Summer thoughts

Summer was decidedly Not Fun.

I know this because a) I put a lot of posts on here with very clear themes of "running away" and "I'm really sad all the time" and b) because I listened to Beyonce's new CD a lot this summer and so now those songs are tied up with the emotions I was experiencing, and listening to them again brings those feelings back very clearly.

Remembering summer is painful. I constantly felt Not Good Enough and then Not Happy Enough and the two feelings built off each other and spiralled. I wasn't good enough at my lab job. I wasn't good enough at staying in touch with people. I wasn't good enough at spending time with my family. I wasn't good enough at staying healthy (seriously I went through a bag of bulk barn chocolate pretzels every week, and my workout attempts didn't last very long at all). I just Wasn't Good Enough. Everything sucked. My memories of summer, unfortunately, are all tainted with this feeling, even though I had good days.

I had days where I went to see friends, where I came home late and nobody cared, where Freckles and I hung out and watched movies. where I saw friends I hadn't seen in a long, long time. Where I biked around and felt freer, where I worked out and my mood improved, where I drove around listening to loud music. But I also remember having a lot of bad days. I remember every day being a bad day. I was too hot, I had uncontrollable rage at other drivers for the tiniest of mistakes, I was simultaneously mad at other people that had booked the dark room so I couldn't get into it at the time I needed, but also get mad at myself for not figuring out when I'd need it sooner, or showing up earlier. I remember a lot of skype calls with Ptarckas, in which our relationship felt very different to how it does now. I remember eating a lot of chocolate pretzels and dill pickle chips. I remember a lot of mom-comments about my weight, I remember a lot of feeling guilty for wanting to be by myself after work, I remember a lot of bike rides and workouts that were the only things that made me feel good about my life.

I also remember specific events. I remember the two times Vince and I actually ate lunch together, and the time I saw her and Lucy before heading back to school. I remember going to the park with my sister and swinging on the swings and feeling good about life. I remember driving out to an interview at a lab for a job I wasn't going to get, but that had the prettiest commute ever, all mountains behind prairies and endless blue sky (ironically, I was listening to "Blue" on the Beyonce CD for the first time on that drive, so now the song and the experience are connected). I remember how much my knees hurt after one bike ride. I remember the weekend Ptarckas came to visit, a happy spot even though it was severely marked by Parental Comments. I remember being at the cabin and how desperately hot it was, and how fun it was when Freckles had friends out there, and how much the trip to the states for back to school shopping sucked because it meant mom got to make comments about the size of the jeans I tried on, leaving me crying in the changeroom.

All of these memories lead to one thing for me: I do not want to go home next summer. I can't. What if it turns out the same way last summer did? The endless heat in my long pants that were proper lab attire, the endless feeling dragged down and sad, the endless irritation at pointless things, the endless, the endless, the endless. I don't want to go back. I can't figure out WHY.

Maybe part of it is the alone time. Here, I see people at school, I come home, I do homework, I go down for dinner to chat, I come back up. Heck, I didn't even go down for brunch today, and I haven't seen my roommate at all. I've spend basically the entire day alone and I feel fine. I hang out with friends sometimes. I come back when I want, I sleep when I want, I slack off when I want, I study where and when I want. And I study, god I've missed that. There is something nice about school that I didn't get from work, although part of that was that work was the same thing I'd been doing for the past two summers and I was bored- the days in the lab where I did new things were always the most interesting and the ones where I felt the least sad.

I think there's a certain sense of independence here too. I get myself to class on time, on foot or with public transportation, I arrange my schedule, I am in charge. At home I always felt like I couldn't go out after 10 because my parents would wake up if I opened the garage door and also they'd want to know where I'd be going even though I was legally old enough not to have to tell them that. But hey, they still pay for my car insurance, so I guess I shouldn't really push it. Thank god, too, because being in my car used to be a safe space for me, one where I could cry and be alone and not want to ever go inside the house where god forbid I would have to interact with somebody.

The problem is... I'm pretty certain I could get a lab job at home next summer. I went in for an interview-type-thing last summer, and they told me they couldn't offer me a job since I'd applied so embarrassingly late, but that if I applied on time next year there was a fairly good chance- the offer had sounds of certainty to it, and it was at a good lab, and I think a government one as well. A government job is a Big Fucking Deal, and I'd be an idiot not to consider the fact that I have a good shot at getting a government job- I've talked to 3 people there who have labs, they all have my resume, and I've got good past lab experience in addition to a good academic standing and ... well, I don't know if high school actually matters now, but volunteering and the IB program on there as well. Which makes me think I could get a lab job HERE if I tried. And maybe I should try. But the problem is that staying here over the summer is expensive, and my parents would get sad and my sister would get sad and they'd all family-guilt-trip me into coming home because they miss me. And yeah, I miss them too. My sister in particular, because ... well, I guess we kind of drifted apart as we got older, but I like to think there's still something there, some kind of magical sister friendship bond that we have. I'm a shitty sister, and I know it, but I still love her and do like spending time with her. Also, I worry about her way more than I should b/c she IS old enough to be ok, but still. I worry. It's my job. It's how I am. With me gone from the house, what sibling will look out for her? Let's be honest, we all know it isn't my brother, based on past entries (the fb thing still has not caused any tension. We'll see what happens at thanksgiving). I still love him, but god, I really don't like him.

I just have conflicting feelings about going home. The lack of alone time and independence (and also Uni Friends and Boyfriend) leads to a lot of sad for me, but not going home would feel weird, and I'd feel terribly guilty about it.

In short: I'd like to go home for the summer, but not if it's going to be like last summer. I still have until December/January to make decisions about employment (where do I apply? If I get in to certain places, where do I accept the offer? How does that work out for me?)

Anyway. I texted my dad about it (I will text mom, but I am not texting her first because dad this summer actually said that he was sure I wouldn't come home for the summer at some point because he stopped doing that, so I think he'll react to it better), we'll see what he says.

yer pal,
swegan :/