagine my uterus as really mad that it can't fulfill its sole purpose. Sorry, uterus, I have more important things to do. Like, y'know, finish school and get a job and get married, in that order.

Anyway, so I realized at about like 10:30 that I wanted some grapes and chocolate and so I went to safeway intending to buy grapes and this bag of small mars bars that I had seen on sale with a club card. Of course, on my way towards the other end of the store after picking up the grapes (which were hella delish, might I say) I passed by the bakery section, and they had trays of baked goods there.

I don't know if I've said this before, but I have a huge love for nanaimo bars. They're just the fucking best, and the only Christmas goodie that can top them (yes, they have been topped) are Hello Dollies, which are probably a more common recipe but we use the one in the book my grandma gave my dad and it's like a cookie-crumb-crust on the bottom, and then layers of chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, evaporated milk, sweetened coconut, and walnuts. They are seriously rich and also one of the most delicious things ever.

Jesus, it's 1:20. I need to eat something. I'll be back soon.

~

Anyway, so I bought the nanaimo bars and the grapes and came home and was so happy that nobody was there to say swegan maybe you shouldn't be buying nanaimo bars or spending money on extra food at all and it was just me, happy with my purchases, walking along down the street without a care.

And on the way TO safeway, I had realized that it was actually pretty warm out and I thought it smelled like spring, or at least like the opposite of winter, the smell of dying snow and soggy dirt and birdsong, but on the way home I realized no, it didn't just smell like spring.

It smelled like summer.

There was an unmistakable scent to the air that made me think of last year at the Relay for Life, when I got up to walk laps at 3 AM and the grass was wet and it was chilly but not cold and it smelled like summer. Or the time last summer when I went to watch a meteor shower at 3 AM and got outside to find heavy cloud cover, but stayed outside anyway to listen to the purest silence I've ever heard and smell the night air, deep and ominous. It reminds me of all the summers in the backyard spent around the fire, of all the summers when I'd leave my window open and smell the breeze come into my room. It smelled like the air when we were out at the cabin building a campfire, when we'd go watch fireworks on Canada day on the boat on the lake where my grandparents live. It reminded me of every summer night I've ever experienced. All the meteors I'd counted, mosquito bites I'd gotten, glowsticks I'd used up, marshmallows I'd roasted, stars I'd seen. There's something very magical about summer, even when it's not midday and blinding heat. There's magic in even the cloudy, gray days, in the days where it rains and everything cools off, in the days when it's mild out and I water the plants anyway, watching the tomatoes grow. Summer.

I miss summer a lot, in case you couldn't tell, and I always vow to make the most of summers when they roll around, only to spend them working in a lab and being too tired when I get home to think of doing anything but watching TV with my sister. That's part of why I don't really want to get a job. I want to spend the summer doing summer. I want to be busy all day but doing things like reading bad romance novels at the library or eating ice cream with Artifex or teaching Vince how to ride a bike (I promised her we'd do that this summer) or having water gun fights at which I inevitably lose or taking pictures of Freckles and her friend as they do cartwheels in the park or going to the mall with Zoey and Marissa and buying nothing but food or just sleeping in, waking up when I want to, eating when I want to, dressing how I want to... I just want a break. I want to not be responsible for anything. I don't want to wake up at 8 to get to a job at 9 to work until 5. That's probably part of why I've procrastinated on applying for jobs, because I'm lucky enough not to need one and lazy enough not to want one.

But I'll apply anyway because it's money and experience I should probably be getting, and speaking of which, I need to pass my finals so I should resume studying for those again. And despite my passionate longing for summer, English is canceled tomorrow so I'll be going skating thanks to my three hour break and drop-in skating being at the perfect time

Anyway. Work. Yes

yer pal,
swegan