DON'T. READ. THEM.
Every so often, I get a notification from an old comment thread I posted on long ago. This week, it was the assbutt who decided that eugenics was "totally cool" and a great way to go. I have read enough historical feminist literature to know that it is not. Eugenics as a movement is strongly rooted in white supremacy and general racism, as well as classism and ableism. It is not something I can support, nor will I ever. However, this issue is less touchy to me, so hopefully in this post I come across more thoughtful and less angry and bitter.
Eugenics bothers me because I like to speculate about the kind of social conditions it would create. There's enough discriminatory systems in place that privilege certain people and put others at a disadvantage, and I think that that's ridiculous and I don't want to add another one. Putting into place a system where only some people can have children and others can't is just going to create that. People with the ability will feel superior, people without it will inevitably get bitter and jaded.
Not to mention people who are deemed "OK to have kids" by the government or whatever, who don't want kids. Wouldn't they feel immense social pressure to "take advantage of this opportunity" or something? Or worse, "do it for the greater good"? Plus, just because someone's genes are sound doesn't mean they would be a good parent. "So let good parents who can't have kids adopt." Okay, but if you're really talking about limiting the gene pool, there might not be very many kids TO adopt. Depends on how many limits you place. Also, how do you determine who would make good parents? Does that factor in at all? Don't children deemed genetically OK deserve to have a good childhood, too?
Then there's the issue of sexual assault. Someone who isn't OKed who gets assaulted could easily face even more backlash than many survivors/victims (whatever they want to call themselves) already do. Plus, there could also be instances of the reverse, of getting people into horrible trouble by saying that they have gotten you pregnant not only against your will, but against the wishes of the government (cue the dramatic gasps and an old lady saying "heaven forbid!").
And of course, the big issue of science. I'm studying genetics, but I'm very very very early on, so I understand very little, But to the best of my knowledge, science is far from knowing how genes affect every disease. Plus, if you're aiming for a perfect human genome, what does that even LOOK like? And not to mention we don't know the full extent of the effects every single thing we're exposed to in our environment has on us. Random mutations happen! This is how skin cancer happens! This is how other cancers can happen! To quote my 100-level biology prof, "if you live long enough, at some point you will get cancer and die." The longer you're around, the greater the chance of a mutation. (This isn't meant to be insensitive to people who have cancer, have had cancer, or who have lost someone/know someone to/with cancer. Cancer is really devastating and I don't mean to trivialize it). My point is, though- how can you select for which people have the best genomes if you don't know what the best genomes might be? Plus, is there ANYONE out there who truly has a clean genome? I'm going to say that it's safe to assume that everyone has a genetic predisposition for SOMEthing, even if they/we don't know it (yet).
I also have selfish reasons, given the fact that if these policies had existed long before me, my parents probably wouldn't have even thought about kids at all, and if they were to be implemented now, I'm pretty sure I've got enough family history of Nope to disqualify myself. I don't even know that I want kids, but it's one thing to not have kids because you don't want them and to not have kids because you're not allowed to.
As for the history of eugenics, this is, as I said, a movement deeply rooted in racism. Especially in Canada, where there's a big history of forcibly sterilizing Native people and disabled people against their will, which is beyond morally wrong on so many levels.
For my general point: for this youtube commenter to say that "eugenics is a good idea, go ahead and hate all you want, you probably prove my point hahahahaha" (so hilarious you guys) shows a complete lack of contemplation of the moral issues behind eugenics, as well as its incredibly discriminatory history rooted in racism, classism, and ableism.
Eugenics is not a system that I support, and it never will be.
yer pal,
swegan
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
I'm still not sorry
I did come across very angrily in that post, and that's because the anti-choice group on campus upset me. They brought graphic images onto quad (a central area of campus that is impossible to avoid), which violates the student code in multiple ways, and the university allowed it. To make matters worse- this happened during pride week, thus taking attention away from a really important event. So there was a counter-protest, and it was full of positivity, pride flags, and "I support you" posters. We even had some anti-choicers &/or christians in the group because they thought the graphic display was THAT inappropriate. And it was, and the president of the group cried about how we were engaging in a criminal act- which, we absolutely were not. This group has tried to make themselves into innocent victims all year and the students are just having none of it and it makes me SO PROUD.
This group has, to date,
1) Used LGBT terminology to push their message (prompting messages that said using that terminology to block access to medical care wasn't okay)
2) Put inflammatory messages ("I REGRET MY ABORTION: abortion does hurt women" instead of, you know, abortion CAN hurt women, because yeah, they can regret it, especially if the anti-choice people around them try to make them feel guilty....) on their posters
3) Violated the poster guidelines by
a) putting more than one poster per event on each board, and
b) posting on private boards (e.g. some in biosci which are for the use of people working there ONLY)
4) Violated the student code of conduct by
a) disseminating malicious material (posters, as well as pamphlets which said "pro choice" and "reproductive justice" on the front and were then full of those horrible fake abortion images on the inside-- no trigger warnings for those!)
b) creating an unsafe space (discriminating against women who have had an abortion, are considering one, or who have miscarried, or people who are just sensitive to gore) (not to mention the pride parade went THROUGH quad, so if not for the counter protest, the parade (which has children in it) would have had to see those images)
The group is saying that we are obstructing their right to free speech. We say no, we had every right to be there, as much as they did. As for being inflammatory ourselves, you want to know what my sign said? It said "I SUPPORT YOU" with hearts on it, along with a pride flag with the words "HAPPY PRIDE WEEK" below it. Intimidating and scary, I know.
The other thing this group is complaining about is that "people need to confront the truth" and then they proceed to put up images of what abortion doesn't look like. You can't force people to confront difficult issues- you can't. Furthermore, you can't create an unsafe work/study environment that prevents the full participation of everyone by placing gory, triggering images in the most central area of school.
Also, if they want to "confront the truth" in this manner, I could bring in some pictures of perforated uteruses for them to look at, because that's what happens when you criminalize abortion.
Things I do not like that the pro-choice group has done
1) Tore down the posters
Things I like that the pro-choice group has done
1) Put up response posters next to all the anti-choice ones (a MUCH better idea IMO)
2) Protested to make campus a safe space for all
3) Allowed the pride parade to proceed through quad safely
4) Warned people about the misleading pamphlets
5) Written the dean in vast numbers to complain that this display is a total violation of the student code of conduct
6) Showed that our campus is one of support, choice, and CORRECT sexual health information that will allow women to make whatever choice about their bodies they feel is best- whether that is abortion, adoption, or parenthood, all of which are equally acceptable and OK
To be clear: this group has every right to exist on campus, as much as that bothers me. They can have their events, have meetings, discuss this issue if they want. That's great. But the difference between their other events and this one is that this one required a trigger warning, which should kind of mean that the display shouldn't be public in the first place if I'm not mistaken.
But what really pisses me off is the university administration's response. They've been totally useless chickenshits and I am beyond disappointed with them for not telling this group to do one of the following:
1) Have their event, but without graphic images and harassing slogans
2) Have their event, but in a tent or classroom where people can consent to seeing the images
3) Most importantly, MOVE THE EVENT SO IT ISN'T DURING PRIDE WEEK. They said they just "didn't know" despite the fact that pride week is the same week every year and a fairly well advertised event on campus... I'm gonna call bullshit on that one.
And at the end of the day, what matters is that every woman can make the choice for herself. Any anti-choice/pro-life woman facing an unwanted pregnancy should feel like she can get help raising the child (childcare! housing! help out of abuse situations!) or feel like giving it up for adoption truly will mean a better life for that child. I absolutely support the right of women to have their children and raise them or give them up for adoption. These are both great choices! But so is abortion, for some women. Some women have issues that mean pregnancy would be incredibly dangerous- even more so than pregnancy already is (pregnancy is seriously incredibly dangerous, don't even get me started on childbirth), and sometimes, things happen that mean the fetus wouldn't survive long outside the womb or the woman won't survive the pregnancy (ectopic pregnancy, for example). Because of these examples and the simple fact of bodily autonomy and control (we don't FORCE people to donate blood or organs, even after they are DEAD), abortion needs to be safe and legal, regardless of whether you would choose it for yourself or not. At the end of the day, it is not your place to make decisions about anyone's body except your own. Your body belongs to you, but only your body.
All in all: I'm not sorry for having the opinion I do, even though it might put me at risk since anti-choice groups have been known to murder people before, despite calling themselves pro-"life." I think my opinion is well supported by facts and evidence, as well as on philosophical and moral grounds. I am pro choice, and proudly so. Women should have choices and be supported no matter what choice they make, and nobody should be pregnant when they don't want to be.
yer pal,
swegan.
This group has, to date,
1) Used LGBT terminology to push their message (prompting messages that said using that terminology to block access to medical care wasn't okay)
2) Put inflammatory messages ("I REGRET MY ABORTION: abortion does hurt women" instead of, you know, abortion CAN hurt women, because yeah, they can regret it, especially if the anti-choice people around them try to make them feel guilty....) on their posters
3) Violated the poster guidelines by
a) putting more than one poster per event on each board, and
b) posting on private boards (e.g. some in biosci which are for the use of people working there ONLY)
4) Violated the student code of conduct by
a) disseminating malicious material (posters, as well as pamphlets which said "pro choice" and "reproductive justice" on the front and were then full of those horrible fake abortion images on the inside-- no trigger warnings for those!)
b) creating an unsafe space (discriminating against women who have had an abortion, are considering one, or who have miscarried, or people who are just sensitive to gore) (not to mention the pride parade went THROUGH quad, so if not for the counter protest, the parade (which has children in it) would have had to see those images)
The group is saying that we are obstructing their right to free speech. We say no, we had every right to be there, as much as they did. As for being inflammatory ourselves, you want to know what my sign said? It said "I SUPPORT YOU" with hearts on it, along with a pride flag with the words "HAPPY PRIDE WEEK" below it. Intimidating and scary, I know.
The other thing this group is complaining about is that "people need to confront the truth" and then they proceed to put up images of what abortion doesn't look like. You can't force people to confront difficult issues- you can't. Furthermore, you can't create an unsafe work/study environment that prevents the full participation of everyone by placing gory, triggering images in the most central area of school.
Also, if they want to "confront the truth" in this manner, I could bring in some pictures of perforated uteruses for them to look at, because that's what happens when you criminalize abortion.
Things I do not like that the pro-choice group has done
1) Tore down the posters
Things I like that the pro-choice group has done
1) Put up response posters next to all the anti-choice ones (a MUCH better idea IMO)
2) Protested to make campus a safe space for all
3) Allowed the pride parade to proceed through quad safely
4) Warned people about the misleading pamphlets
5) Written the dean in vast numbers to complain that this display is a total violation of the student code of conduct
6) Showed that our campus is one of support, choice, and CORRECT sexual health information that will allow women to make whatever choice about their bodies they feel is best- whether that is abortion, adoption, or parenthood, all of which are equally acceptable and OK
To be clear: this group has every right to exist on campus, as much as that bothers me. They can have their events, have meetings, discuss this issue if they want. That's great. But the difference between their other events and this one is that this one required a trigger warning, which should kind of mean that the display shouldn't be public in the first place if I'm not mistaken.
But what really pisses me off is the university administration's response. They've been totally useless chickenshits and I am beyond disappointed with them for not telling this group to do one of the following:
1) Have their event, but without graphic images and harassing slogans
2) Have their event, but in a tent or classroom where people can consent to seeing the images
3) Most importantly, MOVE THE EVENT SO IT ISN'T DURING PRIDE WEEK. They said they just "didn't know" despite the fact that pride week is the same week every year and a fairly well advertised event on campus... I'm gonna call bullshit on that one.
And at the end of the day, what matters is that every woman can make the choice for herself. Any anti-choice/pro-life woman facing an unwanted pregnancy should feel like she can get help raising the child (childcare! housing! help out of abuse situations!) or feel like giving it up for adoption truly will mean a better life for that child. I absolutely support the right of women to have their children and raise them or give them up for adoption. These are both great choices! But so is abortion, for some women. Some women have issues that mean pregnancy would be incredibly dangerous- even more so than pregnancy already is (pregnancy is seriously incredibly dangerous, don't even get me started on childbirth), and sometimes, things happen that mean the fetus wouldn't survive long outside the womb or the woman won't survive the pregnancy (ectopic pregnancy, for example). Because of these examples and the simple fact of bodily autonomy and control (we don't FORCE people to donate blood or organs, even after they are DEAD), abortion needs to be safe and legal, regardless of whether you would choose it for yourself or not. At the end of the day, it is not your place to make decisions about anyone's body except your own. Your body belongs to you, but only your body.
All in all: I'm not sorry for having the opinion I do, even though it might put me at risk since anti-choice groups have been known to murder people before, despite calling themselves pro-"life." I think my opinion is well supported by facts and evidence, as well as on philosophical and moral grounds. I am pro choice, and proudly so. Women should have choices and be supported no matter what choice they make, and nobody should be pregnant when they don't want to be.
yer pal,
swegan.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Anti choicers: please pull your heads out of your asses
No, I'm not sorry.
These people have been crying about free speech ever since they arrived on my campus and I am beyond disgusted. Acting like this debate needs to be reopened is like saying criminalizing abortion is a valid opinion to consider. It fucking isn't. Get OVER it already, oh my GOD.
I don't CARE that you feel like fetuses=children, that you all worship the fetus over all others, ESPECIALLY women, I don't CARE. Criminalizing abortion leads to dead women. Did you not hear that? CRIMINALIZING ABORTION LEADS TO DEAD WOMEN. CRIMINALIZING ABORTION LEADS TO DEAD WOMEN. If you think your pathetic, immoral pleas are going to stop women from getting abortions any way they can, you are beyond naive. You are literally the stupidest.
I am done acting like these people have any validity or right to their opinion that abortion is a criminal act. It isn't. If you don't like that, go cry me a fucking river, but there isn't anything you can do about it.
And furthermore, get the FUCK off my campus with your misogynistic guilt-shaming bullshit. In case you couldn't tell, the posters getting ripped down were a clear sign that your BS is not welcome here.
Leave.
And take your sexism with you.
-Swegan
These people have been crying about free speech ever since they arrived on my campus and I am beyond disgusted. Acting like this debate needs to be reopened is like saying criminalizing abortion is a valid opinion to consider. It fucking isn't. Get OVER it already, oh my GOD.
I don't CARE that you feel like fetuses=children, that you all worship the fetus over all others, ESPECIALLY women, I don't CARE. Criminalizing abortion leads to dead women. Did you not hear that? CRIMINALIZING ABORTION LEADS TO DEAD WOMEN. CRIMINALIZING ABORTION LEADS TO DEAD WOMEN. If you think your pathetic, immoral pleas are going to stop women from getting abortions any way they can, you are beyond naive. You are literally the stupidest.
I am done acting like these people have any validity or right to their opinion that abortion is a criminal act. It isn't. If you don't like that, go cry me a fucking river, but there isn't anything you can do about it.
And furthermore, get the FUCK off my campus with your misogynistic guilt-shaming bullshit. In case you couldn't tell, the posters getting ripped down were a clear sign that your BS is not welcome here.
Leave.
And take your sexism with you.
-Swegan
Friday, February 20, 2015
Self esteem
Since my last post, things have improved. I downloaded a calorie tracking app for a while (which was more difficult to use than I thought, since finding items to add was often a game of "close enough"), which was interesting in that I could see where most of my calories were going. I've since stopped using it because I'm lazy and entering all the food I eat into my phone takes too long and I can't remember to do it. Also because I found that I now have a better understanding of the caloric content of things and how I typically eat, and when I do not buy junk food all the damn time, I actually eat really well.
Anyway, the only two "rules" I have applied are
1) Only buy junk food on the weekends
2) Don't take the bus to class unless you are running late or it is hella freezing outside
And they work for me. They are beyond easy to incorporate into my life, I have saved a lot of money, and I get quite a few steps in a day.
Also, on a note that seems tangential but isn't, I've recently become slightly obsessed with The Mindy Project (which is hilarious and awesome and adorable, by the way, and you should all watch it), and one of the lines from the show really stuck with me. I feel ridiculous thinking it, but I like the line "You're a woman, and that's good. Look like a woman." It's a good line (delivered in a very cute way, might I add), and it was kind of like a slap in the face for me, in the way where I was like "jesus what am I so worried about, I am fine."
On another note, I realized today how much I have learned in university. This came from two incidents:
1) My sister reading me the ingredients on a nail polish bottle and me realizing that my knowledge of organic (and okay, general) chemistry meant I could roughly picture a lot of the things in my head. Ethyl acetate? Hey, we use that in the lab! You can write EtoAc as an abbreviation! It was kind of nice to know that I have that knowledge. I can identify molecules. It's not super useful, but I can still do it. That is a thing I have learned.
2) My sister reading the last half of my psych chapter out to me (I even got an interesting idea for a paper during this, which I did not write down because I am an idiot). She said that it was mostly gibberish to her, but it all made perfect sense to me. Describing studies, results, and ethical implications of psychological treatments, and the biological methods of treating psychological disorders, and a bit about preventative stuff. I mean, I know it's first year psych, and that's not that big of a deal, but I still felt smart.
There was recently a confession posted on my university's confession page on fb about how science students often neglect getting a real education from someone who felt like they weren't learning anything in a science degree and so switched into a humanities one and felt much more educated. I find that bizarre, because in my 1.5 and a bit years of a science degree, I feel like I've learned a shitton of stuff and it is great. I know so much crap about a bunch of things, and I get to learn even more, and I get to study whatever I want. I really feel very lucky that I get to go to university, and a good one at that.
I think the best part is when my classes overlap. This has happened mostly between my science courses (ochem II, a basic genetics course, and intro to biochem) and then between my arts courses (psych II, which I hate because it is beyond boring to me, and my prof doesn't help, and women's and gender studies, which, though philosophy based, is finally being taught in a way that I can understand). I love it when that happens, because it means that I'm thinking about all the things I've learned and putting them together to learn even more. It's great when we learn about the repair of deaminated bases and T-T dimers in genetics, because I know what those things look like thanks to biochem. We can talk about the forces holding DNA and proteins together in biochemistry, and I understand how they work because I've taken and am taking organic chemistry. Everything builds on everything else and it is wonderful. I might just be learning the basics of science, but they're still very interesting.
So yeah, I've been feeling pretty smart and pretty lately. It's a nice trend, and one that I hope will continue. I'm also thankful that I've been put in an environment that encourages the development of both of those traits.
yer pal,
swegan
Anyway, the only two "rules" I have applied are
1) Only buy junk food on the weekends
2) Don't take the bus to class unless you are running late or it is hella freezing outside
And they work for me. They are beyond easy to incorporate into my life, I have saved a lot of money, and I get quite a few steps in a day.
Also, on a note that seems tangential but isn't, I've recently become slightly obsessed with The Mindy Project (which is hilarious and awesome and adorable, by the way, and you should all watch it), and one of the lines from the show really stuck with me. I feel ridiculous thinking it, but I like the line "You're a woman, and that's good. Look like a woman." It's a good line (delivered in a very cute way, might I add), and it was kind of like a slap in the face for me, in the way where I was like "jesus what am I so worried about, I am fine."
On another note, I realized today how much I have learned in university. This came from two incidents:
1) My sister reading me the ingredients on a nail polish bottle and me realizing that my knowledge of organic (and okay, general) chemistry meant I could roughly picture a lot of the things in my head. Ethyl acetate? Hey, we use that in the lab! You can write EtoAc as an abbreviation! It was kind of nice to know that I have that knowledge. I can identify molecules. It's not super useful, but I can still do it. That is a thing I have learned.
2) My sister reading the last half of my psych chapter out to me (I even got an interesting idea for a paper during this, which I did not write down because I am an idiot). She said that it was mostly gibberish to her, but it all made perfect sense to me. Describing studies, results, and ethical implications of psychological treatments, and the biological methods of treating psychological disorders, and a bit about preventative stuff. I mean, I know it's first year psych, and that's not that big of a deal, but I still felt smart.
There was recently a confession posted on my university's confession page on fb about how science students often neglect getting a real education from someone who felt like they weren't learning anything in a science degree and so switched into a humanities one and felt much more educated. I find that bizarre, because in my 1.5 and a bit years of a science degree, I feel like I've learned a shitton of stuff and it is great. I know so much crap about a bunch of things, and I get to learn even more, and I get to study whatever I want. I really feel very lucky that I get to go to university, and a good one at that.
I think the best part is when my classes overlap. This has happened mostly between my science courses (ochem II, a basic genetics course, and intro to biochem) and then between my arts courses (psych II, which I hate because it is beyond boring to me, and my prof doesn't help, and women's and gender studies, which, though philosophy based, is finally being taught in a way that I can understand). I love it when that happens, because it means that I'm thinking about all the things I've learned and putting them together to learn even more. It's great when we learn about the repair of deaminated bases and T-T dimers in genetics, because I know what those things look like thanks to biochem. We can talk about the forces holding DNA and proteins together in biochemistry, and I understand how they work because I've taken and am taking organic chemistry. Everything builds on everything else and it is wonderful. I might just be learning the basics of science, but they're still very interesting.
So yeah, I've been feeling pretty smart and pretty lately. It's a nice trend, and one that I hope will continue. I'm also thankful that I've been put in an environment that encourages the development of both of those traits.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, January 18, 2015
*That* girl
Basically all of my life, I have been somewhat underweight.
I was a very short kid, my mom was a dietician and has a BSc in Nutrition, and I danced about 5 nights a week. I was lucky enough to be one of those girls who, during my teenage years, really didn't have to worry about what I ate. My mom made pretty much all of my food, and that was always healthy, and even though I complained about not getting the same kinds of snacks in my lunch as the other kids and not eating dessert at all until I was like 12 (seriously, dessert for me is still not something that is "required" after a meal), I know that it was just mom looking out for me and trying to keep me healthy.
Of course, now I am living away from home (and I miss home food terribly). The food in my building is good, that's for sure- lots of fruit and vegetables all the time, and meals at very regular times, which is something I appreciate- although I have become more picky about it and as a result, eat less and less of it.
Last semester, I decided that restricting myself from eating what I wanted was silly, as long as I didn't spend too much money. That did not turn out well for me. I mean, obviously I'm still fine, but since then I have decided that that mantra is not a good idea. Not only did I waste a shitton of money, I ate a lot of crap. Like, a lot. And I mean, I'm young, I'm in university, it's almost expected that I gain weight at some point. I think I've avoided that thanks to avoiding uni campus "dining halls" and meal plans, but I'm still kind of restricted in what I eat. The meal plan here is already paid for until the end of the year, so I can't really cook for myself that much.
This is why the whole "fitness movement" type stuff (especially "fitspo" etc) on the internet really bugs me, especially when it says "what's your excuse?" my excuse is that I live on a meal plan because I am a student, you twat. If I want to get good grades and maintain a social life and enjoy myself, it becomes very hard to fit in waking up at 5 AM to go running every day. Plus, I live in Canada. It's fucking cold outside. I know some people can run in winter, but that requires some kind of special workout gear or whatever. So if I want to do that, I have to invest time and money into figuring it out. And as for a gym- I'm too self conscious about my complete and total lack of fitness knowledge to even bother to go, since I wouldn't know how to use the machines, and I don't have a plan or anything.
Furthermore, eating healthy is expensive. Frozen pizza is pretty darn cheap, from what I understand.
And yet every time I think of these reasons why I cannot for the life of me commit to changing my entire lifestyle right at this moment, there is still a part of me that thinks "but those are just excuses. If you really wanted this you would do it instead of being lazy." Which I think is ridiculous. Not everyone has the money and time to devote to changing their whole entire life.
What I wish fitness movements were about was encouraging people to work to the level they are comfortable at. Like, maybe I can't restructure my whole entire diet. But I can try not buying extra junk food so much. Maybe I don't have the time to figure out how to make time for exercising every single day. But I know that if I leave a little earlier, I can walk to school daily, and I can take a very intense exercise class once a week. Those are all things that are good for my health, and yet I still feel like by the standards of Fitness Types Everywhere, I am failing.
This doesn't even include the standards of Beauty. Basically every kind of media I see- movies, TV shows (when I get around to watching them), shit, even some youtube videos (ESPECIALLY music videos) have girls that are tiny, with flat stomachs and nice cheekbones and all those other things I get self conscious about. Recently, that kind of stuff has really been getting to me, especially considering all the weight I have gained last semester and over the summer (when I probably bought chocolate pretzels from bulk barn at least once a week, possibly more).
I know these things are ridiculous. I know it is stupid, because I am smart and funny and kind and those things should matter far more than how much I weigh or whether or not I have "the right" cheekbones or cellulite. But they still get to me. Sometimes it is just in the form of "These pretty dresses I have don't fit me anymore!" which is like well, duh, you bought those two years ago and since then you've moved out and started university. Sometimes it is shopping for school clothes with mom and getting comments like "weren't you wearing (slightly smaller pants size) last year?" or something like that. Sometimes it is even just acknowledging that I know people who are very fit and in shape or who don't weigh very much (sometimes that is just by virtue of their genes or body type). Often, it is stupid fitness stuff on the internet.
I wish I could be satisfied with myself for making small changes within my life. I wish I could feel like walking more and eating less junk food and taking a TRX class was acceptable. There is still a big part of me that insists that You used to be so skinny. All your life, you have been a skinny girl. The skinniest. With a BMI that is underweight. What happened to you? Who are you now? and it's like without the identity of being the super super super tiny girl, I have to define myself by other things. I never had to worry about my weight or what I was eating before. Ever. Never in my life have I had this stress. I don't like it. I miss being able to just eat whatever I wanted and still have a BMI of like, 17.8 because that was how I was, and I don't like this new realm of motherly advice consisting of weight-related things.
But I feel like the only way to go back to being the way I was is to be that girl. The girl who denies herself everything, who says "no cake for me, thanks" or "I don't really do dessert" or "can we get something else instead of pizza?" or "I'll just have a salad" (I have nothing against salads, but there is something about saying "I'll just have a salad" that implies restrictions) or who makes herself go running and works out every single day and never, ever, ever touches a cheeto or a potato chip or a brownie. I do not want to be that girl. I don't want to deny myself food because I'm scared of being fat, I don't want to work out every single day for a flat stomach and a thigh gap, and yet I feel shitty about it.
I don't want to be that girl, I don't want to be fat, I don't want to be unhealthy, I don't want to continue to get comments from mom about "don't let your thighs get lumpy and ugly" or "you're growing out and not up now so you have to watch what you eat" or "do you really need that size of jeans now?"
I don't know what to do beyond continue on my present course of baby steps because it's still better than doing nothing. My relationship with food has clearly become very complicated and annoying. I don't want to analyze everything for its nutritional value before eating it. I don't want to feel guilty for eating junk food, or carbs, or sugar, like by doing so I've done something wrong. But I don't want to look the way I do now, and that seems seriously fucked up to me because I'm pretty sure I am within the range of normal health right now.
yer pal,
swegan :S
I was a very short kid, my mom was a dietician and has a BSc in Nutrition, and I danced about 5 nights a week. I was lucky enough to be one of those girls who, during my teenage years, really didn't have to worry about what I ate. My mom made pretty much all of my food, and that was always healthy, and even though I complained about not getting the same kinds of snacks in my lunch as the other kids and not eating dessert at all until I was like 12 (seriously, dessert for me is still not something that is "required" after a meal), I know that it was just mom looking out for me and trying to keep me healthy.
Of course, now I am living away from home (and I miss home food terribly). The food in my building is good, that's for sure- lots of fruit and vegetables all the time, and meals at very regular times, which is something I appreciate- although I have become more picky about it and as a result, eat less and less of it.
Last semester, I decided that restricting myself from eating what I wanted was silly, as long as I didn't spend too much money. That did not turn out well for me. I mean, obviously I'm still fine, but since then I have decided that that mantra is not a good idea. Not only did I waste a shitton of money, I ate a lot of crap. Like, a lot. And I mean, I'm young, I'm in university, it's almost expected that I gain weight at some point. I think I've avoided that thanks to avoiding uni campus "dining halls" and meal plans, but I'm still kind of restricted in what I eat. The meal plan here is already paid for until the end of the year, so I can't really cook for myself that much.
This is why the whole "fitness movement" type stuff (especially "fitspo" etc) on the internet really bugs me, especially when it says "what's your excuse?" my excuse is that I live on a meal plan because I am a student, you twat. If I want to get good grades and maintain a social life and enjoy myself, it becomes very hard to fit in waking up at 5 AM to go running every day. Plus, I live in Canada. It's fucking cold outside. I know some people can run in winter, but that requires some kind of special workout gear or whatever. So if I want to do that, I have to invest time and money into figuring it out. And as for a gym- I'm too self conscious about my complete and total lack of fitness knowledge to even bother to go, since I wouldn't know how to use the machines, and I don't have a plan or anything.
Furthermore, eating healthy is expensive. Frozen pizza is pretty darn cheap, from what I understand.
And yet every time I think of these reasons why I cannot for the life of me commit to changing my entire lifestyle right at this moment, there is still a part of me that thinks "but those are just excuses. If you really wanted this you would do it instead of being lazy." Which I think is ridiculous. Not everyone has the money and time to devote to changing their whole entire life.
What I wish fitness movements were about was encouraging people to work to the level they are comfortable at. Like, maybe I can't restructure my whole entire diet. But I can try not buying extra junk food so much. Maybe I don't have the time to figure out how to make time for exercising every single day. But I know that if I leave a little earlier, I can walk to school daily, and I can take a very intense exercise class once a week. Those are all things that are good for my health, and yet I still feel like by the standards of Fitness Types Everywhere, I am failing.
This doesn't even include the standards of Beauty. Basically every kind of media I see- movies, TV shows (when I get around to watching them), shit, even some youtube videos (ESPECIALLY music videos) have girls that are tiny, with flat stomachs and nice cheekbones and all those other things I get self conscious about. Recently, that kind of stuff has really been getting to me, especially considering all the weight I have gained last semester and over the summer (when I probably bought chocolate pretzels from bulk barn at least once a week, possibly more).
I know these things are ridiculous. I know it is stupid, because I am smart and funny and kind and those things should matter far more than how much I weigh or whether or not I have "the right" cheekbones or cellulite. But they still get to me. Sometimes it is just in the form of "These pretty dresses I have don't fit me anymore!" which is like well, duh, you bought those two years ago and since then you've moved out and started university. Sometimes it is shopping for school clothes with mom and getting comments like "weren't you wearing (slightly smaller pants size) last year?" or something like that. Sometimes it is even just acknowledging that I know people who are very fit and in shape or who don't weigh very much (sometimes that is just by virtue of their genes or body type). Often, it is stupid fitness stuff on the internet.
I wish I could be satisfied with myself for making small changes within my life. I wish I could feel like walking more and eating less junk food and taking a TRX class was acceptable. There is still a big part of me that insists that You used to be so skinny. All your life, you have been a skinny girl. The skinniest. With a BMI that is underweight. What happened to you? Who are you now? and it's like without the identity of being the super super super tiny girl, I have to define myself by other things. I never had to worry about my weight or what I was eating before. Ever. Never in my life have I had this stress. I don't like it. I miss being able to just eat whatever I wanted and still have a BMI of like, 17.8 because that was how I was, and I don't like this new realm of motherly advice consisting of weight-related things.
But I feel like the only way to go back to being the way I was is to be that girl. The girl who denies herself everything, who says "no cake for me, thanks" or "I don't really do dessert" or "can we get something else instead of pizza?" or "I'll just have a salad" (I have nothing against salads, but there is something about saying "I'll just have a salad" that implies restrictions) or who makes herself go running and works out every single day and never, ever, ever touches a cheeto or a potato chip or a brownie. I do not want to be that girl. I don't want to deny myself food because I'm scared of being fat, I don't want to work out every single day for a flat stomach and a thigh gap, and yet I feel shitty about it.
I don't want to be that girl, I don't want to be fat, I don't want to be unhealthy, I don't want to continue to get comments from mom about "don't let your thighs get lumpy and ugly" or "you're growing out and not up now so you have to watch what you eat" or "do you really need that size of jeans now?"
I don't know what to do beyond continue on my present course of baby steps because it's still better than doing nothing. My relationship with food has clearly become very complicated and annoying. I don't want to analyze everything for its nutritional value before eating it. I don't want to feel guilty for eating junk food, or carbs, or sugar, like by doing so I've done something wrong. But I don't want to look the way I do now, and that seems seriously fucked up to me because I'm pretty sure I am within the range of normal health right now.
yer pal,
swegan :S
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Resolutions
Since 2014 was kind of a blah year (school, work, 1 week of travel, more school, and I guess maintaining a relationship that was an ldr for 1/3 of the year), I kinda wanna try to make 2015 more exciting. Just by trying to do more than just school, work, and relationship.
1) Improve study habits. I feel as though more regular review might help me boost my GPA up 0.1 so that I can apply for more scholarships.
2) Improve spending habits. I just need a solid way to track them. Saving receipts and putting them in a spreadsheet is good for seeing what I've been doing, but not for seeing how I AM doing at any given moment in time.
3) Exercise more. Just, more. I have free Tuesday mornings this semester and I plan to try... THE GYM. I think my university has some kind of "workout buddies" program which appeals to me greatly. Also, I know this resolution is stereotypical, but I'm starting to see that if I want to continue to eat the way I do (which is really not that badly) then I have to do more than just walk to school every day.
4) Get a different summer job. I've been at the same place the last three years, and if that is the way the cookie crumbles I will go back there again. I just want some different experience, and to be honest, unless I work under somebody else, I've kind of done all the things there are to do there that I can do with my current knowledge.
5) STOP BUYING JUNK FOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. Just the middle of the week. I figure this way I still get to enjoy delicious junk food, but not so often so I stop wasting so much money (seriously, this one is more financial than anything else).
6) Stop turning down invitations to go out.
That is really all I can think of. That, and the usual ones to attempt to be a kinder person and whatnot (I basically just make those every year).
We'll see how it goes. I predict 3 will be the most difficult to achieve. I do best with exercise when I have a class to go to rather than just relying on myself. In fact, I also learn better when I have a class to go to. If I've signed up for something that occurs at a regular time and place, especially when other people are showing up and expecting me too, I am like 5000X more likely to actually go. Which is why the workout buddies thing appeals to me: if someone else is counting on me to be their buddy, I am more likely to actually show up.
yer pal,
swegan
1) Improve study habits. I feel as though more regular review might help me boost my GPA up 0.1 so that I can apply for more scholarships.
2) Improve spending habits. I just need a solid way to track them. Saving receipts and putting them in a spreadsheet is good for seeing what I've been doing, but not for seeing how I AM doing at any given moment in time.
3) Exercise more. Just, more. I have free Tuesday mornings this semester and I plan to try... THE GYM. I think my university has some kind of "workout buddies" program which appeals to me greatly. Also, I know this resolution is stereotypical, but I'm starting to see that if I want to continue to eat the way I do (which is really not that badly) then I have to do more than just walk to school every day.
4) Get a different summer job. I've been at the same place the last three years, and if that is the way the cookie crumbles I will go back there again. I just want some different experience, and to be honest, unless I work under somebody else, I've kind of done all the things there are to do there that I can do with my current knowledge.
5) STOP BUYING JUNK FOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. Just the middle of the week. I figure this way I still get to enjoy delicious junk food, but not so often so I stop wasting so much money (seriously, this one is more financial than anything else).
6) Stop turning down invitations to go out.
That is really all I can think of. That, and the usual ones to attempt to be a kinder person and whatnot (I basically just make those every year).
We'll see how it goes. I predict 3 will be the most difficult to achieve. I do best with exercise when I have a class to go to rather than just relying on myself. In fact, I also learn better when I have a class to go to. If I've signed up for something that occurs at a regular time and place, especially when other people are showing up and expecting me too, I am like 5000X more likely to actually go. Which is why the workout buddies thing appeals to me: if someone else is counting on me to be their buddy, I am more likely to actually show up.
yer pal,
swegan
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
I am so mad about sex in the media
Like oh my god it is so inaccurate and wrong!
This is mostly talking about movies/TV shows with teenagers or young adults in them, that sort of age. Sex inevitably comes up in most of them, and I suppose the portrayal is accurate in that that's what happens most of the time. And then there's all this confusion muddled up in "do I wait?" and shit like I just have so many things I want to scream at the characters every time this gets brought up on a show like
1) If you can't have a straightforward conversation about sex, it's probably a bad idea to have sex
2) You are allowed to do it now or wait until you're married, it really doesn't matter. It's up to you.
3) If you're excited about it, looking forward to it, etc, those are probs good signs that you're "ready" or that you'll handle it well
4) It is going to suck the first time. Like a lot. That is normal. It is nobody's fault and I really hate that on a lot of shows relationships end b/c the first time having sex was bad. Like, news flash, if you had waited until your wedding night, it would also have been bad too. Also, it will probably continue to be not-great for a while. Practice makes perfect.
5) THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO DO. I don't mean like, be totally chaste, I just mean there are other things to do with someone you are sexually attracted to beyond sexual intercourse. There is like this whole range of other activities that are still a lot of fun that are not sex and do not carry with them the same risk of pregnancy (yes, I get this only applies to straight couples. That is my only experience). Furthermore, that is a good way to work up to being comfortable with someone, establishing trust, intimacy, being able to discuss things with them, etc. I say this b/c it bothers me immensely that teenagers in media go from just making out to full-out having sex and there is no in between, which is totally ridiculous and unreasonable. (Pls don't interpret this as having to do other things first, just be aware that this range between complete chastity and sex totally exists and is there to explore).
6) It is probs not a bad idea to know about the other person's anatomy/your own anatomy.
7) Bring. More. Than. One. Condom. Oh. My. God. The first one might break, or you can't get it on right, or the first round sucks and you want to try again after half an hour of doing something else. You never know.
8) Also, just saying- it is not going to be a big painful, bloody mess. If you're going slow and everyone's nice and turned on and especially if there is lube involved, everything should be fine. Slightly uncomfortable and a little "Oh, so that's what that's like" but not painful and messy and bloody. I hate this lie. I mean, maybe there's bleeding for some people, I don't know, but I really don't think that there should be. Vaginas can push babies out. A penis should not do that much damage.
That ends Swegan's Sex Talk. Seriously, I'm just so frustrated. Oh, but one last thing:
9) Pls keep checking up on each other, like ask "how are you doing" periodically or something like that. Just because someone says initially that they're OK with something doesn't mean they'll continue to do so. Also, this means that if you're like "welp I am not wanting to do this anymore" that you should say something. And if someone says stop, stop. Like, completely. That one is a no brainer. And this ties into the communication thing again (#1).
Honestly, I'm starting to think that the most important thing any good relationship has is good communication. If someone doesn't feel comfortable communicating or isn't being listened to, the relationship needs work or is not good.
And like, jesus christ, there is no appropriate period of time after starting a relationship at which you need to have sex. None at all. You can go on the first date, or wait a year. Whatever suits you, and your partner, obviously.
Furthermore, this has to be something you can talk to a doctor/your doctor about, too. Even if you get all embarrassed talking to them about ANYTHING relevant to sex. Doctors are there to help, for srs.
Just... be smart. Pls don't be like the kids in the media who feel all awkward about their first time being bad and blame each other or their connection and who only have one condom and who can't talk about sex or communicate during sex and just... be safe. Do whatever the hell you want with your partner, as long as you both agree and you're being safe.
I know this is pretty high and mighty of me given my limited physical-stuff-in-a-relationship-experience, but I think it works pretty well. IMO, sex should be something fun, something that you look forward to and enjoy, and should never ever make anyone feel uncomfortable.
And hey, it's totally fine to just not want sex in a relationship, or to want the relationship to be JUST sex, or any mix in between.
I feel like all of this is totally "Duh" to me... actually, I kind of hope that it's "duh" to everyone, and that at this point Laci Green has managed to educate a large portion of young adults about safe sex and things of the like (I am once again going to mention that she has a kick ass youtube channel which actually taught me a bunch of stuff that I am kind of relaying to you here, so you should all look it up regardless of whether this post was like "wow really?" for you or "uh, DUH" for you.)
anyway, I'm done. I need to get up early tomorrow.
yer pal,
swegan :)
This is mostly talking about movies/TV shows with teenagers or young adults in them, that sort of age. Sex inevitably comes up in most of them, and I suppose the portrayal is accurate in that that's what happens most of the time. And then there's all this confusion muddled up in "do I wait?" and shit like I just have so many things I want to scream at the characters every time this gets brought up on a show like
1) If you can't have a straightforward conversation about sex, it's probably a bad idea to have sex
2) You are allowed to do it now or wait until you're married, it really doesn't matter. It's up to you.
3) If you're excited about it, looking forward to it, etc, those are probs good signs that you're "ready" or that you'll handle it well
4) It is going to suck the first time. Like a lot. That is normal. It is nobody's fault and I really hate that on a lot of shows relationships end b/c the first time having sex was bad. Like, news flash, if you had waited until your wedding night, it would also have been bad too. Also, it will probably continue to be not-great for a while. Practice makes perfect.
5) THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO DO. I don't mean like, be totally chaste, I just mean there are other things to do with someone you are sexually attracted to beyond sexual intercourse. There is like this whole range of other activities that are still a lot of fun that are not sex and do not carry with them the same risk of pregnancy (yes, I get this only applies to straight couples. That is my only experience). Furthermore, that is a good way to work up to being comfortable with someone, establishing trust, intimacy, being able to discuss things with them, etc. I say this b/c it bothers me immensely that teenagers in media go from just making out to full-out having sex and there is no in between, which is totally ridiculous and unreasonable. (Pls don't interpret this as having to do other things first, just be aware that this range between complete chastity and sex totally exists and is there to explore).
6) It is probs not a bad idea to know about the other person's anatomy/your own anatomy.
7) Bring. More. Than. One. Condom. Oh. My. God. The first one might break, or you can't get it on right, or the first round sucks and you want to try again after half an hour of doing something else. You never know.
8) Also, just saying- it is not going to be a big painful, bloody mess. If you're going slow and everyone's nice and turned on and especially if there is lube involved, everything should be fine. Slightly uncomfortable and a little "Oh, so that's what that's like" but not painful and messy and bloody. I hate this lie. I mean, maybe there's bleeding for some people, I don't know, but I really don't think that there should be. Vaginas can push babies out. A penis should not do that much damage.
That ends Swegan's Sex Talk. Seriously, I'm just so frustrated. Oh, but one last thing:
9) Pls keep checking up on each other, like ask "how are you doing" periodically or something like that. Just because someone says initially that they're OK with something doesn't mean they'll continue to do so. Also, this means that if you're like "welp I am not wanting to do this anymore" that you should say something. And if someone says stop, stop. Like, completely. That one is a no brainer. And this ties into the communication thing again (#1).
Honestly, I'm starting to think that the most important thing any good relationship has is good communication. If someone doesn't feel comfortable communicating or isn't being listened to, the relationship needs work or is not good.
And like, jesus christ, there is no appropriate period of time after starting a relationship at which you need to have sex. None at all. You can go on the first date, or wait a year. Whatever suits you, and your partner, obviously.
Furthermore, this has to be something you can talk to a doctor/your doctor about, too. Even if you get all embarrassed talking to them about ANYTHING relevant to sex. Doctors are there to help, for srs.
Just... be smart. Pls don't be like the kids in the media who feel all awkward about their first time being bad and blame each other or their connection and who only have one condom and who can't talk about sex or communicate during sex and just... be safe. Do whatever the hell you want with your partner, as long as you both agree and you're being safe.
I know this is pretty high and mighty of me given my limited physical-stuff-in-a-relationship-experience, but I think it works pretty well. IMO, sex should be something fun, something that you look forward to and enjoy, and should never ever make anyone feel uncomfortable.
And hey, it's totally fine to just not want sex in a relationship, or to want the relationship to be JUST sex, or any mix in between.
I feel like all of this is totally "Duh" to me... actually, I kind of hope that it's "duh" to everyone, and that at this point Laci Green has managed to educate a large portion of young adults about safe sex and things of the like (I am once again going to mention that she has a kick ass youtube channel which actually taught me a bunch of stuff that I am kind of relaying to you here, so you should all look it up regardless of whether this post was like "wow really?" for you or "uh, DUH" for you.)
anyway, I'm done. I need to get up early tomorrow.
yer pal,
swegan :)
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